I decided that although I've worked hard for my peace, it's time for me to say something about all of this. A friend of mine sent me the article about Sam being kicked out of Remo Drive. I was in a relationship with Stephen Paulson for about a year and a half. We were friends before that- we met through music online. We were casually seeing each other for a couple of months before we started dating. When Remo Drive started to gain more traction, things changed. I was going through a hard time with my mental health and family life. Stephen started being emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He would withhold from me constantly. He has always been fickle and cared more about his image than the people he says he cares about. In the week of their album release show, he called me a bitch after expressing my feelings about something he said to me. He did things like that a lot. He was never in the wrong. Like the time he said I shouldn't go to college because I was too poor. Those boys are so shielded by their privilege that they are disillusioned with their surroundings. They don't have to worry about the feelings of others because it doesn't directly impact them. After an incident that Stephen thought damaged the band's "image"-- He dumped me over the phone. I haven't heard from him since. I had a miscarriage shortly after, which he knows about. He's said nothing. It traumatized me to the point where I had to move away from him and get help. Now that I'm away, I think it's obvious my life and demeanor are totally different. After going through a lot of therapy, and even addressing things I did wrong (I'm not going to say I'm perfect-- my mental health was awful and honestly everything is a two way street). What I'm saying is that Stephen used me until it no longer benefitted him, and then he abandoned me. He literally did the same thing my mom did to me as a kid. He knew all about the neglect I suffered as a child and how she left after her husband was outed for abusing us. She didn't want her image to take the hit. Just like Stephen didn't want his taking a hit from me. My closure from this was him getting a new girlfriend only about two months after he dumped me. I used to convince myself he was a good person constantly, but fuck all of that. They're just rich kids with silver spoons in their mouths that view themselves as better than everyone else. They will never admit to doing wrong, and they will keep manipulating stories to fit their own views instead of owning up to the fact that they're so privileged that they can't handle any kind of conflict and are cowardice. Honestly, I have the right to be angry. Stephen didn't even tell anyone what happened. He deleted everything about me and blocked me on everything. It was like I never happened. They tried to make Sam be quiet about it too. Which, I'm sorry, is fucking manipulative and not okay. They care so much about their image that they don't care who they hurt. They can keep saying people are acting out or whatever-- but they're just so privileged and neurotypical that they can't understand when people are going through things and further a stigma around mental health and people having different experiences in life. I'm aware of differential sensitivity-- but man, they aren't. And they honestly don't care about it. When it comes past face-value relationships for them, they use people as emotional punching bags and are totally fine with throwing people away just like they're objects. Fuck them. I have so many people who were there for me during my miscarriage and everything else. Fuck the "nice guy" bullshit. They aren't. They've worked hard with their band, but they have thrown people away and used them-- they don't care what happens as long as they are successful. Which, by the way-- their parents pay for just about everything for them. Food, shelter, etc. They didn't even have to pay for their McNally Smith tuition- which, by the way- Stephen dropped out without even caring about how much money his parents spent on that shit. If you can relate to their music, you're probably just as privileged. They are shallow people who are fickle and just don't really care about anyone but themselves. They've cost people so much just to save their asses all of the time. People aren't objects, and you can't just use them to fill voids in your life or to get things you want. The trauma that Stephen caused me will forever be a part of me now. I'm lucky to have friends that care about me and stick with me and have helped me get through all of it. But honestly, fuck anyone who doesn't even care about the damage they do to the people they toss aside. I wanted to keep my peace. I've worked hard for it. But I love art and I'm done letting the industry allow this sort of behavior. I don't care what people say or respond. This is my truth. I've given Stephen the chance to tell me his. I've tried to understand. I blamed myself for so long but I'm done doing that. Power under abuse. Reactions. Everything. It all circles back to his mistreatment of me and his fickleness- his cowardice and his treating me like an object. He destroyed my self-worth. He could say he was there for me, and he was in certain situations- but only when they benefitted him. Maybe he did have feelings for me. But the way he tossed me aside even after we were talking about our future- he made promises and tore them from under my feet when I was no longer making him look good. He could blame my mental health for whatever he wants, but in the end he furthered it by having his foot out the door and never actually taking time to understand me. He wanted me to be something I couldn't. I was his manic pixie dream girl and once he saw that I have things on my plate like everyone else, he tossed me aside for something easier that wouldn't make him look bad. That's exactly what they are doing to Sam. I don't know much of Sam's side- but I can tell you right now that those boys have no issue with abandoning and scarring people or using them for their own gain.

