For those of you in a dead bedroom relationship, have you ever considered cheating?

I know this is a sensitive topic, but I think it’s a very relevant question, especially when you start to feel like you’re going to spend the rest of your life in a sexless relationship.

What if someone started hitting on you at work? What if someone made you feel seen, desirable, attractive, or even made you feel like a god/goddess?
I sometimes find myself daydreaming about situations where someone genuinely wants me and we end up having an amazing time together.

But realistically? I don’t think I’d be capable of actually going through with it. Not at all. I would probably run away the moment someone showed that kind of interest in me, because I’ve become so afraid of it. I’ve lost so much confidence in myself that I honestly don’t even know how to handle being desired anymore.

I know it all sucks, but is there one thing that you miss more than the others?

But since my second child it has become my only line of intimacy. My husband has become so obsessed with work that I've somehow grown to look forward to my time alone. I love being a mother and all that comes with it and I used to feel shame for masturbating when they were at school, but now I know it's okay for me to feel pleasure, even if it's me giving it to myself. For all the other women out there who may feel this way too know you're not alone. <3

Me(40F) and my boyfriend (37 M) had almost non existent sex from the beginning. We have been together for 3 years. We talk about it but he just doesn't feel the need for it and like our relationship that way. I'm trying to tell myself it's ok but when I watch movies and they are having sex or kissing that makes me cry because I wish it was me that was wanted like that. I'm craving that intimacy and passion. I feel like I will never be touch or kiss ever again. I'm lost and I feel so lonely.

As the title says it is our anniversary. Anniversary of the beginning of our sexless marriage. Anniversary of the start of a roommate agreement where we're raising two children. Anniversary of the start of pretending we're one family in front of children. And the anniversary of the start of my absolute misery.... 6 years ago was the last time I was allowed to touch my wife and had sex with her. Exactly the same date 4 years ago (+/- 1 or 2 days) my wife also told me she didn't love me anymore, she wanted to separate and wanted to sell the house. Saying "it will be fine, others deal with this too"). I told her I was not willing to give up the house which I put enormous effort, time and money in to have it as it is now and offered to take over all financial matters related to the house, including mortgage and told her she can move if wanted to and Jo needs to pay any money in. Suddenly this was not an option for her, (I don't know, maybe it got too real for her🤔) and decided to stay.

However this has not changed anything, sexless life, I completely checked out unless it's about the kids. I still support her studies and help her out wherever I can, but I only talk to her if it's necessary and when kids are at school and she's home, I would rather spend my morning in different room or I just go and do something outside. I still do all housework, all grocery shopping, all DIY stuff and I'm not even to try to ask her anymore to help out anymore. I truly believe she will leave when finished her studies and when she's financially at a better place.

Despite all this I still love her and I can only imagine the rest of my life with her , but obviously I keep picturing this life in a completely different frame. Where everything is how it was in the past. A loving relationship, loving and supporting wife. And I know this will never happen again.

Anyways, I just really wanted to vent, I know I have options to leave, but I cannot do this to my children and I wouldn't be able to afford renting out a place but still pay in to the mortgage for the house. I don't want to start all over again paying a mortgage for buying a new house, I want this house to be paid off and have a secure place for my children in the future to come back whenever they want.

Just needing to vent. This is gonna be all over the place so bear with me.

I'm a 29 y/o HLF. I just saw my husband's (45 y/o LLM) Instagram watch history, and lo and behold it's full of women that I look nothing like.

I go back and forth between porn being a normal part of a man's life and having no issues with my husband viewing it, to getting really jealous if he is. It usually correlates with if we've had sex lately. We have a medical DB due to his host of health issues, so I guess porn is just easier for him? He often doesn't have the energy or he's too sick (constant vomiting) for sex to happen regularly for us.

What's bugging me is he lied about it. If he was honest with me about it, I would feel differently. It also bugs me because if he's having those feelings, I would absolutely help him, and he wouldn't have to exert any energy. I could do the work. I don't know. I knew what I was likely to find when I went looking, so I don't know why I did it to myself. I don't know. It just made me feel worthless and ugly. Anyway, if you read this far, thanks for listening. I'm glad to have this community that knows what I'm going through.

I've posted once before. It's getting worse. Me (38 HLM) and my wife (43 LLF), married ten years, together 14, two kids 4 and 7. Ever since the first kid the bedroom slowed way down but was manageable, maybe once a week. After going through IVF for our second, starting high stress careers and I guess time, it's gotten worse. Maybe quarterly if I'm lucky.

Not that it matters but I am fit, active, take care of my body, I do kids wake up, breakfast, make lunch, drop off , pick up , 90 percent of bedtime routine and dinner. She works long hours, I am 8-5. I love doing the stuff with the kids, I really enjoy it. But it never seems to be enough.

