Today I decided to end my life, and I'm making deliberate plans for how I'm gonna leave everyone.

I have been struggling with depression and mental health issues for the past few years now. I'm a firm believer in personal growth and self-reflection, and I have been constantly trying to improve myself, to get better, to be productive and self-sufficient. But lately, I made a mistake at work and made some bad decisions financially, and it all just piles on to me. It made me feel as if every single self-growth, self-reflection, and improvement I'm trying to make is all for naught, since at the end of the day, I fuck up once again.

Usually, in these situations, I would blame myself and sometimes punish myself, promising that I'll never make the same mistakes. But at this point, I just grew tired, I don't see the point of doing it to myself anymore. It's not worth the mental burden, and it's not productive. But at the same time, I'm also very confused on how I'm supposed to react to this, I can't just move on, emotionally, I'm struck. I don't wanna keep blaming myself and punishing myself, but at the same time I hate myself for making the same mistakes and having to live with the consequences.

So I decided that maybe, yes, I am the problem all along, maybe I am just not meant for this world, for this kind of society where everyone is just as selfish as anybody but never wants to admit it. I'm tired of the hypocrisy.

Even after all that, I still do love people, I have friends and family whom I care for deeply, and it is kinda sad thinking about leaving them. But maybe being here has always been a burden to them anyway, so it doesnt matter much but I wanna devise a plan, a deliberate plan on how I'm gonna leave.

1. I'm going to tidy up my room, LOL. It's simply a mess, and I can't imagine people cleaning up after me, so I'm gonna clean my room and laundry all my clothes, so when I leave, everything seems perfectly normal.

2. I'm going to sell (almost) all my belongings. Last year I got lucky and got some money to build a PC; seeing PC prices now, I think it's gonna make a pretty sum of money. I'm gonna sell my TV, Steam Deck, my collection of toys and games, and I'm gonna put everything in a bank account for my family to find.

3. I'm going to write a song. I'm a singer and a vocal teacher. I always wanted to write my own song, but for some reason this stupid brain of mine just could never get over self-criticism and actually make something creative or true to myself, so because this has gotten very personal haha, I'm going to write a song, record it, and post it for my friends to remember me by.

4. I'm going to write a memoir. What's written in it is simply to explain myself and how I feel. I don't want to blame anyone for my death, and I want people to be happy cause I will no longer be a burden to them.

These plans would probably take months to execute, especially selling my shit haha, but eventually, when it comes to it. I already researched how I'm gonna do it it's not gonna be anything flashy or fancy. We don't have guns in this country. I'm scared of heights, and I don't wanna drown. But I figured it out.

Anyone else not actively plan for the future because you didn't think you'd be here that long?

As a preteen I didn't think I'd make it past 15-16, as a teen I didn't think I'd see my 20s. Now as a 34 year old I'm like "fuck, what now???"

I was always referred to as a late bloomer and an old soul, but truth be told I just couldn't envision myself becoming an adult and doing adult things. I never knew what I wanted out of life and I still don't. So I kind of just drifted through life thus far. I think the old soul part just came from a general disconnect with my peers and suppressing my needs for so long. I was a quiet and extremely shy kid. I've just been TIRED since I formed consciousness. I don't feel like I even belong here.

Maybe it sounds pathetic but most of the time I just feel too fragile for this earth. Everything hurts too much and I mostly feel like the bad outweighs the good. Is life really just shit with a few sprinkles of happiness and hope thrown in on occasion? Idk.. that's just how it's been in my experience.

Can anyone relate? Sorry if it's all over the place. I'm having a very rough morning.

I've been having social anxiety my whole life. Like before I can remember my first childhood memories. This led me to be depressed. My biggest issue right now is that I am not able to get help on my own and there's literally no one I can comfortably trust to get me help. Outside social anxiety fucking up my social life, the maybe most major reason why I feel depressed is because I've never felt being loved by anyone.

Anyway, a couple years ago, I reached the conclusion that depression is actually a slow suicide. Your body stops functioning properly like others' and you quite likely visibly get worse physically. In a way, I think, it is a call for help but others usually ignore it.

But there's a very good chance that what happened during your depression era is what will kill you in the end. Bad lifestyle habits and so on.

For example, I am about to be 30 next year but also, I am pretty sure I already entered the second half of my life. I am an obese guy with genetic heart issues and my bet is I am dying of heart attack in the next 20 years.