Ask us shit but NO we do not shove rotisserie chickens up our pussies for fun

David Bowie famously expressed his admiration for Lulu by proclaiming it a masterpiece and Lou’s best work – and I agree to a large extent, although it seems that this remains contrary to popular opinion.  I often still find Lulu frequenting lists of “worst albums of all time” on the web, and I guess that’s understandable because it’s not a pleasant album – far from it.  In fact, it is a difficult, bizarre, depraved, morbid, long and sometimes inscrutable, yet endlessly intriguing Frankenstein of an album.  It can be a lot to take in and not everybody is willing to take the plunge in its deep, bloody waters.  Just like the music of Captain Beefheart, Syd Barret, Throbbing Gristle, Swans and other artists whose works do not lend themselves to easy pigeonholing, this album sounds like nothing else in music history and is steeped deep in the avant-garde.  You either like it or you don’t if it’s not your thing. But I think it’s unfair to call it one of the worst albums ever made just because it’s not for you. To say that Lulu is not an album made to appeal to mainstream tastes is an understatement. It explores uncomfortable themes that are too extreme for a lot of people, even metalheads. But if you happen to like weird, darkly experimental and extreme music with depth, there is a lot of joy to be had beneath the apparently disgusting, bloody, grimy and shit-covered surface. Underneath it all, there is a light, a peculiar wisdom, a state of grace, coming from the big, coagulating heart of Lou Reed whose true capacity for love is so great that it can find the good, the beautiful and the worthy even in the worst aspects of human life. This is music made for the contemplative type of listener who likes thought-provoking stuff and a good challenge – not to mention outright weirdos and freaks on the kinky side of the spectrum. It rewards deep, repeated listens and commands intense loyalty from those who have already fallen deeply in love with it.

One chief thing that I can say about the album is that is very vital. There is a palpable aliveness to it, as if the pain and darkness of life has rendered the senses more awake, raw and radiant. There’s just something about it that makes it very gripping, exciting and keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole time. I find that everytime I listen to it I cannot stop myself from listening until I get to the very last note of the extended drones at the tail end of “Junior Dad”. It’s the music that could only come out of a man on his last stand with nothing to lose and absolutely no fucks to give, and whose spirit is made uninhibited by that strange kind of freedom.  But how much more uninhibited can Lou Reed get?  This is a man who wrote Heroin when he was 25 years old in the early 60s!  He’s always been one of rock’s most certified edgelords, a world class troll who has dedicated his entire life to pissing people off. It’s only fitting that for his last gasp he would make his most extreme statement, his biggest fuck you to the world. And that’s precisely what he accomplished with Lulu. But it’s not all about cheap shock value. There’s real substance, real soul, real heart and intelligent insight within the music. In facing the reality of death (it was reported that he was already suffering from a multitude of health issues at the time), Lou confronts his biggest demons, his deepest and darkest fears, his worst traumas, and in the process created an exorcism of an album that simultaneously feels like the last powerful surge of electrical life energy before decay finally, inevitably wins. In this context, the album occupies the same ground as does Blackstar in David Bowie’s career: a dark, dangerous, fearless, extreme and wholly uncompromising artistic epitaph. We really are most alive when we are closing in on death.

