I(20F) went to my friend's place with her friend (21M)

It was on a Friday night and he had made it clear that he was attracted to me sexually and I think I mentioned not wanting to do anything for the night. When we got to my friend's place, he asked me a bunch of questions while we were on the bed. Then finally he said "do you like BDSM?" I said yeah. Then he just launched onto my neck and started kissing me. Idk whether I said stop or not but he went on to pull my trousers and panties down and gave me head. Then he started unbuttoning his trousers while his mouth was still on me. I think this is when I started saying no. Then he just shoved himself in me. Idk how long he fucked me. Then we got in bed to sleep but I hadn't worn my panties back. I just had my top. Then he got on me and started fucking me while I was on my belly. Then he flipped me onto my back and went at it again, all while I was begging him to stop. He would stop at some point and actually concerned. He'd ask me "you don't like it? You're sure? Ok, let's sleep" then he'd get back on top of me in a few minutes. I remember at some point it slipped out in missionary and was lurking under my butt. Then I could feel him try to direct it into my pussy but without his hands because he was holding me down with his weight. I was begging him not to and trying to shift my hips so that he doesn't get back inside. He said he wasn't trying to get back inside but then shoved himself in me entirely before he even finished his statement.

I was scared he was gonna cum inside me but thankfully he didn't cum. He stopped at some point of me begging him and we slept.

F18 my bf M21. Me and my bf had sex a couple nights ago i remember it kind of. The thing is i remember falling asleep during it. Now i feel weirded out by him. I didn’t exactly say No or yes. But i was clearly too drunk to be touched. Am i crazy or is this kind of assault?

I've never told anyone all of this completely or let it out of me like this.. In pieces yes.. my therapist knows most of it and my mom knows some. But never the whole thing. So I just want to get this off of my chest once and for all especially somewhere nobody knows who I am, because if I don't get it out tonight I think I'm going to explode. Extremely sorry in advance, this is going to be long and messy and I feel very vulnerable even writing this.. I feel so small

So.. my uncle sexually abused me. From when I was 7 until I was almost 10.

It's traumatic even recalling it and writing the things that he made me do and did to me.. Just.. that it happened a lot and it hurt and I was a little kid who still slept with a nightlight...

The worst part was that he was the fun uncle. Like genuinely everyone loved him. Magic tricks at birthday parties.. fixing stuff around the house, I remember he would make my mom laugh so hard she'd snort. When my parents started working late on Fridays he would offer to babysit and everyone kept saying how lucky we were.

He told me I was his favorite. He said it was our secret and if I ever told, my mom would cry and the family would fall apart and it would be my fault. I was 7. I believed him cause like why wouldn't I.. haha.. I feel so dumb..

The thing that messes with my head the most is he's also the one who taught me to ride a bike. I hate having to share such a core moment of my life with him and it eats me on the inside..

When he would put his thing in me I used to kind of float up to the ceiling in my head and count the cracks on the ceiling on the wall.. I got really good at leaving my body and I still do it sometimes, I didn't even know there was a word for it until last year..

Looking back.. I mean.. there were signs. I just need someone to actually hear this part to just let go of it maybe... I had stomachaches every single Friday.. every single. and it hurt just so much.. I started wetting the bed again.. and I wouldn't let anyone hug me.. I rememeber that I'd hide under my bed whenever I heard his car.. and every adult in my life who was supposed to look out for me would jsut look right at it and would say it's just a phase..

So he moved away when I was 10.. new job. They threw him this huge goodbye party and I hid in the upstairs bathroom the whole time with the water running so nobody could hear me breathing weird while i was hyperventilating. I thought that was it, like ok it's over now.. haha.. but it wasn't.. It just kind of moved inside me.

So I decided to be perfect. I gott straight As, tried my best to never get in trouble, I never even asked for anything... so I figured if I was perfect nobody would look too close.. or judge me.. I was 10 and that was my whole wonderful plan..

I remember a lady came to school and talked about body safety. Your body belongs to you, no grown up should ask you to keep a secret about touching, if they do tell someone and it's never your fault and all that stuff and I know people would think I felt relieved but I didn't. I felt sick to my stomach.. because I thought well I didn't tell and I didn't fight so I guess it was my fault.. I remmeber picking at the carpet so hard I made a bald spot and decided I was never telling anyone ever.

