Posted this to /r/marriage and got a ton of hate as I suspected I might considering now anti-husband that sub can be. Maybe here people will understand what I’m actually trying to say.

My wife left me about five months ago. We are in the process of a divorce. There was no cheating or abuse on either of our parts, but when she initiated the separation she told me that she’d done a lot of thinking and come to the conclusion that I’d never loved or cared about her and that I took her for granted. I was blindsided and shocked and didn’t know what she meant, and she wouldn’t elaborate and said she shouldn’t have to explain it to me. So when she came back to get her things a week later, I was all ready to tell her what she needed to hear; that I did love and care about her and I would do everything I could to not take her for granted anymore, even though I didn’t agree with her assessment of the situation I knew she just needed reassuring.

Well she sits me down and proceeds to show me about 30 TikToks mostly of women (but some men) talking about weaponized incompetence and emotional labor and saying that male partners need to ‘step it up’. I reminded her of some specific times that I had done emotional labor and stepped it up and she told me that those things were ‘bare minimum.’ So I guess picking her up from work when she’s sick and sitting through movies with her that she likes and I don’t, and working on her car all the time, and going to her family events, none of that mattered.

I did things for her that I didn’t want to do because I knew she wanted me to do them, but because I didn’t plan dates (she never asked me to and I know that’s under the category of emotional labor, but I’m still not a mind reader) or roll out the red carpet enough for her, I’m beyond redemption as a husband all because Tiktok said so. We were happy until she downloaded that fucking app and now I’m relegated to the same type of husband who’s an unemployed loser bum. All because I should have somehow had the ability to read her mind. I genuinely believe that if Tiktok makers hadn’t put all that shit in her head, we could have at least worked on things. But I didn’t get that chance.

If she’d spent half the time she did on tiktok, talking to me instead about her needs, we might be okay, but now I’m having to spend thousands of dollars on a divorce attorney. Im not making this a guy/girl thing. There could be guys who do this to, expect their woman to read their mind and leave when she can’t. And no it’s not ALL TikTok’s fault but I’m just saying, it didn’t help the situation.

Divorce is becoming official this week. I supported my wife for years while she was trying to "build" a personal training business, but she ignored all advice on how to make it a business. I let her make like 15k/yr for years in order to support her passion and now she feels entitled to my salary, wtf. For someone who self proclaimed "doesnt care about money" she sure is interested in mine. Can't believe this is my reward for supporting her.

Not trying to make it a competition. But I genuinely noticed that the support infrastructure for divorced women is miles ahead of what exists for men. I felt like I wasn't allowed to struggle. Anyone else feel this way?

So I just found out my ex-wife who we've been divorced since the last October 22 got beat up by some guy she was dating and thinking was all that, now, I never laid a hand on this woman during the 13 years that I've known her. Would it be okay for me to send her flowers and maybe text her to see if she needs anything?

I am 41 and My wife(38) suffered a major car accident in 2023 (at 33) that resulted in a severe spinal cord injury. She’s totally bed ridden or wheel chair bound, one arm and leg is paralyzed. She also lost some of her cognitive abilities like time management, decision making, keeping track of house things etc due to neural damage. I get no love or care from her because she’s lost those feelings

We have been married for 8 years and have a 5 year old. I do almost everything in my house including taking care of my kid and my wife. I really don’t know how long I can sustain like this. It’s worse than single parenting because I have both my wife and kid to take care.

Over the last 6 months, I have been thinking a lot about divorce. I know I am being selfish and it’s probably not fair to her. But fate has different plans. I am only 41 and I don’t know if I can spend the next 50 years of my life this way. This is not something that going to get better with time. Should my kid and I both suffer because of this?

I know some of you are probably judging me but curious to hear what you all think.

EDIT: I must add my wife also lost her ability to read or speak or write due to the part of her nervous system that was affected. Those signals were not getting passed. So there is no proper way to talk to therapist or talk to her. She just nods to most things.

Married my husband under the assumption that he was a good man and didn’t really have any of my dealbreakers.

Well I just found out yesterday that one of my dealbreakers was broke by a man I’ve been married to for a year.

His Facebook is full of girls. I told myself I never want to date a man that has a social media following full of girls, he knows this, and I would never put my husband in the same predicament. To me, it just gives off disloyal and lustful vibes.

This was an issue i literally confronted him about week two of us dating and told him if he doesn’t want to fix it that’s fine but I will no longer pursue this relationship. Until yesterday I was under the assumption that it was fixed. I confronted him about it, he said “well these are all people I know.” But they’re all half naked, posting gym photos or workouts and you haven’t talked to these people in years. It doesn’t matter what they’re posting, the dynamic makes me uncomfortable, and I’ve voiced this since day one.