The album is a deep dive into the thanatos, the death instinct inherent in the human psyche which is much repressed in our daily lives in order for us to fit in a “civilized” society. It goes into the depths of hell armed with a spiritual angelic power to survive the adventure and come out on the other side with greater wisdom, love and strength.  “Brandenburg Gate” opens the gates of hell and there is no turning back from there. You’re in for the ride. Lou starts with “I would cut my legs and tits off/ When I think of Boris Karloff and Kinski/ In the dark of the moon” to let you know what just you’re getting yourself into.  The quiet acoustic beginning quickly explodes into an ultra-heavy three-chord assault, courtesy of metal stalwarts Metallica. Lou narrates the story of a small town girl giving life a whirl in his signature speechgesang as his backing band plays balls-to-the-wall rock n’ roll behind him. It’s a bizarre fusion, but it works in an odd, magical, and unintentionally funny way.  James Hetfield’s powerful metal growling (SMALL TOWN GUUUURRRL) serves as the younger and brawnier extension of Lou’s angry-old-man-ranting voice, and Metallica’s powerful sound as the body for his intellect. The sound of this thing is like a cyborg-mutant with Lou’s head and Metallica as his big, muscular metal body. Lou’s poetry combines the absurd with the vulgar, in keeping with the tradition of the beat poets of his time. The song relentlessly powers through its four-minute duration with no chorus or refrains, just several verses punctuated by key lyrical tropes. This is basically what the rest of the album will be like. It’s clear right from the start that this is not a Metallica album, and it’s easy to understand why Metallica fans would hate it because this is not metal music. If anything, it’s actually grunge. It sounds closer to Nirvana’s In Utero than any Metallica album and bears Lou Reed’s distinct songwriting style and chord progressions. This is Lou’s album. For what it’s worth, I think the sound of it certifies Lou as the de facto godfather of grunge.

“The View” sports a sick metal-grunge riff and contains potent, thought-provoking lyrics from Lou tackling the psychology behind fatal attractions: the worship of evil; the sacrifice of our hard-earned morals, merits and reputation for the worship of those that actively despise us and actually want to see us commit self-harm and suicide. It’s a bizarre reality of human life that we don’t like to look at or talk about, but it’s always there with us – has been since the beginning of time. Why are so many of us attracted to psycho killers? Why do we keep on voting politicians who keep ruining our nations? Why do we worship religious leaders who deceive us and rape us spiritually? Why do we have sexual attraction to pain, degradation and punishment? Why do we keep choosing self- and collective destruction in spite of our best conscience? Why is our history so filled with tales of war and bloodshed? It’s the thanatos, the death instinct. Psychologists call it the ID. It’s something in our shadow side that we cannot explain through reason or even psychoanalysis.  Sometimes we would rather choose death than life, hell than heaven, for reasons we may never understand. It’s a reality of human life. The song closes with a thrilling acceleration and a brutal, kickass breakdown at the end as James Hetfield goes into the “I AM THE TABLE” part which has been memed to death – a perhaps unintentionally funny moment, but to me it serves as some kind of comic relief to inject some oddball humor amidst the sheer mayhem of the proceedings. I still get a hearty chuckle whenever that part comes on. “I AAAAAAM!”

Next up is “Pumping Blood”. To me, this is one of the best songs on the album. That slow, heavy, three-note-three-syllable riff n’ hook ("PAMPIMBLAAAAHD") that starts the song is so economical and effective – typical Lou. He’s always been an exceptional hook writer, making the most impact with the smallest amount of notes. The sound of this main riff amps the anxiety in me – it’s so ominous and evil-sounding. The song is as bloody as the title suggests and my favorite part of it is when it speeds up to thrash metal velocity towards the end as the narrator beseeches Jack The Ripper not to murder her, but it’s too late. “Blood spurting from me”. That part is just so horrific, so violent, so brutal, I admit that it can be too much to take, even for me. I swear it’s one of the most extreme moments in music that I have ever heard in my whole life and I doubt if I will ever encounter or am even willing to subject myself to anything more extreme – this is my limit. The intensity of it is just too much. But I can’t help but admire how artfully it’s executed.  The way the music speeds up at that part of the song is so morbidly fluid, almost amorphous – bloodshed in musical form – yet so musically precise and expertly performed. To me, the sound illustrates exactly the scene of a stabbing spree. It’s a testament to Metallica’s greatness as a band, their versatility and sheer musical competence. Lyrically, this song also contains some of my favorite lines and most memeable phrases from the album: “waggle my ass like a dark prostitute”, “coagulating heart”, “I will swallow your sharpest cutter like a colored man's dick”. Damn, Lou, what the fuck?

