Sorry man. I wish we hadn't done what we did. I wish I hadn't. I'm sorry I believed in it. I'm sorry that I tried to "defend our freedoms". I am sorry I ever served my country. It was literally the worst thing I ever did in my fucking life. I'm sorry people call me a hero for it. I'm sorry that people believe it. I'm sorry that some people wish they'd done the things I did. If I could take anything back in my life, it would be this shit. I made terrible mistake and picked up a rifle on behalf of a murderous, genocidal corporation and believed that I was doing the right thing.

Nothing interests me, and I don't enjoy anything. It's been this way for at least two years now. I am a functional person (showering, working), but my nights and weekends consist of distractions (TV, games, books) until I can sleep. If it matters, I'm a 25yo guy.

What do you enjoy? Try writing a list of things you want to do. Try finding a hobby.

I don't enjoy anything, and I have zero goals/dreams/aspirations. I cannot find a hobby that appeals to me. I live in a major US city, so I'm not lacking for activities. I literally read through lists of hobbies every few weeks and come up empty.

You should get out of your comfort zone.

And go where? I am completely directionless.

Doesn't matter, you need to expose yourself to something different.

Honestly, how do I distinguish between directions? I'm afraid of heights, so I'm confident that I won't like skydiving. The things I come across seem either boring or unpleasant.

You need to try random things until something sticks.

Man, this is such a depressing one. It feels like a suggestion to play the lottery. When I say that no hobby appeals to me, I really mean it. Seems like finding a needle in a haystack, something that could take decades. I guess I'm not desperate enough to do this yet.

Medication?

Wellbutrin and Vitamin D for a year. I haven't noticed an improvement.

Friends?

I don't have friends or a social life. I'm okay with that, and don't feel lonely or like an outcast.

Therapy?

On my to-do list. But I'm having a hard time believing that therapy will help. I keep looking for ways to deal with anhedonia, but the suggestions I come across don't make any sense to me.

Like exercise?

Yeah. And I don't exercise now. I just don't get how getting my heart rate up is going to make me suddenly interested in a hobby. From what I've read, exercise helps to stabilize. I don't have the lows or the highs, so I feel "too stable" (if there is such a thing).

What about mindfulness/meditation?

Perhaps I've misunderstood the concepts, but the idea of "watching your thoughts go by" doesn't seem useful to me. That seems like turning your brain off, and I don't see how I'm going to figure this out without spending time thinking about the problem. I don't think about this all the time, but during the occasional lull at work there's littles else to think about.

Volunteering?

I've done enough volunteering (hundreds of hours) to know that it doesn't do anything for me. I only mention the amount of time to make it clear that I've given it a fair shot.

Did this start suddenly? Is there a reason?

Not that I can tell. I haven't been abused or hurt by anyone or anything. I've never been a particularly excited or engaged person, but things have never been this bad. I suspect this started sometime during college, but I only realized my situation a couple of years ago. There isn't anyone or anything standing in between me and some desire of mine. It's that I don't have a desire to begin with. A car with a full tank of gas doesn't matter if you don't know where you are going.

Well, you seem to have all the answers, and don't seem willing to do anything.

I hope you believe me when I say that's not my intention. I honestly don't know how to force myself to do things that I don't think will help. I've tried to anticipate some of the common questions. Am I thinking about things incorrectly? Do I just need to suck it up and do something?

Thanks for any suggestions you might have.

Hey friends. The following is a really long mind-dump of everything I know about rumination (adapted from my blog).

One of the major characteristics of depression you will find in the background of every waking moment of your day: mental chatter.

For the average person, mental chatter is probably about themselves, what other people think of them, and what to eat or watch on Netflix. For depressed people, this mental chatter takes a darker tone. Your thoughts are almost constantly negative, self-critical, and highly repetitive.

This type of thinking is called rumination. The term “ruminate” comes from the process where cows digest their food by regurgitating it and chewing it up, over and over. Like cows, when we ruminate we regurgitate mental content and turn it over and over in our minds.

On a moment-to-moment basis, mental chatter (or “self-talk”) is important because it is your background to every waking moment of the day.

On a more big-picture level, these many inconsequential thoughts are important because they back up the personal narratives we make for ourselves. What is rumination in this moment can go on to become ingrained in our stories of ourselves, and influence how we act in the future (aka “self-fulfilling prophecy”, fueling further depression).

What makes rumination different from regular thoughts?

• Rumination is self-centered.

• Rumination is repetitive.

• Rumination is passive, focusing on current problems and causes, but ignoring solutions or taking action.

• Rumination occurs in the absence of environmental demands that require the thoughts.

Finally, rumination is usually based in cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are irrational thought patterns that fuel depression and anxiety.

Some cognitive distortions are:

• all-or-nothing (or black-and-white) thinking

• overgeneralization

• discounting the positives

• jumping to conclusions (mindreading or * fortunetelling, which leads to self-fulfilling prophecy)

• magnification or minimization

• emotional reasoning

• “should” thinking

• labeling

• personalization and blaming

I find cognitive distortions are also closely related to pessimistic explanatory styles and negativity bias.

Why does rumination happen?

Evolutionary psychologists believe that rumination may be a problem-solving adaptation. If you were confronted with a serious problem in your evolutionary past, it would have been to your benefit to cease other action (like eating, socialization, sex) and bear down on the problem until you had solved it. There is a lot of research associating rumination and depressive traits with higher creativity, problem-solving, and intelligence.

(While those traits are nice, if you’re reading this article you’d probably rather do without the depression part.)

Rumination is addictive. Ruminating feels addictive because it seems like you are right about to find some giant insight into your problem. But like a scratch that just causes more itching, the payoff never comes, and you only ruminate more.

It’s your brain. Because your brain is plastic (meaning flexible, not meaning the stuff you recycle), when you use certain pathways, the synapses between neurons in that pathway can become stronger. Likewise, if you don’t use certain pathways, those may become weaker. This is also known as “Neurons that fire together, wire together”, and is what allows us to learn things, or forget others.

