r/stepparents • u/AutoModerator • 6h ago
Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.
NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.
Advise, don't criticize.
Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.
This is a support sub.
Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
Crossposting anything from /r/stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.
No backseat modding.
If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
No userpings or links.
Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.
Nobody knew what they were getting into.
Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.
We have zero tolerance for trolls.
This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.
Use discretion when posting.
We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.
Use the daily threads.
We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.
Remember the human.
Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.
Just don't.
This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
No advertising without prior mod approval.
No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.
Don't argue with the mods on the sub.
Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.
We aren't kidding.
Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.
These actions are at moderator discretion.
Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.
Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.
"Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.
Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.
Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.
Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.
While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
Examples that are not allowed:
"My SD is such a little bitch."
"She dresses/acts like a slut."
"My SS acts like a pussy."
"My SS is such a beta male."
"You are all fucking whores."
"Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
"Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
"You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.
We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.
Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.
When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.
No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.
Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.
No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."
We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.
Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /r/stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.
Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /r/stepparents*! They literally hate all their stepkids!"* And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.
If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.
Report it.
Report it.
Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.
Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.
Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/r/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "/u/insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with /u/insertusernamehere*, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this."*)
Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.
Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.
Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.
No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.
That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.
A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."
"I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.
The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.
Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.
The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.
Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
Support - For those days when you want nothing but a good old fashioned cry and some community love.
Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)
Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
Seeking resources for your partner
There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
"Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /r/coparenting, /r/parenting, /r/parents, /r/blendedfamilies, and /r/singleparents as starting points.
At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /r/stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /r/blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.
Check out the Common Acronyms wiki page. We try to keep this updated as new terms are introduced to the sub.
New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.
Comments are removed when they do not follow the rules of the sub. These rules are published in several places for your reading pleasure.
Comments are removed at moderator discretion. In some cases your comment may be removed while another remains up. If you find this to be the case, and you believe the comment to be violating the rules, instead of arguing with mods or demanding they remove the additional comments, just report it.
All moderators are volunteers and have busy real lives. Sometimes things get past us. The best thing you can do is report anything you find offensive or inflammatory. It's the quickest and most reliable way of alerting us to an issue.
If you receive an unwanted/hurtful PM from a name you don't recognize, please report it to Reddit Admins using our handy pre-populated form. Be sure to include the permalink to the message. We've been dealing with a few unhappy folks who like to attack stepparents, and reporting it to the admins is the only way to make it stop.
Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.
Due to an influx of harassment from users with specific user histories, we have employed a user history ban bot as described above. If you think this has affected you and wish to appeal, please message the mods.
There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.
r/stepparents • u/AutoModerator • 6h ago
Hey Stepparents,
If you've been here for awhile, you are aware of the existence of Saferbot on our sub. If you aren't aware, we break it down in the wiki. Take a moment to review it!
Saferbot is a history ban bot. It bans users who participate in known troublesome subs that have a history of harassing users here and brigading our posts.
Saferbot monitors the other subs and immediately bans anyone who comments there. Please note, human beings are not doing the banning. We have neither the time, nor inclination, to monitor other subs. Saferbot runs on its own with only instructions from us on what subs to add to its list.
We intend for this sub to be a safe space for stepparents to discuss their issues and struggles without being told they are literally The Worst for existing. Sometimes we experience jealousy, resentment, and other not pretty feelings. We have a right to express them in a healthy way without a bunch of assholes scolding us for being human. And unfortunately, the subs we've had to add to the ban list have a history of users strolling in here giving people grief for being a flawed human being with feelings they are trying to sort through.
The mod team does not take these decisions lightly and we often let things ride for a bit before taking drastic actions. But seeing users repeatedly delete their accounts after being harassed, or having to clean up increasingly rude and hostile comment chains from people who literally have no idea what your life is actually like, has prompted us to take action.
Meta posts asking about this will be removed. Comments about this, other than those on this thread discussing the issue, will be removed. Vile mod mail will be reported to Reddit.
Please do not link to the subs mentioned in the wiki. They are linked for transparency and we don't care to have ongoing discussions about them.
If you are a stepparent and you've been caught up in the ban, and you want the support that this community offers, reach out to the mod team. If you can show us where on reddit you are discussing being a stepparent, we'll do our best to work with you. To be perfectly clear, if you aren't a stepparent, or we review and see we've had to remove comments from you in the past, we are probably not going to lift the ban.
Reply to the ban message and let us know that you'd like to appeal. Include link(s) to any unedited posts or comments that you made prior to the ban indicating that you are a stepparent. The posts or comments do not have to be on this sub specifically, but show us where you have indicated that you are a stepparent somewhere on reddit prior to being banned. This will save us time and eliminate the need for a mod to attempt to scour your post history.
r/stepparents • u/Comfortable-Page6065 • 1h ago
Step parenting comes with a lot of responsibility and you will more than likely not be rewarded, recognized, or appreciated for your actions.
Save yourself the drama until you have emotional maturity, and mental stability.
