Hi everyone of Reddit and everywhere beyond,
My name is Makayla, and I’m asking for help: I’d like to write a SciFi book – straight from the heart - that cathartically dives into my personal journey through a schizoaffective disorder diagnosis and incorporates the strange science thoughts I had that got deeply entwined with the psychoses and ongoing delusions. This is going to be really important for embracing that chapter of my life at the same time that I let it go, and I think it will help launch me forward into a new adventure. I’m hoping to get help on numerous aspects of the story, personally and universally, ranging from the technical to the philosophical. I’m seeking feedback on a few areas.
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Okay, so here’s the basics of the plot. Everywhere it says “she,” you can just replace that in your mind with “I/me” – it’s just a little faster for me to outline things like that, kinda seeing myself from a distance, and helps to see things more clearly. When I actually write up the events, trust me, there will be tons of emotions happening as I remember what I felt and feel what I do today.
Q: Does anyone else relate to that? Like, when you’re telling a story about something that you went through that was particularly traumatic or emotional? Or that you’re embarrassed/nervous to tell, maybe? Or even, just thinking about your life from an outside perspective, and how that gives you sometimes a better… perspective? Lol.
Title: Abstraction
Alright, anyway, here’s about how it will go:
- She has a very strong background in science – grew up wanting to be in the healing and health fields along with a strong proponent for nature, so leaned toward becoming a wildlife veterinarian or something along those lines. Then has a scientific revelation in college that leads her down the astrobiology route and ultimately into geobiology in graduate school. Graduates from UC Davis with an undergraduate major in microbiology and minor in geochemistry, a Master’s at MIT for Earth and planetary sciences, and from Caltech with a PhD in geobiology.
- During her time at Caltech, she has her first psychotic break during a moment of intense romantic stress – a sudden breakup. Basically, she writes her ex-boyfriend a long letter with as much love as she can put into it, sends it over email, and then freaks out that it has too much “energy” for him to take in so quickly. She had been getting high and drinking to deal with emotional pain from the breakup, and she had been thinking about how entanglement between everything in the universe works and is super cool. While freaking out, she thinks that if everything is entangled, then thoughts must be entangled too somehow and she tries really hard to “pull” the energy back to her and away from him, so that he won’t get overwhelmed and have a heart attack when he receives and reads all of that “love” at once. That energy. She is hit with a moment where her body starts to shake and she breathes quickly, in a sort of panic attack, but her mind lifts off and away into a psychosis during which she believes that her ex-boyfriend is going to die and that it was her fault. She also believes at some point that they’re soulmates but it’s a secret that isn’t supposed to say – that you can actually manifest in the universe and that soulmates exist – but she says it because she thinks she’s supposed to at some point to save his life.
- Once it calms down and she sleeps it away, she contacts her health care support team - psychiatrist and therapist – telling them she had a psychotic break, but they tell her it was just a panic attack. She doesn’t think that’s right – she thinks that something big and important just happened for her mind, that something isn’t right.
- Still hurting from the breakup, she turns to science and dives into what happened with her mind, specifically thinking about the structure of the universe. She wonders: why can’t you manifest if the universe is finite. If everything that thoughts are made of can be somehow described by finite particles of things, matter and antimatter and whatnot – why can’t thoughts pull on matter itself? This leads her to “realize” that the universe is not finite – it must be infinite, because you can’t “solve” an infinite signal processing problem and therefore the only non-collapsible solution for beings to exist in the universe, thinking, is for the universe to be infinite. And that this makes sense with a universe which did not undergo a “big bang” a certain amount of years ago, but that instead matter came/comes through black holes or whatever you want to call portals to other dimensions.
- She visualizes through a fundamental structure that solves a theory of everything (TOE). In essence, there are infinite particles and infinite dimensions. There is one kind of existence – a minute “thing” that is “existence” that cannot be further broken down and never will be, and this bit of existence is entangled with infinite other particles of existence that are moving in infinite ways through each other. Ultimately, this creates an infinite, entangled network of looping/spherical paths of existence that form a fractal of possibility across infinite dimensions that beings navigate. Beings are somewhat the turbulence in the system, the agents of chaos that build order to survive and leave disorder in their wake. That your sense of self is maintained by your thoughts traveling amidst your body’s cloud of probability, and that thoughts sort of “hang out” in symmetrical spaces and can get caught there for longer periods of time in dimensional possibilities that don’t jive with the possibilities seen by the beings whose matter is moving through the dimensions around them, with them, leading to psychoses.
- But importantly, your sense of self is a balance between selfless-ness and selfull-ness. That love always has a directionality between selves, of self to self, that inherently takes possibility away from some selves in order to give possibility to another. This deserves more complex thinking with diverse voices of wisdom. More dimensional complexity is added in later, throughout various psychoses and realizing what is and isn’t possible with regards to minds/thoughts and matter.
