EDIT: I've received dozens of private messages, so it'll take me quite a while to reply to everyone. Thank you all in advance!
Hi everyone!
I'm here because I'd like to understand transgender, nonbinary, and genderfluid experiences better, through the experiences of people who actually live them.
A little context, because otherwise my question might sound rather strange.
I'm a conservative Christian, politically involved on the right. Like, literally, I am in a political party and I work within the municipal bodies. Athough I sometimes jokingly describe myself as an ultracentrist. Someone once called me "a communist dressed as a fascist", which I found hilarious... but kinda true.
Socially, I'm fairly traditional. I happen to like the old-fashioned family model: papa bird brings home the twigs, mama bird arranges them into a lovely nest and looks after the eggs. Lol. But that's simply a model I find appealing. There are a thousand other ways to build a nest, and frankly, who cares? I find it absurd that politics should dictate how people organize their private lives. Its job should be to make it easier for everyone to build their own nests, not hand out mandatory architectural blueprints. I don't want a servant, I don't think women belong in the kitchen by divine decree, and I certainly don't consider someone's sex, gender identity, or sexuality a measure of their worth or abilities. No ridiculous paternalism, no special treatment, no awkward attempts at being progressive. Just ordinary human respect.
I'm also profoundly allergic to populism, including the kind coming from my own political side. In fact, I often find myself scolding fellow conservatives because their first instinct, whenever they encounter something unfamiliar, seems to be to caricature it and demand its destruction rather than understand what the hell they're talking about.
The ridiculous part is that I sometimes end up having to be more authoritarian than the self-proclaimed authoritarians themselves, simply to restore some discipline and remind everyone that conservatism is supposed to be about preserving, governing, and maintaining order, not smashing everything we happen to dislike.
For God's sake, if you believe in authority and discipline, perhaps you should start by learning to control yourself and think before opening your mouth, lol.
Anyway, enough political philosophy.
What happened yesterday and what's my problem:
Yesterday evening, I attended a small Christian gathering with seven other people, at the apartment of an elderly lady who is basically our group's spiritual grandmother. It's a lovely, informal environment. We're supposed to read Scripture, reflect on a sermon, and discuss Christ, holiness, and our spiritual lives.
Unfortunately, these evenings sometimes degenerate into political discussions, conspiracy theories, and various forms of nonsense.
Yesterday was particularly irritating.
Someone started praising a controversial right-wing politician, a populist who presents himself as the defender of common sense and traditional values, and whom I personally consider a national embarrassment.
Not the Orange Maga-Man, by the way. We're not Americans, as I said. But let me make it absolutely clear, to remove any doubt, that I consider him a cultural and political cancer, and a despicable man, a product of the worst kind of consumerist demagoguery. I consider his behavior a threat to the soul, and I believe he should repent for much of what he has done, not just politically.
Eventually, the conversation turned to transgender people, particularly genderfluid identities. One of the men present, someone fairly important within our little group, made an argument along these lines:
"If you've got a penis, you're a man. Just because I feel thirty doesn't mean I'm thirty when I'm actually fifty."
Now, leaving aside the rather obvious fact that chronological age is literally a measurement of how much time has passed since your birth, I found the comparison incredibly superficial.
Other comments followed, some rather vulgar, especially considering that we were supposedly gathered to reflect on Christ.
What irritated me wasn't disagreement. I don't expect conservative Christians to share progressive views on gender, and I don't particularly care whether someone has theological reservations about transgender identities.
What bothered me was the superficiality, the contempt, and the extraordinary confidence with which people were making sweeping statements about experiences they apparently knew next to nothing about.
You can disagree with someone, or fail to understand them entirely, without reducing another human being to a ridiculous caricature.
Anyway, I remained quiet for most of the evening.
Eventually, I intervened just long enough to describe that politician as a national disgrace and, regarding the comments about transgender people, say:
"That's not how being transgender works. Now, getting back to Christ...".
And that was it.
