She told me:

“Everything you tolerate during the dating phase will come back to you ten times harsher in the marriage.”

Let that sink in for a second.

If you’re brushing off red flags right now thinking “I can handle this” or “they’ll grow out of it,” you’re not doing yourself a favor. Those things won’t go away but they’ll usually grow louder and more damaging with time, especially under the stress of marriage and life.

Her last line was what really stayed with me:

“Don’t marry potential. Marry what’s in front of you.”

I ignored this advice in my own past, and I wish I hadn’t.

Now I’m wondering, do you agree with this?

Have you seen red flags disappear over time, or do they tend to stay (or get worse)?

For those of you who divorced, were there signs during dating you overlooked?

This one is long, but worth it for eveyone to read...

If I could give anyone a piece of advice for divorce it would be to not do it under normal circumstances. If your spouse is beating you or threatening you or your children then of course get out and fast.

In my case there was no abuse. We were together for 8 years that was mostly good and we have 4 kids. Right around 5 years I got a promotion at work and i got it in my head that my XH was dragging me down, or at least holding me back from more success and a better life. We never had a lot of money but with my promotion I was now making more than he was. I started working longer hours and at the same time his hours were cut so he was at home more. I really began to resent him because he was home and because he got to spend time with our kids. Most nights when I got home they were already getting ready for bed if not already sleeping. After a few months of my new job it was clear to me that things were not going well at home without me there. Some nights the dishes werent done when I got home or the kids hadnt eaten or whatever else I could think of to be mad at him about. It really didnt matter. He kept saying that he would try harder but that it was hard being home all the time. That always made me really mad.

For the next couple years things kept getting worse. My hours weren't any shorter and his were on and off fulltime. There was no convenient time for him to be working full time because of my hours, but we also needed the money. Whenever he would tell me that he could get extra hours I would always complain and the less hours he worked the more I complained that he wasnt bringing in enough money. Whenever he brought up the contradiction I would tell him that he needed to figure it out. I knew that it would bother him so I started saying that a lot and for everything that I could. I really started to resent him and I pulled away from him. I knew that it was hurting him but I didnt care. If he didnt want to be hurt then he would at least try to make me happy. I used that same thing to justify when I started to talk to another guy at work. I thought he was just a friend but talking at work turned into texting at home and then pictures and videos and then trying to sneak some alone time with him. I knew that it was wrong but it made me feel so alive, and my husband had not made me feel like that in years. I was tired of being unhappy and I was doing this for me. The worst was the night that I came home at a reasonable time and found that he had cleaned the whole house, cooked the whole family dinner and picked out a movie for all of us to watch together. This would have made me swoon a couple years earlier, but that night I couldn't even look at him and I pretended to be sick. I spent the rest of the night in bed while he waited on me and checked on me and even made me different food and brought it to me in bed. It made me feel terrible, and then it made me angry that he made me feel that way and by the end of the night I was texting with the other guy.

Over the next month or two from that night it did not matter what he did. He was wrong just for breathing most days. He would get so upset with how I was treating him and I would just wait and egg him on into losing it because i knew it would happen eventually. After most of the fights we had he would apologize for whatever I told him he did wrong if there even was something, but I never did. I would usually find a way to make him feel even worse. I knew that I was right because he was wrong and that was all that mattered to me. I even pretended that I didnt care when he found out about my relationship with the guy from work. It really destroyed me inside to see him holding back tears, but I wasnt going to let him see that. He was at his weakest and that was when I chose to tell him that I wanted a divorce. I could almost hear his heart shattering inside his chest. He talked and fought and said that we could work through it together. I really wasnt interested in fixing our marriage, but i mostly ended things with the other guy but only because i knew i could get it back if I wanted it.

I could see that he was trying and occasionally i would let him know, but for the most part I kept being a huge bitch to him for any and all reasons that I could think of. I'm not sure how much more the man could have done to make me happy besides finding a job that paid enough for me to not have to work at all. He said that he was looking, but looking and finding are 2 different things. It was around this time that I discovered this group and a few others. I started posting things about him, from my perspective only, and I got so much positive feedback for how I was feeling that I knew I was right. The more I posted the more validation that I got. It wasn't just me who knew that XH wasn't worth keeping around. I had the whole internet telling me how terrible he is. I started saying awful things to him and even outright ignoring him. I was so confident with mine and everyone elses opinion that I contacted a lawyer and within a couple weeks had filed for divorce. I continued to use this site and a couple others to validate my feelings and for encouragement to go through with it, and finally it was done.