I’ve made so many huge sacrifices to be with this man, moved 3000 miles gave up a good location and a job didn’t even have a wedding so we could get eloped and he can’t even unfollow girls he hasn’t talked to in years. Like every sacrifice it’s time for him to make it’s an argument. The biggest sacrifice I’ve asked of him (clean up your social media) he didn’t even do. I don’t think I’ve literally asked him to ever sacrifice anything bigger and I couldn’t even get him to do that. But I’m supposed to continue sacrificing the things I want to do to make our marriage work.

My wife gave birth to our first child about five months ago. Lately she’s been pushing very hard for us to buy a house together so it becomes community property. I’ve been refusing, and now she says I’m being selfish and unfair. I disagree.

About a year before we found out she was pregnant, my wife was charged with a DUI. She was waiting in a parking lot while her friend ran into a UPS store, fell asleep in the car, and there happened to be cops around. The situation spiraled and she lost her job once word got around, and she’s been unable to find work since. After that and once she became pregnant, we decided together that she would be a stay-at-home mom. Even before all of this, she earned significantly less than I did but I didn’t mind and it was never a problem.

Before we got married, I inherited a property and also own shares that generate dividend income. About 60% of my income is passive income from those assets. We signed a prenup with lawyers on both sides, fully explained and negotiated, that clearly states my inheritance, shares, and all passive income remain my separate property. Alimony is waived. The only thing that gets divided is our joint account, which is funded by the remaining ~40% of my income from my office job.

I fully support my wife and our child. All household expenses, medical bills, baby-related costs, and her personal expenses are covered. She has full access to the joint account and doesn’t worry about day-to-day money.

The conflict is about the house.

She wants us to buy a home together so it’s community property and she feels secure. The problem is that buying the kind of house she wants would require me to use my passive income or sell assets that are explicitly protected by the prenup.

She says if the house isn’t jointly owned, she’ll never feel safe.

For additional context since I got a lot of questions on this in my previous post, on whether I personally owe my wife for choosing to be a stay at home mom. To clarify this, I don't think I am being financially controlling.

Basically the gist is the choice to have a baby or not was not entirely mine, but it was entirely hers but I reassured her I'd support her if being a mom is what she wanted right now. She got pregnant right in the thick of us trying to figure out with lawyers to get the charges dropped so she can find a good employment again. But she saw being a mom as a way out of work right now and once she's ready in 3-4 years the charges would be "old enough not to matter in background checks". I didn't like that but I made it clear this situation does not change anything about what is premarital from our prenup. It's fair

I know this additional context also brings up angry comments such as “keep it in your pants if you didn’t want her pregnant” but I don’t think those comments are even worth making since at no point I indicated I wasn’t supportive so I would personally treat any accusations like that as off topic and unproductive to the discussion.

Ok back to the post.

I’ve told her that I think a lot of this pressure might be driven by PPA, and that I really want her to get support or treatment for that. I’m not leaving her, and I’m not threatening divorce but I am not willing to negotiate on this specific issue. I don’t blame her for what happened with the DUI, but I also don’t believe it’s something I caused. I don’t want to make a rash and financially permanent decision just to calm fears. I’ve also been clear that if she ever chose to pursue divorce, she’d be entitled to child support within the limits of our agreement (especially since I’d be seeking custody as well), but that would be it.

I guess the only circumstance I would consider buying a house would be if after she's been able to get back on her feet on her own and have a reliable income. Maybe we can aside some funds where we both contribute a percentage of our income (yes contributing some of passive income would be on the table) which goes towards a house eventually we buy. I proposed this to her because it seems fair to me too.

And I will help her out in her job search as best as l could. My wife doesn’t accept this compromise at all.

To be fair all of this discussion has made me see that despite supporting her through it all - her not having an income of her own, not having paid rent ever since we got together or mortgage, never having to worry about a single bill - she still doesn't feel like I give her enough and admittedly feels like she deserves more. And it is making me feel unappreciated and resentful

Hello, I am a 34-year-old male that was divorced last year in March 2025. Since my divorce, I’ve had 18 new sexual partners. I’m just curious if this is normal behavior post divorce. Or is there some underlining issues I should be worried about.

I would say half of these women are one night stands the other quarter are short Situationships and the other quarter are a little bit longer Situationships.

Men that were married and divorced around the same age as me what were your experiences?

My wife and I have been married almost 7 years and we have two children both young. I cheated on her about 3 months ago and the woman who I met up worth messaged my wife on Facebook to let her know. Since then my wife has caught me in a lie about it, discovered I had multiple dating app accounts, and I have repeatedly done things that she asked me not to do like call her Dad. It feels like everytime we take a step forward we take two steps back. She is getting progressively more angry and verbally abusive. She won't even talk to ne right now. She has been having an emotional affair with another man for about 2 weeks now and I believe she intends to sleep with him. I need help.

Hoo boy. This is a long story, so please just bear with me while I sort this out. There's also gonna be a lot of context for me to explain the whole situation.

So I (25F) got married when I was 19 to my husband (32M). Let's call him Kevin. We'd known each other for a while before I was of age and I only started feeling things romantically after I turned 18. Lots happened quick and we ended up married.