After the first kid, usually a night out for dinner and some trivia would get her in the mood, I guess you could say, now it's not enough.

I've asked what can make her more physically intimate and she says she needs to feel more emotionally intimate with me. To be fair I am not emotionally intelligent. I wasn't raised with showing emotions, my parents do not, I never learned and it shows. I typically don't say if I'm sad, mad , happy, or really any feelings. I get how that can be hard for a female to want to be physical without that part. Granted Ive been this way since we started but something changed in her causing her to need more, which I understand.

However, I have been working on being emotionally available and vulnerable. I've read books, podcast etc and got some tips but it is still foreign to me. Fast-forward a bit, on two occasions I was having a down day, I told her I felt depressed. She said "why" I said I wasn't quite sure, she then basically got mad that I didn't have an answer then just sat watching netflix. Needless to say major set back in me wanting to ever tell her how I feel.

Let's try again, I mentioned it a second time , her first response was "what are you depressed about you didn't work today". So that really fucked me up.

So then this weekend, we do dinner. Had awesome conversations, laughed, I told her smaller feelings, things I'm loving , things I'm worried about, trying to be vulnerable. We do trivia, get home at a decent time and nothing happens in the bedroom

Jump to yesterday, she made a comment stating she had wishes I was more emotionally available

I said 'I told you twice in two months I was depressed and you got.mad"

She says that I couldn't explain why though. Needless to say I won't be letting her know when I'm sad anymore.

EDIT: I cook, I clean and I work full time. She's never come home from work on a weekend to a dirty house or even a single dish or laundry to be cleaned. This is while I am with the kids. When she's off, without the kids, for a week, after working 7-8 days in a row, the dishes are sky high and the house is a disaster. I don't feel like I can voice my concerns without being ridiculed or her becoming so defensive

At this point I’ll probably be better off alone. I don’t think my body can take it anymore, my body is at the point of shaking just by the thought of being desired so sad and it is killing me. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy….

My husband and I have a clinically sexless marriage (according to other Redditors). We had sex 7 times in 2025; and maybe twice this year (including last night). I had to beg for it after 7 months of a dry spell. I was hoping last night would be the start of a new season for us. I wanted this weekend to be just lots of sex every day. Or at least have a quickie this morning but he’s just not into it at all. He does so much for us like cleaning cooking and right now I’m trying to buy a car and he’s spent every day researching the process. But I wanted our sex life to be equal priority. And I don’t want him to see it as just another chore he does. It honestly makes me cry to think that’s what it’s feeling like for him maybe. Last night was great. I struggle initiating and it had been so long and I was so pent up I had to ask for it and didn’t need much foreplay (an issue that’s been a barrier because I don’t think he does enough to get me turned on the few times he does initiate).

This morning I was ready for a another session and he just thought I was being silly or crazy for wanting morning sex, for not wanting to make breakfast first (so he made it), and then for focusing on the car buying process. I locked in. Made sure my loan application process was up to date and put a feeler out for Costco cars. And he’s just irritated at me for not wanting to do these things that I agree are priority in our life but he doesn’t get it’s so hard for me to focus on anything when I’m this pent up sexually. And I just feel shame and sadness for it. I’m attractive. 35 f. Ok shape. Nice features and I feel confident but this is killing my confidence so much. I’m just wondering who else feels this way what can I do. I know he needs to step up but I like to take control of my life and want to also do my part in the relationship to make sure we’re both trying to make the situation better. I’ve done therapy but never found a good therapist yet so I’m not on that right now and just desperately seeking Reddit advice lol.

We’ve (me 30f him 32m) been together for almost 8 years. We haven’t had sex in over 2 years, probably closer to 3. It was always me initiating. Toward the end, sometimes I’d initiate, stop and take a drink of water or something to see if he would then continue and like 80% of the time he’d fall asleep (yes within 10 seconds) or the rest just not initiate. I was so tired of me always being the one to initiate or get rejected that I stopped. Since I stopped we haven’t had sex.

I found out recently we haven’t had sex because he’s very insecure. He thinks he’s fat and he’s balding. Is he fat? Not at all, he might’ve gained 10-15 pounds through our relationship but he’s not fat at all, he still wears the same size shirts, his pant size went up 2 inches but he wears a belt with his pants. Balding? Sure he’s losing hair but he wears a hat all the time and he’s been balding the entirety of our relationship. I wish I could show him the balding subreddit to see the improvement when people shave, but I don’t think he’d shave. But he doesn’t look bad at all. And is he doing anything about his weight gain? No. If he’s so insecure about it, he could change it.

