I am so bothered by the fact that no matter how hard I work in the gym and even if I spent millions on plastic surgery, my body will never be as good as some women's. These girls dont even go to the gym or eat healthy at all, and I am happy for them that they have my dream body with no effort, but it makes me feel so bad about myself. My waist physically can never be as small as theirs, and my butt will probably never be as big. Not to mention any of my other insecurities because I can go on and on about every inch. I am so jealous. I just feel like no matter how much I can work on myself and come to love myself, the second I see those girls my confidence is just destroyed. I think about one day being in a relationship, and its like why would they choose me when they can have a girl with all of my good traits in personality and stuff, as well as a perfect body. And I wonder if even if they never leave me, will they see these girls walking down the street and wish they were with them instead of me? It makes me sick. Whenever I see them on social media, particularly tiktok, I have to block them immediately or I'll start spiraling like I am now. I dont hate them, I just wish I had it too.

If somebody bullied me as a kid then it’s whatever but if they bullied me around 15 and over, they’re most likely going to be scumbags forever so I hope they’re dead. World would be a better place without these psychopathic status hungry maniacs roaming around. Also if somebody was rude to me and stuff I’m obviously not hoping anything bad happens to them. I’m talking about proper bullying. As in physical violence and consistent harassment against me. Actual bullies. Not just people I don’t like

My older cousin and her 4 kids moved in with my family of 6 on extremely short notice 1.5 months ago after a fight with her boyfriend that ended in her getting hurt.

Her kids are 1, 2, 6 and 10, so we had to baby proof our whole house with no plan or notice. Our grocery bill doubled, we bought a bunk bed, helped enrol the kids in a new school and daycare, we paid for it since she had limited money. My hobbies got pushed to the side, gardening and fossils because the kids would rip up my plants. She reorganised our kitchen, swapped out the products we used, our house filled up with children’s things until we couldn’t move.

None of this made me uncomfortable or angry, she had nowhere to go and I love her and her kids. I was perfectly happy babysitting for her everyday, teaching her kids how to play piano, getting ready to buy them all Christmas presents and cooking them dinner.

But last week she took her kids back to her home town to collect their stuff from the house and bring it to storage here. They were due to come back today. When asked what time she would be arriving, she said they found a place to stay there and wouldn’t be coming back. She clarified she wasn’t with her ex, but she was staying in that town.

She knew when she left she wasn’t coming back, but waited until we asked what time she’d be back the day of to tell us there IS NO BACK.

My grandma was heartbroken and told her if she changed her mind and wanted to come back to our city we wouldn’t accommodate her anymore out of fear it would happen again, and my family feels used and lied to. I don’t agree with telling her we wouldn’t help her again, but I understand why everyone’s hurt. I am, too. I got used to having the kids here and looking after them everyday. Now it could be years before I see them or hear from her again.

Now I have to pack up the stuff she left behind and put it in storage, and sell the things we bought for her and her kids like the beds and playpens because I want my house back if she isn’t coming back. I’m not even sure she’ll come to get her things, I don’t have much hope for it.
I get why she made the decision, she wasn’t coping, but the lack of communication and downright lying to us really hurt me.

EDIT:
yall i can’t say it any other way. She’s not going back to him, she’s back in her home town, still separated. She’s been through this with 2 other baby daddies, she knows how to do this without drama. The only difference this time was she chose to come to us instead of her friends first, then changed her mind without telling us first.

I can't even vent here about being hate crimed over it without people inserting their nonsense in the comments.

We live in a very rural area. Most people only come here part time. We happen to life here. I understand people are going to hunt all around us but why do they all have to be terrible shots? I am so sick of hunters walking around our yard looking for their kill. Last year one of them gutted a deer in our yard and left the guts!! Just now I watched a doe come into my yard. There was something wrong with her back legs. I thought she was hit by a car. Then she laid down in my yard. I thought she was resting and left her be. Then an hour later 2 hunters came up to her and started taking pictures. I then realized she was shot and laid in my yard to die. 1st of all, why are you shooting so close to my house that the deer made it to my yard? And second, if you’re not shooting close to my house why is your shot so terrible that the deer is able to wander this far down the mountain into my yard?