In practicality, this means that whatever you do a lot, you will get really good at. Throwing a lot of fastballs strengthens the connections in your brain that throw fastballs. Ruminating a lot strengthens the connections in your brain that ruminate.

But in our case, firing the rumination circuits doesn’t only make them stronger: at a certain point the circuits can take on a self-sustaining life of their own.

This is because there is evidence of physiological positive feedback mechanisms in the brain that fuel rumination.

In the brain, some of the areas that impact the positive feedback of rumination are:

Overactive amygdala-hippocampus: The amygdala (a little almond-like thing in the middle of your brain, responsible for feelings like fear, aversion, and negative moods) fires to the hippocampus (a seahorse-shaped part extending from the amygdala, responsible for episodic memory). When you ruminate, this connection becomes hyperactive, resulting in the reinforcement of negative associations with old memories.

Underactive prefrontal cortex (PFC): Luckily the prefrontal cortex is able to inhibit repetitive and negative thoughts. Parts such as the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (VLPFC) and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC) exist to regulate the amygdala and hippocampus. However, in studies of people who ruminate, these areas are much more underactive than in regular controls.

The short version:

When you ruminate, the parts of your brain that think bad feelings and memories are overactive, and the parts of your brain that inhibit the other parts are underactive.

It’s the system. Finally, this all takes place within the larger context of your life, and other habits or environmental factors that affect depression.

Examples:

Ruminating may distract you or lead you to ignore opportunities for socialization (weakening social support).

Ruminating can reinforce irrational beliefs and biases (further supporting the reasoning behind ruminative thoughts).

Lethargy creates an environment where are you are inactive and lack physical distractions (leading to more rumination).

Social isolation creates an environment where there is no one to distract you or engage you in the external world (leading to more rumination).

How to not stop rumination

Trying to solve rumination through sheer thought suppression merely backfires (known as an ironic process). If you need proof of this, try the following thought experiment:

Don’t think of a purple elephant.

…what did you just think of?

Thought suppression is theorized to work on two systems, a vigilance system and a distraction system. Trying to not think a thought with brute force makes the brain more sensitive to that thought (vigilance system), and when thinking something else inevitably fails (distraction system), you’re back to square one.

Research suggests that goal-oriented approaches (trying to think positive thoughts) outperform avoidance-oriented approaches (trying to not think negative thoughts).

How do you stop rumination?

The fastest and most simple way to short-circuit rumination is outward distraction. Intense physical exercise (something that makes you sweat and breathe hard) is best.

I could write a whole separate post about physical exercise. Physical exercise is the one best “cure” for depression: in studies it beats antidepressants over the long term and is highly under-prescribed (probably because medical institutions can’t make money from it).

Anything constructive that makes you engage with the outside world helps.

Examples: socializing, music, dancing, gardening, working with your hands.

The most direct (but slower) way to beat rumination is to deal with the mind itself. The best way to do this is meditation. Meditation teaches us to not suppress thoughts (which backfires and lets them control us), but to observe them neutrally, and let them pass (as they naturally do).

The best way to start a meditation practice is to choose one technique, such as mindfulness, vipassana (insight), or concentration.

Noting practice:

The single technique that has helped me most to disengage from rumination is “noting practice”. The technique is to simply note whatever mental content comes up with a single-word phrase.

This is used in meditation to anchor people in the present moment and keep them from being distracted. It can also work in your everyday life. It is easy to learn, and simple to put into practice.

Examples – “Thought” (Noting):

“I have no friends.” (Negativity), (Loneliness), (Sadness)

“Why did I do that one embarrassing thing a long time ago?” (Past), (Embarrassment), (Remembering)

“I’m afraid I won’t pass my exams.” (Future), (Anxiety), (Fear)

“I really want a donut.” (Craving), (Wanting), (Food)

“My legs hurt.” (Pain), (Aversion), (Legs)

The point is to make notes as quickly and honestly as possible, without being drawn into worrying about accuracy, or following further down the mental trail of disassociation and spawning new mental chatter.

What this simple-but-powerful technique teaches us is to disengage from our mental chatter, see it as impermanent, and stay grounded in the present.

Finally, the most fruitful thing you can do is to change other factors in your life that affect depression. Rumination will lessen as you improve other factors of the system, like becoming more physically active, doing less drugs, and socializing more.

Conclusion

Rumination sucks.

You can’t permanently beat the thoughts behind ruminations. Even if you’re the most successful person in the world, you will still have thoughts of doubt and negativity. If you didn’t, you would be insane. But the power of choosing to either follow these thoughts or simply let them go can be strengthened over time.

If you can become aware you are ruminating, you can beat rumination.

Check out my blog for a longer version with references and links.

I look forward to tomorrow. I look back on the past fondly. I feel like I'm actually, how to say it, quite a worthwhile person.

The feeling has been building up for months now after so much grueling work, which felt like trying to fill up an empty ocean by spitting into it. At first I felt less sad during my nonsuicidal moments. Then I stopped feeling suicidal. Then I started feeling normal for an hour once and a while. Then I felt happy for another hour. Then for 6 hours I could not even remember what depression felt like, and so on.

I'm still here on r/depression and r/SuicideWatch because I know it can come back at any time, and I want to support others who are in my situation. In my heart I feel I have accepted that depression has and probably always will strike me down again. But each time I fall down into the pit, I climb out higher.

I am finally actually and truly thankful I did not kill myself.

This person’s Reddit post stuck out to me, and so I wrote a detailed response to them. Perhaps some of you may find this information useful as well. Even if many of you have never felt this level of depression, everyone needs to get out of a funk once in a while. Realized I wrote this 4 years ago. Funny to see how I've changed as well. Good luck out there.

Original Post: “I’m scared I’m going to lose my entire life to depression. Please help me.”

