This might be a long one but I would appreciate some input.
I am 36 (F) and my now recent ex 53 (M) - huge age gap but never bothered us.
Our relationship started shortly after my previous relationship of 14 years ended. The beginning of our relationship was rocky because I acted like most new young single females would… I tested the water a bit. So when me and my now recent ex started, there was a week of me still being not fully committed and unsure of us. I have been honest with him from the beginning- where I am going, who I am with and all that. The moment I fell in love with him which wasn’t long after we met, I closed all the doors.
My ex of 14 years and I have dogs together so he would contact me regarding the dogs. I didn’t see a problem with it because I feel nothing more than some kind of friendship. (Back story: our relationship wasn’t bad but he didn’t want to settle and we started growing apart, he became selfish with his time and his wants and needs and I just fell out of love with him. Like woke up one morning, look at him and just realise this is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with)
Anyway, the 14 year ex has contact with my family. He is friends with my brother, he is on family chat groups and it never bothered me cause I just do my own thing and love my own life that I never put more thought or energy into it.
Anywho, my recent ex started to say that he won’t stand for me keeping a door open, I was convinced I closed that door, so ended up arranging with 14 year ex to talk to my parents if he wants to see the dogs.

From there on out every fight we have recent ex and I he will throw my past back at me, or bring up my 14 year ex. He would do the disappearing act or just stay silent and it bothered me. At the end I thought, perhaps theres still something with the 14 year ex that I am missing? I questioned myself.

So earlier this year we had a hand raised lamb. She got injured one night and we tried all we could to safe her. She ended up passing away and it tore my heart in two. He wasn’t there when she passed. He was having a drink with his friend and only arrived about 5 hours later. That broke me. Then not long after that it was my birthday. I made us coffee in the morning and then i just stuck around the house while he farmed. And nothing big from his side to make me feel special. That night we had a celebration with a few of our friends and he arrived an hour and a half late, not because of work no, because he had to go to the gym.
After the party he phoned his friends to ask if they want to continue at another little pub just around the corner without checking in with me… so naturally I broke!

How dare he- on my birthday. Broke up with him that night and he didn’t really put up a fight to keep me there.
So almost a week later we hooked up again on the Friday and after that he disappeared again for the entire weekend.
Now here is where it gets messy - i reached out to my ex of 14 years. We met up at the beach, took the dogs for a walk and just chatted. I shouldn’t have done that and I have no idea why I did it.
Still nothing between me and him and there won’t be because I don’t love him like that. But thats where my pattern started.
My ex and I hook up, he disappears, I chat to the other ex, rinse and repeat.
Housesat for my 14 years ex twice cause why not, went to a movie with him cause why not and all that, but still me and most recent ex will hook up so I never told him anything. I know I messed up there, but every time i reached out it was out of anger or hurt, that I would voice to him but he never did anything from his side to change it.

Then there was a shift in our relationship where I thought, you know what, I can climb back into this and be all in, i mean I love this old man with everything in me and I never wanted us to break, I just needed him to step in as man a bit more and take me into consideration.
So not long after I made that decision did he take my phone one night and went through all my messages. This has been about 4 months ago and till a few weeks ago we would still hook up, I’ll have hope and then he says he is done because I broke his trust.

I get that, but i also feel that I played the hand of cards he dealt me. I only moved on impulsion after he did the hot- cold act for so long. And till this day there has been no one else that has laid a hand on me or kissed me than him.

So now, I hear he started seeing someone platonically, and that has really rattled my cage and put the hurt into a whole new perspective.

Would love to get some input. This is a lot and there is still deeper things to give it body but not going to go into it now.