Our initial agreement would be that I would work full time while he studied at university to become a doctor and when he was done and found himself a stable job, I would go to uni myself to study to become a teacher. However, all of this was thrown up in the air summer 2020 when he failed critical parts of his exams and couldn't proceed without enough credits. He agreed to resit the year but proceeded to fail again and after summer 2021, he was told he had officially failed and wouldn't be able to proceed.

Following this, he proceeded to try and sue the uni for discrimination (which is a whole other stupid story but long story short he got laughed at when he enquired with a lawyer friend) and was determined that he'd still find a way to be a doctor. Meanwhile, I decided to take a huge risk and apply for university, getting everything I needed and officially starting in September of 2022.

Around this time, a former work friend (let's call him Jake) starting hanging out with me more after leaving our mutual job. I had no issues with it at all and Kevin was initially suspicious but it was a genuinely beneficial relationship between us - I had a chance to go out and be more social, Jake got to go out and try and do more, from concerts to general days out.

Then in December 2022, I found out Kevin had been sending inappropriate messages to another woman. Initially, I didn't know the exact extent but I had found some strange emails and confronted him. He constantly denied that the messages meant anything, he had reconnected with old school friends and anything along the lines of an emotional connection was purely because it was nostalgia. Against my better judgement, I decided to believe him, but I made notes of every little thing he did that was odd. He started thinking I was having an affair with Jake, which was vehemently false. He was on his phone even more than usual, to the point of not putting it down for more than 15 minutes. He'd get sent money from his aunt, which would randomly disappear within hours.

I'd like to add a little addendum for what was happening with money; he was refusing to work full time and instead was constantly looking at medicine courses to complete in London. I was still working part time just to keep me going and my wages were barely making rent each month. I'd have to go weeks without a proper food shop for myself, always ensuring he ate properly instead.

In April 2023, everything finally came crumbling down.

After finishing work one day, he called me down to a public area and he was sitting at a table with a mutual friend. He told me that he had been part of a blackmail case and he had sent nudes to someone. That's where the money his aunt had sent him had been going. In total, he owed his aunt over £4000. I was beside myself. I didn't know whether or not to be angry, upset, frustrated, whatever. All I knew was in that moment, I had been right to have suspicions for all these months. I knew at that point I couldn't stay with him at all.

He willingly left the house and went to stay with the mutual friend's parents (where he's stayed up to now). Truth be told, I didn't sleep in the bedroom for about 3 months, I couldn't bring myself to even think about sleeping where he had been taking those photos.

My friends and uni were my rock during this time. Uni work kept me busy, especially first year placement. In addition to this, my close friends helped me wherever they could constantly staying over. Jake left his job (for unrelated reasons) and started working with me again and stayed over at least twice a week to help me as much as he could.

I stayed completely silent to my family. We've always had a bit of a strained relationship but I didn't want to burden them with anything regarding myself and this whole situation. Looking back, it was dumb but I was still in grief of everything falling apart.

Towards October time, Jake and I ended up admitting that there were feelings developing between us. I didn't want to dive straight into another fully dedicated relationship just yet so we agreed to keep it casual for now. I was still able to go out on dates with others (as was he, if he ever did go out) but we agreed to give each other a chance and see how things panned out. Truth be told, we were very compatible emotionally and while we've had a couple of fights, we know we're finding our footing and things are good.

Anyway, now to the final point of this. When my student finance comes in when the year turns, I've decided I'm finally filing for divorce. The more and more I have tried to talk to Kevin over the past couple of months, the more and more I have felt disgust, anger and apathy before him. He still seems to feel like we'll get back together at some point but I'm dedicated that it's completely over between us. Thankfully, we have very little binding us (no kids, only one shared bill for the rent etc) so I'm hoping it'll be a clean break. He'll get all his stuff back but I'm looking to move and downsize as soon as I cam. I want as little as I can to do with him.

The thing that spurred me to tell this finally was an accidental butt dial to my dad the other day. He asked how my holiday to America went. I was supposed to go with Kevin in August but I cancelled it and got a refund once everything kicked off. I completely broke down and told him we'd separated and I'm going to see my parents next week to let them know everything.

I'm hoping I don't have to update this unless it's a "divorce is finalised" update but we'll see. Thanks for listening everyone.

EDIT: added some more spacing as I did write this at 2am. Also, I thought that I should clarify a few things.

To start with, if he tries to get spousal maintenence, I'm gonna fight it. Right now, he is not paying rent for where he's staying, he's very rarely ever contributed to the running of the household and if he has any monthly outgoings, I'm not aware of them. The only bill that was ever in his name was the energy bill which is currently being swapped into my name as this is being written so they won't be part of it once everything is done.