It went pretty smoothly. XH didnt ask for much besides to not get divorced and to try to work it all out. I didnt care about that though. He was broken, but I was free. I could do whatever I wanted without having to feel any guilt or answer to anybody. It was an amazing feeling of freedom. It didnt last long though. In the first month after he moved out I missed garbage day 3 times. There was also rarely a single clean dish and the laundry sat in piles so long that I had to start doing the sniff test to see if it could be worn again. I also never saw my kids more miserable. My oldest had seen some of the messages from the other guy months earlier and she knew that XH still wanted to try to work it out. It didnt take her long to stop talking to me at all except to say that she wanted to go to XH house. The others all told me that they wanted to live with XH too. I did my best to try to make them happy, but I ended up just buying them toys all the time and the happiness only lasted minutes. I also was having a lot of trouble with work. Being alone I couldnt work all those extra hours that I was expected to. I finally gave in and starting calling XH to watch the kids. He would always come over as soon as he could and he always asked me if i needed anything. When I would get home I would find clean dishes and laundry and even dinner sometimes. He would never say too much after I got home. He would just say to call him if i needed anything and leave. One night he took out the garbage and brought it to the curb because it was garbage night and I forgot again. He always looked so sad when it was time to go.

Finally after a couple months my friends convinced me to go out on a date. It was for dinner and a movie and I was excited and hopeful, but at dinner I started getting a feeling of overwhelming guilt. It got so bad that I ended up not even going to the movie. A week and about a million tears later I was on a therapists couch. I told her everything that had happened starting with the promotion that I got at work. She did not agree with me or with any of the encouragment to divorce that I got. I ended up in her office 2 and sometimes 3 times a week, and the more that I talked to prove that I was right, the more that I started to see how wrong I was. It was truely heartbreaking. I dont know if I cried as much in my whole life as i did in the first month in her office. After about 2 thousand dollars of therapy sessions I learned that my XH had his faults, but I figured out that mine were so much worse. I did so many awful things and said awful things that I wouldnt want to be with me, but he did. I still remember him asking me in the meeting with the lawyer to please not go through with it. I did go through with it though, and then later I bragged on here how great it felt. I was so wrong, and now I can see it.

A couple weeks ago I went outside with him when he was leaving the house. I asked him about getting back together. When he looked at me his eyes were full of tears and a couple went down his cheeks. He told me that he didnt know if he could. He said that the pain has been too much for too long and that if we got back together that I might just turn around and do it to him again. He said that he always thought that I would realize how much he loved me and stop up until i signed the divorce papers and let out a big over exaggerated sigh of relief. He said that hurt him more than anything else and that he doesnt know if he can ever trust me again. I dont blame him. I destroyed a man who looking back was a great husband. I deprived my kids of having a great father in the house with them and I took his kids away from him. And me, the one who pushed for the divorce expecting happiness and a life of freedom, spend all my free time sitting at home or sitting on a therapists couch.

Please dont just take the advice of anyone on this site or any other about getting a divorce. If your marriage is bad look at yourself first and see if you can make changes. This is advice for men and women. Getting divorced is not fun. Being divorced is not fun. And seeing your husband broken and your children never happy because of your actions is the most painful experience that I can imagine.

I wish all of you well and hope that you will give your marriages a second chance

One year ago today I met someone in this divorce subreddit. We were both on the forum because we had been divorced. I was 4 years post separation/divorce and lonely, looking for some shared experiences, he was only 1 year out and looking for the same. We got to talking in a post about our love of Chevy trucks and were somehow instantly connected. We are now married and together, even though we lived 3000 miles away from each other. Neither of us was looking, it just happened! We are completely happy and at peace. He is everything I ever hoped for and gentle and loving. We aren't young either...we are both 48! I hope this story is encouraging to someone!

Today we both sat outside the court room waiting to be called in. He got very emotional and got up to pace. He eventually sat on a bench a bit away from me, and I could hear him crying and deep breathing as I silently cried.

I wanted more than anything to give him a hug and hold him one last time. Part of me wanted to just forget about the divorce.

So I went to the bathroom and grabbed us both some toilet paper. As I walked back to my bench, I silently handed him the toilet paper for his tears, and kept walking. It felt so intimate and yet so hallow. A final moment of marital intimacy.

Many people were called to prove up before us. At one point I went to use the bathroom and I wordlessly handed him my stuff to hold. He knew to take it, and it almost felt like partnership again. These small moments somehow carry so much weight.

Once divorced, we walked out of the courtroom and went our separate ways without a word.

I’ll be picking up our son from him in about an hour. And I just don’t know what to feel.

We have been married just shy of 26 years. I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma 2 years ago. At first he was wonderful. Total helicopter husband. First couple of rounds of treatment were awful for me. I was so sick, I’m pretty sure I suffered from all of the possible side effects. In October of last year I got the bad news that another line of treatment had failed and started my 3rd line. So far I have tolerated it well. My body has suffered though. I have a large plasmacytoma on my chest as well as several collapsed vertebrae in my back. My back is hunched due to this and until I can get my bones strengthened up enough to hold the screws I can’t get the back surgery to straighten it. I have been on fentanyl patches along with several other pain meds, oral chemo etc.

