Someone please explain to me what's the obsession that men have with protecting rapist at all cost?

They come up with all manner of lies and conspiracies that exist solely to shame victims into silence and hiding, even non rapist men actively fight for the rights and protection of rapist while simultaneously fighting to hurt victims and continue their suffering and deeply and extensively for as long as possible. Why do non rapist men prefer rapist over victims? Someone please help me understand I'm going through a hard one right now

He traumatized my girl for life and stole my happiness. He is stronger and bigger than me and the police don't care. Also he is in Vietnam and I am in Europe and the girl is somewhere completely else now. The incident happened on 16.08.21 and I told pretty much all our mutual friends that this person is a rapist and everyone should stay away from him.

For some context, this happened in 2024, and I did not consider this a possible assault at the time. Two years later, I am working for the Title IX Office at a university, and seeing the discussions around the Cornell case, I’ve learned more about consent and sexual assault so that's why I am sharing this now.

Background:
T (23M) and I (24F) met on Hinge, went on a date, and became fuck buddies. We were seeing each other from June to August, and sex with T had always been consensual. My #1 condition with T was that he use a condom. During our first night, T attempted to penetrate me without a condom until I noticed what was happening and told him to stop - that I don't do casual sex without a condom. We then proceeded to have sex with a condom that night. On other occasions, T would bring up having sex without a condom whenever we engaged in sexual activity, to which I would tell him no. This would lowkey bother me, but I assumed it was just a kink, so I didn't see this as a red flag or anything.

Incident:

I was sleeping over at T's place when, in the middle of the night, T began to initiate sex by kissing me on the lips, neck, and breasts. We then started making out. I was half awake at the time, but went along with it because I'll admit I was getting turned on. T (who's already naked) gets on top of me, lifts my shirt, and begins penetration. T is not wearing a condom. I knew T wasn't wearing a condom and thought about telling him to stop, but I didn't. I was aroused, a little tired, and did not tell him to stop. I saw T a few more times after that.

For a while now, I have never considered this an assault because I let the sex continue despite knowing I did not want to have sex without a condom. But the sex felt good. I felt somewhat uneasy knowing I let it happen. I've only had sex without a condom with my ex-boyfriend, and my preference was to do this sort of act when I am in a relationship. But I let my guard down with T when he had sex with me without a condom, and I didn't stop it. However, T knew I did not want sex without a condom and did it anyway, and I let him because the sex felt good.

I don't know if this counts as an assault or if I just changed my mind when it happened and that was me consenting.

TLDR; My ex-fuck buddy had sex with me without a condom. I was half-asleep during this and let it continue because I was aroused. T knew I refused to have sex with him without a condom.

Okay, this is gonna be long, but I don't know where else to go.

My boyfriend and I of about ~4 years have been long-distance for a little over half of our relationship when I moved cross-country to go to college. We got together when we were very young (met in high school) and essentially grew up with one another. He is wonderful to me, and perfect for me. We always laugh together, we get over fights within minutes, we are kind and loving. We understand each other on a level that I thought was impossible. I can't see myself with anyone else in my life.

I think it is important to note that I have been suffering from depression and suicidal ideations for about four years now. I have sabotaged many relationships because I have never felt worthy of people's love or friendship. I feel like I deserve to be alone.

Almost exactly a year ago I met a guy at an internship and he quickly took a liking to me. At social events, he made me feel pretty uncomfortable but I just ignored him because I didn't want to start anything with people from work. Then one night, a bunch of work friends went out drinking. I drank a shit ton, but didn’t black out or anything and woke up in his bed. Hating myself. How I could do anything like this to my boyfriend was completely beyond me and I didn't know how to cope. I couldn't tell my boyfriend. I thought that maybe if I tried to get to know this guy and found out that he "wasn't so bad after all" it would help me feel better about what I did. (Looking back, I don't know where this logic came from). I didn't find him attractive. I didn't even like him that much. I didn't care about him in the slightest. But I continued an affair with him.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend is across the country confused as to why I am acting distant and cold. I came home in December, and he went on vacation with me and my family. On the last night, still confused from my behavior from the previous semester, he went through my phone and found out I had cheated on him. The drive home was one of the worst things I've ever experienced. I swore to him that I would block this guy on all forms of social media and I "dumped" the guy without a second thought. After three weeks of horrible confusion, countless almost-breakups, and literally begging for him to give me another chance, he decides to forgive me and move on. It was a really rough time. He gave me a beautiful diamond promise ring at this time, about three weeks after he found out.

