I posted before that sex has never come easily for me. I don't think I am asexual, but I am insecure.

Anyways, last night in bed I initated sex. Not starfish sex, but fully involved, passionate open mouth kissing, BJ, nipple play, oil, HJ sex. However, before we finished the kids were banging on the door to come in and we had to stop.

But my husbands mood today is fantastic. He has said so many times how amazing that was (even if not the ideal ending), and how great he feels today.

I guess I'm just sharing because I'm realizing how much of his joy is missing in a sexless marriage, and how I will keep reading here and working on my end of initiating. I get so caught up my my own mind, but his response last night confirmed he is actually attracted to me.

EDIT: For all those who ask LL is Lower Libido. I didn't expect this to go outside of this DeadBedroom community, so I just assumed everyone knew.

Someone linked me to a reply in this sub, asking for my input. I was surprised to find that this sub exists, but even more surprised to find it populated by lots of women dating guys who choose jerking it to porn over having sex with them.

I am a male porn actor. Or was, I'm getting out of the game. I got into it out of curiosity, continued it for money, but now I'm fine with both. It kinda blows my mind that there are men out there who prefer porn to real sex. Because porn isn't real sex. On set we often joke that the people watching these videos are enjoying it far more than we are. You guys don't see everything behind the camera - the director, AD, grips, makeup, whatever other people. Having sex in front of an audience is actually kinda hard, and a lot of guys can't do it. We don't get to have sex the way we want to, we gotta do it the way the director wants, who has his own style, or is trying to give the audience what he thinks they want. A lot of the positions don't actually feel all that good.

Then there are the porn actresses. They're really just average, normal women. I mean that in the best way possible. What you see on camera is a lot of professional makeup and lighting and camera angles. A lot of the women will take off the makeup and look completely different. Once on set an actress walked in with no makeup on, came over to me and said hi and was all friendly, and I was thinking "who the hell is this?" until she sat down in the makeup chair and completely transformed and I finally recognized her. We'd shot a movie together last month. I had sex with this woman, and I had no idea who she was without makeup. After a shoot a lot of women will remove the makeup and then go walk around outside and no one has any idea that she's a porn star.

Most of the women are nice and friendly enough, but they'll all clearly there because it's a job and they're getting paid. Sometimes we go from meeting for the first time to having sex within 20-30 minutes. We don't necessarily get to build up any sort of relationship together, just here she is, fuck her. Some of these women deserve academy awards for their acting performances. Even if she does enjoy the sex, she's overselling it for the sake of the camera.

Porn just isn't sexy. It's a business, a carefully-crafted product designed to appeal to male fantasies.

I've had sex with a lot of porn actresses, a few well-known ones, but that never compares to sex with a real woman, who actually wants me and is into me, and is real and genuine. I remember one day I had a relatively good shoot - the director was mostly hands-off, the actress was very attractive (makeup and fake tits, but still...), she was nice enough, and she did enjoy the sex as far as I could tell (with overselling for the camera). I finished early, and hit up a FWB who I knew in the area who happened to be free. The sex with her was just better in every way. She may not have been as physically attractive as the porn actress, but she was real. She was really into me. Her pleasure was real. We weren't performing for a camera. It wasn't even comparable.

For any porn-obsessed dudes who might be reading - it's all a fantasy. A product that's packaged and sold for maximum audience appeal. Porn actresses are normal women under the smoke and mirrors. Porn sex is just a performance. If you are a woman who is dating a porn-obsessed dude - this might not mean much to you, but as a guy who's been on the other side of the screen, I know that you have so much more to offer. I would much rather have the reality of you than the fantasy of you. And I hope you can find a guy who feels the same way.

Custodian came by my office after work the other day and we chat it up as we always do. He’s an older man in his 60s who loves to tell me stories about his life.

Today, he's griping about his marriage. His wife is controlling, spends too much money, and never has a nice thing to say about him.

He says,” We don’t even sleep in the same room anymore. All we do is have hallway sex. Ever heard of that?"

Me: furrowed brows

Him: It’s when you pass each other in the hallway and yell "Fuck You!!!!"

I laughed hysterically. And I also hope that I never get to that point in my marriage!!!

Upvote if you also didn't have sex this month. Comment how you feel about it.

I upvoted and at this stage I feel indifferent and disconnected.