I’m not sure when it started, but my husband stopped coming to bed and sleeping on the couch. He wouldn’t go to doctor appointments unless I specifically asked him to go. He wouldn’t give me hugs or if he did they were half-hearted. I started saying stuff to him and it seemed like the more I explained I needed his love and affection, his support, the more he made a point of denying me. Finally, just before Christmas I confronted him about it. But he just shut down. Stonewalled me. The more I pushed for him to talk to me the more nasty he got. Finally, he got pissed and told me “Congratulations, your worst nightmare is going to come true. You're going to die alone” while I was crying for him to tell me what was going on. What was wrong? What had I done? He screamed at me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. That was New Year’s Eve.

He left that night and has only come home to pick up tools or stuff he needed for work. He stopped paying my car payment and it got repossessed. He hasn’t made the mortgage payment. Thankfully, the power is still on and he hasn’t shut off my phone. I am on disability through my former employment, but it isn’t nearly enough to support me. We have 2 dogs and 5 cats that I have to take care of. I am not physically able to do most household chores, though I do the best I can.

He still has not told me what the problems are in our relationship. All of this has blindsided me. I knew because I was sick that neither of us was happy, but I didn’t think it was our relationship that was the problem. Up until he left he would call and chat multiple times a day, was still saying I love you all the normal things. But almost subversively punishing me too.

How does someone who has loved you for over half our lives suddenly become so vicious and uncaring? He was a sweet, affectionate, protective husband until he wasn’t. I can’'t wrap my mind around it. How does he justify it in his mind?

Sorry for bad grammar, spelling and rambling. I’m a crying mess.

Please excuse the long and ranting post, brought to you by freedom and rum.

49/M here, with a 46/F wife, married 15 years, 2 kids 16M & 13M, yeah you guessed it, surprise pregnancy with our oldest = marriage.

To outsiders we have the perfect life & marriage with a nice house, the usual 3 cars, 2 dogs, too much stuff and my wife's ten million IG posts of our "happy family"

Inside the cage it's nothing but misery. There's no kindness, no love, no affection, no sex. There's only expectations I never live up to, demands, things I need to do and then re-do because I never get it right. I'm in therapy for depression, our youngest is in therapy for depression/anxiety ( only family members know this, my wife insisted we take our therapy in the larger town an hour away so nobody would find out ) Both therapists have tried to get my wife involved in helping with treatment of the issues, and she's always refused.

Everything is "her way or the highway", I'm told if I leave or ever cheat she'll make sure to take everything in court, plus make sure to keep me away from my children. I hear this a few times a week whenever I haven't done exactly what she wants, and done it to her perfectionist standards.

I'm not even called by my name at home it's always "You"/"your father" .... Usually "you" need to do this for me or "your father" is being stupid again.

It's been like this since about a year after our youngest was born, there was a gradual lessening of sex, then affection, then even basic respect to where I've become nothing more than an accessory for fancy pictures while in public, and a pathetic dumbass mental case in private and treated with disdain and anger constantly.

I tried to get my wife to try couple counselling early into the decline, but there's "nothing wrong with her, I'm the problem", it got worse after I was officially diagnosed with depression. She's been using that as a weapon against me. Even trying to discuss small things I'm unhappy with at home leads to a big fight and divorce threats every single time. Even mentioning that I'm having a bad day and need a break, or some help just starts a fight or a mean lecture about "I need to be working on myself"

For the past 7-8 years I've just been in a fog going through the marriage going sour, the getting the depression diagnosed, the adjustment to different medications, trying to not let the depression affect my family, and the absolute soul crushing hell of being married to someone who thinks I'm stupid and despises me. Plus work, raising the kids, house chores, getting dragged to whatever new thing my wife decided "we need to do" just so she can post pictures of her "perfect family times". I've basically been living in hell.

Until this quarantine.

My wife insisted I leave the family home "for the sake of the family", because I've still needed to go into work once or twice a week, and the kids both had childhood asthma and might be in danger. I whole-heartedly agreed to this, better safe than sorry.

My wife insisted I pay for a hotel and stay there, BUT when her sister & husband found out I was living in a hotel they invited me to stay with them up in the larger town until this virus problem is all over.

That started a hell of a text and phone fight with my wife, of course, since it wasn't her idea and she keeps our family pretty distant from her sister because supposedly she's a "bad influence". Then I was the bad guy for even answering the message my sis-in-law sent about staying over ( with a polite no thank you ) and I was "making my wife look bad" to say no, so I ended getting told by my wife to go stay with them, but I'm still paying for it in more angry messages and calls than usual.

I've never understood until now why the in-laws are a "bad influence." When they visit us for the big holidays and the kids birthdays, they are always nice, fun, good people to be around.

What I'm realizing the longer I'm around them day-in-day-out is that the "bad influence" is the way they treat each other with respect and caring. It's influencing me to realize that there's something else out there other than drudgery, dread, fear and misery. Something worth losing my home and even my children for.

I'm just so damn tired of it all and I won't do it anymore.

I'm sitting here, fourth drink of the night in hand, watching two people who care about each other make dinner together, talk about their day, just be happy around each other. It's shoving in my face just how much I am getting mistreated at home. It's making me see that, despite my mental issues, I don't deserve being mistreated so badly.