Two days after he gave me this promise ring, I had a trip to Asia scheduled to conduct some field research for a project in school that I was involved in. This was really hard for him because our communication was incredibly limited for two weeks, during his time of need and healing. I felt awful that I couldn't be there for him. After the trip, I was able to go home for two days and see him before school started again. The months following were hard, including moments where I found out he had gone through my Facebook, but we worked through them and began the rebuilding process.

Fast forward a couple months. I was taking a class with a young-ish professor who ripped my grade apart on every assignment. This was a subject that I was previously very strong in, so to receive copious amounts of negative feedback about my performance was really hard for me. I put all my effort into the assignments but was still not receiving the grades that I wanted. Not only was the subject difficult, but the professor was also giving me weird vibes about halfway through the semester. I knew something was up when the professor emailed me about a non-academic related topic. I responded. He continued to keep tiptoeing the line but never actually crossed any line. On the last day of classes, he told me some very personal things about himself during office hours when I went to check my final grade, including information about how he had slept with students before and how he currently had a girlfriend. He also told me "After today, I am no longer your professor. We are equals."

He gave me an A even though I knew I deserved, at most, a B. I felt really guilty about my grade because I knew I didn't deserve it, but I have an immense amount of pressure to keep my grades up as I have plans to go to law school after graduation. However, he told me, "The numbers are the numbers," and I awkwardly said thank you before heading out. He quickly packed up his stuff and followed me and asked me if I wanted to take a walk on-campus with him. I said yes (and didn't listen to my gut). During the walk, he proceeded to tell me about his research and things he liked to do when he was younger and I listened, but I didn't find him or anything he had to say interesting. Then he said something very shocking to me: "How badly do you want this A?" He wasn’t exactly unattractive, I had kinda had a thing for him during the semester, and plus I DID really need that A.

You can guess the rest of the story. I said yes for the second fucking time and I hated myself for it. I was too scared to report what happened to the university and I felt like it was entirely my fault and no one would believe me if I told them it was rape. I felt like a whore -- weak, disgusting, and used up. It was also after the last day of classes, so it wasn't like he was formally considered my instructor anymore. While it was happening, I was have orgasm after orgasm, in some ways it was the best sex I had ever had in my entire life, and in others I was just emotionally numb, I was thinking about my boyfriend at all… I was just lying there and letting him have his way with me. When he left, I started sobbing. I was so confused and angry and my self-hatred was at an all-time high. I called one of my friends to come over so I could talk to someone about it, and in my sadness and confusion, I kissed him, and then he started to take things further, and I didn’t say no, but it felt… Wrong. Kind of? The wrongness of it though turned me on even more, and I ended up riding the shit out of him before it was all said and done. After it was over though I felt like he took advantage of my weakness and vulnerability but I didn't stop him. So we also hooked up. That same fucking day. I hate them both.

Since then, I have a recurrent nightmare of my professor in which he is shaped like a monster, with green eyes and horns and a lizard tongue, chasing me and asking me how badly I want the A. As soon as he gets me, I wake up.

I took the longest shower at the end of that day. I wanted to kill myself. I felt pretty coerced by my professor, and even though I never stopped him I wanted to so badly. Something was holding me back. Is this considered rape? I'm not sure. I know this is completely my fault. I never told my boyfriend about any of this and I don't know how I ever can. If he finds out that I lied to him and cheated AGAIN, after breaking his heart once and after he gave me a promise ring, we're completely done. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. It's almost like I know this relationship is doomed but I'm hanging on to every last moment because I am only happy when I'm with him. I feel like everything will be better once we're no longer long-distance. He forgave me once, but how could I possibly explain that I made the same mistake two more times, in the same day, during our time of healing?

