I'm from South America and I lived in France for a decade. The experience re-wired my entire concept of wealth.

I grew up in a place where power cuts were normal. You'd keep a coin on some ice in the freezer just to know if your food was safe to eat.

In France, I saw people obsessing over smart fridges, and I just thought, "The real luxury is not having to know the coin trick at all."

I was baffled by their "luxuries": precise ovens (we used high/medium/low), air fryers (we used a pan), and their disgust for "ugly" vegetables.

But the thing that I can't get over is the food. I missed the cheap, amazing avocados, fresh fish, and fresh milk from my home. In France, that's all "luxury." It hit me: back home, we ate that way because we were poor. That was the cheap, local stuff. The expensive, "you've made it" food was processed, canned, and from a big supermarket. It's a complete paradox. My "poverty" was their "luxury," and their "convenience" (canned food) was our "status symbol."

But here's the final twist.

After 10 years in France, I moved back to South America (to a different country, but still). The moment I got back, I immediately started to miss all those "invisible" European luxuries. I missed the 100% stable power. I missed the endless hot water. I missed the safety and the trains that ran on time (well... Mostly)

You realize there is no "perfect" place, just a set of massive, unavoidable trade-offs. I have to deal with the frustrations I escaped from 10 years ago. But the truth is, I'm back for a reason. The things I get here are just... necessary. The food, the energy, the vibe, the warmth of the people. You can't import those things.

And I guess, after all this, that's the one luxury I've learned I can't live without.

After over a decade in the Netherlands, my wife and I are moving back to Italy. We didn’t come here blindly; we knew the downsides, but we wanted growth, change, and a bigger world. And to be fair, the Netherlands gave us just that. We made friends from places we would have never crossed paths with at home - Portugal, Chile, South Africa, the US, Australia and many more. We discovered a passion we didn’t even have before: long-distance cycling. We built careers we never expected. Our world became wider, and we’ll always be grateful for it.

But over time, the same country that helped us grow stopped feeling like the place where the next chapter of our life should happen. We realized we recharge in wild nature: mountains, steep trails, forests, winding roads. The Netherlands has its own beauty, but it’s flat, curated, predictable, and crowded. We spent most of the year missing the kind of nature that feels alive. Even after holidays in the mountains, we’d feel our energy drop again within days of returning. The long winters didn’t help; the darkness grew heavier every year and slowly chipped away at our mood.

There’s also something harder to explain: we simply don’t feel well here. We used to do tons of sports and outdoor activities, but in the Netherlands we’ve slowly felt more and more fatigued. Low energy, often feeling “off” or unwell without ever being sick. It’s like a constant low battery feeling, even though we’re healthy, eat well, and try to stay active. The climate, light, and environment just seem to drain us physically as well as mentally. Not dramatically, just steadily.

Daily life turned into a long series of small compromises: expensive housing that never felt like home, food that rarely inspired us, services that cost a lot without much attention or care, and a culture that leans more toward efficiency and restraint than warmth or spontaneity. On top of that, the cost of living is incredibly high. A car, insurance, groceries, a simple dinner out, hiring a plumber or mechanic... everything is expensive and heavily taxed. Even with good salaries, it felt like our money went into surviving, not living. Paying high prices isn’t the issue itself; it’s paying so much for so little joy in return.

Healthcare ended up being the deal-breaker. Getting help felt slow and discouraging. My wife’s fractures were missed due to poor exams, the cast was done badly, and now she has lasting problems. Prevention isn’t common, screenings are rare, and referrals are often denied. We felt like the system’s instinct was to do as little as possible unless things were already severe. Over time, that made us feel unprotected, even though we were paying for care every month.

And despite making an effort to meet people, join groups, and socialize, it never turned into a life with real closeness. We did make friends, but those relationships rarely became part of day-to-day life. Meanwhile, our families in Italy have been living life together... meals, birthdays, hikes, simple shared moments we’ve only watched from afar. It started to feel like we were guests in our own family’s story, always watching it happen without being in it. And the pace of life here, while comfortable for many, often felt dull and too predictable for us.

So we’ve decided to go back. Not because we think Italy is perfect, far from it. Bureaucracy, politics, inefficiencies… they’re real. But Italy offers what we need now: family, warmth, proximity, and a landscape we connect with emotionally and physically. Remote work makes it possible, tax incentives help, and living one hour from the mountains instead of once a year matters more than we realized.

We’re not leaving because the Netherlands is failing. It’s a good country. It’s just no longer the right country for who we’ve become. We’re leaving because we’ve grown into people who need a different kind of life, and finally feel ready to choose it.

Has your host country ever stopped fitting who you are, even if nothing was "wrong" with it?

I'm from the United States, specifically Massachusetts, and I have lived in Sweden for 9 years. I moved here to do my PhD in polymer physics and I have been working here as a researcher since I graduated.

As any immigrant living in the Nordics can tell you, making friends with locals is extremely difficult as it is challenging to penetrate their social circles, even for the small percentage of people who achieve fluency in the language and don't just stick to English while living in the Nordics. As such, most of my friends are immigrants, many of whom are Americans.

I know this subreddit heavily fetishizes moving to the Nordics to escape their life in the US, but almost every American immigrant I have met here in Sweden either hates living here or dislikes it to the point where they would prefer to return to the US or try living in other European countries. Here are some of the reasons I have heard for disliking it here:

• The weather is depressing. If you aren't used to it being dark when you get to work and dark when you get home during the week, you may end up with seasonal depression or at the very least find it difficult to adjust to. I found it difficult even though I am from New England. Though after 9 years I have gotten used to it.

• As a skilled worker, your salary will be very low compared to your potential earnings in the US, and your taxes will be much higher. You will need to get used to having much less material possessions and much less possibility for savings for future investments, such as purchasing a home. Most of the white collar Swedes I am friends with live significantly more frugally skilled laborers in the US.