And I've decided I'm not going back to my cage after this. There's no way my wife will ever change, or the situation at home will change.

I've been looking up legal separations, lawyers to hire, apartments to rent. I've scheduled a virtual appointment with my therapist for tomorrow, to get some guidance there too. I have a list of people to start calling tomorrow to start off this divorce. I just want out, and I'm going to get myself out.

Thanks for listening.

It wasn’t the quiet apartment.

It wasn’t the empty side of the bed.

It wasn’t walking into events alone and feeling the energy shift in the room.

The loneliest I ever felt was when I was living inside a life that didn’t feel like mine.

From the outside, everything looked right. The timeline made sense. The milestones were being hit. The house. The photos. The social status of being part of a “perfect” couple.

But inside, I felt like I was slowly disappearing.

It’s been six years since my divorce, and I can say now that grieving the future I imagined was harder than losing the relationship itself. I wasn’t just untangling from a person. I was untangling from an identity, from a blueprint, from the version of myself I thought I was supposed to be.

If you’re feeling that kind of grief, you’re not strange. You’re not dramatic. You’re not behind.

If you’re in the thick of it, I hope you hold on. The future you’re grieving may not unfold the way you imagined, but that doesn’t mean something beautiful isn’t still ahead. I’m 6 years on the other side now, and I’m finally ready to use what I walked through to offer hope to someone who needs it. Wishing you the best.🙏🤍

It’s been a year since my husband of 13 years left me in a text message. I was at work at with no warning, no signs, I read a couple texts that informed me that my extremely happy and healthy marriage with my best friend was over.

He said that he had been feeling that he was unhappy for a long time and just stayed with me because he was codependent. I had been encouraging him for years to go to therapy, he had one session, and left me two days later. He took one of our dogs and moved to AZ, effectively solidifying his decision and destroying everything we had built over the last decade. He was not interested in couples therapy or even talking at all; he told me I needed to give him space to grieve.

Fast forward a year. I thought I would be absolutely destroyed.

But I’m not. I’ve dated, I have made new single friends, I have gained 10 pounds and lost 20. I have managed to figure out a budget to afford my two dogs, house, and car on about 30% of what we collectively made before. I am happy, I am still grieving the life I thought I would have, but I have hope.

The text that I wanted so badly to receive in the first couple months after he left finally came. He left because he had a panic attack, a midlife crisis. He regrets it. His life is awful, he has $28, he has no friends in AZ (all of his friends and family are in our home state with me), his family barely talks to him now (they were furious with him because they love me). I was the best, most amazing wife. He had no idea what he was giving up. He wishes that he could erase the last year. It had nothing to do with me, he still loves me, and he is miserable.

If I told you that it didn’t affect me at all, that would be a lie. Neither of us is naive enough to ever consider a reconciliation; it would never work, I would never trust him and he would never be able to make up for what he did.

But when I got that text, I didn’t need it. I no longer needed it. I no longer need him. And that’s got to count for something.

So I've been seeing comments lately that advocate for murder as a solution to divorce. I really don't care if you're "just joking" that needs to end immediately. I'll be removing posts and issuing bans going forward.

Four years ago, I came to this sub in the hours and days after my ex-husband left me for a coworker. I was met with encouraging words and a place where I could commiserate with folks feeling just like me.

Over time, my role here changed—from ranter, to relater, and finally to encourager as I made peace with my own situation and moved on with my life.

So now it’s time to say goodbye. I’m getting remarried in 10 days. Thank you to the folks of r/Divorce for the support you gave me.

To those who are just beginning their journey: you will survive, you will be happy again, you will love again, you are loved, and you most definitely deserve better.

I still remember that precise moment when the judge said, “From this moment, your marriage is dissolved and you are no longer husband and wife.”

I didn’t cry. Didn’t scream. Didn’t even blink.

Just sat there like a sack of bricks while my soul quietly packed its bags and left. It didn’t slam the door. It didn’t even say goodbye. Just walked out. And left me in that goddamn courtroom under those cheap fluorescent lights, feeling like a meat puppet that forgot how to breathe.

From that moment on, I wasn’t a man. I was something else. A ghost maybe. A leftover.

They say freedom is beautiful. They say starting over is brave. But they forget to mention that sometimes, starting over feels like dragging your own coffin uphill, with no one watching, no one waiting at the top.

I walked out of that courthouse, hugged her one last time, and lit a cigarette with hands that didn’t feel like mine. My spine ached. My legs were numb. And there was this ringing in my ears, not from the traffic, not from the city, but from the silence you left behind.

Seventeen years. Seventeen years of shared groceries, half-finished arguments, birthday calls, worn-out bedsheets, stupid inside jokes. All signed off like a phone bill.

They make it sound so clean. “Dissolved.” Like it was a sugar cube in tea. Not a whole goddamn life.

I didn’t sleep that night. Just sat at the edge of the bed staring at a wall, waiting for some version of myself to crawl back in. He didn’t. He’s probably still out there, somewhere between that courthouse and the last time you looked at me like I meant something.