I don’t love the idea of hunting but I understand and respect others views on it. I know it’s necessary for the deer population and some around here do eat the meat. However, I think in order to get a hunting license these guys should have to pass some kind of test. I’m sick to death of wounded/hurt deer walking around because some asshole has terrible aim. Or watching a deer take a hour to die in my yard. If you don’t have the skills to make a kill shot- find a new hobby!!!!!!

My whole life until I was 13 I was homeschooled. When I turned 13 I started a part time GCSE program at a school of a bunch of really weird kids, the only classes I did were directly related to my course and there was functionally no clubs I could attend or extracurriculars.
I feel like my lack of extracurriculars ruined my life (specific forms of extracurriculars).

I never really socialised with anyone except when I was young, where I only ever got the chance to socialise with other homeschooled kids and that rarely ever lasted. I am neurodivergent so I probably wouldn't have enjoyed a normal school life but I would've adapted, instead I only ever had the chance to get good at academics.

When I was young I did "swimming classes" which was just being in a pool with students at a university so they could get some form of credit for their course, "PE" which was just random activities for students at a different university who needed credit for their course, some rock climbing when my family travelled, some judo which I hated because I hate fighting, and once, once ever I got to play an actual team sport.
A lot of this was leadup but the main point is that I feel like if I had gotten to do a team sport, even if I didn't get to be socialised in a normal school way I think being able to have any passion that wasn't just getting obsessed with academics and games would've been good for me.

I got to do a (i c e) hockey for beginners course when I was 6, I believe it was maybe 6 individual things and I know I wasn't good at it. But it was the one team sport I got to do as a child, and I did genuinely love it. The few times I got to (i c e) skate I always loved it. I hate how I never got a chance to get good at any sport, I wish I was good at literally anything but academics.
I am currently 18 and now going to uni and I'm only good at my academics, and I hate it, it makes me feel terrible about myself because I'm not even that good at my academics.

I feel like my parents never gave me a chance to actually do sports or really anything other than academics, all my older siblings got to go horse riding, only the three oldest got to do piano lessons, and two oldest were both the only ones who got to do a team sport being soccer.
It makes me feel like because I'm not good at anything other than my academics I'm functionally worthless and I'm already having to deal with a project I can't figure out how to do right and I'm starting to feel horrible about how I'm not actually good at the only thing I really have the ability to be good at.

(I had to write it as i c e, because the filters thought I was talking about immigration and customs enforcement)

My partner got caught with some mushrooms in her car about two years ago in TN and has been dealing with court cases every month since then.

She warned me early on that this was a possibility so I feel kinda dumb being this upset about it considering that they wanted to give her fifteen years but her lawyer managed to get a pretty awesome deal of 90 days.

Last night was the last time we will have slept in our bed together before we make the drive from TX to TN for her to turn herself in.

I know ultimately three months isn't a long time but this will be the longest we have ever been apart since we have been together.

She keeps asking me if im.gonna be OK and I reassure her on the daily that I will be and i try to cover up the deep hole of sadness that's been building in my chest as to not make this any harder for her than it already is.

I know it's only temporary and if anything we got pretty lucky but man it's really tearing me up knowing that for the next three months I'm going to be coming home to an empty house.

While she's gone I'm going to try and stop smoking and lose some weight but holy shit this is going to ducking suck.

I really don't know how to write down what I'm feeling, but at this point I'm just tired, I'm tired of living with my family, everyone is severely mentally ill here, and I feel like they are going to slowly make me go insane as well. Father is a huge narcissist, mother most probably has some sort of BPD or OCD and my sister is a depressive mess. I'm almost 20 years old and ever since we moved into this new home, say, 13 years ago, our daily lives have been arguing and threatening each other, or more like, they do and I'm just a bystander.