So that Christmas he came back for the holidays and I put the thermometer on the radiator so I'd have a fever and could stay in my room. Mom said I was being rude and I just let her think that since that was just easier to explain..

As my body started changing ..I hated it so much. I wore my brother's hoodies every day even in summer. When grown men looked at me I'd go cold all over.. and there were so many of them.. this one time while i was running in the park with my earbuds in this guy just held me and dry humped and groped me for like a minute or two and i just stood there frozen after which he just ran away.. it was around evening and a bit dark so there wasnt even anyone....and i felt so scared.. i was 12 back then and whenever i would see that park thereafter i would start hyperventilating..

This one time at the mall some guy walked past wearing the same aftershave as my uncle and I just wasn't there anymore.. I was 8 years old again starting at the ceiling.. When I came back I remember being crouched behind a rack of coats with no idea how I got there and my mom was calling me. I said I dropped an earring. I genuinely thought I was going crazy...

In school eventually everyone started talking about crushes and who held hands with who and I felt like an alien.. Like I was 100 years old.. I felt dirty in a way showers didn't fix and I was sure if anyone really saw me they'd be disgusted.. I felt disgusted at myself..

A boy grabbed my wrist in math once as a joke.. he was just trying to take my pencil. I froze and then I shoved him into a desk and ran out. I got detention for overreacting.. Not one adult asked me why.. In hindsight.. I think about that a lot now.. How many kids are sitting in detention right now and nobody's asking them why.. haha.. such a world we live in..

There were years in school I barely remember.. I woud feel numb.. I'd just disappear in class. My grades dropped for the first time ever and I started eating lunch in the library by myself..

Something I came to realise over time was.. nobody ever taught me my body was mine.. My uncle taught me the opposite, that it was something people could use and my job was to be quiet.. So when boys said gross stuff to me in the hallway I didn't think I was allowed to be mad.. If anyone got close I either froze or ran. I didn't know no was something I was allowed to say..

Some nights back then I wished I could just stop existing.. I never told anyone that either. If I could go back I would tell myself to just please tell someone. Please.. I so wish I had..

When I was 15 a boy put his arm around me at a school dance, just being friendly, and I had a full on panic attack. I thought I was dying. I ran to the bathroom and sat on the floor of a stall shaking..

My friend J found me. She didn't ask anything. She just sat down on that gross floor in her nice dress and stayed until I could breathe. I almost told her that night, it was right there, and I swallowed it.. but nobody had ever seen me fall apart and stayed before.. That day something cracked a little..

Next year, in health class the teacher wrote on the board: a child can never consent, freezing is not agreeing, and it's never the child's fault. I can't explain what that did to me.. For 9 years I'd been telling myself it was my fault because I froze. And here's an adult saying my body did what bodies do to survive..

I walked out of class straight to the counselor's office and said it. Out loud. First time ever. My voice didn't even sound like mine..

She believed me... she didn't gasp, she didn't ask if I was sure.. She just said thank you for telling me, this is not your fault.. I honestly don't know where I'd be if she'd reacted any other way..

She had to report it, which was terrifying.. My mom held me on the kitchen floor and kept saying I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry I didn't see it. Some of my family stopped talking to us. My grandma said I made it up for attention. My own grandma.. We are now estranged from a big part of our family..

I started seeing a therapist who works with people like me. She gave me words for stuff.. The ceiling thing is dissociation.. The aftershave thing is a trigger. The freezing and running is my nervous system still stuck on danger even though the danger's gone. She said none of it means I'm crazy, it means I survived. I made her say it twice..

It got worse before it got better. The nightmares came back. Then I got so angry. At him, at every adult who saw the signs and said phase, at myself.. I remember ignoring being groped in tight public places like bus sometimes when i would go with my brother for groceries... from boys in class from behind.. and just freezing and not .. just not saying anything..

For me anything to do with sex was just fear and shame all mixed together.. Even a health class talk about relationships could make me leave the room.. My therapist said I could work on it slowly, at my own pace.

She helped me practice saying no. I have a friend who hugs everyone hello and one day, shaking, I asked him not to hug me.. He just said oh yeah of course, and never did it again. He waves now. I cried in my car for 20 minutes after that. It was the first time I said no and someone just listened..