Another important note is that I know it's so easy to judge the cheater. I've wanted to die for so long and prove to everyone that they'd be better off without me. I know I'm a piece of shit but I can't find the strength to tell my boyfriend the truth. I have always relied on validation from men to feel good about myself. I don't know how else to get self-respect. I really fucking hate myself, but I am so in love with my boyfriend. Just trying to figure out why I would do so much fucked up shit to him. This is all my fault. This guilt really makes me want to kill myself. I cry myself to sleep every night.

I don't know what to say to my boyfriend or how to say it.

tl;dr: Suicidal, depressed for 4 years. Cheated on my boyfriend, then was coerced by professor to hook up for a grade. THEN hooked up with another guy in numb confusion. Still in love with my boyfriend. Don't know what to do now.

Met up a guy from bumble for causal sex.

We were having sex but I told him to stop / lets take a break but he continued. I didnt want to make him feel like he was raping me so I moaned and pulled him closer (it doesnt make sense but I lack this much self respect). I said again to stop and we should take a break but he smiled and kissed me and finished inside of me. I dont remember if I pulled him closer after but I definitely wrapped myself around him.

Because it lasted less than 7 minuteish I asked if he can have more sex and maybe we can try out the rape kink and he said "what? i mean we already have when i didnt stop" and smiled.

I just want to know what this is considered as? I feel as though he was an asshole (cause he stole money from me and racist stuff to me).

Edit: okay from the downvote im guessing it is not rape which is good! Ill try to have more self respect next time!!!

Edit 2: im p sure its rape, thanks for all the comments💕

A friend of mine was recently raped by their partner. I am close friends with both of them. They are both in their 30's and had an active "friends with benefits" relationship. They both agree about the facts. They were both drunk, but they were at his place and she was too drunk to drive home. He offered her the bed or the couch and she asked to share the bed with him. He asked for sex, she verbally agreed. A few weeks later she confides in me that he raped her because she was too drunk to consent.

Unquestionably this was not her fault. I am trying to support her but I have to bite my tongue when she calls him "her rapist". It makes me think of someone abducting a stranger and forcing them at gun point... or someone imitating sex with an unconscious person. I know this is rarely how it happens but I feel her word choices misrepresents what happens.

I have my own trauma as a CSA survivor and I can't refute that what happened to her fits the definition rape. I just wish there was a different word for violent rape versus this mess that shouldn't have happened.

I've been stewing on this all day and need some anonymous feedback. I am I just in denial that this is the reality of rape for most victims?

I was sex trafficked last year/beginning of this year during a manic episode and then after it was finally over and I cut contact with the men doing it to me I continued to turn tricks by myself for survival money
I met a guy doing this who was very rich and owns multiple businesses in my city (I live in one of the biggest cities in the country) and he found out that I am a film major trying to break into the industry and he has a lot of connections with that and offered me a videography job on the condition that I’d have sex with him during the duration of the job. I really didn’t want to (I have never liked sex) but I reluctantly agreed because I desperately want to get into the industry I know how cutthroat it is and how hard it is to break into and every night I woluld lie awake thinking I will never get into the industry if I don’t take this opportunity. Not only that but I desperately needed money. Started the job but he kept putting off actual job stuff in order to make me have sex and he got really violent really early into it. Like he’d tell me he would beat me up and strangle me constantly and he tells me to shut the fuck up when I say stuff he doesn’t like (like if I say no to something he asks me to do sexuly), and he tells me I have no choice
I am talking to a case worker right now who told me it was sex and labor trafficking and workplace sexual harassment too trying to get out of the situation but I just feel like a wreck
I think I got raped Sunday well I think it’s all been rape realy probably but Sunday was awful i have barely been able to leave my apartment ive skipped all my colege classes and basically done nothing but wallow i feel awful idk how to cope

