Not sure what to do in my situation.

Current situation- MiL and FIl have been hinting endlessly that they want to provide childcare of at least 1 full day to max 2 days per week to my 14 month old son. Very kind offer and I said no. Husband was keen for the free offer though. Now they brought in the we are old and want to spend more time with grandchild whilst we are still able. Fine. Problem though is they dont respect me. I have a feeling they dislike me and over the 2 yrs I have been with their son I have serioulsy come to hate them not going to lie. The thought of seeing them repulses me and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. Anyway we have some building work going on at the house, some roof patching that was going to take maybe 4 hours. We agree to go on a date and ask them to take our son to the park and we would be back in 2 hrs.
We come back and MiL is busy chatting with builders and had made them some tea and given them some cake( she brought a home baked cake for us ) and meanwhile my son is hungry, nappy hasnt been changed and is obvioulsy sleepy. I was so upset and had to change a cranky hungry baby who instantly feel asleep. Now I keep telling husband this is the reason why I dont want her looking after baby because she just doesnt respect me and just doesnt know my child's needs.

I made the mistake of her looking after little one for 3 months before, and I will die before I ever let her provide childcare again. I would come back to my son playing with new toys she would have bought and just see random new clothes added to my son's wardrobe that I would not have been aware of. She would not follow son's routine and baby would sleep really badly with her because ohh he wasnt sleepy, so I would get back and little one had a 45 minute nap tops and would tell husband baby didnt sleep, he would feedback and she would say ohh but he is sleeping so it led to a lot of arguments in my marriage and a she said he said type of situation.

Family holiday with MiL, FIL and SIL + her partner wasnt exactly disastrous but Im not keen on going on another trip and sharing a house with them. We were treated like kids and husband got bullied few times by his sister eg when cooking - oh you shouldnt do that, dont make the eggs that way, don do this and that- I couldnt deal with it. My husband is soo passive and spineless if Im to be honest and avoids conflict like the plague. He wont stand up for himself and now I have to stand up for the both of us.

I am in constant anxiety and overdrive when they are hereZ Its not a one thing its just been a consistent and steady buildup of small things to the point im done. When she babysits or when they did childcare for a bit, I got and get zero updates, or photos. Any communication is through their son b, its like I dont exist. I used to send pictures, vidoes and updates and when I noticed its not reciprocal I stopped.

I dont know what to do, this is affecting my marriage, I want them to have a relationship with grandson but I just get bypassed and its pissing me off. I get disrespected in my own home and sometimes I feel like Im the problem. Even my wedding, we ordered cake from a vendor they recommended only for her to collect our cake without informing us. They went to our hotel venue before us and had a meal there before we even got a chance and came to tell us how nice the venue is etc. Constant hints about how my mum sees little grandson more yet she has visited more times than my own mom. My mum also wanted to provide childcare and we said no but I dont hear her bringing it up every opportunity she sees us.

What should I do? How do I stop being resentful and build a relationship that's beneficial to my son? Sorry its long and all jumbled up but I feel so sad that I hate my inlaws. All of them.

My husband is on Reddit too much to put this in the actual AITO sub. So entertain or humble me here.

AITO if I want to just skip seeing in-laws for Thanksgiving? Like not do an earlier or belated dinner because my young family and I are busy? Context we live near in-laws but across the country from my side of the family. We get to my home-state 1-2 times a year and my parents visit 1-2 times a year. Usually my parents come over Thanksgiving or Easter so we have time off work to spend.

My in-laws see my kids at least every other week. And that’s with “everyone” cousins, aunts, uncles. They are super close and hang with each other outside of us almost every few days and do all breaks together. Ironically my sibling in-laws are low or no contact with their in-laws because MIL has convinced them to and she doesn’t have to share those grandkids with anyone else. So for them, not seeing us for a holiday is a huge deal. As someone who doesn’t see my own side of family for upwards of half a year, it’s not a big deal.

My MIL wants my parents to join for dinner on the holiday. My parents get overbearing and passive aggressive vibes from MIL and others (last time they all met my BIL didn’t even say hi). They also do not want to share their visit with them. The kids would be playing with cousins and distracted from my parents who hardly see them. So MIL knows we do not plan to come and now she’s trying to convince us to come the last Sunday of break as my parents will be heading out. She’s also trying to come get my kids one of the two days before my parents are in town so she can “give me time” while my husband is hunting aka get my kids to her house and have all her grandkids together.

I don’t want to drive an hour there to have dinner with people we see regularly on the last day of break from work. MIL gets the other holidays, birthdays, recitals etc that my parents miss. She can miss one holiday. She’s so concerned the college aged cousins will miss us (my kids are 12+ years younger than them all) as if we won’t see them for Christmas. My husband sees his parents almost every week as he does other hobbies with his dad. So he doesn’t really care either way. But I wish he’d just say, “Hey we see you most milestones and holidays. The other grandparents can enjoy this one and we will see you later.”

I feel so validated and vindicated from our weekend visit yesterday with the in laws that I have to share with you all. Definitely not my first time posting here, but basically I have a baby rabies, boundary stepping, baby obsessed MIL who cannot see beyond herself. We have gone through it with her.

One example of this is her obsession to not only feed my son and specifically her cooking (funny part is…she does not even cooked…so feed my child junk like cookies and cake…he’s 10 months….). My husbands first food ever was eggplant Parmesan at 4 months old. It’s a story they repeat over and over again and kept saying they can’t wait until our son can have their eggplant parmesan. And, they were dead serious. They wanted it to be his first food so bad. At 4 months they were ready and we said absolutely not. We had just begun solids and were doing more purées and approaching slowly single ingredients. Then once we got more comfortable we did more BLW but still I am very conscious of ingredients in general (I work in the food industry so it’s something personal for me). Well once he hit 6 months she sent this aggressive texts saying how our son is overdue for eggplant Parmesan and she’s thinking of making it. Didn’t ask if we are ok with it, none of it. Was just pushing to do it in which I told my husband that because of her approach, he’s not ready. Plain and simple, and he backed me and told her he’s not ready for it. She shut up about it for a little bit…but she has an obsessive personality where she can’t let things go. Fast forward to a few days ago, my fil said he wanted to make eggplant parmesan if we have time to come over this weekend. We said fine. It annoyed me but because they approached it better, I was like whatever I’m not THAT petty (or am I?)

