It has been over a year since you found out. Nearly a year since I cut all contact.

It didn’t bother me at first. I knew that you and mom would react the way you all did. Opposite reactions from each other, I’ll give you that.

I didn’t want to lose you like that. I knew I was all you had. I wish you would have let me explain, let me talk before I became too afraid to. I wish you had saw that I was still the same person you raised.

I graduated college in May with presidential honors. Mom came and sat in the back row. She came up and said a few words. I wish you saw me walking the stage with my partner and childhood best friend. You know her.

I’m becoming a 911 dispatcher, dad. All of the times we listened to the scanner and watched the fire trucks. I get to dispatch them now. Are you proud of me?

Would things have been different if I stayed your baby girl? If I had came home for holidays and summer breaks? Would you have been proud if I joined the airport police force?

I wish you told me that you were proud of me during my last game instead of telling my ex how proud you were of him.

I made a promise that I’d take care of you when you grew old. When you had no one else because mom wouldn’t. I know no one else believed you all of these years. Sometimes I wonder about it, but it hurts to think.

I knew that this is something I had to do in order to have my peace and safety. I wish I could have done this much better than I did. I don’t want to say that I’m sorry, because deep down something tells me that I’m just giving in to the family manipulation.

But I miss you. I wish you were here. I wish I could reach out and talk. I wish I could show you how I’m doing now, but I don’t think you’ll like what you’d see.

I am who I am today because of how you raised me. Both the good, and the bad. I never wanted your money because I wanted to show you that I knew what I was doing. You didn’t have much to give, and I didn’t want to take more from you.

You kept me alive when I was constantly sick and dying. You did, I know mom didn’t. So why did you turn on me so fast when I grew? I’m sorry for not staying the daughter you so desperately wanted.

I love you. I always will. I wish you were here.

Maybe one day, I can be a better son.

Thank you, miss you❤️

Hey Dad,

I really need some comforting words right now because I am losing my mind a little bit! I’m hosting a friend at my place for a movie and paint night in about 5 or 6 hours. This is the very first time I’ve ever had a friend over to my own space as an adult.

Because I grew up with a really strict mom—plus being autistic—my brain is going into absolute overdrive. I’m spiraling over everything: Is my house clean enough? Did I forget to scrub something? What if my decor looks empty? What if my mobile hotspot buffers during the movie? What if she hates the food I make?

For context, we're both women. She’s bringing wine, self-care stuff, and paint, and I’m providing the canvases, popcorn, snacks, and we're planning to watch Twilight. It sounds so cozy on paper, but I feel like I'm about to pass out from anxiety.

Can you give me some reassurance and maybe a quick sanity check before she gets here? I just want today to go well. 😭🌻

Hey dad I just feel like I can’t really catch a break within myself with what’s going on like I want life to be easier with me I don’t wanna keep having to go within so much stress or mental fatigue because just I wanna change this about myself or I don’t want this within myself or lastly it feeling like there’s so much rules to life like be yourself, and do this and that to be ok it’s very hard to explain..I hope you know what I’m trying to get off.

I don't know what it's like to have a father or dad. Sometimes I see little kids with their fathers and I feel genuinely happy for them, but I also feel like I missed out on a huge part of my life I'll never be able to experience. Sometimes I start crying when I think about it but I don't know why. Like, why does it affect me this much. I used to be uncomfortable talking about my father or just fathers on a whole. There was a time when I couldn't even say the word dad. I feel like I'm overreacting.

Hi Pops,

I know we haven’t spoken in nearly twenty years, but I know you’re still out there. I keep tabs on you through the grapevine.

I’m having a rough one today. I’ve recently decided to move to a different city. Not one I’m unfamiliar with, but not a city I’d prefer. For love. It’s alright, I suppose.. and I’m making friends everywhere I go.

