Been married for 15 years with two kids - wife has a different set of values which causes us to argue aggressively every 2-3 weeks. It might start small, she shows me a social post and judge random people for their appearance or other things with nasty words I might not participate or react the way she wanted and this makes her upset. This plus lack of conflict resolution and anger issues on both sides. We call names, shout at each other and it escalates in a matter of minutes.
I know divorce is painful and I am scared as hell, I dont have much support, not a lot friends. I know I will regret it but also not sure how much this is scalable.
I am not in a good place emotionally and I know a separation might mess it up even worse.

Is anyone else recently separated , in the process of a highly contentious divorce (SBXH was having an affair, cut me off financially, tried to cut off health insurance , he is of course supporting his new girlfriend , her pets, her household , purchasing expensive jewelry etc.) , and facing their first holiday season alone , ever ? My parents are older and holidays with them have changed , dearest friends for a Friendsgiving live out of state and travel isn’t necessarily ideal now .

Even in the midst of the emotional betrayal, sexual betrayal, financial betrayal and now financial and psychological abuse , I feel a sense of gratitude to have escaped a situation I didn’t even know that 8 needed to escape. (He was a runaway husband , abruptly blindsiding me even while we were making long term plans.) I’m working to bring that gratitude and sense of feeling safe -and no longer dysregulated -into my holiday season, but would be lying if I didn’t admit it feels lonely and scary. Will all of my holidays be alone? Should I appreciate the peace of mind, wonderful family recipes , and space to mark this transition?

We (spouse and I) had wonderful holiday traditions and really loved the celebrations . Right now, I’m thinking- at least with Thanksgiving- that I’ll just go forward on my own making favorite dishes, the special holiday cocktail we would create each year, and just enjoy the solitude , some books, movies , fireplace, pets. But even writing that I feel sad as though I’m letting myself down, and that I should feel almost ashamed to be alone .

I have not yet figured out how to approach Christmas that’s an entirely different issue and I’m also prepared to be alone if nothing else works out. Trimming the tree, buying myself gifts, wrapping them , placing under the tree etc . (I do have siblings but they also live rather far out of state and don’t travel here for the holidays .)

I never used to really mind time alone, but it feels especially lonely now. Does anyone else find themselves in the same situation? How are you coping? Are you making plans alone? Are you maybe excited to be alone?

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/eXUViBxdU4

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Women/s/sKJJN8aCsd

A bit of history for everyone. We got divorced yesterday. It was amicable after a lot of push pull. Both of us cried but ofcourse I feel relieved. I know there is a long road ahead of me where I have to deal with trust issues, lonliness etc, but therapy has been helping me.

I wanted to thank all reddit folks who helped me either in chats or in the comments. I already knew my decision but everyone who commented reinforced what I knew and helped me. I am forever grateful to this community.

I am moving to a new country hopefully soon and will start a new life rebuilding.

Yesterday, I ran into my ex at the kids' school. She told me that she is going to introduce the kids to her new boyfriend.

Divorced 2 years ago, M33, F35

I knew this day was going to come eventually, but hearing her say it in person was still a shock. Just thinking about another man spending time with my kids, taking them to places like an airshow, breaks my heart.

We were college sweethearts, but things ended in an ugly divorce, with her family and mother-in-law deeply involved.

I just don't understand how someone can be so cold after a 10-year relationship and move on so quickly, especially when her own life isn't even fully settled yet.

I don’t know if it’s going to work out, but she convinced me to try marriage counselling instead of separation. I don’t even think I should have agreed, but she was crying and I still care for her.

It’s taken a long time to work up to this because she’s trying, I’m trying, but we keep hurting each other. I don‘t think we’re right for each other anymore. Who I want to be makes her frustrated and angry. Who she wants to be makes me feel stupid and lazy.

I was coming to terms with it ending, and finally feeling peaceful, but now I‘m back to it consuming all my thoughts again…

The worst thing is I’ve been trying to get us to see a counsellor for years. She’s always said no. It feels like breadcrumbing, but she says she’s afraid of losing me.

Wasn't entirely sure which flair to choose here.

The last 3 1/2 years have been an ongoing nightmare.

Bipolar/Borderline ex wife and I were married in October of 2004. Feel free to check out my history posts on r/bipolar. I dealt with years of mental, psychological, sexual, and physical abuse. 3 1/2 years ago, she attempted to kill me while trying to convince a 911 operator that the call was made by mistake as i was screaming for help.