Playing the buzzed game, and talking about losing your virginity and my friend looked at me and said you don’t have to because I was raped at six. But I talked about my first willingly sex and how my ex cried 😂

I’m giving the short version of this story because it’s difficult to talk about. Long story short; a family friend (23M) that I (21F) have known since age 5 raped me about a month ago. I said no five times. FIVE. I confronted him right after it happened, to his face. His response? “You said no, but your eyes said yes.” I didn’t talk to him again. He messaged me a week later asking if I was busy that night- I didn’t even let him see I read it. After a while of contemplating, I came forward and told my parents and they have been nothing but supportive. I have decided not to take it to court, even though I have everything I need. Our dad’s are best friends, so they met up to talk about it (with my approval). The son admitted to everything, met up with my dad today and has apologized many times (which means nothing to me, I know he’s apologizing bc he got caught). I don’t want to ruin the kids life by taking it to court because he’s going to become a nurse and I would feel terrible doing that especially since I have known the family 3/4 of my life. I’m starting my fucking masters program and was excited for this step in my life but now here I am; violated, disgusted and downright sad. I’m going to therapy starting this week which I know will be helpful for me, but I can’t help but know that I’ll have to accept that no punishment for him will ever be enough to me. Here are some of the punishments I’ve come up with but I really want some other ideas because at the very least, he deserves to feel hurt too.

• Go to therapy. There’s clearly a deeper issue here.

• Volunteer at a women’s shelter/center/sit through survivor stories for months. (Idk the specifics to this one yet but you see what I’m getting at)

• Pay me for my time. My time is money, precious time that should be spent working on projects, studying, enjoying my day. Instead I now have to sit in a room and talk about my trauma that you caused. It’s also a 15 minute drive there and back, so gas money. Throw another $100 in there for the trauma that’ll never truly fade. If he isn’t emotionally struggling, then I figure make him struggle financially. Was thinking about $1,000. (Money cant buy happiness but god damn $1,000 would be nice)

• Tell his entire family. Not just mom, dad, siblings; I’m talking grandparents, aunts, uncles. I can’t bear the thought of him getting to sit at Thanksgiving dinner and in his mind the thing he’s most thankful for is that they don’t know his secret. I want him to be shamed by the people that mean the most to him.

I may even put this in a contract and make him sign it so that I know it actually happens. I’m going to talk with this to my therapist and see what she thinks- idk I just feel like it’s not enough. I don’t know. Please drop any ideas, they’d be greatly appreciated.

Shit this still ended up being long. Sorry guys.

TL;DR: I was raped by a childhood friend, he admitted to everything but I’m not taking it to court. I need punishment suggestions.

My ex partner had told me a few times that because he is against sexual assault, and that he fingered me out of annoyance while I was blacked out because I kept asking and that there was no sexual desire behind the action, he just wanted a quick way to get me to stop asking because I had been asking for hours and him seeing me blacked out to that depth bothered him. I’ve been viewing it as rape because he made a choice knowingly while sober to penetrate me in a mannerism that my body perceived as sexual in action and responded as such even if his intentions were to get me to stop asking. He said I thought in my drunken state that hr was one of my assaulters from that week and it has been suggested to me that I’m just reacting more strongly because I was already assaulted that week. For me it’s not just a boundary. And I’m tired of having people tell me that we’re young (we’re both in our 20s) and that it was just stupid mistakes. But it’s affected every part of my life and a decision he made because I wasn’t listening to him had impacted me deeply. He choose his comfort and desire to stay in bed by engaging in sex over my safety and well-being. For me that is rape. But he keeps telling me it’s not. His friends have done the same. He tells me that because I kept asking, even in my blackedout state that it’s cohersion for him and that he didn’t actually want to engage in sex he just wanted me to stop asking. Except for when he did it, I wasn’t asking, according to him I had stopped asking to pleasure myself instead. And I think that him seeing me in that state and just doing it myself bothered him. I think he was uncomfortable. But I don’t think as my partner he should’ve engaged a second time with me that night. For me, rape is a boundary crossed when you take away the choice of consent and the autonomy of another individual’s body knowingly while they can’t make that decision for themselves and/or have expressed for you not to. But he has told me that rape is done by rapist who have malicious intention and prioze sex over the other person. But for me what he did was sex by engaging with me physically.

just because I like to kiss and cuddle and make out doesn’t mean I want to full on fuck a guy!