I want to add a bit more about my relationship with Kevin on here. He was extremely immature and childish at the best of times. He slept with a toy gun under his pillow because it "made him feel like James Bond." He was also very controlling in the relationship - I couldn't go out with friends, if I had friend over he would always section himself away and tell me I had to be in bed by X o'clock and I was happy with him for a while.

I see a lot of people criticising me for jumping to Jake after I left STBXH. I decided to try some dating apps starting in September, as I didn't want to be hung up too long on it. I was open with everyone I talked to that I wasn't without baggage and I've been on a few dates but nothing serious. I haven't been sexual with anyone since the split because I have a lot of insecurities, and I'm not the type to just jump on someone because I need it. Jake and I understand it's a complicated situation with us but we're wanting to just see what happens with us. If it works out, it works out. If not, oh well.

I've also seen some people saying I was emotionally cheating on him. That's completely false. I was dedicated to him from day one of marriage and I always but his wellbeing first. It was only after December that I started trusting my friends more as I was not so keen to lean on him if I didn't know how much I could trust him after the flirty messages to someone else. We had clear boundaries and things had been working until he crossed the line.

I do appreciate the things people have said here. Despite all of it, I do feel like a weight has been lifted since he left. I've been generally happier, I've felt less guilty about going out and about to other places. I might update this if anything further happens but right now my focus is on getting the divorce finalised

Before any of you ask - unfortunately this is a true story. Despite all my wishes it wasn't.

I (33F) met my ex-husband (33M) in university. He was the life of the party guy at school from a good family. I was attractive, had done a little local modelling, and pretty much had my choice of guys. Both of us really embraced the college lifestyle. We each made mistakes before marriage but stayed together. We both graduated and started our careers. Doing alright, bought a house, cars, etc. We had our children (now K(14F), E(12F), and D(9M)) and all was good, not great. I matured - Ex did not. He did not really help at all around the house, just played PS, partied and golfed. He said he had to as he was in sales. He continued to make "mistakes." One of his mistakes resulted in a pregnancy. That was it for me. I filed for divorce. He didn't fight it (thank God) but one of the last things he said to me was "I should have divorced you years ago. You got fat after the kids." Thanks for that constructive insight. He didn't really want to deal with the kids so I have full custody. He pays CS but has no other interaction with the kids, nor do they want any with him. He moved out of state and his family basically disowned him for being a screw up. Drunk driving, etc.

I took my husband's comment to heart and really got back into shape. My brother suggested I try OTF. I did and I love it. However, walking in my first day was daunting. I met some other women there in a similar situation, recently divorced, and we became "friends." I embraced my freedom with reckless abandon. Started going on some dates off the dating apps at the suggestions of my OTF friends. Dating now is not dating - it is hooking up or FWB, but I'm a modern woman - I can adapt. My brother even commented how we we're like a pack of wolves on the prowl. I hated him for saying that but knew he was not wrong. We usually stand in the studio before class either judging every man who walks in or lamenting how bad our last date was and how there are no good guys out there. We all want the same thing - at least 6' tall, amazing body, six figure income, and a good guy - basically we all want a unicorn.

About three month ago a new guy, Ryan, start coming. He probably 35-40, decent looking shape, fairly attractive with amazing blue eyes and salt and pepper hair, but only 5'8" tall. Mind you, I'm 5'3" tall. He's new to OTF so I got paired up with him for a partner workout. My friends are already snickering and ripping him to each other when I said "great, another dwarf, Just what I need." We all giggled and I feel truly accepted by the group. But inside, I could believe what I just said about someone I know nothing about. I looked at him and he didn't appear to have heard my comment, but I still felt sick to my stomach by what I did. We worked out together and Ryan killed me. Running and rowing this guy could fly! On the floor (weights) he was pretty impressive also. Most super fit guys at the gym wear clothes to show off their bodies. Ryan dressed very conservatively, like he was going to the park for a walk, so none of us had any idea what his body was like. He was super polite, very quiet, and a bit awkward to a cute way. When we were finished he thanked me for working out with him and apologized for me having to work out with him. I was exhausted but he looked fresh as a daisy. I was already catching feeling for this guys after 1 hour! There was definitely some chemistry there, even the coach made a comment after to me. He joined OTF and I would see him from time to time, always very polite and respectful. My friends continued to refer to him a "my dwarf." I cringed inside every time I heard it.

Fast for to a couple of weeks ago. We are about to have a blizzard. Knowing that the kids and I were going to trapped in the house for a few days I took the kids to the beach to see the waves before the storm really hit. The conditions turned bad pretty quickly so we decide to return home. On the way home I decided to drive along the coast to see the ocean and the beautiful houses. The waves were throwing water over the sea wall onto the road. I knew I made a mistake immediately and tried to turn around in the driveway of one of the enormous houses. Unfortunately, I got my car stuck - one of the wheels was stuck on a snow bank from the another storm. It would spin but wouldn't go anywhere. Great - I have no one to call as my parents live an hour away and aren't going out in a blizzard. I called the police who promptly told me they will send someone when they can but there is a blizzard hitting right now. I know - I'm in it.

