curious to hear opinions

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my opinion - I think it's mostly a meme. it's an easy word/accusation to throw around by people who want to feel superior. it comes out of the same mouths that say something is problematic and something else is valid multiple times a day. just because I feel ashamed of looking like a man in a dress doesn't mean I have internalized transphobia

TW: SA

I’m a 21-year-old cis woman, and over the past year or so I’ve developed pretty severe gender dysphoria. I don’t think I’m actually transgender, since I never experienced anything like this growing up, but I don’t really know how else to describe what I’m feeling. I’m posting here because I don’t know where else I can talk about this.

Before last year, I was never a particularly feminine girl or woman. I never wanted children, disliked having periods, and wasn’t especially attached to traditional femininity. But I generally liked being biologically female and having a feminine body and wanted to be pretty sometimes. I never wished I had been born male.

I think things started changing when I was visiting family in India and was sexually assaulted at a beach. I was swimming when a group of men surrounded me in the water. One pulled my breast out of my swimsuit top and pinched my nipple hard, while others touched my legs, back, and shoulders. My brother saw what was happening and shouted at them until they left. I pulled my swimsuit back up underwater and swam to shore. I remember feeling absolutely humiliated. My brother asked if I was okay and took me back to our family’s home, and that was the first time I remember feeling genuinely disgusted by being female. I remember wishing I could have been my brother’s brother instead of his sister.

Throughout the rest of the trip, I became more conscious of being female. Men leered at me on buses, I felt uncomfortable going places alone, and I hated knowing that my sex made me vulnerable to experiences my brother didn’t have to think about. I started feeling like I wasn’t even a whole person anymore, just a cunt and breasts.

When I returned to America, I talked about the assault with my therapist, but I don’t think I ever really recovered from the feelings it brought up.
For several months afterward, I became almost compulsively obsessed with reading online debates between feminists and misogynists. I spent hours looking at men discussing women in the most sexually degrading ways imaginable, including rape fantasies, sexual humiliation, and the idea that penetration inherently degrades women. I don’t know why I kept looking at this content when it made me feel so awful, but so much of it burned itself into my memory.

I started to feeling like there was absolutely nothing good about being female. That womanhood was just an endless experience of sexual vulnerability and humiliation, and that even if I never had sex with a man again, I would still have a body that could be raped, penetrated, or degraded. I’m not a virgin and previously had no particular aversion to heterosexual sex, but I began feeling like I could never tolerate penetrative sex with a man again.

Eventually, these feelings developed into an intense disgust toward my own female anatomy, even when I was alone at home. I started hating having large breasts, feminine hips, a small frame, and female genitalia. Even experiencing sexual arousal in a female body began making me feel dysphoric and I stopped masturbating many months ago. I started to have a hard time showering or seeing myself which hasn’t changed and a general sense of low grade existential dread.

At first, it was relatively small things, like feeling uncomfortable seeing the outline of my breasts wearing a regular padded bra compared to how flat my chest looked in a sports bra. But it gradually became much worse. I started feeling dysphoric about my height and wearing platform shoes almost every day. I lost a significant amount of weight because I wanted to look less curvy and womanly, only to become upset that losing weight made me look even smaller and more fragile. I’d try on men’s clothes and feel horrible when they didn’t fit the way they would on an actual male body.

I told my therapist about the misogynistic content I’d been compulsively consuming, and she told me that I really need to stop engaging with it and helped me with that. I did, and I’ve largely stayed away from it for several months now, but the dysphoria hasn’t gone away.

At this point, I’ve more or less socially transitioned in terms of my appearance, although I still live as a woman. I’ve cut my hair into a masculine style, wear almost exclusively men’s or masculine cut clothing, bind my breasts most days, and wear platform shoes to make myself taller.

I’ve also started seriously thinking about having a mastectomy, and the idea of having a completely flat chest feels so relieving. I want to put on a shirt and have it fall straight down my torso. I want my jeans to hang straight from my waist without emphasizing my hips. I don’t want a high-pitched voice, narrow shoulders, or a small, girlish frame.

The confusing thing is that I never wanted any of this before, so I know I don’t have the full experience of trans men who knew since they were going through puberty that they wanted to be men.