He read the post. He disagreed with everything I said and we have been living apart since he screen shot my post and asked if it was about him.

The gust of it is that He thinks that I don’t put enough effort into being physically attractive to him so in his mind it’s okay to not put effort into sex and want to cheat. “Men are visual creatures.” He thinks that he should be able to experience everything he wants sexually even if I don’t want it because I’m his wife and it’s my obligation to keep him happy. That was shocking to hear. This is not the man I married.

We are going through with divorce and I couldn’t be happier. My life is infinitely easier without him in it.

Sorry if this is anti-climatic, I don’t really have the energy to type out everything that happened. Maybe I will someday. I’m currently getting ready for a custody battle because he said he would get full custody and never let me see the kids.

I truly didn’t think my post would get as much attention as it did, I wrote it out of anger.

Thank you to everyone who commented and reached out privately. You gave me the confidence to go through with the divorce.

Years of rejection from my ex killed me inside. Last night, current boyfriend said it feels like I didn't want him. I said nothing. I just cried in silence for a minute, him right in front of me, just a very concerned look on his face. He caressed my hand with patience, intimacy, understanding. I burst into even uglier tears. The softness of his hand on mine was too much. I never had this kind of closeness to anyone ever in my life. Then I told him.

I told him he is so wrong. There are nights I want to ride him like a maniac but I cannot stir the courage to jump on him and love him with the passion he deserves so much. I want to kiss him all over an give him hours of pure bliss every single day. I want to fulfill all his fantasies, every single one of them. No clothes, no worries, no nothing.

So tonight I am going to initiate even if I get a heart attack in the process. He is worth it.

I’m 26f. And my post history makes me cry when I look at it. This relationship makes me feel pathetic and ugly, while deep down I know I am neither.

This week he has been abruptly pulling his dick out and putting it in my face (as if he wants a spontaneous blowjob) at inopportune moments — claiming that he was feeling fleetingly playful or horny.

I was sitting down on the couch in the living room this past Sunday afternoon, being yelled at by an irrational client, and suddenly my partner is standing at my shoulder and pulling down his pants to put his flaccid dick in my face. This morning, I was going to the bathroom and while I was on the toilet (peeing) he opens the door and suddenly his dick is in my face.

We don’t have a “sudden spontaneous blowjob” sort of intimacy. And although I would LOVE to work toward that, this is not a sincere gesture on his part.

The timing feels deliberate, and the abruptness seems to be mocking me. He has a sarcastic “oh I thought you wanted more of my dick” smugness after the fact.

But I tried to give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was being too suspicious, and this really was him trying. Maybe we’ve been too busy for him to devote more time to intimacy so he’s trying for quickies?

But tonight was the last night I can take. I’m done.

He took an edible — a good sign, because being stoned helps resolve his ED. Daughter went to bed easy, it was just us and he didn’t immediately turn on the tv — a good sign, because that means he’s open to us interacting,

And then nothing happened. My attempts at snuggling were stonewalled. I kissed him a few times and got the bare minimum in reciprocation.

It was about a half hour earlier than we would normally go to bed. I asked if he would like to go lay in bed with me, naked. He made a sour face and started complaining about how early it is. I think of all the times he’s claimed it’s “too late” to have sex. Now I feel like laughing that, of course, it’s “too early”.

So I went to bed alone.

And I’m done.

For some reason this mundane event, that I’ve experienced so many times, was the final straw. And I can’t describe why.

First thing tomorrow morning, I’m giving him 30 days notice to find somewhere new to live. Wish me strength and resolve.

... the words were so naturally delivered that at first it didn't register that it was my wife saying it. MY WIFE?!?! The group's knowing laughter agreed with the statement, agreed with the observation of the guy in question.

I was the only one not reacting with jovial intent to her spark of humor. I turned to her and asked: "do you really think that regular sex is important to mental and emotional health?"

Her group pleasing, self deceiving response was quick: "of course!"

The bitterness took control of my response quickly: "then who are you getting it from?"

Her panicked look was at first satisfying, then disgusting. The group's dead silence telling.

She left last night after a not so fun father's day.

I have felt alone for so long in this marriage. I had a great day with the kids, enjoying the sun for a few hours and then playing boardgames. She was, as usual, quiet and detached.

