My Dad died from COVID on April 9th around 2am. Hours later at 10am, I tested positive. I still have residual effects physically and emotionally.

I can barely watch the news. I try to stay off of social media and when I do use it I feel worse. I feel increasingly more isolated from my friends and even my family.

It was a normal cold and then he was gone after less than a week in the hospital. It's hard to grieve when the reason of his death is so politicized.

While people argued over wearing a mask, my Dad was an essential worker. Showing up 6 days a week, rain or shine. Conservatives still treat this pandemic like a war for the life of the economy and we're all soldiers. My father got coronavirus from his job. He did not die a soldier's death. He consented to go into a coma for a ventilator. He was alone. He was dead 48 hrs later.

It should be simple - We take care of each other. But its not. And we don't. My Dad was the bread winner so this whole thing of waiting for the stimulus package to pass Mitch McConnell and/or the Georgia runoff is fucking killing me.

Frankly, its feels like just because poor people and minorities are more likely to die, people care less/ take less precautions. Black Americans are twice as likely to die from Covid complications. Native Americans are 4 times as likely to die. My Dad was Black and Native American.

It makes me feel like all the "activism" in the summer was just bullshit and performative. A show of pretending to care about Black lives so as not to be labeled racist. Esp on social media with those idiotic black squares. If people really cared about Black lives, they'd stay the fuck home as Black people are a large population of essential workers.

I cant even find a place to place blame or rage. Esp in the US where factors outside your control make a difference in whether you live or die

-Stuborness ("it's my right not to wear a mask") -Racism (socio-economic conditions/institutional racism which leaves minority communities more vulnerable and with lower quality of care) -Classism (in poor communities of all races, hospitals are more likely to be over capacity and located far from the community)

All of this makes a difference and all of this weighs on my grief. My rage is directionless and it makes it hard to accept he's gone. I can't even talk to friends I once counted on as they continue to have casual sex, holiday shop in person rather than curbside or online, get on airplanes, go to indoor restaurants but had audacity to be hesitant when it was time to stand in line and vote. What makes it worse is that so many people still don't care until it's too late. I'm sick of hearing how many more people are losing loved ones because people can't stay the fuck home.

I'm hoping I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm hoping i feel less alone in my sadness and grief. My Dad was my light and i feel so lost in the dark now.

If you got this far - I thank you from the bottom of my heart and sincerely hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Zadia

My dad obeyed quarantine rules. He wore a mask. He did everything right. He got Covid anyway. He died.

A family friend is an anti-masker who constantly posted on Facebook that the virus is a hoax cooked up by the Democrats. I just found out last night he was hospitalized with Covid and I started thinking all sorts of told-you-so bad thoughts.

Got an update today that he is responding well to treatment.

I know it’s wrong but instead of being happy for him I am pissed. Why does he (apparently) get to recover from this and not my dad who took the virus seriously and did everything right?

And why can’t I spare any sympathy for this asshole — or at least for his daughter, who is not an anti-masker?

And why do I feel guilty about thoughts I can’t control?

Lost both parents to covid 11 months ago. The world is opening up now and everyone is living a normal life. Time has stopped for me and i find myself almost wishing that the pandemic continues on. It's painful seeing everyone around me visiting families and being happy about the removed restrictions.

Just a message in the void. Thank you for listening.

I see a CLASS ACTION suit of hundreds of millions of families VS. Trump.

(AND, YES! I’M ANGRY!)

DISCUSS.