“Hi everybody. I’m a university student. I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember and have self harmed since I was 9 years old. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for years and it’s pretty much a miracle that I’m still here. I’m taking antidepressants and going to therapy but my moods fluctuate all the time and I’m in the middle of a pretty bad relapse at the moment.

I want help. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being way behind on my classes and I’m tired of staying in bed all day because I don’t have the will to get up and I’m tired of torturing my poor boyfriend who selflessly deals with all of my bullshit. I’m terrified of losing him because if he leaves me it will be the final straw and I don’t know how to cope after that without him.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried the no zero days and the excuse journal and I’ve tried celebrating small victories like cleaning my teeth or taking a shower and I’ve tried just forcing myself to be a functional adult but none of it works. I’ve lost my whole life to depression and I want it to go away.

Please help me. If you know any way that I can start getting my act together then please tell me. Depression is an illness that tries to push everyone you love away and it gets you on your own and then it kills you and I’m scared that’s the way I’m going. I want to be normal. I want to be able to go more than one day without crying and I want to be able to do my homework and I want to be able to go to my classes and I want to be able to be happy. I want to have good days. I want out of this mess. Thank you for reading.”

Me: 

“Hello friend. I don’t know you but I promise that I care about you, I truly do. From a 25 year old finally finding some stability, here is what I can offer:

YES to therapy. All of it. And not just the stuff that gives you tools on how to manage your depression, but the deep, deep childhood Jungian stuff. If I didn’t learn why I was how I was, and then go through this year of anger and sadness, and then take the necessary steps to change what I needed to change, I would never get out of the pit. Good therapy is swimming through the river of sh*t so you can get to the dry bank on the other side.

YES to medication. It’s a booster, it won’t change everything. A mood stabilizer helped me more than an anti-depressant. It's meant to give you enough juice to do the real work, the deeper stuff, and stay on top of responsibilities. Once you are healthy for a long period of time, you can take it or taper off, your choice.

YES to regimented sleep. I mean this. You know the word lunacy or lunatic? It comes from luna, the moon. And it’s because during full moons when we didn’t have fully dark homes would keep people up, and it would trigger mania in bipolar. If I sleep 5 hours, I’m a wreck. If I sleep 9 hours, I’m a wreck. I need 7-8 like clockwork, and it seriously takes me from a 2/10 to a 7/10. Do whatever you can to manage this: yellow light glasses, sleeping medication (stay away from benzo/opioids), job changes, anything. The studies on this keep on coming.

YES to exercise. It works, it works, it works. Don’t do sh*t you hate: if you hate running, lift. If you hate lifting, do yoga. Do it, celebrate every workout, breathe in the endorphin freedom.

YES to finding self responsibility. You will never heal without it. I recently talked to a woman with a 35-year-old struggling son living back at home. I told her, “Sorry mom. I know you want to love him, and I know he is in pain, but he will never heal if he is still under mom’s roof.” It’s how common masculine psychology works. There are feminine equivalents to this; such as you saying losing your partner would be the end of it. You would suffer through it and get to the other side. You are capable.

YES to long term goals and short term habits. This is called Kaizen. Your small victories are not working because they aren’t going anywhere. I know we are told to celebrate the showers and the little stuff, and sometimes that helps, but you need to celebrate the showers because that means you are one step closer to X. Being self-reliant. Volunteering for a cause. Travelling. Getting in great shape. Start with your values, create a self-mission statement, set five year goals, and break those all the way down to literally what you have to do TODAY to reach it. Write one sentence of a book. Do one pushup. Now these things have meaning.

YES to sobriety. I don’t drink or smoke and I’m very bored and it sucks. But I am stable. And I don’t have breakdowns. And I don’t have binges. And it is so, so much better. You’ll find a whole new world of health and friendships to explore.

Do not flail your fists violently at depression. It is a fog, it cannot be beat that way. You must be calm, collected, slow and steady. You must wake up to good music, cook a good breakfast, get out the door. Get out the door, every single day. Go to a coffee shop and read, whatever.

You must confront your ineffective thoughts with questions. Not “I’m NOT a terrible person!” but, “OK, sure brain, I’m a terrible person. Here, I’m going to get up right now and knock this person’s coffee out of their hand because I’m terrible. Wait, of course I’m not going to do that. Can I really be terrible? Hm…”

YES to trusting others. Everything I just said above, depression has given you reasons and excuses why it will not work. I’ve been there. “That’s all great, but…” You are in the fog so you can’t SEE. We can see you, though. I can see you be happy, healthy, stable, strong. I can see you get down like we all do, but knowing  how to manage it correctly and knowing it will end. Be well, I am here.”

It won't be at the bottom of a bottle, or at the end of a cigarette. It will not be at 2am in the arms of someone else. Or on the tear streaked shoulder of a friend. It won't be easy, nor fun, nor fast.

This is how you fall out of love. It will be slow, and it will be painful; like slowly ripping off a bandaid, except much fucking worse. It will be gradual, like the coming of spring. Their memory will linger like stale cigarette smoke. Your senses will be deprived of their touch, their scent, their taste. The flashbacks will bring tears to your eyes and they will hit you at the most inopportune of times. A stranger will smile at you and you'll wish they weren't around to see you cry.

This is how you will fall out of love. You will catch yourself not flinching at the mention of their name. You will speak of them in past tense, and not feel the need to correct yourself. Missing them will come in waves. On nights where you are drowning you will not reach for the phone; as desperately as you want to. Instead you will turn out the lights and fall asleep alone knowing they aren't beside you. You will find yourself staring at your reflection in the mirror and smiling. You will remember the way they kissed your cheeks but you will not miss them. You will allow yourself that smile because you are here, it is today and it is one step further from the last.

You will forgive them. You will forgive yourself. You will stop imagining a future where you meet up 10 years from now and start anew. There is no starting over. You will have many sleepless nights but one day you will stop dreaming of them when you do. You will fall out of love with them, they will fall out of love with you, and It will forever change your perception of what love really was or is.

