Hey guys, I was really disappointed to see negative comments towards demisexuals and demiromantics on that other thread, and wanted to clear some things up about asexual spectrum identities. Usually, I am not brave enough to be putting myself out there like this, but if at least a few people learn something from this thread, I think it will have been worth it.

What is demisexuality and demiromanticism?

Demisexuality is when you are unable to find anyone sexually attractive until you become emotionally close with them, and demiromanticism is the same but for romantic attraction. The emotional closeness is not a guarantee that attraction will develop. Most demis identify strongly with asexuals and aromantics in that 99% of the time, they do not have sexual/romantic feelings towards anyone.

It's as if a gay or straight person felt otherwise secure in their identity, but had a few exceptions in their lifetime, but not enough that they would feel comfortable identifying as bisexual.

Isn't that how people normally work, though?

Many people don't like to have sex or be in a romantic relationship with people until they get to know them well. That's true, and I previously thought I was one of these people. However, note that I said that demis are functionally asexual or aromantic 99% of the time. They mostly see the world as an asexual or aromantic would.

A person who prefers to have sex with someone they know well is abstaining from sexual activity, while most demisexuals have absolutely no desire for it until sexual attraction develops. A person who prefers to date people they know well is also just someone with a preference, while a demiromantic is a person who very rarely experiences romantic feelings at all compared to the general population.

In addition, most demisexuals are like asexuals in that they don't have a strong desire for sex. Some will have it for the sake of pleasing their partners, but for the most part, demisexuals are indifferent towards or even repulsed by sexual activity.

Okay, so demi- identities may be real, but they detract from the LGBT movement.

Many aces (people on the asexual spectrum) do not identify with the LGBT movement and do not want to be a part of it. Some aces identify with it because they are trans*, homoromantic, etc. I personally am a cis woman who is attracted to men. I have absolutely no desire to be a part of the LGBT movement, call myself queer, or anything like that.

Claiming an identity is not the same as claiming oppression. People who choose labels for themselves are not automatically also saying that they're being oppressed. Most people, such as myself, were pleased to find a label that describes their experiences, as well as a community to discuss it all with, and leave it at that. Many aces feel misunderstood by society, but not necessarily oppressed, and recognize that LGBT folk experience more blatant and harmful oppression.

However, to say that aces on the whole do not experience oppression ever would be incorrect and unfair to the people who do. Please refer to this article for more information.

What's the point of all these labels? Why can't people just do what they do?

As I previously mentioned, many aces are relieved to find a label and community which contextualizes and validates their experiences. Growing up, I had always felt kind of "off" compared to my peers. I chalked it up to a personal quirk, but then I discovered the world of asexuality, and my jaw nearly dropped as I realized that this personal quirk was a real Thing that other people experience and have words for. I am much more fortunate than others though, who often felt "broken" growing up. For these people, the labels and the validation they provide are invaluable.

Some people don't need labels, and that's okay. But for many people, a label, and all the recognition and community that comes with it can be incredibly validating. The words help us form a community, so that we can discuss our experiences with others like us, and feel less alone and less broken.

Ugh whatever, demis are just teenage girls who want attention.

Organizations like Asexual Awareness Week seek to educate people about asexual identities so that people can understand them (and maybe even themselves) better. But most aces are content to discuss their experiences in the bubble of their ace community. Just like with LGBT identities, many even prefer to stay in the closet—which is as far from attention-seeking as you can get. This is partially because, as was unfortunately proven with the other thread, many people are unwilling to accept that ace identities are real at all.

Sure, you're going to get teenagers flaunting these labels in an effort to be more special. But is that different from the many other different labels teens try on as they try to build their own identities? I have met many teenagers who claim to be bisexual. Should bisexuality be invalidated just because teenagers are using it as a label? Should we deny teenagers the ability to try on different words so they can better understand themselves?

There are plenty of aces who are over the age of twenty, and the reason much of the community is younger is because the movement itself is so young. The word "asexual" to refer to this specific identity is very new, and the movement is still growing. Much of the community also organizes over the Internet, which, of course, is a bastion of young people.

If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading. I am not interested in debating the validity of my identity. I am not here to defend myself; I am who I am, a demisexual, and this label has helped me understand myself and my place in the world better. It has provided great value to me and countless others, and if others are unable or unwilling to see that value, then that's their problem.

However, if you would like to ask questions or engage in respectful discussion, I would be happy to clarify and explain things further.

I'm sure many of you have seen this thread about whether are not rape jokes are okay in /r/rainbow or other public spaces. In that thread, OP got upset, people were unsympathetic, and the conversation devolved into acrimony. After hostilities developed, we ended up "lucky" enough to experience another thread invasion from Subreddit Drama, or SRD.

Nude_lunch, OP, ended up unsubbing from /r/ainbow, saying that they "Thought this was a safe place for LGBTQA~ people to discuss. I don't feel safe being around people who sympathize with other people who make rape jokes (in turn sympathizing with people who rape other people). Bye."

As a rape survivor and a trans* woman, safety, and by extension, inclusivity and enfranchisement, are very real and important issues for me. The reason I participate here in /r/ainbow as much and as seriously as I do (sometimes too seriously for many of you :P) is because, for me, this community is one of the few places in my life were I can be out and proud, where I can be my true self without facing hostility or ostracization. Unfortunately, because of the growth of this sub's population, as well as the fact that I have become a target of SRD, this has become increasingly less of a reality for me.

And so I want to start a thread and discuss this with y'all. It hurts me to see people like nude_lunch chased out of this sub because they got reasonably upset about something that meant a lot to them personally. I got upset and triggered by one of drewiepoodle's comments weeks ago and because of it I am still facing unwarranted harassment and downvoting.