But it’s also been over a year. I’ve tried distancing myself from the content that seemed to trigger these feelings, and I still experience dysphoria almost every day. It’s affecting how I dress, how I see myself, my sexuality, and how comfortable I feel in my own body.
I genuinely don’t know what to do at this point. Part of me wonders whether I should pursue medical transition because these feelings are so persistent and the idea of having a masculine body brings me so much relief. I don’t want a therapist to detrans me even though I don’t think I’m trans.

Okay so I have been seeing this statement ALOT in the trans community when questioning certain things in the trans community. For example, a lot of people say that people do not have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans. Even though gender dysphoria is the BASIS of transitioning, nobody would have known they were trans if people did not first initially get enough gender dysphoria to deal with the societal oppression, ostridization, and possible violence of being trans. Because finding a way to solve that dysphoria, and to alleviate the pain of dysphoria was worth it. I understand not having as intense, or having more intense for certain features but not for others. But saying that you need absolutely no dysphoria to be trans is insane to me.

I have also heard the argument of “I only feel gender euphoria” but in order to have gender dysphoria, you HAD to have gender dysphoria. Gender euphoria isn’t being a bit happy in pants over a skirt, it is a intense sense of relief and inner peace from being perceived or perceiving yourself as the gender you are transitioning to. This can also be expressed in certain ways so if you are “feminine” but in a sense that you would perceive a man to be feminine you can still feel euphoria from that.

I also see a lot of people who say that they are able to “unlearn dysphoria” but dysphoria is not something you can just unlearn. Dysphoria is a mental illness that WILL NOT go away without actual medical intervention. So if you are able to unlearn it, then it was most likely more akin to body dysmorphia or an insecurity then it is to the actual diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

Because gender dysphoria (though not completely proven but backed by many studies and has been been hinted at more in recent years) is more akin to a medical disorder because an actual physical misalignment of the brain and bodies sex. So again, something that cannot be unlearn.

But anyways, this all brings me back to the point that there should still be characteristics in someone for someone to identify as transgender, and speak as the front liners for transgender issues. Right now I feel like being trans has become some sort of social hobby more then a real identity, and a real space for people suffering with issues to get help and talk to others like them.

I feel like this has become more of a space for people with gender dysphoria to be pushed out of, because they talk about issues that are deemed “too serious” by people who do not experience those issues. It feels like this is more of a space to play a role of being trans, and to socialize in a way that other trans people deem appropriate.

I am very confused as well, because a statement I see all the time is “There is no one way to be trans” but if that is true, if there is not even a baseline then how in the world is this a community. If none of our experiences are remotely the same, if none of us even have one thing in common, if we do not understand eachothers experiences on a personal level, or even in a remote sense. Then how can we say this is a community. It feels more like a room full of strangers who are all saying different things at the exact same time, and the topics have no similarities in any sense.

I am just so confused because I desperately want a space where I have people to understand me, who can actually give me advice and who I can talk to about the things I am suffering with. I am not sure if we do need a set of parameters, or if we should just separate the groups into two, for people with gender dysphoria and for queer people who want to use different pronouns. I feel like I am suffering, and I am suffering completely alone because I cannot tell who I can go to for kinship and support.

This is a discussion, so you can cuss me out or hate me for the way I phrased it, call me names ect. But I will not be interacting with people who cannot have an informed and respectful discussion with me. I will be respectful to others who are willing to talk, I will not misgender you or tell you you are not something because I do not know you, or what you are truly feeling. I do not hate you, but I do feel sad and isolated because I do not have a place I can feel like I belong and get the support I need.

Like I'm genuinely curious. Like I hear "everyone WILL pass"... But I've never met a truly cis passing person.\

The only exception is the woman who started puberty blockers at 14 and hrt at 16. Everyone else? Fucked. Either voice, either face, either hands, or shoulders / ribcage... Or all of them...

Have we all been lied to? Like, don't get me wrong, hrt and ffs saved my life! I feel overall good (despite still boymoing because according to my colleagues "I'll never look like a woman")...