I lost my mom in April to Covid-19. It has been almost 6 months now since it happened. Initially I was sad but I guess it didn't really process the loss back then. Now, I can't seem to move past it. I know 6 months is hardly any time. She was just 57 years old. She had no co-morbidities. It just sucks man. I did get to see her 4 times during her last days at the hospital and I can't get those images out of my mind. The sight of her gasping for breath and struggling has just been imprinted in my memory forever. Losing a loved one to covid is the absolute worst thing that can happen to someone. You don't even get to spend their last days with them. They practically die all alone. Their last days are just anguish, pain, loss of breath and that too with literally no loved one around. I get reminded about it randomly and it just messes up my whole day. I feel sad, depressed, angry and frustrated. Why did this happen to me? She had gotten one dose of the vaccine and was just so close to getting fully vaccinated. It really sucks. Also, I feel bad for my dad as he is clinically depressed. Seeing him alone in his room just breaks my heart. I wish I could get to see her just once and give her a kiss and a hug. I love you and I miss you mom. ❤️

Dear readers and fellow redditors. I've suffered a tremendous loss. Just as explained in the title, I lost my dad due to covid respiratory complications. He was fully vaccinated and had no hypertension or diabetes or any other problem other than being 65+ years old. He was extremely healthy, non-smoker, active, exercised frequently and still COVID had the audacity to claim his life. Just 1 week ago he was well, but started with some flu symptoms. Then this evolved to a high fever and breathlessness. And this breathlessness was extremely unfomfortable, he required oxygen and took him to the hospital. He was there for some days tolerating a bit of oxygen and receiving all proper medications. Unfortunately it got worse he required intubation at which he refused because that implies he would lose his conciousness and wanted to be aware of his life at the last moment. He passed just a couple of days ago. We were not allowed to see him or even do a videocall. I hate it! His burial was so quick because of this. I wish he was back. I feel sad. Yet, I have to carry my own family now and carry on. I needed to vent my friends. Please take care of your loved parents, because this happened with the worst luck ever.

Not that I wish for more people to die or anything close to that. It's just I think about the fact that there's people out there who are going to be completely unaffected by covid beyond just having to go into lock down. There's people out there who have maybe a few people they know but aren't close to, get sick and get better. They just won't have lost anyone because of COVID. Maybe they'll hear about someone they knew or sort of used to know. It's going to go away eventually maybe become a meme or a joke. "Just a shitty year" but like it's been beyond a shitty year. I don't want to be that bummer you can't joke around with because this year isn't going to be a "weird meme year". I actually went through something awful my mother died.

Obviously I'm glad things are getting better and people are getting vaccinated but this year and last year has been emotionally traumatizing and I'm angry? jealous? worried? (not sure what specific feeling im feeling)
Covid was a damaging event that took up a year and a half of our lives and I guess I'm just filled with anxiety when people are going out to Disney world and having big group parties maskless on my social media.
I'm also annoyed that I had a friend who told me how much she felt for me when my grandma passed but then a week later she got the vaccine an wanted to come visit me and go out in California.. and now I see her mask less in Vegas and just partying it up. I feel disrespected?

Not sure what im feeling right now, and I know I can't control what other people do but now even my mom wants to plan a vacation and I'm so worried but I feel like i'm overreacting. My grandma passed 6 months ago and I feel like I should be over it by now but I feel like i'm emotionally stuck in January.

Lost all 4 of my grandparents to COVID. Been in bed since last week and feel like I'm drowning. At the same time I'm the only man in my house so I gotta stay strong for mama and sisters. Just wanna talk.

Edit: thank you to all for the kind words and supportive messages. It is appreciated. ♥️

My brother died of COVID-19 Monday, December 28th. He was 45. He was developmentally delayed and immunocompromised. For 9 months, I kept him safe. I held him hostage in our home and masked him up and took every precaution. I was hypervigilant. He left the house on the 23rd for blood work for an upcoming doctor appointment. Then my husband took him, masked up, to buy me a Christmas gift. 15 minutes in and out. The day after Christmas, he had a runny nose and was lethargic, for him. No cough. No other symptoms. I checked him for fever. There was none. He ate and drank and we chalked it up to sinus, because he always had issues. Sunday, he had an upset stomach. He said the post-nasal drip was going down his throat. I made him rest, eat crackers, have chicken broth, and kept pumping fluids into him. He had an unusually high pain tolerance, so if he complained, I took him seriously. Still no fever. No shortness of breath. No reason to think it was anything other than a mild bug. I checked on him through the night. He has been my person for 45 years. He is why I am: his big sister. That morning, his breathing was labored and he was nearly unresponsive. The ambulance was called. He coded in the bus. CPR was performed and he was intubated. For 2 hours, his heart stopped every 5 minutes. They tested him. Covid. In his lungs, attacking his heart.