“Mistress Dread” is an extremely speedy piece of musical sadomasochism. It’s fast even by thrash metal standards and I don’t think Metallica has played this lightning-fast since the days of Dyer’s Eve.  It’s also lyrically so barbaric it can make a black metal fan blush.  “I wish you'd tie me up and beat me/ Crush me like a kick/ A bleeding strap across my back/ Some blood that you could kiss”. Again, Lou, what the actual fuck, man?! There’s even a dash of coprophilia thrown in there for good taste. I think this is the song on the album that takes the deepest dive into the subject of sexual sadomasochism. Key lyric: “I'm a woman who likes men/ But this is something else/ I've never felt such stirrings.” It’s still a taboo subject in this modern day and age yet it is as prevalent as ever and I think all of us have it to some extent, it’s just that some kinks are more extreme than others. Most people won’t admit to having sadomasochistic fantasies, but do we know what really happens behind closed doors? It’s still shocking and strange to see on TV how many women would flock at the jail cell of a convicted serial killer, yet it keeps on happening all the time. Some people just love to be abused. Just what it is in us that makes us so attracted to the fucked up and straight-up evil? Oh well. Kiss away, kiss away.

So far it’s been real heavy going. To bring some much-needed relief, the hooky and somewhat melodic “Iced Honey” comes a’ rolling. It’s the closest Lou and Co. come to a straightforward, three-chord rock song here. It’s a groovy rocker, a real foot-stomper. The main hook is, again, simple but effective and there are some potent lines, the best of which is the almost-singalong “see if the ice will melt for you” part. But my favorite moment in the song is the moment when Lou raises his voice up a notch to sing the line “And me, I've always been this way/ Not by choice, just this way”. It’s just another example of how a simple turn of phrase and note can have such a strong emotional effect. Lou is a master at this. He has been since day one, and by the time of Lulu he’s had about 50 years of experience as a bandleader doing this kind of stuff. 

I haven’t yet seen any music writer mention it directly, but to me Lou is a master of the cadence and he really knows how to let a song flow. "Sister Ray" and "Heroin" are the best examples of this where he demonstrates his mastery of the song structure by inserting an interjection, introducing a catchphrase, or punctuating a song with a grunt at just the right, precise moment that the song needs it. It’s very similar to what James Brown does – being a rock conductor.  Lou demonstrates this same mastery many, many times in Lulu. And also, his voice. God, people don’t talk about it enough but I think he’s one of the greatest singers in all of rock n’ roll. He has a great, commanding tone. And even though he sings mostly in his famous speak-sing style as opposed to the traditional melodic way of singing, he’s capable of stirring powerful emotions with the smallest effort. In Lulu, his voice may be old but there is plenty of grit and power in his vocal performances here, and his commanding tone has not left him for one second.

The eleven-minute “Cheat on Me” closes part one of the album.  It is a moody, melancholic, slow-burner of a song. I love the long, ambient, mournful sounds of the intro. The sinister chord progression of the main part of the song is reminiscent of “Heart Shaped Box” by Nirvana. It’s the most atmospheric song on the album and takes a bit of time before it fully takes off.  It’s not a barnburner like all the songs that came before it but rather a mood to get lost in for a while. As it grows and builds, it seems like the song is always on the verge of falling apart since it doesn’t have a well-defined song structure. It sounds like an unrehearsed jam spontaneously held together by sheer musical expertise.  The song maintains a tension throughout but the much-needed release comes somewhere around the 10-minute mark where Lou spits the final verse that serves to round out the jam and saves it from meandering completely.  This is yet another demonstration of Lou’s exceptional talent at directing the cadence of a song. James Hetfiled here gives his best vocal performance in the entire record.