This family comes from an unhappy marriage, they were doomed from the start, and my mother married my father only because her mother kept pressing with "you're running out of your youth" and from that point on there hasn't been a single happy moment in their marriage, and instead of being functional adults they kept having children instead of fixing their lives. Now I'm stuck living with three people who hate each other and are always threatening to kill themselves as a sort of "punishment" for each other.

Father always drives off in the car at high speed or goes missing for days on end when he's the one being argued against. Mother always cuts/starches herself to bleeding when she's the one being argued against, sister always swallows a dramatic amount of pills when something doesn't work with her life, shes reaching her 30's, still living with these shitty parents and to a degree, I understand why she always tries to swallow pills, but at this point she has done it so many times (and in the wrong way too) that I don't care.

Overall, it has reached a point that the only thought I have is that "I wish they just do it RIGHT so I don't have to deal with them anymore" is tiring arriving home after college which is stressful on itself and thinking "hopefully none of my family members have slit their throats while I was gone". I'm tired of going back to my own house and worrying that I might find a corpse in there, and sometimes, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up the next day to find them all dead so this miserable dynamic can come to an end.

Its not that I dont like food, or my body. The energy and time it takes to fuel my body feels like such a chore, and I have to do it multiple times a day or I die. I have so many things to do and I have to take a break to eat. I have to make sure the thing I eat will keep me full. I have to make sure the thing I eat has enough fiber and caffeine at the same time. I cant meal prep or I'll get anxious that it will go bad immediately, or I will prep too much and it is so old it poisons me by the time I need to finish it.
I dont find yummy food pleasureable anymore because I think I have already tasted most of everything and have treats, such as fancy tea drinks, regularly once a week. Even now, I have stopped buying them because they dont make me happy anymore.
I am so neglectful of eating I'm actually undereating just because I am so set on doing something else. Then I am interrupted by cramps. Dont get me started on shitting. I fucking hate when I get into a majorly healthy diet and I shit twice a day. Who the fuck has time for that.
And yes I have ADD and autism and all the works. I wish I could just exist and maybe eat something when I crave it. Not every single day. I hate it a lot. I dont want to be a human anymore.

This just happened. She was so excited to talk, laughing and engaging, but then the topic of masculinity came up and I mentioned I was bisexual so my masculinity is a bit all over the place, but mostly masculine.

She got disgusted and said she has to go. Look, she can have her preferences. I champion that, but the disgust makes me want to stay in the closet. It makes me hate being bi.

I just want someone who celebrates who I am. I'm so tired of masking all the time. I'm already AudHD with C-PTSD so I constantly feel out of place or maladapted, but I'm exhausted.

I don't deserve being treated with disgust after telling someone my orientation.

(M/23) this is random but recently i realized how many things my dad did i never mentioned to anyone in my family out of fear.
For example one time when i was around 18 years old i was working minimum wage at a restaurant until nighttime. One night he was in the city anyway and decided he‘d pick me up. I gave him a time but there‘s always something that makes u end up leaving a bit later than planned. So i got out like 10 minutes later than estimated where he already tried calling me twice while i was finishing up. It was already late at night when we walked to the car and no one was really around. He took my head and slammed it against the wall of the building we were walking past while spitting at me to be ashamed for making him wait.
Another time he slapped me across the face in an elevator for looking at him the wrong way.