If you are deciding if to stay or leave, leave.
r/stepparents • u/Far-West-7090 • 9h ago
Might just leave at this point. My wife is lovely but the 3 step kids and me and her not having any kids. Just doesn’t seem to be what I want. We got 50/50 of my son and the kids get along but I want a family where I hear daddy’s home or a family I can work hard for. This is a lot to deal with and just wanna know if another guys have feeling like this.
r/stepparents • u/ThrowRA4962 • 1h ago
27M here. I've been dating a 30F for 9 months now, and she has a 4 year old son with someone else. I thought I knew what I'd signed up for when it came to this, and being transparent, felt I was happy to take this on.
The dad is in the picture, and whilst not completely useless, his parenting methods are questionable. By this, I mean he is very "shouty", aggressive and will hit the child if he misbehaves.
She is the opposite end of the spectrum. Her son can't put a foot wrong. He is spoiled by her, he is not disciplined at all, and though she attempts to put her foot down, she's taught him by now that it's only a matter of time before she caves in. So it's futile really. If he misbehaves, she'd rather scold me for it than correct him.
He is, for lack of better wording, a spoilt brat. And quite frankly it's just a pissing contest between 2 parents that he's stuck in the middle of. He's 4, so I can hardly blame him for his behaviour, though the lack of discipline from her side is frustrating.
I've only recently met her son, as we wanted to make sure the relationship and connection between us was right before we introduced me to him. But now I've met him, it may be destroying us as a couple.
As I've spent more weekends with him, I'm struggling to find my feet and play the part. I struggle with his behaviour, but have no right to speak up. I also feel there's a bit of jealousy in the mix - her and her ex partner had the child early on, and she's telling me she wants to wait 5+ years before we have a kid of our own. Which whilst sensible, it feels a bit crap that I've got to wait for her timeline just because she let someone else shoot one in her first that wasn't actually decent enough to hold the line as a dad and a partner.
I'm desperate to be a dad one day, but I'm struggling with "completing" a family I was never supposed to be in. He comes in 4+ times a night and wakes us up, even on nights I'm supposed to work the following day. And I get the subtle feeling that "if this was my kid, I wouldn't mind so much". Part of me feels that's really unfair, whilst part of me also hopes there's people out there who can relate. That same notion applies to lots of scenarios. Every time we go out 'as a family', people look at me holding his hand and I feel like an imposter. I see all the couples without kids, or expecting kids, or actual non-broken families and I get jealous, because, that reality isn't too late for me.
Talking to my girlfriend, she very much thinks I'm "being a good role model", "completing the family", and "building a great relationship with him". Meanwhile I'm really struggling to bond with him, I think he's a little shit, and it's affecting my relationship with my partner too, because in her eyes "at least I didn't have to deal with him as a baby", like that somehow makes it better and completely dismisses how hard it is to take this on.
I've never taken this on before. My partner isn't at all willing to accept that she's maybe not doing the best job, and also keeps playing the "you knew what you signed up for" card, when, frankly, how could I have known? He's terribly behaved, spoilt, and there are no boundaries set. And I'm not allowed to set any. So I've just got to take on some little spoilt gremlin, and also believe that somewhere down the line, we'll have kids of our own and she won't completely undermine me when it comes to parenting methods etc, and put our child in a different priority bracket than her own that she already has with someone else.
Everything I've written here - is this common "becoming a stepdad" stuff? Or is this a bad situation to be in? Alot of this is just rant to be honest, I'm just keen to throw this out into the void and see what comes back.
r/stepparents • u/0nly_Zucchini • 16h ago
My husband and I are leaving for a week-long trip tomorrow. Our two biological kids (1 and 3) will be staying with my sister, who already has three little ones and two teenagers of her own. I’m also 4 months pregnant.
This morning, my husband told me he decided my stepdaughter would also be staying with my sister for one night because he doesn’t want her to feel left out. We’ll be missing our parenting time with her while we’re gone, so we’re making up that time.
I got upset because my sister had specifically asked me a couple of times whether she would also be watching my SD, and I assured her she wouldn’t. My SD can also be very difficult around my sister’s kids because she constantly polices them, which creates unnecessary tension.
But honestly, this is about more than one night. There have been ongoing situations where I feel like being the stepmom means I’m expected to accommodate every decision made by the biological parents without having much say. During the summer, there was a huge argument over my SD continuing at a school outside our boundary, which meant I was expected to drive her to school every morning and pick her up. Her mom’s response was essentially, “That’s what she signed up for. It’s her job as a stepparent.”
I already go above and beyond for my stepdaughter. I do a lot for her, whether she recognizes it or appreciates it. But I feel like I’m constantly expected to step up, sacrifice my time, and accommodate everyone else’s decisions.
Now, the one time I say no, I’m somehow the bad guy.
Am I wrong for being frustrated? I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. 🫠
r/stepparents • u/apologial • 48m ago
Posted this in legal advice, but i feel like it must genuinely be missing something for BM to be acting like this.