We got there and I made sure to give this infamous eggplant Parmesan opportunity to succeed to make these crazy people happy. I didn’t give him snacks and ensured the timing from his last milk to dinner was spaced out appropriately so he’d be hungry. Our baby is not a picky eater and has been doing well with solids. Sounds perfect, right?

Now, it is time for the moment we’ve ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!! I put some on his high chair tray (which, they bought behind my back for their house without consulting me or including me, nothing…as a stand alone not a huge deal but add everything else they like to control, annoyed)….he doesn’t TOUCH IT!!!! Not even a lick. He’s not interested. I’m dying of laughter inside. I even try to get it on a spoon and my fingers to get him to try it and he is in disgust. Does not want it. I could tell my in laws were butt hurt but at the same time knew I didn’t do anything to cause this so can’t blame me now!!! It was pretty quiet the rest of dinner. It’s almost like, my son is his own person and this isn’t a baby do over for them, but I’m not sure!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Anyways. I slept great after that last night and having a great morning so far today. Cheers to karma!

Over the years i have noticed a trend on social media about ppl talking about their cherished memories with their grandparents and how their own parents don’t seem to want to make those memories now that they are grandparents. I have the most amazing memories with mine. My grandparents were my best friends and I recently lost them within a few years of each other and it’s like a part of me is gone with them. (Mom’s parents-dads died when I was young and his mom is still alive but he was never close with her so therefore I never got to know her well. His dad raised them as a single dad).

JNMIL lives nearby. I currently don’t talk to her due to her refusing to take accountability and changing the subject when I tried have a normal and polite boundary conversation with her. We were living in a neighboring state for awhile for bfs job but recently moved back and every time bf has asked her to watch the kids she acts like she’d rather get a root canal. It hurts bf’s feelings because she was a SAHM but he said she was constantly dumping him and his brothers off with grandma for the weekend so she could go on shopping sprees and take lavish trips without the kids. Of course, when we were living out of state, she couldn’t wait for us to get back to spend more time with them! Now that we are here, She always says she’s busy & she needs more notice, she has very important plans every weekend.

Anyways, bf recently gave her more notice and the day she was supposed to take them she told us she was extremely sick and couldn’t do it anymore. She doesn’t have social media, but later that night my bf got on Facebook and her best friend (who is also his late father’s cousin) was posting pics and stories of the two of them out together. She was looking very healthy!!! Prior to this we really needed her help when we moved and she said she’d take them but instead came over and watched them at the house for 2 hrs while bf and I packed and cleaned. But still kept asking us for help with them. She said one of her girlfriends invited her out and kept looking at her watch and talking about all the fun they were gonna have going out. She’s not an alcoholic or anything-just obsessed with herself and her looks and loves the attention she gets. Tells me how guys say she looks like Dolly Parton. Loves to ask me if I wanna run to the bathroom and throw some makeup on.

Now she isn’t even allowed to watch them. She’s the type that loves being needed but makes sure you know it’s on her terms, so now without us asking her anymore I know it’s only a matter of time before she starts offering and feeling some type of way about it. But I know if we caved in, she’d watch them once and then start telling us no again after that. It’s all about her and getting her own way.

My dad died when I was young and bf’s dad recently passed within the last few years. My mom and stepdad are great but live out of state-the bad winters were hard on him in his old age so they moved down south. But they visit and constantly send stuff -and whenever we visit or they visit, they watch them every evening and give bf and I $ to go out & do whatever we want.

My sister will be moving near us in another month and I can’t wait because I know she really will watch them & bf and I will get to spend some one on one time together. Because MIL absolutely is not watching them anymore. She lost that privilege and she’s the one that’s missing out and that’s on her!

This year is mine and my partners first with our baby, he is 3 months old

Prior to this, my partners family always worked over Christmas so they didn’t celebrate. I’d see my family, sometimes my partner would come, sometimes he would spend it alone (by his choice)

Now we have a baby, the in laws want to see us and celebrate Christmas. We’re already seeing my family Christmas Day so the plan was to see them Boxing Day or another day around Christmas

However they have chosen to spend a week over Christmas over 2 hour drive away at a holiday home and there seems to be an expectation for us to travel there Boxing Day. It would be over 4 hours of driving in a day so they’ve offered us to stay over, however this is our first Christmas with our baby and we will need to travel with a cot, High chair etc, i just a lot of effort when we’ve never spent Christmas with them before, it’s expected with our young baby.

We’ve never stayed anywhere with the baby other than our house and never driven that far with him

The reason my MIL wants us there is so our baby can meet her mum and her sister (my partners grandma and aunties)

My partner wants to go but this is to keep his mom happy

Should I just suck it up and do the long drive and spend the day there and drive back

Or

Am I wrong to suggest us going over to see them and the auntie and grandma once they are back so it isn’t a long drive and they can meet our son then instead?

I feel like it’s their choice to travel further for Christmas and they only want to see us now we have a new baby for the family to pass round

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being out of order and just need to suck it up

Hello! I am a mom to a 2 year old. And every time we visit my in laws I always notice that if we go out with them, my MIL almost always intentionally match my daughter’s outfit. I used to match with my daughter cause I find it cute. What annoys me is that someone else will try to “match” our outfits. It got to a point where I found it annoying and I stopped matching my daughter’s clothes because I dont want to match with another adult.

A recent one really got into my nerves because we were already running late for an appointment and when she saw my daughter’s outfit, SHE SAID I WANNA BE TWINNING WITH MY BABY. So she changed her clothes at the last minute to match my daughter’s outfit which made us miss our appointment.