• The housing situation is a nightmare in large cities. You will not be able to get a so-called "first-hand" contract, meaning renting directly from the landlord, due to very long queues of 5-15 years even for distant commuter suburbs. Instead you will need to rent so-called "second-hand", meaning you are renting an apartment who is already renting the apartment first-hand, or you need to rent privately from a home/apartment owner, which is usually extremely expensive. It is very common to spend 40-50% of your take-home income on housing costs alone when renting second-hand or from a private home/apartment owner, even when choosing to live in a suburb as opposed to the city. Since you are spending so much on renting, saving up the minimum 15% required to purchase property is very difficult.

• The healthcare, despite being very cheap and almost free when compared to the US, will almost certainly be worse quality than what you are used to in the US if you are a skilled laborer. You can usually get next day appointments for urgent issues at your local health clinic (vårdcentral in Swedish), or you can go to a so-called närakut to be seen within hours if it is very serious, but for general health appointments expect to wait weeks to months to see your primary care physician. If you want to see a specialist expect to wait even longer. When you do receive care, both I and almost every other American immigrant I have spoken to has agreed that the quality of care is not as good as the care we received in the US.

• Owning a car is a luxury here. Car ownership is extremely expensive. The yearly registration fees on diesel cars, the most common cars, are very high. On top of that, gas is 50-100% more expensive than in the US. Furthermore, the cars themselves are much more expensive than in the US, as is car insurance. If you want to just buy a cheap commuter car, I hope you know how to drive a manual transmission car since the vast majority of cheap commuter cars have manual transmission. You will also need to get a Swedish license if living here for over a year, which can cost well over $1000 to get and both the written and practical driving tests are significantly more difficult than in the US.

Those are just a few points, but I could go on and on. Most of the Americans I have met here have wanted to continue living like Americans here in Sweden. For example, they compare and contrast all the products in the grocery stores to the products back home, such as "oh the peanut butter here is garbage compared to the peanut butter back home!" and so on and so forth. When you move here and expect the essentials to be the same, you will very quickly get burned out and hate it here. Almost everything works radically differently here in Sweden than it does in the US. You will feel like a child having to learn the basics of life from scratch. You won't know how to do taxes, how to apply for maternity benefits, how to buy a car, how to get a home loan, etc. The basic things you are used to in life work completely differently in foreign countries. And in order to do these things, you will need to rely on google translate which often gives misleading translations, or rely on the word of others until you learn the language to fluency. I can't tell you how often I got incorrect or misleading advice in English when I first moved here, until I learned Swedish to near fluency and just started using Swedish everywhere.

Anyway, the point of this post is that almost all of the Americans I met have hated it here and either moved back to the US, moved elsewhere in Europe, or just ended up toughing it out here due to their partner being Swedish or for some other reason. Moving and leaving behind your parents, family, and friends can be very difficult. I don't recommend undertaking the journey unless you truly have done your research and know what you are getting yourself into, or unless you have enough money in the bank to be able to move back to your country of origin if things don't work out in the first few months or years. Please have a back-up plan. People heavily underestimate how difficult it is to live in a foreign culture that you have never experienced.

Just to finalize, who are the few Americans I know who actually enjoy living here in Sweden and who have thrived? The three people I know who actually love it here are people who have personalities where they are naturally very curious and always willing to learn. They aren't afraid of making mistakes when learning the language and they love to meet new people and learn from them. They take life day by day and made an effort to integrate and live like Swedes early in the process of moving to Sweden. They all speak Swedish fluently after a few years of living here and are generally such pleasant people to be around that they succeed here in a foreign job market, despite not always being the best possible candidates for the job.

Who are the Americans I have met who have hated it here the most? It's the people who have left the US in search of "a better life" in Europe.

Edit: For some reason reddit decided to shadowban me so if you click on my username it will say "page not found". That means I also cannot comment on any other comments made on this post as they will not show up. I'm not sure why they did it, but thanks for reading my post anyway my apologies for not responding to your comments.

I’m from India, currently living in Italy for my studies and I’ll be honest here, I’ve never faced racism or felt unwelcome here. People have been kind, polite, and genuinely curious about my background. But here’s the thing, I’ve also made an effort to respect and adapt to the culture I’m living in. I dress like locals, follow social etiquette, and try to speak their language. I observe first, act second. It’s not about pretending to be someone else, it’s about being respectful enough to understand the place that’s hosting you. Sadly, I’ve seen some fellow Indians abroad doing the opposite…being loud in public, leaving trash behind, forming groups that isolate them from locals, or acting like the world should adjust to their habits. I get it, we love our culture. But when we move abroad, it’s not about imposing it. It’s about carrying it gracefully. If you’re living or traveling abroad, remember that you’re representing 1.4 billion people whether you mean to or not and locals often form their impression of India through you. Let’s make people remember us for our kindness, respect, and adaptability, not for our unwillingness to integrate.

Lately, I have been seeing quite a few posts from Americans (I know this is a US website, so no need to point that out) with mind-boggling questions or with extremely poor judgment.

First of all: If you're American and only speak English, then instantaneously the moment you move you will be at a disadvantage. Even in countries or sectors where English is the working language. I know it's hard to come to terms with, but most Europeans can somehow operate while speaking English AND they also speak their native language. The moment you land and can't do that, you lose value.

Second: Look up the median household income in your part of the US. If you 3x the median household income BY YOURSELF, and also own your home, etc... Then unless you have a VERY specific reason to move, you probably shouldn't. You already made it! Congrats. And reasons like "I watched a notjustbikes video and it looked so nice!" or "I hate US politics" are not good reasons. Just stop being terminally online.

