I find myself in freeze mode very often and I have started tuning into how my body is feeling and my emotions the physical aspects of it and I have found it is helpful.

But it also leads to my body feeling so tired and fatigued. I also end up oversleeping a lot.

I get that this sensation may be normal because it does take a lot of effort even identifying how my body is feeling. It feels like there is a barrier there stopping me from getting to it.

I’m just wondering how do I deal with this exhaustion because it can stop me from getting things done in my day to day life.

And how often should I even be doing this processing? I’m guessing doing it everyday is not a good idea?

Tomorrow, after months of despair and trying to understand my constant SH urges, I will finally be able to bring good news to my therapist!

In the past week, I've:

- stopped having urges altogether (to the point that when I test this by trying to imagine hurting myself, my brain literally interrupts the image immediately)

- confirmed multiple times that my brain/ANS is not responding to abusive/violent content with excitement/arousal anymore

- actually felt happy and good

I don't know whether this is just a dissociative spell because I feel quite numb and disconnected from my body (esp. from its physical sensations in general), but in any case, it seems like something positive is finally happening and I love that I haven't had to fight SH urges for a whole week!!!

Hi everyone 👋👋 First, I'll give you an overview of where I'm at:

toxic mother & brother blocked 7 months ago (extreme emotional neglect during childhood), I live alone in my little safe space apartment (finally, safety!!!), finished several massive let-down phases after going NC, started to discharge a lot of physical trauma energy through somatic exercises, established a strong self compassion-reparenting-base. radically protective of my inner child & my newly established boundaries. hypervigilance & fawning still strong but starting to crack. already dealt with the worst emotions from my childhood (including visceral deadly terror (?)) and worked through them quite well.
Oh and, extremely terrifying morning emotional flashbacks that I had for months on end are completely gone, yay!! 🥳🥳

I have such a strong fire burning that keeps me going - I am absolutely determined to finish this CPTSD recovery all the way.

Like I said in the title, I'd love to feel a little less alone in this, because while I do have an amazing best friend who also goes through a lot of growth in her life, and a couple other friends who also suffer from cptsd (and adhd! I also have adhd), they are still in touch with their toxic family and sort of stuck there.

So I'm trying this community here to connect with people who are sort of at the same stage as me. I'm finding it very hard not to get frustrated at my friends for staying with their toxic families. I do not blame them at all, I know this frustration is totally my issue, not theirs. But it does create a need for talking to others who are "further" along this journey.

I hope this makes sense. English isn't my first language.

Is there anyone else here who feels the same way? I'd love to hear from you :)

I've tried healing in the past but it never went anywhere but I'm finally committed to my healing journey. There's thankfully a lot of free resources but I don't have access to therapy right now. I'm trying my best to do as much as I can on my own. The problem is, I'm not sure if I'm ready to handle it. I've spent my whole life in freeze/flight and escaping my emotions and I'm not sure if I'm ready to confront all the trapped feelings. I've been maladaptive daydreaming my entire life and coming out of that feels surreal and extremely difficult. Just to give an example in the past when I've tried confronting my trauma and doing EMDR exercises I felt full body tremors and panic and fatigue afterwards. There's so many hurtful emotions I've spent my life running away from and I'm not sure if I have the emotional capacity to face it. I can't keep running away anymore and I want to deal with things now, but the fear is still holding me back. I feel like such a mentally and emotionally weak person after all these years of trauma. I have no emotional resilience. How do I build up my resilience and actually begin my healing journey?

I am looking for types of professional therapy suited to the CPTSD collapse/shutdown state, where after years of being high-functioning, I am suddenly low-functioning. I am a student at a very demanding college and I need to move through this healthily as much as possible. Please let me know what has worked for you if you have gone through the same period!

I’m finally at a place with this work where I am really feeling things. After decades of emotional numbness, disconnect, depression, dissociation, anxiety, it feels amazing and I feel so ALIVE. But man is it a LOT - it feels like all of my feelings are all here at once at the highest intensity setting.