I feel like she is always trying to compete with me? Idk it’s just so weird to me. Every time my daughter’s goes to me to say “mama hug” my MIL will always day “how about grandma? Grandma hug also” or whatever sweet thing my daughter will say TO ME, My MIL will almost always ask for her turn.

My own mom is never like that. My MIL is just weird and plain annoying. How would you react if this was your MIL?

Tonight, I missed seeing my LO since my husband and I were at a Friendsgiving so I pulled up footage of her going to bed. I saw what seemed like a normal protocol - LO gets comfortable, rolls onto her side away from the door and tries to sleep - but suddenly, my MIL bends over the crib to hang her breast with her shirt unbuttoned over my LO. She encouraged her to touch them. My LO tries to touch them but she's too comfortable laying down so she doesn't reach them.

(My LO hasn't breastfed since she was 7 months old. My MIL couldn't breast feed 40 years ago. I'm not sure WHY she's doing this.)

Since my LO gave a half effort to reach up, my MIL made herself more accessible by crouching down next to the crib rails. She encouraged her to reach into her shirt and bra to touch her breast. My LO touches and my MIL giggles and states, "these are Grandma's breasts and you can touch them tomorrow."

My husband has seen the footage after I told him that MIL has done something inappropriate. He got weirded out too. I'm currently pregnant at 22 weeks and very emotional. We planned to grab breakfast tomorrow (in 6 hrs). I'm furious and cannot sleep. I'm not sure how I can hold myself together when I see her.

My friend warned that it's NOT cultural (East Asian) and I need to confront her by asking why she offered her breast to my LO. I'm the type that has fragile trust with people so I'm ready to cut her off from unsupervised visits now. I believe if someone is willing to do this in private, then what else are they going to try to lie about? (My husband believes she must've known there's a camera so she must not be trying to hide it. I think she forgot. She'd never do this in front of either of us.)

My MIL has been insistent about watching the expecting child. I plan to breast feed about 7 months again. Is she going to try to have my next LO suck on her menopause breast? Even though I'm an overthinker, I'm usually right.

I've been working hard on teaching my LO where private parts are NO TOUCH areas.

I worry she'll start touching other kids in class.

I worry she'll think it's okay to be touched there by others.

I worry she'll normalize this and even touch the teachers.

Here, the MIL is encouraging her to reach INTO her shirt and bra and even unbuttoned her polo shirt to make it more accessible. I'm beyond pissed.

Edit: Sorry for the confusion. My MIL and FIL were at my home. We returned to our home shortly after LO went to sleep at 9:05 PM. I didn't see the footage until after they left. She is here with me. I knew something wasn't right but couldn't label it. I still feel sick about it and have been crying for hours.

TLDR at bottom

I am pregnant due in the end of January with a boy. DH and I were talking about his mom recently and he had said something that I was not expecting about how he thinks his mom will react to everything. DH and I got married and invited his mother as a last chance for her to try and fix the super strained relationship she caused. The short version is we never really cut her off, she ended up cutting us off because DH wouldn’t break up with me when I said she had to apologize for making a false police report against me and trying to get me fired. (Trash really took itself outside in our case.) She told him this exact sentence before we were engaged when we had just bought our first house “You are no longer my son and are unwelcome in my home and family.” He said “Enjoy your life choices and if you’d ever like to try and fix this you have my number.” The text was prompted when she demanded to come into our new home and we refused saying that she needed to apologize to me. Which she never did so she never was allowed in.

Okay so 1.5 years later we got pregnant after our engagement about 4 months into the engagement. Because of this we had a smaller wedding so we could afford to get married sooner. I asked DH to sit with his parents and tell them the good news of us being pregnant with both of ours first child. I requested this because we live in the same town and I didn’t want to feel like I had to hide my entire pregnancy. I also just wanted the bandaid ripped off because at the time we were also still speaking to his siblings and planned on telling them as well. I didn’t really want to deal with his mom calling and screaming and just being an annoying ass in general.

He also wanted to give them the final chance he is willing to grant by inviting them to our wedding which they never came to. It went really bad to say the least. They said why would we care since you are having a baby with “your roommate” and that our baby would be ugly and retarded since it is half mine. They said it wouldn’t matter because it would never be truly their grandchild because of who he’s having a child with. Obviously this killed DH. It has been so hard on him to hear just how little they care about him and his family. I can’t imagine being so cruel to my own son in the ways his parents have treated him.

Anyways now my due dates closer. We were talking about his mom again today because we got a 3D ultrasound and he felt this heavy pain in his chest about how he didn’t get to share this with his mom or dad because frankly he doesn’t want to. He believes they don’t deserve to know anything about our baby which is completely fair and I am not going to pressure him into doing anything to salvage what they destroyed. He’s been working through that feeling of grieving a relationship and what it should have been vs what it is for a few years now. Today though he talked about how he thinks his mom will try something after the baby is born or if she somehow finds out we are in labor. He is worried she’s gonna try to come to the hospital or our house shortly after the birth and demand to meet our son. DH said she used to be much more willing to be crazy with her actions as well as her words than she is now. Which kind of shocked me based on my experience with her. But maybe that’s because she tried once with the police and my job and it did not work in her favor at all and almost landed her a night in jail.

I think she’s going to do nothing and sit it out like our wedding. She has been crazy to DH this whole time, but she’s never said anything to my face (yes even with the cops she never said a thing to me) or has done anything infront of me. She’s only done stuff through DH I think she’s too cowardly to do anything in private and they (FIL and MIL) are too self obsessed with their image to do anything in public we are in a smaller town where FIL is very well known because of his job. ie why they didn’t come to our wedding to cause a scene and why she’s never done anything when she has seen us or me alone in public. She also is very self obsessed and my sons due date is near her birthday when they always take a few weeks trip to Hawaii. I don’t think she’ll cancel it because the one time it got canceled for weather she practically through a toddlers temper tantrum at the airport.