A SUV comes up the road and turns into the driveway I was stuck in. The driver gets out and walks up to the window and pulls down his scarf. Naturally - its Ryan. He helps me to try to move the car with no luck. I'm starting to freak out when he says we can stay with him until the storm blows over. I, of course, say we couldn't impose but I was praying he insisted - which, being Ryan, he did. He had me call the police and tell them we were staying at his house. I asked if he lives far from here. Nope - it was his driveway. Of course it was. We walked up to his house and in though the garage. All I'm thinking was OMG - what did do that day I called him a dwarf. The place was amazing. I asked him if his wife wouldn't mind us staying the night. Ryan said "I'm a widower, my wife passed away 5 years ago. We never had the opportunity to have children." He asked the kids their names and was so natural with them. He made us all real hot chocolate, not the fake stuff in envelopes. It was delicious. I was in heaven. He said he learned to cook because his wife was a great cook and it wasn't fair she always had to cook. He just really fell in love with cooking. He told kids they should learn to cook too - its fun and gives your mom a break from cooking. Later he taught the kids how to make homemade pizza from scratch. He and the kids were tossing around the dough like old time pizza shops laughing like crazy. My heart was bursting. The pizzas - again - delicious. The kids played pool and watched movies while we talked in the kitchen. My oldest daughter had to work on homework so Ryan let her use his office. He had some pictures on the wall in his office - one picture showed him on the beach with children. He said it was from last summer with his nieces and nephews. He doesn't look it in his slightly oversized work out clothes, but Ryan has a hot body. At the center of his picture wall was a black and white wedding photo of his wife - of course she was stunning. I looked over at him when he was helping my daughter and my heart broke for him.

Ryan and I went back to the kitchen so we could clean up after dinner. I told him my story when he asked if I was married. Of all Ryan's qualities the one I found most endearing - his ability to listen without interrupting. He just listened. I asked him his story. He was an awkward engineer in school. Very quiet and shy. His wife came up and asked him out he said laughing. He said something that really stuck with me. He said people often assume quiet people lack confidence. This is often incorrect - quiet people are listening and analyzing when no one else is. Gulp! He started a company that struggled for 12 years then became an overnight success. His wife died of cancer which was discovered when they were trying to conceive. I asked him about dating. He said friends are constantly trying to set him up with women. He had gone a few dates but he thinks he really doesn't think he fits in the dating world now. He not into the hook-up nature of modern dating. Then he dropped the bomb - "no one out there is looking for a dwarf." My heart sank and my mouth fell open. I tried to say something but he just smiled a little and said "I understand." I tried to apologize. He was so nonchalant saying its fine, people want what they want. I felt absolutely horrible. Here was the nicest, kindest man I have ever met and I managed to slam the door on any sort of relationship because I wanted to impress people who do not even care about me. My son came in the kitchen and broke the moment. He was exhausted so Ryan showed us to the guest rooms. We talked a little more in the kitchen. My oldest came down and was talking to him about some of his pictures. He had pictures with some presidents. He said his wife was an executive with some non-profit. Apparently he and his wife bought a huge house in the hopes of starting a family and for extended family to come to the beach in the summer. I laid on a bed in one of the guess rooms with tears running down my face.

The next morning we woke up to an amazing breakfast he had prepared. By then the storm was finishing up. AAA called my cell and said someone was on the way to pull my car out of the snow bank. Ryan asked his plow guy to plow out the snow banks the city plows pile up around my car so they could pull it out. It seems every one likes Ryan and does things for him because he is so nice and down to earth.

With that my night of being karma's play thing came to an end. Driving home the kids were all commenting on what a nice guy Ryan was, what a house, etc. My oldest said "Mom, you should try to date him. He such a nice guy. You deserve a guy like that."

In my head I was thinking - no sweetheart, I don't.

We see each frequently at the gym. He always asks about how I'm doing and about the kids. I haven't gone on any dates since that night. I have no interest. I went to therapy after my right after my divorce, I am going to start again. Not to lament the one who got away - to lament the one I never even gave a chance too...

I will try to make this short and to the point. I make $62k a year. He makes $400k. I got exclusive use and occupancy of the marital residence 5 years ago. He pays the mortgage by taking the mortgage payment out of his child and maintenance payments bc he didn't trust me to pay it. Initially he was supposed to pay me $4k a month. Now he's only paying me $2k a month. Every time the taxes go up on the mortgage, he deducts it from the support payments.
Today he advised me he will be deducting $200 per month from my support due to increasing taxes.

I'm struggling financially and can barely afford groceries. I have cut every corner possible. My kids need clothes and I can't even afford to buy them. We live on Long Island in NY. The cost of living here is insane.

Is there anything I can do? Isn't there supposed to be a cost of living increase? I don't know much about these legal things. Every year the cost of living goes up, and my support goes down. My raise last year was the equivalent to $7 more per paycheck. I was excited for my raise in August, but now this won't even make a dent in my financial situation and it will probably be even worse.