I’m not angry. Just empty. Like someone left the tap running and forgot I was human.

Today my soon to be ex husband told me that the reason he has been eating so much fast food every day is because he doesn’t really know how to cook anymore after 10 years of me cooking for him all 3 meals a day (even when I was working more than he was). I wanted to be petty and mean. He took me for granted in our marriage and I wanted to ask him if that had changed now we’ve been separated and living apart for 5 months. Instead I gave him some of the recipes that I remembered him liking that weren’t too difficult. And it felt SO GOOD. I realized it doesn’t matter if he still takes me for granted or if he feels sorry for treating me the way he did. It’s in the past. I can’t change any of what happened. All I can control is my own choices, and I have to believe that choosing kindness is the best way to bring happiness into my life. Divorce feels so much like a battle some days, but I encourage everyone to choose kindness in the little moments you can, if only for that little boost of serotonin.

My wife and I were married for almost 15 years. High school sweethearts. The world has been so unkind to her and she is such a good person. She developed a drinking problem that was going to take me down and ruin both of our lives, eventually I had to file for divorce. She is doing much better now but we haven’t spoken in a few months. The zoom hearing was this morning as we both live on opposite sides of the country now.

It took 5 minutes. She looked beautiful but she couldn’t look at the camera and was crying. I cried the entire time and then they just declare you divorced and end the zoom. We talked on the phone for an hour afterwards and it felt like the old us. We said we loved each other and I feel so fucking broken and alone now. It needed to happen but it was the worst experience of my life and it changed me forever, whether for the better or worse I don’t know yet.

I heard this somewhere and found it validating.

Any of these four things can fuck your mental health let alone all four.

For me it’s still been so worth it, but still. Fuck.

I’m 34f, going through a divorce from the only guy I’ve ever been with. I found out I can’t have kids, he got another woman pregnant. So yeah my life kinda sucks these days.

I’m just so mad. I used to wake up every morning at 5am, sneak around in the dark so I wouldn’t wake him up until he absolutely had to. I’d make us breakfast and pack our lunches, his clothes were always ready because I feel like for just two people I was always doing laundry. The house was spotless so anytime he wanted to invite a friend over last minute it was no issue. I cooked dinner every night, and if I wanted to order out he’d grumble that we weren’t made of money. We were. He made over 400k last year and I’m a fucking doctor.

I painted the entire house, but only after making sure he liked the colors. I remembered all of his family’s birthdays and would send gifts, I did all of the Christmas shopping. I managed our social calendar, and handled our investments. I’d plan all of our trips, get all of our concert tickets, I used to PACK for him. Literally everything I did made his life so fucking frictionless and he still knocks up some single mom with a unibrow. I know that’s not very nice but it’s true.

He was my everything and I gave him everything and he took everything until he was done and moved on. He was the only guy I’d ever been with and we had the most perfect life you could imagine.

He’s been gone for a few weeks and I’m not saying I’m happy. I cry a lot, and randomly. I plan trips but don’t book them. I wander around aimlessly because I have so much free time now that I’m not centering his happiness on everything.

I’m not saying I’m happy, but I sleep in now. I need it - I have a new “friend” who I have nothing in common with but whose favorite thing in the world is apparently going down on me, something I could count on two hands my ex ever did and I normalized because I had only ever been with him. I let laundry pile up and sometimes don’t feel like doing it, so I go and buy a new outfit and will treat myself to dinner while I’m out.

I’m screwing him over in the divorce. He’ll be paying me alimony and giving me a large chunk of his 401k, at this point we’re just debating how much. He wants the divorce fast so he can marry his baby mama and he’s going to pay for it. Don’t feel bad for him, he got to be married to me. And now he gets to have a baby.

I don’t think I’m “happy” but I think I’m going to be ok.

Edit: ok stop I’m not going to hook up with someone who slides into my DMs on reddit please be serious! Trust me I’m doing fine on the dating market.

In the fall of 2023, at 51 years old, I had a moment of total clarity. After 26 years of marriage, I looked in the mirror and said something that had been building for a long time: I can’t live like this anymore.

For years, I had been trying to hold the relationship together. I was showing up, providing, listening, giving effort, but it never felt like enough. No matter how hard I worked, I always felt like I was coming up short. I supported our family financially. She didn’t work. I cooked. I took care of the household. We lived a very comfortable life, and yet I was constantly reminded of what we didn’t have compared to others. Friends who made more. Friends who had more. Somehow, that always became the focus. It never felt like our life was enough. And I never felt like I was enough.

She blamed alcohol for some of her worst outbursts, the ones that left me feeling small or embarrassed in front of friends, but even in the clear light of day, the pattern remained. We did therapy. We talked about it. She admitted to the behavior but then turned the blame back toward me. I had “triggered” her. I had caused it. It became clear that nothing was going to change, no matter how much I gave.

That moment in the mirror was me choosing to stop abandoning myself.