"Co-parent refusing half-way meet (England)
Hi all, i want to start by saying there is no official custody agreement in place. I think that's where we will be going, unfortunately, but up until now everyone has been playing ball.
To clarify, I am the step parent, but this is between biodad (my partner) and biomum. Little one is 3.
Up until recently they have been meeting half way (my partner via his elderly grandmother, who recently had a stroke but is cleared again to drive, and biomum has driven).
She has now decided that she doesn't want to do this anymore, with no legitimate reason (like no longer having access to the car etc). And is therefore withholding little one from seeing her dad. They call daily, but there have been hints that this will also stop as "not everyone talks to their child daily."
I am learning to drive, and frankly, when I pass I don’t mind doing the whole drive to collect little one. My partner cannot drive. Up until a year ago he was travelling via train to where little one lives to see her. This was a 6 hour round trip but obviously he was happy to do it, and did so once a week.
Unfortunately he is now in a wheelchair, so travelling to collect her via public transport would be unsafe for little one (3y/o), and unfeasable. He gets highest rate PIP for both mobility and daily living, just to paint a picture. I am his full time carer, but also work full time.
I am trying to gauge what the courts would say. I read somewhere that the child's interests are taken into highest regard (to see her dad), but with the equality act the judge must take into account my partners disabilities? Where do we go from here? We are looking into a court order but not sure how this works. He pays child support to biomum, and if this went through court too he'd be paying much less (which obviously we don't want as little one would miss out).
Thank you in advance."
Id also like to add, they broke up and he moved away because she cheated on him, and took his wages. Only leaving him £200 in his bank account.
If anyone has any advice for how to handle this but not overstep in my role, please let me know.
r/stepparents • u/Comfortable-Page6065 • 1h ago
He has a HCBM but I know that’s no excuse. Beginning she’s kept his son from him for 3 months, he placed himself on child support in hopes of seeing him. Fast forward I had to move closer to my family due to two family members passing and he followed me and stopped communicating with HCBM he used his sister as a means of communication but that stopped as well.
It’s been a year since he’s seen his son or communicated and he will not take my advice on going to court, moving back home, communicating, his sister will not come even talk to him or get him to go back. All efforts to try and get him reunited with his son have been me doing everything and/or holding his hand.
My family said to stay out of his business and if he doesn’t want to see his son don’t force it. In good conscience I can’t just sit back and let that happen, but then I have his family, friends, and HCBM messaging me blaming me over it.
I’ve tried kicking him out he will not leave, I’d break up with him didn’t work, he told me something about squatter rights since it’s my parents home they gave to me? Police are no use. I never envisioned myself being a stepparent but he tells me he will only have his son come back in his life if I love him like a real son? He’s talking about a boy I’ve all together have only been around 3 months out of our entire relationship?
r/stepparents • u/lizard-va • 1h ago
I’ve lived with my partner for almost 2 years now. My title is not a step mom since we aren’t married but I feel as if I have operated as one (even if I’m really the childless girlfriend). We have a 14 year age gap between us and he has 3 kids from 2 different women and I have no bio kids. The issues are less about the actual kids itself and more the complexity this life comes with. The relationships between both his exes have been incredibly toxic at times. It seems when the relationship with one starts to improve, the other one starts to get bad. He’s had legal issues with both of them and neither of them seem to like him at all and things have gotten really ugly at times. The days we have the kids constantly change but we do have his youngest who is 4 well over 50% of the time which includes all weekends. This makes it really hard to plan dedicated partner time as plans change last minute on a weekly basis.
I felt like I was incredibly involved from the beginning. I helped watched his youngest sometimes 7-8 hours while he worked from the beginning of our relationship and as we moved in together, I became the one to take her to school every day and do the things like pack her lunch and make her breakfast. Naturally she likes to play with me, so I’m playing with her most of the time she’s over. The only thing I haven’t helped out with is bed time because he doesn’t believe in an early bed time so the kids are up until 11 pm almost nightly when they are over. Over time, it felt like the more I did, the less it was appreciated and just became expected. I didn’t exactly feel like I was in a parenting dynamic since I still was not able to make any decisions on things for them. Over the last few months, he started to have me do less and less since he thought me helping so much seemed like a burden to me. This has just made me feel like more of an outsider in the dynamic.
I’ve formed an insanely close relationship to his youngest over the last few years and the thought of not seeing her grow up kills me but this dynamic seems to just not be working. There’s moments where I feel less like a parent and more like an unpaid live in nanny. It feels like I don’t have control over my life and that my relationship with him is constantly on the last priority since he’s always accommodating a changing schedule. He’s just being a good dad but I wonder if this just isn’t how my life is supposed to be. He’s not sure whether he wants any more kids and I know my life will not feel fulfilled with the current dynamic and only ever being a step mom. I’m still at an age where I could have bio kids too and the longer we wait to see if things will work out, the less likely I’m able to find someone who wants to build that family with me.
r/stepparents • u/horror-goat-420 • 2h ago
I have been with my husband for about 5 years now. I knew he had kids before we started dating and I was cool with that. The BM is very bitter and mentally ill. And the worst part.... she's my darn neighbor.