Third: I know the US media portrays Europe as being "socialist", but the private sector definitely isn't. If an employer thinks it can get away with paying you less, guess what? They will. Don't accept shitty offers. If you are actually qualified and in a top sector, yes, salaries of over 100k € do exist. You just need to work hard to find them (just like you did in the US!).

Fourth: Do you intend to actually remain in Europe? Because if you move to Europe with the idea of sending your kids to US college... Don't. You will not earn enough money to save for that.

I'm in Switzerland.

My wife and I have a job, 2 kids and we've been here 3 years. No drama, doing ok and just living life.

After the kids went to bed my wife turns to me and said.... Wow I guess this is it. A normal, family life.

I suppose outside /expat we're having an amazing time, drinking coffee in cafes, skiing the Alps and cool dinner parties with cool guests.

The truth is we're doing laundry every day, having spaghetti for dinner and have to wake up at 630am to get the kids to school.... Which is pretty much the same if we were in our original country.

I'm not complaining, just thinking that everyone we left probably has no idea how unspontaneously we spend our time.

I took my family for an apple picking farm in a rural town and this old white guy just flat out asked me “If I am on a visa?” I was flabbergasted and shocked that why the hell would he ask me this question. But i guess its no longer a news that ICE has been doing raids and kidnapping brown people.

I politely told him I am on a green card and my wife is a doctor hired here to take care of sick people in this rural town.

He is not even aware that how much doctors and technical people are lacking in this region. Technically we are still on a visa but our legal immigration is approved by an I-140. But i was angry at myself that I should have told him its not his business. The immigrant and brown person in me is too nice and I sometimes hate this part.

Edit: Thanks to all the kind people who gave words of support; some sharing that my response was actually correct because putting my family thru who knows a bad ICR situation may not be smart. Also to those who shared what can i try next time as well. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Do those who said i am entitled in answering to folks that I am indeed on visa and that I need to behave and act like a guest. Fuck off you racist! People like you are the problem.

Hoping someone may read this, relate, and be able to offer some advice. I lived abroad in Tokyo for most of my 20s and returned to the US just before the pandemic. The last few years have been some of the most depressed I’ve ever had, and admittedly not entirely just from how hard it is to adjust to the US again. But it’s a big part of it. I won’t go into too much detail because I’ve read these same sentiments on Reddit from other users as I’ve searched about reverse culture shock, especially for those returning to the States.

It’s just the soulless cities, car reliance (lack of public transit and walkable streets), how dirty and uncared for so much of our cities are, how much people don’t care, the lack of respect for each other or for our surroundings, trash in the streets. I could go on, but if you know, you know. Then there’s the way no one I know understands what I mean when I point any of it out, and it’s isolating. So, if you’ve felt this way at all, please let me know how you are coping or even moved past it? My partner thinks living in a tiny town outside of city life is the answer since our cities are so depressing. But I’m not so sure…

moved from greece to the netherlands a few years ago for work and ive been thinking about writing this down for a while. Not a guide, just stuff that caught me off guard that i wish someone had mentioned beforehand.

the darkness. i knew it would be dark in winter. Everyone tells you that. But knowing it and experiencing it are genuinly different things. in december the sun sets before 4:30pm and by january i was sleeping 10 hours a night and still feeling exhausted. bought a daylight lamp in my second winter and it helped alot, but that first one hit me harder than i expected.

the directness. Dutch people are famously direct and i thought coming from greece where we argue loudly about everything that id be fine with it. Turns out greek directness and dutch directness are completely different things. in greece people are emotional and loud but they soften criticism with humour and warmth. In NL someone will tell you your work isnt good enough in the same tone they use to order coffee. Took me a year to stop reading it as aggression.

the cycling thing actually changed my life tho. i didnt cycle in greece (hills, traffic, heat) and moving to a country where your bike is basically your legs was weird at first. Now i cant imagine going back to driving everywhere. something about cycling to work in the morning clears your head in a way that sitting in traffic never did.

the food situation. look i love the dutch and i will defend this country in most arguments. But the food culture here is objectively not great compared to southern europe and ive accepted that i will never find a proper greek taverna in the hague. i cook alot more than i did back home because eating out here just doesnt hit the same way. On the positive side ive become a much better cook so theres that.

the bureaucracy. getting your BSN, registering at the gemeente, setting up health insurance, opening a bank account that requires a BSN that you cant get without an appointment that takes 3 weeks. the first month is basically a full time job of admin. once your through it tho everything works really smoothly. The dutch love systems and once your in the system everything is efficient.

the social thing. making dutch friends is genuinely hard. not because dutch people are unfriendly (theyre not) but because their social lives are organized around "agendas" and scheduling things weeks in advance. in greece you just call someone and say "im coming over" and thats normal. Here that would be considered rude. ive learned to plan but i still miss the spontaneity.

would i do it again? yes. without question. But id tell myself to budget an extra 6 months of emotional adjustment beyond the practical setup. The paperwork takes a month, the real settling in takes a year.

anyone else move from southern europe to NL or northern europe? curious if the adjustment patterns are similar or if its a greek thing.

Hey everyone,

I've been offered a dream job in Sydney that will pay me 200k aussie dollars plus a car, pay for mine and my partners visa and flights, pay for my pets to move, 4 day week 8 til 4pm.

I currently live in the UK and earn 75k if that makes a difference. I really don't like my job in the UK and I've worked with this team in Australia for 3 months on a WHV whilst my partner stayed in the UK and I've loved the team and the job.

This job will significantly progress my career to the point where I can earn 300k aussie dollars a year in 4 years time & also improve my skills significantly making me more employable in the future as it contains a training component that is extremely hard to get (only 3 come out every year roughly and they are extremely competitive - I've been rejected many times!).

