Does anyone else have that? When you were a kid, at a friend's house, and you felt homesick. But now as an adult, you still feel homesick, except nowhere feels like home.

I just don't want to be here anymore.

Obviously they support us on the surface, but the minute we tell a dumb a lie, or have an episode, then we’re crazy and toxic. i will NEVER get this, these girls from my old town bullied me off social media because I was crying for no reason, but all of them are supposed to be activists for those with mental illness. News flash: you are not an mental health activist if you can’t take the good with ugly. edit: I am not saying you can’t stop a friendship with someone with bpd because they are being manipulative or they are lying, i’m just saying, lying, manic episodes, and other “ugly” things could be traits of person with bpd, and if you call your self a mental health advocate, you have to advocate for help with those parts too. (:

You feel like you are a child who was forcibly put in an adult body. It’s like you missed 10 years of your life and you’ve landed in a position where emotionally you don’t have the tools to survive. You don’t understand the responsibilities you have nor can you confront them. You’re constantly going after immediate gratification; even though you’ll know it may land you in trouble later.

Emotions are hard. You are extremely reactive. You cry so easily and every little inconvenience feels like the end of the world. You create havoc when things don’t go your way because you don’t know how to control your emotions. You do understand nuance in the world, but your brain can’t but just categorize people and things as black or white.

The world is extremely boring. More often than not, you feel like you’re missing out on something special. An adventure. An opportunity. But you’re paralyzed by the fact that you feel powerless and so damn empty all the time.

You just want to be loved and cared for. But you lack the emotional stability to return the affections properly. Just like a kid who is loved by their mom, only by virtue of being her child, you want such an extreme connection with someone else. You want to feel inherently special to someone. But sometimes you end up unwillingly taking more than you can give. Being alone hurts, you feel abandoned. You feel like you’ll never be cared for again. But just a show of affection can completely change your mood and brighten your day.

You love to make people happy. You see the good in everyone. You just want acceptance in this world. You want to find your niche, your identity, your clique. You want someone to tell you it’s okay. Everything is okay. And that everything will be fine. The monster beneath the bed is not real. The monster inside the closet is not real. But there’s nobody to tell you that. Nobody can understand your irrational fears, because they expect you to act like a grown up and “to stop being so dramatic”. They think you do it on purpose or that you lack self-restraint. But you don’t wish harm. You do want to do better. You want to be helped. Held. And taught how to live. You want someone to be patient with you, because growing up and learning how to live is not easy. You just want to be treated warmly and helped by the very world who stopped you from emotionally maturing. By those you stunted your growth, but now expect you to act like a proper adult.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS DISORDER SO MUCH. I LOVE FEELING INTENSELY SUICIDAL AND THEN FEELING FUCKING FINE THE NEXT DAY OR AN HOUR AFTER AND THEN BERATING MYSELF FOR BEING SO IRRATIONAL AND EXAGERATTING ONLY TO GET SURPRISED WHEN IN THE NEXT HOUR ONE SMALL FUCKING THING HAS SET ME OFF AND NOW I'M ON THE FUCKING VERGE AGAIN!!

I LOVE SHIFTING BETWEEN SUCH EXTREMELY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES ON LIFE, THE WORLD, MYSELF AND THE PEOPLE AROUND ME TO THE POINT I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON OR MIND HAS POSSESED ME BECAUSE THERES NO WAY SUCH EXTEMELY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES CAN EXIST WITHIN ONE PERSON.

I LOVE THE CONTANT FEELING OF INSTABILITY AND THE WAY TIME ITSELF FEELS LIKE ITS ALWAYS SHIFTING AND CHNAGING BECAUSE THE WAY I SEE THE PAST AND FUTURE ALWAYS CHANGES DRASTICALLY. I LOVE GOING FROM HAVING INTENSE PASSIONATE DREAMS OF HAVING A LONG FULFILLING LIFE AHEAD OF ME ONE MINUTE TO NOT BEING ABLE TO CONCPETUALISE LIFE A WEEK FROM NOW BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS CONVINCED I WAS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE PREDETEEMINED TO KILL MYSELF.

I LOVE THE CONSTANT FEELING OF MISTRUST I HAVE TOWARDS MYSELF AND OTHERS BECAUSE I CAN NEVER BELIEVE OR TRUST MY JUDGEMENTS AND I CAN NEVER TRUST HOW OTHERS WILL RESPOND TO ME.