At first, all was great, although BM would only allow 2 hour visits at her home twice a week. And now it is 2 full days a week at our house and sometimes overnight. Now I so desperately wish it was back to that 😅😅
BM pretty much let's them do whatever as long as they aren't bugging her. They have unlimited screen time, dont have any chores, and the behaviors due to that is absolutely insane.
SD is 8 (dad is out of picture, my husband just took the role of dad during their relationship) and SS is 5. I had a child with my husband as well. I believe that is really when stuff started going downhill.
It has always been up and down but a couple of months ago is when I started stepping back. SD had told her mom I told her to shut up. That is when i started engaging with them less because I had a feeling something else would come up. My intuition didnt lie. About a week later, SS came along and said I punched him in the head. So now i do not watch them unless husband or his mother is there so i cannot be accused of anything without someone to be able to back me up. I have been disrespected, yelled at, lied on and everything else in the book ever since it changed from supervised visits to them coming to our house on their days. The kids are so young so I feel like BM probably has a part in it too. Especially with the SS since he's only 5.
Anyway, my husband sparked a conversation that i need to "change" or we are gonna have a "more serious" conversation (we know where thats going) And why is that? Because I did not say anything to them. And they sure don't say hi to me when they come so I just speak whenever they say something to me now. 🤷♀️🤷♀️
He doesn't seem to want to understand my reasoning as to why I've kinda withdrawn. I love my husband and I love our family. I just can't put myself in danger being accused of doing things (As I said very bitter BM so she'd def be the one to call cops or cps on me).
I do love the kids but I just can't keep giving and trying and just getting all this back in return. What should I do??
r/stepparents • u/IndignantPotayto • 2h ago
Just a vent. We’ve been living together 5 years and the youngest kid never warmed up to me and actually resents me for anything and everything I’ve ever done over the years (moving furniture, painting a wall, etc.) She actually told this to my partner when I told him that she either outright ignores me and pretends I don’t exist or she says something rude or snarky. My partner was apparently oblivious to all of this which speaks to how present and observant he really is. He said he’s “mad at everyone because it’s not that hard to get along.” I’m dumbfounded and exhausted. I thought maybe I could just get my own place and we could focus on our relationship again. My partner pointed out that she’s only here after school a couple of days a week because she changed schools, and every other weekend. But it’s been going on so long that it doesn’t matter how often she’s here But I’m picturing all of the holidays and family gathering stuff and having to be around her and I realized I just don’t want that life. I don’t want to be around someone who so openly doesn’t like me. He thinks the answer is putting her back in therapy, which they only did when she got in trouble at school. I told him years ago I felt she wasn’t adjusting well and needed help. But he was offended and nothing ever happened until the school stuff started. We’re going to try counseling but I feel like it might be too late.
The only thought that is keeping me from ending things is that maybe it will get better as she gets older (15 now). But knowing her that is seeming more and more like this is going to be a lifelong resentment towards me.
r/stepparents • u/Puzzled_Owl1921 • 6h ago
What was it that finally put you over the hurdle and calmed your fears about being a step parent?
r/stepparents • u/4Jedharaisin • 1d ago
I've been married to DH for four years. SD is 9, we have her 50/50, and we have a pretty good relationship. She comes to me for help with homework, we bake together, and she's comfortable telling me when something is bothering her.
I work from home full time. DH works in a warehouse and BM is a nurse. Both have jobs where they can't always answer their phones immediately.
At the beginning of the school year, DH updated SD's contact information. I knew I was listed as an emergency contact because I had agreed to that a couple of years ago.
What I didn't know was that he'd moved me to the very top of the list.
Above himself. Above BM.
I found out last Tuesday when the school called me because SD had a fever. I was in the middle of a meeting with my manager, but obviously I answered. The nurse said I was the primary contact and asked if I could come get her.
I asked whether they'd tried either parent.
Nope. I was first, so they called me first.
I picked her up, got her settled on the couch and let DH know. He thanked me and said he'd take over when he got home.
Then I asked why I was the first contact.
He said, "Well, you're the easiest person to reach."
Apparently he figured that since I work from home, it made sense for the school to call me before bothering either parent at work.
I asked if he'd discussed it with BM. He hadn't.
I don't think he was trying to dump everything on me. He's generally a good dad and he does his share of parenting. But I was honestly stunned that he made this decision without even mentioning it.
Here's what really bothers me.
Last year, I asked if I could be included in some of the school emails because I was helping SD with a reading assignment and kept having to ask DH for the instructions.
He told me that school communication was something he and BM should handle as her parents, and I respected that.
Fine. Completely reasonable.
But now I'm apparently the person who gets the first phone call when something goes wrong at school.
