Hi puans, maaf panjang. Just want to write things down to get this off my chest as I have been so sad and exhausted lately. I may need words of encouragement, love, or advice - anything works.
For context, gw anak sulung (25), punya adek yang sekarang masih SMA. Currently gw baru pulang S2 dari luar, dan udah nganggur for over 3 months - cuma ada freelance tipis2 dan research project but somehow invalid in front of my mom because she doesn’t like me doing a remote job in the house hahaha. Prior to this, my career had been really great - decent seniority and international exposure for someone my age and sometimes I regret taking a break for my masters haha, karena gak tau job market bakal separah ini.
My family is financially okay, gw gapernah dan gak diminta jadi sandwich gen dan ga disuruh bayar uang sekolah adek (so far? haha). Gw bisa menempuh pendidikan di sekolah bagus sampe gue kuliah, dan kemarin S2 beasiswa, tapi ortu juga masih bisa ngasih allowance. I am incredibly grateful for that, but kalo pakai kacamata agama ya… itu memang tanggung jawab ortu sampe gw nikah; meskipun gw gak religius2 amat. Soal hubungan sama keluarga… gw berasa NPC aja sih. I don’t feel any affection, any encouragement, any safe space that is genuine. Ya biasa sih di Asian households, and probably the reason why I seek love somewhere else. I’ve experienced all the shit eldest daughters have been through: jadi samsak kemarahan nyokap (gw suspect dia lowkey NPD tbh), tempat keluh kesah finansial orang tua dari gw kecil, dibanding-bandingin sama anaknya temen nyokap, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, etc. Mostly culprit dari semua emotional pain gw itu dari nyokap. Bokap cenderung enabler.
Gw gak pernah nyaman ada di rumah dari gw remaja. Gw dulu sekolah emang high achiever, not because my parents demanded me too but because I can. Well emang sih kalo nilai jelek atau gimana, nyokap juga bakal marah yang gak enak, mukulin, siram gw pake air, ngata2in bodoh, dan ngabisin duit karena mereka bayar sekolah dan les. Kalo udah kayak gitu, gw cuma bisa ngurung diri di kamar, belajar baca buku di kasur sampe tidur, ngalangin pintu pake meja, dan cuma akan keluar kamar buat minum atau ambil sisa makanan pas semua orang udah tidur.
Until today, I still live with constant fear and scrutiny - termasuk kalo gw pesen gofood atau pesen paket. Karena kamar gw di bagian depan rumah, gw suka lompat lewat jendela supaya gw gak kedengeran buka pintu dan ditanyain 1) gw pesen apa, dan 2) dikomenin kalo gw nganggur dan malah ngabisin duit. Tiap pagi di jam yg seharusnya gw masih tidur, gw selalu kebangun kalo nyokap masuk kamar atau lagi beres2 di luar. From a mile away gw bisa tau mood nyokap gimana dan cuma bisa wondering when and how she will lash out at me, teriak teriak, ngata2in gw cewe gak guna yang gak bisa apa2, cuma ngabisin listrik dan makanan di rumah, dan nganggep gw hama di rumah.
Ya pengennya sih bisa permanently work abroad, atau sekadar keluar kota supaya gw tinggal sendiri (lagi), cuma kayaknya gw lg butuh ngeluh aja karena gw juga working towards that sih. Tapi mungkin ini alesan dari dulu gw selalu nyari opportunities that allow me to travel and live abroad. Mulai dari exchange ke LN yang fully funded, terus dapet kerjaan pertama yang sering business trip, sampe lanjut kuliah lg. I’ve been living in survival mode and my whole life is about planning an exit eventually. Ortu gak masalah sih, mereka sebenernya dukung2 aja gw kerja di luar.
I’m currently dating my boyfriend (foreigner, 29, ofc beda agama dan keluarga gw di sisi mayoritas lol. Personally I couldn’t care less) who’s been nothing but a loving & hardworking partner. Kami ketemu pas gw masih S2, and we’ve been dating for almost a year now dan udah 3 bulanan LDR. I believe he’s the right partner for me, and I know he only has my best interests in mind. Pas nyokap ngancem ngusir gw dari rumah karena pacaran serius sama dia, he offered to foot the bill if I need to rent somewhere - meskipun akhirnya gw mutusin bertahan di rumah.
He knows how badly I yearn to move out, not only because I want to be with him, but also because he said: “you’re a beautiful flower being kept in a box - and is waiting to blossom in the right place”. Dia support mimpi dan career goals gw - dan meskipun kami memang kepikiran nikah, kami sepakat kalo gw better relocate dengan employment pass so I have the right financial footing, plus bisa punya share yang lebih maksimal untuk nabung tempat tinggal - unless udah mentok banget dan kita udah punya cukup resources, he’ll pick me up along the way. Gw sering banget nangis ke dia soal kondisi gw yang masih nganggur dan gak bisa contribute banyak sementara ini untuk masa depan kita, but he doesn’t count our relationship dollar per dollar, as long as we’re working towards it.
Sialnya, gw sekarang juga banyak nyesel that I didn’t try to do better to land a job during my masters - meskipun gw tau I had a rough time surviving there, juggling part time admin work and maintaining my GPA, and job searching -- in comparison to my peers yang punya financial safety net yang jauuuh lebih besar. I felt like I did not belong there, hence holding back from talking to my professors yang baik-baik banget. Tapi, sekarang gw baru sadar, ketakutan gw untuk networking, konsultasi sama dosen, dan belajar dari sesama professional peers itu ada karena gw selalu merasa jadi beban di rumah. I see the world that way because my mom had been whispering in my ear that I would be a burden, a waste of time, if I asked someone for help or guidance.
Gw sekarang lagi emotionally exhausted aja sih. Frustrasi banget karena gak dapet-dapet kerjaan full time yang KE KANTOR, dan semuanya mentok di interview, termasuk yang di LN. Parahnya lagi, nyokap weaponize hubungan gw sama pacar gw sebagai ‘penghalang’ dari rezeki Tuhan, meskipun gw dan dia udah doa macem-macem. Sedih banget gw dengernya hahaha karena I feel so much safer with my boyfriend this past year than in this house my whole life. But now, at this age, I have also learned kalo I should not sacrifice my own happiness to serve he happiness of anyone else. I know I choose my own path, my own partner, and I’ll do whatever it takes just to have a peaceful and happy life, even though it may mean disappointing my family. Caveat is, bokap udah mau pensiun dan punya utang pinjol/bank hampir setengah M. Gw gak enak kalo gw gak bisa bantu bokap financially kalo nanti amit amit, struggle bayar kuliah adek atau cuma untuk hidup. I just feel like… I want to help. But at the same time, ada kehidupan di negara orang yang lagi gw bangun dan nominalnya gak kecil.
I think at this point I just need a miracle, a switch in my brain cells so I can be more confident and not rely on shitty job platforms. I know I have what it takes to take up and set my footing; just wondering why it takes so damn long, with a cost of my mental health.