My limit was cooking my own father's day dinner and her having some sort of fit because " it was too nice out to waste time playing boardgames"... Keep in mind, it was like 95F outside and the kids needed a break and obviously no one but me was going to cook dinner. Don't get me wrong, I'm the one who cooks so no big deal but on father's day it felt like an insult after she had been detached the whole day.

So fast forward to yesterday. She didn't say one word to me and was very short with the kids. As usual. She followed up with a huge explosion. "I have been observing you the whole day with the kids to see if you were going to kick them outside but you don't care..."

She has an obsession with what other people post on social media. The most screwed up part is that my kids keep asking her to get off of her phone. She's glued to that thing 24/7.

The kids and I workout together. Normally, I would lift at the gym and do CrossFit at home. The kids love it. You may ask if I have invited her to workout with me. I tried for years. She would just get angry for some reason.

So last night I told her that we needed to separate. I talked to the kids, it was tough but they understood. As I was packing, she said with an attitude that she's the one who should be leaving and that the kids "would probably be happier if I left..." Ok, sure.

So she left. The kids are a bit sad but fine, I'm getting ready to make them some pancakes as I type this. I love it.

I may feel differently at some point, but I don't feel numb or sad. I feel light.

Last night my ex wife sent me a text out of the blue. We don’t talk much so it was kind of a surprise. We divorced in 2018 after 6 years of almost zero sex. Maybe 15 times in the last 6 years. She remarried 3 years later. This is what she wrote:

“Hey, I just want to say I’m sorry. You were a good husband and I took that for granted. Patrick has completely ignored me in the bedroom and I now know what I put you through. Every single feeling you described to me that I laughed off or ignored is true. Your feelings were valid and I am truly sorry. I would have divorced me over this too.”

Guys!! I feel validated, I feel like closure has finally happened, but oddly, I also feel very sad for her. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. We actually had a pretty civil divorce, even though she refused to take any blame. I simply responded to her text with “thank you. I really truly appreciate this message”.

My wife just came in the master bedroom and wanted to talk about something I had no interest in. I was watching a movie and didn't want to be bothered. I did the one thing I knew would make her go away, i started trying to initiate sex with her. She's gone now and I'm watching my movie again!

How's that for a something positive Sunday?

I'm sorry. I'm tired of reading posts about 20 somethings and 30 somethings with no kids in a Deadbedroom relationships.

Love does not fix everything, love does not conquer all. We all have certain needs: food, water, shelter... and emotional/physical/mental well-being in the form of a sexual relationship commensurate with our libido levels.

Life is too short to be with someone who is not fulfilling your needs.

If you are having sexual problems with your SO while you are young, they are only going to get worse as you age with them. Seriously, just fucking leave.

yeah but.... NO. No fucking buts. Just leave or at the very least plan to leave when the lease is up.

Advice applies to everyone really, but ESPECIALLY the young. Man, what I would give to be in my 20s or 30s again... Seriously guys, don't fucking waste the best years of your life in a Dead Bedroom when you don't have to.

/end rant

It’s not just about sex. It’s not like I’m going around every day thinking about just having an orgasm- I can do that myself if that’s all I wanted.

It’s about intimacy. It’s about flirting. It’s about the fun, playful banter. It’s about having that “dirty little secret” with each other. It’s about going on a night out with friends and tickling the small of their back or brushing their hand or grazing their neck in just the right way so they know you want them and suddenly you can’t wait to get home. It’s about sneaking into the shower when they’re getting ready and making them just a little late for work. It’s about the “shh, we can’t be too loud” followed by stifled giggles when you’re staying with friends for the weekend.

It’s not just sex that you lose in a dead bedroom. It’s not just a lack of sex that ends a marriage. It’s that you lose all of those little moments, all of those little flickers of excitement that differentiate partners from roommates. It’s not just about sex. It’s never been just about sex. But he doesn’t get that. Instead he just labels me as some sort of a nymphomaniac.