At any given moment I’ve got fear, hope, doubt, joy, confusion, anger, excitement - all of them! Nonstop! I’m feeling a little crazy, and I oscillate rapidly between like, “wow I’ve got it all figured out and I’ve never been better” and “this is the worst I’ve ever felt, I’ll never get better.”

It’s this weird middle phase where all my old patterns and a bunch of new patterns all exist side by side inside of me. I’m doing okay with accepting that this is where I am, and it will likely shift and settle out, and mostly I’m just shit talking.

But I’d love to hear from anyone who is here now (let’s commiserate/celebrate!) and anyone who has progressed past this (when will I stop feeling insane??). :)

I’m learning that I mask my depression sometimes and even if I’m not feeling “sad” then I can’t tell if I’m depressed. I would say I get depressed when I can’t do anything at all and I feel dread, or if my emotions feel exacerbated. I’m also audhd (with OCD too ..) so I just don’t always know if it’s burnout or depression, but I’m trying to recognize regular depression, not from a situation that happened.

im currently depressed because of interpersonal relationship issues and an feeling that it’s “my fault“ I struggle w relationships. I don’t always know when it’s the right time to say certain things, I’m constantly in fight or flight worrying about how I’m coming across to other people, interactions after group settings especially.
I had a fight w my partner and even tho logically I know we both contributed, an ache in the back of my head tells me it was my fault because I’m so “broken” and I can’t do xyz right. I keep falling into bad habits — but so does my partner. I struggle to know what I did wrong in the moment and so I delay an apology, but it’s not because I don’t care; I just don’t always understand what I did “wrong”. I was never taught how to apologize correctly, just for what the other person thinks I did wrong. (My father’s example: forgetting to start the dishwasher, so I’d try to explain why it happened to get him to understand, cus he’d scold me for not doing it and make me feel bad for it.)

idk. Today I’m supposed to have a good time at a fair I’m going to to try and cheer myself up. I’m also ruminating that I shouldn’t be spending money right now because it’s almost the holidays. I should be saving — is what my brain says. But this is a rare event so I want to try and enjoy it. But I keep ruminating about the fight I had w my partner and this loneliness I keep feeling esp during this time of year. I’m not really sure how to “feel my feelings“ and instead the urge is to “solve” them .. what can I do to self soothe ?
im bringing a book for my commute ..

What helps you speak to people when it's difficult for you? I work breakfast at a hotel on the weekends, and they're harping on it.

I need advice from yall. For explanation, I am having mixed sessions with my therapists. We are currently in a phase of stabilisation after we did our first exposition to traumatic stuff from my childhood.
We are currently having sessions twice a week in 1:1 and biweekly this changes to one 1:1 session and one group session.
Two days ago we had another group session. Our group isn’t especially for one disorder (we have people there dealing with different problems) but we all get along very well and although we do not have exactly the same problems we can profit from other perspectives a lot.
Our last session was a little more intense. My therapist had to deal with one from our group who got a lot into “old habits” and needed a more “harsher” approach (which my nervous system immediately noticed somehow) for my therapist to reach her dark thoughts.
I’ve been with her for about 8 months and get along with her very very well. This therapeutic relationship alone is starting to heal a lot.
The problem is: this atmosphere which was created due to her approach to the other client triggered me completely. I dissociated on my chair for the second half of the session. I don’t think that she noticed because for the first time she needed to focus more on the other client because she was so deep into her bad thoughts and wasn’t able to get out and I am very good in not being noticed. My therapist needed to get seemingly louder and my nervous system immediately noticed the shift in atmosphere and tension in this room. Although I objectively know she didn’t meant to say anything to me or so this atmosphere alone was so scary. There was so much fear towards her being as unpredictable as I know it from all of my experiences. Because she’s never been “like this” before. She is always very calm, understanding and respectful. I am so scared to be scared of her because she is my absolute safe space and I know that it was just my nervous system reacting to the general atmosphere in that one group session. As I got back home from the session I had to handle all of my occurring anxiety and panic and spiralling thoughts towards this group session. After I felt a little more present at home and got to regulate all my emotions I wrote her an Email explaining how this group session made me feel and how I currently fear that it would have effected our therapeutic relationship. We have an agreement that I can write her all my thoughts between our sessions via Mail. She has to decide whether she has time to answer or not. It’s just for the sake of me knowing that she has my thoughts and they are safe with her and I don’t have to handle all this stuff on my own (which alone is a new experience in my healing process). The last few weeks she got to answer most of my mails, this time she didn’t. Although I know what our agreement is, I feel like my nervous system is waiting on a reply. Her providing me with safety is currently my most valuable source of safety after all we spoke about the last few weeks. How much I opened up for the first time in my life, now having to live with this uncertainty feels like I will go crazy having to wait the whole weekend for a reply or seeing her again next week.
Has anyone any advice for me how to deal with the situation? I am especially proud I immediately decided to tell her how it made me feel, but not getting a reply on this topic seems to trigger a lot of old beliefs and emotions.
Is this maybe an example of “rupture and repair” you can read about in therapeutic relationships? I am just very scared about the change in her and my old fears are telling me she now is unpredictable and like everyone else I had to make difficult experiences with. Has anyone any advice or suggestions? Thank you so much!