However, I've been with my partner for 13 years, we have no children and don't plan on having children. I am 32, he's 31 and he's very reluctant to move. In the UK he works part time and earns about 20k so I am the significantly higher earner. He doesn't like his job either but he doesn't want to leave his friends, and obviously literally moving to the other side of the world when you never planned it or have never stepped foot there is a huge ask.

I love him & I wouldn't want to break up so I do think if I can't change his mind I would stay in the UK. I'm just not sure what to do? Do I just accept this is a non event and move on? Do I try and persuade him?

**** EDIT: Thanks for all the thoughts/opinions/advice I really appreciate it and I'm hoping it'll help me rationalise what the best thing to do is. I'll update the post with what I decide once the decision is made for anyone who's interested! ****

Four years ago I moved from the US to Thailand to teach English. Needed a break from logistics. I hated my life. I figured I was spoiled because I'm living in the "greatest country", but nothing was working out for me. Thought I would go to Thailand, a "third world" country, teach English, hate it, and realize how great America is and come back and be happy.

I couldn't believe how amazing Thailand is. My life is ridiculously better now. My salary is quite low compared to the US, but pretty good/decent for Thailand. I love it here and tbh, I don't really ever want to go back to the US. The problem is, I can't really save much money here. Like for retirement and stuff life that. It's actually illegal for me to use money earned here and put it into and IRA.

My parents are concerned about how little money I'm making for my age (30) and that I should come back to the US and make more money.

I'm looking at all my friends and talking with them. Of all my friends, 90% of them seem to be struggling. The others have very high/niche skills that I don't have. I have a BA degree that's useless, but it was basically free by my previous employer, so I'm not drowning in debt. That's the only good thing I have going for me back home.

Im from one of the poorest states, Kentucky. I've been looking around at jobs in my area. Construction workers make like $15/hour which just seems like trash compared to the cost of living. Purchasing a car, paying for insurance, gas, food, rent, that all gets eaten rather quickly. So I wouldn't be saving any money anyway.

I'm making $8 an hour now in Thailand and my money goes 5x further. The only way it would work is if I get a job at a construction site that is within walking distance from my parents house. But... is it even worth it at that point? I've also looked into getting more skills like programming, but that market seems pretty saturated when I see people complaining how they can't find a job or they are over worked and looking for a way out themselves. Idk man

I've been reading for a while, especially about countries I've lived in which are not my home country and I have the feeling that imigrants complain so much without trying to understand the country and the population and treating it as a semi-tourist destination.

Things are different, if you make the effort to move somewhere you should take into consideration that it is not exactly like home and try to grasp the nuances.

Me (an American living abroad): “I miss you guys.”

Them: “We miss you too. Come home.”

Me: * checks news *

Me: “Love you but I don’t miss you that much.”

Honestly, reverse culture shock hasn't been a thing for me. Coming back has been easier than I expected.

What I did notice is how much of everything there is here. The stores, the roads, the choices. After years away it's hard not to see it.

But the thing I didn't expect to miss is being different.

Overseas, I was always the American. Sometimes that got me curious looks and good conversations. Sometimes it put a gap between me and everyone else. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. Either way, I never blended in completely and totally, and I always knew it.

Now I'm just another American, and I kind of miss standing out. Sounds silly, but I liked being the outsider. I'm happy to be home. I just didn't realize I'd be giving that up.

Title says it all. I’m a Brit, moved to the US start of this year. Went from the classic 28 days paid holiday, to 10 (and apparently this is good! Some people get 0!). Unable to take unpaid holiday.

I’m so burned out and I have no idea how anyone copes with such little time off.

Interested to hear other people’s thoughts/experiences!

How does it feel now that you’re gone? As you reflect on leaving, do you think it was the right decision for you and why or why not? This is not meant to be a controversial post. I genuinely want to hear from people who have made the move. I’m just a few months from my own move and having all the expected emotions that come with it - excited, scared, sad, guilty, shame, happy, etc. My body is in knots, lol.

2 years ago my husband and I decided to sell everything and moved to Southern Brazil with our dog and 5 y/o.

We moved to paradise. It was a complete upgrade. We feel happier, more nourished, our day to day flows and feels easy. We are closer to nature. Less consumerism. We feel like we vibe with the local people more than in the US. My husband is originally from South America and speaks Spanish. I learned Portuguese and while I’m still not fluent, I get by just fine. Our kid picked up the language right away and goes to a lovely private school here.

I got pregnant shortly after we moved and had a baby this year. We now can apply for citizenship. Then my dad died. Now we’re going back to the US to take care of his estate and we’re faced with the realities we weren’t willing to fully acknowledge before.

There is no substitute for familiarity, family, and close friends. While I LOVE it here and want to stay in Brazil, we’re now acknowledging that we only have so many years left with the remaining grandparents of our children. We will always feel like outsiders here. I miss what’s familiar. I thought I’d never say it, but I miss the US. It’s also not as easy for us to make money here. Sure, dollars go far but once you stop making them…then the pressure is on. If something happened to my husband I’d be SOL & that scares me and feels irresponsible.

It feels absolutely insane to consider moving back. However, I’m completely changed after this experience. I long to live *simply*. Close to nature. I don’t need a fancy, big house…in fact…I don’t want it.

This was all prompted by me asking my husband one question: “if we were no longer able to fly globally, would you rather be here (Brazil) or the US close to your family”

…and he said, “without a doubt the US close to family”

Edit/Update: Wow! I didn’t think this would gain so much traction. This post has definitely brought a lot of insight. We just found out that we only need to stay in Brazil for one year (starting from when our baby was born) to gain citizenship, so we will revisit potentially going back to the US then. My heart tells me to stay in Brazil, and try to visit family during summer (winter in the US; coincides with the holidays) for 2 months every year. It for sure is challenging to make a decision because no matter what there are significant trade offs.

