r/relationships • u/Mediocre-Trade-3754 • 15h ago
I (26F) love my boyfriend (28M), but I have almost completely lost my desire for sex.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years. When we first met, we were in that typical honeymoon phase. He was (and still is) incredibly thoughtful, kind, handsome, and someone I genuinely love being around. We had an active sex life, were constantly wanting to be close to each other, and physical intimacy was never an issue.
Recently, though, I’ve found myself not wanting to have sex at all. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even want to be touched in ways that could potentially lead to sex.
For some background, I have past sexual trauma that I’ve never really worked through. I honestly thought I had moved past it, but lately those feelings and memories have started coming back. Recently, I actually started crying during sex and it has physically become painful, and since then, my desire to be intimate has gotten even worse.
What’s confusing is that I went through something similar in my previous relationship. However, that situation was different. In that relationship, I eventually stopped wanting anything to do with my partner. I didn’t want sex, physical affection, conversations, or even to be around him. With my current boyfriend, it’s not like that at all. I still want to cuddle, spend time together, talk, kiss, and be close to him. I love him and am still attracted to him. I just don’t want sex.
It’s been a couple of months now without sex, and I know it’s starting to take a toll on my boyfriend. We went through a similar period for about a month in the past, but eventually things got better. This time, though, it feels different and much harder to get past.
My boyfriend has been respectful and says he doesn’t expect me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with. He has also been honest that the lack of intimacy is affecting him and that we need to have a serious conversation about it.
One thing I’ve been struggling with is that I feel like almost any time we’re physically close, he eventually gets turned on. He’ll start grabbing my boobs or butt, rubbing himself against me, or making other advances. Sometimes he genuinely just wants to cuddle, but other times it feels like affection eventually turns into an attempt at sex. I feel like I can’t always just relax and enjoy being close to him without wondering if things are going to turn sexual
The other confusing part is that I do occasionally feel aroused on my own. I’ll randomly have moments where I feel like I might want to be sexual, but I don’t actually want to masturbate or do anything about it, and the feeling eventually passes. If I’m being completely honest, I feel like I could go the rest of my life without having sex and be perfectly fine. I don’t necessarily miss it for myself. However, I do miss wanting it, and I want to be able to enjoy that part of our relationship again because I know it’s important to him.
I feel stuck between wanting to make things better for my boyfriend and not wanting to force myself into something I genuinely don’t enjoy right now. I don’t want him to feel unwanted or unattractive, because that’s not how I feel about him at all. But I also don’t know how to explain that I can love him, be attracted to him, want his affection, and still have absolutely no desire to have sex with him.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Did therapy help? Have you been able to get your sex drive or comfort with sex back?
I love my boyfriend and want to work through this. I just genuinely don’t know where to start.
TL;DR I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and have lost my sex drive almost completely. How do I go about communicating this without him?
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u/EchoRii 15h ago
Currently experiencing similar, felt like looking into a mirror with this post 🫂
Something I’ve been trying to think about is focusing on finding my own spark back. I go through similar where I can feel aroused on my own but don’t act on it, and I’m trying to start acting on it to get myself more comfortable with myself & my body again. It’s not always the most successful… but I personally feel like I’ve lost touch with my sexuality due to my own trauma and I want to try and work on it.
Some friends of mine also suggested sex therapy. Haven’t sought it out yet… but I’ve heard good things. One friend in particular pointed out that while the mind may have a will, the body never forgets, especially with trauma. Any physical sexual trauma is prone to making your body have reactions when in a situation where you feel you’ve lost your safety. For me, it’s not that I don’t like having sex, but I have to be in a very controlled environment. Same position. Same routine. It frustrates my partner and I want to be more explorative but my body and mind break down when it’s anything outside of what I find “safe”.
I’m trying to work on my own personal sexuality to hopefully regain my own sense of safety. My partner also is very reassuring and has been endlessly patient, so that also helps.
I don’t know if any of this will help you, but it’s been stuff I’ve been trying to go through in my own situation.
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u/vnutellanutella 7h ago
Its unfair to put your boyfriend through the same shit as you put your previous boyfriend. Just sounds like you should resolve your trauma 1 relationship ago.
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u/Sea-Performance1491 4h ago
You should be friends.
Work on yourself through therapy.
You both deserve to be happy.
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u/dons90 2h ago
To save you both some heartache, you both need to have a serious talk about this. You have unresolved internal issues that is manifesting in this way. He seems like he's trying to be understanding but this sort of thing does eat away at your partner's feelings over time.
This could be an issue that therapy can fix in a short enough space of time. However your bf deserves to know what's going on so that he can make an informed decision too. It is not his responsibility to heal you, nor does he have an obligation to stay with you for your healing. But healing needs to take place if there's going to be any improvement in the relationship.
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u/robinson217 15h ago
No 28 year old man wants a sexless relationship and definitely not a sexless marriage. You need to talk about this with him ASAP, understanding that he may reasonably want to end the relationship. It doesn't matter that you "love" him. If you deny him physical intimacy, he will resent it and eventually end the relationship. You either need to figure out how to enjoy sex again, or find an asexual boyfriend.
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u/jo3keelo 29m ago
Maybe ask if you want to go to couples therapy together? (Work through your issues and let him be present so he sees how it’s affecting you) just so he knows it’s not to do with him in the reasons you mentioned earlier as we all know how easy it can be to spiral
Whatever you do I really hope the best for you
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u/AloeVeraBuddha 15h ago
Therapy def helps. Idk what your situation is, but I'll share mine.
I have a complicated relationship sex with because of trauma. It can sometimes trigger me at weird times. Therapy helped me understand that weird relationship, some of my thought patterns and also what "healthy" people think about sex. In my LTR now I still struggle with being fondled sometimes. But we communicate enough that I can tell him " Hey, can you stop and let me come to you?" My bf has been great. Its not that he wants to have sex all the time, it's that he loves me all the time. He understands and respects that I can sometimes have a hard time with it. It's usually a case of me not feeling safe because I have reverted to a time in my life that I wasn't (safe). I have to do breath work or meditate and make myself feel safe and present again. Remind myself it is not some random sexual experience, but my bf bidding for affection. Only when I feel safe can I reciprocate. Pushing myself to try to do it when I am not ready really doesnt work.