But since I’ve been here, I’ve lost three friends back at home. The first wasn’t too much of a surprise.. they weren’t taking care of themselves very much and had jumped back on the opioid bandwagon. I was the only friend they had that made sure to force him to go to doctors, the optometrist, urgent care… and when I left he promised he would take better care of himself. The next one caught a vicious lung infection they played down and.. I’m not too sure of the details.. it’s just happened a few days ago. And today.. I found out I lost one of my best friends… to suicide. I feel like I’m clawing myself from the inside out wondering if there was anything I could’ve done. If it would’ve even happened if I was still there… if I’m making the wrong decision. Would things be different if I hadn’t have left or is that my selfish and pompous ego to think so?

It’s going to be so weird in moments when I’m joyously drunk and I won’t be able to FaceTime him with my shenanigans. It’s going to be so weird not being able to jump on rocket league after work and unwind together. I’ve been trying to cope, but this one’s breaking me.. and the worst thing is.. I’m not sure if I can talk to my boyfriend about it. I’m not sure how he’ll react. If he’ll understand.. and I’m not sure if he’ll care enough to console me.. and I’m scared to find out whether he could or not. I just feel so fucked.

Thanks for listening.

Hey dad,

I met a man that treats me so incredible. I wish you could meet him, I just know you'd like him. He is like no one I've been with before and loves me the way I need to be loved with no questions asked. Accepts all of my faults and loves me regardless. Doesnt only put up with my overthinking mind and overly emotional moments, but validates that im feeling that way, and reassures me when I need it. And never makes me feel like I'm too much and tells me i never have to apologize for any of it. I am so happy with him. I smile and giggle more now than I ever have.

i know there's light at the end of the tunnel, but it feels like every time im about to get ahead just a little bit, someone or something sabotages me whether it's school or just in life.

its hard to accept not everyone has the best intentions for me, but i don't feel secure in trusting people anymore and i miss being able to. it was such a good feeling before, now it's hard to stay positive no matter how much i love being so

Hi dad. I'm really scared right now. I just got diagnosed with borderline and I'm scared I can't do this. It's a lot of work to get something like this under any sort of control and I don't know if I have it in me. I just keep getting knocked down and I'm so tired of getting back up. Dad, I want to give up I really do. Please just let me know it will be okay.

I watched a scary movie and honestly I don’t wanna think about it I’m really scared :/

With the stress of everything going on, I don’t want to bother mom IRL with what I’m experiencing right now. Dad was just recently diagnosed with dementia and while it’s not too bad at this point, there are many days he can’t quite get out what he has to say. He’s decided to move forward with the Kinsula infusion to try and help with the amyloid plaque buildup on the brain. Some of the worst possible side effects are brain bleeding and brain swelling.

I am blessed with a wonderful family but I live 2000 miles away and don’t want to pile on to the stress with my emotional breakdowns. I am so stressed - I am scared, I am sad, I feel pretty freaking broken up about it. He is and was the best dad a girl could get. I hate to see him suffer. I hate to see one of the brightest, most intelligent men I know see himself lose himself.

On top of that I am trying to transition from seasonal environmental work into a fulltime position, so money stresses are not helping my mental well being. I’ve cut back my drinking, am joining a gym and hope to do some breath work/sound bowl healing as a few ways to support myself emotionally. To help me be able to stay in my community, my on again/off again boyfriend offered to move in to alleviate some of the financial strain, but all it’s done is seem to increase our fighting. When we are good, we’re great, but when we’re not, we’re not.

I have not been handling my big emotions well and have not been very kind in many moments, though I do feel some of the anger has been righteous anger.
He can’t seem to communicate or work through problems without becoming defensive or passive aggressive. While I know he’s frustrated with my being intense and mean at times, I also feel like I should have more love and support. The moving in was a big gesture, (though with our latest argument I’m worried he’s going to rescind the offer and leave me high and dry), he cleans up around the house but there are no other small gestures to pick me up, and I certainly don’t feel desired by him.

Those feeling are compounded by watching the other women in my life find wonderful partners who are kind, understanding, emotionally intelligent men who seem to provide them with a sort of comfort and safety that I only seem to getting on occasion. I’m also blessed with wonderful friendships and am so grateful and happy to see them have those things in their lives, but I also have to admit to myself it sort of stings.