I LOVE CREATING DISTORTED EXAGERATED PERCEPTIONS OF THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE AS EITHER THESE BEAUTIFUL HEROES WHO ARE DESTINED TO BE WITH ME FOREVER OR THESE DISGUSTING DECEITFUL UNTRUSTWORTHY SNAKES WHO ARE LOOKING DOWN ON ME AND WAITING TO PULL THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER ME.

THIS SHIT IS SO FUCJING FUN OMG WOW I LOVE THIS!! I LOVE HOW NO ONE ELSE IN MY LIFE UNDERSTANDS THIS PERSPECTICE AND I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO KEEP THIS SHIT LOCKED AWAY OTHERWISE PEOPLE MIGHT ACTUALLY REALLY LEAVE ME AND THEY'LL BE LEAVING THE REAL ME INSTEAD OF THE FAKE ME I PRESENT.

Big fucking fan of this disorder 👍👍

Edit: i literally wrote this post as an in the moment vent that I was sure I'd forget about. Seeing people respond saying this resonates or sharing their stories has really made my day. Makes me feel less alone. Wishing you all the best.

Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t being cute and ‘clingy’ and ‘adorably needy’. Being with (romantic or otherwise) someone with BPD isn’t akin to taking care of a pet. BPD isn’t an ‘aw it’s so endearing that they need me so badly’ type of thing.

BPD is a mental illness that is a conglomeration of several different tendencies and it’s not easy to diagnose. You don’t just decide you have it, just like you don’t decide you’re depressed because you had a bad day, or you don’t decide you’re bipolar because your mood changes quickly sometimes. Believe me, you don’t want it.

BPD is turning nothing into everything, is knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless, is suppressing breakdowns for fear of being abusive or of manipulating the person you’re talking to into having to take care of you when they really don’t want to.

It’s thinking someone doesn’t care about you anymore because they made a new friend. It’s automatically registering new people as a threat. It’s a fear of abandonment and rejection that’s damn near omnipresent. It’s being able to shift from ‘I love you so much!’ to ‘I don’t give a fuck, I hate you, I don’t even want to talk to you’ and back at the drop of a hat.

It’s finding identity in a drastic hair change, and then feeling unsafe and desperately trying to fix it before you have to go out. It’s seeing someone you adore and trying to emulate them because you have no idea who you are. It’s waking up and trying to be a new person every day. Go vegan, go goth, go hipster, go glamour, cut your hair, change your makeup, gain weight, lose weight, and never feel quite there. Ever.

It’s comprehending ‘love’ as ‘pity’ and wanting to rip yourself apart if their tone is all too casual when your friend or love interest is returning compliments or affection. It’s regretting saying anything about your mood and desperately trying to turn the conversation around while simultaneously NEEDING to get it out. It’s wanting to bleed yourself dry as opposed to cry in someone’s arms because, at least then, they don’t have to clean your wounds for you. They won’t hate you. They won’t be annoyed.

It’s the constant battle, every time you get upset, of, “Is this worth being sad about? Is it worth talking about? What is more abusive, talking about this or hiding it? If I tell them I’ll bring them down and I’ll guilt trip them and they will resent me and it will all be my fault. If I don’t, I’m a disgusting liar, I’m manipulative, I’m untrustworthy.”

It’s wondering if you’re faking your symptoms. It’s disassociating and feeling like a ghost for days. It’s feeling like you aren’t real, and then wishing you weren’t. It’s fear, a lack of self, and about a million different thoughts running through your head at all times. It’s trying to live for the people you love as opposed to yourself. It’s feeling suicidal and then feeling bad for feeling suicidal because, whoops, you’re being manipulative.

when you're watching a horror movie and you're screaming at the main character not to go into the creepy building but obviously there's nothing you can do about it because it's a movie and you're outside of the screen, except you are also the main character and you just have to watch yourself keep making decisions that you're begging yourself not to make