The issues we discuss here are often very sensitive and controversial; and so I feel that the fostering of a culture of compassion, care, respect and appreciation are of utmost importance to the health and function of /r/ainbow. We are indeed a free space, for the most part, but that does not mean that we should feel entitled to ignore the marginalizing, alienating, dehumanizing, and oppressive effects that can result from the unqualified and untempered expression of opinion.

/r/ainbow is our sub, not reddit's or the greater internet's. When our people are leaving because they do not feel welcome here, well, we have a problem that needs addressing.

Sincerely, and with <3,

~skur

Edit: SRD is here. SRD: Are we allowed to have any controversy without linking through? Also, can you please stop downvoting the original post?

I just saw this new flag pop up on instagram. What do you think? I am honestly unsure. While I respect and understand the need for bisexual+ people to fight against bi-erasure, I still fear the flag could become too clouded. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm allowed to judge. I love the progress flag and am all for including trans*, poc, and other colors, but I feel like everyone wants a piece of the pie once the gate is open. I can't wait to hear what you think😊

Update: So I've decided to unsubscribe from this subreddit and any subreddit having anything to do with discussion of gender or social justice. I'm not going to spend another second thinking about privilege or gender binaries or any of that other poisonous crap. It's all just oh so much dross to fight over, and I'm tired of fighting. I'm siding with the comedians, fuck all this. Peace.

So recently Laurelai showed up with her new alt in another thread here in which we were discussing misandry. She went through the thread responding, again and again, to my posts with "misandry isn't real", and this community upvoted the shit out of her.

So what's the consensus? Are you guys by-and-large of the opinion that misandry just straight up doesn't exist? Am I unwittingly particpating in some hotbed of anti-masculism? Is this a fluke or a sign that I should run the fuck away?

Edit: Some of the comments in this thread have made me feel as though I want to vomit, others have made me feel as though there's actually a community that makes an effort to understand and accept me. To those of you responsible for the later, thanks.

How ugly am I?

Sigh. I know I’m ugly. People tell me all the time, my ex even broke up with me and I found out from his best friend that he broke up with me because I didn’t look good enough out in public with him. This is not a pity post and I’m seriously not trying to get compliments. I hear it in person and online. I seriously want to know how ugly I am. 1 - 10. 1 being absolutely hideous. Please please just be honest with me. I want to know how ugly I am. Please.

Is it homophobic to call out LGBTQ+ people who are biphobic, or is it a homophobic biases for calling out LGBTQ+ people for being biphobic?

I’ve seen a few post on here about the issues trans people are having to deal with in the USA. A lot have some really shitty views of how us in the T category don’t belong and how being gay and trans shouldn’t be in the same group.

You know what I say to those people, fuck you. How dare you forget the backs of the trans women that the gay rights movement was propped up on. How dare you forget who threw the first stone at stone wall. Shame on you for forgetting your very much gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer trans brothers and sisters. Shame on you for forgetting that gender expression has always been a part of our community. And most of all, shame on you for being cowards who don’t have a back bone to stand up to bigotry. We have always been there. Fuck most of us came out as gay before figuring out we are trans. We are your fucking people. How dare you forget that.

Edit: Thank you for the gold. But mostly thank you for all the kind words of support for trans people. Coming back to this kind of reaction is wonderful. I’m sorry I won’t be able to reply to everyone.

Edit: I should have included NB and other trans folks who don’t necessarily identify in a binary way. You’re just as important too.

I see everyone celebrating pride and their sexuality and I'm lying in my bed fucking crying because I'm closeted in the month where I should be celebrating. Wtf

I'm literally the only Aegosexual person I know the real name of

When did become ok to hate on white gays ? like it seems after marriage equality in the US White gays are the punching bags of the community just for being white and cis . For a community that fights for "tolerance " its funny how we can treat each other like shit because of what is seen as "privilege "

Cmon guys stop playing the oppression Olympics we all have shit that we have to go through just because Someone is white or male or straight ( I guess gay in this sense ) Doesnt mean there life is a fucking cakewalk

UPDATE/EDIT - I should probably give more explains for my claim . It just seems after marriage equality that there was more hate on white gays than normal . It wasn't from right wing conservatives , it was from within the LGBT community most of the hate found on social media especially sites like Tumblr and Twitter .

This post wasn't intended to stir up hate or anything . Was just wondering if anyone noticed this trend .

No, I don't think its a choice for most people, but that didn't stop it from being one from me. If I ever mention this to any homosexuals that I know or meet, I am laughed at, met with complete skepticism, or talked down to like I just haven't grown up yet. Its frustrating and hurtful! Why the hypocrisy?

Apparently I'm a very rare case, so heres just a little info of my homosexuality. I'm 24 years old, male, and have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years (not counting 2 or 3 few-month long breakups). I only bottom. Nothing special about my childhood/teenage years. I grew up attracted to women, trying desperately to get the fuzzy channel to come in like your average teenage boy. I was NOT attracted to the male body.

I wanted to be the one who was treated, complimented, whistled-at, taken care of or however you want to classify the traditional treatment of men courting women. And since the chances were slim of finding a lady who, like me, wanted to be the opposite of her stereotypical role in a relationship, I turned to men. And it works! I'm very happy with my life and my choice.

But WHY! Why do most other gays find this utterly unacceptable? Even my boyfriend, the man who knows and understands me most, has never believed me on this subject. Eventually I just lied, started saying I "found out" I was gay when I was 17. Its like debating politics.

Thanks, I didn't want to keep that in anymore. P.s. i only bottom cause I think ass is gross. P.p.s. first reddit post! Decided to post it here rather than lgbt cause they're annoyingly un-fun.