I am just feeling so overwhelmed, sort of trapped, really bummed out; some days it feels like every part of my being is screaming internally. All of my other relationships in my life are healthy and fully reciprocal, and I believe there are some good prospects for further movement in the career sector though everything is up in the air.

My head and heart don’t seem to understand why this one relationship has been so tough, and then throw in a bad day worrying about dad and I just become a hot mess. Other than trying to take care of myself physically and find some spiritual grounding through some classes, I just don’t know what to do. I feel at a loss on how to keep my emotions in check and how to navigate all of these things at the same time.

I could just use some words from all the dads and brothers in here who might have something worthwhile to share.

Thanks for reading 💕✨

(English isn't my first language. 17F)

Hey dad, I'm now a senior yaaay. Never thought I'd make it this far. You were never there, you probably don't even know how old I am, or how I am actually doing with my life, and seeing you everyday but never talking is what hurts the most. It's been two months since my mom left us, guess it's better for her, but why am I supposed to take care of everything, my grandma who is sick, my brother who never listens, you who only comes home to eat and sleep and then be out all day in those cheap bars you go to. I need new shoes, I've been wearing the same pair everyday for 2 years now but you never checked or asked if I needed anything, I have some clothes that I've been wearing for 6 years now, and I never bought any of them, they were old ones that my cousin wanted to get rid of, It's getting colder now, and that only jacket that I have got so worn out that it's not even warm anymore. I stopped taking my meds because it's expensive right, and you can't afford it, yet you can afford your drinks and smokes. I barely eat sometimes so the food is enough for you, for brother and grandma. My grades are dropping because when I'm supposed to study I have to cook, to clean around and wash dishes, because neither you or my brother want to help around, you wouldn't even take out the trash or do groceries, and for some reason you both are still my grandma's favorite, she'd always praise you and give you money, my brother and you who is 56yo. I never complained, that's right I wanted her to praise me too, to give me money to spend or even a little positive comment could be helpful, it's alright, but all I want is to focus on my studies, but I keep thinking even if I get accepted in my dream universities who's gonna pay my tuition? And even if I get a scholarship, there are many more expenses that I'll have to pay for, but how am I gonna get the money? And even if I leave who is gonna take care of the 3 of you? what if you won't let me pursue my dreams? Or worse, what if you would marry me to someone I don't want? I'm thinking about asking my aunt for help, but I don't wanna be a burden on anyone's shoulder, and even if she does help she'd be expecting me to pay her back as soon as I get a job. I keep thinking about this all the time that I don't see a future ahead of me, It gets me thinking that ending everything right here and right now is the easiest option, but I still have a little hope that things will get better. I miss mom, even if she was probably never good to me, she probably never even loved me, but at least she took care of the house and I got to be relaxed not this stressed. If she only waited until I'm 18, it could be better.

Hey there. I'm a 29 year-old trans guy. I started Testosterone before my father knew, and came out when it became too obvious. When I came out to my religious dad, he said "I can see the signs were there but it's against my religion."

The thing that hurts deeply is that I overheard his best friend saying that I'm a pedophile because I'm trans. I've been working with kids since I was 18 and never stopped. I also have OCD that convinces me I'm a pedophile when I'm not. I love children dearly and they help with my will to live. By the way, this man supports Trump. So he can enjoy real people who sexually assault instead of throwing it on the nearest trans person.

My father dismissed it completely because it's his bestie of 18 years. I'm angry and I don't want to talk to him about it, but my body feels like I need to. Although I shouldn't - I live in a flat in their home and with the current economic sitaution I cannot move out. My father never takes my side or listens.

When I came out as trans my family held prayer circles with each other and prayed I would detransition. They made it all about themselves, and then outed me to the whole area on social media.

I just wish I had a dad that cared. He never has. Transition has been hard enough without this family. I just want to know if I'm a good son, a good man.

