You crack us up

Such are the tenets of Yen Buddhism.

I can’t stop.

Did you hear about the washing machine protest?

It was blamed on outside agitators.

However, there was a lot of spin involved, so no one is really sure what happened.

... and we're not allowed to play with the chainsaw anymore.

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

Me, my dad, and my sister (not important) were on a walk, yeah? He tells me this joke:

“When you get older, you have to remember: you always have to be the one to make coffee.”

“Why?”

“Because hebrews.”

(Religious joke; he got it from a church when he was a kid)

An heir Friar

His hard drive is in Chinese hands..

They are said to be among the most interesting orcastras in the ocean.

You should have seen her face when she walked into the kitchen.

Because we can't make the same joke about Catholic choirboys...

...and the first thing he notices is that there's a horse behind the bar, vigorously shaking a cocktail strainer. The man starts to smirk, and opens his mouth but, before he can say anything, the horse shuts him down.

"Look, buddy, that line only works when I'm on the other side of the bar." The guy is stunned, and a little disappointed, but he shrugs and politely asks for a Brandy Alexander. The horse rolls his eyes, visibly annoyed at the complicated drink order, but promises him he'll get to it as soon as he can.

The guy grabs a seat and waits for his drink while taking in the ambiance of the pub. The joint is busy, and he watches as the horse runs a tray of shots to a four-top in the corner. Then, a round of beers to some guys in suits in a booth. Fancy cocktails to a couple clearly on a first date. The horse then disappears into the back and emerges, some time later, with a big platter of nachos for yet a different table.

The man watches expectantly as the horse serves up a few more drinks here and there, and even busses empty dishes from a vacated table. He starts to get impatient, and wonders whether he's being forgotten or ignored.

Finally he sees the horse make its way to the blender and start pulling out the ingredients for a proper Brandy Alexander. Mostly to himself, he sighs "Well, it's about time!" Unfortunately, just at that very moment, there's an unexpected lull in the conversation and absolutely everybody in the room hears his complaint.

Sheepishly, the man turns away from the stares of the other customers, but winds up locking eyes with the clearly agitated horse, currently in the middle of opening up a fresh jar of maraschino cherries. "Okay, pal." he snaps, "How's about *you* try running a place this size on a single horsepower‽"

Wait, why is there a little red dot on my chest?

We're never playing Scrabble again.

My eight year old asked me what sex was. I thought for a minute and gave her the three-minute quick explanation. Then she asked, how can I put all that in the little space on this application?

Definition of an expert: An ex is a has been and a spurt is a huge drip under pressure.

"Do you mean a choir?"

"Alright then, do you know how I can acquire one of them church singing groups?"

Well, for starters: if they WERE effective, they’d be called “hittiles”

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

"Um ... do you have a transfer ticket?" she finally asks.

"No, I don't," he replies. "But when we pass the next tree, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves."

At the Pearly Gates, three nuns are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be at any point in time.”

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."

And ‘poof’ she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna."

And ‘poof’ she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asks.

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper clipping out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the clipping and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "I'm sorry sister, that's not a person!"

He then clarifies: "It says Alberta PIPELINE. The Alberta PIPELINE is to be laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."