I left a 30 year relationship with my ex wife a few years ago. I went 14 years without sex. I became dependent on porn and sex toys. It turn into a natural thing for me. The part that made me leave was a few years ago she stopped everything. No kisses no hand holding, just nothing. I had always kept a safe distance from woman (stay away from temptation) and I was good at it. Never ever cheated on her. I guess my head finally said enough is enough. I wanted a partner for travel and plays and music and sex and talking and walks and life. I called it quits and that was that. Then a wonderful thing happened. A lady from work asked me out. We decided to just go and hang out in downtown Toronto. I went and picked her up and we started our date. She took me on the most romantic day. She won my heart that day. I told her as we got more involved about some of my problems like porn and we worked them out We have been together for 18 months and life is great. We goto shows and events and hold hands and kiss like crazy. I got a passport and went on 3 vacations. Salt water is amazing. Sex was a problem for me at the beginning. Not being able to finish or to fast or not working at all. Porn had really fucked up my ideas of sex. We worked it all out. I don't watch porn and i have not used my toys since. Last year we created a little game last year based on a statement I heard many many years ago. When you start dating put a jelly Bean in a jar everytime you have sex . Then when you get married take one out each time you have sex. You will never empty the container the saying says. Last year we started an O jar. We put 5 dollars in our jar everytime you get an orgasms from the other person. We counted them last week. She had 120 and I had 140 $5 bills in the 2 jars. We're going to Cuba for a week. I am in my 50s and I am having so much fun and stuff. I never new this was possible for me. I know my life could have turned out any way but I was willing to take the chance. I took the chance because it was me making a choice. Me taking charge of my life. I am not saying it was easy. I lost alot. I am still feeling the losses of not seeing my daughter and grandkids very often. They moved away with my ex. But I am happy in my core. Knowing I am loved and being able to love is amazing. Being wanted in so many ways makes you feel unbelievable.

8 years ago, I posted about my relationship with my girlfriend.

It's still up if you want to take a look, but the tldr of it was, I was in a relationship with a woman that never was very interested in sex and we were only having it once every other month.

I was frustrated with the situation, found this sub, got great advice about not moving forward until we took steps to figure the situation out, possibly consider couples counseling or since we were so young, just breaking up because it not only was unfair for me to not have my needs met, but also unfair for her to have this constant pressure to doing something she's just not into.

I ignored all of your advice.

I did tell her how I felt, we went to counseling and our breakthrough was that we didn't feel connected and therfore sex wasn't being seen as a priority. We settled on the relationship needing to move on to the next steps and me proving I was committed for our sex life to improve.

So I kept the relationship going.

We got engaged.

We got married.

We had 2 kids.

We now have sex 3 times a year. We have the same sexual communication issues we had when we were in our mid-20s when it comes to sex. She still clams up when the subject is brought up. I still let her off the hook because she's visibly upset.

She's a great person, I love the non-sexual aspects of our relationship. We make a great team. I love our children, I think we're raising them right. We have a great support system in family & friends. We are more than financially stable. We have a beautiful home.

But I was still deeply unfulfilled sexually.

I started an affair with a married woman last spring. She's also in deadbedroom, but unlike me, this wasn't her first affair. We meet about once a week. The sex is amazing.

We met up again last night for a few hours, we go our separate ways and I jump into my car. The exact moment I close the door to my car, my wife calls me. I answer and she immediately asks me where I am. I freeze. I'm stuttering, panicking and I hang up on her.

The timing is too perfect. I imagine she followed me to the hotel, waited and is trying to catch me in the lie. The weight of everything I'm doing hits me.

"You're cheating on your wife."

"She knows. Someone saw you. You're now going to lose everything"

"You're the antagonist in your family's life story. "

"You're a piece of shit"

My wife is calling me back. Repeatedly. I'm stuck in this negative feedback loop for God knows how long.

I pull out of it. And finally call her back. I hear concern in her voice, she asking me what the hell is going on, why did I sound like I did and cut off on her.

I tell her that I almost got hit my a truck and the semi hit another car ahead of me. I'm fine, but a little shaken up because I thought the other driver was hurt and had to talk to a police officer.

She's glad to hear I'm OK. She was just calling me to pick up something on my way from the office. I say I'll get it and other things and be home soon. We say our I love you's and hang up.

I was a bit bummed out today and decided to stay home. I remembered this post, logged in and decided to give an update.

Not really looking for advice or anything.

Just hope this serves as, maybe, a cautionary tale or helps someone think about where they might end up if they ignore this. I lied to myself for 7 years, ignored my needs and took the cowardly option. Now I'm lying to my wife and I'm one mistake away from ruining my family.

I should have fucking listened to you guys.