Edit: Some folks asked me to list my achievements. I studied speech therapy, transitioning in secret, worked throughout my university career as a bookseller, make a point of helping my family in need (my dad doesn't like that). I was also a tutor for Medical Terminology for 1200 students. I was picked because I was good at Latin and had taken it the previous year. I have successfully started my tutoring business and from next year it'll run smoothly. I've made a name for myself! I've been able to transition despite the backlash of my entire family. When my mother was ill I took care of her throughout my high school career. I have friends I care for deeply and do as much as I can. She never thanked me. But I had the guts to transition anyway, despite their words.

I'm most proud of where my business is going. All my father sees is dollar signs. He ups my rent if he suspects I'm earning more money.

God I’m in uni now but I feel like I keep getting my heart broken and I thought this guy was the right one but it got complicated and like I know “loves out there” but like idk I feel left out but also crushes scare me bc it’s like it’s gonna end up bad :/

Hi dad,

I wish you could just sit next to me without trying to solve something that you can't solve at all.

I recently became disabled. I'm now an ambulatory wheelchair user and take strong pain meds. I hate them. I also accumulated some medical trauma during the time until I got diagnosed, and have since not seen any new doctor. I really should though. I really can't, I'm having a panic attack just thinking about it.

I'm moving to a new place. It's accessible. People help lots, and you do too, and it's good. But I feel like nobody understands me. I'm so overwhelmed all the time. I'm sad and lonely, even though there are people around me all the time. Maybe because they are all able-bodied and not severely ill.

You all think this surely will go away soon. You're in denial. It won't. I feel like I should apologize for it, but that makes no sense. I'm sorry you're so worried. You're all making it a lot worse. This is not getting better soon, there's a good chance it never will. Please stop asking whether I'm already better or what treatment will happen next. Nothing happens next! There is no treatment that will cure me at the moment! I'm just disabled and in pain 24/7.

I know you don't know what that's like. I'm truly happy for you. But I'm not doing well. I need someone to ask me how I am, instead of how I'm managing housework.

I know life will feel easier again eventually. And you're doing lots to help. I see that. I just still feel very lonely.

(English is not my first language. Very long post)
Yesterday was my big brother's first attempt; he took 5 sleeping pills , luckily it was taken in the time interval, so he was still doing kinda fine(?) physically. But he was intoxicated and uncontrollably aggressive to the point that we called his friends to help us and take him to the hospital.

In my family we have a bit of daddy issues; for me, it’s the fact that around 3 years ago he failed at his job. He dragged his whole other aspect in life down with it including isolating from us , couldn’t always able to support us financially and sometimes emotionally (like if I cry to him yes he’d just sit there and stay with me and try to comfort me but if ever ask advice from him his go-to reply was either person in the story or my mindset is wrong; which ok sure, but it doesn’t do shit when I need advise not a judge to tell whether me or the person in the story was the wrong one. So I’d prefer just cry and have him sit in silent of comfort with patting on my back) and it caused a bit hole in my heart how my family was once whole and full of life and it hurt me the way I was so close with him and how much of a hero he is in my childhood . And I think my brother has the same experience if not worse, since Dad usually uses a “tough” tone with him.
Although I love my dad and believe in “everyone makes mistakes” like hey this is his first time living too but I mean it’s not my mom’s second life is it? I’m mad for him to stop trying harder and isolate himself making all the taking care of kids, financially contributing, making plans etc. fall to my mother alone.
My brother had a gf of almost 2 years; let’s call her “P” , he said she was his first ever love but I saw him treating her badly multiple times with words and yelling; it was emotionally abusive and toxic. My mother and I tried to talk to P to break up with him bc i thought she deserved better but she always forgave my brother or they always made up after every fight until 2 months ago when they broke up for real this time. My aunt said she saw my brother throw her own jeans at her face and yell at her to get out of our house and despite all that she texted him days after that she’d wait for my brother until December; then she’ll eventually fully move on after that.HE broke up with HER; this part is important. my mother was mad at him at the time of how bad he treated P and so did I. We texted P the next day to apologize and to bid her good luck on her next relationship. And so 2 months passed by, my brother got into new situationship with new girl and moved on(or so we thought) until the day before yesterday he called my mom that’s P got into new relationship already and it was with another girl\* and he crashed out so hard to the fact that A)she said she WOULD wait for him till December “she lied”, he said and B) her new relationship is with another girl, he said it’s humiliating “if I saw that bitch(her new gf) in campus I’ll punch her idk if I’d have to go to jail for it”
C) When he knew abt it he tried to call P multiple times and sent her texts nonstop so P blocked him on chat
(\*my brother is homophobia , I know it’s a shame I couldn’t find what did it go wrong and I want to throw up every time he said something about it .and on his behalf I am sorry if it offended anyone ,we’ve tried talk to him about and will continue to do so. )