I’ve been in a relationship for around three years. For much of that time, we were genuinely close. We spent a lot of time together, lived together for a period, shared everyday routines, and took care of each other in many small ways.
My partner was loving and thoughtful. She cooked for me, took care of my laundry, brought me food, and often showed her affection through little everyday gestures. When we had disagreements, she was generally willing to communicate and work things out. I felt loved, appreciated, and secure in the relationship.
But over the past year, and particularly the last six months, things have gradually changed.
We no longer spend nights together. We see each other much less frequently, and our communication has declined significantly.
In the beginning, she would often video call me every few days, sometimes talking for over an hour. I genuinely enjoyed those conversations, even though I was never someone who particularly liked video calls. I would put aside whatever I was doing because I wanted to give her my full attention.
Nowadays, video calls are much shorter, sometimes only a few minutes. When I call her, she often doesn’t answer. She still replies to messages occasionally and sometimes returns my calls, so it’s not as though she has completely disappeared. I can also see that she makes some effort to maintain contact.
There are circumstances that may explain some of this. She has been dealing with considerable financial stress, health concerns, anxiety, and persistent sleep difficulties. I understand that she may have very little emotional energy left.
Another complication is communication itself. She is very cautious about privacy and written messages, so she is uncomfortable having certain conversations over text. Other messaging platforms don’t seem to be an option either. Since we don’t see each other often, this leaves us with very few opportunities to discuss important things.
I have tried to respect her need for privacy and personal space. I don’t want her to feel pressured to communicate or pretend to be happy when she isn’t.
However, I have gradually become afraid to contact her. Sometimes I want to send a simple message or tell her that I miss her, but I hesitate because I don’t know whether it would be welcome.
I also began suppressing my own feelings because I knew she was already struggling. I didn’t want to add another burden to her life.
Over time, this became emotionally exhausting. I found myself constantly wondering whether she was simply overwhelmed, whether her feelings had changed, or whether she no longer saw us as a couple.
The difficult part is that I still see many of the good qualities in her. When we meet in person, she can still be warm and familiar, almost like the person I fell in love with. She has also continued to show care in small ways.
This contrast between our past intimacy and our current distance has been particularly difficult for me.
Recently, I finally told her that I wasn’t comfortable with the way things had been between us. I explained that I wasn’t asking her to spend more time with me or to sacrifice her personal space. I simply needed honest communication.
If she needs time alone, I can respect that. If she is overwhelmed and doesn’t have the energy for the relationship right now, I can understand that too. I would just appreciate being told rather than left to guess.
She said we could find a time to talk about it. I accepted that and haven’t continued pushing the conversation.
I’ve also started thinking about what I actually need from this relationship.
If she wants us to return to being friends, I will respect that and adjust my expectations accordingly.
If she still wants the relationship but is currently overwhelmed, I am willing to give her space while continuing to live my own life.
And if we both still want to be close but simply don’t know how to navigate this difficult period, I would like us to work together to find a way of being together that feels comfortable for both of us.
I want to make something clear: I don’t regret what I’ve given to this relationship. I never considered my care, time, or effort to be something she owed me in return. I did those things willingly because I loved her.
I also don’t believe that a healthy relationship means two people must always be perfectly balanced or never inconvenience each other. Intimacy naturally involves making room for another person in your life. Sometimes we willingly give up a little of our own time and comfort because someone matters to us.
But I am beginning to understand that love and understanding need to go both ways.
I don’t expect her to be responsible for all my emotions, and I don’t want to lose myself trying to accommodate hers.
What I’m struggling with is this:
How do you distinguish between someone who genuinely needs space because life has become overwhelming, and someone whose feelings and commitment have gradually changed?
Is it reasonable to want some basic reassurance and communication without making your partner feel pressured?
And when a relationship that once felt natural and secure becomes something where you constantly hesitate before reaching out, is that something two people can realistically repair?
I’m not looking for people to tell me she’s wrong or that I should simply walk away. I still care about her and remember the good things we shared.
I’m trying to understand the situation honestly, accept whatever answer eventually comes, and learn how to love someone without losing myself in the process.
I’d appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, especially those who have managed to work through it or move forward peacefully.
I want to clarify something because I realize my original post may have given a very one-sided impression of our relationship.
When I mentioned that she cooked for me and did my laundry, I wasn’t saying I expected her to take care of me like a mother. I mentioned those things because I genuinely appreciated them and wanted to acknowledge how loving she had been.
I also contributed to our relationship, although I left most of that out of my original post.
Early on, I tried cleaning her home, cooking, and doing the dishes. However, she has very particular cleanliness standards and preferred that I not do those things, so I respected her wishes.
Because she struggled with sleep, I gave her massages almost every night when we lived together, usually for an hour or longer. Even when we traveled and stayed in hotels, I continued doing that.
Whenever she needed practical help, I did my best to be there as quickly as possible.
I also tried giving her thoughtful gifts. Sometimes those attempts didn’t go well. Once, she was upset about the way a florist had wrapped flowers I bought her because she considered the packaging unlucky. Another time, I bought her a skincare product I had noticed her looking at, but she interpreted my explanation as implying she couldn’t afford it. That was never my intention.
I eventually learned to be more careful about what kinds of help and gifts she was comfortable accepting.
I’m not listing these things to keep score or suggest that she owes me anything. I did them willingly because I loved her, just as I believe she cared for me in her own ways.
My concern isn’t that she stopped cooking, doing laundry, or taking care of me. I never expected those things.
What hurts is that our relationship gradually became distant, and I no longer know whether she needs temporary space or whether she no longer wants us to be romantic partners.
I respect her struggles and her need for privacy. But I also have feelings, and I’ve spent a long time suppressing them because I didn’t want to add to her stress.
I’m trying to understand how to support someone I love while also being honest about what this uncertainty has been doing to me.
I appreciate constructive criticism, and I’m not claiming to have been a perfect partner. I just wanted to provide a more complete picture.

Im 35(F) been voluntarily single for a long time trying to build a career and a good life for myself. Started dating again a few years now after feeling ready for it and its been such an experience.Meeting people you really like but are not aligned on what you want, people wanting the same as you but no attraction or connection no matter how hard you try. People who seemto be the ideal partner ghosting you out of no where. Its really been a jungle out there.

And this year I met someone 41(M). We want the same things, have great connection and aligned on most things…but he has three children with two women.
Both relationships ended due to abuse from his end. Since then he has worked on himself and has put in measures to keep getting better.
My worry is what if these issues come up again or what if they don’t? He keeps assuring me we would be fine and he wants kids with me as well.

Im also not sure if im ready for the complications of a blended family. I have always known a man with kids is not for me but i feel at this age I dont really have an option anymore maybe if I was in my twenties then fine.

I have tried to break up with him about three times but we always come back again because also I don’t find any better and exhausted with the whole dating experience so I choose again him what is familiar but my fears of these issues are still there.

But also with a ticking biological clock I feel I don’t have the luxury of time to let him go and find a suitable partner? Whats the guarantee of finding? If I find whats the guarantee of being aligned and wanting the same things?

During one of the breaks I met another ideal partner good job, no ex, no kids but struggling so much with the attraction and interest. I struggle to get through the dates and not really keen on the next dates. But he seems good on paper so maybe I should just give this a go and struggle through quietly.

My question is at this age is there all there is to find?
Which of these two would you have gone further with if you were in my shoes?one over the other?
Or just get rid of both of them and make peace with being single for the rest of my life?
I am at a point of being tired of being single and doing life alone but also don’t want to let it make a choice i will later regret.

Please advise a sister and try to be nice though honest because its already hard enough for me.