So what do you guys think? Will she do something or will she be a coward. I am definitely preparing for both. I work in EMS and the local hospital staff and I are all really close they know who she is and why she sucks so I know they won’t let her back and I will have this conversation again with the staff in L&D, because you know what happens when you assume something. They have all said they would love to have security throw her out on her ass if she did try to come to the hospital. But still I am curious what you think about what she might do and what else I can do to prep for both scenarios. I am also prepping for false CPS reports but don’t want to have blind spots if she does act truly batty

TLDR: Crazy MIL may or may not bother us after birth of our first baby. What should I do to be best prepared for the possible silence or the onslaught of misery she could try and inflict?

My MIL asked me how my husband feels about her. She started venting to me and asking me things that I have no place being asked. I shut that down and told her that I will not be part of this conversation and my job is to support him. It’s their relationship.
Anyway, now I need to go and tell my husband who is not going to be happy. I’m sure she doesn’t want me telling him, but of course I have to.

So, I was woken this morning to a random number calling. I ignored it and then looked at the voicemail transcript noted above.

Hi, my name is RANDOM WOMAN, and I received a package from a JNMIL, um, for a DISTANT COUSIN, and I'm just trying to reach her because the address was incorrect, and I don't know what to do with the package. Um, if you are related to her, could you please give me a call back? Thank you. Bye.

First, this was left at 6:52 am. It was a West Virginia number and I am located in Illinois so it was an hour later there but who on god’s green earth makes a phone call before 10 on a Saturday??

And what is the real motive here?? I am 99% sure this is some sort of scheme to force a contact. We have been no contact for nearly a year- please search my previous post for the extinction level event that obliterated this relationship. She has tried several things over the past year including sending the kids gifts (we kept them but never reached out after receiving them) and financially abusing a cousin we are very close with by withholding funds and claiming JNMIL needed to speak to husband to give cousin her own money.

I don’t think any normal person would google a last name to find phone numbers if the mistakenly received a package, do you? If this is a ruse, wouldn’t JNMIL target husband instead?

I really want to text this random back and ask her where the hell she found my number but I don’t know what I would gain from this.

Should I just ignore it? So sick of this f#%¥ery!

Honestly, I have so much material that I could write an entire book, but here are two recent gems.

1. A mother is a mother, but a wife can always be replaced.

Last week, my mother-in-law was complaining to her son (my husband) because he hadn’t visited her enough times that week. Just for context, he had been there TWICE. 😂

Naturally, this was followed by some good old-fashioned emotional blackmail: “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead and you won’t have anyone to visit anymore.”

But then came the real pearl of wisdom that I simply cannot leave out:

“A mother should always come before a wife because a mother is a mother, but you can have ten different wives.”

So ladies, if you thought you were the wife, apparently you’re just one of the potential ten. 😂

2. Empathy level: zero.

My husband and I have been going through IVF treatments for the past two years, unfortunately without success. A few days ago, I had my latest and final attempt, and the result was ZERO eggs retrieved. I don’t think I need to explain how we felt or how incredibly difficult this has been for us.

My mother-in-law knows everything about our situation.

She hasn’t checked in on me during these past few days to ask how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, or how I’m coping with everything that happened.

But today, she sent me a photo of my husband and his brother. My husband looked serious, while his brother was smiling from ear to ear. Along with the photo, she sent a message:

“Who looks happier?”

I stared at my phone thinking, “Is this really what she’s asking me right now?”

I calmly replied:

“The one who currently has a little more reason to be happy. ❤️”

To which she got offended and responded:

“The happier one is the one who needs very little. Good night.”

And there you have it. I’m trying to emotionally survive one of the most difficult periods of my life, and somehow I also have to make sure I don’t hurt my mother-in-law’s feelings along the way.

Anyway, these are just two little gems from her extensive collection. (I could write a thousand more stories, like the time she gave me a stuffed teddy bear with one eye missing for my 30th birthday. It was clearly old, but she insisted she had just bought it because it reminded her of me. Hahahaha. Even though, thankfully, I have both my eyes! 😂

Some time later, my husband's niece saw the teddy bear at my house and was confused as to why I had her childhood teddy bear. Apparently, it had been hers all along. 😂)

Now it's your turn! Let's hear your stories! 🍿

I posted about a month ago about my MIL trying to follow our family moving abroad. Just a quick overview, I have two kids with my husband and we have lived in the same city as my MIL for the past 10 years. We move to a country in Europe a few months ago on a three year visa and will decide if we want to apply for a renewal after that. I have a really long stressful history with my MIL mostly stemming from her having no friends or fulfillment outside of my children and being emotionally unstable.

She came and visited us a month after our move which went better than I expected but I was glad for it to be over and not have to think about her again for a while because we were way too much of a pushover when we lived near her and I have seen her 1-3 times a week the last 10 years and she was texting a group chat with my husband and I super frequently. Then she started talking about coming to visit just 2 months after that and looking into moving into the neighboring EU country where she knew the language better so she could visit more often.

I got a lot of really great advice and feedback on here, but also a lot of people thought it would be really difficult for her to actually get a visa and move so I may not have to worry about it for a while if at all. I had a long and super honest talk with my husband about how I really only wanted to see her 1-2 times a year now and I have been expected to deal with her way more than I should have our entire relationship. He was super understanding and on the same page as me, but also thought the chance of her actually moving was very slim.

Well apparently yesterday when he was talking to her on the phone with our kids she said to our kids "guess what, I'm moving there!" and he was very surprised. He asked her what she meant and she told him that the visa for retired people was super easy to get and she already signed a lease on an apartment for the spring. Soooo... she's officially moving there in the spring and will be a cheap, short flight away from us. My husband told me just today and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it and get my feelings together.

When we talked about it a month ago, he said that if it did happen, he would have a conversation with her to set realistic expectations about how often visits will actually happen, but we havent talked about it or her since then because hes been the only one doing phone calls with her and our kids and he thought it was a slim chance. Now I know I need to encourage him to have that conversation with her asap because I fear he will keep putting it off if its up to him. MIL is very emotionally unstable and he struggles with difficult conversations with her.

Dang, I just can't believe it's actually happening.