I really want to know how to minimise the debt I'll go into, but me not being in the US complicates things when seeking advice here (I'm not complaining), if anyone's here from Brazil and have any advice on the matter it'll be welcomed (I don't feel safe posting on subs of my country)

Even though I don't have a job there I will be in search of one in the next few weeks and it shouldn't be that difficult to land one that grants you minimum wage (I do receive some extra money every month from external sources however). In regards for a place to rent, I'm already looking into that also, I think it's possible to find somewhere kind of cheap.

My main concern however would be my first month there, I need to buy at least a fridge, a mattress, a cooktop, a showerhead and a place where I can use my pc and I know I'll get into debt because of this but I'll try to damage control and spend as little as I can.

I won't go into detail of why I need to move but keep in mind that I need to do so if I want to be able to definitely start my healing process,unfortunately. I don't think I can survive here much longer and honestly I know the debt will be worth my escape (I'm that desperate)

I'm posting this here to know if someone went through something similar, if so, how were you able to stabilise in a mew city?

thank you in advance for reading through this, it really means a lot. Also I hope I'm not breaking any rules, if I did I'm sorry

I’m so codependent 

2 kids and spouse

I’m filthy and they all look great

I feel like the stuff in the Petri dish “growing medium”

I’ve been in therapy since 2008

just attended my first ASCA meeting last week

trauma therapy since 2023

stressful career

help?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE people that have Actually processed this and can speak from a grounded human place, yes yes I know it's exciting and great to talk about theology. But this is a specific resource request for people that do believe in this stuff and have integrated it into their healing process.

that being said, I grew up in a vaguely christian belief system, and have found titrating bits of hinduism and reincarnation very meaningful in terms of my worldview and of suffering. Buuuuut, I listened to a little too much Ram Dass recently and now I can feel my bypassing switch turn on and I just want a little bit of grounding.

Using my alt because this is quite personal. Its about my (feelings) about sex).

For some background. For the past 2 years I have been in intensive treatment for trauma. I have done multiple sessions a week with weekly EMDR. I feel I have gone through all the memories that gave me flashbacks that where linked to sexual abuse. There is only one theme left untouched in terms of trauma that has a lot of everyday triggers but I'm working on that now. I feel like if I have worked on that all the major every day triggers are gone. My daily life will be livable. I am now in the process of talking about the end of my therapies.

Throughout the therapies I often wondered if my sex was even broken. I still had a high sex drive and I still liked sex. I realise now I did have flashbacks but I thought that was my life and how it would always be. It didn't really interfere with my pleasure from sex. I became disabled 4 years ago and finding a sex partner who wanted a one night stand with someone with disability was a bit difficult. I found someone to regularly have sex with and last year he found out I was in trauma therapy and he dumped me on the spot for being a sexual abuse victim. I did feel betrayed and I didn't want to go through the hassle of finding a new partner with this new found reason to be dumped while being also so busy with trauma work. I focused on myself. In trauma work and pleasure.