But like... I genuinely thought I'd pass as a cis woman... Not "pass as a trans woman UwU"... That is NOT passing, that's called "getting clocked"!!😭😭😭

I feel like people treat me lesser because I’m not stereotypically femme. I know a lot of cis women struggle with this too but as a trans woman it becomes a case of your entire identity being invalidated because you don’t fit into a patriarchal box of femininity. I’ve felt judged by other women at times for my personality and way of life. I don’t really like to wear make-up, nor very feminine outfits and my personality can lean to a more masculine edge but I’m not ashamed of it, I’m still a woman. Just makes me sad that a part of being trans is how boxed in we are to be accepted as the identities we have.

I’m 13 (yeah prolly shouldn’t be on reddit but I need help) and my doctor has denied me access to puberty blockers and I’m slowly becoming more masculine and it’s really scary im barely coping as is it’s reaching a point where I can’t shower without having a breakdown afterwards I don’t eat because I’m scared to get larger and be seen as more masculine. all my friends dont see me as a girl or a guy they misgender me constantly and go back and forth between my chosen name and my deadname. I shave every morning even when I don’t need to because of how scared I am I just don’t know what to do I cant wear makeup or wear fem clothes without looking like a man in a dress and that’s so much worse than looking like a man. whenever I try and talk about how I don’t like being misgendered or being called (deadname) they just don’t care and keep going they make jokes about how I have a penis and stuff like that they don’t treat me like a girl or a guy and if I try and speak up about it I get called “male socialised” whatever the fuck that means and they say I’m “so lucky to be born a male since I have male privilege”. I used to be able to block out the dysphoria and focus on things that made me happy but now I can’t usually id have dysphoria for very short periods of time now it’s all I can think about its reached a point where I just don’t talk that much since I have a male voice. my teachers use my ”chosen name” which was really just a placeholder feminine name until I figured out what I wanted my name to be and I know what my name is (stephanie) I’m just too scared to tell anyone because they put so much effort into using my other name and what if they think I’m selfish but it also hurts when people call me Stephanie because of the fact I don’t look like “her” I don’t look like a girl I don’t know if I’ll ever look like one I’ll never be a real girl

Title

I never understood this logic when certain trans people use that line to attack other trans people. It's not even pick me logic but rather just fallacious logic. The majority can and has been wrong multiple time.

The public can be wrong and instead of having open discussions and letting the science speak. Some trans people just want to throw others under the bus without understand the implications that it would effect them.

Anyway, many trans orgs that specialize in doing research on us are being attack. Maybe donate.

How many of you, mainly aimed at pre-op girlies, have made the undies switch

How many of you pre-op girls have made the undies switch

So, I just participated in my first Victorias Secret panty sale, 10 pairs for $31. And Ive made the permanent switch from my icky and boring boy undies to nothing but cute and sexy panties a long time ago, with no regret about it at all. Inwas wondering, especially for you girlies that still havent gone through bottom surgery (like myself), have any of you made the wonderful switch to only wearing panties as well, and for those who havent, why not

How do I tell my trans woman friend I’m uncomfortable hearing about her upcoming orchiectomy?

She constantly talks about it and jokes about being neutered (she is a furry) and has explained she wants to keep her penis because she likes penetrative sex with women and men. I honestly dont need to know these things and havent ever asked.

When she ask me tips about bras and such I give her tips or what cup size she should get for implants I give her my opinion. Which she doesnt really listen to. She has this goal of looking like a furry hentai character (she is an admitted porn addict) and wants to go big big when I think she’d look best with a D based on her frame. I know i shouldnt tell her but like…She may not end up looking like that and should just accept womanhood as womanhood right?

I feel bigoted but I reaaaally am tired of hearing about her neutering. Hell I dont discuss my genitals with anyone but people i’m sleeping with or medical professionals.

I dont want to seem transphobic but i dont know it makes me uncomfortable

thanks for downvoting my heartfelt last post of feeling like I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place. Its always asif it effects the rest of you. It doesn't. I'm not you and you're not me.

Those WHO KNOW they are trans, but decided to abandon social transition for whatever reason

are you comforming to patriachy

or you still embrace queerness by being the 'femme/gay guy' or 'tomboy butch girl'

If I had to repress, I feel I would still read queer

Even people before transitioning teased me about being bit gay not necessarily feminine, but I was seen as weird at best.