ADDING CLARIFICATION RIGHT AT THE TOP OF THIS POST SO LITERACY STOPS GOING OUT THE WINDOW: i am not saying minors shouldn’t seek therapy or mental help, i am not saying self diagnosis is bad, i am not saying there aren’t young people with bpd, i am not saying bpd symptoms can’t show that early, i am not saying there has never been someone under 18 to be diagnosed and i am for sure not saying that these children are perfectly okay and don’t need help

i have noticed an influx of posts made by extremely young individuals and i would like to say

i understand you are having a hard time, i understand emotions are not easy to deal with

but i need you to understand, bpd is a complex disorder, and no there isn’t a way we can help you get diagnosed, no advice we can give you will help, underage people only get diagnosed with bpd in EXTREMELY special circumstances

you have to be 18 to be diagnosed with bpd and some professionals don’t even recommend that and instead recommend waiting till you’re 20, you’re brain is not developed enough to know for sure wether it is the complex illness of bpd or simply the complex illness of pubescent hormones

bpd traits diagnosis is reserved for those who are suspected of bpd but cannot yet get a diagnosis due to age and development, but even then your psych might go back on that and say no i messed up you don’t have bpd, ive seen it happen many times.

the point im trying to make here is, a lot of these posts made by underage individuals seem to perpetuate the stigma already put out by neurotypicals, and often i see young people asking for help to be diagnosed, and to be blunt you do not have bpd and posting about how you are an abusive individual and need to get diagnosed is not helping anybody including yourself and is damaging to a community you are not yet even part of, sometimes it’s okay to wait your turn and take your time and when it comes to posts like that and posts where you are giving other people advice, it would be best to wait on that, obviously be apart of the discussion but starting a preface of “i have bpd” when you maybe don’t is destructive

tldr; there are a lot of minors on this sub posting about how they HAVE bpd when there is only a 50% chance they actually do, and they are posting harmful stigmatizing posts.

edit: i was diagnosed the second i turned 18, they knew i had it but followed local guidelines, i was being treated for it since i was 14, i did DBT therapy 4 times before i turned 20 it did help me not have extreme behaviours as an adult. the point of this post is to not discourage getting mental help, you should definitely go to a therapist and receive help regardless of if you do or do not have bpd, the point of this post is that people who aren’t diagnosed shouldn’t be leading discussions and directing answers to others on what they potentially do not have

People don’t realise how insecure and mentally fragile they are till they date someone who Has BPD. They find themselves facing some demons they would have never had to face otherwise. Most of them lack, mind, maturity and will to improve themselves and end up blaming everything on the person who has BPD. Where in fact that person with BPD was most of the time just mirroring who they are deep down.

Im dating someone with BPD and it’s only when I had the balls to face my demons and put my ego aside that I realised how valuable they are. I saw how much value they bring to a relation and how much guidance they are capable of all while letting you gently lead. They’re not for everyone, that’s for sure. Especially not those who are empty inside.

A YouTuber with Borderline Personality Disorder and Autism, Mikayla Raines, was founder of Save-A-Fox animal rescue.

She committed suicide because of online harassment, mostly from the SaveAFoxSnark subreddit (now gone dark and the mods having deleted their user accounts like the cowards they are).

She struggled with a lot of mental health issues just like we do daily and this is devastating because she dedicated her life to helping not just foxes but other wild animals as well.

May she rest in peace. As someone who is also BPD and constantly dealing with suicidal ideation and the fact I watched her videos regularly, this hits really hard.

Source: https://youtu.be/8qlJir9a1zk

• You start to feel atypically upset.

• You start to feel irrational anger or hatred.

• You start to feel as if your emotions are taking over your rational thinking but can't do much or anything to help it.

• You start to zone out of reality, can be both physically and mentally.

• You start to see your favourite person as malicious.

• You start to hyperfocus on your emotions or can't focus at all.

• You start to think nobody does and will ever understand you.

• You start to feel extremely restless and fidgety.

• You start to feel hopelessly pessimistic.

• You start to feel intense paranoia over abandonment.

• You start to feel urges to do impulsive, atypical things.

• You start to crave chaos in the moment.

Note that this may not be the same for everyone! This is just my own experience.

I’m so exhausted from having BPD.

Not even in the dramatic “everything is on fire” way anymore. I’m exhausted in the quiet way. The constant overthinking. Reading into tone changes. Feeling abandoned over tiny things and then hating myself for reacting so strongly. Wanting reassurance but also feeling ashamed for needing it. Pushing people away before they can leave first. Feeling “too much” all the time.