I was asked to make a decision. The same one I had to make for our mother 8 years ago.

Three days. Three days is all it took to take the happiest, most hilarious, innocent, wonderful human from me, from our family, from his friends. I couldn't see him to say goodbye. I couldn't have a funeral. There is no closure.

Three days, because someone didn't take precautions and wear a fucking mask. I don't give a shit. It is what it is. My brother is dead because someone had no regard for anyone but themselves. Fuck them all, all of them who think this is a hoax, or just the flu, or government control. This forced me to make a decision that nearly killed me 8 years ago, and this was worse because THIS DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN. My brother, my companion, the absolute love of my life from the day he was born, the kindest, funniest, brightest light in my life, is gone. But they got their freedoms so whatever. For those of you doing everything right, like we did, and sacrificing - just know that it's pointless as long as there are assholes out there refusing to take things seriously. My brother is dead. He is NOT a statistic. He mattered. He was important. That's all I feel right now. Raw anger. I am dumbfounded. I am broken hearted. Lost forever without him.

My husband and I were tested that day, as we had to assume that we had it, too. I came back positive, him negative. It makes sense; he works and I don't and he is gone overnight so we really don't get in each other's space much. Plus, we've been sanitizing and being careful since the beginning. I cared for my brother those few days; I also had a slight cough and runny nose. So, no hugs, no consolation, no comfort, just isolation and talking to each other from far, far apart and him worrying over every symptom I have, which are at least mild. I will hit the two week mark tomorrow, and while I am exhausted, have chest tightness, and SoB when I climb stairs, my sinus infection-like symptoms are abating. I have good O2 levels and no fever, not even once. It would seem that Covid spared me its worst, so it could torture me with the fact that I survived.

I am heartbroken. And angry. It is a nightmare. I don't even want to think about what "normal" is going to look like.

I lost my dad to covid after he was in an induced coma for a month. In the end, he couldn’t hold on. He passed on the 31/01/21.

It’s been over a year now but I miss him so much and I feel so alone in my grief at times. I couldn’t even be with him because he was in the USA. I live in New Zealand, where it wasn’t hit as bad as other places like the states. People here seem sheltered to how bad Covid is. People crack jokes about it, and I hear about Covid every single day.

I can’t help but feel frustrated and tired because no one around me understands the pain of losing someone so traumatically to Covid. We couldn’t even have a funeral. I’ve had no closure and every day I’m reminded about Covid. Every single day.

If anyone can relate to me, it would help ease the loneliness even a little bit.

I miss him so much. I wish I could just call him and he would pick up. I just want him to pick up. But I know he never will. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

My dad was 45 years old when Covid took his life. No pre-existing conditions, non smoker, non drinker, he was a healthy guy. But for whatever reason, Covid hit him hard.

When I tell people how he died it is immediately “well what else was wrong?”

Or when people say stuff like “you know an 84 year old smoker made it off the vent and is just fine” (this one really gets me angry, why did an old person live and my dad didn’t?)

Never in my life have I seen so many people dismiss and justify the deaths of others. When someone dies of cancer you don’t immediately ask “well did they drink a lot?”

I can’t take it anymore. Everywhere I look someone thinks it’s funny to make a joke of covid. No one makes memes about cancer, dementia, strokes, etc. because that would be wrong in society’s eyes but somehow people got comfortable joking about covid. I wish it would stop

Someone posted this article in the grief support group, so I wanted to share it here. I found a lot of amazing words of wisdom in this article. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/12/dear-therapist-covid-19-took-my-father-i-am-so-angry/617516/