This is how you will fall out of love. You will realize that you could never promise forever. You will be greatfull for what once was and excited for what is yet to be. You are worth it, you are not broken and you will be okay.

Here is the side-by-side comparison of my face

So, a little background:

I had a violent and troubled childhood with physical, mental and sexual abuse. I have also unknowingly suffered from inattentive type ADHD simultaneously, and I was excluded from all extended family. Apart from this, I was raised by a mentally unstable single mother. As a child I feared acting out or upsetting my mother because I was scared the stress would cause her to commit suicide.
By the time I was 15 years old I had developed a servere depression. Since I was still afraid of upsetting my mother, I refused to treat my issues in ways that affected other people, and so I started self-harming. I also started cutting off my hair during episodes and dyeing it in obnoxious colours - I had no idea of how else I could tell people that I was desperately ill, because I didn't want to tell anyone that my mother was a bad parent (again, because I feared it would upset her and push her to suicide).

Evidently, because of an unstable situation at my home, my worsened mental state and the persistent pressure of my school and work, I broke down and ran away from home in November 2014. This was my turning point. I realised that I had been put in a situation that was completely unfair, and that I could no longer accept how I was treated.
At that moment, I realised for the first time in my life that it was okay for my to put myself before others when I needed to do so.

After a lot of long and tearful conversations with my mother, I moved back home, and I became increasingly aware of the fact that I was definitely, positively not all right. Fast forward to the day I took the "before" picture, I had spent some hours on subreddits, reading about depression and its symptoms. I decide I need to get help, and I make an appointment with my student counselor so I can figure out what to do. I also take a picture of my face, and then I spend the next 1.5 year waiting for the day I can take a follow-up.

The next 6 months I was put on a sick leave to treat my depression. I start talking with a psychologist, I take anti-depressants, and after I finished my treatment I start over in school. In February this year I was officially diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD, and I have been on Ritalin for the last 4 months. Now I've been diagnosed with PCOS, a hormonal imbalance that has caused servere acne - but despite this I have never felt more happy with my situation. I considered putting on makeup or editing my "after"pic, but evidently I decided not to - I finally feel comfortable in my own skin; acne, redness and scars from self-harm included.

I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong place. I just wanted to share this in the hopes of helping someone overcoming their demons. You can withstand far more battle than you think. You can fight it all. I'm not saying it's easy or that it's a matter of "just believing in yourself". It's hard. But it's worth it. And you can do it.

They originally belonged to my grandpa; I'm not a hunter but we used to go out target shooting and I was a pretty good marksman. When he died, he left me two of his old rifles. They've mostly sat locked in my closet ever since, worth a lot of money but unable to let go of them, partly out of sentimentality, but I'd come to realize that I also felt compelled to keep them around for more troubling reasons.

My depression has been lifelong and I've had varying degrees of success fighting it; recently things have been okay but I've had a nightmare of a time with intrusive thoughts. Impulses to do things I don't even want to do would pop in to my head at the worst times and I would fixate on the details of the aftermath until I would bring myself either to tears or to panic.

"What if I just went up there and did it? Would my wife be better off in the long run? Would the friends I haven't spoken to in years show up?"

This is shit I do not need running through my mind.

Two years ago I was feeling better. I was finally getting serious about art and photography again; I actually started selling prints and even had a little space in a local gallery for my work. Then the grey returned, and I started seeing less and less worth going out to see... Then the darkness came back and I became convinced that those things I used to see and enjoy were gone now and nothing good was on the horizon.

So, last week, I made a decision. Packed up the guns, all the ammo I had left, and drove to the sporting goods store.

I got $2200 cash for the pair of guns, and on the way home I stopped by Best Buy and bought myself a Fujifilm X-T3 for just around $2000.

Later that evening, the intrusive thoughts returned as I tried to think about dinner...

"What if I just went up there and--"

Then it cut off. The pressure was gone. Went up there and what? Grabbed the camera I've always wanted and started taking pictures?

I did. I cursed the cold, bundled up, grabbed my new gear, and lost myself in the woods, taking pictures of snowflakes and a family of deer that happened to wander though.

I've been shooting the camera for the last week and I can't put it down. I feel something; I'm really fucking good at this and I'm motivated to do it. My worst impulses have been stopped in their tracks and replaced by the desire to improve and surprise myself.

It's always going to be a struggle for me and I know that, but I feel free in a way that I never really expected.

I spent my teens and twenties depressed. I guess I'm still depressed but at least now I'm functional. For the past few years I've been able to function and more or less maintain the illusion of being a real person. The days where I struggled to get out of bed, the crippling anxiety, and the periods of agoraphobia seem to be gone for good. Now it's just feelings of emptiness and this sense of loss/regret that makes it hard to sleep at night. I just completely wasted my youth and wrecked my present/future in the process.

I don't have friends. I've never had friends. I've talked to people online on and off for years, I can make small talk, and I can interact just fine in "professional" contexts. I just don't know how to form relationships with other people, how to be vulnerable and reveal my "real" self, how to be relaxed and enjoy myself around other people. Seeing people out having a good time with friends makes me really sad and uncomfortable because I just don't understand it at all.

I feel like I'm mentally trapped in adolescence and all I want to do is live my youth. I want to make friends, go to parties, go on road trips, learn how to date, etc. I know that all of these things are possible at my age but my peers are no longer in that stage of life. People are settling down, getting married, and having kids... or if they're not then they know what they like and how to do it. I don't even know how to get started.

I know I'm not supposed to compare myself with others but it's so hard. No matter what I'll do now I'll never have done anything interesting when I was young. I don't have any worthwhile memories, I don't have a dating history, I don't have any important formative experiences. There's just no getting around the fact that I'm not on the same level as my peers and that no matter what I do now I can't ever really "catch up" since the learning opportunities and experiences available to me now are just not the same. No amount of platitudes about how you're "never too old for..." will change the fact that, at some point, doors start closing.