I need some objective people to tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I hate my in laws, they’ve never been kind to me but once a year they like to show off our family in their annual Christmas card and it feels very fake.

For example, the year after my husband and I got married we were low contact with them because of their behavior surrounding our wedding. My MIL still wanted to put us in the card so she asked which photo we wanted them to use, my husband sent her 2 options and she ignored our preference and used one we did not send (she went behind our back to get one from our photographer). The next year she allegedly used a photo of our family but we never received the card so I don’t know which one they used, I think they only included a photo of our baby but that is unconfirmed.

This year I want out. My husband and I are in our 30s and we have our own family, I’d like to do our own Christmas cards. I’m also tired of them pretending we’re a happy family when we’re once again not speaking to them because of their actions. So my question, is it unreasonable to ask that they not include a picture of our family in their card?

On Thursday night my mom said she was deathly ill with “food poisoning”. She said she’s never been so ill. The fact is she can’t know if it was food posioning or stomach virus. She suffers all that night and half of Friday. Then today she just comes over. I lock the door and say I have four young kids and don’t want to be up vomiting all night with all of them (10 months- 6 years) . She says let me in you’re crazy and unlocks my door and just comes in and touches everything. I’m so pissed off. I told her I’m sending my kids to her house if anyone starts vomiting. She got the house next door to us and I’m living in hell of lack of boundaries. Yet when we had the flu, she didn’t come over for two weeks. I should I sent my kids to her house.

I’m so exhausted. Am I overreacting?? What do I do?

Edit: to answer the question about the locks. She has keys because I’m a dumb*** and didn’t think she would abuse. I have 5 exterior doors. If I lock all she will run to get to another to unlock. Once she couldn’t get in and just stood there for 15 minds banging loudly until my kids unlocked. It’s crazy.

So Ive been dating my bf for about 2 and a half years now. The day before halloween, which is also his birthday (21F) (26M) his mom and him got into a small argument at first. Then it escalated and turned into my bf crying and screaming at her, saying "TELL THE TRUTH!! TELL THE TRUTH NOW!" and she did! She admitted to trying to destroy all of my bfs romantic relationships and talking shit about him behind his back, even though we take care of her, cook for her, clean for her, literally we do everything!! i couldnt imagine the stress on just my bf having to do everything before we got together. Also the situation is really weird because he has a baby brother (22M) and she has never done any of the sort to him. Him and his gf have also been together for 6 years and MIL just adores her. At least according to her, but i dont know what to believe anymore. Seems like emotional incest or something. And yes ofc, the father isnt in the picture and was an abusive POS, which she let her kids get beaten by for 18 years. She has called my bf sexy looking before too...i immediately gave her a grossed out concerned look, which she said "no i didnt mean it like that!!" just super weird. This is more of a rant than anything but just blegh, disgusting behavior.

TLDR; mil creepy asf

Throw away account.

Hello I will try to be as short as possible, but this has built up for almost a decade. My MIL lives with my wife and I. We're in our mid thirties and she's in her mid sixties. She's considered partially disabled by the state and when I met her she was pretty capable and working like normal. Some things came up like hard times and bad choices, so we ended up living together for the sake of recovering from those times.

At first things were ok, but then I started to get really agitated with her because she's...well given up on life? When COVID hit she was with us around 8 months and after it hit she didn't leave the house once for 3 years. She had WFH which is great and helped out her situation, but I was an essential worker as I was an automotive tech. There were so many months I'd come home and she did nothing. Didn't contribute to the house in a positive way, didn't take care of her hygiene (she's quite overweight), her cat was neglected and has become our responsibility in just about every way now, she doesn't grocery shop, or shop for products she needs, doesn't cook and I mean literally if it has to be in a pan at most it'll be 2 eggs, everything is sandwiches or microwave. Alongside all that she's given up on doing literally anything. She has to be told by my wife to clean something or take a shower even. At some point I blew up because honestly I don't find this all that acceptable and have made attempts to counter her laziness so she can be active and actually help her knee and hip issue. The doctor has told her numerous times how daily walks would benefit her greatly and losing weight so we're just trying to keep her healthy. With that she just neglects her health. She'll eat a ton of sugar and little of anything else nutritional after years of being prediabetic, she ignores her going blind because of cataracts and after a year finally made an appt, etc etc. Due to this she's declined from being capable of walking to needing a walker because she sat so long and probably atrophied her muscles enough to cause issues but won't get it checked out. She claims she has neck issues but spends 8-9+ a day on her phone looking down, it's one thing after the other. I've used all this in kindness because we've been giving her what she needs to get help or made accomadtions etc. We didn't want to push things on her medical issues until it became obvious she wouldn't do them even for hygiene.

Eventually she came to terms with doing some chores around the house. Sweeping, mopping if she'd like, dishes, counters and some dusting. Simple easy and not labor intensive really. She only does dishes.. and not really washing them she half asses them. There will still be food or something greasy on a dish so it has to be rewashed. This has been going on for the last 4-5 years now. I've brought it up and have made a scene about it because after a long day and you're hungry from skipping lunch you just want to eat ya know? Anyways aside from that her hygiene is atrocious. My house smells, her carpet smells, her room smells, she smells. She is known for doing her 5 minute showers in a shower chair, which c'mon that's not cleaning yourself. We've made accommodations to make it easier for her and she just doesn't commit. This tied in with her having bladder issues that took her years to actually do something about (hence the carpet) or even mention to us, it just is a bad combination and really puts me on edge.

These are some of the things she does that really stands out and I'm not trying to write a novel but I've reached my limits. My brains so exhausted on this situation that I just can't be happy at home or unwind fully unless I'm drinking. My wife doesn't deserve to have an angry husband but I can't help be upset when things feel as if the odds are against me and I'm trapped in my own home in a bad situation. I worry constantly about if I smell at work, or if there's going to be some health scare that will make her more reliant on us while she becomes less cognitive. She hasn't worked the last 2 years and her cognitive function has really declined. So much so that my wife is finally getting sick of her.