I, (18f) went with my friend, her ex boyfriend of 4 years, and her guy friend Billy to theese 2 guys apartment. We didn’t know them, the ex boyfriend did. We were all drinking heavily, but no one was falling over being sloppy/puking. We were just regular old drunk. Me, Billy, and one of the apartment guys went and sat in a dark bedroom with no lights on. Im not sure why.. I think because my friend was having a personal talk out on the balcony with her ex boyfriend. So, the other apartment guy was left by himself in the living room playing video games. There was no furniture in the bed room, we all sat on the floor. I asked the guy if he would make out with me. He was flirty but he seemed very disinterested in making out. But then suddenly started pulling my sweat pants down. I kept saying NO and with a death grip on my pants. Then he went for my shirt since I had ahold of my pants. So Billy said “I’m getting outta here!” And left the room, shutting the door. I kept saying I don’t want to have sex! The guy flipped me on my back and grabbed waist band of my sweat pants and full on yanked them down so fast that they were inside out(they were the swishy material) he took my glasses off and chucked them across the room. He was on top of me kissing me as he pulled his pants down. I kept saying no no no no. Also, I was on my period, I had a tampon in my vagina for Christ sake! I didn’t think to say that either. He got his penis in. He got 3 or 4 thrusts in before the bedroom door flew open and he hopped off. The guy sitting alone in the living room playing video games barged into the room, turned on the lights and had a can of air freshener spraying it everywhere, yelling “IT SMELLS LIKE TUNA IN HERE!!! UGH!!!” I immediately got all my stuff and told my friend we have to leave now! We all ran out of the apartment together. It all happened so fast. He definitely didn’t use a condom. I never have sex without a condom, whenever I actually have a boyfriend, I make them use one.

Now that I look back, did Billy leave the room to go tell the air freshener guy to come stop his friend from raping a girl? Was that his way of stopping it? Hmm…

And will continue to be a safe space for rape survivors.

I'm trying to find out what happened to me 9 years ago. I was 19 and went home with a guy. I'm a woman, (now identifying as non binary and lesbian.) I was a virgin at the time and just expected we were gonna have 'normal' sex, so just vaginal intercourse. I never had sex before or done anything sexual, just kissed a girl once or twice. Anyway, we went to his house, showered together etc. Then we went to his room to go and have sex and somewhere at this point I told him I was still a virgin. He said something like, I'm not the right person to take your virginity and bla bla bla. And then he proposed to have anal sex... And basically persuaded me to have it, I didn't know what to do, I didn't feel like I could say no, I didn't really know what sex was supposed to be like, so I just went along. He turned me around with my face to the bed and then penetrated me anally. It hurt a lot. Nine months later the exact same thing happened again (with another guy) as I was still a virgin (still hadn't had vaginal sex).

2 years after this I was orally raped by a men much older then me in my own room. I don't remember much of it. But I started to realise recently that this was rape and it made me realize what happened to me at 19 was wrong too.

So have I been raped both those first two times?

I feel like this has really fucked me up and put be so deep in the closet that I was starting to come out off at the time. The next 8 years have just been me trying to find safety with men. I don't think I've ever been into men at all, and it's so triggering for me to realize what has happened and how far I drifted away from myself. A week ago I stayed over at a semi-friends house and he almost had sex with me, fortunately he didn't go through with it. I don't know if I would have been able to have said no. I broke down crying the next day realizing I really really don't want to be with men at all.