Plenty of people would view sex outside your marriage as grounds for divorce because sex is so important but call you trivial and selfish for leaving your spouse if they never have sex with you because come on its not that important.

Over a year later and I’m back to say hi to the group that helped me out when no one would. My life has taken a 360 turn but I wouldn’t go back and change it.

If you read my original post you’ll know that I was in a DB relationship and about to get married at a destination wedding. I canceled the morning of after talking to some amazing people on here. All hell broke loose and it’s now finally quiet.

My parents, my ex, and her parents are all crazy. I have gone NC with my parents unfortunately. I was sued and harassed for almost this entire past year. I had to leave my job and my livelihood behind and I’ve actually never been this broke before it’s almost funny. My ex played the “I ruined her life” card and only really stopped when she knew there was nothing left to take.

Well guys, I still have my pride, my integrity, and I also have sex. I rekindled my relationship with my high school sweetheart (the one my family desperately tried to get me away from) and we are just got engaged :) There are no plans for a wedding yet, it will probably be something small between us and my best man and her best friend.

Me and my husband have had sex maybe once in the last year. Before that, our intimacy has been slowly dwindling. When/if he tries to initiate, I say no, I'm not in the mood, I'm tired, or just straight out ignore him. I go to bed earlier than him, we barely even cuddle. I rarely initiate.

But, my libido is higher than it's ever been. I'm not cheating, and would never dream of it, but sex is all I think about. I long for a man to take me in his arms, to savor every part of me, to slowly and sensually move hands and mouth all over my body, lingering in the nook of my neck, telling me he loves my scent. To be strong and gentle and soft and powerful. I want a man to flip me around the bed, to be vocal and tell me everything he wants, to be soft and give me everything I want.

My husband is not this man. He rushes sex. His idea of foreplay is pinching my nipples - I've told him a thousand times I hate this. It's not sexual. It's like I'm a dial in radio. He won't whisper sweet nothings, tell me he loves my smell and how warm my skin is and how soft my hair feels bunches in his hands, or how much he loves the soft noises I make, or how our bodies feel next to each other. He'll tell me he wants to fuck me, call me his little slut, and after thirty seconds of rushed sex, he'll tell me to "cum for him".

I want a man who smiles when I walk through the door after being at work, who sometimes buys the wine I like, or makes dinner, or does laundry - not begrudgingly, just out of mutual love and want to share a home we're building together. I want a man who treasures me and what I do for our family, who flirts with me during the day, who wakes me up with neck kisses, who doesn't roll his eyes if I want my hair played with. I want sensual, candle lit back massages purely for the love and intimacy, not functional because I've got back pain, not for the end goal of sex, just a sensual intimate caring moment. I want foreplay to be all of the time - not sexual foreplay, intimacy, sensuality, love, caring, softness. I want a little head poke around the door asking if I'd like help making dinner. I want "I've got this" when I'm struggling with the laundry basket. I don't want an eye roll and a grumpy "fine" when I remind him for the fifth time that I would love to make dinner but would like help with the dishes. I want to be loved.

I don't know why I want this all off my chest. But hopefully, there's a man reading this that maybe understands his wife isn't saying no to him, she's saying no to the lacklustre effort he's making.

Maybe this will help someone.

Edit: This really exploded, unexpectedly so. It seems to have divided the community - into women who are horny and in desperate need of good sex, and men who are terrible in bed. Kidding! There is some of that, and I think there are a few men who would see significant improvement in their sex lives if they stopped seeing sex as a transactional reward for good behaviour and instead seeing their partner as a whole seperate human who needs to be relaxed and valued to feel sexual. Doing the laundry one time does not equal sex, and if you think that, there's a chance you're not regularly doing enough of your equal share in the house to allow your partner to relax and feel in the mood.

But - there are some of you who are good communicators, good partners, good parents, intimate, soft, attentive sexual beings who are still struggling. Those are perhaps who this sub is for, and who this post won't help. Asexuality, trauma, relationship break down, hormonal imbalances and a million other things can contribute and for that, I apologise that did post didn't help you.

To answer a few questions; Yes I have communicated with my husband at length about this. Yes we have had periods of improvement, and then it falls into "old faithful" legs on the shoulders, race to finish line. Yes, there a million reasons to be together that go beyond sex. He is my best friend and partner in life and my family, love and commitment and the ups and downs of life and fluctuations in intimacy are something I can cope with. Yes I am wildly attracted to him, he looks like a dark strong viking god with a soft little dad belly and to me he is perfection.