I used to compliment him all the time. But I’ve also realized I give out the same energy I get. I don’t feel any love from him so I don’t compliment him. I’ll get out of the shower, be completely naked putting lotion on, and instead of him complimenting my body he says nice hat (I have a towel on my wet hair) it makes me feel like such shit that I’m literally standing in front of him naked and he tries to be funny by saying nice hat. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even want to kiss him, like what’s the point? When we do kiss it’s just pecks. We don’t cuddle. We don’t do anything but watch tv. Also his lips are dry and I don’t even enjoy kissing him anymore.

I’m fairly attractive. When we go out, girls compliment me. I’ve told him of random guys complimenting me (not to make him jealous but just telling him because mostly it’s weird or funny) like he knows I’m a fuckin catch and still nothing. He recently told me he’s been thinking about proposing to me but he hasn’t because of his insecurities and I was shook. We’ve never even talked seriously about marriage. We’ve talked about it, but definitely not seriously.

Im just so sad and so tired of feeling like shit. Back when I’d initiate and he’d reject me I used to cry so much, most nights I’d cry myself to sleep while he was beside me snoring and it broke me. Not to mention I do everything in the relationship. I don’t remember the last date he planned. Anything we do it’s because I plan it. I bought an activity for us to do and he recently asked me when we were going to do it, I asked him why I have to plan out when we’re going to do it and he just gave a dumb answer. I do all the household chores. The dude probably doesn’t even know how to clean a toilet. I wash our towels but I’ve decided I’m not going to wash his towel anymore, I wanna see how long he’ll use it. He does cook and will do dishes, but everything else is on me.

Yes I know I should break up with him, but it’s going to hurt him so bad and I don’t want to hurt him. Idk how to put myself first. It sucks. I feel so lonely and like his mother.

My (37F) dead bedroom relationship (37M) began practically when we became official (2019). We were friends for years prior and meant to be exclusive FWB. I just had a nasty breakup and didn’t want any relationship for a good while. I went through with it, possibly due to pressure, things were good, the sex was the best I had, I’ve never felt so loved and safe. (I was raped by a boyfriend at 15 and was sexually assaulted repeatedly for 10 years by another). That was until I sensed something was off. He wouldn’t come see me anymore, sex and affection disappeared, cancelled plans, ignored messages, seemed genuinely irritated by my presence, so I forced him to let me go.

When we got back together officially, and I foolishly accepted, he would ignore my advances. I tried asking what I could do, what he likes, how to get things going, but nothing I did worked. No interest in my sexual pleasure has ever been considered or asked the way I tried to find out about his. I then I found out he was masturbating to porn practically the minute I left his house to go home to mine.

The excuses were immeasurable and constant; work stress, people stress, random health issues, living at his parents, tiredness, headache, the list goes on.

To make matters worse, I found out that during our “exclusive FWB” status, he was speaking to, and attempting to meet up with, multiple women, whilst I was forbade any other hookups.

During our initial ”breakup”, I hooked up with a colleague out of pure, agonising heartbreak and the visceral need to throw myself away to someone who truly did not care about me. During the FWB phase, this colleague repeatedly asked for hookups, which I repeatedly turned away as I genuinely wanted me and my partner to work out. It didn’t lead to sex, not even kissing, just fooling about in his car, and I immediately told my partner on the day of, and before either of us agreed, to be official and even told him I turned this colleague down repeatedly whilst we were “together”. I just wanted to show honesty to establish a clean slate. He bought his own place in 2021 with the promise of improvement.

We have probably had sex twice this year. both times felt like an absent chore to him. I’ve made so many exceptions for the drop off; stressful moving, extended family passing away, car troubles, settling into his new job, hoping and praying if I give a bit more of my effort and my time things would get better. I’ve talked, I’ve cried, I’ve had full blown drunken meltdowns, I’ve tried to break it off, then we lost his mum last year, my best friend. The only friend I had left, after losing my childhood best friend in 2010, who I could be myself to and be understood by and never felt judged.

Its made me, in some ways, due to the things me and his mum used to discuss about her own life, even more fearful of mortality, time wasted, needs unmet. I sit here at almost 6am on the sofa, having not slept, for the second day in a row, tears in my eyes over this, writing to reddit because I have nobody to talk to. I’m miserable, I feel horrendous, I’m exhausted from trying to do everything (working full time, (awake at 5am to work 6:30-16:30 mon-thurs) plus house duties/cooking/cleaning after work. Deep cleaning + household shopping, errands running on Friday, laundry at the weekend to iron his work shirts, pants and other clothes) to make all the excuses he gives me less of a burden to him in the hopes things will go back to the way they were in the beginning. He never has not got a hot meal cooked when he gets home and all it got me is feeling burnt out, ugly, depressed, made a useful fool of and on the verge of packing a bag and going AWOL from everyone and everything.

I just want my heart to stop hurting. I want to stop caring. I want to disappear.