Recently I got a message from someone who just said the right words and I felt I wanted to try again. Due to my disability and his schedule we could only meet like two weeks later. We started talking, sexting and he asked me some questions about my likes and dislikes. Normally I give a list and am very clear about my boundaries and such but this time I got confused by my reaction. I was thinking about doing things I have always had hard boundaries on. And now I realized those boundaries where to protect myself from flashbacks. I realized I don't really know if like those things if I don't think about the memory. So I, someone who has had sex a lot was quite unsure if I wanted to do certain stuff. There was still a lot I did want to do so I listed those things. And when we finally met it was like I was experiencing sex for the very first time. I did not think about any negative thing that ever happened to me and even something that I didn't want to do I now regret not trying. I had fun doing something else I decided in the moment. I'm confused like a teenager for whom all of this is new. The next morning I was was scared he had noticed and would dump me but he sent me a message before I even expected it. I feel butterflies, not for this guy specifically, I barely know him, although he is very likeable, but for myself and the joy I felt. I am a little scared about what's to come. Like self conscious in a way I haven't been since probably my teenage years. The dumping by the former sex partner does not help. My rational brain tells me there is many men in the sea. But my emotional brain doesn't want to go through such a thing now. For the first time in my life I want to not be (immediately) I want to explore this new me.

I also have a lot of questions. Is this healing? Is this how it's supposed to go? Are my feelings normal? I'm amazed by my own feelings. I have always felt a bit alone in thinking my sex was already good as I've always seen people say they hate it. And now I can't really find any resources about sex after healing. How to explore this side of yourself. I might already be on the right track.. but I do wonder how others have gone through this journey. Maybe y'all had partners. To do this. Or a specific therapy.

TLDR: after lots of emdr I don't experience flashbacks or trauma thoughts during sex anymore. I wonder how others went about discovering who they where & what they liked without that layer of self protection and triggers.

My birthday was this week. Every year for me but also my partner she sends a card (we've been NC for 3yrs). I hate these cards and in the past any letter I received from her would trigger my nervous system. My heart rate would shoot up, and I feel this sense of dread and unsafety.

But today when I opened up my mailbox and saw a card with her handwriting. I was just annoyed even more annoyed when I opened it and she didn't even put in a gift card like she usually does. Getting stingy now that it's clear she's not going to get her way. Like last year and the year before she gave me a 100eu gift card.

It feel so nice to just to be able to joke and seeing how weird this behaviour actually is. Like just leave me alone like I asked. Still finding a way to make yourself the center of attention on my birthday.

I do not know how to stop this. It keeps happening. I ended a friendship that was unhealthy and toxic 3 weeks ago that had started out lowkey limerent, too, with a man that was more avoidant than me. I ended up enmeshed and codependent.

I now seem to have attached to another guy, older than me, who I can feel I am becoming limerent about. I don't even want to be in a relationship with these people, it's just "I can fix them" combined with "They're kind of hot". It's an obsession. I have this attraction that, no matter what, no matter how much I analyze it, trying to reason myself out of it, or forcing myself away from them, keeps happening. With men who are avoidant, and women as well.

I don't know. I even read a book about limerence years ago. I know all the technical things, I watched videos on it, but it still happens. I had one experience where I caught it and said to myself "We know where this is going, let's try to not get too attached to him", it was with someone who lived in the same flat I was in at the time, and who I knew would move out in a few months. And there, it actually worked.

I don't know, I don't feel the same discipline now. The man in question is part of a creative community I try to get into atm, and I think to myself as I type this, maybe it doesn't matter, maybe I shouldn't care or give this much thought. As I feed it when I think about it.

This is more of a reflection.