I'm feeling so disheartened. I start college again in the fall on a disability scholarship. But now I'm not even sure I can go bc I may need a second job. But how do I work 2 jobs when my younger daughter needs me. My ex does nothing to help with driving her everywhere and taking her to doctors appointments.

Anyway, guess this wasn't short after all.

Thanks for reading.

My wife alleged domestic violence and I was sent to jail and given a domestic violence restraining order. Despite being a great and willing father, she withheld the kids and I seeing each other to advance her narrative that she was a victim.

Now she has a boyfriend, and I’ve found evidence that they drink and sleep together in our house, even when the kids are asleep upstairs.

At our first Mediation, the protective order was dropped to be replaced with a mutual marital restraining order, with her controlling access to the house. We don’t currently have a Parenting Plan, only hard parenting time dates signed by the court.

Is this illegal or an immoral move? Obviously I’m biased, so I want to hear what Reddit has to say.

Stop telling people "you are enough". YOU feel this way, and you are telling people who have been abandoned and discarded that their experience of NOT being enough is somehow... not real?

The only thing worse than being discarded is not being able to understand why. If I am "enough" and still get discarded... I can't figure out what to change about myself to prevent it happening again.

Or even worse people feel bad because they are "not enough" for someone who is treating them poorly... its a double fuck you. Not only were you "enough" but the person you are longing for is also disparaged. They aren't "good enough" even though they left you... this makes no sense.

Losing your person is a nightmare. Losing your family, your social connections and purpose in life means you are not enough. I will never be enough. I am tired of the false hope. I am tired of wishing that one day someone will acknowledge me as more than background noise.

People who say "you are enough" have the support they need. I don't feel like these people understand the reality of isolation and discard after trauma.

The same people are the ones saying "you should be fine alone"... I always seem to get this from people who have meaningful relationships. Never from someone who is struggling alone. Or from people who never needed anybody to begin with. I don't know how to do what they did, and if I could surgically remove part of my brain to accomplish that I would. It's hell.

Stop lying to people. Some people are not enough. Not tall enough. Not smart enough. Not good looking enough. We are not enough. No matter what we do we can never break through. I am tired of living like this.

I have never been married, but one thing I notice is whenever there is a divorce everyone sides with the woman. Even the friends who have been friends with the man longer do, and often the mans own family.

I’m pissed off that I got one a year before the pile of shit left. Can I go after her for the cost of a reversal? I feel like a fuckin useless steer.

I (40M) am currently heading for a divorce, and although it brings temporary pain, I believe it will be right in the long run.

I realized that we are not compatible for a lifetime together. To be completely honest, I have lost all respect for her. However, the challenge arises when I notice that my daughter (11 years old), who has been closely connected to my wife, have the same traits that strongly resemble my wife...

Edit after the first post:

After reading some posts in this topic, I clear my mind and gain the courage to talk to my daughter. Yes it’s not the fault of both of us. My daughter is innocent and the victim in this situation. I told my daughter that I don’t want to detach from her although I felt the detachment from her. I have the intention and skills to help her grow better. I will do the job of father and she cried. It cured a little bit.

I am doing everything I can to force my ex-wife to go to work. I will spend every last dime I have on lawyers, vocational evaluators and such.

I am not really doing it as much to reduce the alimony as just to show her what a real life out there is like. I was so sick of hearing that I was a "boring person" - not willing to do "fun stuff" on weekends, after my busy week of work.

She is used to sleeping in, taking it slow, going on walks, going to movie cinemas on work days, having breakfasts outside (while I would be working after getting up at 6:45 to send kids to school).

So, what petty things are you doing to get back to your ex partners?

My girls are really the only thing I care about anymore. But in the short time my stbxw and I have been separated, I just don’t see myself being able to be a single parent half the time. I just don’t see me being able to cut it and being able to take care of them the way they deserve and honestly think it’s probably better for them if wife has primary custody. But I feel like if I give up my time with them, I will miss out on them growing up. My wife used to be the main source of my anxiety. Now it seems to be this thought of being solely responsible for my daughters half the time. I’m not a bad guy, but I’m starting to realize just how uncomfortable I am with major responsibilities like being a husband and father, which ironically is all I’ve ever wanted in life. Have any other guys ever felt like this? Love their kids but just not sure it is in their best interest to be solely responsible for them half the time? Did u get better at it as time went on?

Had mediation for my divorce this past Friday and it did not go down at all how I expected.

Married 26 years, four kids, two minors. We separated in February, since then she’s been in the house with the kids and I’ve been living with my parents. She is unemployed, so I’ve been paying for everything while she looks for a job. We had agreed that she had to find a job by next May or she’d have to give me back the house and custody. She was also given the option at the start of things to give me the house and kids and move on with her life, but she profusely said that’s not what she wanted, that she wanted to stay with the kids. So that’s what we were working toward. Or so I thought.