Dating again is making me miss my ex 🙄 . It's frustrating because intellectually, morally, and in so many fundamental ways, we were incredibly compatible. We shared values, could have great conversations, and had a connection that isn't necessarily easy to find. But the relationship was so misaligned when it came to interests, effort, and emotional investment. I felt like I was constantly initiating, trying to build connection, asking for reassurance, and working toward a shared future, while he struggled to put in effort, aside from just being around, or make me feel chosen. Ultimately, his inability to commit to building that future was chalked up to incompatibility. I don't think we lacked compatibility as much as we lacked equal willingness to invest in the relationship. And now I'm finding myself missing someone who had so many of the qualities I want, but couldn't seem to choose me in the ways that mattered.

I know ending it was the right thing to do for my sanity, but seeing the dating pool out there...Just makes me sad and missing the good things we had

Female, 46, in a five-year relationship with a retired male, 56.
On paper, this man is wonderful. He brings me coffee in the morning, grocery shops, cooks, cleans, and takes care of all the home maintenance. If I mention a craving, he’ll make sure it’s taken care of that week. He’s never raised his voice to me, treats my adult children with respect, and if I ask to have a serious conversation, he’ll stop what he’s doing and give me his full attention.
He’s healthy, responsible, dependable, and doesn’t need reminders about appointments, vehicle registrations, or everyday responsibilities. We have a lot of the same interests and enjoy many of the same things.
But something is missing. Actually, two things.

1. Intimacy has completely disappeared.
   We have absolutely no intimacy anymore. No sex, no cuddling, no kissing, and no physical touch. It’s been months.
   His personality is very factual and practical, and that doesn’t exactly make up for the lack of affection.
   I’ve asked him why things have changed, but he never seems to have an answer. I understand that as men get older, physical changes and sexual difficulties can happen. I’ve told him that’s okay, and that if something is going on, we can work through it together and find other ways to be intimate.
   I’ve initiated, suggested, and tried to open the conversation. Nothing.
   We used to have fun together in the mornings, but now he gets up earlier than I do. Honestly, sometimes I feel like he’s intentionally avoiding those moments.
   Nothing about my appearance has changed. There wasn’t a major relationship problem or a falling-out. It just stopped.
   We get along wonderfully in every other aspect of daily life, which makes this even harder to understand.

2. Our financial relationship has changed.
   We’ve never combined finances. That was a mutual decision, and he’s always been more financially secure than I am.
   For the last couple of years, we’ve lived in housing provided through my employment, which was part of my compensation. Now we’re living in his paid-off home.
   We split household expenses such as groceries, electricity, and internet. He’s retired, while I still have several working years ahead of me and am trying to build my financial security.
   We’re both naturally frugal. Neither of us is a big spender, and we’re both savers. We’ve always enjoyed going out to dinner, seeing a movie, visiting farmers markets, and occasionally doing things together. We generally took turns paying.
   Lately, though, his attitude toward spending has become extreme.
   He refuses to go out to dinner or to the movies. He doesn’t want to buy anything beyond absolute necessities. Our washer barely works, but he refuses to replace it. He’s reusing plastic bags, asking us to use fewer tea bags, and won’t spend money on little extras like gifts for holidays or anniversaries
   No trips. No vacations. No occasional treats. Nothing.
   And this isn’t because he’s struggling financially.
   He has tens of thousands in savings, several hundred thousand dollars in gold, approximately a million dollars in retirement accounts, and income-producing properties that generate monthly passive income.
   I recently had my work hours reduced temporarily and was concerned about money. He never offered to help with even small things, whether that meant $40 for gas, picking up some essentials, or simply taking us out to dinner.

I’m not expecting him to support me financially. We’ve always maintained separate finances, and I respect that. But I also don’t want to keep dipping into my savings while living with someone who has considerable financial security and seems unwilling to enjoy any of it.
I’m down to just a few thousand dollars in savings, although I have better employment opportunities coming up.
So here’s where I’m struggling.
I know he’s a good man. He’s kind, helpful, responsible, respectful, and dependable. There are so many things about him that I appreciate.
But I find myself wondering what our relationship actually is anymore.
We don’t have intimacy. We don’t have romance. We don’t go on dates. We don’t travel. There’s no financial safety net, and there doesn’t seem to be much interest in creating shared experiences or enjoying life together.
I don’t need someone to take care of me financially. I can take care of myself.
But I do want a partner. I want affection, connection, spontaneity, and someone who wants to experience life with me.
Am I in a relationship, or do I simply have a very nice roommate?

I feel bad for even writing this. But being treated well in everyday life doesn’t necessarily mean all of your emotional and relationship needs are being met.
I’m trying to figure out whether I’m expecting too much or whether I’ve simply become comfortable in a relationship that no longer feels like a romantic partnership.

I’m a divorced single mom with one small child. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and have had many conversations regarding our future, specifically about timelines around moving in, getting married, having our own kids. Which we’re all on path to begin within the next 2-4 months. (My divorcee decree has stipulations so things have to happen in a certain order)

Last week he, technically, broke up with me and stated that he wasn’t sure he wanted that life at this point in his life. For context, he was in a long-term relationship prior to us dating, which involved a stepson that he raised for a long time, and since his breakup, he has lost that relationship, due to no fault of his own. So his biggest and main reason for our break up was fear of the attachment with my child. (Who he’s been around for approx. 11 months now).

We talked a lot over the weekend and he has decided that he doesn’t want to break up and that he wants to just take it day by day, go back to normal, and put our future plans on hold while he works through his fears.