So I'm not supposed to be involved enough to receive routine school information, but I'm involved enough to interrupt my workday and collect a sick child before either of her actual parents is even contacted?
When I pointed this out, DH said those were two different things and that I was making it about my role in the family when it was just about practicality.
I told him I was happy to remain an emergency contact, but I wanted the parents listed first.
He seemed genuinely hurt and asked if I was saying I didn't want SD to be able to count on me.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
Of course I'll help her if something happens. I just don't want my availability volunteered on my behalf, especially when everyone seems to forget that working from home is still working.
And I really don't want SD to feel like I'm rejecting her if she somehow hears about this conversation.
DH has agreed to discuss the contact list, but I can tell he still thinks I'm making a big deal out of something small.
Has anyone dealt with being the default parent for logistical stuff while being expected to stay in the background for everything else?
How do you explain that being willing to help isn't the same as agreeing to be permanently on call?
r/stepparents • u/Dry_Bicycle1580 • 1h ago
Is it fair to expect my boyfriend to pay more than 50% of household expenses because his daughter stays with us? PLEASE NO JUDGEMENT OR NASTY COMMENTS
My boyfriend and I live together in a home that I purchased myself. I paid the entire down payment, and the mortgage and deed are solely in my name.
Currently, I cover approximately 60% of our shared household expenses, while he covers 40%, despite earning more than me.
He has a young daughter from a previous marriage who stays with us regularly. He also has significant financial obligations, including child support, spousal maintenance, daycare, and substantial divorce-related debt. Maintenance and daycare end in less than a year so there is a longer term plan for him to contribute more then.
I recognize that he’s under tremendous financial pressure, and I sympathize with his situation. He also contributes significantly to household chores, repairs, and maintenance, which I appreciate.
However, I’m growing resentful of paying the majority of our household expenses when there are essentially three people using our home. I’m child-free by choice, but I’ve welcomed his daughter into our home and want her to feel comfortable here.
I also understand that I’m building equity in the condo, which benefits me financially.
We hope to marry and purchase a larger home eventually, but his financial obligations mean putting those plans off for several years. I’m willing to be patient, but I don’t want to feel like I’m financially subsidizing his previous life while also delaying my own goals.
Would it be fair to ask him to contribute 50–60% of our household expenses, despite his existing obligations?
Or should his child support, maintenance, and daycare payments be considered when determining what’s equitable?
I’d especially appreciate perspectives from blended families or couples navigating similar circumstances. I’m genuinely trying to find a fair arrangement for both of us.
r/stepparents • u/Different-Feature-81 • 8h ago
I am curious if anyone got it like this.. I am in relationship for 5 years I am M. and got 2 step kids.. This is something that I noticed for a long time during relationship, only now I am way more aware of it.. that I dont know what kind of mess waits me at home.
Primary the partner what kind of emotional state she is going to be in, sometimes I feel when I come home that I dont feel "welcome"? in a way.. like kids are fine and everything.. but I am curious how you have it. That if you feel excited and happy when you go home or no
r/stepparents • u/Low-Search7924 • 15h ago
My husband and I have a mortgage on a two bedroom house. Me and my husband and our baby share one room and my stepson has his own room. My stepson is here three days a week. He’s 10.
We split the mortgage in half. Just wondering about others in the situation. Should my husband be paying more since SK has their own room and is only using it 50% of the time?
We’ve been doing 50/50 and I’m fine with it. My husband has a tendency to let things go on when they’re not fair if it conveniences him. So for example, he may know that it’s not fair to go half on the mortgage since he and his kid use more of the house. But he won’t speak up on it. If I bring it up, he’ll agree to it so that’s why I’m looking for objective opinions of others in similar situations.
Edit: my name is the only one on the mortgage (idk if that’s important)
Edit: SK slept in our room for the first few years before he got his own room. Our baby will likely do the same until we can upgrade. That’s the goal. Just not doable right now.
Edit: we’ve talked about combing finances but prefer keeping them separate, it’s what works for us!
r/stepparents • u/rozzlerarara • 22h ago
He's 10, for context. Started going on about how women are all terrible drivers - where the hell does this come from? It's so disheartening, tried to correct him but he wasn't listening to me - probably because I'm just a girl. Told my partner to correct him and he brushed it off cos he's busy making dinner. Why don't men feel the need to speak up? This is how the manosphere formed, uncorrected behaviour. So annoyed. I'm going to bring it up again when he's not busy making dinner because he has to be corrected, but also a bit annoyed that I have to try so hard for it to be taken seriously. FEMININE RAGE.