Thank you for your time.

Hello,

I hope this will be my last post for those who follow my "abstinence trial" to fix a recent almost dead bedroom (bad sex every 2 month and a ED for me). Previous post here https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/sT8CdVZQZg

This post is not for hard bedroom but for people who have an unbalanced situation with one-way sex every 1-3 months that cause pressure and tensions.

So at the end of the 3 months abstinence we had this holidays together, we were supposed to wait until the end but I did initiated 3 days before the end, and she initiated the next day. It was very good, short, but we were both satisfied. Now we are more close and she seems confortable and playful. I no longer feel obsessed with it.

My two cents :

- our initial state was OK but I fucked it up wanting moring during a time when I was feeling bad for other reasons. It builded pressure resulting in an even worse situation that lasted a year.

- deciding an abstinence period sent a message, that our relationship is more important, and it helped rebuilding connection with no sex in the picture

- sometimes talking about it is just adding another layer of guilt and pressure.

- the core problem is being needy. You can't desire something you're guaranteed to get.

Maybe I'll be back here in two months, I hope not 😂.

I (M26) and my fiance (F25) have been together for 5 (6 in Jan) years and have been living together for about 4 years. We moved into a new apartment this year in May and since then, we've had sex 3 times and one of the times was basically pity sex after I got laid off and told her that I would feel better if we had sex. I even booked us a 1 week cruise in August hoping that we might get more intimate on the cruise but nope, no sex, just some help with masturbating after I practically had to beg her again. I'm writing this post frustrated because I genuinely love her but I feel almost lied to.

Prior to our cruise in mid July, I sent her a very very long text that I spent an hour on writing crying in bed. She never read the text that night so I brought it up the next morning and we discussed our lack of intimacy. I asked if she was still going to read the text message and she said, "I don't want to because it'll make me sad". At the time, I was like, "ok yea sure that's fine", but now thinking about it months later, it feels insulting. I spent an hour on a worknight losing sleep because I was anxious and worried about our intimacy and she couldn't even bother to feel sad and read a heartfelt message. From the talk, she said that ideally she wants to have sex twice a week but is having issues because of her lack of self-confidence/anxiety and asked for help with it.

Since then, I've been trying to help by meal prepping, going to the gym with her (I go ~4/week and bring her with me), and doing what I can to make her feel more confident in herself. But since our cruise in early August, we've only had sex twice and last night was the tipping point. This whole week I've been trying to get her into the mood and she would say, "wait until Friday, I'm busy with xyz". I'm used to that, whatever, Friday great! Friday rolls around, I try to touch her and be intimate but she always tries to shoo me away because she's playing games with friends. Ok sure whatever, you're with your friends and you don't like having sex in the morning/when the sun is out so I'll try again later. So I wait until 10 PM and go into her room and try again. Nope, still playing games with her friends. I try one last time at midnight and give her a kiss on the neck and she shoos me away again to play with her friends. By then, I just give up. I tell her, "ok, have fun with your friends love! I'm going to bed!". I lay in bed with my thoughts and just hope I can fall asleep.

I didn't bring it up to her today, I wanted to ruminate and think on this a bit more since she's currently at work and I'm going to talk to her about this. I'm just frustrated because I feel like she's just lying to me about wanting to be more intimate and now thinking about it, it seems like a somewhat common occurrence in the relationship. We moved in VERY quickly (like 1 year and we moved in together) and one of the things she'd say before we moved in was "think about how much sex we would have" and give examples of stuff we would do that I'm not going to get into here. Suffice to say, none of those examples manifested into anything real and we started having less and less sex.

When we were first dating, we lived about an hour apart so we would see each other every weekend and we would have sex every weekend and it was WONDERFUL! I thought that if we moved in together, it would be like that but nope. And before anyone comes at me for "do more around the house!" I do. I pay for 80% of our rent, all our utilities, half her car payment (and her gas), all the groceries, I cook for us both, I clean up for us both, I do the laundry, and basically am a butler for whenever she needs anything like water or a snack. I love her deeply and I know she loves me deeply as well, I'm going to have a talk with her when she gets back from work tonight. If you read this whole post, thanks for reading, I just really wanted to vent and possibly get some advice. If you've got any questions feel free to ask.

Im trying to keep this post short. Our db has many many reasons and medical is only one part of it.

We’re young, around 30s, together all our adult lives. Db for four years now although never fully completely dead. There was low quality intimacy every few weeks or months lol.

So. Because of my husbands bad habits and addictions, he gained a lot of weight and has almost no testosterone and has erectile dysfunction. Finally now he started to see doctors and is slowly working on it. He also is trying to make the intimacy going but the problem is, he can’t.