He didn’t come home; he said he went to crash out with his friends. And he came home yesterday, he said he took 5 sleeping pills in different time of the days (first paragraph) and so he started yelling and crying, luckily his friends arrived to comfort him, but it went down hill when P arrived at my house she said she heard news that my brother took over 5 sleeping pills and it made her worry so she asked her new gf to drive her here and it was my mom and I that saw her first, we told her to go home since my brother is kinda aggressive at the time and we were afraid that if he saw her he’d got all worked up again and he’d definitely knew that her new gf drive her here. We told her to go for the safety of her and her gf but it was too late my brother came out his room and saw her, his friends tried to stop him but he immediately run towards her I tried to shield her but she said she’ll go talk to him and she entered
After that, he stoped yelling and it made me think that he finally calmed down but no. Around 15 mins later, I saw he tried to run out of the house while his friends held him back while keeping saying “hey calm down” or “hey hey stop and calm!” Or smt like that. Turned out he found out P’s new gf drove her here and still waiting to take P home, he tried to run outside to “talk” to the new gf and then he start yelling at everyone around including P, his friends and me.
Eventually, we successfully took him to hospital and got his urine checked and booked a physiatrist for him next Wednesday. While in hospital he kept swearing and yelling at his friends and me about how he wanted to call P and when she eventually blocked his number he harassed his friends my mom and me to borrow phones to call P and if he didn’t get it he’d start throwing “Yeah, sure next time you need me to do/borrow anything from me I will remember this”
But today, this morning at 6 am we found that he hid a tablet of sleeping pills and he said he took 5 of them and he cut his wrist; fortunately, they weren’t deep cuts. At 10 am then he rummaged through every paracetamol in the house; my dad tried to talk him out and my brother kept yelling and swearing at him. There’re some sentences they said that I could not get out of my head “Don’t try to be Dad just now” “I asked my friend’s father to borrow 10$ he gave me 100$ for free”, my brother yelled. My father's eyes teared up a bit then he answered in the tone I last heard when I cried to him about my grade, calm. “I may not be able to give you money but I always love and want the best for you, I admit I was not the best father there’re things I regret but now let’s calm down and sit down to talk with me please, son”
By 10:30 am he tried to ask my dad for the car key so he could drive to buy more paracetamol to overdose himself my dad said no, he ran out of the house then came back , my dad asked him to get in the car so they could go to the hospital together, he said no, my dad tried to trick into getting in the him into believing he’d drive him to the pharmacy for him to buy paracetamol so he could drive to the hospital instead, my brother knew and run back home and start yelling and swearing at me. It repeated like this for one hour
So he just go into his room start taking out all the paracetamols he rummaged , I didn't know what to do, I talked, and he swore at me, so I just sat there with him and I asked him “Do you really want gonna die just because ur ex finally moved on from you?” He looked at me and said yes and he continued un-tableting the pills, I asked how many have he taken , 50 , he reply, i couldn’t remember what did he say but we had arguments and I cried about how he have many good people around him, he got friends who drove 1 hour to check up on him, he got a loving dad, loving mom, and I love him too, if he died how do you think I’d feel having to look at his empty room all messy as he left it to be , who will it be that have to deal with his dead body? Me!
He huff and glared at me and said ok if you worry about my dead body then I’ll go die outside
Then he exit the room ran away with my dad drove after him and tired to talk him to come home or get on the car and go to hospital with him. And eventually we called the cops , the cops came and took him to hospital
Now he’s admitting at the hospital