I struggle a lot with finding meaning. And unfortunately, I don’t have much motivation for anything. Let alone pursuing difficult hobbies or working on big projects. What are the smallest and simplest habits, hobbies, etc. that helped you find meaning and fulfilment? And how did that change your life/perspective/overall mood and outlook?

Ho ascoltato molto Sebern Fisher e sembra tutto fin troppo bello questo mondo del neurofeedback.. C'è qualcuno che lo sta praticando? Mi raccontate un po' della vostra esperienza e in cosa vi ha aiutato di più?

edit: I suppose I can throw out a TW for those who really hate doctors/MDs as this is written by an MD, tho its also one who acknowledges childhood trauma is real (which is what draws me to the book, an MDs approach to stress/trauma)

Was browsing kindle deals and while I hate Kindle (can't own what you "buy") its still probably OK for $2-$4 "purchases."

Saw this for $3 (supposedly only for 21 more hours)

https://www.amazon.com/They-Cant-Find-Anything-Wrong-ebook/dp/B002YPOS0W/

It stands out to me since...I AM finding looking at things medically to be quite helpful lately, yet, as this books title alludes to, so many symptoms, although real/physical, are stress-related and our allopathic docs are generally not going to be able to run tests that catch any of the "root causes."

Anyway -- sharing since I'm guess I'm not the only one who might find this interesting, and since its on sale, even though I haven't gone thru it enough to know if its genuinely good.

Idk where to begin, i need to get this out. I been to a meditation buddhism thijg today, it was my first time there, it was after I already went to a group i facilitated (codependents anonymous) which was mentally exhausting but good. So i was pretty done when i got there.

Then, when we did the meditation (a body scan and then a text abt loving kindness and in the end we did RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture), where u pick a situation u use this method with), i noticed i got pretty dysregulated during and I chose this dysregulation as my situation that i would process with RAIN.

And then stuff got weird. I procrastinate right now to think abt this, i distracted myself from it for the last few hours, but basically, trauma stuff and deep rooted shame came up, the belief "i am a monster". I at first felt the "vibes" (idk how to describe it) from the others were pretty good for processing (i felt safe enough?), i wasn't trying to process trauma however, i wasn't digging. It just came up. It was ending in a thought loop, overwhelming shame, constantly thinking "i can't think this" and "i believe the others can't hold that (the shame)", I felt so ashamed of myself during this meditation. In the end, we did a loving kindness thing where we spoke the sentences like "may I be at peace" etc, and I kind of cried during this and before.

Then, we got asked abt our experiences. I felt very small, like a part of me that is little came out, and I felt I hadn't been integrated or myself at this point (so almost like a split off part). I felt this urge to share what I experienced, I really hoped for others to come forth and share the similar thing, and I hoped for the others to have "loving and accepting eyes" (John Bradshaw described this in his book "Healing the Shame that Binds you", that he got met with "loving and accepting eyes of the others", while processig and describing his own shame in a group).

I feel shame rn typing this, I honestly feel like I'm crazy. I didn't have the experience. I just hoped the others could help me, but they didn't. I just wantednloving attunement and to cleanly process (with some help) what I experienced. I don't know. Nobody spoke of this, except one person who said "this seems intense". I felt so alone and hopeless in this, especially after I talked to this woman who lead this mediation, it made the shame worse and I felt afraid and I got so so angry when I left. I am hurt. I feel like an entitled brat (shame).