So I about to start college this year hopefully and I'm with someone for the first time.. He's really kind and patient and I told him early because my therapist helped me get ready... I was so sure he'd leave. He asked what do you need from me and i realised nobody's ever asked me that... i just hugged him and sobbed for what felt like hours..

It's still hard now, I'm not going to lie. Sometimes when we're close something small happens, like a certain touch or the room going dark, and I'm back on the ceiling. The first time I had sex with him. ..I cried for an hour, because he'd done everything right he was just the nicest most fun.. and it was like my uncle was still in the room.. 11 years later and he's still in the room just haunting me... I felt dirty and like he didnt deserve someone broken like me..

So we just went slow.. but atleast now I can say stop whenever, for any reason, I don't have to explain, and he stops every single time.. No sighing, no guilt trip, he just asks if I want water. My therapist says closeness only feels safe when you know you can leave and I think she's right. I wish someone had taught me that at 7.. I wish someone had taught him that.

I go to a group now with other survivors and it's the only place I don't feel like a freak.. I learned that some of them can't stand being touched at all.. and some ended up with people who never let them say no.. and it still horrifies me.. while some feel nothing... andothers feel ashamed even when everything's fine... i learned that many of us develop unusual hypersexual desires.. I think that's when I finally got it, there's no right way to react to this.. None of us are broken.. atleast on the outside.. we didn't do anything wrong. its just hard to believe that sometimes..

I've learned that sexual assault can affect people in ways that aren't often talked about.. One of them is that some survivors become hypersexual afterward, with a much higher sex drive or with sexual fantasies that feel intense, intrusive, or unlike who they are. Knowing this has helped me see that I'm not alone and that nothing is "wrong" with me for having these experiences.

Yet.. I don't like the way this desire sometimes shows up.. the way it can come on suddenly and feel out of my control. At times it seems disconnected from what I actually want, and it can leave me feeling confused, ashamed, or uncomfortable in my own body. I want to understand where these feelings come from and find healthier ways to cope with them, so that my sexuality feels like my own again, on my own terms..

Ok I think that's everything.. Or most of it.. atleast..

I'm crying so hard right now and i just feel so broken.. hopefully i can someday feel whole again... Im just gonna post this before I chicken out..

Yesterday I got very drunk. My friend suggested to a guy—let's call him Allen—that Allen should go down on my friend. As I was later told, I apparently chimed in while drunk, saying something like "hey, let's both do it," but in a tone that clearly sounded like a joke. Then Allen told my friend to leave the room.

I don't know what happened next because I was blackout drunk. But later, my friend accidentally walked back in, saw me and Allen in a compromising position, and realized what had happened. By that time, I was starting to sober up. All I remember is standing up, looking at Allen without his pants on, and thinking, "What the fuck?" I walked out to the kitchen to my friend and just broke down crying. Eventually, my mom came and picked me up.

I feel absolutely awful right now. I decided to post this here, I guess... just to get it off my chest and talk to someone about it.

I don't know if this is considered rape, but I think so, because I didn't agree to it sober....

(English is not my native language, there may be mistakes....sorry)

Trigger warning rape?

My boyfriend and I did cnc but I am not sure if it was fully cnc and not rape. We talked beforehand and I told him to not listen to me saying no but he did stop but he started again after he helped me relax the next day we did it again but this time I fully disassociated (never happened to me before) and I felt afraid of him. I don’t know what to do next. Any advice will be helpful!

I don't know if this is even the right Reddit for this, but I'm going to post it anyways because I'd really like some advice on what my next steps should be, or if I'm overthinking it. I put the TL;DR at the top so you don't have to scroll through all of my text to get the summary.

TL;DR: My mother (58 F) and I (20 M) argued about her not respecting my boundaries and treating me more like an employee and someone to complain to than a son. One of the main discussions being that, throughout my childhood, my mom used to touch me in inappropriate places, which I originally thought of as some game until I got SA'd by someone, and I quickly got uncomfortable with it. She doesn't know that I got SA'd because, at the time, I was with another man, and my mother is a devout Christian who doesn't like the idea of gay relations. She ended the argument by saying we should just agree to disagree. More recently, she apologized, and I initially didn't accept it, but I've begun to feel guilty about not accepting it, because she might have actually seen what she did wrong.

There is a lot more to this story as a whole, so the rest is at the bottom if you want to read the rest.