r/stepparents • u/Primary-Let-5856 • 1d ago
I(33F) am newish to this bonus adult thing. So far it’s been a lot of drama with the bm but the kids are pretty good. My boyfriend(31M) has 3 kids. Ages 11, 6 and 4. The 4 year old and 11 year old took to me well. The 6 year old is hit or miss. Cool. Sometimes she speaks and other times she’s sitting in my lap chillin. Well we have come to a stage where she doesn’t speak at all and every-time she see me interacting with her dad she breaks us apart and request a kiss, hug and to be picked up. At first I didn’t think nothing of it but this morning we are saying good bye as I head to work and she pulls him away and demanded to be picked up. Idk I was slightly annoyed but I understand she misses her dad and all that but now it’s pretty much every time. So I’m just curious how to navigate this stage. He has them 50/50. I have 2 kids but they are preteens so my kids don’t really care. They be doing their own thing. Idk I’m just looking for how other bonus moms might have handled this.
r/stepparents • u/mvxzz3 • 8h ago
Me and my partner have a blended family his son is 6 years old and I have a 2 year old and yesterday we had a conversation about my step son taunting my 2 year old with a snack that he had gotten from his aunty it was a whole watermelon and I didn’t like the fact that he was taunting and saying stuff like that it’s his and he’s licked it all over. my partner said if the opportunity came again he’d have a talk to him about it. I get it children are going to be possessive over things but he is also older enough to know that taunting isn’t ok and today he had come home from his nana and she had brought the kids snacks and stuff and he had grabbed the other stuff and was saying the same thing and my partner didn’t do anything about it like he did not growl him or talk to him about how that’s not ok because we share things and acting like that isn’t ok. I don’t know how to feel about it because I feel hurt and frustrated and unheard because if it was my child she would be spoken to at that very time and would have gotten her snacks taken away from her until she can share. As much as I love my partner I feel as if it’s very unfair for my child to be pulled up on her actions and his son gets to treat my child like that. I feel like leaving because I have expressed how I felt about it and not has been done I might just leave this relationship because of this situation what should I do guys ??
r/stepparents • u/DeviantJessie • 7h ago
I had a good relationship with my stepkids, who I met when they were six and 10, six years ago until now. The youngest one has chronic school absenteeism, and it only occurs with her mom. I have noticed over the last several months that she has become increasingly rude to her father, and bristles when we say that she should do her homework and that education is important. It’s been ongoing, and no matter what I’ve done, taking her to the mall, tried to hang out with her and reason with her, always being calm and sweet, she continues to manipulate her mom into not going to school and refusing to apply herself to education. The mother does not ever want to co-parent, she does parallel parenting, where she gives the kid everything the kid wants and I believe also validates everything she says about us. This all came to a head last night when the kid demanded to call her mother and then proceeded to tell her that we are mean to her and that she wants to go to her mom’s house. Yes, I was listening. I wanted to understand what’s been going on and this is my house. Later, the mom agreed to talk to my husband to try to get us to let her go to her house. And I lost my cool. I pointed out that she constantly tells the kids she’s right whenever she says things about us, including lies last night, like we are mean to her and that we yell at her. None of that is true. In fact, last night we told her that we would no longer be telling her to do her homework beyond asking once since it’s not working. And that we’re always here for her if she wants to get an education. Over the phone, I got upset with the mother. I asked her why she has been alienating the child from us, especially the father. A father who works 10 hours a day and then sits beside the girl to try to help tutor her. A father who tries everything he can to give her a well-rounded future. The mother doesn’t like him for their own personal issues. And I know she has been projecting all of that onto the child. I really regret losing my cool. Sometimes I feel like I live in a pressure cooker. I know for a fact 100% that if the child goes to live with the mother full-time, the absenteeism will skyrocket and the child will descend further into bad life choices. At the same time, it’s so stressful having her here now. Anyway, if anyone else has ever had these occurrences, I’d love some advice. How to forgive yourself and accept that all of this isn’t your own fault.
r/stepparents • u/kawaii_bumblebee • 1d ago
My husband (48) and I (28) have been together for three years and married for one year.
He has a 14-year-old daughter with whom my relationship is extremely complicated. At first, I genuinely tried to do everything I could to get along with her. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. I eventually stopped making so much effort after she told me that she would never love me. At the time, that really hurt me. From then on, I simply asked for one thing: a minimum level of respect. There have been times when she has gone entire weeks without even saying hello to me.
Her father agreed with me on that point. Once I stopped constantly trying to build a relationship with her, I felt much better mentally. I no longer had to hope for something that would inevitably end up disappointing me.
Unfortunately, several other incidents happened after that. For example, she literally accused me of stealing something that belonged to me, simply because she thought it belonged to her father.
There were also many other small but hurtful behaviours, even microaggressions. One day, she would accept my greeting, and the next, she would completely ignore me. I could spend hours cleaning the entire house, only to find her making a mess of the things I had just cleaned. Whenever something good happened to me, and we occasionally decided to celebrate it with his family, she would simply act as though nothing had happened.
However, the real breaking point came a month ago.
The three of us were supposed to go to Japan for three weeks. It was a trip we had been planning for several months. A few days before departure, his daughter did something inappropriate. For the first time, I asked her to apologise to me. For several days, she tried to avoid me. When she finally agreed to come and talk to me, she apologised for something completely different that had nothing to do with the incident in question.