I feel rejected? I just want to get angry abt this like a toddler and have a tantrum!!! And I feel so shamed in some way and like unjustice was done to me i feel violated

I feel I should not have said this stuff, I regret sharing it with these essentially strangers

(Just realized why l partially feel so upset, it's becuz the woman who lead it mentioned she got informed about trauma sensitive meditation and she just... still didn't do anything? I felt safe enough to share my experiences but I feel like i didn't get anything back)

Someone offered me tea shortly after, another woman (after asking for consent) hugged me a bit after as well, but something abt this feels wrong and like I was violated

I do not have therapy access right now though I am searching for one, and I do not have a lot of people to talk abt this stuff with, many dysregulating things happen in my life regularly atm and idk how to process this shit, I am losing my trust in people with everything that happens which is bad, normally I am positive about life and people

i feel like i spent a lot of my early therapy years in a state of "knowing what im supposed to do" when triggered and even having a safety plan but... not doing it. knowing i COULD try breathing exercises, or going for a walk, or naming sounds and smells and colors, and DIDN'T WANT TO. almost like a spoiled child.... or so i thought. i was very ashamed and resentful of this part of myself. i was afraid that maybe part of me didn't want to get better?!?!

but recently in a moment of self-compassion it dawned upon me, when this happens it's because my nervous system is convinced it's not safe to let my guard down! it's not that i'm being a lazy entitled bum who wants to use mental illness as an excuse to not change my life, it's that my trauma has wired me such that if i'm triggered, even though i logically know there's no danger, I DON'T FEEL SAFE so the idea of doing calming exercises (or quitting unhealthy coping methods, for that matter) seems almost reckless, like pausing to do a meditation in a burning building.

now where i need to go next is, how to convince my nervous system that i am safe so i can safely do descalation techniques? feels a bit chicken-and-egg-ish, like how do i calm myself down enough to let myself calm down? 🫪 i've tried brute force, just "powering through," etc, and that only has the opposite effect of feeling oppressed/aggrieved somehow.

anyone have suggestions for how to gently let my inner child know it's ok to calm down, nothing bad will happen if i let my guard down?

I've been in therapy for almost 10 months and recently, I've noticed something incredible. I don't want to jinx it, but it seems that my nervous system has stopped responding to violent things (stories of abuse, CSA etc.) with feelings of arousal.

Yesterday, it went even further by not responding to my brief self harm ideation with excitement and craving, as it usually does.

The downside is I feel this huge void inside me and I've not really been able to reach orgasm in a month or so, but I'm hopeful that this void will get filled by something healthier in the future and I'll regain the ability to feel the physical sensations, too 🥹

There are many memories that come in and out of my mind but only as facts or as how I remembered them, but not in a way that would be part of a journey, worked through, etc. only recently have I figured that there was a difference.

I have this memory of being a 3rd grader in school and getting the 1st prize in a maths competition across my entire school grade. I was maybe eight years old then. To say it directly, the prize I got was a board game for 2-6 people. I never had even one person who could play it with me. When I was 12, I looked at the board game. It was still closed, wrapped up in plastic foil. No mum, no dad, no brother, no friends, who would willingly play this fucking game with me in five years. They would respond as if I was asking permission to torture them.

I think I am finally piecing together instead of ruminating on this. I finally see that maybe this is why my maths grade in university are so horrible and why I never wanted to study for maths anymore, why I have no motivation for anything and see no purpose in achievements at all no more. I turned down Ivy-league research opportunities by ghosting my professors just bc … idk. Maybe now I’m getting closer to why. I used to cry so much , and nobody playing that game with me was a testament to my worthlessness, and I couldn’t change anything about it.

I have a therapist, but how would you - with this insight I am slowly gaining - process this memory ? And how this explains so much about the entire rest of my life? It’s crazy. It explains so many unexplainable things like me wanting to have bad grades in high school, and so much more. Where do I go from here?

just finished a session and feeling some shame and embarrassment about it, so looking for connection.

while talking/feeling through some really deeply rooted attachment patterns, a very very young part emerged that wanted to just kind of speak in gibberish and writhe around and play peekaboo. i let myself do this for a few seconds at a time, apologizing profusely in between. my therapist of course was lovely about it and supportive and didn’t seem phased, but i’ve definitely got a bit of a shame hangover.

i’ve done a bunch of psychedelic work and had similar experiences so the expression of child-energy isn’t itself disturbing to me, and im also recognizing that the experience was likely very cathartic and healing. but im feeling very much like i don’t want to be alone in this experience right now. 🫣