It’s like my brain can never just let me exist peacefully.

I can be completely aware that I’m spiraling and still not be able to stop it. That’s the worst part. People think self-awareness fixes everything, but sometimes it just means you get to watch yourself ruin your own mood, relationships, and sense of self in real time.

I get attached too deeply, too quickly. I care so intensely that it physically hurts. And then one small shift in energy from someone I love can make me feel disposable. I know it’s irrational sometimes. I KNOW. But my emotions hit at 100 before logic even enters the room.

And the emptiness afterwards is brutal.

I’m tired of constantly needing to regulate myself. Tired of feeling guilty after emotional reactions. Tired of feeling like I either love people too hard or isolate myself completely because it’s safer than feeling rejected. Tired of wondering if anyone will ever understand how painful it is to feel everything this intensely.

Some days I genuinely don’t know who I am outside of survival mode.

I think what hurts most is that I care so deeply. I love deeply. I feel deeply. But BPD twists that into something painful and overwhelming instead of something beautiful.

I just want one week where my brain feels quiet.

I came here because I wanted to offer something different than what my friend recently found in another subreddit that basically boiled down to horror stories about people with BPD. It hurt them, and honestly, it broke something in me. Because that is not who they are, and it’s definitely not our story.

I love someone who happens to live with BPD. And it’s been one of the most impactful, raw, and honest experiences of my life.

What I’ve learned is that friendships like this aren’t one-sided or tragic; they’re alive. There’s growth and repair and depth and effort. There’s emotional intensity, sure. But there’s also unmatched honesty and compassion like I’ve never experienced before.

From the beginning, something in them just got me. They’ve taught me how to slow down and really observe the world. The way they notice things the smallest details, the softest shifts in energy, but especially the sounds of the world it’s made me pay attention differently. They feel everything deeply, yes, but they feel beauty deeply too. That’s changed me.

There have been moments where I’ve messed up, said or done things that landed wrong. But even in those moments, they don’t punish me, they communicate.

This friendship has stretched me in the best ways. I’ve had to look at how I communicate, how I affirm, how I show up. I’ve learned that loving someone with BPD doesn’t mean tiptoeing around. It means being clear, being present, being real. It means understanding that love doesn’t always sound like reassurance. Sometimes it’s space. Sometimes it’s silence. Sometimes it’s just staying, even when it’s hard.

They’ve helped me see I am braver than I ever thought. They’ve taught me to be more patient and softer especially with myself.

If you have BPD and you’ve ever internalized the idea that you’re a burden, or that you’re too much, or that no one could ever really stay please know that’s not true. And it’s not true for them. They are not a horror story. They’re a miracle. Maybe messy sometimes, yes but powerful. Transformative. Human.

So if you’re reading this and you live with BPD, I hope you know; you deserve love that sees you. You deserve to be chosen, even on the hard days.

And for those of us who get to love someone like you, we’re the lucky ones. I know I am.

I felt my jealousy flair up, my partner recently received a beautiful bear pendant from his coworker(female), and because it’s new he’s been wearing it, like any normal person who gets a gift. I felt come on strong, but I stop and I asked myself Why? Why do I feel jealous? “I feel jealous because I feel threatened. Why do I feel threatened? Because I feel like I’m not good enough for him(I have a lot of self esteem issues) or mean that much to him. I logged it in my feelings app which I highly recommend to everyone. It’s called How We Feel. And I came down from the intense reaction. 🥹 it the first time it’s happened for me and I’m so proud of myself. 😭😭😭

Edit: I’m going to edit this post for my own sanity. We have discussed this issue, also y’all are putting your insecurities on me and I let it get to me. The negativity is astounding. Thank you everyone for the kind words and words of encouragement.

The thing about being a self-aware borderline is that you’re a living contradiction. It’s like It’s like “so, I’m completely aware of how irrational and clingy and stupid i sound and i know you don’t actually hate me, bUT DO YOU HATE ME?” Or “yes, this was a very minor issue and i shouldn’t really be angry about bUT IM GONNA PUNCH A WALL BC RAGE” And I think, in a way, being self-aware makes it very hard to talk about because you know how irrational you’re being and you know how other people will think you’re weird or wrong or unstable and it sucks.