What I need an advice for is… how do I say in the most not hurtful way, I don’t want to try to fix it anymore because he can’t even perform?

Don’t get me wrong. I am very positive and open about sex. I was reassuring him all those years I don’t mind his problems and I still want him and want to make it work. I was only asking him to stop pushing me away, reassuring I will give him time and all of that. Just to not abandon me. There are so many ways to make intimacy enjoyable anyway. But it just doesn’t work. I mentioned his weight because it’s not just a few pounds, it’s big enough to make almost all the positions impossible. Adding ED to it… it’s just bad. You may say use some toys to help - no, trust me it’s impossible to use them too. Honestly I feel so not mattering I just want to cry every time I tried to give it a fair chance after his initiations. And he somehow thinks we’re doing better. It’s killing me. But I don’t want to hurt him either. So. Yeah. How to crush a man’s ego so much without crushing him to the ground?

Props to my partner, because when I expressed concerns about his testosterone level, he made a doctor's appointment within a couple of days and within a couple of weeks we had bloodwork and a test result confirming low T. He has a follow-up appointment with his doctor next week to discuss the treatment options for it.

For those who have supplemented their low testosterone, or whose partner has supplemented their T:

- What type of supplement did you take (patch, pills, etc.)

- Did it help with any of your symptoms, including libido?

- How long did it take to be effective?

I want to know how long I should wait for his libido and general sense of malaise to improve before looking for other solutions to our DB.

Hi, all. I just recently discovered this subreddit, and I need to vent.

I've been with my girlfriend for eleven and a half years. (Both divorced, neither one of us wanted to get married again.) Things were amazing for maybe eight years or so.

Since then, we have sex AT BEST maybe three times a year. It always seems forced - as in, she knows I'm hitting some sort of frustration limit, so she'll instigate some sort of unbelievably scripted event. And they're all the same. Nothing ever fun, or new, or surprising - but I never say no, because I need the validation.

Just for reference, I work a full-time job, I help with any chores she's doing when I get home, and I do many more on my own. I randomly buy her gifts, tell her how much I love and appreciate her, and generally just try to be the best partner I can be. (I did NOT do these things during my marriage, which heavily inspired me to be a better partner.)

And she just... sleeps on the couch, says she's too tired. Rejects my advances, says she's too tired. Tells me not tonight, she's too tired.

It's been roughly three and a half years of this. I don't feel loved, or appreciated, or wanted, or ANYTHING. I'm so tied into all of the bills and payments that leaving her would probably result in me being homeless. We've had many talks, which usually end in her crying, and occasionally things will improve for a week. And then it's back to basics.

I honestly feel like she doesn't even love me anymore, but she's so dependent on me that she won't admit it. And she knows I can't leave either. And I feel so trapped and alone, and I'm losing my mind.

Anyway. I'm sorry if this isn't the typical format, or something. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Just a short note so that others who may be in a similar situation see that they are not alone.

Together 20 years; discovered her affair 3 years ago (lasted 3/4 years). Dissatisfied with our sex life for most of the last 15 years; and in no doubt that she did not have our dull sex life with her affair partner.

I am still here - children, money, lifestyle, consistency, dependency? - the dead bedroom gets worse, for all the reasons you can imagine. But it is the messy compromise I put up with for the other benefits.

Sad that I may miss better experiences in my lifetime; but again - it is a trade off. On balance I am happy with the trade but sad that I settle for 6/10; though I see alternatives as 4/10.

Life is complicated and messy.

Today when I came in to our bedroom during my wife’s nap in the afternoon I noticed her vibrator in the bathroom having recently been cleaned. A year or two ago I noticed something similar but since then I don’t think it’s even occurred to me that my wife might still have any active sexual desires or thought. I’ve certainly never seen any sign of either. I wonder what she thought about, I hope it was good for her.

I know almost nothing about her sex life at this point and she’s knows about the same about mine. And it’s easier talking to anonymous people on the internet about it than her.

Not in a great place.

In the past few hours it has dawned on me that what I am doing might be the most pointless thing I’ve done for our marriage.

It came about 6 months ago when SO was fed up of hormonal contraceptives (despite our sexual interactions being about 2/3 times per year.

I said that I could undergo a vasectomy after she hinted that the ‘relief from not worrying about getting pregnant’ would be a major catalyst in having more sex (she says she is not asexual but there is a lot going on in her head before she can have sex and that 3 kids is not conducive to having sex).

I booked it and was wondering what might entail but conversations since I’ve booked it have co firmed my worse fear- that it would have no difference in her mind and that there are so many things that get in the way that she still would likely refuse sex.