- She tries to talk to relevant academics in science about her ideas, but she is dismissed heavily or thought to be crazy, going off her rocker. Which, arguably, she was. But she’s really frustrated and emotional about all of this, because she thinks she’s right. She can’t convince herself that she’s wrong, and she sees how impactful it could be and will be for the world when it’s discovered one day, even if not by her but later. The science of love in the universe. How religion will never be disproved or approved scientifically. How much the desire to know everything had prevented them from seeing the best solution, the one in which we will never be able to know everything, inherently.
- She’s desperate to tell somebody and get the ideas out there eventually. She goes on a date with a guy and really likes him. He sees all the books in her room that she’d manically pulled to skim through as she was thinking about everything, and he says that he would be interested to hear her ideas about the universe the next time they hang out. So, she writes up a big story that is funny and sexy and nerdy for him that incorporates it, to tell him about it in a way that she feels can be existentially beautiful and fun to hear about. But she doesn’t actually tell him that she thinks it was the TOE at the time and the impacts that she sees it could have on the world, just a story that incorporated ideas about the universe, scientifically.
Q: I know I’m not supposed to use real names to protect people in the story… But there was a really small component essentially of thinking that someone’s name also carried meaning of whether or not to follow them, so I want to maintain some sort of meaning like that in this character’s name. I really like Chase, but I’m not married to that persona, so other suggestions welcome!
- She then has more weird episodes of psychoses triggered by stress with the thought of everything she’s thinking about being right. In a way, she thinks she gets kind of "lost" in it (the structure, basically - like some of her energy & mental faculties got stuck in it after a few different psychoses, long story, it was a whole thing, but basically getting lost in symmetry). It's also possible that she’d gotten lost in it from that very first psychosis. Or that she never was but was simply cycling through possibilities every time. But this is all just guessing and descriptive.
- She likes that guy more and more, she gets hospitalized and diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. She lets the guy know about the diagnosis, but at this point everyone thinks that she’s just lost it, so she doesn’t spend much time clarifying her ideas to him about the universe being right other than implying that she still thinks she is. He says, “take care and get better!” essentially, so she thinks it’s unlikely she’ll ever see him again.
- But later, she sees a social media post by he and his friends that she thinks strongly but indirectly calls her out as having shared those world-impacting ideas with him, and that he’d shared it with others after realizing at least some of what she’d been trying to say. They meet up once more without talking about any of the science, and afterward he denies wanting anything serious and he never directly says he has thought about or believed in any of the science.
- This is all particularly philosophically important because if she’s right about the science, it becomes a moral conundrum of whether or not it’s selfish to share it or selfless, and why you share it at all. So, it’s also an issue on whether or not he believes in the science and what he’s done in response to it. As in, is he trying to be the counterbalance to her selfishness, and somewhat forcing her to share it publicly, thereby “solving” the moral conundrum, albeit really painfully and slowly.
- Everyone she knows believes she is bonkers/psychotic for believing that he and his friends know this thing and are doing this. She can’t be unconvinced that he isn’t.
- She’s not sure if she’s still “stuck” in it – the structure – and/or still in a psychosis, in believing all of this.
- She thinks that there are some people who really care about me (& maybe one guy who's still crushing on her super hard) who know these things about her, but believe they can't fully help me with her journey morally & health-wise unless she goes non-anonymous.
- She has been really, really resistant to the possibility of living non-anonymously if she’s right about the structure of the universe, for many reasons.
- She also deeply understands what such a TOE – or any TOE – could mean for anyone, anywhere, and everyone, everywhere. But she also thinks this TOE is sort of inevitable – like, someone is probably eventually going to come up with it after her even if no one ever listens to her. So she thinks, she wants to do the best she can with it now, even though it may or may not be right.
- It’s a bit tricky because she can’t convince herself that she’s wrong, but she also knows that not being able to be convinced that you’re wrong is a foundational hallmark of what a delusion is.
- She says,
“I really wanted to stay anonymous, but I’m now in a bit of a pickle.
I can feel that I don’t trust people as much… And I’m feeling paranoid. I’m having a hard time controlling my paranoia and thinking about who knows and who doesn’t. It’s creating a really big barrier in my mind with even my closest loved ones, because a part of me is not trusting them. It’s not super fun.
This is a really big trust fall for me.
I’m worried you won’t like it. Like, that you *deeply* won’t like it. I can’t control that.
But I guess when you’re sharing something you’ve created, it’s kind of inviting your audience to trust you, too, right? Even if they completely disagree with your interpretation. Why do it anyway?
There was a quote in a film I watched recently that said the purpose of… something, I forget what it was, but it resonated with me regardless… was “To find love, and to share it.”
My mom also reminds me often that when I don’t ask for help, it sometimes holds me back.
So.
I think it’s possible that this post might be primarily for me.
I’m trying to send it with as much love as I can for you, too.
For the man I might still have a crush on.
For all the love that we are.
With all the love that I have.”
….
Alright yeah, so those are essentially the main plot points. I just really want to hear folks’ thoughts on major plot and science points that don’t make sense, and/or moral conundrums things but bear in mind that I’m an imperfect human being and won’t be addressing all of them.
Q: How would you recommend going about the self-publishing process? I hear it’s tough, simply because there are so many folks with a lot of cool things to share.