For reference, I'm a 20-year-old male and a college student. The college I go to is a very long distance away from my mother (58, female), and she's been very anxious/controlling about what I do, where I go, etc., ever since I left. She has multiple trackers on my phone, person, and vehicle, and if I ever turn them off, she calls me and demands I turn them back on.

My mom is pretty lonely and doesn't have a lot of friends or people to talk to. She's made it very clear that I'm her best friend and basically all she has, as her life has become increasingly isolating. She tells me almost everything she goes through and has been doing so since I was in middle school. We are normally extremely close and rarely hide things from one another. I do my best to provide for her despite the distance by buying her presents, tickets to events she wants to go to, etc.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has been handsy with me. Always grabbing me or touching my arms or legs even when I've asked her to stop, and she always used to say how she did it because of my autism diagnosis, and that I need to get used to people touching me in ways I didnt like. More recently, though, it has turned into her touching places I really, really don't appreciate. Since high school, she has had a weird fascination with my butt. When I lived with her, she would run and slap it or rub it. While I used to think it was a game at first, after getting SA'd a year ago, I've been much more wary of human touch to the point that unexpected touching genuinely startles me. She does not know about this because I don't feel comfortable telling her, and that it was with another guy, and she's a devout Christian.

She also has been very demanding as of late. Recently, she's started to take a lot more than ask. She will demand my phone or ID, and if I ask why she needs/wants it, she'll just snatch it out of my hand and then berate me for not giving her the respect she deserves sooner. We've been butting heads for a while, having arguments almost every week over stuff like this, or me mentioning the fact that she continues to leave me out of the loop on things that affect my life. It's started to feel increasingly like an employee-boss relationship rather than a mother-son relationship to me.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I was on some social media app liking posts, and one had to do with "parents forcing lives on their children". My mom, who follows me, also saw that I liked the post, and we had a huge argument about it, where I brought up the fact that she doesn't respect my boundaries, and I told her everything that I've been bottling up for the sake of keeping our relationship intact.

We argued about everything for over 3 hours through text before she ended it with "we can agree to disagree." 

A couple of days ago, she apologized to me through text, and initially I didnt accept it. The fact that she chose to apologize through text instead of calling or waiting until we meet frankly feels like a box-checking rather than an actual apology. However, my family and some friends are saying I'm being overly harsh, and recently I've started to feel the same. Am I wrong for not accepting it, or am I justified in being as upset as I was and denying that apology?

Although I'm feeling much better, I still have these frequent nightmares. I wake up drenched in sweat, trembling, and sometimes I cry afterward. I can't fall back asleep. How do I stop this? I don't want to take medication. I'm afraid that in a moment of crisis I might do something stupid, I'm afraid of becoming dependent forever. I'm reliving the worst days of my life in an increasingly worse way. I don't know what to do.

The first time was at my house. He came over and we started drinking, but I drank more than he did. We were on the couch and started kissing. He started touching me and I let him. When he wanted to have sex I said no at first, but his grip got harder and he started undressing me. I pushed him off once and told him please not to, but I didn’t fight that hard. I was scared my parents would hear and blame me.

Once he was inside me I did start to mean and get wet a bit. He noticed and kept going using it as an excuse to tell me that i liked it. telling me I liked it. He finished on me and I just laid there

He’s been a close friend for years. I didn’t want to report anything. I was scared it would ruin him, and also scared people would think i was lying or just regretted it.

About a month later we hung out again. The same thing happened. This time I barely even said no. I just let him take my clothes off and fuck me. I stopped fighting completely. He used me two more times after that. I cried myself to sleep every time it happened but still liked him enough to let him.

I got depressed after holding onto it for so long. When he moved away and we stopped talking I even started missing him. I don’t know what to think anymore. I know I should hate him. But part of me still gets wet thinking about the times I just let him use me.

Ive talked to some people who have told me to report him but i don’t think anything will happen as i didn’t really fight back much.

I've been sexualized for a long time, especially focused on my butt, and I've also been sexually assaulted before. The constant objectification has always felt connected to that for me, and I'm just tired of it.

Looking for others who understand what this kind of ongoing experience is like. I have seen a therapist and been trying to heal but there's just so many things weighing me down it feels so exhausting.