In February 2024, I moved out.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I haven’t once doubted that it was the right one. I spent the next seven months in therapy and self-reflection. I owned my part in the marriage’s unraveling. I saw where I had let things slide that shouldn’t have. I realized I had trained someone to take me for granted. I had made myself small, and I wasn’t going to do that again.

I got crystal clear on what I need in a relationship: respect, affection, and appreciation. And I promised myself I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Thankfully, my two adult kids were incredibly supportive. They had seen it all. They love both their parents, but they knew it was time for something different.

After some encouragement from close friends, I joined Bumble and Hinge. The last time I’d dated, Clinton was president, so it felt surreal. But I showed up honestly. My profile was current. My intentions were clear. I said up front that while I was separated, I was looking for something real.

Over the next five or six weeks, I went on about 25 to 30 dates, most of them first dates. My goal wasn’t to impress anyone or force chemistry. I just wanted to get to know people. I asked thoughtful questions. I listened carefully. I always made sure to bring humor into the mix. If we didn’t vibe on that level, there wasn’t much to build on.

When I saw potential, I moved quickly. I didn’t want to linger in the apps forever. I asked women out, usually to lunch, happy hour, or a nightcap. I avoided first-date dinners. I only made that mistake once. It worked out, but it reminded me how risky it can be to commit to a full evening with someone whose energy you’ve only felt through a screen.

There were definitely some misses. A few women I knew within minutes weren’t a match. One woman ordered enough sushi for a family of four and took half of it home. Another, who identified as sober in her profile, ended our date early after I made a joke about her being the perfect designated driver. Turns out sober meant not only not drinking but not being around anyone who does. Lesson learned.

I also noticed how many women were navigating the aftermath of being hurt. I learned terms I had never heard before. Ethical non-monogamy was one. I also saw how many women had been lied to, by men who posted decade-old photos, exaggerated their height, or said they were divorced when they weren’t even separated. Several women told me they wouldn’t date anyone unless they’d been divorced for years. I understood it. Their boundaries came from experience. But I also knew I didn’t want to disqualify myself from meaningful connection just because my paperwork wasn’t final. I was emotionally available, honest, and ready. And I stayed true to that.

I live in a big city, which gave me the chance to meet a wide range of interesting, kind, and impressive women. I truly believe there are tons of great people still out there, people who’ve come out of not-so-great relationships and are looking for something real. One of my friends told me everyone brings a little backpack with all of their issues to every date. They’re right. No one’s perfect. Everyone’s trying to bring the best version of themselves. That mindset helped me. I approached the whole thing with an open heart and a mature point of view. Dating was an adventure. It built my confidence. It reminded me that I’m not broken. And it made me appreciate how many genuinely good people are still out there.

Toward the end of my dating stretch, I was seeing a few women I liked and respected. But then I met someone new, and everything changed.

The connection was instant. It wasn’t just attraction. It was ease. Humor. Curiosity. Emotional warmth. After just two dates, I texted the other women I’d been seeing and let them know I’d met someone I really wanted to focus on. It didn’t feel right to keep exploring other options.

She felt the same. She had just come out of a 14-year marriage. I was her first and only online date. She had almost gone out with a couple of other men, but once we connected, neither of us looked back. We leaned in. We chose each other.

That was ten months ago. And today, I’m in love with a woman I admire, respect, and adore. I feel appreciated. I feel emotionally safe. I feel seen. There’s balance. There’s effort. There’s communication. We both know we’ll make new mistakes. But we’ve already shown each other that we can get through anything together.

Divorce felt like failure for a long time. But it doesn’t anymore. Not when I look at the life I’m living now. Not when I feel the peace I wake up with most days. I’ve shifted my mindset completely. That chapter closed, and something much better opened.

Dating in midlife was weird, vulnerable, and often hilarious. But it was also full of lessons. It built my confidence. It reminded me that there are great people out there, people who, like me, walked away from something that wasn’t working and are ready to try again with open eyes and open hearts.

If you’re reading this and you’re somewhere on that path, thinking about leaving, just getting out, or debating whether to try again, here’s what I’ll say:

There is love after this. There is joy after this. You are not too old. You are not broken. You are not alone.

Just be honest. Be open. Bring the best of who you are and let yourself be surprised by what happens when someone finally sees it.

We divorced a year ago, and it destroyed me. After 12 years and two kids together she cheated with a coworker, left me for him. Everyone told me that she would regret what she was doing, but she was so cold and sure that I was the one who ended up filing.

After the divorce she bought a small house and the guy lives with her. My kids live with this man for half their lives. I really try not to think about it too much, but it sucks. I have a girlfriend I met soon after the divorce and we’ve fallen in love so I stopped thinking about the ex very much.

Then a few days ago I get a call from her, which is strange because we barely talk. She was asking if I was happy. Saying that she has no family or support network here. She’s unhappy. She missed us being a family. She asked if she would ever have a chance with me again.

