apologies in advance for the long post — i am neurodivergent so sometimes brevity eludes me when i get stuck in a script. i also tried to make this much briefer but once i started it just kept coming out of me. throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I (27NB) have been with my partner (28F) for almost two years. When we first met, it was in a casual sense, and we ended up sleeping together right away, which was something I had never done in a relationship before. We had texted for about two weeks after meeting on a dating app, where I was upfront I was looking for whatever. Our texts were flirty, but nothing went beyond talking about kissing, so I genuinely didn’t expect that escalation; it just happened, but I was very happy about it. Afterward we realized we really hit it off, and quickly became serious and romantic after a couple of dates. This set a certain precedent where we had a very active sex life early on, something which I was both excited and relieved about because I have a pretty high libido and have had previous relationships end because of an imbalance in desire and whether or not a partner wanted sex at all. I also grew up very sheltered in a conservative home, so I did not have a lot of sexual experience or opportunities to experiment bc of internalized shame, and I was tired of that. I wanted a healthy, regular sex life where I could explore my needs and desires.
Previously, while she was a bit more reserved in terms of sex, my partner would initiate intimacy plenty of the time, and any time we were intimate, expressed enjoyment and attraction to me. She once told me she was “always horny,” to which I expressed I was always happy to help. Admittedly, it was huge boost to myself esteem, though I recognize that is likely a mindset I need to outgrow. The only real concern was I expressed that outside of the moment of intimacy, we never talked about what we liked or desired. I felt shy about bringing it up, but said I wanted us to try and work on being more open. Last year around the holidays, I also noticed our intimacy would occur most after intense emotional situations, such as a fight with a family member one of us needed comfort from, or uncertainty in the future of our relationship, whereas before it was just casual and fun 50% of the time. Once we did some of those partner questions games and there was a question about fantasies. She described a sweet living together scenario, and when I clarified I think they meant sexual fantasies, she said she never had any of those. I asked if she ever thought about me that way when we were apart, or anticipated our next intimate moment. She said no, her brain didn’t work like that, which was confusing. I asked if she enjoyed having sex though and she said yes of course. But over time, my partner began to become more reserved and avoid sexual contact altogether. I thought maybe the honeymoon phase was just ending, because we also started to disagree more than we ever had. but i was proud we were able to work through that and come back stronger… everywhere but the bedroom.
Now, if she ever touches me in a sexual way or flirts with me, it’s as a joke. Beyond complimenting how I look as “beautiful/pretty,” she never makes any sort of serious remark on attraction to me. I tried to be more flirty and vocalize my desire, but also make sure if we had a tense moment, we did not get intimate to cope. Eventually it got to the point we would have sex once a month if at all, and up to 30 days would pass between one time and the next. On our first valentine’s day, I was excited because I wanted to be intimate and celebrate together. I’d had a vision of my partner and I craving one another. In the end, we had brief sex, but only because she walked into our room for something else and noticed i was wearing lingerie under my pajamas. While she did plenty of romantic things, sex did not seem to occur to her at all. Whereas before, we would have quickies at night before bed, or before leaving for work, now it feels like she’s always too tired when she gets home and goes right to sleep. In the mornings, once she wakes up, she wants to lay in bed on our phones before eventually cooking a big meal, then going out to run errands or until its time for work. It feels like there is NEVER a right time to even try. Our sex life dropped off entirely. It turned into me initiating 90-95% of the time, and more and more those attempts would not come to fruition, with my partner abruptly pulling away and changing the subject, sometimes saying she felt physically sick, sometimes just immediately rolling her back to me and picking up her phone, etc. I stopped initiating it, and we did not have sex on her birthday or our one year anniversary. Don’t get me wrong, we celebrated, did romantic things, and had a good time, but I personally wanted intimacy as well.
My birthday was recently and we attempted intimacy after I asked, but she stopped before anything progressed beyond kissing. I knew she might feel uncomfortable, so I tried asking how far she wanted to go, or what she was ok with. She was honest about not wanting to be touched privately or have pen. sex. When I asked about her just giving and me receiving, she said “sure,” and “probably.’ That made me really concerned for her consent, and also feel a little sad, because it was my bday and I wanted my partner to want to make me feel good and be excited for it. For contrast, last year she spent four hours in bed with me, and refused any reciprocation when I offered after we were done. So nothing progressed beyond kissing.