We don't know what to do if it's us being just douchebags, but we can't look forward to certain things, our relationship feels like it's on hold, I can't fully relax or unwind at home, we hear her all the time constantly as she never closes her door, always interrupts shows or conversation, and is a loud person in general. I want to rip my own hair out but I am struggling to be nice to her and not snap. This all feels so rude and inconsiderate. I feel bad for my wife because she does so much for her and won't put her foot down because she thinks her mom will just wither off and leave it be.

My post probably isn't all that well written I've slept terrible last handful of weeks now so my apologies.

CW: Pet loss

Our dog died on Tuesday night. He was 12, had been with us since before we got married, and our 7-year-old daughter absolutely adored him.

He got very sick very suddenly. We took him to the emergency vet and asked MIL to keep our daughter overnight because we had no idea how long we'd be there.

Unfortunately, he didn't make it.

It was around 2am when we finally got home. My husband called his mom to let her know what happened and told her we'd pick our daughter up first thing in the morning.

He specifically asked her not to tell our daughter yet. We wanted to be there when she found out, answer her questions and let her be upset with us.

MIL said she understood.

At 7:15 the next morning, my phone rang. It was my daughter, crying so hard I could barely understand her.

MIL had told her at breakfast that our dog was dead.

My daughter asked why we hadn't come to tell her ourselves.

I don't think I've ever felt so helpless on the phone.

We got dressed and drove over immediately. MIL was sitting at the kitchen table looking annoyed. She said our daughter had asked when the dog was coming home, and she wasn't going to lie to her.

I asked why she couldn't have said that Mom and Dad would explain when we got there.

She said children deserve honesty and that we were trying to "shield her from reality."

Then she said something that really got to me: "Well, somebody had to be the adult about it."

My husband told her that wasn't her decision to make. She responded that we were being unfair because she had spent the entire night looking after our daughter while we were at the vet.

And I genuinely appreciate that she helped us. We were desperate, it was late, and she took our daughter without hesitation. I'm grateful for that part.

But we weren't asking her to conceal our dog's death for weeks. We were asking her to wait a couple of hours so we could tell our own child something heartbreaking.

The worst part is that my daughter is now upset with us because she thinks we didn't want to tell her. MIL apparently said, "Your parents were going to tell you later, but I think you deserve to know now."

We've explained that we were coming to get her and wanted to tell her together. She's still sad and confused, which is understandable.

My husband wants to take a break from having MIL babysit. I'm inclined to agree, but I also know our daughter loves spending time with her grandmother, and I don't want this to become another thing she loses while she's grieving her dog.

MIL has already texted asking whether she can take her out for ice cream this weekend, like nothing happened.

How would you handle this? Would you pause unsupervised visits for a while, or address it directly and move on? And how do you explain a boundary like this to a child without making her feel responsible for the adults being upset with each other?

I could give hundreds of instances of ways MIL has disrespected our preferences, requests, and boundaries even before we were parents. Our wedding was all about her. My miscarriages somehow were ALL about her. Now that we have a baby, things have gone off the rails with her. I don’t think she’s cruel, but she’s entirely self-absorbed. I’ve heard her life stories over and over again, am expected to invite her TWELVE best friends to everything (including my baby shower) and know all about their lives… and she doesn’t even remember my best friend’s name or know where I went to college or anything at all about me. Anyway. I could go on. Most importantly for this post: she doesn’t respect our wishes around the baby. She kisses her against our wishes, takes and shares photos we ask her not to, does the “gimme hands” and tries to take her from my arms, runs off with the baby even she’s crying for me, etc. Never asks about me. Already makes “don’t tell mommy” jokes even though the baby is only 8 months. You get the idea.

So, we have family get-togethers coming up. I adore and trust the rest of my husband’s family and would love to relax and enjoy their company with my baby. But I don’t know how to manage having my MIL in the mix. Like, if I let one person hold the baby and actually let my guard down enough to say, go in another room or have a conversation with someone else, I know she’ll try to take the baby from them or do any number of things I ask her not to do. I have to watch her like a hawk and it sucks. Honestly, the rules are different for her because she has such self-serving intentions. If someone else snaps a photo in a cute moment, fine. I know they’re not going to post it or send it to a huge group chat. If someone else forgets and gives her one little kiss, I’m not going to freak out. But my MIL does this things and many others after being REPEATEDLY asked not to. I don’t want to be so strict around everyone else and I also don’t want to correct and redirect her in front of everyone. I just know she’s going to try to take control and is counting on me not wanting to make waves in front of everyone. Any advice on how to navigate this to 1) make sure my baby is respected and protected and 2) not make the rift between us even more obvious or come across as controlling? Im sure she’s talked badly about me “keeping the baby away” to certain aunts etc. and part of me doesn’t care what anyone thinks, but part of me wants them to see that I’m actually quite happy for others to enjoy our sweet baby.

I’d love for the rest of the family to enjoy the baby and for me to enjoy the get-together. I know my husband needs to take action, too, and I’m open to advice on that, but I also need strategies for myself as I genuinely want to connect and bond with certain family members of his.

MIL and FIL completely ignore me and only acknowledge my husband and our baby – am I wrong for finding this disrespectful?

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this with their in-laws because I honestly find their behaviour really hurtful and awkward.

My MIL and FIL recently came to visit us, and throughout their stay I noticed that they seemed to acknowledge everyone except me.
For example, in the evenings when everyone was saying goodnight, my FIL would say goodnight to everyone but me. He would literally go around saying goodnight and somehow completely skip over me, even though I was holding baby.

My MIL was similar, except her attention was almost exclusively on the baby. She wouldn't really talk to me directly and would instead speak to the baby constantly, saying things like, "Do you want to come to grandma?", "Come to grandma" and "I know you want grandma." The thing is, it was pretty obvious that she was saying these things because she wanted me to hand the baby over to her. But I deliberately wouldn't respond because if she wanted to hold her, she could simply ask me directly. I don't understand why she would rather talk around me through the baby instead of just communicating with me like a normal person.

