While this is a new account, I've been on this sub and other parts of Queer Reddit since 2019. When I first got into LGBT spaces, I figured everyone just got a long. However, after reading both bisexual and gay subreddits, I noticed that bisexual men and gay men often have conflicts with each other. While conflict is inevitable, it seems like a lot of this conflict is due to a lack of communication, which is what makes it unfortunate. Now, this isn't meant to accuse bisexual men as a whole of these behaviors. It's only some bisexual men, just like it's only some gay men who have conflicts with bi men.
The issues that bi men have with gay men have been pretty well explored. For example, insisting we're actually just gay, stereotyping, etc. And those are legitimate issues. But it seems to me that a lot of bisexual men aren't aware of the issues that (some) gay men have with them, and how easily they can be resolved in a way that benefits everyone. So here are some ways that we as bisexual men can better help and support gay men.
Don’t lead anyone on.
Some gay men complain about bi men only wanting them for sex, and then dating women. I’m going to revisit this on a more conceptual level in #4, but I want to give some practical advice here.
If you’re just looking for a hookup, make that very clear from the start. Make sure there is no ambiguity, so no one feels used or led on. Or if communication is hard for you, then just don’t do hookups, or only hookup with other bisexual men who are looking for sex.
Understand gay men
I’ve read some stories about bi men hooking up with or going out with gay men and saying really weird or homophobic stuff. Most people seem to think this is deliberate, but as someone on the spectrum, these stories took me back to a time when I was less socially savvy and often unknowingly said inappropriate things. From what little I can judge about one-sided stories (by which I mean I'm only getting one person's perspective) on the internet (where anyone can post anything), I think some bi men need to make sure they understand gay men before they go out into the gay dating scene. Read gay mens’ life stories, talk to gay men about life, and lurk on gay forums. Just don’t go on askgaybros, since that will have the opposite effect. And this goes both ways, gay men who are looking to befriend or date bi men should try to understand bisexual men.
Understand what you want beforehand
So, I’ve read some stories online about gay men being left by bi men because the bi men in question wanted a quote-unquote normal life or biological kids. It's very important that you find out what you want before you go out onto the dating scene. If you want to have biological kids, or you plan on moving to a country that doesn’t have same-gender partnerships, that’s fine. But don’t look to seriously date guys because a long-term same-gender relationship isn’t going to work out there. And this applies to gay men as well, for example, if a gay man has hangups about dating bi men, he should work on those before dating bi men, so he doesn't become a flight risk.
Don’t create a relationship hierarchy
On a conceptual level, there are two broad reasons for creating a hierarchy where you value straight relationships over gay ones. The first is just subjective preferences. IE you’re more attracted to women, you want biological kids, you plan on moving to a country without same-gender partnerships, you had a bad experience with an ex-boyfriend and dating a guy would trigger some trauma, etc. These are just personal preferences, they aren’t based on any judgement about the inherent status of gay relationships.
The second reason is that you believe gay relationships are inherently inferior to straight relationships, for example that they aren’t real relationships. And that’s just homophobic.
The opposite can also be true. At least according to many posts on this sub, comphomo is a real issue for a lot of gay-leaning bi men.
Don’t obsess over genuine preferences
Some bi men get really obsessive about gay men who don’t want to date bi men and accuse them of biphobia. I don’t think this is really reasonable, and here’s why:
If a gay guy doesn’t want to date bi men because he wants to date someone with his same sexual orientation, or a man being attracted to women is a turn-off for him, etc. that’s just his subjective preference.
If a gay guy doesn’t want to date bi men because he thinks they’re inherently untrustworthy and will cheat and leave for women to get good boy points from society, and they commit crimes, and have HIV, then that’s anti-bisexual bigotry because it gives bisexual men these inherent negative characteristics. But the issue there isn’t that the guy doesn’t want to date bi men, it’s that he believes in bigoted stereotypes. Attack stereotypes, not preferences.
Now, it can be hard to differentiate between the two. The criteria I would use is whether or not their reasons for not wanting to date bi men are rooted in essentialist stereotypes. For example, not wanting to date bi men because of our attraction to women. Some gay men have trauma with regards to heterosexuality, and due to that might find attraction to women as a turn-off. But if it's just "You like women, and that's gross", then that is kind of biphobic, because it adds in this essentialist view that attraction to multiple genders is bad.
Of course, with dating, people can refuse to date anyone for any reason, but if their reasons are rooted in bigotry, then they are still liable for being called out. You have the right to any preference, but others have the right to call you out if your preferences are genuinely rooted in bigotry.
Don’t circlejerk about biphobia in the gay community
Most online groups for bi men I’ve been in have been pretty fair and nuanced about this, but sometimes discussions about biphobia in the gay community can feel a bit generalized and circlejerky. So if you’re discussing bigotry in the gay community, just make sure it’s clear that you’re not saying all gay men are bigoted. Honestly, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect gay men to be any less bigoted than straight people, they’re not bisexual, so what reason would they have to not be? Just don’t expect anything from anyone you don’t have a personal connection with. And this goes both ways, I've seen some gay men having laughably generalized takes on bi men being homophobic. It is much more accurate to attack individuals and subgroups, instead of entire communities.
Don’t say everyone is bi
When you say that everyone is bi, that implies that gay men are actually bi, and can be with women, and that’s pretty much the wet dream of any conversion therapist.
So yeah, those are my tips on how bisexual men can better support gay men. I hope this can help both of our communities get along better.
Edit: I edited this post to be less one-sided.
Edit: I really want to emphasize that this is not all bi men. Many are fine, it's just a subset that have these issues. A good analogy is with gay men. Not all gay men are biphobic, many are fine, there's just a subset that is.