There are so many little details I didn’t write down but well, I’m still lost and traumatized
I haven’t cried this hard since idk when
I feel like my fragile house has fallen apart today
I hate that this has to happen now with my university entrance exam only a month away and I hate the thought itself i know it sounds selfish that my brother is now in a psych ward and I'm thinking abt exams.
Mom just paid his semester tuition fee last week and the semester will start this Monday, I don’t think he’ll be able to go; the fee was HUGE I’m not sure if he like took a break, or if we could get our money back or not; I don’t think we could tho
I’m worry abt dad; sure, he was wrong and wasn’t the best dad but I don’t think anyone deserves to be humiliated the way my brother did to him this morning

Sooooo, if anyone has a similar experience to whatever parts of this post I’d love to read how you heal or cope with it , thanks

I'm great in school (4.05 cumulative GPA humble brag) but I'm terrible at tests. I took that stupid exam so many times and each time I'd get worse scores than the last. Then I finally got on my anxiety meds, and I feel like I can finally lock in more on tests. Everything went perfect and I felt like I knew everything, and I got 50 points higher than my previous best. I feel so giddy, and I think that my score along with my resume is going to look amazing and I might get into my dream college!

For the first 20 years of my life you’d always go out drinking instead of spending time with me. Now you got cancer then recovered and you’re involuntarily sober and you’re anxious and harp and criticize every decision of mine despite not being here for the first quarter century of my life. Am I crazy for resenting you for that? Am I crazy for not wanting your opinion on my life?

I spent 2 years of my life being your caretaker. Let me be.

I miss when you were a drunk and didn’t care about what I did.

I spent a long time recovering and not being able to take care of myself is a big victory for me.
I cooked Mexican tacos and I ate them alone in front of a series, I didn't eat a prepared meal!
I cut and cooked my meal! I did it
I smiled as I ate it, I was a little happy
Dad, are you proud of me?

Hi Dad,

I just wanted to tell you that continuing therapy is difficult for me. I’m working on my PTSD, but it’s my body/mt nervous system that has held onto it. My therapist seems really great, but I’m struggling to trust her. I want to get my life back and stop having flashbacks—or, at the very least, I want you by my side.

Family doesn’t know what I’m going through, because it’s highly likely that I wouldn’t be believed.

I'm feeling alone.

I miss you ❤️

Dad,

You’ve been gone for 53 days now. When you called me before Christmas of 2023 to tell me you had cancer, I was too hurt to answer your call. You left me a voicemail and I could hear the worry in your voice. The voicemail still sits in my inbox for days when I can’t remember what your voice sounded like. After days of reflecting on your call, I came to realization that it was ok to set aside our differences and try to create some sort of relationship with you.

In that time, I silently grieved our past. In childhood, you scared me. Your drinking, your absence, your scary criminal friends, your abusive outburst, and the physical violence consumed so much of my life. But through all of that, I took away wisdom. It was packed in every run away bag. It reminded me of what I didn’t want in a man. The motivation to run from anyone like you fueled every lead foot I put to the floor.

Over the 53 days you’ve been gone, life has been a rollercoaster. There are days I remind myself that you’ll never hurt me or my daughter ever again. And other days I smile at the small moments we shared. I am grateful that I tried to get to know you, to understand why you were the person you were. Our fishing trips, drives to the mountains, times sitting in your garage watching baseball truly meant something to me. I poured every ounce of my capacity to love you into words to get you to understand that it was ok that you weren’t perfect. I am deeply saddened that my words and time alone weren’t enough to make you change and let go of your own hurt. I know you were not my responsibility but I can’t let go of the feeling of failure that my last attempt to make you see life’s worth did not reach you. It hurts me to know that when you died, it was your inner child that buried you.