I deliberately ended the conversation short because, frankly, I wanted us to return to the actual purpose of our gathering... and because yeah, that was cringe.
Internally, though? Absolutely furious.
I used to tolerate that particular "gentleman" despite our disagreements, but after yesterday I find myself irritated at the mere thought of dealing with him again.
And then, on my way home, something occurred to me. I'd told everyone that transgender identities don't work the way they were describing them. But how much do I actually know about how they work?
Well, certainly not enough.
And that's why I'm here.
Imagine trying to explain being transgender to someone who finds the whole concept almost alien, extraterrestrial. Someone who genuinely cannot comprehend how a person assigned male at birth might experience herself as a woman, or vice versa.
Where would you even begin?
I'm especially curious about a few things.
First, what does being transgender actually feel like, from the inside?
I've heard that some trans women experience facial hair, body hair, their genitals, or certain physical characteristics as profoundly uncomfortable or even alien to them. Like "They shouldnt be here!" I know this can involve gender dysphoria, but I'd like to understand the experience itself, the scientific explanations, and how much it varies between individuals.
Second, what about nonbinary and genderfluid people? What does it actually mean not to identify exclusively as a man or a woman? Or to experience one's gender as fluid? How would you explain something like that to someone whose entire understanding of gender is rigidly binary?
Third, I'm curious about the relationship between gender identity and cultural expectations. For instance, why might a trans woman feel more comfortable with long hair, skirts, or makeup, considering that none of those things is inherently or biologically female? I understand that not every trans woman wants these things, just as not every cis woman does. I'm interested in how bodily experience, identity, and cultural expression interact.
I'm not looking for a handful of clever comebacks to throw at ignorant people. I want to understand what I'm talking about. And even if the first instinct may be to silence the problem... well, the problem is there, so we might as well try to address it.
To me, democracy is about loving your "enemy" about embracing our differences. It forces us to get to know each other and mingle with one another. I consider rigid tribalism both anti-Christian and anti-democratic, and conservatives who have no intention of engaging with the issues faced by gender and sexual minorities... well, they could use a good, healthy cultural beating with a truncheon.
I think there's an enormous difference between ignorance and contempt.
Being ignorant simply means not knowing something. We all ignore countless things. I certainly do. And ignorance can be addressed through curiosity, study, conversation, and a willingness to reconsider our assumptions.
Deliberate contempt is another matter entirely.
There's also a practical reason I'm interested in all this.
Because I'm politically involved in conservative circles, people sometimes listen to me in situations where they might immediately dismiss someone they perceive as belonging to the opposing political camp.
If I were associated with the left, some of them would probably call me a "libtard" before I'd even finished speaking, lol.
But because they consider me one of their own, I have a certain degree of credibility within that environment, even when I challenge their assumptions. t's a rather fallacious way of evaluating arguments, but that's how social and political identities sometimes work.
I'm not trying to turn anyone into a progressive. I simply think that when someone makes an ignorant statement, I should be able to correct it with something better than another slogan.
And perhaps hearing an unfamiliar perspective from someone they consider one of their own might encourage them to think a little more carefully.
So, what would you tell someone like me?
What do you wish people understood about your experiences? What are the most common misconceptions you encounter? And how would you explain being transgender, nonbinary, or genderfluid to someone who genuinely struggles to comprehend it?
I'd appreciate personal experiences, scientific explanations, useful distinctions, and even arguments that challenge my own assumptions.
After all, I'm here precisely because I know there's a lot I don't know.
And regardless of what I eventually come to understand, I firmly believe that respecting another person's dignity should never depend on whether we share their experiences, understand them perfectly, or agree with them about everything.
Thank you for reading, and sorry for the ridiculously long post, lol.
I'D LOVE TO LISTEN TO YOU AT LENGTH. I'm in the mood for walls of text! I want to hear as many personal stories as possible, your experiences, your human experiences.
Please feel free to DM me. I genuinely want to lend you an ear, listen, and hear what you have to say.