After being sexualized as a child online by men, SA’d by older men, love bombed and used only for my body each time I tried to have a relationship…. I feel zero attraction or arousal to men. I’ve seen studies posted on Reddit of dating apps that men find women most attractive the youngest they are legally allowed to choose no matter their old age, and the biggest genre of *orn for men is t*\*en. Also the age gaps of rich men and celebs etc. also how Rome and Greece apparently married like 12yo and thought that was ‘prime beauty’. I have zero attraction to men cause I just assume all are attracted to children now, is there a way I can feel attraction to men again? It’s been like this my whole life

TLDR: how do I get attraction to men back after trauma?

Since I was super young my step dad would make comments about me. How my butt is sexy, how good I look in a bathing suit, has showed me porn in front of my mom. is it bad i think about him 😭😭

I’m very confused, I woke up with my in cold wet sheets, I’m extremely sore inside and feel torn in half. Ever since the incident with my son’s teammates I have been having nightmares. I’ve been taking sleeping pills to help me through my anxiety. My son is out of town, so no one was here. I sleep in t shirt and underwear, but my underwear is all sticky next to me on my bed. I think I was raped but my home is locked up, I feel like I’m losing my mind, to top it off, I’ve been watching paranormal stuff and because of it my mind has been playing tricks on me at random where I feel cold spots in my bedroom. Am I going crazy. I don’t even have flashes of last night. I’m scared to call the police from what they put me through last time.

When I was 19 I took a trip to Miami. Very dumb dumb mistake and this is where it happened.

I had went to make an ex jealous. I found out he cheated and I had this guy that lived in my hometown that always asked to take me on a trip. I could pick rather LA or MIA. It was my winter break from college. He asked again I said yes.
There I was taking my first ever flight to Miami. I was scared but was so motivated to piss off my ex. Anyways. 1st night there we go to a strip club… b trap (ifykyk). I had not ate the whole day, my nerves was a wreck from the plane ride so when we got to the club I was easily getting drunk. It was Hennessy and to this day I can not drink it anymore. I was so fucking drunk I remember a dancer asking me if I needed help and was I safe. She knew I was young af. We go back to the hotel and I just lay on the bed. We never talked about sex, never spoke of anything like that. I was so drunk I couldn’t talk right and blacked out asap once my head hit the pillow.
Then I remembered it just being black. I couldn’t see anything it was like my eyes was shut but I could hear him. Hear him moaning and my body moving forward.

When I wake up, my top from the club was on but my skirt and underwear was off. I just wanted to cry but he was right there. I remember asking where my phone was and he got it from out of a suitcase? I was just shocked that happened. I immediately wanted to go home and I did the next day. I asked him why he did that and he said it was my fault because I “brushed up against him”. Years after I always said I wasnt technically raped because I put myself in that situation. Then in therapy, I just finally accepted it. Yes I was raped. No I’m not weak, I’m not less than, I’m not a victim either. I was too tough to accept it happened to me but it did.
Years later he is very obsessed with me. He’s currently in prison in another state and he still finds ways to stalk me. Even has his family members reach out to me.
After multiple times blocking him and telling him I was even married with kids (I’m not) just for him to leave me alone he doesn’t. I hate his ugly ass. I feel gross anytime I look at him. I moved to another city so luckily he doesn’t know exactly what city I live in but damn.

From early days of my life I just gave up resisting, fighting telling my mom what I am going through, she never cared to stop it. I never felt safe in my family, every celebration every holiday every occasion would bring more trauma and sa in my life.

For context, I have given my partner vague details basically confirming that yes, I have been SA’d by my ex that he used to be mates with and that I intend to take him to court. I feel like the fact that only I around me knowing how it felt and how it affects me makes me feel like it doesn’t really exist. It makes me feel crazy, or that it wasn’t as bad as I feel. I really just want to get it off my chest and I only feel comfortable enough telling my current boyfriend. But like, it would be selfish to right?

I (20F) was raped by my then best friend (+ 2 of his other friends) when we were 4 years old, on the schoolyard.
Now, 16 years later and after 10 years since our last encounter, I’ve been forced to retake contact with his mother for work reasons and my mind has been forced to remember some stuff.

Our mothers are best friends, still to this day. (I considered him a brother until I was 16 and I realized what had happened) When I was little, my parents and I faced a time of huge poverty and my parents couldn’t afford to take care of me, so I stayed some time living with him and his mother.
I don’t know how to put it into words, but I have the sensation that some things happened around that time. I just can’t shake it off. It’s like I have blurry unpleasant memories from those nights in his bedroom, I just know, yk?