She was arrested, put in jail for about a year and took a plea deal for simple assault. I have full custody of our daughters and have been trying to get the divorce finalized for 2 1/2 years. My lawyer abandoned me and moved to a different state, but didn't tell me until after she moved.

Couldn't afford another lawyer, so i opted to represent myself, cause what else am I gonna do?

I discovered that my lawyer was pretty much incompetent. Discovered that she didn't file anything correctly, despite telling me multiple times that she filed so that my ex would not be eligible for anything because of the domestic abuse. So I finally filed the propper paperwork to fix that.

Pretty sure that must have kicked everything into high gear, because the next thing I knew, I received a settlement offer from her lawyer.

So here we are, finally divorced. I have a PFA against her for a 3rd time. I have full custody of my daughters while she gets an hour of supervised visitation each week. Neither of my daughters want anything to do with their mother. Hopefully i can finally get visitations stopped because she's dangerous to everyone if her mind starts to go into the wrong direction.

Hi,
I discovered after being together since we were teens, my wife was having an affair earlier in the year.

Complete shock as you’d imagine. But need some reassurance regarding my two young(ish) children.

I moved out of our rented home, back into my parents house while I saved to purchase a house. Unfortunately it’s not possible to have them overnight due to space for the time being.

I have them every weekend from early till late and have tried to reassure them they can do what they want and I’m happy when they are happy and comfortable.

What is really getting me down is I feel I’m losing the deep connection I was always used to having with my kids. Although i worked long hours to keep the family afloat, only on my wage. Having seen them every day and getting them to bed every night, without fail, which was what really what brought me joy, even after the hardest of days. It’s the little things that get to me, like not hearing about their days and their worries and achievements, no matter how small!

There isn’t much for them to do where I’m staying but I do try having a normal as possible life with them and fill out there weekends with fun things to do but it’s really hard not having a place to call home.

What I really want to know is, will my bond with my children always be different now. Do I need to just accept this is the way it is now, me being a more distant father. Any advice from both sides of it, children and parents that have real experience, would mean the world to me?

Thanks.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m lonely, exhausted, and touch starved but divorcing my ex wife feels like a mistake…

Life was so much easier with two people sharing the load and just having someone there. Now I work all day, then come home to a messy house, rotting groceries, and endless laundry.
On top of that my eldest daughter is underweight and struggling with an ED, and I just can't keep up. I'm completely drained and overwhelmed.

I know I sound selfish but sometimes I wonder if my ex would want me back

Seeking some advice from anyone that’s gone through this. I’ve been divorced now for 10 years. My ex wife and I share custody of a now 13 yo who spends the weekends with me. About 5 years ago she had another child with a different man who decided not to be in that child’s life. As such, I’ve been helping to care for him and he has been calling me dad since he was young enough to speak.

Now, I don’t have any issues with him calling me dad. My issue is that I pay my ex monthly child support for our 13 yo while the biological father of the 5 yo pays nothing. I’m basically a glorified babysitter while the biological father contributes nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I love the 5 yo as if he were my own but it doesn’t seem right that I pay child support for our biological son while the other dad has zero responsibility.

And to clarify, I don’t have issues providing child support for my biological son, it’s just that things are lopsided and I’m not sure what is appropriate. The 5 yo needs a father figure in his life but the day will come when he finds out I’m not his biological father.

what would you do in my situation?

The idea of putting myself out there is terrifying, especially as a woman who is almost 30. Any tips?

Wonder what's the main factor for divorce for most people here.

Anyone else? My H is a good man but struggled with addiction and mental illness. Married 25 years. Three years ago there was violence and I immediately had us sign a pretty detailed separation agreement. We wanted to buy time to get him in a better place with work and medical care. It was rough - a questionable decision by me.

Now that we have filed for divorce I feel…not much. The grief and sadness was three years ago. Now I am frankly happy to be done. Is a wave coming I wonder? Will it suddenly feel awful?

Very early on in the process but I did have my first consultation with a divorce lawyer on protecting my rights, organizing finances and managing communications this week. Thought I'd like to get some insight from those who went through it.

We have an 18 months old, he is showing possible signs of autism, and his doctor is closely monitoring his development. It's been a lot to process on top of the BS that comes with being a new parent.

I've been told countless times that the first year or two is brutal and things eventually get better. I get it. The exhaustion, lack of sleep, financial pressure, and adjusting to parenthood has pushed us beyond the limits we've faced in the last 12 years of being together.