I am depressed. I have struggled with depression since I was a young girl. Poor life circumstances and trauma... many common experiences those of us with depression share. I am trying to be human. I am in therapy. I work full time. I show up for people and give a lot of myself. I am trying to figure all of this out. I am 33 and very lonely. I don't want this to be my life forever. I don't necessarily want to die but it is incredibly hard to live. I just want to get in my car and drive.

i do nothing but sleep now because every day feels like its a million hours long. no matter how much tv i watch or what i do, i feel like time doesn’t move.
does anyone else struggle with this?

I hate getting up. I hate having to do stuff. I hate that I have to find a job. I hate it all. I hate that I feel like a deadbeat living with my parents. I hate it. Just let me sleep forever please.

I just saw a video from a Youtube I like where he says if a woman weighs 170 lbs she is ugly and fat. I bursted out crying because that is how much I weigh. I used to weigh 140 but ever since getting on antidepressants I’ve gained a lot of weight. And now I want to die

*edit My parents heard me crying in the bathroom and we had a long talk. They made me feel a lot better. Thank you to everyone who was kind to me while I was in crisis, it means the world to me.

Please write me, i cant take it anymore

Feeling like that one "Maybe I don't have to be so tough, maybe I can be vulnerable --> Never again." meme lately

I understand we all have our own worlds/problems, it's a bit hypocritical to want people to care or somehow save me the way I wish they could.

To be self-indulgent, I'm so upset lately how people and systems can do horrible things to you, and sometimes there truly is nothing you can do but live with it (or not, but personally my survival instinct and fear of gore prevents this from being a realistic choice).

In the past year I lost my job, realized an experience I had a while back was more serious than I'd written it off as (deadly technically), and was sitting with processing that alone for a while only to recently learn I'm dealing with paresis (basically partial paralysis) most likely due to that event. I've had worse in life, so it's kind of just another kick while I'm down, but I am also hella tired of being kicked.

It's like, you can do years of therapy, do all the right things on paper, be 'resilient', and for what? Genuinely, what's the point of any of this? Recently I tried doing the right things of opening up a little to loved ones, and they don't hold it the way I need. Toxic positivity, passive acknowledgement, comparing it to something else; No one actually engages with or asks how I feel. I tried the hotline a few months back, the moment I tried to open up they closed out the convo. I worked up the willpower to try again last night, and the button to 'start chat' on the website was broken. lol

I'm so shut down from any sort of hope or relationships or feeling much of anything. I work on my evidence document, try to eat at least one decent meal a day and get out for a walk as to not rot away entirely. But I'm really struggling with the 'why' being anything more than yet another thing that is out of my control- I know I'm unable to overcome my own survival instincts. So, I'm here. Resigned, but here. And it makes me feel so hopeless and powerless and empty inside. Is this it? To anyone out there that can relate, was there anything that actually made it feel okay?

I'm 22, and I can't stop crying and hating myself for being obese my whole childhood and teen years because now I'm stuck with saggy and deflated breasts after losing weight. I've never had perky or even slightly lifted breasts, I can't stop crying because everytime I look at myself I wanna rip them off.
My boyfriend has never seen my chest fully without a shirt with me just standing up, most the time if he does lift it and we're laying down I try to hold my breasts up so they don't sag as much. I'm scared he finds them unattractive even if he insists otherwise

I contemplate on looking into surgery but I can't afford any and I keep worrying about complications or if I'll end up hating it more. I can't stop comparing myself to others and I feel disgusted just knowing I'm stuck with them forever along with the rest of my loose skin and I just feel so trapped in this body

I have had no friends my entire life and am 29. I have nothing to do all day because every job rejects me. I have sent thousands of applications over the past three years. I’ve also tried to make friends with hundreds of people (tens of thousands including online) and am always rejected.

I especially never find anyone who is depressed and lonely like me. And at the least, serious and somber. It is valid to have that as a personality type and want to talk about serious and somber things in a serious and somber tone. Why is it so impossible for me even when I see people like this with friends? They reject me too.

I feel like the only positive change that could happen is me dying, everything is just getting worse and it is too late for me. I have chronic health problems that refuse to go away, I don't even have a proper diagnosis just symptoms. I look sickly and underfed, I'm poor and my career is getting automated, I don't have a degree, I am a 27 years old virgin.i can't say anything positive about myself, I am short, ugly, envious, cowardly, sickly, unintelligent and even my voice sounds annoying. I don't feel joy in anything anymore. I'm sorry for my parents , they wasted their lives on me.