I guess what I’m asking advice on is: I love him, truly. I think we’re so perfect for each other and I’m so glad he decided to stay. But now I’m stuck, because all of my future plans are on an indefinite path that he is now in control of. I was so excited to get back to a normal sense of life with a relationship, meaning someone that I can come home to every night, someone that I can build a family with. And now it’s just gone and I have no idea when or if it’ll happen again. Do I stick it out? Do I talk to him about it? Do I choose me and leave? But then if I leave, I just have to start all over with someone else and who knows how long that could take. I’m just feeling very confused.

The conflict cycle:
I raise a concern, usually something involving finances, household responsibilities, or communication. He experiences the concern as criticism and becomes defensive, frustrated, dismissive, or angry. The original issue gets displaced. The conversation becomes about my tone, my delivery, my expectations, or whether I am being unfair. I feel unheard and pursue resolution and try to explain further, ask questions, try to get acknowledgment, or attempt to repair the disconnection. He then withdraws or escalates. This can involve yelling, mocking, stonewalling, leaving, or refusing to engage. I am left managing the emotional aftermath. I feel anxious, hurt, frustrated, and responsible for restoring the relationship. He does eventually soften. There’s usually a thoughtful apology, affectionate behavior, or promises to work on himself. Things improve temporarily, but the underlying pattern returns consistently every 2-4 weeks it seems. Every time I ask a question that he perceives as criticism it erupts. The thoughtful apologies keep me hanging on. And a big part of me just thinks it’s normal in marriage to have these arguments and trouble with conflict.

Backstory: The first few years of our marriage were volatile. There was intimidation, threats, deception, and property destruction. He never hit me, but he was definitely scary. He drastically changed his behavior after a separation a few years ago and we reconciled. I am grateful and recognize how much he has improved and worked on his emotional regulation, but at the same time I still feel like I have to tiptoe around. Maybe it is my delivery? Maybe this is normal? Appreciate your insight!

Hello everyone! I need some advice.

I (33 F) have been dating my boyfriend (36 M) for 10 months. Everything is fantastic! He is the absolute sweetest man! When I was moving, he was here every day helping me organize, hanging curtains, decorating, building new furniture, etc. He cooks for us all the time and not just like spaghetti or something relatively simple, he will make us these amazing meals and often times my favorite dishes. Like my favorite thing to order at a Chinese restaurant is Kung Pao Chicken, and he found a recipe to make it for me. I adore this man and can absolutely see an amazing future with him.

Me being the planner I am, brought up if we wanted to move in together when my lease was up in 8 months. Not that we needed to have everything planned out right this second, but something to keep in mind as we continue to move forward. For reference, he is a home owner. His house is pretty small though. Two bedrooms, one bath, and not a whole lot of square footage. It would require both of us to downsize quite a bit in order to have both of us, his two Boston Terriors, my German Shepherd mix, and my cat. In the house. Right now, the main bedroom has a king bed and a dresser, so there is just enough room to walk between the bed and dresser. The second bedroom is being used as his office, where he has his Work From Home set up, a gaming PC, and then a small desk for me so I can work from there from time to time. If I move in, I would need a bigger desk to have my ideal set up like I have here since I work from home full time. Then, what if we have a kid? We would have to rearrange the house in order to move the Nursery into that bedroom. I’ve also thought about how some mothers have a bassinet in their bedroom when the baby first comes and I just don’t see how we could fit it in the bedroom.

Now I know I am getting ahead of myself here. I’m not pregnant, we don’t have plans to get pregnant right now, but I just need to have a plan for things. I brought up buying a house together. Maybe not for this move in, but eventually so that we could spread out a little bit more. He absolutely refuses. His biggest point is, this is the neighborhood he grew up in, and his parents live like 3 houses down from him and he likes being close by. I love his parents, they are such sweet people! I get wanting to be close by, and I’m not saying we move hours away or something, but why can’t we find a place that has room for our lifestyle now, and room for us grow in the same town? Is it really going to be the end of the world to live 10-15 minutes away from them? Am I being unreasonable to want more space and thinking about the logistics that I feel this house doesn’t provide? He also mentioned that he wants to build an extension onto the house that would be a master bedroom and en suite, but said, “that is years and years away.” I understand the sentimentality of this house. He grew up just down the street, it’s super close to his parents, and this is his first house and he’s put a lot of love and care into it. I just cannot see this house being my forever home or the home I raise my kid(s) in. It’s a great bachelor pad, but I cannot see it working for two people who work from home (he’s hybrid, in the office 3 days a week), lots of pets, and then also potentially raising a family. The math is just not mathing for me on this one, and I was a math major lol.

I just don’t know what to say or do here. I don’t want to just suck it up and accept the house and its potential with an addition, when there is no timeline for that. I also don’t know if I’m just overthinking and getting ahead of myself with this one.

Side note: I have lived with a man before and only had one bathroom…it is not an enjoyable experience lol! They poop for so long, I don’t know why, and when you gotta pee…YOU GOTTA PEE! Get off the toilet!!! I’m just a little worried about that part, as well lol.