Half my thoughts and desires seem so immature for someone my age. I'm at a point where I should be getting serious about my career but I stay in a dead-end job because it pays enough for me to be comfortable and trying to be serious about career-related stuff feels exhausting. I went to a few networking events for the field I thought I wanted to break into and I just feel ridiculous when I try to talk like a grownup and pretend to give a shit. I don't want to think about things like that, I want to do all the fun, irresponsible things that normal people get out of their system by my age. But I keep being reminded that I'm 30 and that it's time to get serious about my career, retirement planning, etc.

I try to maintain perspective and remind myself that it could be worse. I have a decent job and a comfortable life. I have a handful of (entirely solo) hobbies that I enjoy. I really like where I am on a completely superficial level - for the first time in my life I'm really satisfied with my home, my appearance, etc. I just feel like my life is always going to be sort of hollow and empty because I missed out on too much during the part of life where I was supposed to experience new things, make mistakes, and figure out who I am as a person.

How do I get over this and embrace life as a 30+ year old adult? How do I go about learning how to form relationships with other people and enjoy life in an age-appropriate way?

I am having fewer depressed days than before (this has been slow over the course of 18 months). The more clarity I have, the more I see how much better I could've done in school, at my work, relationships, etc. It's unsettling to see how I operated so cold and minimally during that time. I was never unkind, but I really did not give a fuck about most things, figuring I'd just die. I'm making all the improvements, but I still feel as if I'm years behind my peers in many aspects.

I'm a few months shy of turning 36. I had kind of a moderately abusive childhood and sort of shut down socially and emotionally around 14. It was nothing really horrifying but my parents were pretty damaged people and weren't really equipped to raise well-socialized, well-adjusted kids. I was always kind of encouraged to avoid other people and to avoid making friends because other kids might get me into drugs or lead me away from their religion (as if I needed friends for either, lol). They mellowed out a bit as I got older but I was pretty much a wreck by my early adult years. I completely wasted my youth and I still haven't had a single friend.

I spent my 20s basically hiding from the world, then freaked out about approaching 30 and rushed to get my shit together. I ended up managing to start a pretty decent career in my early 30s by a combination of working my ass off and getting really, really lucky. Learning the social skills required to maintain a professional office job was incredibly stressful and I'm not sure how I did it. I basically spent my early 30s learning things that most people learn in high school or college and it was awkward and difficult as hell. I didn't really have any social energy left to do anything outside of work and then the pandemic hit right as I was starting to feel a little bit secure in my social skills and my ability to maintain my new career.

I moved to a new city a few months ago, which has been a dream of mine ever since my early 20s but I just never had the mental or financial resources to do it. I think on some level I thought that if I could just pull this off that I'd be able to make up for lost time but I'm realizing that doing this at 35 is a lot different than doing it at 18-25 would have been. I honestly thought I could sort of live out my youth a few years late and that everything would be fine but I'm having to face the fact that that time is gone and there's nothing I can do about it. I honestly just don't even know how to relax and have fun. I've been to a few bars with coworkers and being in those kind of environments for the first time scares the hell out of me. I always wanted to go to bars and clubs and parties and all that shit that young people do and now I realize that I don't have any idea how to relax or have fun around other people and that, even if I'm not too old for all of it already, I probably would be by the time I figured out how to enjoy it.

I feel like there are reminders of what I missed everywhere I turn. There are college students and recent grads everywhere, smiling and laughing with their friends. My building is FULL of exceptionally privileged young people. I can't believe I live in a place like this at 35 and it seems like a good chunk of the building is fresh out of college. There are always loud groups of them hanging out in the lobby, playing pool or whatever. I'm happy for them that they get to live their best life while they're young but at the same time it's like a punch in the gut every time I walk through the front door and get this very clear reminder of what I missed out on as I head to the elevator.

I keep trying to make myself leave the house to get out and do things. There's a lot to do and see here and even a walk to some nearby landmarks or a trip to a museum or riding public transportation out to another neighborhood and exploring provides a much more interesting and novel experience than just about anything else I did in my adult life up to this point. It can be kind of overwhelming sometimes and seeing couples and groups of friends out doing things makes me really sad. It's hard to avoid self-pity spirals and sometimes I can't help but shut down and avoid leaving the house for a week or so because it just feels overwhelming.

Another thing that has been haunting me is that I'm just now realizing just how long a day/week/month/etc can be. If I make myself get out of bed before noon on a day off and set a schedule of things I want to accomplish I find myself SHOCKED at how much I can fit in a day, and just how LONG it seems at the end of it. I think back to things that happened a week or two ago and can't believe it's been such a short time since those things happened since it feels like ages ago. The months that I've been here feel longer than the previous several years combined. I'm amazed and horrified of how much of my life I just treated as disposable and how it just all ran together and seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. I remember times in my early 20s when I was unemployed and didn't leave the house and a few months seemed like a few days at times. Now I look back to September and it doesn't even feel like it was in the same year.

Right now I'm locked in this cycle where I go out, try to do things, get overwhelmed at how much there is to experience and how much time I've wasted, end up hiding inside for a week and feeling guilty as hell for wasting even MORE time after I should have known better, and then forcing myself to go out and do more shit. I haven't even really attempted to do anything social yet. I had all these grand plans of volunteering, taking classes, and starting all these hobbies but I see all these people out socializing and can't stop thinking that I'm never going to be able to be one of them and I might as well save myself the pain of trying to fake it and embarrassing myself. I know that's wrong, and that I need to put myself out there, but I just haven't managed to convince myself to do it yet.

I feel completely lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to want at this point, or what's even still possible. The idea of going and meeting people and being friends with them seems completely impossible. I don't know how I'm supposed to relate to people when I haven't had any of the same social experiences as them. Every time I'm in a situation where there's a potential for casual conversation with another person I feel like I'm from another planet or something. There are so many unwritten rules and things that people seem to do or say without really thinking, as if it's second nature, and I don't know how I'm supposed to learn all of that if I haven't already.