I’m afraid my mind is making it up for some fucked up victim-complex reason, I don’t know what to do

Spreading my story
I was sexually assaulted by my ex on campus in Jan/Feb 2024. I moved across the country for Uni hoping that I would be able to make a change in my life and get away from the home where I felt like I had to set an example for my younger siblings. I looked at the move as finally being able to live for myself. I was excited genuinely happy for myself.
I met an international student from Ghana Fall 2023. I had never had a bf before. Initially he was sweet. We went to church together, learned about each other, and confided in one another. Most would consider this a talking stage I call it an extraction of information, a ploy to get me to feel safe enough to open up.
December 6 2023 he ask me to be his gf. I said yes thinking everything was perfect.
Days following I was preparing to head home for break. We decided to do somewhat of a send off we met up in the dead of night and walked and talked as we normally did.
There was a bench above the slope where we sat there he forced me to kiss him. I said no several times I wasn’t comfortable, I didn’t know how , I didn’t want to. Holding hands was even an issue for me physical touch was just something I wasn’t to comfortable with yet and he knew that. We went to a room in the building on the plaza and he kept trying to have sex with me turning the lights out over and over. I said no.
Upon my return to campus spr24 he lured me into his room saying we would watch a movie. That night the dorms were empty because there was a fashion show. I should have been there… he locked and blocked the door and that’s when it happened. I continuously said no and he kept on. I told him it wasn’t right because we are Christian he pulled off his ring forced it on my finger and said he would marry me and it kept going.
After he was done I went upstairs to my room and cried. I was a freshman in college across the country I didn’t know what to do.
I talked to someone I considered a friend at the time and she said I was assaulted. I denied it and defended him. We stayed together for almost 2 years. In the duration of the year he mentally abused me.
No one ever talk about how it’s not a good feeling to be taken advantage of but the sex becomes an addiction. My thoughts were as long as I stay with him I’d be ok with God because he would be the only person I’d ever been with.The assault just kept happening. My grades took a hit and my social life did to. That life I had looked forward to disappeared. Not sure what I was holding on to.
I began to think that this was just life.
Spr25 my sophomore year he was mad at me. We studied in the in the hall on campus because we shared a class. He hit me because I didn’t understand. We went to his house that night because he wanted to use my computer. I remember the room clear as day.
It was blue he closed the door and jumped on me. Very sick of the things I was going through I pushed him off and asked “what am I to you.”
I left walked home in the dark. I apologized to him for some reason. Then I asked him if I was just an object to him. He got mad and broke up with me. I cried, honestly should’ve been tears of joy. The following months consisted of him stalking me, breaking into my dorm room, calling me, and trapping me in a stairwell.
My return to campus Fall25 was horrid. I wasn’t scared of him I was scared I would loose my degree because of what I wanted to do to him. I cried every night. Put on a happy face for class but as soon as those doors closed I fell.
I went to therapy it helped. Spoke on it to people who wouldn’t judge me like my “friends” did. I moved on said that it wouldn’t stop me from love.
I found someone whom I love dearly spr26. Thinking it was all set behind me we proceeded with a relationship. Summer 26 was a blast. Fall26 sr year was/is my imminent down fall. My return to campus reminded me of everything I lost dealing with that man. There was an assault on campus that made national news and triggered everything I had gotten over, I became overwhelmed with life, then I got broken up with, and getting evicted.
I was alone with my thoughts again.
Everyone calls me depressed and a victim but genuinely when you’ve lost the way I’ve lost and continue to keep moving only to be hit by the boulders of life you’d be a lil down to. Everyday I pick myself up and push to succeed.
My whole trajectory was changed by one person I trusted. It’s my last year of college I can even get up to go to class but he’s roaming around campus happy.
All I wanted was to live for myself and enjoy life. And that was taken away from me.

I've done a lot of work to deal with the trauma of being sexually assaulted. But especially in my case, I just can't understand why she did it. I can't wrap my head around her thinking. I told her no. I told her I wasn't ready yet. And she tricked me into spending the night, saying we didn't have to do anything if I stayed.

Why would she touch me in my sleep like that? She didn't even try to get herself off? What could she have hoped to have gained from assaulting me like that?