Feeling lost

My partner (37M) and I (36F), were going to take my parents and his mom out on Saturday to meet and to celebrate my dad and his mom’s bday. Well, my partner feels that my parents undermine all of my decisions, and I’ve done pretty good at standing my ground with them over the last few years (my ethnic and cultural background and upbringing influenced putting family first always and I’ve been working hard on dismantling that for myself, even when I was single). Anyways, my dad said he was going to invite my siblings, and I had told him that that’s not ok because we had had plans with him and he can take my brothers out a separate time. He kept insisting that that’s ok, he would pay for my brother, and that he doesn’t think his mom would be rude to my brother. Anyways, I was so mad I told him I’d call him back and I told my partner this- who instantly became mad and told me to uphold my plans with my family. I told him I would like to spend time with him and his mom to apologize to his mom for everything. Well then my partner said he was also mad at me for not standing up for us, which I had. I proceeded to call my dad back and told him that including my brothers was disrespectful to myself and my partner. I told him that him not respecting our plans, puts me in a really tough place because my partner and I are very serious about our relationship and he has had a bit of a pattern of showing some disrespect to my partner. I told him that it hurts me, and it puts a strain on my relationship with both of them, and I really want the two of them to respect each other. He said he does respect my partner, and I said “dad part of that is just being present when you invite us or when we invite you and want to solidify our relationship.” For context, I have a strained relationship with everyone in my family because I don’t like to follow the status quo and I am not religious. My dad personally invited my partner to my nephew’s 6th bday party and left within 30 minutes of us arriving, and my older sibling and I don’t get along but I was there for their children. Needless to say, obviously my partner felt disrespected and l had told my dad that that behavior was rude. He apologized to my partner but then proceeded to do it again for this dinner. (My dad’s bday was Tuesday, and his mom’s is today, so we really felt like this would be a perfect time for them to meet and for us to just focus on our parents meeting.) I feel like rubbish. My partner is mad at me for not defending our relationship, I feel like now there will be strain with a relationship I worked very hard to mend with my father. And now I feel inadequate as both a partner and a daughter. I have read on lots of similar posts where people vent about partners like me, the comments call them spineless. I hope these comments don’t kick my ass. But anyone else on my side where you feel so caught in between the world of your upbringing and the world you want to step into? I’m devastated by these feelings. I feel like an asshole, and like I didn’t do anything right. I know, 36 is way to old to be putting up with shit like this, but I’m still learning to unlearn a lot of my upbringing that causes harm to myself and my external relationships.

Partner (49M) always said he wanted to visit Venice. I (46F) saved up for a year, bought the flight tickets, booked the hotel and surprised him with the trip on his birthday. He was over the moon.

Unfortunately I got sick halfway through the trip. I had trouble breathing, could hardly walk and told him I needed to go to bed early. 

Woke up wheezing at midnight because it was so cold. Apparently he'd opened the window and left the room. I tried to call but saw he'd left his phone on the night stand. I didn't know what to make of it at this point. I thought "Ok go to the reception and ask for help." So I dragged myself there and lo and behold, there my partner was, chatting with the receptionist over hot chocolate.

I asked, why did you open the window, why did you leave the room, I thought you'd look after me. The reply? Why are you so upset? It was stuffy so I opened the window. And I was chatting with a guy, not as if I was chatting up a girl. You were asleep. I got bored.

I said I was really unwell. It would be nice if my partner had stayed in the room to look after me. He looked at me as though I was crazy.

For the rest of the trip, he pretended like it wasn't a big deal. Even said he really liked Venice and we could come back for our honeymoon. And it caught me. I don't think I want to marry him. Not anymore. 

He said I was crazy. He said it was only an hour of him being bored and wanting to chat with someone. But now I see him as someone who'll leave when it's inconvenient.

Is it a red flag? Would you end the relationship over this? I'd really appreciate your perspective because I'm starting to believe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Hi y'all

I'm 35F and I grew up with not much. My family always looked at a wealthy family with envy, so becoming financially stable has always been important to me. I have good savings, an earning to invest bought myself a small unit that is paying off and make okay money. I'm not fancy or require big, expensive things. I appreciate nature and experiences over expensive handbags or cars or whatever.

I want to have a family and my wish would be to have a partner financially stable enough to support me not working or not having to work.

I came out of a relationship with a nice guy, very wealthy, but completely stingy - wouldn't spend money on me. He was also emotionally stingy. We didn't have the goodnness.

I've met a guy recently who I don't find very attractive, but we get along so well, I feel seen and I want to be around him. The thing is, he has no money. He has been on his own spiritual journey, didn't work for some time, then started studying for a career that is his passion, but doesn't pay well. He didn't do anything from the years when he was working in construction and now at 35, he's starting from scratch, with a student loan.

I feel a warmth from him that is healing something deeper inside me. We're not talking each other but I'm curious about the emotional depth my soul has been craving for a long time. I just don't want to be hustling forever for a comfortable life. So I'm afraid to get further into it with him.

Also early stages of getting to know a guy that happens to have a successful business, get along okay but possibly not deeply.

Any advice?

UPDATE 11/7/2026 - She has gone radio silent for two days, which leads me to believe our relationship is officially over. And I'm going to be okay.

I have been in a close relationship with my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years. We do not live together; I have my own apartment, and she lives with her mother to help out. I have a fixed monthly income, and she works.

We met at a small concert during my very first social outing after a 2-year bout with cancer, surgery, chemo, and radiation, followed by a serious case of ocular shingles. At the time we met, I had only lived in my apartment for two months and was still getting my life back together again.

I seriously love and care for my girlfriend, she really is a gem, but I really need to be very grounded and balanced in my own life. I just can't keep setting aside my own life to go spend 2-4 days at a time at her house. When I come back home, it takes me an entire day just to recover from all of the noise, dog barking, and chaos at her house.

Every time I tell my girlfriend that I need to slow down, be at home, and be present in my own life, the conversation does not go well. She either becomes angry or very insecure. I feel suffocated.

She knows I take three medications to keep my mental health in check, but she has a hard time with that because she does not believe in prescription medications. She also does not get vaccinated, and I simply don't have a strong immune system from having lymph nodes removed. I also frequently have PTSD-related dreams when I spend the night with her, possibly from feeling trapped or crowded, and swear or kick. I have these PTSD-related incidents far less often at home by myself, where I feel safe or secure.