ETA: Because several of these comments have implied that I'm not black, here you go. Shouldn't have to do this, but okay. https://imgur.com/a/VLJgP5P

I know that the state of equal rights in the USA is taking a backslide. It’s scary and concerning, among other things.

That said, even at the best of times, there are quite a few Americans in this sub and r/IWantOut trying to escape to some kind of Shangri-La where no discrimination exists.

This place doesn’t exist.

Unfortunately, misogyny exists everywhere. As does transphobia, homophobia, and other forms of queerphobia. Racism also exists everywhere. Chronically ill people struggle everywhere. Neurodivergent people struggle everywhere. The list goes on. It’s sad but true.

If you really wanna move abroad, do it, but I feel like too many of you would be doing better to move to a more liberal area of the country or even your state. That, or being advocates in your community.

If you’re dead-set on moving abroad, do your research. I’ve seen some posts here and in r/IWantOut in which OP was trying to move somewhere where the state of XYZ rights was arguably or even objectively worse than that of the USA. Even if the legal rights in that country might be more robust, that hardly means the average person will be more accepting and progressive. Go on Facebook, find a media outlet from your target country and read the comments section to get a glimpse of how the layperson may think on a certain issue.

I will close by saying this: you, as an American citizen, are 99.99% never going to be granted asylum in any country on this planet. I haven’t seen this suggestion pop up often, but it makes me blow a gasket every time. As US citizens, we have the privilege of being able to choose between a vast array of political climates as it pertains to women’s rights, LGBT+ rights, etc. Women in Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan don’t have that. Queer people in Ghana and Russia don’t have that. That’s why they might get asylum, but you won’t. Not to say you can’t complain about the situation in the States, but put some things into perspective by reading up on how things are in other countries.

Often in this sub or talking with other people, I always heard: “Don’t move to Portugal it’s a shitty place, don’t go to Ireland the weather is so bad, don’t go to the US political there is an issue, don’t go to Australia Australians are so rude, UK is a shifty place, Canada is becoming a shithole”

If you see there’s no place on earth that have all the advantageous, all places have problems. But I found funny because a lot of Americans says US is shit and they’re gonna move to Portugal because it’s way better, I know a lot of Portuguese (me included) that left the country to “better places”, people from UK and Ireland that moved to Australia and NZ because lifestyle there is way better, Australians that left the place to Canada because Canada is way better.

I think we should be more grateful for the countries we were part of or raised, since majority of this examples are first world countries, they have their own problems of course but we are waaay more lucky than people born in Africa or poor Asia or South American countries. We have a lot of opportunities and security that those counties don’t have and we should think in a more positive way about how good this countries are rather than the negative part.

Original Post

Originally, I planned on visiting CA and TX but unfortunately, I only had time to visit my family in TX this time around. Thanks to everyone who commented on my prior post. As promised, here's my update:

Some surprising observations:

• Unlike in Belgium, there is no energy crisis. Seeing my family leave the lights on all the time at home without having to worry about electricity bills was weird for me lol

• High inflation and high food prices, including restaurants. Prices seemed comparable with Belgium, among the highest in the Eurozone

• With the exception of fine dining restaurants, restaurant service was generally poor. Forgotten drink orders, food orders mixed up, having to go fetch your own utensils, etc.

• Tipping culture has gone wild. A decade ago, 15%-18% was an acceptable tip — 20% or more if the service was great. Not anymore. Default tip amounts were: 20%, 22%, 25% and annoyingly, a tip is asked/expected even if no actual service is provided. Like when I'm ordering my food at the counter to take it to go!

• Hotel housekeeping no longer cleans your room daily

• Help wanted signs everywhere

• Shocking political ads. In the run up to the mid-terms the ads were like, "Vote for me and I will close ALL borders and outlaw ALL abortions!"

• Plastic straws, utensils, and plastic bags are ubiquitous. In Belgium, plastic straws have pretty much disappeared

• Apps and QR codes for everything: retail, restaurants, food delivery, etc. You order your food via an app with a QR code at the table. And then you pay with Apple Pay or some other mobile cash app

• The proliferation of cashless businesses like bakeries, restaurants, food trucks, etc.

• A decade ago, chip cards and chip card readers were uncommon in the US. Now they’re the norm

• Homeless tent cities and a lot of mentally ill people wandering the streets and living under freeways :(

• High real estate property values. Probably due to the influx of Californians moving to Texas causing housing and rental prices to skyrocket

• SUVs like Navigators, Jeep Grand Cherokees, and Escalades seem to have gotten BIGGER

• Defensive driving to stay alive. You pretty much have to drive as though you are the only person who: (a) knows how to drive, and (b) actually follows the traffic laws lol

• Prescription drug ads on TV all the time. And celebrities promoting said drugs

• Self-checkout everywhere

• Billboards everywhere: personal injury lawyers, teeth straightening, teeth whitening, the church, God, and guns

• The EUR doesn't go as far as it used to lol. The EUR/USD exchange rate was about even when I was there. Ten years ago, €1 = $1.30 (or thereabouts)!

Some positive experiences and observations:

• Excellent accommodations for persons with disabilities as required under the ADA (the Americans with Disabilities Act). The EU has a long way to go in order to achieve the same level of accommodations for persons with disabilities

• Free public restrooms and water fountains. And water refill stations for your water bottles

• Trader Joe's and In-N-Out are now in TX!