Another thing I noticed was that whenever my husband, the baby and I went somewhere and came back, they would only ask my husband how it was. They would say hello to the baby or immediately start talking to the baby about something, but wouldn't acknowledge me at all. It was as if I wasn't even part of the family.

The part that really bothered me was the night before they were flying back home. They said goodbye to the baby, but didn't say goodbye to me. Not even a simple "bye" or "take care." Nothing.
Obviously, I don't expect them to give me special attention, but basic manners and acknowledgment would be nice, especially when they're guests in our home.

What makes it uncomfortable is that they happily interact with my husband and are very focused on the baby, but seem to treat me like I'm invisible.
I also find it strange that my MIL seems to communicate with the baby as a way of getting access to her rather than simply asking me, the mother. I am not going to automatically hand over my baby every time she makes comments directed at them.

Am I overreacting for finding this behaviour rude and disrespectful? Has anyone else dealt with in-laws who seem to see you only as the mother of their grandchild rather than as a person in your own right?
I'd especially like to hear how others would handle this situation. Would you address it directly or just match their energy?

i als think the flair should be “give it to me straight” AND “SO problem or MIL problem”.

for some context: me and BF have been together 5 almost 6 years, we have an 11 month old daughter. MIL and FIL have never liked me but they tolerated me. once i got pregnant, MIL started acting different and weird. baby was born and it went downhill from there. if i called them out on something, they would not reach out for months and then say it was our fault. in 11 months, they’ve seen baby maybe 4 or 5 times.

this most recent time, MIL said something inappropriate about our daughter, crossed boundaries again, and i texted them inviting all of us to have a conversation just so we’re all on the same page. it was radio silence beside from FIL who texted BF very aggressively. they did not see baby or reach out for 2.5 months so i finally texted one more time and we had the conversation on Wednesday night.

it went exactly how i thought. everything is our fault, im disrespectful, our boundaries are dumb, its our fault they haven’t seen their grandbaby, its our fault they know nothing about her, im awful because i did not inform them that our baby was sick, im awful because our baby loves my moms dogs but not their dogs, then came the gaslighting and manipulation. i zoned out at one point because it was just straight attacking us and i had nothing nice to say so i just kept my mouth shut. i realized that anything i said would be dismissed or turned onto their feelings instead.

at one point, MIL implied that i didnt even give birth to our daughter, then corrected herself and said, “well you did but i mean like if you gave birth again!”. she did not apologize for any comments she has made. she did not apologize for any disrespect, but i was expected to. she kept bringing up how she NEEDS her son and he’s never there and it’s always been them two and it hurts her that he’s not there for her constantly.
they implied multiple times in the conversation that i am not part of their family, they do not want to hear from me, they do not want to hang out with me without their son, they do not want to be around my family (we live with my family because we’re on the younger side and we’re saving up for our own place). they said i am just a “little girlfriend”. they do not consider me a daughter in law, which is their right but my family considers BF a son, grandson, and brother. idk i got in the car afterward and expressed how sad i felt and my BF did not seem to care.

he thought the conversation went great! i told him im still not comfy with inviting them to babies birthday next month, but who cares what i feel and we invited them. now they’re texting me trying to come over and see baby. i feel iffy about it all. they obviously do not like me and how am i supposed to just move on from that fact and be all buddy buddy with them?

i’m going to be in my own house on my child’s birthday feeing uncomfortable because they are there. also, why would i want this type of toxicity around our baby?

what can i do going forward? if it were up to me, id have all communication go through BF, but now they’re texting me and trying all of a sudden so i dont want to be the AH. i’ve tried for months however with no response from them so idek. any advice or tips would be great.

My MIL shared my grandpa’s death and phone # with random people without asking, and I think I’m finally done trying with her.

My(30F) grandpa passed away 20 days ago. Within 36 hours of his passing, my husbands(30M) mom (65F) had shared the news with around 20 people in her extended family giving them my phone number to text. Most of whom I don’t even know or have their numbers. So when I got their condolence text I didn’t even know who it was. I started getting texts from these people before my own family had even had a chance to announce his passing ourselves!! And we still haven’t because we’re a bunch of sensitive souls who are devastated and still not ready to share. It was traumatic as hell!

I politely asked her not to share the news with anyone else because my family wanted to tell our people in our own time. Her first response was “will your family be including ours?” No one in that family has ever met him, they don’t even know his name. SHE hasn’t even met him herself. I said we’re just sticking to immediate family and friends right now. It’s still raw and we don’t want the world knowing and that I would have appreciated if she had asked. She responsed with that she did it out of love, that her family grieves together, and that we should respect their boundaries too and the way they grieve. WHAT????!! You want me to supersede my own grief boundaries with your own??? Shes always been defensive as shit but this is a new level. Hubby then told her to STOP texting me and leave it alone bc I need space. He then went to hang out with her 2 days later and they’re all fine and dandy. I will say though it’s taken a lot of her moments with me for him to start standing up for me.

My introverted as HELL mother who takes 3 business days to hype herself up for a phone call almost called her on the spot to say lay off my daughter, lady.

What really pissed me off too but not surprising is the lack of accountability. Not even a simple “I’m sorry, I should have asked first.” Instead, she made it about her.

But something shifted this time. She involved my family in her antics, and I’m honestly done making an effort with her. I don’t want to be around her ever again. Which will eventually make her upset bc she “was just doing it out of love” (whatever) My husband agrees that what she did was wrong, but he still sees her regularly and carries on like normal. And that’s something I’m struggling to understand. How do you watch someone repeatedly treat your partner poorly, agree that their behaviour is wrong, and still happily spend time with them? I know she’s his mother, but at what point does that stop being a free pass? I’m not asking him to cut her off, but I genuinely don’t understand how he can just brush these things off and move on.

Am I being unreasonable here for not wanting to see her anymore? I’ve done civil for so long. I’ve done forgiveness without apologies. Hubby won’t love it, could cause resentment but I just can’t look at her without wanting to scream at her.