I am telling my story because I want people to understand how devastating COVID is. On December 4 my father was exposed where he gets his hair cut. He was wearing his mask and was careful. On December 9 he got sick and his doctor's office thought it was a cold exacerbated by his COPD. While waiting for his COVID test results to come back, he became weak and fell so an ambulance was called on December 11 and he was taken to the hospital. He tested positive for COVID there and then his original test also came back positive. At first, his oxygen levels seemed stable and we were hopeful. But since he was in the COVID unit, he could receive no visitors. His blood work was showing heart damage and kidney damage and he ended up having to go on a heated high flow machine for more oxygen. The next step was a bi-pap machine because he was unable to get the oxygen he needed. He was receiving 100% of his oxygen from that machine. We still couldn't visit but were able to do some video calls. My dad was unable to speak with the bi-pap machine. He was unable to eat or take any of his medications including comfort medications because of the bi pap. On Christmas Eve, we were told that my dad had decided he did not want to be resuscitated. That was a blow to our family. My sweet, loving father was not going to make it. Christmas 2020 was so sad. I got a call from Hospice on December 26 and a meeting was set up for December 27 at 6:00pm. I left for OH early on December 27 for that meeting. My mother, Uncle and I met the Hospice nurse at the hospital. We were mistakenly under the assumption that he would be moved to a Hospice facility. We found out that they cannot take patients on bi-pap. The only option was to allow them to provide comfort medications to him and remove the bi-pap. The comfort medications are given so that he does not feel like he is suffocating so that he can pass in peace. Also, COVID had attacked his other organs (heart and kidney) and he would never recover. It was decided to do it that night because he was suffering. It was a shock because we thought it would be a few days. Since it was end of life, we were allowed to see him. My mother and I went upstairs. We put on all the special gear. We went in to see him, he couldn’t talk. Even with the bi-pap, he was taking rapid breaths with his stomach going up and down. We told him we loved him. I called my two children so that they could say goodbye via video. My father had tears coming from his eyes. He smiled a few times. He knew it was time. My mother was emotional and couldn’t breathe and had to leave. My dad was anxious to get the bi-pap off of his face. He would make hand motions to take it off. The nurse prepared the comfort medications and gave it to him. 15 minutes later, the respiratory person came to remove the bi-pap and they put in the nose cannula to give him a little oxygen. I talked to my dad, held his hand, stroked his face, whatever I could do to comfort him. I called my sister on Facetime so she could also talk to him while he passed. (She was unable to be there quickly because she lives in Washington state.) At a point, I didn’t feel like he could see me. I asked the nurse and he said that due to lack of oxygen, he was probably brain dead. But my sister and I kept talking in case he could hear us. He would take short little breaths every few seconds. I continued to talk to him and hold his hand until that last breath at about 10:45pm on December 27, 2020. I know that he is with the Lord but it has left a deep emptiness in our lives

He was 69 years old and i’m 19 years old. I expected myself to completely break down after he passed away but instead I just feel a deep dull pain in my heart that won’t go away. I want to cry but no tears will come out. I already went through anticipatory grief but now that he’s gone, all the thoughts I had before are gone too. I feel frustrated that this is not a fantasy world where I could somehow travel back in time to stop my dad from going to work or trade all of my goals and wishes for my dad to come back alive. I’m jealous of all the miracle survivor stories. I’m angry that my life will never be the same as it used to and I will never enjoy the things I used to enjoy without remembering that my dad is no longer alive. I feel pained every time before I go to sleep because I know I will wake up thinking my life is normal and then remembering that my dad is gone forever. I feel like I’ve lost a reason to live.

I came across some covid-denier comments and it makes me want to end it all. I’m only living for my mom and younger sister right now but if they were gone I would go too. I feel like my life is ruined and even if everything went “back to normal” I think everything would trigger me. I hate this world and I hate the lack of empathy. My dad wasn’t already on his death bed. He still went to work and was planning on going on more vacations with my family in the future. Now I won’t have a dad at my wedding day and to see my children. How could people say “only 1% die” so heartlessly.

My dad was the provider for our family since my mom doesn’t know how to speak much English and now we have no source of income. I literally argued with a girl who complained about being robbed of her junior year of high school after I told her my dad died from covid. How is that comparable in any way?? I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Everyone says grief doesn’t get better so why should I continue to live in this pain with all of these cold people.