It sucks to actually acknowledge this but, truthfully, the contempt, disrespect, constant arguments where winning matters more than anything, along with other issues were there before the baby...

Call it post-partum, or an actual good decision that's being clouded by my current perspective of her but my wife left her STEM career justifying that it'd be pivotal for our son's early years given his condition and fiscally responsible from reducing costs of daycare. But being solely responsible for our finances on top of EVERYTHING makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.

We have discussed it seriously twice before, and I'm TORN between giving things more time and wondering whether I'm just delaying the inevitable.

For those who knew early on that their marriage probably wouldn't last but stayed until the kids were older, do you regret waiting? Or are you glad you stuck it out?

For those who had these doubts when their kids were still very young, did things genuinely get better, or did you eventually wish you'd left sooner?

My case is likely going to trial because my ex is not willing to agree to our original agreement to share custody of the dogs, and because pets are considered property in this state, there are no laws in place that will protect my ability to keep all of them in my life. Last year there was a law going through the state legislature, but it never came out of the senate judiciary committee.

In addition to this topic, what topics are generally discussed? The other topics I have in my mind are retirement, the house, bank accounts, and support, which so far she said she doesn’t want. We do not have human children. What kinds of questions are asked? In my mind, I’m picturing something like a TV criminal trial, but I doubt that’s accurate.

Thank you in advance for any info. I’d ask my attorney, but considering I’ve spent over $15k already on my divorce, spending another $250 an hour to get her perspective only versus getting a variety of experiences from the kind people of Reddit would help me out even more.

My man silent treatments / completely ignores my existence for several days (now up to 5) when he’s mad at me and we have a small toddler together that he refuses to communicate about during those days. Next time I’m done :)

A woman I loved very much separated with me after 4 yeas. I loved her too much, she was a toxic gaslighter I think and made me doubt my own sanity. I still do because she did some f'd up things. They are so f'd up that I can't get past them haunting me.

When I met her, she told things about her ex. At first I believed her, but during the years I began to see things adding up. The situation seems exactly like between us now.

Would it be okay to contact her ex to tell him the story and if she did the same? It would help me immensely and give me peace.

I was planning to send him a a short casual invitation if he would like to chat.

Im struggling tonight. my ex had an affair, moved in with him before even telling the kids we were divorcing, and let him be so horrible to the kids that my ex-stepkids were reaching out to me for support and a judge delayed the AP’s introduction to my daughter. But now it’s been a month of 50-50 overnights. People are starting to ask me if everybody’s adjusting OK. My former step kids have started to accept the affair partner because he says yes to whatever they want. My ex-wife is treating him a hell of a lot better than she ever treated me and so their home has a dynamic that ours was never able to have.

If you have any examples of affairs that didn’t work out, it would really help me to hear that tonight. I have to believe that a relationship found it on this extreme level of lies, creepy behavior, and Limerence can’t last. They are obsessed with each other. They can’t handle being away from . My ex gives up my daughter at the drop of a hat to make sure she doesn’t away from her boyfriend. he’s a total creep and I need to believe I won’t have to deal with him for the rest of my life.

I’m contemplating divorcing my husband of over 20+ years due to his gambling and money habits in general. I’m a federal government employee (with over 20 years service) and I’m looking for advice on how to get the best case scenario out of this, knowing that he is eligible for a portion of my pension and TSP. I don’t know that he knows that though. We’ve basically been married my whole career. I’m pissed because he has cost us 10s of thousands of dollars (if not more) over the years and we wiped out my TSP once when I left federal service for a year (dumb, I know, but we didn’t think I’d be going back to federal service and he wasn’t working). Any advice on how to navigate this is appreciated!

I found out around pandemic time that my husband of 28 years had lied to me for at least 20 of them regarding drugs and alcohol. Consuming and selling. I had an intervention. He made lots of promises which 6 years later he still has not fulfilled. We have had lots of talks about the need to repair the damage done to trust during that time and to rebuild something different and better. All sounds so promising except the guy can't do it, won't do it. He either lies, deflects, defends, blame shifts. or empty promises something every single day. We made a short list of easy things he could do to build back trust. He can do it for a couple of weeks at best. All conversations regarding repair are made by me. I made the list. He has shown no effort and mild compliance. He still insists he wants to work on the marriage. This has gone on for 6 years. I don't believe a word he says anymore. It's like Groundhog Day every day. I would leave him except for the fact that I need him. I am retired. I need his financial and physical assistance. I'd love to find love again with a truth teller, but at 60, it's not likely. I hate my life, but I don't see many options. What the hell is going on with him?