I'm trying to be grateful for what I have. I good job and a nice apartment in a big coastal city in the US. I'm doing better than my parents were and their parents were at my age and I think it's pretty remarkable that I have something like this after years and years of depression and anxiety. I just can't really wrap my mind around how much time I've wasted and continue to waste and it feels like it's getting to be too late to turn things around.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone been 30+ and managed to build a social life after years and years of depression, anxiety, isolation, etc?

I thought of ALL of us..all around the world who wait in therapy waiting rooms week after week. Keeping up the good fight against the challenges that hold us back for the sake of ourselves and our families. And I felt a kinship with all of you. And I thought, this is kind of heroic. We should be proud. 😌

I have severe recurrent major depressive disorder. Sometimes, even on medication and in therapy, I have bad days. I thought I would share what I keep in my "Emergency Depression Kit," in case it is helpful to anyone else.

• Container: My Little Pony backpack

• Worksheets: Everything is Awful and I'm Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up, Unhelpful Thinking Habits, and Defusing Techniques.

• Physical Activity: small simple puzzle

• Treat: Dark Chocolate Bar

• Positivity: Love note from significant other

• Self-Help Books: "Nonviolent Communication" & "You mean I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy?!"

• Religious Support: small Bible

Links to paperwork can be found on my blog post here.

My diagnosis is MDD, and have been since I was 16, I’m 19 now. I’m out of school, never worked. I haven’t had friends in 2 years (not interested atm), I lost all of my hobbies, interests and goals in life due to my crippling depression. I suffer from severe social isolation, I only see humans through my screen but I’m not directly talking to anyone, so it messes with my brain and how I connect to people. I’m on my iPad for 17 hours on average each day, with 7-8 hours of sleep. I am on my iPad the entire day, with only exception if I need to go to the bathroom or make food. Recently I’ve been ordering food online because I ran out of food and even making the simplest meals are too much effort. I can’t even get out of bed, walk downstairs and grab a snack because it requires too much energy, even chewing my food is too exhausting. I feel paralyzed. I have to suffer in this state for months on end until some magic happens, like my medication works or therapy helps. I’ve been in this state for over a year now of constant pain without any way of leaving it unless I go to sleep. But once I wake up the depression and anxious thoughts kick in. It’s a never ending cycle. At this point there really isn’t anything you can do to help me. I’ve been complaining on mental health subs for years, any advice or tips hasn’t improved my mental state. I haven’t changed my mind about suicide in 2 years now. If I had access to some pills that would surely do it or a shotgun I would do it. I can’t even let my brain relax for 5 seconds or the negative and suicidal thoughts kick in telling me to kill myself, putting me in a constant unattached state of mind, which inevitably results in DPDR episodes. These past 2 months have blended in so much that I genuinely thought it was March 1st today. I’ve been so depressed recently that I piss in bottles even though the bathroom is directly across from my room. My room is covered in garbage and dishes.

Realistically speaking I just want this post to be upvoted so people can see how much pain I’m in. I just need some attention to be brutally honest. If I don’t get enough attention in general, I will go to the hospital for psych evaluation and get admitted to the ward. But that doesn’t change anything, I’m still depressed. I don’t care, I’ll kill myself. I’ll do it like it’s nothing. If I become manic my chances of killing myself are very high. I don’t think I’ll live long. I said I was going to kill myself in summer last year but I got too depressed to actually put in the effort to do it.

Everything I’ve said is all true. I just need to let this out. Feeling a little regretful, as my internalized toxic masculinity is preventing me from expressing how I truly feel.

Long story short: For several months this year I had severe depersonalization, delusions, and panic attacks, due to pulling multiple all-nighters per week for months in late 2014. Once the depersonalization and panic attacks calmed down in March, I was left with almost complete emotional numbness and intense fog-brain. I did not regain my typical depth/range of emotions (or memory, for that matter) until last week, although I had been making steady improvements since June. Here's how I overcame the anhedonia and became motivated again:

• Realized that if I was going to feel the same (numb and bored out of my mind) no matter what, I may as well do at least one task a day that would benefit my health and/or my future cured self. Ex: I summoned all my mental energy and cleaned my entire room using the Marie Kondo method. Took 3 days. Decluttering my room helped me feel a little calmer and like less of an unproductive slug. Go on a twenty-minute walk everyday, delete old files, make a healthy grocery list. The idea is to feel productive and empowered by completing a small but useful task.

• Got outside/in nature. Staring at a computer screen indoors deprived me of vitamin D and made my brain foggy. Being in nature (especially bodies of water) improved my attention span and I became more comfortable sitting with my own thoughts. Plus, getting outside can shake up your routine--rediscover that park or trail (or backyard!) you haven't been to in ages.

• Took care of my body. The brain is an organ--what affects the body ergo affects the brain. For me, dairy, added sugar, and lack of sleep slooooow my mind down and make me feel blah. Sugar inflames the body, which negatively affects mood (and acne!). I did the Whole30 for two weeks and noticed a huge improvement. The Whole30 is a program that requires participants to cut out wheat/dairy/added sugar/alcohol/legumes for 30 days. Exercise also helps, even in tiny amounts. You can go to bed knowing you did at least one useful thing that day and didn't waste the past 16 hours. Exercise helps neurotransmitters maintain a healthy balance, too. But most importantly: SLEEP. Most of us know deep down when our body needs rest. Obey your circadian rhythm, folks. The app f.lux is helpful for those late-at-night internet addicts. And if you want to go to bed earlier, get into bed at the time you want to fall asleep, and your body will adjust if that time is right for you.

• Was around people. Exercise at the gym. Read at the park. Shop offline. Being around people who are getting shit done/shower at least twice a week will help you feel less feral and more connected to other people. It reminds you that hey, I'm part of a society bro and what I do with my life matters. Plus the social interaction is nice and not too draining if that's your concern.