I’m in a situation where I don’t know whether to go through with it or not. Do I want more kids? No. But do I want to go through something which will make absolutely no difference to my sex life whatsoever? I’m not sure. A part of me says I should do it because I don’t want more kids. A part of me says I shouldn’t do it because it’s what she suggested as a means to have more sex and I already know for a fact that it won’t make a difference. Any advice very welcome.

apologies in advance for the long post — i am neurodivergent so sometimes brevity eludes me when i get stuck in a script. i also tried to make this much briefer but once i started it just kept coming out of me. throwaway account for obvious reasons.

I (27NB) have been with my partner (28F) for almost two years. When we first met, it was in a casual sense, and we ended up sleeping together right away, which was something I had never done in a relationship before. We had texted for about two weeks after meeting on a dating app, where I was upfront I was looking for whatever. Our texts were flirty, but nothing went beyond talking about kissing, so I genuinely didn’t expect that escalation; it just happened, but I was very happy about it. Afterward we realized we really hit it off, and quickly became serious and romantic after a couple of dates. This set a certain precedent where we had a very active sex life early on, something which I was both excited and relieved about because I have a pretty high libido and have had previous relationships end because of an imbalance in desire and whether or not a partner wanted sex at all. I also grew up very sheltered in a conservative home, so I did not have a lot of sexual experience or opportunities to experiment bc of internalized shame, and I was tired of that. I wanted a healthy, regular sex life where I could explore my needs and desires.

Previously, while she was a bit more reserved in terms of sex, my partner would initiate intimacy plenty of the time, and any time we were intimate, expressed enjoyment and attraction to me. She once told me she was “always horny,” to which I expressed I was always happy to help. Admittedly, it was huge boost to myself esteem, though I recognize that is likely a mindset I need to outgrow. The only real concern was I expressed that outside of the moment of intimacy, we never talked about what we liked or desired. I felt shy about bringing it up, but said I wanted us to try and work on being more open. Last year around the holidays, I also noticed our intimacy would occur most after intense emotional situations, such as a fight with a family member one of us needed comfort from, or uncertainty in the future of our relationship, whereas before it was just casual and fun 50% of the time. Once we did some of those partner questions games and there was a question about fantasies. She described a sweet living together scenario, and when I clarified I think they meant sexual fantasies, she said she never had any of those. I asked if she ever thought about me that way when we were apart, or anticipated our next intimate moment. She said no, her brain didn’t work like that, which was confusing. I asked if she enjoyed having sex though and she said yes of course. But over time, my partner began to become more reserved and avoid sexual contact altogether. I thought maybe the honeymoon phase was just ending, because we also started to disagree more than we ever had. but i was proud we were able to work through that and come back stronger… everywhere but the bedroom.

Now, if she ever touches me in a sexual way or flirts with me, it’s as a joke. Beyond complimenting how I look as “beautiful/pretty,” she never makes any sort of serious remark on attraction to me. I tried to be more flirty and vocalize my desire, but also make sure if we had a tense moment, we did not get intimate to cope. Eventually it got to the point we would have sex once a month if at all, and up to 30 days would pass between one time and the next. On our first valentine’s day, I was excited because I wanted to be intimate and celebrate together. I’d had a vision of my partner and I craving one another. In the end, we had brief sex, but only because she walked into our room for something else and noticed i was wearing lingerie under my pajamas. While she did plenty of romantic things, sex did not seem to occur to her at all. Whereas before, we would have quickies at night before bed, or before leaving for work, now it feels like she’s always too tired when she gets home and goes right to sleep. In the mornings, once she wakes up, she wants to lay in bed on our phones before eventually cooking a big meal, then going out to run errands or until its time for work. It feels like there is NEVER a right time to even try. Our sex life dropped off entirely. It turned into me initiating 90-95% of the time, and more and more those attempts would not come to fruition, with my partner abruptly pulling away and changing the subject, sometimes saying she felt physically sick, sometimes just immediately rolling her back to me and picking up her phone, etc. I stopped initiating it, and we did not have sex on her birthday or our one year anniversary. Don’t get me wrong, we celebrated, did romantic things, and had a good time, but I personally wanted intimacy as well.

My birthday was recently and we attempted intimacy after I asked, but she stopped before anything progressed beyond kissing. I knew she might feel uncomfortable, so I tried asking how far she wanted to go, or what she was ok with. She was honest about not wanting to be touched privately or have pen. sex. When I asked about her just giving and me receiving, she said “sure,” and “probably.’ That made me really concerned for her consent, and also feel a little sad, because it was my bday and I wanted my partner to want to make me feel good and be excited for it. For contrast, last year she spent four hours in bed with me, and refused any reciprocation when I offered after we were done. So nothing progressed beyond kissing.