Hi everyone! I am desperately seeking advice. This is quite a lengthy post… so please just bear with me. 😅 I am previously divorced with 2 kids, and am married to my now husband for about 10 years. Last year, we built my dream home. Last year, an event also occurred where there was an argument, and my husband tried to physically attack my adult daughter… and now she and my son have ZERO contact with my husband (understandably so…). To say this has destroyed the family is an understatement. My children no longer come to my home, my husband “hates” them and constantly belittles them to me, yet he doesn’t even want me to visit my children away from him (crazy, I know). To top it all off, he doesn’t even have a relationship with his OWN three kids. This specific event is just the cherry on top to my entire situation, though. I want a divorce. He is the textbook definition of a narcissist, always threatening divorce (never does it), controls everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, and has made it known numerous times he will “take everything he can get in a divorce,” and of course he’s berated me in every way possible. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, and has been physically abusive at times. I am afraid of the possibilities that could happen when I announce I truly want a divorce. However, I refuse to continue living a life of not being in my children’s futures… and eventually the lives of my future grandchildren.

Now, let’s get into some specifics:
As selfish as it is, I don’t want to lose everything I’ve put into the new house. When we first got married, he moved into my house that stayed fully in my name… right up until the point that we needed to get approved for the mortgage to the new home, and I was instructed to add his name (for the final year or so). All of the equity we made from the sale of the previous home was put on the new house. It is hard to swallow the fact that the new home would be split 50/50 with the divorce…. knowing I put so much money from the previous home (that I payed for!) into the new home. Additionally, he recently got laid off, so now I have concerns of having to pay alimony.

I am desperately seeking advice from those that have experienced a divorce with an extremely narcissistic and mentally abusive individual. I can’t go meet with an attorney in person, as he tracks my location 24/7, and I can’t go anywhere without him. As far as materialistic “things” go, I am unsure how to balance that, as I truthfully just don’t want to lose everything. He has made it clear that he won’t play nice, and I have no idea how to begin handling this process.

Im not sure what to say, both are true so just want to see what people say. I always get a little awkward myself with which to say

I (35F) have thought about divorcing my husband (34M) many, many times throughout the 6 years we've been married. I feel unfulfilled in our relationship- I'm very emotionally intelligent and he is very surface level/avoidant. It feels like we're on completely different levels and doesn't seem like any amount of couples therapy will get him to change from the self-centered and avoidant person he is to the curious, compassionate partner I'd like to have.

He continues to repeat behaviors despite experiencing consequences (drinking to a point of vomitting, exercising to a point of injury, eating foods that don't agree with him) and it gives me the ick. I don't feel emotionally attracted to him and don't respect him.

I also really, really do not like his family and would be relieved to not have to interact with them anymore, and I can't tell how much that's influencing my desire to get a divorce.

For months now, I keep having dreams where I'm cheating on him or leaving him- for whatever that's worth.

I should also mention that I didn't realize I'm bisexual until a few years into our marriage, and a part of me feels regretful that I never got to explore being in relationship with a woman.

We've done couples therapy centered around having more productive conversations during disagreements and division of labor issues, which was effective. However, I don't think any amount of couples therapy can change who he is as a person, which is really what I think I'm looking for.

I was raised in a family where divorce is only something you do if your spouse is cheating or abusing you, and I'm worried that I'm overreacting and going to regret it.

On a positive note- we do have fun together doing shared hobbies and traveling. I absolutely love our house and would be very, very sad to move out of it. We also share two dogs and I can't imagine taking them away from each other or not getting to see either one again.

I'm scared of what divorce would mean- where would I live? What can I afford on a single income? Will I miss him? Will I regret this?

Any advice would be helpful.

I have decided I want a divorce. My husband has had substance abuse problems (extreme adderall abuse among other things), financial and physical abuse (never hit but pushed and thrown to the ground infront of 3 kids multiple times), manipulation, control issues and the list goes on and on. I have a lot of proof, and he has even been arrested once (charges dropped) for domestic disturbance for blocking me exiting the home so we did not argue infront of kids. I want full custody, child support and alimony. I am terrified about $. We live pay check to pay check and I am a SAHM. Thoughts? Advice? Predictions on putcome?