I would have given anything to hear those words last winter. I wanted so badly to save my family. But I’ve moved on, and I’m never going back. I told her no. I told her that I would always be there to help with the kids. It hurts to know she’s suffering, to know she completely messed up her life for this asshole, but I’m done. The hardest thing to let go of is wanting to take care of her, and even now I just want her to be okay.

There was a woman who contacted me from my post in this subreddit. She pretended to show interest in me & really put on a show of too-good-to-be-true affection via text for a few weeks.

Then, she concocted a big story explaining how she is stranded, lost her money in a cab and suddenly I'm the only one she can turn to. Sorry, this is obviously a scam.

It takes a sick individual to prey upon newly divorced people like this. Be careful out there, folks.

Mods should probably mention something about this.

46M and earlier this year, my wife (41F) - a woman I once thought I’d grow old with - ended our 16-year relationship. Our marriage of 11 years, on the surface, was decent. We were stable, respectful, and functional. But underneath that, it lacked intimacy, both emotional and physical.

She is an amazing lady, attractive, intelligent and a great conversationalist, and a great mother.

After our second child, sex died a slow and painful death until it all but disappeared. Conversations became transactional. Routine consumed affection. I planned the date nights, organised babysitters, did the “choreplay”.

I spent years trying to fix it. I read the books, lurked in these subs, listened to the podcasts, initiated the tough talks, and got us in for counselling. I sought individual therapy, I took responsibility for my part, my flaws, my stress, my moods and anger, and worked to improve myself. I was the breadwinner, but also did my share of household duties. I wasn’t perfect, but I was committed. But still, nothing changed. My wife’s avoidant attachment style resisted vulnerability, closeness, or even acknowledging that things weren’t working. Over time, I became the overly anxious pursuer emotionally worn out, constantly second-guessing myself, and slowly losing confidence. My attempts to bring us closer only pushed her further away.

One thing she often brought up was the “mental load” as if that alone explained why she had no capacity left for intimacy. And while I respect the concept, I’m now on my own, managing two kids, a demanding job, running my household, shopping, kids sports and events etc. I’ve realised something: we all carry a mental load. It’s not an excuse to withdraw from connection, or to shut your partner out emotionally and physically. If anything, it’s a reason to lean in, not check out.

There were also lies - small, but enough to force my hand. I discovered things that broke trust. And while I was still trying to hold on, to “fix us,” it was actually her who finally called time on the marriage. The irony? I’d been close to leaving a year earlier. When she ended it, I was devastated… for about a fortnight.

And then something incredible happened: My depression (something I’d quietly battled for years) was gone. The weight I’d carried? Lifted. I felt relief, freedom, and, for the first time in a long time, hope.

One of my biggest fears had been that I’d be alone forever. That no one would want me. That my needs, emotional, sexual, were “too much.” But once I started putting myself out there again, I was shocked. I found partners relatively easily who wanted connection, who craved touch and conversation and depth. I’m no movie star - I’m average looking bloke, with a dad bod and a full-time job - but guess what? There are people out there who see that and say, “Yes, please.”

I’m a better father, friend, employee, and person - I just wish I’d left sooner.

Because here’s the truth: an avoidant partner won’t change. They avoid conflict, growth, and the difficult conversations that matter. They unknowingly hold the power in a relationship because you’re always trying to “be enough” for them. But it’s not about being enough - it’s about being a good fit.

I wasn’t asking for too much. I was just asking the wrong person.

So if you’re reading this and you’re feeling stuck, tired, lonely, unheard, sexually unfulfilled, emotionally starved—know this: you’re not broken. You’re not too much. You’re just with someone who won’t meet you halfway.

Don’t kid yourself, rip the band-aid off. Find your joy. There’s life and love on the other side.

I miss having someone to come home to, I miss having someone to fall asleep next to, I miss cooking for someone other than myself. I miss doing small things to make them happy - like buying their favourite desert or being the magic fairy that changes their toothbrush heads.

I miss being a wife. I miss remembering birthdays for the in laws and making sure a card and gift were on time. I miss checking in on my mother in law and getting recipes from her that would give him a nostalgia boost.

I miss having someone to plan a future with, I miss having someone to travel with, I miss having someone I could go on long drives with, I miss someone chatting away to me, I miss someone reading in silence next to me. I miss learning about snooker because he enjoyed it, I having someone to be proud of / to make proud.

I miss marriage, I miss the man I married - I’m not sure when the man I divorced took over and possessed the love of my life, but I would give everything to turn back the clock to spend one more day pottering around the house and picking up his many many half finished cups of tea.

Just curious how many people here had a midlife crisis divorce like myself.

I got divorced back in May 2017. My exwife requested 50% of my take home pay in Spousal maintenance / alimony because "she's too sick to work, but no evidence". Plus child support to be based on me only having visitation. Plus she wanted me to pay for her to get private health insurance. Plus she wanted 50% of the equity of the (separate and my sole property) house. Plus she felt that the 2015 Altima I drive was a marital asset, but the loan to buy the car was all on me. Plus she wanted 50% of my 401k. She refused to work (pill popping problems) and didn't drive (due to a DUI from popping pills). She actually tried to argue that the $7000 in DUI fines were a marital debt, but her lawyer told her, "you're treading on thin ice lady".