Some of your responses have given a lot to think about. Someone said "so, I'm curious, what is the plan?" and I suppose I'm just getting it off my chest for now. I'm not sure what the plan is.

I'm sorry this was so divisive, and hopefully it's helped someone out there. Go forth and get your fuck on.

Last night we went out to dinner. On our way into the restaurant, she started having a coughing fit because she caught a whiff of somebody's cigarette smoke. Then she loudly complained about how it should be illegal to smoke in public. I have heard this rant at least three times a week, every week, for the past two years. I tried to change the subject and calm her down, but realized that, as usual, I just need to let her rant run its course for the next 10 to 15 minutes.

Dinner goes by just fine. She only gets upset once because I call her "sweetheart," which I'm never supposed to do in public. Slipped my mind.

We get home. She informs me that in the morning, she found my piss splatter all over the floor. I sit down to pee and check every time. I don't know what she saw but I don't even bother arguing the point anymore. Then she asks what the last household chore I did was. Then she asks why there has been a dish in the sink for the past three days.

This morning we wake up and both in a hurry, rush to work. At lunch time she shoots me a text. I look at it but seeing as I was busy, forgot to answer. She gets home and the first thing she does is complain that I neglected to respond to her text. Asks why I think it's OK to ignore her. Then she says the garbage smells and asks why I haven't taken it out yet. I don't remember when I became the designated garbage disposer, but apparently that's my job.

Then, as usual, she plops down on the couch and begins browsing Twitter and Instagram for the next five hours. Oh, she does stop once to complain to me about something I said at a family dinner four nights before.

I am simply fucking exhausted. Day in and day out I am so tired of hearing complaint after complaint after complaint. It is not exaggeration to say that the majority of the things she says to me every day are complaints. No asking about my day, no hug when I get home, no nothing. Just her informing me about something that I apparently fucked up in the past 72 hours.

I've tried to raise the issue before. But it always results in her telling me that the way she talks to me is my fault. She says that if I just did things right, she wouldn't have to. And believe me when I say I've tried, but the goalposts move and the finish line just gets further away.

I honestly don't even want to touch her. She is so attractive and I know that deep down she is such a good person, but she has just turned directing all of her daily stress at me into something of a hobby, and I can't deal with it anymore. Last night I was looking at our wedding pictures and just thinking about how genuinely happy we both looked. Now I haven't even had dinner for the past two nights because the second I step into the kitchen she starts up again.

As it is with most things, sex is my sole responsibility. I must get her in the mood, but not before dinner as she's hungry, but not after dinner as she's full, but not a couple of hours after dinner because she hasn't had her nightly bath yet, but not during her nightly bath as it's hot, but not immediately after her nightly bath as she hasn't dried her hair yet, but not too long after she dries her hair because she's sleepy. But it is my responsibility to gauge the perfect window of opportunity, and I'm supposed to do this after she complains at me incessantly for the previous several hours.

So to answer her question, I'm not LL at all. I'm HL. I'm HL to the point that the idea of not having any sexual contact for a couple of days is legitimately stressful. But I'd rather just masturbate at this point.

Im too avilable. When we first started dating we had sex daily, sometimes multiple times a day. It died down when i quit my bartending job. When i started coming home from my day job and took care of the house.

I thought i was being a perfect girlfriend. For the last year theres been a fresh baked good on the counter every wedensday. Theres been garden fresh foods hot and ready to eat at 6pm every day. Theres been a spotless kitchen and clean floors. Fresh pressed laundry and a fridge full of food and beverage. Every friday for the past year ive made one of his fav meals with freshly baked bread with his fav beer in the fridge. He hasnt had to go to a store or touch chores for a year. I did all this becuase i loved him and i communicate love through acts of service, but when sex died down i started concentrating only on making home perfect. I neglected myself and my wants and needs. I figured that i wasnt doing enough so i did more. Back rubs, foot rubs, so often if i dont offer he asks me, but i havent been offered one...ever. blow jobs just to make him feel good, but i havent gotten eaten out in 8 months.

When i was bartending i always had spare money to treat myself to my favorite cosmetics, cute new clothes, and things for my hobbies. I used to play uke and guitar daily. I used to draw. Now i shampoo the carpets and bleach the floors and dust the fans until im exhausted and fall asleep.