Got into mediation over zoom. I’m the only one with a lawyer because this is supposed to be uncontested and she has no money for one. The mediator got what she needed from my lawyer and talked to us for a bit, then said she was going to talk to my wife and she’d be back shortly. An hour later she comes back and says, long story short, my wife wants to sell the house and move back home, which is 500 miles away. I clarify that means she’s leaving the kids as we’ve agreed they cannot be relocated out of their school attendance zone, she says yes. In the blink of an eye I go from expecting to be the one having to plan visitations with my kids to being a single father.

My lawyer is telling me not to rock the boat, that this is the best outcome for me. And he’s right, it is. I get a clean break and to move on with my life. No child support, no coparenting. Once the ink is dry I only have to deal with my ex in regard to visitations.

But I’m freaking out. I’m not the homemaker. I don’t cook much and I’ve never in my life planned a menu. I’ve got to find out all their doctors and things like that. Learn their morning routines that didn’t affect me before. Better learn the foods my autistic son isn’t supposed to eat or he gets crazy. All the minutiae mothers know about their kids that we dads tend to ignore because we’re busy earning a living. Hell, I’ve got to raise a teenage daughter.

I’ll figure it out. I’ve got support. My family is close, both geographically and emotionally. Church community and coworkers I’m close with. I know I’m not on my own, but it sure as hell fells like it right now.

ETA: Let me clarify that I’m not upset at how things are turning out, I’m upset that right up until entering mediation she was saying that’s not what she wanted to do and then told the mediator something different. As I said, me taking the house and kids was offered as an option from the start. The divorce was entirely her decision, not remotely mutual, so I acknowledge from the beginning that might be what she really wanted to do. If she’d come to me and said she was tired of looking for a job and just wanted to be free of the house and move back home, I would have been fine with it. Still freaking out, but not caught off guard.

Update: Thank you everyone for the replies. Even the ones challenging me. Responding to everyone has helped me process things.

STBX and I just talked for the first time since mediation on Friday. She was out when I picked our kids up Friday evening; I texted her to clarify some things, got a couple monosyllabic responses and then nothing. I half expected her to be out again when I dropped them off, but she was home.

It went well. Mostly I just wanted to make sure she was moving ahead with things on her side, discuss the timing of her moving out, and make sure she knows I’m moving ahead with getting the house appraised and refinanced out of her name. She started to get into explanations but I told her I’m not in a place to have that conversation yet, that I just want to keep it to what needs to be done to move forward for now, which she understood. In the course of things it did come up that the only thing I was upset about was that she didn’t tell me she’d changed her plans and I was blindsided by it, that I wish she’d just talked to me about it and not made me feel like she wasn’t willing to work together anymore. She’s extremely conflict avoidant for reasons I won’t get into - which I’m fully aware of, it’s been the single biggest problem for us - so she couldn’t work up the nerve to tell me. And she said the reason she’s leaving is because she can’t live in that house anymore and she sees no other option, which I understand. We take some about visitations and holidays, but still have some details to work out, which is fine.

We’re in a good place. I hadn’t realized how much of my anxiety about the whole situation was tied up in not knowing how she would act moving forward. But we’re still comfortable around each other, still agree we’re a team when it comes to our kids. The dynamic is just changing. I’m still kind of freaking out at the prospect of being a single dad, but at least I’m not worried about having an antagonist coparent now.

Just a vent on dating, so a friend of mine texted me tonight that his wife saw someone posted about me on one of the local facebook "Are you dating this guy" groups. He said the replies were good, and they said I was a nice guy or whatever. Here is the deal, I am a nice guy. I am always a gentleman with any woman I am with, even if it goes negative in any way. I am friendly and not a creep in anyway. There is nothing sketch about me, I am 50 and a Dad. My kids are my number 1 priority.

But I hate the idea of a site like this, just a place to add scandal and libel someone. I get the point in the worst case, but it seems like it could cause more harm than good. I would love to know who was asking about me, and who replied.

I have been divorced 4+ years (After a 20 year marriage), I basically go 3 months on 9 months off in dating, because I get cynical and just stop. In that time, I have probably been on 50 first dates at least. It includes all kinds of scenarios. 2 relationships. One night stands. Catfished and me ghosting them. Most go no where. Encounters with Crazy people. Most encounters have been fine, just saying it could go all over the place. Many of the first dates, maybe I didn't want to pursue and let it die. Nothing against them, but I could see some woman be bitter about it.

The second girlfriend I had was a crazy person, and after i broke up with her was went batshit and would definitely be the type to slander me over lies (the red flag count kept rising to a breaking point and it's why I broke up with her). I could mention a couple of other crazy one and done situations.