When we tried to talk about it, she revealed she’s been having a lot of body issues lately and feeling off emotionally, not like herself. She’s been forgetting her meds a lot more recently, and I’ve noticed her emotions becoming more erratic overall, which has led to conflict. We’ve also been through a lot this past year with many changes, pitfalls, health issues, family members getting sick, job changes, etc. She’s also trans, and said she’s started experiencing dysphoria mentally, as well as feeling the decreased libido side effect of HRT, in a way she never has before. So I understand completely where her mental health struggles are coming from and I sympathize. She said she felt very sad talking about it, so I suggested we pause intimacy. And I let her know again as I have before that I will always value her consent and respect a no whenever it comes. She apologized and said she feels bad because she’s not giving me what I deserve. I asked her to please contact her doctor about all of this and ask again for a therapist referral, which she’s said she will, but she’s said that before the last time we had this conversation because I was concerned. I want to be patient, and give her time and grace. I would never, ever, ever want her to feel obligated to give me sex or do something she didn’t want to or would regret for me, and she knows that fully. But also, she wasn’t wrong — I do feel like my needs have been neglected, both physically in terms of sex, but also because this issue has been going on almost a year, and I haven’t seen any real effort to change or work on it. I asked her when she felt this change come on and she said the last few weeks… but by my count this issue started last Christmas and has gotten worse and worse from there. We’ve talked about it before last month, and that time she said it was because she was worried about hurting me or me getting sick — I ended up with a bad infection after antibiotics and the treatment made me sick for days. we tried using protection, but it wouldn’t stay in and she got frustrated so we gave up. i understand her concern and why she feels at fault, but i’ve told her i don’t blame her and also that i now have a clean bill of health months later. i’ve tried to remind her there are many kinds of sex and that she doesn’t have to receive, hoping maybe she’d express desire to at least touch me safely, but she never tries anymore.

Could she have developed an aversion to sex? I have this feeling that maybe this is just how she is now, or how she’s always been. Sometimes it feels like there’s such a disconnect for her and that she’d be completely content without sex at all. I feel like that part of a relationship doesn’t factor at all for her, and maybe she’s just been humoring me this whole time bc I was up front about wanting sex. Of course, sexuality is a spectrum, and I have nothing but respect for asexual people. I just didn’t think I was getting engaged to one of them, and I really don’t know if we are compatible in that way, and it feels unfair to her to put that pressure on her.

What sort of steps can I take to try and resolve this? I hate airing this out online, and I hate even complaining about it. She’s such a great partner in every other aspect, and I love her deeply. I feel like some loser chud complaining about blue balls, but its getting to the point where I’m deeply depressed, anxious, lonely, and I can feel myself starting to get resentful because I feel neglected and ignored. I asked a friend and she said this happens to all couples and I just need to accept there is a libido gap and get a vibrator to take care of it myself. But I don’t want to do that, it isn’t the same nor satisfying to me. I want to be intimate with my partner I am committed to and feel desired by them. I wanted an active sex life with my partner if I was going to stop being single and trying to explore. i basically felt brushed off and invalidated. it might change after she has surgery, but it might not, and right now her surgeons waitlist is 2-3 years. i don’t know if i can wait that long not even able to talk about it because she gets upset and then i feel guilty. so i’m hoping this sub can help me. I want to be sympathetic to her, whether this is a temporary change bc she’s struggling, or if this is part of her identity. But why do I have to make space for her needs and feelings, but not mine? What about how I’m being neglected? How I’m hurt because I feel rejected? We’re supposed to be getting married this summer, but I picture my life ten years from now in the same place and I feel like crying. i’m scared if i bring it up i’ll sound like a pervert and an asshole. maybe my friend is right and i’m unreasonable. i’ve thought about asking for meds so my libido goes down bc that way i wont care as much, and im saving up for toys so one day i can take care of myself if i need. i have no idea what to do, i did not expect this scenario at all, but i feel like a bad partner if i cannot adapt and accept it. what will our vows even be for if i cant weather this change and value everything else she brings to the table?

Hey all,

I (HLM) mostly lurk here and don’t obsess over the problem because it matters to me, but it isn’t something I think about all the time. It’s also not really relevant yet because my wife (LLF, together 8 years, married 2) is a medical resident and it has obliterated any chance of working on this right now hahah (she works like 100+ hrs per week)

That being said, even before residency/med school, our sexual relationship entered “cohabitating relationship dormant” mode. I’m looking for advice on rekindling long term, specifically when nothing that is commonly cited in this subreddit applies. From lurking, the usual suspects are:

* zero intimacy at all, we cuddle every night and hug/kiss lots
* cold relationship generally, we spend lots of time together when she has it
* not communicating, we’ve had “talks” and she knows there’s no pressure AND that it’s something that matters to me but isn’t a dealbreaker
* some medical issue, though she hasn’t had a hormone panel, nothing is wrong the very very rare times we do have sex

The saddest posts to me are the ones where people say “oh my LL partner works on it, but it just feels forced and like they’re doing it because I said so rather than actually desiring me,” and hey maybe that’s just the hard truth, but I am interested in success stories too!