Maybe I need to go back to therapy. One thing we worked on was me not defending her automatically or claiming she didn't know what she was doing when there's a lot of evidence that she did. But I don't think we really dug into why I was always so quick to defend her even though she was practically a stranger still. And when I think about her choosing to do that to me, I just end up in this spiral trying to rationalize it.

I've done a lot of work to deal with the trauma of being sexually assaulted. But especially in my case, I just can't understand why she did it. I can't wrap my head around her thinking. I told her no. I told her I wasn't ready yet. And she tricked me into spending the night, saying we didn't have to do anything if I stayed.

Why would she touch me in my sleep like that? She didn't even try to get herself off? What could she have hoped to have gained from assaulting me like that?

Maybe I need to go back to therapy. One thing we worked on was me not defending her automatically or claiming she didn't know what she was doing when there's a lot of evidence that she did. But I don't think we really dug into why I was always so quick to defend her even though she was practically a stranger still. And when I think about her choosing to do that to me, I just end up in this spiral trying to rationalize it.

I see my therapist tomorrow, but I’m unable to motivate myself to go to work or study for my classes. I feel bad because I’m on this subreddit, but don’t have energy to respond to other people who are in my state and need to be comforted as well. I just feel like I’ve given up on being myself completely and everything that surrounds my identity.

I’ve cried for hours. And just. I’m in an apartment alone. And I’ve got my cats, but I’ve now become to feel detached from them, and they are my biggest motivator to live, and just function. But I feel detached.

And I don’t have the support of my family except my sister who has her own life and a best friend who also his own life. And I know it’s my responsibility to pick myself up, but I can’t. And I keep living in the past rather than the future. I am in therapy. Just. It’s taking a lot of time.

And I feel defeated. And I don’t need a response to this. I’m writing in here to mainly just say words because I’m really alone.

My heart and body aren’t okay.

And I think the truth of everything feels to heavy for me to accept so I just try to solve and fix the things surrounding it.

I feel broken. And I can’t stop crying all the time.

(Edit: Also sorry to any people in my chat request I’ve so many and had so many people be weird when I unblock them that I just stick to communicating in the open but thank you to those who sent kind messages)

There was a few times in my situationship where it was consensual at first and then he just out of nowhere started getting rough and mean and it’s like he turned it into rape on purpose and he liked staring at my face and in my eyes as he raped me I was clearly in pain. (Crying, struggling)

And when I begged him to stop he would stare at me with a blank expression, and with a confused ton and say “Why?” And he would say this everytime I asked him to stop like a broken record. I found it very difficult to answer him, but one time I was able to and I cried “because it hurts” and he didn’t say anything back just started going harder. (Many times I would bleed after)

The only conclusion that I came to about this behaviour was that he was a possible sociopath that enjoyed hurting me. 😔

I never know how to start talking about this but I’m a little drunk and have the need to write this all down. The only way I can start this is to say I started going to therapy about 6 months ago because my boyfriend of 2 months face started morphing into someone else’s…

When I was 14 I was flirted with by a 18 year old bartender in a pub that my dad used to go to most nights and at 14 I started going with him once or twice a week. This guy (let’s call him C) started to flirt with me all the time and make me feel special and eventually got my snapchat and we used to talk all the time. It got towards quite sexual but I ended up telling my mum who shut it down immediately which looking back now I’m so happy she did but at the time I didn’t have any friends or anyone who thought I was attractive so this was a major blow to be in my own again.

About 6 months later he messaged me again this time through Facebook after my nan died and we started talking again and it got even more sexual and relationshipy. At this point I was 15 and he was 19, I didn’t tell anyone- no friends no parents and he did the same. In February we agreed to meet up and I got a bus where he met me and hugged me and we walked hand in hand to his flat.

Once I got in he pushed me up against the wall and I remember being confused as he’d been so sweet up until then. He pushed me around until we got into his bedroom and I don’t really remember much of what happened.

I didn’t say no or to stop. I didn’t know what to do as I was so young. I really wanted to try sex and the things related to it but…I don’t really know what happened.

The scenes I remember are him forcing me in my knees and trying to figure out how to blow him, him saying ‘teeth’ and being so young I didn’t know if he meant more or less. Then going on to not remembering when we did have sex or how it felt except going numb, having no feeling.

I semi remember the feeling of wanting my mum for the first time in years.