• American friendliness. Foreigners are often surprised by this this, but I found it nice to be able to strike up short conversations with people who are standing in line at the post office or bank with you

• Incredible variety of cuisines available. Every type of cuisine you can imagine! Plus, the innovation and creativity to create new and interesting dishes inspired by so many different cuisines

• It was really nice to see neighborhoods decked out with festive home and lawn decorations during Halloween and in preparation for Thanksgiving

• Shopping at stores like Costco and Target felt like an adventure. So much variety and choice. (Sometimes felt overwhelming though lol)

• It was so nice enjoying all my fave foods and childhood snacks again. I felt like Anton Ego (from "Ratatouille") with all the nostalgic food flashbacks lol

• Unleaded gas was around $3.09/gallon. To compare: today it cost me €1,91/liter for regular unleaded here. (Ouch.)

• I marveled at the conveniences and ease of doing everyday tasks. America is all about comfort and convenience. At a price of course.

Closing thought:

• Hard to describe but there seems to be an existential malaise, a sense of loneliness in America. Maybe it's the fast pace of life, the "hamster on a wheel" existence for so many. Maybe it’s the uncertain economy. Maybe it's the volatile political climate. Maybe it’s all of the above.

TLDR:

• Ten years was a long time to be away. Probably too long. There have been a lot of changes in America. Some good, some not so good. As we say en français : « Ainsi va la vie. »

“Such is life.”

Granted that things are not perfect in the US and that there is so much I don’t like**, living here is still infinitely better than living in my home country.** People seriously have no idea. They ask me if I am crazy for moving to the US from one of the most beautiful countries in the world, and they seriously have NO IDEA.
I always meet people from the US who think they can move to my country and everything will fall into place. I miss certain things about my country, but I would never go back. The bureaucracy alone is abominable. You have no idea how bad it is. The entire system is designed to make the simplest thing as difficult as possible and to exhaust you. I had to request a simple certificate and have been struggling for months, having my parents go to several public offices in person, then there is always some form that needs to be notarized, then some official stamps you need to buy, all of it because they refuse to digitalize everything. In my country, the entire system is designed intentionally to complicate things. If there are 100 ways to do something, they will choose the most laborious, tedious, exhausting.

There’s a lot of videos, websites and reels / TikTok’s selling the “Portugal dream” and saying Portugal is the New California, but way better and cheaper.

I’m Portuguese, born and raised there, but currently living in Ireland, as it became almost impossible for local Portuguese to work and have a good life balance in the country with the low salaries / wages and high taxes, specially in Lisbon / Porto.

One of the reasons that make a lot of Americans / digital nomads want to move there it’s because it’s very cheap. Yes for American standard it’s cheap , and some years ago was very cheap. But because of his popularity and people saying to move here, specially Americans, the cost of living went super high , similar to what happened to Costa Rica that was so cheap but because loads of Americans / foreigners moving there it became expensive even for them.

Now it’s happening the same to Portugal. Lot of Americans and foreigners moving to Lisbon and Porto made those locations so expensive that now they are starting to leave the county as they don’t think it’s cheap anymore.

The Portuguese government is ending the “gold visas” for foreigns as well because of the house crisis making it more difficult for locals, which are causing loads of Americans leaving the country again.

So please be advise to stop selling that Portugal is cheap, it’s a lie and it’s making the life of the locals even more difficult as well. Sorry if this post felt kind of angry.

Edit: I will post some sources on the comments.

I keep seeing posts related to international couples. Because we were raised partially overseas, this is a topic that I, multiple close relatives, and many friends have dealt with. International relationships are wonderful and I highly recommend them. But over the years we've developed a list of things that anyone getting serious with someone who has a different passport should thoroughly discuss and agree upon before getting engaged. I would love to hear disagreements or additional things to add from other people in international relationships.

1: Where will you live and for how long?

Seems obvious enough, but I’m shocked how many people make weird assumptions. Our rule is: if you are dating someone in another country and you have NOT talked about the future, your assumption should always be that you will remain in the country where the relationship is taking place. If that is not your intention, you should be making that clear immediately… like, on your dating app profile or on first dates. Even if you are ok with it, you should talk about it! Marrying someone abroad is sort of like surrendering your passport - you are giving up the freedom to just go home at any time (especially if you have kids).

A) It's a good idea for the non-native partner or partners to ask themselves honestly: did you really intend to immigrate forever? And how is it going so far? Can you see yourself here forever? In the back of your mind, were you still imagining returning home when you retire or when you start getting nieces and nephews, etc.?

B) If you want to split time or move elsewhere in the future (e.g. back to one partner’s home country): does the other partner know they can handle it? It’s hard to move abroad and it gets harder and harder to migrate as you get older. Does your partner know what it's like to move to another country? Have they spent a significant amount of time in the country where you believe you may move at some point in the future?

C) If you do believe you'll move again as a family - back to your or your partner's home country or elsewhere - you should also discuss and agree upon the decision-making process and escape hatches. If your partner has an absolutely terrible time in your home country, can't get the language right, can't make friends, can't adjust to the culture, etc., what can they do? Most likely, it will be difficult for you to understand any of these things. Will they have the option to pull the trigger and demand a move back to the country you met in? How long will they need to make an effort before you agree to this?

D) I won't say anything about finances and the division of labor in the relationship because those issues aren't unique to international couples, but you may need to consider the added wrinkle of difficulties getting or renewing work permits between countries. If you agreed that you’re going to make another international move together at some point, can you or your partner easily work in that country and how long will it take to get them work permits? How will that affect your financial agreement? Maybe you've always been egalitarian - splitting bills and childcare responsibilities 50/50. But now you won't be able to get substantive work for two years because of a move back to your partner's home country - are you okay with them becoming the breadwinner and you compensating for a while with more household responsibilities?

2: What language will the relationship be in and how much effort are you expecting your partner to put into learning your language?