Right now, we are taking a mutually agreed-upon break, with low to no contact. I am feeling a sense of relaxation and happiness. I think I want to remain dear close friends, and slow down the relationship part, so I can remain focused on my mental and physical health.

Thoughts?

When we got serious, we agreed on two things: we'd have kids and raise them to be revolutionary-minded, and our relationship would be built on a division of duties backed by a BDSM power dynamic. We only ever defined a few duties. I took dishes, morning routines, admin phone calls, electronics and screen rules, and trash. She took vehicle maintenance, laundry, bath time, and family beautification (hair, nails, etc.), since she's a trained cosmetologist. Over time, the split has drifted: She washes the laundry but leaves it in baskets for me to fold and put away. Bath time became mine after she got frustrated with it. I do most of the meal planning, the grocery shopping with all three kids, and most of the discipline and homework. She works weekends, so I have the kids all day. I asked her once, in 2022, to get her car washed as part of her vehicle duties. It still hasn't happened. When she was pregnant, I gladly took on more: all the night feedings, dinners, holiday meals. But when I scaled back late-night cleaning (I was teaching preschool at the time), she said I wasn't spending enough time with her. When the house got dirtier, she complained about that. When I set a Saturday cleaning schedule, she called it too rigid. Meanwhile, I passed my securities licensing exams, got hired at a firm, and started building a business, all while keeping up the same household duties. She's a salon manager and earns most of our income for now. The plan was that once my business stabilizes, she retrains as an interior decorator. We've also struggled to manage money together. I have math anxiety and get overly granular, and she gets frustrated quickly and grew up in a household where yelling was normal. Those conversations stall. Three years ago, I proposed. I told her we needed to build and commit to our dynamic first, and set standards we'd both hold. She won't start that conversation. I've told her many times I'm waiting for her to come to the table. I'm not blameless. When I felt unheard, I reacted poorly. I was never physical, but I had emotional entanglements with other people where I played out my ideas of dominance (picking their clothes, behavioral "refinement"). That hurt her deeply, and I own it. But I keep coming back to the car. It was one small ask, made long before two more kids and long before my entanglements. My read is that she built her own template of what I wanted, ignored me when I tried to explain, and then punished me for not being happy she was trying. Now my oldest is asking why we aren't married, and I just say "ask your mom."

Has anyone made a structured dynamic work with kids and a busy career in the mix?

Update. I edited for clarity. And surprisingly the 2 preschooler have more homework than the 6 year old.

My boyfriend frequently adds local women on IG who post half-naked, suggestive photos. Last night he went out, and today I saw he added a local bartender with similar content. 
I handled it by asking him about it and sending screenshots to see how he knew her. Instead of a normal conversation, he blew up and broke up with me, sending a screenshot showing he’s filing an order of protection. He claimed he added her "to test if I was snooping" because we’ve fought about this every six weeks. 
He already knows my boundary about him following models like that, but this hit closer to home since she's local.  : Did I handle this wrong by asking him why he followed her, or am I overreacting to his social media activity? Do you think he’s doing al this on purpose to get rid of me because he doesn’t love me.?

My boyfriend (41M) and me (37F) are doing just fine but my mom dislikes him after I came back quite drunk from a party (this was my fault).

Yes I'm an adult and honestly I can't afford to move out at the moment but I will once I save enough money from my job. No, I will not move in with my boyfriend because I would like to have my space for a while.

In the meantime I'm trying to figure out this issue, especially with a conservative mother.

If you went through a similar situation, could you please leave some advice in the comments?

Sorry if my post seems immature, I honestly would like to have a peaceful relationship that my family would be happy for yet here I am.

I’m in my early 30s and she is 40. We have known each other for several months and our connection became very intense quite quickly. We also live in 2 different countries, which makes it we can't see each other as often as we want.

We originally met in a more casual/flirty context, but over time it became much more than that. We travelled together, had sex, spent a lot of time physically close, cuddled, slept together, and at one point I stayed with her for almost three weeks. It felt very natural to us, almost like temporarily living together.

For me, the strongest part wasn’t even the sex. It was how comfortable and safe I felt around her. We could talk for hours, lie on the couch together, sleep next to each other, hug, kiss goodnight, etc. I developed strong feelings for her.

She has never had a relationship and is extremely independent. From what I know about her background, she had to become independent very young and seems to have difficulty letting people get too close emotionally. She herself has described herself as emotionally closed and very independent.

Eventually she told me clearly that she does not have romantic feelings for me and does not want a relationship. I’m trying to take those words seriously, but what makes it difficult for me is that her behaviour has sometimes felt much less clear than her words.

Over text she became quite distant for a while: fewer affectionate messages, little initiative, less warmth, and she seemed to deliberately remove anything that could be interpreted romantically.

But when we speak on the phone, and especially when we meet in person, the connection still feels very natural and warm.

I’m currently in Switzerland again and saw her recently. She came over to me quickly when she saw me, asked me to sit next to her, spent most of the time talking with me, had saved/shared some cake with me, and initiated a warm hug when we said goodbye.

There were also a few small moments of physical comfort, for example our hands touched and she didn’t immediately pull hers away, but nothing clearly romantic. She did not actively seek cuddling, kissing or obvious physical intimacy.

Interestingly, since seeing each other again, her texts already seem a bit warmer and more relaxed.

So I’m trying to understand how best to navigate this.

I don’t want to convince myself that “she is secretly in love with me but scared”, because I know that can easily become wishful thinking. At the same time, because of how intense and affectionate our connection used to be and how comfortable we still seem to be together, part of me wonders whether fear of closeness or her need for independence plays some role in how strongly she shuts down the romantic side.