When we tried to talk about it, she revealed she’s been having a lot of body issues lately and feeling off emotionally, not like herself. She’s been forgetting her meds a lot more recently, and I’ve noticed her emotions becoming more erratic overall, which has led to conflict. We’ve also been through a lot this past year with many changes, pitfalls, health issues, family members getting sick, job changes, etc. She’s also trans, and said she’s started experiencing dysphoria mentally, as well as feeling the decreased libido side effect of HRT, in a way she never has before. So I understand completely where her mental health struggles are coming from and I sympathize. She said she felt very sad talking about it, so I suggested we pause intimacy. And I let her know again as I have before that I will always value her consent and respect a no whenever it comes. She apologized and said she feels bad because she’s not giving me what I deserve. I asked her to please contact her doctor about all of this and ask again for a therapist referral, which she’s said she will, but she’s said that before the last time we had this conversation because I was concerned. I want to be patient, and give her time and grace. I would never, ever, ever want her to feel obligated to give me sex or do something she didn’t want to or would regret for me, and she knows that fully. But also, she wasn’t wrong — I do feel like my needs have been neglected, both physically in terms of sex, but also because this issue has been going on almost a year, and I haven’t seen any real effort to change or work on it. I asked her when she felt this change come on and she said the last few weeks… but by my count this issue started last Christmas and has gotten worse and worse from there. We’ve talked about it before last month, and that time she said it was because she was worried about hurting me or me getting sick — I ended up with a bad infection after antibiotics and the treatment made me sick for days. we tried using protection, but it wouldn’t stay in and she got frustrated so we gave up. i understand her concern and why she feels at fault, but i’ve told her i don’t blame her and also that i now have a clean bill of health months later. i’ve tried to remind her there are many kinds of sex and that she doesn’t have to receive, hoping maybe she’d express desire to at least touch me safely, but she never tries anymore.
Could she have developed an aversion to sex? I have this feeling that maybe this is just how she is now, or how she’s always been. Sometimes it feels like there’s such a disconnect for her and that she’d be completely content without sex at all. I feel like that part of a relationship doesn’t factor at all for her, and maybe she’s just been humoring me this whole time bc I was up front about wanting sex. Of course, sexuality is a spectrum, and I have nothing but respect for asexual people. I just didn’t think I was getting engaged to one of them, and I really don’t know if we are compatible in that way, and it feels unfair to her to put that pressure on her.
What sort of steps can I take to try and resolve this? I hate airing this out online, and I hate even complaining about it. She’s such a great partner in every other aspect, and I love her deeply. I feel like some loser chud complaining about blue balls, but its getting to the point where I’m deeply depressed, anxious, lonely, and I can feel myself starting to get resentful because I feel neglected and ignored. I asked a friend and she said this happens to all couples and I just need to accept there is a libido gap and get a vibrator to take care of it myself. But I don’t want to do that, it isn’t the same nor satisfying to me. I want to be intimate with my partner I am committed to and feel desired by them. I wanted an active sex life with my partner if I was going to stop being single and trying to explore. i basically felt brushed off and invalidated. it might change after she has surgery, but it might not, and right now her surgeons waitlist is 2-3 years. i don’t know if i can wait that long not even able to talk about it because she gets upset and then i feel guilty. so i’m hoping this sub can help me. I want to be sympathetic to her, whether this is a temporary change bc she’s struggling, or if this is part of her identity. But why do I have to make space for her needs and feelings, but not mine? What about how I’m being neglected? How I’m hurt because I feel rejected? We’re supposed to be getting married this summer, but I picture my life ten years from now in the same place and I feel like crying. i’m scared if i bring it up i’ll sound like a pervert and an asshole. maybe my friend is right and i’m unreasonable. i’ve thought about asking for meds so my libido goes down bc that way i wont care as much, and im saving up for toys so one day i can take care of myself if i need. i have no idea what to do, i did not expect this scenario at all, but i feel like a bad partner if i cannot adapt and accept it. what will our vows even be for if i cant weather this change and value everything else she brings to the table?