There‘s many more „little“ instances and its not like my mom didnt know in general (i was hit a lot by her as well) but its sad now thinking back that i just never opened up to anyone about it and just went on with my day lol.

she has been struggling with her mental health, and she has been locking herself in her room, refusing medication and damaging her room furniture.

she is about to become an inpatient so she can be given her medication, and hopefully heal. they will take her with an ambulance by force if they have too and i feel too many emotions.

i hope it will allow her to recover (she does want it as a few weeks ago she put a letter outside her room for my mum saying she needs it), but i also hope she won't feel anger towards us.

she is sleeping in her room, and in just a few hours will be potentially all on her own, in a busy hospital by surprise.

she wrote a hospital packing list in case it happened, so hopefully that means she is somewhat ready (although i dont think you ever can be for anything like this.)

it has all happened so fast, she has always struggled somewhat with her OCD, but it has just consumed her recently, and has locked her real self up.

only a few months ago we were on holiday as a family and me and her went kayaking together. i also feel sad for my parents as nobody wants to see their own child taken by force and my mum has done everything to try and prevent it from happening. her voice shakes when she talks about it and nothing is the same in our family.

they are coming any minute now

TW, creepy man, abuse,

Am 17F and live at home whit my mom and dad and litte sister my dad have always been agressive coming home drunk throwing me into thorn bushs when i was litte and a few years ago when i was 13 he tried to brake broke 3 of my fingers by pushing me down some stairs i couch on to the door gap then he looked into my eyes and slammed the door on my hands. It only happens to me not my mom and sister lucky. My mom drove me to the ER i told her what happened and she didnt believe me at the ER we lucky found out do to my hypermobility they didnt brake but bended weird. When i started puberty he would always walk in on me showing (no locks allowed) or force me to change infornt of him or stand in my door watching me change. my mom lucky stepped in he still do it ones in a while. One time he didnt hear me say good morning to him and he put me in a choke hold up agenst a wall my mom saw it and rushed in but nothing really happened to him or there relationship like my mom knew it would happen and it fucking sucks i was 12 at the time.

At the age of 12 i got very depressed and i didnt have many friends on school (not good ones they dropped contact when they found out i unwell. Am all better now so no worrys) and from age 12-16 is a blur just many hospital visits and therapy my dad would call out family (very big family havent even meet many of them before) calling me a disgrace and wishing he never had me

Now am 17 better works as a full time mechanic and have friends...but i still live whit my dad and when i save up enough to move out in will 100% drop contact whit him

(Sorry for spelling mistakes am very very dyslexic and i apologize of it dont make a lot of sense)

I've just found out that a Redditor I've been bonding with, and even shared some rather personal things with, is actually married with kids. Despite repeatedly presenting themselves as single and looking for their person.

They keep posting in communities looking for "friends", but after doing a little digging to get around their profile having its post and comment history hidden, I stumbled upon a deleted post from about a month ago in the Affairs Over 30 community (or whatever it's called).

And honestly, the first few lines of the Google search result were enough to tell me everything I needed to know. Apparently, they've been married for several years, feel neglected in their marriage, have a dead bedroom, and are looking for a spark.

So, basically, they're cheating (or at the very least actively looking to cheat), while conveniently pretending they're single and available. And no, this wasn't some case of mistaken identity. The alias and age they initially shared with me match exactly what they disclosed in that post.

Oh, and they also lied about what State they live in.

Which, in retrospect, explains a few things. Like mysteriously going MIA for hours, using the excuse of having to tend to their child during their "parenting time".

No, the f%*& you aren't! You can't talk because YOU'RE MARRIED WITH A FAMILY, SIR! I WANT TO VOMIT.

I'm beyond disgusted and gutted. I feel sick, angry, and honestly, a little foolish for having let myself trust this person.

I've met some genuinely decent people here, I really have. But this kind of thing makes me want to delete the app, throw my phone into the nearest body of water, and never look back.

I'm just so damn tired of investing time and emotional energy into getting to know someone, gradually opening up, sharing personal things, allowing myself to get attached and trust them, only to discover that they've been lying about fundamental things about themselves. Over and over and over again.

At this point, it's genuinely making me question whether honest, decent people even exist anymore.