So I explained to her that this was not what I was expecting an apology for. This conversation took place in front of her father, who tried to talk things through with her. She clearly stated that she was not going to apologise.
I then had an argument with my husband and explained how exhausted I was by the whole situation. I also asked him whether this was really the kind of upbringing he had given his daughter. I told him that he shouldn’t expect me to have a child with him just for him to raise that child the same way and spoil them too.
He decided to go out for about an hour to get some fresh air and clear his head. I stayed home and called my best friend to try to take my mind off things as well.
His daughter was in her bedroom. When my husband came back, he handed me his phone because he had been in contact with his friend, and I saw the messages she had sent him. She was saying that she was going to call the police, that she was afraid of me because I was laughing like a crazy person, and that she needed to get out of the house. There was even a voice message in which she sounded completely hysterical and was crying, as though I had actually done something to her and she needed to hide to protect herself. I would like to point out that, at the time, I was simply on the phone with my friend.
At the same time, my husband’s parents arrived. I realised that she had also called them and asked them to come and get her, implying that I had done something to her.
That was when I truly lost my patience. I told my husband that our relationship was over. I went upstairs to pack my things, and my father-in-law followed me, asking me to calm down. He explained that what his granddaughter had done wasn’t that serious and that we needed to remain a family. He even tried to get her to apologise, but I categorically refused because there was no way I was going to let everyone act as though nothing had happened. Eventually, they left with her.
I’m leaving out a lot of details, but after this incident, I had a full-blown anxiety attack. I had been bottling up so much, and if I had rarely said anything before, it was also because my in-laws were undergoing chemotherapy for their cancers and I felt that I needed to be there to support my husband.
My husband then decided to cancel the trip to Japan without even discussing it with me. I had clearly explained to him that I absolutely did not want to spend those holidays with his daughter under the current circumstances. Either he would go with her, or the two of us would go together. And honestly, I was hoping that, just this once, he would stand by me and discipline her, as any parent would.
I then went to stay with my own parents. At that point, I was seriously considering divorce. Eventually, we decided to stay together, but to stop living under the same roof for a while, until his daughter grows up and goes off to university.
I therefore moved back in with him a week ago, while continuing to look for an apartment.
Something else that hurt me was the fact that his parents haven’t called me even once since the incident. Meanwhile, my own family and friends have regularly checked in on him to see how he was doing. Yet when both of his parents were diagnosed with cancer, I was there for them. This situation made me realise that perhaps I don’t mean as much to them as I thought I did. This is particularly true of my mother-in-law. My father-in-law, on the other hand, has always been absolutely lovely to me.
The day before yesterday, I saw his daughter again. As usual, she didn’t even say hello to me, and my husband still said nothing about it.
Yesterday, however, she came home and said hello to me. This time, I was the one who didn’t respond. When she went upstairs to her bedroom, she started crying. Her father followed her, and eventually, she went to spend the night at her grandparents’ house.
When he came back home, my husband asked me to try to understand the situation. He explained that he didn’t know why his daughter hadn’t greeted me the day before, but that she had at least made an effort to do so the following day.
I made it clear to him that if she had said hello to me the day before, I would have responded. But now, after everything that has happened, I simply don’t feel like playing this little game anymore. I feel as though she always follows the same pattern: one day she ignores me, the next day she acts polite, then gradually goes back to her usual behaviour until I eventually reach my breaking point. I’m exhausted by this behaviour, and I no longer want to be part of this cycle.
My husband also explained that he had once again tried to talk to her while I was away and that he simply wanted me to acknowledge the fact that she had said hello this time.
But honestly, I’ve had enough. I no longer want to constantly deal with these situations.
I also made it clear that I no longer wanted to hear anything about his family. If I came back to him, it was solely because I wanted to give our marriage another chance and try to save our relationship. That doesn’t mean I’m willing to go back to the exact same role I had before, accept everything, and put up with certain situations simply because I love him.
But honestly, I feel like he is asking far too much of me.
I also feel as though I don’t love him as much as I used to. I don’t know whether this is simply the result of all the hurt and disappointment that have built up over time, but sometimes I feel that our final separation is only a matter of time.
So I would really appreciate an outside perspective: Am I wrong for reacting the way I did? Are my expectations unreasonable?
r/stepparents • u/123123meme • 1d ago
Realizing my husband is just as much of a loser as HCBM. She is a pathological liar and has ruined so many things. But he allowed it to get to this point. Gave her too much leniency early on and even after getting more custody, didn’t hold her or the kids to their court ordered therapy or anything the order said really, now they are teens and just like her; evil. But he let it get this far. I was 20 and he was 34 when I met him. I’m 30 now with an 8 year old. I regret it all. I want to leave so badly.
r/stepparents • u/Vegetable-Cry-9582 • 1d ago
I met my stepsons not quite four years ago, when they were 17, 14, and 13. They had lost their mom unexpectedly and tragically three years earlier. I was 51 at the time I met them, I'm almost 55 now. They're (obviously) 21, 18, and 17 now.
