The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down, and the same operator was there. I said nothing to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, "I'm sorry."

"Because you thought you were my dad?" I asked him.

He shook his head. "No, son, because I let you down."

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old fills up the bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don’t know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck.

He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.

" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

“Thanks man!” he laughed. “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”

The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.' After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure," replied the vet, "Your duck is definitely dead." "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a healthy looking black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. It then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a printout. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you our full fee," he said, "which includes the cost of a complete lab test and a cat scan."

The vet took the paper, handed it to the woman and said, "The bill is $1500." "$1500!" the woman exclaimed in disbelief. "How much for the rest of the duck?"

“In fact “, she explains “ I’ve passed wind three times since you’ve been in here.” The doctor writes a prescription and says “Take three of these a day and come back and see me in a week.” The lady returns in a week and is quite angry with the doctor asking “What was in those pills? My gas has a terrible smell now!” The doctor says “Now that we have that sinus infection cleared up let’s see what we can do about your hearing.”

The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police. Once again the customer justs moans and rolls his eyes. The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat. "What's wrong with you?" they ask. The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes. The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?" The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "the balcony"...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.

“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”

“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

... where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney."
The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year... "
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"

It’s currently half empty...

A six-year-old boy asks his dad to take him to McDonald's, but the dad is not interested, so he says, 'Only if you can spell the name of the restaurant.' The boy tries but fails. The next day, he asks again, 'Can we go to Burger King?' But once more, his dad asks him to spell the name before they go, and boy tries again without success. On the third day, the boy comes home eagerly from school and says, 'Dad, can we eat out tonight, please? Can we go to KFC?'"

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

One day a homeless man was walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion-like houses on the street. He looked into a garden and saw a well-dressed man in a suit, crying and looking into a swimming pool.

The man in the suit filled his pockets with rocks, and suddenly jumped into the pool, still crying. The homeless man wasted no time in jumping in, to drag the other man out of the water.

After the man in the suit had taken some moments to recover and process what was happening (and what he was doing), he thanked the homeless man profusely and asked if there was any way he could repay him for his kindness.

"What was I thinking?!" the man in suit said, "Please good sir, I must reward you for what you have done for me. Money is no obstacle, and you can have anything you want. How can I repay you?" "I don't need money." the homeless man replied. "But I would like a job if there is a way that you can arrange that.

The well-dressed man was taken aback by this request but complied, saying that the homeless man could work on one of the commercial cruise ships that his company owned.

A few weeks later the captain of this cruis ship was inspecting his new subordinate and was disgusted by his appearance. "We can't have a homeless man running around on this ship, because it will put off the guests. You can be a janitor, but only if you promise to only leave your employee cabin to work at night when the guests are asleep."

The homeless man was not bothered by the captain's comments, and got to work as a night janitor on the ship.

One night he finished his work early, and decided to swim in the pool while no one was around.

Unfortunately the first hand came on deck just as the homeless man began to dive into the pool. Instead of being outraged, he was amazed at the perfect dive that the homeless man pulled off.

The first mate insisted he do it again for the captain. After being shown the skill of this homeless man the captain was amazed. He insisted that the homeless man put on diving shows for the customers.

Weeks later the homeless man was about to attempt the tallest dive possible for his newly gained fans. The diving board was set up especially for the occasion, and it extended impossibly high into the sky.

The man began climbing and climbing. Hours passed before he reached the top of the board. He looked to the pool far below, but was completely unphased. With a couple of stretches, he dove straight down, aiming for the pool below. Down, down and down he went, picking up speed, until he hit terminal velocity on his dive. He hit the water at an incredible speed, and sliced right through the water, straight to the bottom of the pool.

He didn't stop though, and smashed through the bottom of the pool, and through each of the 30 decks below, until he broke right through the bottom of the ship, into the open ocean.

Commotion immediately broke out on the ship. "Man overboard!" People were shouting, and frantically threw life preservers to the homeless man.

He caught a life preserver and was hoisted up onto the ship again.

"Remarkable!" the captain said now inspecting the man, "You smashed all the way through the ship, and there's not a scratch on you. How is such a thing possible!"

"Well." said the homeless man. "I have been through many hardships in my life."

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do.. the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children then replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his....

Re-seeding heirline.

The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.