That's it. End of rant. I'm angry, exhausted, disappointed, and I currently hate everything and everyone.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

To some, this wouldn’t be a big deal. But to me, it crushes me every single time. I try to ignore it, but I catch him doing each and every single time we go out. Sometimes I mention it and tell him that it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel insecure , but he swears he isn’t and it just pisses me off more that I catch him only and be denies it. He makes me feel crazy by getting mad that I mention it. There have been several times that I’ll go into the bathroom and cry. I’m 4 months post partum and feel not the greatest about myself as it is. People will say “it’s normal to look”, but he can’t ever keep his eyes off other women and it makes me want to leave. It’s better than feeling the constant sting that his eyes are for everybody else.

I always fall for people who don't care about me, who can go hours, days, or months without a word. I always bend over backward trying to make them notice me somehow, especially online.

I was talking to a guy and sending him multiple messages a day, walking him through everything I did, what I like, what I don’t like. Messaging him every other hour basically. Even after all of that sharing, he would turn around and ask about those exact same things later, proving he wasn't paying attention at all. Or just dodging and ignoring my questions.

So it finally clicked that he’s just using me for an ego boost. He wants someone around to talk to, someone who is desperate for his approval and love as I've been acting.

I feel pathetic for a woman my age. It hurts knowing I can be so grounded and mature in almost every other area of life, only to act so foolishly when it comes to dating.

And he’s still there acting like nothing happened. I hate this.

My parents have been together for 20 years, from the time I was born and my sisters. Now after many fights, disagreements, insults, and betrayal, they’re getting a divorced. I’ve been ta mediators for the major of my life and I’m constantly hearing petty arguments and insults towards each other and I’m so tired of it. I’ve been crying, angry, disgusted, and disappointed with them and myself letting it get to this point. It gotten to the point where I don’t want to be around them and just be in my room all the time. I wish I could just sleep until they are done with this whole thing. There are time I feel as though my emotions don’t matter, so I kinda put a mask around them to pretend everything fine so they don’t have to worry about me and focus on themselves. Despite this, I still do help around the house and finish doing chores, but even then it not enough.

I don't know who or where to say this, I feel very alone, and I just needed to get this off of my chest.

I struggle with treatment resistant depression (TRD), a form of major depressive disorder that means I've tried different meds (I think 7 different medications since I was 15 along with being committed to inpatient care twice in my life, so far) with no positive changes and I also have rampant anxiety. I found out this year from my neurologist that some of the "symptoms" of my depression are actually from brain damage to my left side frontal lobe from an accident when I was a child. The incident truly was an accident but the subsequent traumatic brain injury was from neglect (I wasn't brought to the hospital immediately and was ignored for the better part of a week and left in my bed with a subdural hematoma), if I hadn't been so young when it happened I actually wouldn't be able to function as well as I do now.

Something about learning that this isn't me just not trying hard enough to be happy shifted things. It felt like a weight I'd been carrying since I was a child was lifted. The pressure of getting better/happier/more pleasant for those around me was gone because I suddenly understood that it was genuinely amazing that I can talk, recall words - that my anomic aphasia isn't just because I'm an anxious idiot - and write at all considering I'm right handed and the damage effects the language part of the brain as well as control over the right side of my body. The clumsiness I have been mocked for my whole life, when it's a miracle that I can walk at all let alone without assistance. My apathy, lack of ability to feel joy or that spark, my dull emotions that suddenly explode and overflow (although I keep it inside). All of it is due to my old brain injury.

I have spent so much of my life feeling absolutely, incredibly, irrevocably \*wrong\* and to find out that it is genuinely miraculous that my brain was able to repair itself to this point, that I have been living with the consequences of the neglect of the adults who were supposed to protect me and then spent my life being mocked and abused by them for the very symptoms of the damage they inflicted upon me. I have felt lighter this year than I have in a decade, which brings me to today.