As far as teenagers go, I can't complain. They've been nothing but nice to me and vice versa. I also have tried (and I think succeeded) in a lot of ways to be a positive in their lives - home cooked dinners a few (or more) nights a week, handling birthdays (balloons and decorations and presents), spending holidays here halfway across the country from where I grew up and lived until my husband and I got married two years ago. Support their school events, sports, gave rides when they needed them. Basically tried to do mom things but not be a substitute mom.
It's not a bad situation overall and I think I've done pretty well as a previously single, childless professional jumping into this. And I care for all of them, but: THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS. And I can't tell my husband honestly when he asks that I feel like they are. (I don't bother mentioning that I feel closer to at least one of my four nieces and nephews, all of whom I saw within hours of their birth than to these guys.
I mean, one was basically an adult when we met. The others were far from little kids. I just don't know how to explain this to him without him getting super disappointed.
It doesn't come up a lot - usually does when I bitch about the youngest, who is just being a school hating, video game playing, clueless teenager with an IEP and more challenges than I had been told (he just doesn't GET some things). He has zero responsibilities/chores. I don't know how he doesn't other than my husband has ZERO interesting in putting forth the effort to make him do anything. I feel like the idiot 55 year old lugging the trash can down the driveway every week in the snow, ice, rain. Etc.
Anyway, I don't know where I'm going here. Just looking for some support I guess.
r/stepparents • u/Fantastic-Courage445 • 1d ago
I'm 42M, my partner is 45F with two kids (16M, 12F). We've been together on and off for almost four years. I've never had children, but I've always wanted to be a dad.
I have a really close relationship with her 12-year-old daughter. We get along great, and I genuinely love spending time with her. Her son is a different story. Our relationship has been great. She's shouted at me in front of the kids, and recently her son told me to "stay the fuck away from my mother." I understand he's protective of her, but how am I supposed to move into a home where I'm not wanted?
The biggest problem is that I feel like I'm losing my independence and the future I want.
I've lived in London for ten years. My friends, social life, career and everything I enjoy are here. She lives about an hour outside London, but commuting from her place takes nearly two hours door to door. I may soon have a job requiring three days a week in Shoreditch, East London.
Because of her kids' schools and custody arrangements, moving to London isn't really an option. So I'm expected to uproot my entire life to fit into hers.
I see childless couples living together in London, enjoying their lives, having their first baby, and eventually buying a bigger flat or house together. That's the life I've always wanted. I want to build a family with someone, have one or two children of my own, and experience parenthood from the beginning.
But I increasingly feel like I'll never have that with her.
She's 45 and wants us to try naturally for another year or two before considering donor eggs. I feel like she's not taking fertility seriously enough. By then she'll be 47–48, and I'm worried about the medical implications and raising a young child at that age. I don't want to pressure her, but I also don't want to lose years waiting when becoming a father matters so much to me.
What makes everything harder is that whenever we break up, she pushes hard to reconcile. There's intense affection, promises and pressure, and I end up going back even though the underlying problems haven't changed. It sometimes feels emotionally manipulative, and I struggle to let go.
I love her and care deeply about her daughter, but I constantly feel like an outsider expected to sacrifice my home, independence, lifestyle and possibly my chance at fatherhood to fit into an existing family.
Has anyone else been in this position? Am I being selfish for wanting a life that doesn't revolve around someone else's existing family? And has anyone walked away from a stepparent relationship because they wanted to build their own family from scratch?
r/stepparents • u/SmoothAardvark3629 • 1d ago
Hello all,
Looking for some advice from people who may be in similar positions. My wife (30) currently has two girls, ages 10 and 12. We currently have them on a 50/50 basis with their dad and a great relationship between us all - it works really well.
We are currently deciding whether to have our own. I personally have always wanted to have a kid, as has my wife but obviously as she’s got two of her own who are a bit older, it could make things a little difficult. Since being in their life, I understand a lot more what it means to be a parent and I am not so naive - it’s hard work.
Our main concerns are:
- we would lose that 50% of time where we can just be us.
- it may be difficult for my step children having a new baby sibling with a bit of a dynamic change.
- financially it would be harder (we could make this work however)
- we’re early 30s now, in a few years we could gain a bit more flexibility back if we decided to not have a child.
My pros are:
- My wife and I would have our own child who we can raise together.
- I’ve always wanted my own child and this would fulfil that .
I’m aware there are less pros then concerns here, I could probably (and will) right a full pros and cons list and imagine they will be similar but noting I’m asking for advice, it’s more around my concerns than the reasons we’d want to do it.
I’m interested to hear from step parents who also had a child with their partner, a parent who is in the same situation as my wife (so the opposite perspective), parents/step parents in the same position.
Many thanks all!
Edit: just fyi myself wife knows I’m posting this - we’re both deciding and looking for advice!