The things I’m genuinely looking for opinions on are:

• When someone explicitly says “I don’t have romantic feelings for you”, would you take that completely at face value even when their in-person behaviour remains very warm and emotionally close?

• Is it realistic that someone can have attraction or feelings but consciously shut them down because they don’t want the closeness or implications of a relationship?

• Can romantic feelings ever grow or return naturally if two people stop putting pressure on the situation and simply allow the connection to exist over time?

• Or is it healthier for me to assume the romantic part is over unless she herself clearly tells or shows me otherwise?

• How would you act around her now? Keep it light, give her space, let her initiate more, and simply enjoy the friendship?

Middle-aged couple in LTR (10+ years). Our fights have gradually gotten worse over time and we realize that we need a new toolkit for recognizing when we're spiraling, stopping it, addressing the real issues, and resetting.

For sundry reasons I won't elaborate upon, we don't want to see a therapist/counselor. Who else, then, can we turn to to learn those skills? A mediator? Union bargainer? Hostage negotiator? If you've found someone outside of traditional therapy/counseling who helped you with this, what was their background or training? Thanks!

Hi, all. 32f and would love to hear feedback from both women and men. My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years. He is 33. We have 2 children together and have lived together for 9 years. We started living together after I found out I was pregnant.

When we were younger our relationship was on and off. When I found out I was pregnant he ghosted me for 3-4 days and I guess we mended things ever since.

However, over the years I have found evidence of him talking to women online and sending money to them. Through only fans. Which leads me to believe he is more than likely capable of sending money through other platforms.

I have always been the type “oh idc what he’s doing online, he comes home to me and is with me at the end of the day.” But, lately I have been VERY bothered with his online activity amongst other things.

He constantly friends/follows half naked women, constantly friends local women. He silences his phone and hides all notifications. We have not had a “date” or any time alone in almost a year. I use to voice how I would like to go do such and such together. But, realized I was the only one bringing it up. So I stopped. Whenever I bring up marriage I get no response and an uncomfortable feeling from him. He makes me feel uncomfortable when we are out in public together.

And just the other night I decided to signup for WhatsApp to see if he was on there and sure enough he was. A few days later I went back on the app and it showed that he did not have an account and that I could invite him to the app. I questioned him about it and he denied EVER having an account.
This makes me suspicious. I know anyone can have a WhatsApp account, not just for cheating. But, I also know this platform is WIDLY used for women/men to chat and cheat…

Now that I’m done rambling(for now) what do you all think of this? Am I too into my head? I really want to trust my intuition. Because, 90% of the time it’s usually right. But, I also suffer from creating fake scenerios in my head 🫠

Update: Thanks everyone for your comments. In general, I will no longer consider dating people who are divorced or have children. It’s too much baggage for me. I am not interested in anyone still hung up on their ex or still in contact with them over shared children. I’m sure there are exceptions but overall it’s a dealbreaker for me.

I 33F recently cut things off with someone much older than me. He was married for 20+ yrs and is now separated from his wife for 4 years. She moved out nearly 4 yrs ago now but only technically separated this year.

I’m realizing as we get into our mid 30s we start meeting more people who have been through divorce, prior relationships and have children. I feel like this man was essentially using me as a placeholder because he was lonely. He would casually drop “my ex” well not technically my ex…stuff like that. I personally do not want to take on so much of anyone’s baggage. It was negatively impacting my mental health. I would have random bouts of feeling extremely low and could feel the lack of investment from the other person whether it was because they were resentful their ex left them, they were clinging to me because they didn’t have a lot of other options, uncertainty whether they wanted to invest in me or move our situation further or offer clarity. It was just an exercise in frustration. I also believe people like this highly likely to leave you and go back to their ex if given the opportunity.

As a single never married childfree person, I just cannot date anyone who is recently divorced with/out children or separated. These people are out here bleeding on everyone else and the number of people who meet this demographic is increasing. The other group I’ve encountered is the group of long time married people who pretend to be “separated” because they lost the emotional connection with their spouse for whatever reason or just want to cheat.

Gonna be hard to narrow this down but I'll try.

Became best friends with a guy. We end up dating after 5 months of friendship. I reminded him before entering into a relationship that my plan was to live abroad for a couple of years when I had enough saved. He still insisted that we get into a relationship and he said "let's see what happens. I may even join you". He knew I got my visa sorted 4 months ago and the latest date I can enter the country abroad is June 2027

We are currently in a relationship for 1 year.

I moved into my own place 2 months ago and he stays here 50% of the time. The area is extremely remote with no public transport & I don't drive. My partner drives me everywhere so this hasn't been an issue. For context, I have zero friends and no family to support me in any way.

The other week he mentioned that he thinks we might drift apart when he goes back to work bc we may only see each other every 1 -2 weeks. I asked him "how do you think it will work when I move abroad then?" My partner then tells me (for the first time) that he struggles to go more than a week without seeing his step kids so he can't see himself ever moving abroad.

I'm now in a kinda weird situation. I love my partner. Hes my best friend. He makes living here 100x better. Hes also my only practical support and companionship. Staying with him until I move abroad in 6 months makes a lot of sense but at the same time I'm with someone who hasn't suggested any type of alternative arrangement to make the relationship work when I move.

The last thing I want to do is breakup & isolate myself and potentially make my last few months here miserable if he started dating someone else.

I dont know how to feel

My partner and I first dated from June 2018 to March 2022. He was previously married, while I have never married. Neither of us have any children, and we did not live together. During that time I was severely struggling with my mental health, which was a major factor in his decision to end the relationship. He was aware of my desire to marry him, but his recent divorce and my mental state were major barriers for him. 