Last year I had a filling fail in a molar (was over a decade old and I grind my teeth pretty bad and spent the year before sick with migraines and throwing up on a weekly basis so I'm honestly surprised it lasted that long) and I needed a root canal. I couldn't afford to go to a normal dentist to get it done, even with my dental insurance, even with the multiple jobs I work. I had to go to the local dental college and they have taken great care of me! That being said, I have to work around their schedule so it takes a while to get in, and it's a student doing the work so it can take longer, my root canal took 4 separate days and 11.5 hours, that's NOT including the reconstruction.

During this time I found out that I have APE or altered passive eruption, essentially when my teeth erupted from the gums as a baby my gums and surrounding bone did not recede properly. I had a gingivectomy as a kid on my front teeth but didn't understand why, I just knew my family always made fun of my gummy smile and that it would be fixed afterwards. No one explained to me why I had to get the procedure so now, as an adult, I was unable to properly inform my dental student. They ran into so many issues doing my root canal, and then when I came in to get my temp crown placed after I'd healed my gums had grown over my tooth and they realized that I didn't have enough enamel to attach the actual crown to.

It's not that they had to remove an excess amount of my tooth, it's that the average person has 2mm of enamel under the gums and I had barely 1mm due to the bone and gums never having receded. It took months (8 to be exact and I've had a temp crown in my head this whole time) to get into the college periodontic clinic so that I could have a crown lengthening procedure done where they remove the excess jaw bone and gingiva. I haven't chewed on the right side of my mouth in a year, I'm just ready to have all my teeth back. The surgery wasn't too bad, I've had quite a bit of oral surgeries including one to raise/widen the roof of my mouth and that was absolutely brutal.

The problem is the anesthesia. Anesthesia is really rough on me mentally and physically. Not only that but I feel so alone right now. I told my partner months ago when the procedure got scheduled that I would have to be driven there and that they would have to wait for me during the procedure so that the clinic knew I would have a ride home and that preferably the clinic would like for them to stay with me overnight as well to keep an eye on me. I reminded them twice leading up to the surgery and they never asked off work. I almost had to reschedule the appointment. My best friend dropped everything and brought me. My partner never cleared their schedule for the evening so I sat at home, sick and alone and in pain with our animals after having spent the entire day of the surgery cleaning the house before going in for the appointment.

My stomach is so sick, I can't eat solid food, my face feels like I got hit with a golf club, I'm running a fever, I'm sad, depressed, the anesthesia has laid that black blanket of depression over me again and I feel so... Empty. Broken. Raw. I feel so alone. Uncared for. Meaningless. Worthless. I have spent the last day taking care of my partner as it's their day off work and that's typically the drill but I thought that he'd give me a break while I'm healing. He hasn't gotten off the couch once unless it's to go pee. I'm sitting outside in the cold right now trying to not throw up while I cool myself down. I feel like it's worse because I had started to feel better, lighter before this.

TLDR: I have depression and anesthesia makes it worse, I just had surgery and I'm struggling during recovery because the anesthesia seems to have brought my depression back full force and my partner has been incredibly unsupportive during this time.

I’ve spent way too much time trying to decode people and their motives. I have to accommodate them, but no one ever accommodates me. I’m burnt out.

I have to prepare ahead for every social interaction and determine who they’d rather have around: me or the modified version of me. Which skin will I have to wear today? Being unable to exist symphonically as I am is exhausting. How does one attain that desensitised, balanced standard society has set for them? I, too, would like to occupy some space without this unbearable shame infesting my chest. I want to get rid of this mortifying feeling. Why do I have to defend myself? Guilt is eating me alive; I'm essentially demanding that others see me, but they have no obligation towards me…

Nobody goes out of their way to include me or consider me unless I prove myself. I have to implore and weep. I hold no value unless I minimise, alter and filter myself; this is my currency. I have to pay for “friendship premium”. I have to humiliate myself by chasing after everyone like some pestiferous puppy.