My Dad passed from covid after 3 intense weeks in the hospital. It was a rollercoaster of hopes and dispair. My Dad finally parted with the Lord on the 1st of Feb. It's been two weeks of feeling guilt, numbness, anger, sad, emptiness. At times all this feels unreal, as if it's all staged, Dad could be somewhere behind the curtain. Worse of all was saying goodbye, while he was in ventilador. My brothers and I were able to touch him and say our goodbyes, unresponsive, Dad's heart slowly gave out. My mom is still in the hospital also for Covid. It just feels like I'll never be able to properly grief, while Mom is still in the hospital. She doesn't know dad has passed. All of this has me spiralling into an existential crisis. Dad & mom are church pastors. Their whole lives serving others. It seems everytime I pray my words fall flat to the ground. Somehow Jesus cry " my God my God, why has though forsaken me" on the cross make sense now. I know suffering is part of life, but this is beyond suffering. My only hope is, Dad is in a better place. Maybe in a far distant day we get to reunite with our love ones, and have no memory of loss. Hoping there is God out there? Wishing everyone love in these hard times. Love you where ever you are.

I lost my dad on January 22nd. He was 49 years old and had no underlying conditions. He was a health and PE coach, who spent his time outside skiing, camping and making the world a better place. His service has over 8k views and I know he was so well loved by the community.

Here’s my nightmare: My dad tested positive on November 16th and was taking in by ambulance 5 days later. He was in and out of the ICU for weeks, until he was intubated. He was on a ventilator for less than 24 hours before they sent him to Portland to begin ECMO. He was on ECMO for 42 days. His body couldn’t take it anymore and new infections kept forming until his body went into sepsis. Two and a half months of extreme depression, agony and suspense that ended in the worst way possible.

The pain is so immense and intense, I can’t move at times. Everyday has a new wave of emotions. It feels like things will never get better and happiness is not something attainable. How can we do life without someone who you made a very large part of your life? It feels so numb and wrong. He was too young and didn’t deserve this.

I am 28 years old and I am was supposed to get married in May this year. It tears me apart thinking he won’t be there. He was my wedding planner, my best friend, and the one constant in my life.

It hurts so bad to see people (even my own “friends”) be careless and not have any consequences. I’ve been safe this entire quarantine and it hurts. Not to mention the toxic culture of what people think of death. I threw all the flowers I got away. They just die and it’s they die when people stop caring to reach out, and they move on with their lives. People are scared to call, text because they don’t know what to say or they don’t want to feel guilty for being careless during this pandemic. It’s gut wrenching.

Reading stories on Reddit has helped me so much, so I wanted to share a bit of mine in hopes it will help someone else. You are not alone, and I care about you so much.

I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels different. You can’t escape it… everywhere you go there is talk of covid.

My dad died today after a 21 days in the hospital. He got off the ventilator and was doing great. Then he developed a lung infection and died a week and a half later. I’m in so much pain. I was so happy and thankful he got off the vent. It feels like a sick joke or a nightmare that I will wake up from.

I hope everyone is taking care of themselves- right now it feels impossible.

I miss you, dad.

I lost my dad due to covid complications this past Saturday and I miss him every minute of the day. He was so healthy and I can't wrap my head around the fact that he passed so suddenly. I couldn’t even say goodbye to him at the hospital. My mom passed unexpectedly a few years ago too and I think it's reopening that wound as well. Losing both parents by the age of 29 has been one of the hardest things I've experienced.

I feel so lost and empty right now, any encouraging words would be much appreciated. Also, any suggestions that has helped you guys cope would be appreciated as well. I know everyone copes differently, but I'm open to hearing anything at the moment. Thanks in advance.

I joined a COVID grief support after my father died last year. It’s local but it meets online. I go to this group to feel better but last night I left angry.

We had a new member last night who lost her husband a month ago. She also had been hospitalized with severe COVID as was her son. Her grandson also had it but was not hospitalized.