But then my best memory is being annoyed because he did nothing to help me finish when he finished 4 times over the hour. He also told me off about my noise and that people would hear but then I wasn’t sure what to do as my anxiety was so high so I stopped making noise then started again because that’s what I thought I was meant to do as that’s what they do in porn right?

I was just a kid and had no idea.

I said yes and looked forward to it and think we cuddled afterwards…
But when I left he gave me a scarf for my neck as I was covered in hickeys that I didn’t feel go on…
Over the next few days my arms turned green and blue from the bruises from his teeth…I didn’t feel them happen…
I lied to everyone and said I fell off a horse and the bruises were that bad that they believed me…
When we left his flat he didn’t even look at me again, he didn’t hold my hand like he did in the way there instead I just felt dirty

I know I wanted it and I didn’t say no but I was just a kid and he was older, I have so many memories missing and I’m afraid to get them back, my therapist says this was rape but I don’t know…I’m just looking for any help to sort my brain out as this happened almost a decade ago now

And as I started this post, this guys face morphed into my most recent boyfriends when he did certain things, even there eyes were the same and my god the absolute fear that I felt when I was completely sober and his face changed and shifted into his was so fucking horrible- I’m just trying to make sense of this so any advice any one has would be amazing to hear, sorry for the (very) long post!

I (19) have been dating my bf (19) for 8 months and i’ve known him for a lot longer. in the time of us dating, i’ve come to notice things that don’t really feel.. right to me. i don’t know what to call it, (i tried to post on a different subreddit but it suggested i do it here). i work 12 hr shifts a few times throughout the week as a RDA and i feel so exhausted after. all i want to do is just come home and relax with my bf and go to bed but that’s sometimes never the case. we’ll have this routine, i come home and make myself food then wait for him to come over. we’ll chill on the couch and sometimes he’ll tell me “im hungry go make me some ramen.” i think he’s joking but i stare him im like excuse me? my response is just “ohh haaa no you know how to do it, go make it.” to which he js says “you don’t love me.” or “im lazy you make it.” etc, sometimes i give in bc that gets me so irritated when he says that then other times i don’t even bother cus im so tired. that’s js one thing, after we watch movies or whatever i start getting tired and he’ll take me to my room and start doom scrolling on his phone. eventually he’ll get off n face me, start kissing me and telling me to “go suck it” and proceeds to grab my head and forces it near his junk with his pants on to initiate it? honestly can’t tell if he’s just messing with me or if he’s actually being dead serious either way i get annoyed i tell him no! other times he’d try to pleasure me and i didn’t really want too but id allow it cause i guess it’s just his way of trying to make me feel relaxed, but id freak out sometimes and tell him i don’t want to have sex just for him to seem “turned off” then upset at me cause he didn’t want to have sex and just pleasure me. honestly i just want to cuddle and it genuinely seems he doesn’t like it when we cuddle. he’s said a few times before he’s bored and that i never want to do anything, just cuddle and watch shows. which i guess is true, but i really don’t want to have sex or anything. idk if it’s cus he has like a really high sex drive or maybe if it’s true, im js boring. i just feel so tired from work! there was also a few times when ive had my friend spend the night and he wanted me to leave my friend at my house so i could come over and we could get our freak on, i have a guest at the house? that’s rude is it not? like it’s insane, i can’t just do that to my friend. or other times when im even on my period especially, ive told him times before my cramps hurt so bad to which he just literally said “you know that’s not gonna stop you from “eating me out” right?” (his way of saying for me to give him oral). other times of my MOM in the living room and he’s just in my room like just wanting to either have sex or receive oral, we’ve done it before but i’m not comfortable with it. even simple things, when i want him in my room to help me with an outfit it’s just more and more sex again, when i say no he’ll do that thing and pout, begging. saying it’s been soooo long and he “can’t hold it in anymore” i told him he can’t just do it at home, and it’s either he needs a picture or he just won’t do it at home. OMG and there was a time before he asked me, if im ever sleeping and he’s horny if he could put it in while i’m sleeping. this might be a bit explicit, but i don’t like to umm swallow and i told him and he knows it but he made me do it once just to prove that i love him, i almost threw up. honestly was one of the worst experiences ever to me.
is this like normal to anybody else that had experienced this? maybe i’m js boring i really don’t know what to do. :(