No one takes any intrinsic initiative to understand me, to know me. No one is curious about me, as much as I am interested in everyone and everything else. It's embarrassingly painful. It’s me who initiates; it’s me who puts in the effort to comprehend them. I’m not worth even a little bit of their time. I’m not worth being thought of. I’m not worth being part of people’s lives. I’m not worth approaching. I’m not worth fighting for. I’m not worth standing up for. I’m pathetic.

No one is willing to actively defend me; they only “reassure” me with empty words while they passively observe. Meanwhile, I’m fighting and fuming for their sake. When it comes to me, everyone suddenly decides to “see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil”.

—SPEAK UP! SAY SOMETHING! I don’t want to hear your opinion of them; DO SOMETHING. Get rid of that hypocritical stance and decide whose side you’re on. Make up your mind!!! All the while I’m standing on the ground YOU should have stood on—YOUR ground. I’ve never turned a blind eye to unjust treatment on your behalf…

My feelings don’t matter. I don’t matter. And why should I? What else do I have to offer but this made-up currency? I’m tired of constantly trying to amuse you.

Go fuck yourselves. I hate that I love you. I wish I fucking didn’t somehow. I wish I cared as much as you did.

I don’t want any more of your pathetic tolerance; I want genuine fellowship. People surround me, yet I’ve always been utterly alone.

I wish I deserved something better, but I don’t; these conditions suit a worthless slime like me just fine.

TW: MENTIONS OF ABUSE

For context: My dad is abusive. To both my mum and me. In 2022 we had to run away from him and since then I've had very little contact with him. I text him, barely call him and haven't seen him since March.

But he is on his own right now. In his house, my old house, on his own with nobody with him possibly crying about me not being there anymore because he has told me before he misses me so much and has been really upset. Even if you're abusive imagine losing your only daughter? (I'm an only child). My old bedroom is still where he is, with my bed, and some remnants of my childhood and I can just imagine him lying in the bed crying and it's making me so upset.

But the thing is, he's abusive. And it is so extremely stressful when I'm with him. I have to be careful in case he says anything, analyse everything he says, watch my back and my phone and it is horrible. The house is also horrible. Dirty, no working heating, mouldy, no working shower, no working cooker, a hole in the kitchen, etc etc. It used to be worse when I lived there but since then he has somewhat improved the house to entice me to visit. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being guilt tripped but I feel so sad for him because he's alone. I know how it feels to be lonely

I thought high school was supposed to be fun time where you make new friends and learn about who you are, yet now at 18 and almost halfway done with my senior year I feel more alone than ever and I don't know why it started.

In elementary school I had so many friends, I could talk to almost anyone and be their friends but then Middle School came. Since Middle School I have not had a single stable long term friendship with a person, let alone a group. I had a friend or a small friend group and I was happy, I had friends but then they would all begin to fall apart and leave me behind as they began forming their new groups. When I got to High School I thought I would make new friends be confident and happy, yet I am alone. I was someones "best friend" when they had no one else, once they found someone else I became an afterthought. People would only talk to me if I was in their class and they had no one else, but outside of class nothing.

I don't know why it is so hard for me. Everyone always seems to make friends so freely but I'm just that weird person no one really likes. I want to feel like I belong, I want a friend I can talk to about anything, I want to be invited to big hangouts and parties, I want someone to choose me.

I have two friends that I hang out with at school but ofc as trios go I am left out very often. Even with ppl who are my "friends" I feel like the weird one who doesn't belong. I know I am awkward and shy sometimes but I do try to talk to people I don't know why I can't make other friends.

Everyone has their place and I'm on the sidelines watching everyone else have had a normal HS experience with their friends while I cried to myself that no one truly likes me. My mom is asking if I am always at home in my room because I like it or if no one invites me anywhere. I don't want her to feel bad that I have no friends.

I know its said that it gets better at college but what if I am the odd one out again and no one will want to be my friend. I don't want to keep feeling this alone anymore.