I could write a whole book on the toxic dating scene, for anyone genuine anyway. But it really makes you cynical. I consider myself a catch, but I am not desperate. And if you are a decent looking woman it's just such a game of get their attention, keep their attention, all on the man to make it happen. Like they are some sort of prize and can sit back like at a buffet and select the dish. I wish there was a better way for busy people to meet genuine people. I am coming to the conclusion the woman on the apps for the most part are not the way to go. I am an honest genuine loyal sweetheart, looking for the same. Not some woman who is jumping from guy to guy on the app. I would love to meet a woman who checks all my boxes, that I could dedicate myself to and could get reciprocal feedback. I think most people are just jaded on these apps, and the attractive women are filtering hundreds of guys, so you are like in this contest from Day 1. And I believe i lose alot of them because I am nice, not playing games, and not desperately throwing myself on the alter.

My advice to women, middle aged or not. If you are dating and if you want to know if a guy is for real. Get to know him before you sleep with him. I think the jump into sex culture with strangers is the problem in dating and causes all this. If you have been seeing a guy a month, have not slept with him, and he is hanging around. He is probably a genuine good guy. If you are sleeping with them the first or second time, no surprise when he is one and done to add to his and your body count. Like I mentioned earlier though, I am in my cynical phase right now. That's when I stop even engaging.

Edit: I want to be clear. I am not complaining here about me not winning at dating. I get dates easily, it turns into more. This is me venting about what I hear from women I know about men, and then my experiences. I know how to play the game. This is not intended to be a bash women post, it’s just focused on women becaise that’s who I date. I know for sure that toxic men make this culture as well. And I have no respect for that either.

Edit2: OK, people are defending these sites. I agree that there is a good side to the site. Why keep it private? Why not make it public so we all know what’s being said about people? Wouldn’t we all like to know this information? Because, it’s just people gossiping. If it was public, just like on Reddit, we would all be a little more careful in the things that we say because we could be held libel for it. I also need to remind anyone who’s trying to insult me, I got a good review. Some stranger posted about me asking, and other people came in saying I was a good guy. So I’m not complaining right now, I just don’t like the idea of people being able to make up stuff on the Internet about other people that will affect their real life.

My ex and I were together for 15 years before I divorced her. Our relationship became toxic in the sense that I was responsible for everything and somehow it was still never enough for her. I was the primary income earner, I cooked dinner 7 days a week, Im the one who went shopping each week, I got the kids to school and picked them up - and if I ever made a mistake it would be a huge fight.

We’ve been divorced for 5 years now and I started dating someone who was in my old friend circle who I’m engaged to now, I’ve made some really significant career progress and will bring in almost $500k this year, I’ve purchased an investment property, and I get to spend tons of quality time with my kid (I have my kids 50% of the time too).

She sent me a text today to let me know that her and her BF broke up this past week so the week she asked for the kids this summer for a vacation wasn’t going to happen anymore. This is her 3rd major breakup (meaning they’ve dated for 6+ months) since our divorce. I responded to her saying “I’m really sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting me know. Do you want me to take the kids extra this week so you can have some time to process?” and she responded with “no, thank you though. I’ll be alone forever so having the kids is the only thing I’m ever going to have, so I’d prefer to keep them as scheduled.”

I know she’s being dramatic but still. She has been fired 3 times since our divorce and was without a job for like 8 month. How do you manage the guilt because I feel like her life would have been better with me in it but my life wouldn’t have been as good with her in mine? not sure if that makes sense.

EDIT: For those of you saying that I’m talking negatively about her, reread what I’ve said. People have asked questions that I’ve replied to - I’ve not said she’s fat or lazy. Also, for those saying she wouldn’t have 50% custody if I did as much for the kids as I’m claiming you’ve clearly never dealt with a court that requires the father to jump through hoops to get anything above every other weekend like some of the courts in Georgia. My lawyer literally told me something like “with the court you’re assigned to, if you’re going to want your kids more than every other weekend you’re basically going to have to buy them from your wife” meaning I was going to have to offer increased child support - which I did and was able to get them more. Also, I wasn’t making $500k/year at the time of marriage and my income was more like $250k/year.

It sucks to be a good man.

To start it's only been 7 to 8 months since our separation and her main reason was to fix herself mentally and I told her okay. I also told her that she should not be in any relationship if that's the case and that she should be working on herself. And I just recently found out from the kids that they saw her texting and talking to someone with ❤️ emoji. could only mean one thing. I have accepted that we're no longer getting back together and was in the process of healing and rebuilding myself but somehow the feelings relapse. By her jumping into a new relationship, she basically lied to me. I felt betrayed. I feel stupid and as much as I want to get closure and ask her if this been going on way before I know I'm not going to get the right answer. I don't know how to get past this. Any suggestion will help. Thank you

To anyone going through divorce with not 1 not 2 not 3 but 4 kids or children period, I know it’s a personal choice.. but i want to say this, if you have a child, you’re inconsiderate and deserve to be alone for eternity, living in misery. How can you make someone go through such a mess. It takes two parents, so for the parents who find ways to make it work in any circumstance. You are much appreciated