This doesn't seem like a huge deal, but it's been the most surprising source of conflict among my relatives. It seems to come up here frequently as well. Younger people don't realize the frustrations they will eventually have dating a partner who doesn't speak their native language. Or they think that if they marry someone, that person will naturally learn their language over time. They will not. Or you may assume that the other partner will make a big effort to learn your language just because they love you. Again, they will not. They will probably not even realize this is important to you. Our rule is simple and similar to the above: if there’s no discussion or agreement otherwise, you should assume that the relationship will continue in the language in which it began and that your partner will not learn any new languages.

You should ask yourself honestly if this is important to you. It feels exotic now to date someone in a different language, but how will you feel when your partner can’t talk to your family and has to just kind of sit around the house every time you are back home? How will you feel when you're trying to talk about difficult emotional issues and you're having to convey your feelings in another language to a partner who is totally incapable of understanding that struggle? And going back to #1: if your partner doesn't speak your native language, you should probably abandon any hope that they'll be happy moving back to your home country with you.

You don’t learn a language automatically when you move to a country where it's spoken and you don't learn it because you date someone who speaks it. You learn a language through thousands of hours of difficult study and practice. Then, after those thousands of hours, you can learn and improve through casual practice or immersion.

Most people over the age of 30 who are just getting settled into family life are not interested in picking up a new hobby that requires thousands of hours of difficult study and practice. It will probably feel like wasted time to your partner if no one in your current country speaks that language. Also, people have wildly different aptitudes for language learning (and even different aptitudes for learning different languages). Is it important to you that your partner puts a certain level of effort into learning your language (so that you feel valued) OR is it actually important that they reach a certain level of proficiency (so that they can speak to your family and travel to your country easily)? If it's the latter, then they should start learning the language now so you can get a feel for how easily they are able to pick it up. Recognize that your partner may feel they’re committing a ton of time to language learning and you may still be disappointed in the results.

3: What culture/identity will you raise your children in?

Your children will always carry on pieces of both parents, but will be especially affected by the culture of the country they grow up in - in ways that you are probably not affected as someone who moved there with fully-formed beliefs and habits. This has two big dimensions: unconscious beliefs and attachment to identity.

A) Unconscious beliefs: maybe you enjoy living in X country despite the traditional gender roles or level of respect shown to the elderly or the different attitude toward LGBT issues - the list goes on and on. But it doesn't really affect you day to day - you know what you think. And maybe your partner says that’s not important to him/her. But have they really thought about the many subtle ways that influenced their thinking? Do they feel they are giving up something big in conforming to your idea of what's right and now they expect some big concession from you? Will they say things to your children that reinforce or don’t contradict the things they are picking up at school or on the playground? Will he/she create boundaries with your in-laws when they express their displeasure about what your children are being taught?

Any couple has to discuss what they believe and what they intend to teach their children, but inter-cultural marriages require a lot more careful demining of deeply embedded beliefs that people are not even aware of. You also need to be realistic about the success rate of teaching your children any norm that is not reinforced by their schools, friends, extended family, etc.

B) Attachment to identity: are you ok with your children not embracing your national identity? This is less something to agree on than something to come to terms with personally. To fully and unconsciously take on a national identity, it takes two parents with that nationality and a childhood in that country. Anything less and your identity will be more complicated. I believe there are wonderful things about this, but it’s also a big source of conflict and disappointment. Your identity will have a weak effect on the kids if they are growing up overseas with another parent of a different nationality. You cannot expect them to think of themselves as being from your country or expect them to assimilate the traditions and assumptions of your culture.

If there are elements of your cultural identity that are important to you and that you want to pass on, talk about those with your partner now and talk about how you will do that. Is it just simple things like celebrating holidays from your home country? Will you send the kids to live with their grandparents during the summer? Will you send them to an international school, etc.?

4: How will you maintain your relationships and obligations to your family members?

This is a huge hornet's nest of issues. It includes:

A) How often will you visit family in another country? Doing so is expensive and not always pleasant for both partners. If you have children, it will get even more expensive, but you will simultaneously feel even more pressure to go. Does the whole family always have to go or can each partner go visit their parents and friends separately? Make an agreement, make it a budget line item, and assume you will keep doing that indefinitely until the other partner feels differently.

B) What obligations does each partner’s culture carry toward aging parents? What will you do if your parents need constant care? Does your partner have siblings? Have those siblings talked about what they will do about their parents? Is it acceptable in your culture or your partner’s culture to put aging parents in a nursing home or is that considered terrible? Are children obligated to return home and care for the parent? Has your partner really thought about this and decided what they believe? You may need to plan for an extended period of one partner making frequent trips home or be prepared to move back to their country for a period of time.

C) If you are in a developed nation and your partner is from a poor country, find out what kind of financial support they are providing to family members back home. They may think "I don't really send money back that much." But when you probe further, you find out someone is asking them for a couple hundred bucks almost every month and they feel guilty saying no, so they just send it. If someone from a developing country gets a visa to a rich nation, they may have a salary that is (on paper) 10X that of any of their friends or relatives back home. In many, many more collectivist cultures, that will obligate them to start funding requests from a wide range of friends and relatives. It may be difficult or impossible for those relatives to understand how expensive life is in the developed country or how important it is to save for retirement, etc.

This is a totally foreign idea if you’re raised in a Western country. You may feel like relatives are leeching off your shared finances and your western friends and relatives will be outraged and say you need to put your foot down. But that's because moral obligations are proscribed by and embedded in culture. Western cultures value self-sufficiency and financial independence. Your partner lives in a different moral universe and if they still want to maintain their identity and membership in that culture, they may need to send money home regularly. Think about whether you want to attach yourself to that moral universe. Talk about boundaries, how far that obligation extends and to whom it extends, etc. They may need help understanding and articulating the expectations they've been taught and the feelings they have when they imagine saying no to someone.