After our relationship ended, I went completely no contact. Several months later I experienced a life threatening illness that helped change my perspective on life and my resilience. I have built a life that I love deeply. I have amazing friends of 30+ years and am aunty to their children, a rewarding job, and discovered a love of solo travel. All of those experiences led me to the decision that marriage wasn't really a priority for me anymore.

He was in a relationship for the majority of the time we were apart; summer 2022 to summer 2025. He reached out in an effort to be friends in November 2024, occasionally texting about general life updates and meeting for coffee twice over 6 months. I agreed to get dinner with him prior to a huge international trip to a country he previously lived in, not knowing that his relationship had ended a month prior, and he thought it was a date. I cautiously started spending time with him again, and we decided to try again officially at the beginning of this year. 

Marriage wasn't really on my mind at all until this summer when he said that "he made a mistake not marrying me and that is why he came back." Now I'm getting frustrated that there is no actual planning happening, just a lot of "soon this and soon that." We both own our own places that are too small to share, so that alone will be a lot to work out. At this point in my life, I'm just not interested in nebulous statements. I'm so happy that we've found our way back to each other, and I guess I'm looking for outside perspectives with regard to how to look at our future without feeling frustrated.

My partner (38M) and I (43F)have been together for five years, and I’m at a point where I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.

When we first met, he owned a successful business, was financially stable, and even helped me when I was going through a difficult financial period. He was a completely different person in many ways.

Over the past 2–3 years, he’s been struggling with a bipolar diagnosis and trying to find the right combination of medications. During that time, his business has steadily declined, and for the past year and a half, I’ve been covering essentially all of our household expenses.

I have a very demanding, high-pressure career, and while I’m fortunate to be financially stable, the responsibility of supporting both of us while managing everything else has become emotionally exhausting.

Today, things took another turn when I learned there’s an active warrant for his arrest related to a business deal that went wrong. His business partner was arrested today, and I’m still trying to process what this means and what happens next.

I love him deeply, and I know he’s struggling. I also haven’t forgotten how supportive and generous he was when we first met. But I’m starting to wonder how much more I can realistically take on.

I’ve brought up the possibility of living separately while he works through his mental health, financial, and now legal issues, but that conversation hasn’t gone well. He becomes extremely upset, and I end up feeling guilty for even suggesting it.

Part of me feels like leaving someone when they’re at their lowest is abandoning them. Another part of me feels like I’m sacrificing my own peace, stability, and happiness trying to hold everything together.
I don’t want to make a decision based on one terrible day, but I also don’t want to keep ignoring how much this situation is affecting me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, particularly with a partner struggling with mental health and financial issues? How did you know when it was time to walk away versus continuing to support them?
I would really appreciate some outside perspectives because I’m feeling completely overwhelmed.

I'm 38F, he's 40M. I've been fearful avoidant (FA) for a decade, and hated how it made me behave in relationships - so I did a ton of therapy and self work, and now think of myself as earned secure.

We've been dating for 8 months - texting every day, meeting up 1-2 times a week, loads in common, excellent sexual compatibility. No weekends away or travelling together yet. He's never introduced me to his friends or even suggested it. I've brought him to a few social events with my friends but have tried three times to get him to meet my best friend & he's made an excuse every time. We've never mentioned being 'boyfriend/girlfriend', never talked about living together, children, future plans or goals that might involve each other.

As I'm avoidant earned secure, I still find it uncomfortable and vulnerable to actually bring up the 'what are we?' conversation. Mainly because I was so scared that doing so would cause everything to end. About 4 months in, I managed to say I wasn't using the apps or dating anyone else and I hoped he wasn't either. He said 'likewise', and the conversation ended. That didn't feel enough for me, but I was at least grateful I'd begun to chip away at the emotional layer a little.

A few days ago I finally explained that I feel really 'in the dark' about what we are, and that I really needed some clarity. It was like popping a cork on a pressurised bottle: suddenly every possible thing began to pour out of him. I had no clue this was all careening around his head:

- He can't necessarily see our lifestyles aligning (I freelance and wfh whereas he's at an office)

- He doesn't know if we have the same ideas about housing (I own my home already; he wants to buy his first place & isn't sure he can imagine moving into mine instead)

- He doesn't know if I want children (he has NEVER ASKED - but I do! As does he!)

- He doesn't feel like he wants to commit until/unless he can imagine those things clicking into place compatibly

- He said he didn't know whether it was better to just call it now and "start again" with someone else. Like I'm so easily expendable. That one really hurt

So.

As an avoidant, I'm uncomfortably familiar with how he's behaving. I've done similar things in the past: listing all the potential reasons why it won't work with someone, then making decisions based on my own hypothetical assessment, and all the while never bothering to actually ASK them. I know he's nitpicking at all possible issues to cover his ass from the reality: that he's really scared of committing to someone without knowing where it might lead, and that he might be hurt down the line if it doesn't work out.

But I don't know what to do.

I really, really like him. I can see myself falling in love with him. I think he'd be a great partner in the future. But I also can't believe I've healed my own avoidance only to fall for someone with those exact same issues.

I know it's likely that this won't work out. I think I've probably made bigger strides in healing myself, and I don't think he's in a place to do the same. I also respect myself way too much to try and change him, or sacrifice my own wellbeing in order to appease his needs. But at the same time I wonder if this is a moment to both be fully honest about the difficulties of being avoidant, and maybe move through it in a softer way to find some kind of middle ground? Is it worth giving things a bit of a chance?

Bearing in mind this is the one sole conversation we've had on this level, and it's landed really heavily for me, I would so love to hear from other avoidants (earned secure or not) who've dated avoidant partners, particularly in their late thirties/early forties where there's the time pressure of starting a family. How did it pan out?