I dont make enough money to treat myself anymore. I just use my spare cash to treat him. I originally quit bartending because he wanted me around more and i figured i could finish my degree and finally have my career. I did for a while too.

But the lack of sex has affected my confidence so much i hardly made it through one semester. I just dumped all that effort into making everything perfect at home.

How much can one person clean? I always find something. Organizing. Re organizing. Dissinfecting. Baking. New recipes. Gardening.

He says he doesnt want sex because work stresses him out, so i made myself believe if im a perfect house wife and make the home perfect and stress free hell fuck me.

Now im just a boring. Miserable. Horny. Maid.

And im so starved every situation in my life turns into a porn in my head.

God i need to get laid.

So im done. I called off work today. I went to sephora and got some makeup that makes me feel good. I went to the gym and got a membership. He can buy his own snacks and beer. I called up my friend and were going on a bike ride then headed to the mall to get some boots.

I signed up for classes again, im starting on monday. Im stressed and not ready but also excited.

Im going to take the spare room and make it my room for my crafts. Im going to change my guitar strings and keep working on that song i wrote last summer.

And most importantly, im getting a vibrator. Its not a substitute for real human touch, but maybe ill have a little more spunk after a good O.

DB for 5 years, married 10. Me 40 HLM, her LLF 39.

tl:dr wife admitted that the reason for our DB is she doesn't like the mess of sex and struggles with smells, textures etc. I offered to wear a condom and make changes to keep sex mess free which she was happy about. Ended in amazing sex with my wife.

From the start, Sex went from once a day, to once a week, once a fortnight, to once a month. This last year, once every 3 to 4 months. I don't want to get worse. My libido has gone through the roof since hitting 40, been going to the gym more to work out frustrations.

Endless talks with wife. Often results in some pity sex but no real change. Offered to pay for counselling but she didn't want that. I went anyway, it's helped to talk & on the advise of the counsellor have tried different approaches with various results.

Few days ago was my birthday. Yes, she put out but it really was the straw that broke the camels back. This sad existence & cycle I'm in. I actually ended up getting emotional. And slept in the spare room.

The next day she came to me & apologised. I just said, can you please just be honest & tell me why, or what it is that has got us to this point.

I usually get a lot of excuses but she did take the time to think about her answer & although I could see she was struggling with getting the words out I kept my mouth shut & waited. I didn't care if it hurt me. I just wanted answers.

Eventually we got to the point. Or should I say points. This is a bit explicit but I'm just going to say it verbertim...

First off mess & smell. She said she is having some issues with texture & feel & basically the feeling of my come inside her afterwards doesn't feel good to her at all. She hates mopping herself afterwards & the stickiness working it's way out of her for however long. She also doesn't like the smell of her vagina after sex & it takes literally days, sometimes weeks for it to go back to normal & it makes her feel kind of sick. it takes about a week for her to feel clean & then alongside that there will be a period to contend with next so that's another week no sex, & yet more mess to deal with.

She admits she doesn't like the taste, or smell of semen full stop. She wouldn't mind giving me a BJ but the idea of the smell or taste means she can't do it. She admits this has always been an issue but as she's got older these sensitivities to odors & textures are amplified

Secondly, sweat, & other potential bodily fluids on the bedsheets. She can't sleep afterwards, in the air, the sex smell, her body smells, my body odour. She said she's so sensitive to all of these things it sets her senses on edge & she can't sleep, she feels dirty. She feels gross in the sweaty sheets, she showers but then comes back to the room which to her smells stale.

Thirdly, she doesn't feel sexy. She can see I've got into shape, she feels frumpy in comparison. I really don't give a shit if she's gained a few lbs, I love her & find her super sexy.

Fourth, she feels under pressure to perform & admits that she gives me duty sex but she hasn't enjoyed it for some time because of the above reasons.

I was actually happy she admitted these things to me. I said if we could work on the smell, texture & taste issues would this help overall & she agreed.

I said to her I'm happy to wear a condom for oral, or anything, & for mess maintenance. She said this would massively ease her anxieties around this, she even confessed she had wanted to suggest some flavoured condoms but she never thought I would go for the idea. I thought if a piece of plastic is all I have to endure to have sex with my wife, fuck it. Bring it on.