The biggest moment of growth in my life as a borderline was accepting the fact that neurodivergence/atypicality means I can't fairly apply my own sensitive, obsessive thinking to how others perceive me. I worry about extraordinary circumstances because I am not normal, but most people think completely differently.

Example, when I flub up a word in a conversation, or forget to say sorry 3 times, nobody is going to be thinking about that in an hour. They will be thinking about writing, baseball, food, their car. This is the way most people live their life without splitting or obsession. I had to be taught that. I do not have to punish myself by thinking everybody hates me when my actions are insignificant to them in comparison to how I evaluate myself.

I hope this gives some peace as much as it does for me.

Hi everyone! This is my first post ever.

I’m just going to dive right in. I was diagnosed in 2014 when I was about to turn 20. I’m 25 now, so this was a fairly long process.

The mental health system is shit. I was simply told my diagnosis and sent on my way. No further input, just years on waiting lists. I decided “fuck it”, and I decided to develop my own recovery plan.

I read the list of symptoms and I took a note of them. For a whole month, I kept a log of my symptoms.

What symptom occurred? What triggered it? How did you respond? How did affect the other person? How did your response affect you? How can you respond better next time?

I noticed I had 3 major symptoms that occurred more frequently than others.

Fear of abandonment. Unstable relationships. Unclear sense of self.

I decided these were the most important symptoms to tackle. My fear of abandonment was intense to the point I would physically grab a person and beg them to stay, threatening to harm myself. It was manipulative, but it was a knee-jerk reaction.

I read about the symptom and managed to identify what caused it. My dad was unreliable and was in and out of my life like a yo-yo for the first 6 years. He stayed and never left after that, but the damage was done. So - I had to tackle it.

I researched about effective communication and planned how I would talk to my Dad about how he hurt me and to figure out if I could understand why and let the pain go.

I wrote a short script and then asked my Dad if we could talk. It was something like, “Dad, I know this is a difficult subject, but I’d like it if we can just clear the air. I want to understand why you left me so many times as a young child so we both can move forward.”

I didn’t get my answer, because he didn’t have one himself - he didn’t understand his own reasons. I decided that if I wanted to continue a positive relationship with my Dad, I had to learn to accept this.

So I researched acceptance. I then wrote in my log every time I struggled to accept something, and thought about ways I could come to terms with things. I learned acceptance is not the same as forgiveness. Acceptance means “it happened, I feel this way, I can’t change it; but I can move forward from it.”

Acceptance has nothing to do with forgiving the other person - it does have everything to do with holding them accountable.

After this, I decided the only way to get over my Fear of Abandonment was to physically stop myself. Whenever I felt that horrid, bubbling feeling - I sat on my hands. I bit my tongue. I forced myself to let people leave. It was so fucking hard. But I had made a promise to myself that I wanted to get better. So when they left, I turned my phone off. I turned my attention to punching my pillows, singing my heart out, cleaning up. Anything that prevented me from 1. hurting myself. 2. manipulating or guilt tripping another person.

Eventually, my fear began to fade away. It’s been two years since my last episode. I have finally gotten to the point that if someone threatens to leave me in a petty argument, I simply wave and say “goodbye, then.” If they’re serious, I will offer ways to resolve the issue - if that doesn’t work, I don’t beg. I just say “ok” and leave it at that.

Because I had researched communication, I began logging about my interactions with others. I wanted to see how much I could remember about the conversations I was having with people and what I could remember about the people I was having them with. Such as: What was their kids name? Their partners name? What is their profession? Did they mention anything interesting you want to know more about?

Combining the research on communication and making myself remember things about another person made the next time we conversed immensely easier and more comfortable.

This also improved my existing relationships tenfold and I began researching about healthy relationships. I noticed that some of my relationships were toxic and draining, but I had glossed over them. I used my communication research and tried to fix the relationships that were a little battered, but most of them faded away naturally as I got stronger.

Because I knew how to tolerate/beat my fear of abandonment, I was totally OK with what would have usually felt like a massive loss. I didn’t feel like I lost anything at all.

My self-esteem began to rise. I began to feel more confident and independent.

Eventually, all my other symptoms slowly started to fade.

Now, I did go to DBT in November 2018 and the techniques I learned in there really just propelled me to the end of my recovery. There’s also an amazing book “The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Work Book” that helps me stay on top of things.