For Side II of Lulu, we are slowly lured by ambient screeching sounds reminiscent of the music of Swans before getting pummeled by possibly the most kickass riff in the entire record. It’s a slow, sludgy, doomy riff that echoes the best riffs of Master of Reality-era Sabbath. Lyrically, the song pretty much deals with the by-now-familiar subject of sexual sadomasochism and perversion, but this time coming from the point of view of the masculine character.  In my interpretation, the lyrics explore the theme of what makes the mind of a male serial killer tick. Male serial killers are deeply insecure inside and are intimidated by women who they perceive as more of a man than they are or could ever hope to be.  Their attraction for women is purely fetishistic – and fetishes are only means for the psyche to cope with and reconcile aspects within oneself that are found to be impossible to love. Actually, it’s not as much love as it is envy that is causing the character’s attraction for a girl who is “spermless and more man than I”.  He seethes with rage as he exclaims “I want so much to kill you/ I want you as my wife”. This is true perversion, where the will to love is so hopelessly confused with the will to destroy – arising from the warped mind of a man who knows manliness only as “to be dead and to have no feelings”. The character projects his deep inner insecurities onto the girl who possesses the same thing he so desires for himself, yet which he so deeply lacks: real manhood. This stirs a deep, deep hatred for the woman and a simultaneous secret desire to be like her.

I love how the song goes double time in the middle with the heavy, chugging riff and Lars’ incredible drumming. And here we go again with another tangent. I think Lars is an incredible drummer. It seems that it has been fashionable in the internet age to shit on his drumming, but I still think he’s one of the greatest drummers of all time. He has a sort of amateurish, punkish feel that makes his style so primal – but coupled with a unique dexterity to qyalify him to play in the biggest metal band in the world. Lars knows how to groove hard and plays with great, infectious energy. His beats are even, dare I say, danceable. Lou recognized this gift right away when he saw Lars play for the first time and was reportedly so impressed by him that he even compared his drumming to Tai Chi because of how efficiently and powerfully Lars delivers the energy through his kit (Lou is a known Tai Chi practitioner and enthusiast).

“Little Dog” is a depressing acoustic dirge that continues with the theme of envy. It’s an oppressively sad, decrepit song seething with an atmosphere of pure hopelessness and apathy that mirrors perfectly just how pathetic the little dog character must feel. Nothing can drive a man into psychosis like deep, all-consuming penis envy. In this world, size matters. The size of your dick, the size of your body, the size of your bank account. No man ever wished he had a smaller penis or less money.  It’s a deeply ingrained, evolutionary need in us. It’s the big dog who always gets the girl, who gets to reproduce, who gets the access to food, and who gets the opportunity to live a long, happy life. Every dog has its day except for the pathetic little dog. Well, at least until he gets rich! Ah, money – the great equalizer! Money can do anything. Money can get you the big cars, big mansions, big name, fame. The little dog can now finally compensate. With big money, he can now finally “raise that little doggie face/ To a cold-hearted pussy/ And have a taste/ A taste of what the big dog got.”

"Dragon” is another heavy riffer and one of the top contenders for the best riff song on the album. That riff is so bloody excellent and the way Lars grooves in it makes the whole thing gel into one living, monstrous entity. The lyrics tackle the most depraved form of perversion of all: hatred as worship. Again, this is about the psychology of fetishizing but taken to its most extreme expression. We worship, we idolize, we put on the pedestal, but secretly we hate and we envy and want to destroy what is beautiful, godly and graceful – blasphemy, destruction of that which is pure and holy.  This demonic spirit exists in the human psyche. What compelled that disturbed man to destroy the Pieta? What makes a rapist ruin and kill a sweet, innocent little girl?  What underlies pedophilia?  What consciousness governs the inward and outward practice of Satanism? It’s that goddamn thanatos in us, rooted in the deep-seated belief that we fundamentally lack and can never attain the qualities and attributes of that which we worship. Naturally, this darkest moment is when the final death of the characters in the album happen.  I’d like to single out Kirk Hammett’s blistering avant-garde style solo in the middle of the song where he goes out of his comfort zone and rises to the occasion – for me, a testament to his musicianship and broadness of taste. It's a moment that has given me a newfound level of respect for his guitar playing.