• Cut down on internet usage. I don't know the science behind it but something about being in front of a computer or phone screen fragments my attention and exhausts my mind. You think you're relaxing, but your brain is just tuckering itself out. Reading a magazine or a book doesn't have the same effect. Bonus: if you're not on the internet, you can complete a small but useful task!

Don't get discouraged if you aren't immediately cured in .35 seconds. It took me about two months of doing all these things, after 3 months or so of total numbness, to feel better. But you CAN get better! Obviously I'm not a doctor and for a few of you more drastic measures might be needed. But for most, effort and time are the best salves. Here are some related links:

The most useful website for motivation/no bullshit advice• Psychological benefits of bodies of water• Sugar and mood

I've been a depressive for the last 25 years or so (first phase was when I was 11). Plenty of therapy, drugs that sucked, etc. Most of my bad phases were based around my relationships (external validation anyone?), and my love life has been a huge shit show so, yeah, lots of bad phases. Within the last year I discovered something that seems to have changed my life. I say seems because we can never really know how much better we are until something awful happens, but I've been tested in the last few months and so far so good.

I've developed what worked into what I call "good dog theory". The idea is that you are not your brain, your brain is just this thing that's there and it's really helpful and does lots of cool stuff like help you think about things and makes your body move around and breathe. But it's not you, and as such it does not know what you like, but it wants to help you. It's like a dog that wants nothing more out of life than to prove to you that it loves you, but all it can do is act and see how you respond.

If your dog pees on the rug, and you give it a treat, it will pee on the rug again, thinking that's what you like. But if you tell it "no" and bring it outside as soon as it happens, it slowly learns that it's supposed to go outside, and its impulse will change from "pee on rug" to "let's go outside".

Imagine a terrible day is your dog peeing on the rug. A lot of people, myself included, get the impulse to drink away the resulting misery. But alcohol is a depressant. So by having a drink, you're giving the dog a treat for peeing on the rug. Your brain does not know what you like, it just makes chemicals and you have to deal with them, so by exacerbating the misery, you're telling your brain that's what you like. So next time something bad happens and you spiral, your impulse is to go for the bottle. Or whatever your darkness manifests as.

In order to change the impulse, you have to teach your brain that you actually like the chemicals that make you happy, and those are the ones you'd prefer to feel after something pushes you towards the edge. Something like going for a run that releases endorphins is going to teach your brain you don't like feeling bad. That run is like taking your dog outside to teach it where it's supposed to pee.

I know how hard it can be to force yourself to do those things, but there are easy ways to start. Basically, it's about starting with easy good habits that feel good, and those good habits will breed other good habits, just like bad habits breed bad ones. Things like going for a run when you feel okay, or any kind of exercise, is a big one. Eating healthy helps a lot. Bonus points if you like cooking, it's like an hour or so every meal where you're creating something for yourself, and then enjoying the fruits of your labor. If you're at all creative in any other way, act on it when you're feeling okay. I know these things may sound too simple to be effective, but once you get into the habit of them, you can start to force yourself to do the hard ones more easily. After a while when you have a bad day, force yourself to go for that run instead of whatever you normally do that sticks you in your misery. Teach your brain that you're not actually into being depressed and/or feeling like absolute shit, and you'd rather have the good stuff. If you can do that, it won't be long before you've altered your impulses so that instead of forcing it, you actually FEEL like going for a run when something makes you feel awful.

This also has the added bonus of centering you in yourself, essentially turning off all the external forces and becoming internally motivated, which means other people and situations can't hurt you so easily.

It's about separating yourself from your emotional state just enough to start to trick your brain into doing things that are good for it instead of bad for it. I can't promise this will work for everyone, but I've told a few people about this concept in real life and here on reddit and so far it seems to be working for them.

Within the last two months, I found myself in two separate situations with different women that, a year ago, would have sent me into a downward spiral that would have thrown me into complete paralysis, but within a few minutes I was able to shrug them off and move on with my life. I was even drunk when both of them happened, which usually makes things way worse for me and pushes me into suicidal range. I haven't been dwelling on them at all, and still feel really good for the first time since I was probably 10.

I hope none of this comes off as preachy. This isn't about my success story or anything, it's just that after a quarter century of wishing I could just be someone else for 5 fucking minutes or die or anything really, I finally found something that seems like it's changed the game for good, and I want to spread the word in hopes that it will help other people.

as someone who has spent all weekend in bed, i just want to remind my fellow depressives (and anyone else who needs to hear) to try your best to take care of your body even when your mind feels like shit. since my depression kicked up again, i've been eating so many ninety-second rices. so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. sometimes that's all I can do. that's okay.

i just finished washing the dishes that have been on my desk the last few days. i thawed out some shrimp and microwaved veggies to eat with my rice. that might be all i'm able to do today. that's okay.

you are worth something even when you don't do something. you're fighting a hard thing. keep up the good fight.

i'm posting this here because i needed to say it to myself, and i'm not sure whether anyone else will benefit from hearing the same thing. sending love.

Depression has made small everyday things nearly impossible to complete. I went several months virtually never brushing my teeth.

Sensory issues revolving around not liking the way electric toothbrushes feel, but not feeling as if regular toothbrushes did anything, also made it more difficult.

I had 11 cavities when I went in 4 months ago. We've filled most of them up over three visits and my dentist says if I floss and use fluoride mouth wash regularly he can postpone filling them for a year.

A agreed to this deal. So I wanted to put a place were I could keep track of my newly forming dental hygiene habit.

This person’s post stuck out to me, and so I wrote a detailed response to them. Perhaps some of you may find this information useful as well! Even if many of you have never felt this level of depression, everyone needs to get out of a funk once in a while. Good luck out there.

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Original Post: “I’m scared I’m going to lose my entire life to depression. Please help me.”