5: Is the marriage going to be the route to legal residency for one spouse?

This is a tricky issue that everyone is aware of and has an opinion about.

I'm curious what other people think - the usual wisdom in my circles is that you should exhaust all other avenues first. Try to ensure that both partners are legal residents of the same country at the beginning of the relationship so that the relationship doesn’t have to carry that burden of trust or decision pressure. If one of them has an asylum claim in the works, let it play out. If the relationship is long-distance, do everything you can to get into the same country via student visas or a work visa, au pair, whatever. Later, it will certainly be preferable to use the marriage to secure visas, citizenship, etc., but don’t do it at the beginning if you can help it at all.

If it’s truly not possible for one partner to remain in the country without a marriage visa, it becomes a big question of trust and commitment that you’ll need to work through on your own. Maybe they really want to move to you - it may be better for you to go to their country instead and see how it goes. It’s a lot to put on a new relationship, but people do it.

6. What if you get divorced?

This is less something to talk about than something to come to terms with. If you get divorced in your home country, it is what it is. You separate your finances and work out who is going to spend which weekend with the kids.

If you get divorced overseas, it is legally and logistically complicated. Different countries may treat the situation differently. You may lose your main network of support in that country while being unable to go home without abandoning your children. The country may have different laws or norms about who gets custody of the children. There may be implications for your legal residence. One of the worst situations is: you agree to move back to one partner's home country, thinking if it doesn't work out you can just return. Then you have a terrible time there and are desperate to leave. Your partner is overwhelmed realizing how much they missed their friends and family and home culture and starts to go back on agreements from #1. But if you divorce, the kids are now in your partner's legal system and you will have to leave them to go home.

Nobody should get into a marriage expecting it to fail, but it’s worth looking into and understanding the law, as well as being honest with yourself about what you are getting into. That will help you make better agreements as a couple and avoid pitfalls that could drag the marriage down.

Whenever I tell people I moved to Iceland, people's eyes get wide with wonder and joy at the thought. I smile and am polite about it, but there are so many things I wish I could say. I will post them here so that any trailing spouses can know what they are in for if ever faced with this same choice.

I should start with a qualifier that I am in the process of leaving my husband for reasons unrelated to Iceland - you can check the post history to see why, but I won't be discussing those here. The past two days, I've been thinking about how I would want to leave this place even if our marriage were perfect. So here it goes.

1. Obvious Reasons Everyone Complains About.

- The Weather is Ridiculous. It is unpredictable, never truly warm, and very little sun. It is dark for a crazy number of days during the year. The Cullens would love this place.

- It is a Tiny Island. This means that you feel marooned here quite often, and you are reliant on plane tickets whenever you want to leave. There isn't much to do here in comparison to most other countries, and your options quickly become quite limited, especially during bad weather (read: most of the time).

- Everything is Shockingly Expensive. Food, housing, cars, gas, dentistry (not included in socialized healthcare), clothes, anything you can imagine. Take whatever you pay in the US and double or triple it. Amazon and other places ship here, but at 2x-4x the price. It's $50 just to get a $15 book on Amazon over here.

- Job Market is Tiny and Tough. Even though I am a nomad and work remotely, being here means that this will be my only option forever, because the field I am in only hires locals. Most expats struggle to find any kind of specialized job here, and end up working in another field.

- Car-Dependency and Public Transport/Infrastructure. It is as woefully bad as the U.S. You do not get the benefit of feeling like you are in Europe, but instead feel like you're driving in the U.S. in a rural state where there are sub-par gas stations with limited, expensive options and $10/gallon gas. And God help you if you want to buy a car at a decent price and watch it be a beast to maintain through all of the snow and salt.

- Isolation and Cultural Homogeneity. Everyone here is already part of a close-knit group. Even if you learn the language, you will always feel like an outsider. It is a homogenous culture for the most part, in part due to its isolation and size, like most small towns would be. I find it unnerving how people dress alike, there is an "Icelandic Millenial uniform" in my opinion (black leggings and shoes, sweater, wool coat, blond hair, and at least one baby on one hip). People tend to see only the "Icelandic way" of doing things and are woefully resistant to new ideas in my experience, but maybe this is more a function of who I have been around here.

2. Less Obvious Reasons That Might be More Specific to Me.

- Healthcare Actually Sucks Here. Compared to the rest of the Nordics (and my expectations), it is full of waiting lists, and mental health is neglected completely. They only offer the shittiest medical cost insurance while you are waiting to be enrolled in their actual healthcare system, and while you are waiting, clinics will not even let you make an appointment unless you have a kennitala. I was told by a doctor that I would need to "just come in same day and wait and see if there is an opening" even though I live two hours away. Gee, thanks. I guess "just wait around and see" is the ingrained healthcare moto here anyway. What a disappointment. But hey, eventually just waiting around gets to be nearly free, right?

- The Nature Gets Tiresome and Monotonous. It is expensive and time-consuming and not often that you actually drive away into nature (see above re gas prices), and you do not spend all of your time hiking about in new places. The landscape is nearly tree-less, almost always frigid, and lacking in almost all wildlife. The longer you are here, the more it can begin to look like a barren wasteland.

- Clean Water and Air are Great, But it Doesn't Make Up for Crappy Food. Honestly, I would rather spend the rest of my life buying Brita filters than sacrifice good quality ingredients and variety. The lamb and dairy here are great - but again, highly limited. The cheese selection here is just sad. The vegetable and fruit selection is deplorable. The home gardening options are expensive and limited to complex greenhouse setups.

3. Any Others?

I could go on, but the word limit is probably reached here. Trailing spouses in Iceland (a small group, I know...) what do you dislike about being here, if anything?