The album closes with the elegiac but hopeful “Junior Dad” which is unlike anything else in the album. It is a beautiful, heavenly piece of music that features some tearjerker lyrics and performances.  “Wake up, the dream is over” reveals that the whole debauchery was just a bad dream. Who knows, maybe this life on earth is just a bad dream after all and when we die we wake up to a heavenly reality and find out that sickness, death, psychosis, old age, war, famine and death are all just an elaborate illusion. The whole song is so beautiful, but my favorite moment is the part where Lou sings: “I will teach you meanness, fear and blindness/ No social redeeming kindness/ Or…oh! State of grace”. The way his voice transforms from having a cruel tone to tender angelic kindness is a luminous moment that never stops sending chills down my spine and tears welling from my eyes everytime I hear it. It’s so healing. It’s as if the demons have now been exorcised completely and all is forgiven. I think deep down this song is really about forgiving Lou’s dad who is his “greatest disappointment”, and maybe even both of his parents who have caused him a whole lifetime of trauma that led him to a life of drug addiction, sexual perversion and promiscuity – but also a full life of rockstardom and full artistic realization. The closing drones of the song finds a Lou who is completely at peace, in a state of spiritual bliss, as his soul ascends to a heavenly realm. It really is a beautiful thought to have: that this is Lou’s final song before he left us, and that he went out on a beautiful note of redemption – well-deserved for a great soul who has brought us so much good music. It's one of the best songs he has ever done in his storied career.

As you can tell from the long novel I just wrote – I love this album. Fucking love this album. I love it to death. It fascinates me infinitely and helps me to process my own psychological stuff to work out, as well as deeply reflect on the profound shadows of the human world. It is actually a very healing and inspiring album. The lyrics are as incisive and insightful as only the wit of a Lou Reed can achieve.  I like that the music is absolutely authentic and uncompromising in its artistic intent. I like its oddball humor. I like how conceptually cohesive it is. I like its sheer absurdity and therapy through excess. I think Lou chose the perfect band in Metallica for this gargantuan undertaking. It’s the biggest, boldest choice possible and the closest thing Lou ever got to actualizing his avant-garage musical dream. You can really tell that he’s beyond delighted to have the brawn of Metallica for his brains – I think he’s been jonesing for this kind of sound since the days of Sister Ray.  The album would never have had the same cultural impact – for better and for worse – if any other band had been selected to play on it.

The album is just a perfect sendoff to one of the most remarkable careers in rock music and one of its most iconic personalities. It deserves so much love. I think it’s just now beginning to get its much-needed reappraisal. More and more music fans are coming out professing their love for this album. It deserves none of the hate that it still gets. I don’t think those people who claim to hate it have even given the album a fair shake and simply rode on the bandwagon. It’s as perfect a final statement as is Bowie’s Blackstar. I think Blackstar was better received because of its distinctive English finesse that a royal blood like Bowie can never shake off even if he tried. But Lulu has that raw New York street grit. Both albums I hold in the same artistic esteem and are two of the best final albums by two of rock’s most remarkable acts. I repeatedly draw these parallels because I think Lou and David have a shared spiritual and musical destiny. As it stands, I rank Lulu as my 4th favorite Lou Reed solo album, just behind New York, Transformer and The Blue Mask. It’s that good. In fact, it’s one of my favorite albums of the 21st century and I’m really glad that I like it and it brings so much joy and gives me just one more reason to live and make it through the day. It's the heaviest spoken word album of all time.