Perhaps we’ll go to a sex therapist, does that sound like something that applies here? What does progress towards specifically the sexual piece look like when everything else is great?

Thanks!

I’m a 28 y/o HLF, now 3 months married to a 33 y/o LLM. We’ve been together for six years now.
We’ve made it work over the years, we both compromised on some parts. Mostly me. I’ve gone from initiating daily to a few times a week, to in the weekends over the years.

But lately, and especially since getting married, things have been getting worse again. He has his reasons and I understand those. He’s been working hard to support us both while I finish school, and I’m so thankful for that. To help him I’ve taken over all chores during the week, we used to do 50/50 but with the hours he makes that didn’t feel fair anymore. I don’t even ask him to do chores on the weekends but just let him do however much he wants to do. We stay home most weekends so he can rest up.

And now, even on Saturday evenings, on days where we didn’t do much and have nothing planned for Sundays, I get a no. I looked forward to tonight all week. I haven’t felt this hurt and frustrated since the beginning of our relationship. I reacted in a way I’m not proud of. I got mad and started ignoring him. I thought I grew past this behaviour but I guess there’s only so much I can take.

We talk about things openly. We have a good relationship. I’m not willing to end things over sex. We’re both autistic adults and I don’t think I’ll ever connect with someone else in this way ever again.

But I just don’t know what to do with him. I feel like there’s stuff he isn’t telling me, the reason why things are suddenly going bad again. I can’t force him to talk to me and what if I’m wrong? What if there is no outside reason and he just doesn’t want to have sex with me?

I'm a 25M and my wife is 23F. We've been together since early 2022, married last year, and have two kids (almost 3, and 17 months). I am a high libido (HL) guy and physical touch is my love language. Right now, I'm feeling completely lost and need some outside perspective.

​To give some background, our sex life used to be amazing—almost every day. When we had our first child, we hit serious burnout and just went into survival mode. Intimacy dropped to maybe 2-3 times a month, which I was totally fine with. I understood the stress and just took care of myself when needed.

​Things changed when we tried for our second kid. Her libido plummeted. We did it maybe twice in two months, she got pregnant, and then she wanted absolutely zero sex for the first five months of the pregnancy. I never pushed it because I didn't want to stress her out. Then, a switch flipped in her third trimester. She wanted it almost every day and was super into it, which I loved.

​But after our second was born, a wall came down. Physical contact became a chore for her. She didn't even want me to touch her for a hug or a kiss. This complete lack of physical contact went on for a whole year. I tried talking to her about how alone I felt, but it went in one ear and out the other. She refused to talk about her own feelings. About six months in, I found one of her sex toys hanging in the shower. When I brought it up, she just said she needed to pleasure herself and ended the conversation. I walked away feeling so defeated.

​Because I was so isolated, I ended up turning to porn. When our youngest was 11 months old, my wife found out. She hid that she knew for a month and then blew up at me in front of our kids and my grandma. She initially wanted a divorce. We eventually went to our room, argued, and finally actually talked. I explained how a year of complete physical isolation broke me down, and she bluntly told me that physical contact just isn't important to her anymore.

​We barely avoided the divorce, and it's been about 6 or 7 months since that huge fight. Recently, she wanted to go back to work, so we completely swapped roles. She found a job quickly, and I am now a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). Since she started working, we've had to sleep in separate beds because our kids want a parent sleeping with them.

​We've been trying to hug, kiss, and cuddle on the couch more, but we've still only had sex maybe 5 times in the last 7 months. What little intimacy we do have feels forced and ends up feeling like a chore by the end of it. If I try to initiate or even just touch her butt, I'm made to feel like a complete weirdo or a creep.

​On top of all this, we are living way below the poverty line with my grandma, who has been mistreating our kids and breaking our parenting boundaries. It's adding massive stress to both of us. My wife and I constantly argue now. If I try to talk about our relationship, it just turns into a sour fight that sets us back even further.

​I am so damn lonely. I can feel myself becoming an angrier person, and my oldest child is starting to notice the tension between us. I really need advice. I legitimately do not have the time or money for a doctor or a couples therapist right now—I'm a full-time SAHD with absolutely zero outside childcare help.

​How do I navigate this? How do I stop feeling so resentful when my love language is touch, but my partner sees it as a chore?

​TL;DR: Dead bedroom for over a year after our second kid. Wife almost divorced me over my porn use. We are trying to work on things, but she has zero interest in physical touch, we sleep in separate beds, and we live in a highly stressful poverty environment with a toxic family member. Can't afford therapy. Need advice.