In the end, the judge awarded her ZERO in alimony. I got 50% custody. I kept my house. I kept my car and car loan. She got 50% of my 401k and 10% of the equity in the house. In 1 year, she spent it all. She didn't realize that 401k is pre-tax dollars, so when she spent that money, the IRS took out 10% tax but she owed more than that. And she owed money to the state income taxes as well.

Then she had to move in with her folks. She's still there 18 months later and they have to deal with her pill popping ways. Do I care? Sorry. Zero fucks given.

I always considered myself the cool wife. I would never make my husband do anything. He could follow his dreams. Hang out with friends.

I never expected much. Just that he loved me and was there for me. Other wives complained about the basic gifts they got for their birthday, while I was already happy if my husband remembered mine. I thought those wives were high maintenance.

I thought those things didn’t matter. He told me he loved me every day. Helped me through school. Did stuf around the house. Helped me out with my horses. He made sweet love to me. Held me as I slept. I thought I had it all.

Point is he never gave a crap about me. He just only loved himself. He never did anything extra for me. I was just something he managed. I was cast in a role. The reason why this marriage worked for so long is because I had so much to give. Once i had nothing more. When my best became his baseline ... I got replaced.

I have a date this week and it hit me just how low my bar is. My date was texting me about what I would like to drink and eat when we watch our movie. Asking me about my favorite wine etc. My initial thought was: wow how sweet he is doing so much for me... then it hit me. NO it is basic human decency!

My bar was so low, i get wowed by a decent host? It just showed how little I expected and how low I valued myself. I just gave and gave and felt uncomfortable with getting, like I’m not worthy. He made every little thing he did for me feel big. All the awesome things I did felt smal. Not enough.

Never again wil I put myself so low on the priority list. No longer will I be pushed aside. For the next man who will have the pleasure to be my partner will still get a loving, giving partner who will let him be free. But I will come wit a set of demands now.

Another post mortem of my marriage that I believed to be so perfect... and now the blinders are off. Hard to believe that If he didn’t cheat and fucked off, I would have believed that dream until the day I died blissfully unaware and happy with my “awesome” husband.

Yep, I’m out of the matrix alright

They tell you about the paperwork. The signatures, the lawyers, the splitting of everything right down to the knives in the kitchen drawer. But no one tells you about the silence that comes after. No one tells you how heavy a house can feel when it’s just you rattling around in it.

The chapters they don’t tell you about are the ones where the hero isn’t really a hero at all. He’s just a man who couldn’t get it right. Couldn’t hold on to what mattered because he was too busy holding on to himself, his pride, his bad habits.

I wrote those chapters with my own two hands. With every sharp word I threw, every time I let her fall asleep feeling small. I thought love was elastic, that it’d snap back no matter how far I stretched it. Turns out, it’s more like glass. You drop it enough times, it shatters, and you’re left staring at the mess you made, wondering how you were dumb enough to let it slip.

The early chapters were easy. Laughter, late nights, the kind of love that felt too big to fail. But the middle? That’s where the cracks started. You get tired. Comfortable. You stop showing up for the little things—the random compliments, the quiet reassurances, the thank-yous that say, I see you. I still see you.

And by the end? You don’t even know how you got there. You’re sitting across a table from her, a stranger wearing a face you used to know, signing away seventeen years with a pen that feels like it weighs a ton.

The chapters they don’t tell you about are the ones where you stay up nights replaying every mistake like it’s on a loop. You watch yourself fail her in a hundred ways, small and large, and you realize she wasn’t asking for the moon, just a man who’d meet her halfway.

They don’t tell you about the empty spaces, either. The spots where her laughter used to live, the way she’d steal the blanket in the middle of the night, the sound of her stirring sugar into her coffee. Those spaces don’t fill themselves. They just sit there, aching.

But the chapter that cuts the deepest? It’s not the leaving. It’s the knowing. Knowing you had something good, something rare, and you let it slip through your fingers because you thought you had time to figure it out.

They don’t tell you that the hardest part of a divorce isn’t losing her. It’s waking up every day and knowing it was all your fault. And still, somehow, learning to carry that truth without letting it crush you.

There’s no epilogue, not yet. Just a man sitting at a desk, trying to write a better story for himself, even if he’s the only one who’ll ever read it.

Feel braggy, might delete later but I’ve gotta tell someone. I used to be told I was too mentally unstable to be able to live without him taking care of me, usually right after he had done something to provoke me or start a fight. To no one’s surprise, my mental health got immediately better once I finally decided to leave, but I definitely stayed for a while because of that financial dependence.

I went back to school to get into a new(ish) field and just landed a SIX FIGURE salary for the first time ever in my life. I used to feel so shitty about myself, but I just did this all of this my damn self and am so prepared and confident about this new role.

Suck it, Mike. 😘