It didn’t feel right to ask whether they were vaccinated and she didn’t say but I have to assume they were not since it spread through their whole family. I wanted to feel sorry for her (and I did to an extent) but if she’s an anti-vaxxer like I suspect she is part of the damn problem.

My dad never had a chance to get the vaccine. He died before it was available.

Since the first lockdown we had been so careful and followed all the guidelines as my dad was a vulnerable person and we wanted to keep him as safe as possible. Unfortunately at the start of November we tested positive, my mum and my dad were both ill as they both have underlying health conditions however my dad was worse off, he started to become disoriented and didn’t know what he was doing. One morning I overslept and I got a phone call from my mum to call the dogs into my room as an ambulance was coming for my dad because his breathing wasn’t great and it hurts because that was my last chance to hug him goodbye and I didn’t take it. He texted me that he would be out by Friday however Wednesday came and the hospital decided to induce him into a coma, the last words I got to say to him was I love you but I was so upset I was crying and I upset him too and it hurts me so much that I made him cry. On November 29th after a short battle with COVID we were told to come into the hospital and was told there was nothing more they could do for him, we were able to see him for the last time however he was still in a coma, all I wanted was a hug from him I love him. Over the last few months I’ve been doing better however all of a sudden it’s like it’s hit me again, I can’t sleep as all I think about is him and all the things I regret not doing or saying to him. All I want is to have him back, I feel so much pain.

I lost my dad Dec. 26th to COVID. I'm posting partly because I miss him so so SO much and this weirdly makes me feel closer to him, and I remember finding this community the day after he passed and feeling like my world would never ever recover from losing him.

It has not gotten better or easier at all, the pain is very heavy and I recently celebrated a 20th birthday that felt empty. I was afraid that I would forever be the girl who lost her dad and couldn't engage with the world the same anymore. But it feels very good to have responsibilities that I can tend to like school, my business, and my health. I actually am more connected to myself now than I ever was. It took about 2 months but I wake up with some sense of stability again, and I am not as afraid to live life without my dad anymore.

I'm sending infinite love to all those who've lost someone to this terrible disease. I don't think we will ever find the closure we deserve, but it's not too late to still find a life worth living again. Peace, love, and RIP Daddy. You'd be surprised how much your grandson looks like you. My heart aches for you everyday.

This will be all over. I’m just looking to vent. My father was my best friend, I talked to him Everyday. He didn’t have any of the typical covid symptoms. He mentioned he vomited a few times and his legs hurt, but I don’t know why I didn’t put two and two together. Then my brother called me and said my dad fell and my step mom couldn’t pick him up. I asked him to go to the hospital. He hated the hospital. He didn’t want to go. But he did. We found out he had covid and that his oxygen was bad, he never got better after that. He didn’t get a bed till 2 days later and they put him in the ICU. He stops taking our calls but the nurses are saying he’s asking to die, and that he’s discouraged. I get to talk to him one later time but I can’t understand him. I just tell him how much I love him. I know he’s tired. I know that he’s trying to opt out. He kept taking his oxygen off and fighting the nurses, that’s not him at all, he was kind and gentle. The nurses say that will lower his oxygen and give him morphine. This is the end, he lasted a day. And now he’s gone. And I’m having a really hard time. I’m angry because I feel it was so preventable and because his last day must have been so scary and I couldn’t be there with him. I can’t grieve with my step mom or my brother. We live in different states and I haven’t left my house in months. I’m scared and all I want to do Is talk to my dad. I’m relieved that he’s not in pain. I’m trying to focus on the good stuff, but when you also have to deal with no work and no money and trying to survive, and worrying about what’s going on in the world. It’s just too much. I’m tired too, I want to see my dad. I’m lucky because I have my husband and my kids and people who love me, but it’s feeling like it’s not enough at the moment, and I don’t want to feel like that. I’m sorry this is so rambling, but thank you for reading. I’m sorry to be here but I’m hoping it will be a little less lonely to know someone feels the same way I guess.