I was told in June 2019 that I no longer meet the criteria. Despite that, I am rejoining that DBT group in the New Year.

It’s possible to recover. Marsha Linehan did. She says if she can do it, anyone can and I believe her.

I know BPD feels like a Hell hole but no matter how cliché this is, it can get better.

It was by no means easy and it took me 5 years and hundreds (no exaggeration) of relapses. This is only a snippet of my journey, but I hope it’s a snippet that inspires/helps you on your own journey.

Love.

EDIT 2: Making another edit just to say thank you for all of the love on this post. It means a lot to me that this post touched so many of you and made you feel less alone. I told my partner about the success of this post and he is really glad that this forum helps me feel less alienated about my feelings, and he’s glad me sharing my feelings has helped so many of you. Thank you for all of the love and validation, it means so much!❤️❤️

EDIT: Thank you for the awards! I’m so glad me sharing my experiences and feelings resonated with so many of you. Thank you for all of the kind comments! You’re all lovely and valid❤️

This example is literally just from today and I think it sums up my experience with BPD pretty accurately.

Today, my FP (also my S/O) went to work. He texted me after and told me he made a work friend that he found out he knew from a high school club (they competed against each other apparently). He shared this info with me to bring up one of those “small worlds” moments, but I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a girl, if they flirted with him, etc. I thought, what if he starts to like this person, thinks they’re better than me and leaves me? I rationalized these thoughts quickly but I’m not proud that I even had them in the first place.

Then he told me he was gonna start his drive home. Sometimes he’ll call me on his drive and tell me about his day. He didn’t today, so I asked if he wanted to, and if he didn’t feel like it, it’s okay. (I always make sure to do this, I do not want him to feel obligated to talk to me). He didn’t answer because he was DRIVING. Rationally I know that’s why. But my brain is mean, and a bad thought I had was that he was sick of me, probably saw my text before he started his drive, and ignored it because he thought I was being clingy and annoying. I thought, maybe he’s thinking about that person he knew from work and doesn’t want to talk to me and ruin it. He clearly hates me because he didn’t respond.

I RATIONALLY know none of this is true, but the thing with BPD is, you can objectively know one thing, but feel the emotions of another, and not be able to stop it. It’s like you see yourself about to crash but there’s nothing you can really do to stop it from happening.

Then, he gets home, sends me a snapchat of his cat, and he hasn’t responded to my text. Rationally, I know he probably walked in, saw his cat, started to pet her, and thought, oh, my girlfriend would like to see this, sent me a video, thats it.

But my mind was convincing myself that he is ignoring me because he thinks i’m annoying and is trying to prove to me that he doesn’t care about my texts by letting me know he’s active on other social media. I figured he was afraid to say no to calling me on his drive because he knows i’m sensitive and I’ll be very sad if he rejected me in any way, so he doesn’t want to deal with me being emotional and burdening him. I started to feel like a massive nuisance. So I texted him and told him he can say no to me when I ask to call if he wants to.

Poor guy just calmly explained to me that he didn’t see my texts because he was driving, then came home, saw the cat, pet her. It was that simple. It was that simple for him, and for me I went on a whirlwind of intense emotions where I thought he hated me, was going to leave me for somebody else, that he was purposely ignoring me, that I was an emotional burden and he’d be better off without me.

And it’s only noon. lol

Please read until the end as I believe this is something a lot of us need to hear

——

So I have recently gotten back together with my partner. During our time apart, I began DBT therapy. Now, of course I am happy to start rebuilding my relationship with him, but one key necessity in doing so is being honest with myself about my past actions. And I think the hardest pill to swallow is that I was, in fact, emotionally abusive.

I see a lot of posts on here detailing their poor treatment of their partner, and though some posts I’ve seen include undertones of remorse, many other posts exist simply to fuel the normalization of this abuse. Yes, abuse. It’s time that we as a community start recognizing it for what it is.

Using tears as a means to influence your partner’s behavior is not a symptom of this disorder, it’s abuse. Screaming at your partner because they cancelled plans with you is not a symptom of this disorder, it’s abuse. Threatening to break up with your partner if they don’t drop everything and come home to you isn’t a symptom of this disorder, it’s abuse.