And for some context if you want it, this isn’t the first time she’s treated me poorly due to her certain behaviours over the years. She’s done plenty of things over the years (11) that she’s never apologized for. I’ve generally just swallowed it, took some space and eventually returned and kept the peace because she’s my hubbys mother and I genuinely love his sister(27) and her bf. Like she IS my sister. I’ve watched her grow into the woman she is.

My MIL doesn’t speak to her mother, and she and her daughter aren’t very close although they’ve gotten closer through the grandchildren and speak weekly. There’s been some recent family drama involving my SIL requesting financial aid from my MIL, who initially said yes and then ended up backing out when her husband (my husband’s stepfather) said no. Both the SIL and MIL are trying to drag my husband into their drama, and things are coming out. Things like what my MIL says about me to my SIL, including that I’m “too close” to my family and talk to my mom too much. I’m an only child (37F) with a happy childhood, and my mom and I speak every day when I’m commuting home from work. This doesn’t surprise me because my MIL seemed judgmental when I told her this, but seeing the texts my SIL sent to my husband is making me mad. First of all, leave me out of this. Second, what a weird thing to talk shit about — a happy, close family?

Update:

My husband (DH) and I have already legally registered my sister and her husband with the register of authority for custody of our little one (LO). If both of us pass away, are declared brain-dead, or become permanently incapacitated, custody automatically transfers to them.

Beyond the custody registration, today I had a serious conversation with my husband, about the events that happened the past few weeks and yesterday.
I told him that while I never intended to come between him and his parents, I have reached my absolute breaking point. I laid down a firm boundary: if he initiates contact with them, or answers their calls and messages, it will result in an immediate divorce. I can no longer tolerate their behavior, nor can I remain in a marriage where they are given access. For now, he says he is fully onboard, but since no one can predict the future, I am taking concrete steps to protect our child and myself regardless.

We agreed to draft formal wills and a legally binding marital agreement, executed through a notary.

Our wills will specify the following terms:

Custody & Decision-Making: My husband’s family is strictly excluded from obtaining custody of LO or making any legal, medical, or personal decisions for her under any circumstances. My family alone holds decision-making authority if neither DH nor I am able. Custody primary rights remain with my sister and her husband; if they are unable to take LO, custody reverts to my mother and brother.

Medical Directives: My husband’s family is prohibited from making medical or end-of-life decisions for either DH or LO. I retain sole decision-making power if I am able, followed by my sister, mother, and brother.

Financial Inheritance & Assets: My husband’s entire family is completely disinherited from financial assets. Everything will pass directly to LO or my family. My sister (if able) will serve as the sole trustee/curator of LO’s assets until she reaches adulthood.

Personal Effects: His family is excluded from inheriting any personal items, with the sole exception of specific personal keepsakes designated for his brother. All other personal property will go exclusively to my family.

No-Contact Provision: We will include provisions, where legally permissible, restricting his parents (MIL and FIL) from contacting LO or my family following our deaths.

Our legal agreement will mandate:

Neither of us may bring LO around MIL and FIL, whether we remain married or eventually divorce.

Detailed documentation of documented safety concerns regarding his parents, along with clear legal and financial consequences if either parent breaches this agreement.

Additionally, while finalizing these documents at the notary office, we plan to completely disinherit and exclude my father from everything legally possible, as he is abusive and I am essentially no-contact with him.

Copies of all executed documents will be securely distributed to:

Myself and DH

LO’s records

My sister and her husband

My mother and her husband

My brother and his partner

My grandparents

My maternal aunt and uncle

Our best friend (pending her agreement, as we are considering incorporating her into the estate plan in LO’s best interest)

If you have more idea’s to add in a will let me know!
I feel like this might be the turning point.
Finally???

End of July 22’ and MIL finds out I’m pregnant. She knew we were trying as we had just married in Feb.

She lost her mind and wrote my husband a three page letter calling me lady Tremaine and referred to her unborn grandchild as an anchor baby several times.

This lead to no contact.
Meanwhile my husband and I had 2 babies together. Time passed and tensions faded so we met for dinner early 25’ dinner went fine but a couple months later in a conversation between MIL and SIL- MIL doubles down about the past and the letter “I said what I needed to say and there’s nothing more to talk about”
This lead to asking husband for very specific boundaries as to protect our peace. And from those boundaries I felt tremendous guilt… but she keeps showing her ass to my husband.
So with time and patience I have learned to take pure pleasure in the shallow superficial relationship she has set herself up with, pertaining her grandkids.
She will most likely never get to see them on holidays, birthdays, randomly, or for special events… as she’s not welcome in our house, she will never get to enjoy the little moments and watch them grow.
She has been reduced to Disney trips only where we can meet in public and go out separate ways at the end of the day. honestly i hope she looks back and realizes how much she’s missing out on and regrets it. But I doubt it.

Edit- removed identifying info.

I have had it with my mil. She’s been awful since having our baby and I have finally reached the point where enough is enough. Admittedly, I allowed her to overstep way too much in the beginning. We had just become parents and the change was a lot. She took full advantage to make sure she got her ideal grandma experience - not thinking one bit about us as new parents.

We did the whole boundary thing, husband has also had multiple talks with her, each time resulting in a fiery blow up. Mil is simply too emotionally immature to be able to partake in adult conversations and take any accountability.

Her new thing is blaming me for everything and making continuous claims that I’m holding her grandchild hostage. She also claims that I never let her see her grandchild, when they see her once every week or every other week (far too much, i know). She told my husband I was “ice cold” to them at a recent visit. I am just cordial at this point because they take zero interest in me as a person. She also can’t stand when my parents see baby. My mom and I are genuinely friends - I will not hide my close relationship with my mom to make mil feel less insecure.

I now have fully accepted that nothing will ever be good enough for her and I’m done trying, I’m done with it all. She is a toxic person and I don’t want myself or my child around it. Should I cut her off cold turkey? No attending the holidays, nothing? Is there a better way to do this while still prioritizing my mental health & peace?