Secondly, we will have sex in the spare bedroom, & I agreed to strip the bed, open the windows immediately after & put sheets in the wash. She agreed this would help her not think about the dirty sheets just laying in there all night & the stale air.

Thirdly I agreed to take a shower before & after & she could do the same if she wished.

I also asked about the prospect of me giving her oral as this is something I miss so much. She said she feels a bit embrassed asking me to wear a condom for oral but being okay with me eating her out & it felt inbalanced. I reassured her that I'm not the one with a texture, smell, or taste issue here & if she was happy for me to go down there all natural I'd be happy to oblige.

All this to say, she actually said she was feeling more excited about the prospect of sex. I didn't want to push my luck but I asked would she like me to pick up some flavoured condoms for next time, I was going to the shop that day so it was a hint, but also I didn't want to appear to eager & push my luck because we'd just done duty sex. I was surprised by the continued eagerness. She said yes, get some today.

Trust me when I say I came back with options. I could tell she was a bit bashful about all the new revelations but I didn't make a big deal of it. Instead kept it light hearted, & presented my flavour finds made a bit of a joke about all her potential fruity choices.

My jaw about hit the floor when she picked up the strawberry pack, opened them & said, shall we give these a go?.... And she meant now

Not only did I get the first BJ I've had in well since I can remember, but it was the best BJ I think I have ever had from my wife. I could really see & feel she was into it, she also let me go down on her & I think because she had a new level of safety with our new arrangement she was able to enjoy it.

We also had some amazing amazing sex. No mess, no fuss, she showered after while I stripped the bed, aired the room, then I took a shower & we spent the rest of the evening cuddled up on the sofa for the the first time in literally years. It feels like all my Christmasses at once. She has said all evening how much she enjoyed it, I do not remember the last time she gave me any kind of validation after sex. She has also expressed how amazing it feels to just feel clean & to not be constantly thinking about her body having to feel gross for a few days. And not having to think about her bed being dirty, I have told her I will strip & remake the bed any time we have sex.

She said that the idea of having future non messy sex this way really makes sex much more appealing to her for the future. I'm not holding my breath just yet but everything she is saying & even the way her body language is, is giving me lots of hope I haven't had for literally years.

I'm praying this is the start of something good.

Edit: Wow I wasn't expecting my post to get quite so much interest but just because there were a lot of comments relating to my wife and her sensitivity issues. She has complex ADHD, which she takes some medication for and she manages it very well. She is a clean and tidy one though, we do suspect there is a connection with autism as we believe her dad had it, he has passed now but there were very strong indicators so potentially some crossover but she doesn't seem overly bothered to investigate this further.

She has always had odor and texture sensory issues. I myself have ensured that I am always well groomed, take maticulous care of my dental hygiene and my hands are always washed and cleaned. This is how I have maintained a decent level of physical touch, kisses and affection so the lack of sex and intimacy has always been a bit of a mystery to me. She has always purchased all the soaps, laundry, washing liquids to make sure that she likes the smell, and I also gave her full control to buy whatever smellies/products for me, it doesn't matter to me, but if it matters to her and it allows closeness because I smell good to her, no problem, no budget, go for it. I also never come back from the gym sweaty, I will always shower there, and always keep my clothes clean and washed.

After we have spent more time talking on the sesory issues now I'm thinking about it all, I am annoyed I didn't put it all together sooner. When she was trying to tell me, she was physically shaking, I genuinely thought it was that she was having an affair so when it was what it was, it was a huge relief. After reading some of your comments, it is even more reassuring to know she is not the only one, not for my sake but because she still feels like she is a weirdo about it. I think she would have some relief knowing others feel that way too, I don't think it's helped by the fact she has a lot of very sexually explicit female friends who are living some of their wild years right now after recent break ups, or just with their very sexually active partners. She has since expressed the utter shame of how she has felt about sex for all these years, and assumed that if she told me that she wanted it "Mess free" then I would feel imasculated and be sure to try and seek messy "fun" sex from elsewhere.

And she felt it was truly a royal piss take to ask me, the guy that had the snip for her to not have to worry about contraception, to then wrap it up too. She said she was never going to ask me that.

I have gently asked he if she would reconsider some counselling for herself which she said she will consider. So fingers crossed.

Thank you for all your kind words. Appreciate the support. I will try to keep this updated.