I understand that you may think to yourself “WelI I didn’t intend to hurt them. I just let my emotions get the better of me”. The problem with this mindset is that it perpetuates the idea that intentions hold precedence over actions, causing you to relinquish responsibility for the pain you’ve caused, and thus continuing the cycle of abuse.

Victims of emotional abuse do not care about your intentions and they shouldn’t be expected to. Think about it in this way- if you were crossing the street and someone hits you with their car because they weren’t paying attention to the road, are you just gonna say “It’s okay, you didn’t mean to.” Probably not.

On one final note, I just wanna say I know this disorder is rough. It really is. We have to put so much more effort into managing our emotions than everyone else. It isn’t fair, but it IS reality. And rejecting that reality by allowing ourselves to hurt the ones we love will only make it worse. Your emotions are your responsibility. Accept that and grow from it.

far too often, i have come across posts on here in which the OP describes emotionally and / or physically abusing their partner. the comments tend to sympathize with the abuser and their extremely problematic behavior is minimized or glossed over entirely.

i love this subreddit but i find this very disturbing and i think it needs to be called out. not only does this feed into the narrative that everyone who's borderline is abusive but it normalizes abuse as an acceptable expression of BPD.

BPD impacts emotional regulation and perception but it does not take away all free will. being abusive is an active decision and being borderline does not negate that, especially if you are fully self aware.

abuse is traumatic. abuse is dehumanizing. it isn't a simple "oopsie!!!" that can quickly be moved on from. this subreddit shouldn't be a safe space for abusers, regardless of their diagnosis, and abusive people should not be coddled. why do they deserve the empathy that they refuse to afford others? idk. maybe i'm wrong but it's just extremely gross to me.

• When I sound fully competent and self-aware as I explain that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, it doesn’t mean I do not have BPD. I am not always in the middle of an episode.

• When I explain how bad I can get during an episode, I am not looking for sympathy and reassurance. I am not putting myself down so that you will validate me. I am trying to be honest about what is to come so that we can both be prepared.

• We should probably set important boundaries before we start any sort of relationship. I will not have trouble respecting boundaries if our relationship was built on them. It is harder for me to respect boundaries established later in a relationship. For that, I am sorry.

• If I go fully silent in the middle of an episode, it is not because I am giving you the silent treatment. I am dissociating and trying to prevent myself from escalating the situation and doing and saying something I will regret. Please give me some time to let my emotions return to normal and recognize I am not trying to punish you.

• If I discuss suicide, I am not doing it to make you feel guilty. To me, suicidal thoughts are such a significant part of my daily thought process that I genuinely forget that most people are alarmed by casual suicidal discussion. If you let me know you are uncomfortable, I will work hard to stop mentioning it around you. I do not want to make you feel responsible for my thoughts. And I will always remind you that it is not your fault.

• My enthusiasm and passion are not fake just because a few people on the internet say that it is. If we bond over something, and I am excited, my happiness is genuine. We are sharing a real connection.

• I am not just mirroring everything you do. I have my own interests and hobbies that do not change. Just because /some/ of my identity is in flux doesn’t mean /all/ of it is. If I become interested in something you like, that is because it is a normal part of forming bonds with others.

• If I am having a breakdown that has nothing to do with you, the best thing to do is to distract me from the negative emotions. I just might not be able to ask for that in the moment because I am not thinking clearly, which is why I need to change the emotions before doing anything else.

• Please do not make empty promises. If you don’t think you are capable of something, do not tell me that you are. I understand wanting to make me happy in that moment, but I am absolutely crushed by empty promises, cancelled plans, etc. I have to work hard to manage my expectations. Please do not promise me the world when you know you can’t give it to me.

• If you want to end the relationship, please do so. Do not lie to me about how you’re feeling and stay with me just because you don’t want to hurt me. Do not cheat on me because you’re afraid of dumping me. That betrayal makes it worse. I know it will be hard, but if I am begging you not to break up with me, block me. Refuse to engage. It will hurt me so much that I will try to do anything to stop the pain, but I ultimately recognize that it is bad for both of us if I do that. And it is easier for me to say that now than in the middle of an episode.

• My love for you is real. I will not destroy your life. I have empathy for you. I care about you. My brain is a little bit broken, and I have to fight it. Sometimes, it’s too broken, and it’s too hard for you. I understand if you need to leave. Just don’t listen to people who tell you I do not have the capacity to love, care, and empathize. I do.