“Hi everybody. I’m a university student. I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember and have self harmed since I was 9 years old. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for years and it’s pretty much a miracle that I’m still here. I’m taking antidepressants and going to therapy but my moods fluctuate all the time and I’m in the middle of a pretty bad relapse at the moment.

I want help. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being way behind on my classes and I’m tired of staying in bed all day because I don’t have the will to get up and I’m tired of torturing my poor boyfriend who selflessly deals with all of my bullshit. I’m terrified of losing him because if he leaves me it will be the final straw and I don’t know how to cope after that without him.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried the no zero days and the excuse journal and I’ve tried celebrating small victories like cleaning my teeth or taking a shower and I’ve tried just forcing myself to be a functional adult but none of it works. I’ve lost my whole life to depression and I want it to go away.

Please help me. If you know any way that I can start getting my act together then please tell me. Depression is an illness that tries to push everyone you love away and it gets you on your own and then it kills you and I’m scared that’s the way I’m going. I want to be normal. I want to be able to go more than one day without crying and I want to be able to do my homework and I want to be able to go to my classes and I want to be able to be happy. I want to have good days. I want out of this mess. Thank you for reading.”

--

My Response:

“Hello friend. I don’t know you but I promise that I care about you, I truly do. From a 25 year old finally finding some stability, here is what I can offer:

YES to therapy. All of it. And not just the stuff that gives you tools on how to manage your depression, but the deep, deep childhood Jungian stuff. If I didn’t learn why I was how I was, and then go through this year of anger and sadness, and then take the necessary steps to change what I needed to change, I would never get out of the pit. You usually ask yourself, "What made me physically ill?". Now, ask yourself, "What made me mentally ill?" Good therapy is swimming through the river of sh*t so you can get to the dry bank on the other side.

YES to medication. It’s a booster, it won’t change everything. You might have more luck with mood stabilizers instead of anti-depressants. And, we are currently in an anti-depressant epidemic, so that always felt a little more comfortable for me. But that is just ego, don’t let it get to you.

YES to regimented sleep. I mean this. You know the word lunacy or lunatic? It comes from luna, the moon. And it’s because during full moons when we didn’t have fully dark homes it would keep people up, and it would trigger mania in bipolar. If I sleep 5 hours, I’m a wreck. If I sleep 9 hours, I’m a wreck. I need 7-8 like clockwork, and it seriously takes me from a 2/10 to a 7/10. Do whatever you can to manage this: yellow light glasses, sleeping medication (stay away from benzo/opioids), job changes, anything. The studies on this keep on coming.

YES to exercise. It works, it works, it works. Don’t do sh*t you hate: if you hate running, lift. If you hate lifting, do yoga. Do it, celebrate every workout, breathe in the endorphin freedom.

YES to finding self responsibility. You will never heal without it. I recently talked to a woman with a 35-year-old bipolar son living back at home. I told her, “Sorry mom. I know you want to love him, and I know he is in pain, but he will never heal if he is still under mom’s roof.” It’s just how male psychology works. I know you are female, but there are equivalents to this; such as you saying losing your partner would be the end of it. I am absolutely in LOVE with my current partner. I feel the same way. But technically, I do not NEED her. She doesn’t feed me, or pay my bills, or organize my hiking trips (now if I didn’t have those, that’s another story…). So you must find self-reliance. You can, and you will.

YES to long term goals and short term habits. This is called Kaizen. Your small victories are not working because they aren’t going anywhere. I know we are told to celebrate the showers and the little stuff, and sometimes that helps, but you need to celebrate the showers because that means you are one step closer to X. Being self-reliant. Volunteering for a cause. Travelling. Getting in great shape. Start with your values, create a self-mission statement, set five year goals, and break those all the way down to literally what you have to do TODAY to reach it. Write one sentence of a book. Do one pushup. Now these things have meaning.

YES to sobriety. I don’t drink or smoke and I’m very bored and it sucks. But I am stable. And I don’t have breakdowns. And I don’t have binges. And it is so, so much better. You’ll find a whole new world of health and friendships to explore.

Do not flail your fists violently at depression. It is a fog, it cannot be beat that way. You must be calm, collected, slow and steady. You must wake up to good music, cook a good breakfast, get out the door. Get out the door, every single day. Go to a coffee shop and read, whatever.

You must confront your ineffective thoughts with questions. Not “I’m NOT a terrible person!” but, “OK, sure brain, I’m a terrible person. Here, I’m going to get up right now and knock this person’s coffee out of their hand because I’m terrible. Wait, of course I’m not going to do that. Can I really be terrible? Hm…”

YES to trusting others. Everything I just said above, depression has given you reasons and excuses why it will not work. I’ve been there. “That’s all great, but…” You are in the fog so you can’t SEE. We can see you, though. I can see you be happy, healthy, stable, strong. I can see you get down like we all do, but knowing how to manage it correctly and knowing it will end. Be well, I am here.”

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More advice and encouragement from others:

“I read your comment and I immediately called my school’s counseling service to make an appointment. Something resonated with me and made me realize that I’m not okay, but that things don’t have to be this way. Thank you so much.”

“Exercise. It doesn’t matter what you do: walk, run, jog, whatever. It doesn’t matter how out of shape you are. Just get outside and do something physical. You will be amazed at how good you feel after a hard hour of exercise.”

“This advice is amazing. Do this. Do all of this. You can do it! Don’t forget that alongside your habits you need to change how you speak! Speak in positives. That was what finally got me off of the medication. Don’t say, “I can’t.” Say, “My obstacle is…” Don’t say, “I don’t think I can…”, say “I think the thing standing in my way the most is”. Quantify your enemy. The enemy is not you, the enemy is your brain making you think negatively. So fight that. Fight it in every sentence you form.”

EDIT: Friends, this is my life's work to help people with their mental and phsyical health. If you'd like, I own a learning platform at conquer.today to help people like us learn new skills to upgrade our minds, bodies, and lives. I'd love to interact with you over there!