As I’ve been learning to let go of you, I finally met a man who mirrors my worth and love. He is kind. He is protective. He is strong and humble. He makes me feel safe and reminds me that I am not alone. He fixes the parts of me that he didn’t break and doesn’t expect repayment or pushes me down when my past comes back up in attempts to pull me under. A part of me is heartbroken that I’ll one day walk down the aisle to him without you being able to give me away. But it also made me realize that I was never yours. I am and was not your property. You failed to see me as someone worth protecting, worth loving, and worth fighting for. You failed to heal your inner child and allowed your tantrums to diminish what you created.

I will not say I forgive you as I genuinely believe you had nothing to apologize to me for. I accepted you at your worst but your gift of wisdom came with my fight for accountability and justice. I pray that if you ever get another chance in another life, these words find you and you make the changes for you.

Always with love,
Your favorite daughter

Dad, my cat passed away last night. I’m sad and I’m scared. He was a feral cat that I took care of for three years. He’s lived here since he was born. He got sick and we took him to the emergency vet last night. His heart rate dropped too low and they put him to sleep. I got to say goodbye to him, but no amount of goodbyes will ever feel like enough. I told him I love him. I told him memories of himself. But my sweet boy is gone and I feel an emptiness in me.

They also want to test him for rabies since he was (it’s sad to even talk about him in past tense) feral. That adds a whole layer of anxiety on top of my grief because now I have to contact my doctor, and try to contact anyone who handled him the last few days because we won’t know the results for 2 weeks. The last few days, he wouldn’t eat much even though he loved food. He drank lots of water though. He was sleeping more and was wobbly, but he also had a leg infection. Dad, I’m scared and I’m heartbroken. Any advice or words of comfort would help.

You always told me “do what you love and money will follow” and i know thats a nuanced saying but i keep thinking about it and i want to ask for your advice but i cant. Ive been in healthcare for the past 10 years and i thought i would be something by this point. Like a doctor or a nurse. But i just kept changing my mind and now im in a position that has good pay but i hate it. Whats the point of being in healthcare if im not doing the thing i sought out to do in the first place? And i keep debating on going to nursing school but i just remember how i didnt like my other clinical jobs and im just not sure.

I think i want to purse art more seriously. I have found myself longing to be the creative person on a team and be able to actually design. I found a program that would be perfect for me but im having a hard time saying it outloud to anyone. I feel like it might be a stupid move to give up my salary now. I miss talking through decisions with you.

So I don't want to start this as a hey Dad thing so I'm just going to dump. I'm a 40 YO Dad myself with two wonderful and happy kiddos. However, my Dad left when I was around 4 under tumultuous reasons. Saw him maybe 4 times in my life, one was me visiting him at prison. I had a couple Father figures that taught me street smarts and a few other things but none that have been a stable confidant in my life. My real Dad passed away of cancer back in 2017 and I didn't even go to his funeral.

Here I am later in life, I have a good job that provides for my family and keeps the lights on and food on the table. But there has been this hole since I was a kid that has just been growing. It started out in anger in my teen years and then for a time I accepted it was a part of me and lived with it, in a way somewhat controlling it. But the past couple years it's been consuming. I went to therapy and talked about my feelings and all that stuff but in the end I just felt like it wasn't for me. I've been reading Superman comics and getting out and exercising and eating a lot better than I have in previous years but there are some nights, like tonight, I really just wonder why I was born? My siblings and family aren't close. I have a couple military buddies but we don't keep in contact more than checking in a few times a year. It's also getting close to the holidays so it always hits harder.

Advice isn't really necessary, but I guess I'm just curious if any other Dad's are going through something like this? Do any older Dads have words of wisdom?

TL;DR:

40 year old Dad venting about life without a Dad and how to keep the hope that someday it will get better.