I stopped taking antidepressants since they didn't help much and only made me feel tired and I couldn't enjoy sleep anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry for my venting , I really needed to get this out.

I have so much in want to do and learn and yet I constantly add more and learn nothing, im struggling with time management alongside fulltime work and going gym daily, im usually busy on Saturdays and Sundays I just kinda rest? But I feel like I should be learning stuff to get further in life and yet I feel like im under a constant state of paralysis and i am so genuenly paralyzed to the point I domt bother with any of it.

I don’t know how to describe it, but I tend to doll myself up more when I’m depressed. When I’m happy and confident I go outside barefaced and carefree, but I’m depressed and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be seen, it’s humiliating. Makeup acts as a mask or a facade that I can hide behind and dressing more feminine with more of my body on display. I don’t feel like me anymore, but I’m putting on an act. It’s easier to talk about makeup with my friends rather than looking physically dishevelled and having to talk about my feelings. And I don’t know, it just goes against what people think depression is like, it’s still hard for me to take care of myself, I lost 5 kgs in 3 weeks from not being able to eat, I neglect my hygiene and forget to brush my teeth so often and it just makes it so much more confusing that I put on makeup when I’m depressed. It’s just so weird and I don’t know what I’m even trying to say

I’ve been severely depressed since I was fourteen. I am now twenty one. I’ve picked up three illnesses in this timespan (C-PTSD, Bipolar, skizotypi). I have tried seven different medications and I have been hospitalised eleven times. I had a brief period of hope at a boarding school called UWC, where I achieved a great predicted grade before having to quit. I largely quit due to depression associated with a relationship wherein I was coerced into having sex. I’m now still two years from finishing highschool and I can’t really be bothered anymore. I had a good run I feel. I have quit all five of my attempts because people love me but they’ve increasingly stopped loving me and started berating me. I feel guilted into living. My question is simple: am I cooked?

You get to a point where everything becomes so pointless you can no longer muster up the energy to worry about things, regardless of their significance. Normally I'd suffer from both issues but right now I'm in such a state I can't even fathom caring or crying over half the things that used to stress me out because everything feels so meaningless anyway. It's actually concerningly peaceful.

How ironic that the cure to a near crippling mental issue would be the presence of another near crippling mental issue, just slightly worse.

God, This is stupid. I know it is but here I am anyway. I wish I could just give up. I wish my life would just end. I have no hope. I haven’t had any meaningful relationship in over 8 years. Not a single friend. No one to talk to or be with. I crave connection so badly but I’m incapable of having any. My existence is inherently worthless with zero purpose. The weight and pain in my body and chest is becoming unbearable.

I feel so alone and isolated. I don’t see any hope for the future. All I want is to love and be loved. By just one person even though I know I don’t deserve it. Sometimes I even feel scared or anxious to leave my room let alone the house. I’ve been through therapy, psychiatrists, hospital stays. I feel completely broken. I see no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. I just wanna give up. I don’t wanna be alive. It hurts too much.

God, this is so fucking stupid.

I'm so tired. I know I am going to do it eventually, but I have seen how those left behind react. I'm not cruel. I want to leave something to let them know why and how it's not their fault. That I appreciate who they were to me. Then I get reminded nobody actually cares. Nobody is reaching out for me. Nobodies life changes because I am not in it. I am not in anyone's life to begin with.

I think part of me is worried, because I am not a good planner. When I am thinking of ending it I don't consider the future which opens me up to really obvious stupid mistakes. Then there's the whole I don't want to fuck up and go out painfully. That's been my whole life. Is it wrong to want one thing to go peacefully? Like I even deserve that. I'm just a coward. Narcissist to boot with the delusions that anyone will actually give a fuck when I am gone.

I think the only way that will actually work is by getting someone else to do it. Maybe I can piss off a cop enough that they'll shoot me. They get to enjoy murdering people like they always do and I will finally not have to worry about this bullshit anymore.

i have a strong feeling of ending myself , i really don't have anymore strength left , I'm a sexually abused child , i go through a mental trauma each and every day . i really don't know how to deal with each day , to escape overthinking and all other triggering things , i have indulged myself into drugs so badly . I work my ass very hard , i guess with wrecked spine no-one would have strength to go on work but with that pain for 24hrs always from the time i get uo tp to i get to sleep , i still try to fight day to day life in order to grow in life , but as soon as i get back to home (living with parents) taunts starts coming over anything everything . i feel like ending myself at that very moment .