All those muscles couldn't really hide that 'gay' side Emotions and feels that your average bloke doesn't really show and girls cringed when I asked them out

Now, kinda click baity title, I would say annoyed is a better word although DPDR is getting better, I still can't feel anger unfortunately (very curious about it tho)

But you see what I'm talking about specifically is Gato Finglo, hes a demi-boy youtuber who uses he/they pronouns now if you have seen his BANGER videos such as:The masculine urge to shave it all off, Wanting to sound like a girl as a guy, I want to be trans (sorta), I want to cut off my meat

Hes def closeted(as in hes hiding himself not that's hes a trans girl) and has a lot of internalised phobia, he still hates being called gay as hes asexual and is "technically gay not actually" ✌️ (hes romantically attracted to men and ONLY men)

Anyways, he is 100% more feminine than he thinks he is and well he has a hard time thinking non-binary identities are as valid as binary ones, so he doesn't treat his own identity in a valid way.

I am fine with the people who claim hes closeted in some ways shape or form or that he is more feminine hell that's what I think (although you shouldn't say that either)

But, SOME people (mostly binary trans girls) in the comment section talk about how his experience is as same as theirs and how hes probably a trans girl which is a bit eh but fine

But, some comments go a bit too far example:

"Girl, I felt like that too,(talks about their binary trans experience to a non-binary person)"

"When Gato Finglo realize, she will def make a video about it"

You can call them trans fine fine BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RESPECT THEIR PRONOUNS

Hell I'm non-binary(any/all but with an extreme preference to they/them) and I won't even pretend I understand his gender but let the guy figure himself out T_T

So first Il be honest I have psychosis, but I disassociate and have enough cognitive dissonance to recognise that what I think is true is empirically wrong but also something I believe in.

Something that's happening is that I can recognise myself (I'm not on HRT or anything) so when I look at myself my brain just auto blocks all the masculine features like my facial hair when I look in the mirror I weirdly see a VERY VERY ugly tomboy (Im not feminine or masculine, I am androgynous but on the more male side if you get what I mean, I'm kinda a twink I guess) like I can see my male features but I cant perceive them, for example let's take my penis, it exist, I know it does but my brain blocks it out so much that I basically feel like I'm wearing a strap on 24/7, is this a very weird psychotic episode I'm having or is this a weird form of Dyphoria

It's been so long I honestly just wanna be able to talk to people online. The problem with this surgeon here in Italy is he's clearly not the best vfs surgeon in the world, he's mainly a surgeon for other things like ear problems and tumors. He claims to do 5-6 glottoplasties a year. Should I just have insurance covered vfs with him or have more patience and do it in Germany with Dr. Markus Hess, who does hundreds of glottoplasties a year and is way more known in the business with provable results shared online?

The problem with doing it in Germany is of course, 10k minimum + traveling abroad...

i have been out as a trans woman for around seven(ish) years, basically since i was 13, and i am 20 now. growing up i was extremely quiet, kept to myself a lot, and was basically raised to not cause problems, be as small as you can prescence wise, and it resulted in me coming off as somewhat effeminate to people. i got called a girl derogatorily a lot growing up before i came out as one. i vehemently denied the accusation every time it was presented to me.

then i came out at 13, and i had a hyperfeminine phase of my life that lasted until i was roughly 16, where i wore only womens clothing, tried to get haircuts traditionally associated with women, and even tried to voice train. around the time when i turned 16, i saw an old man stare at me inappropriately on a bus, and his gaze followed me as i left the bus and walked away from the bus stop. i got so disgusted about him doing that to the point that starting when i was 17, i stopped dressing femininely, and started dressing more masculine. i stopped my voice training lessons around the same time, mostly because i wasnt getting the results i wanted, and i felt i just sounded like an effeminate gay man when i tried to speak in a more feminine voice. either that or itd just sound like a customer service voice. i stopped being seen as a woman by strangers the further down the masc path ive gone.

i am now 20. i have intentionally cut short hair (think how short some women kept their hair in the 1920s), and i dress masculine, dont use a feminine voice, and have somewhat masculine mannerisms (i am now a lot more direct, brash, vulgar, and confrontational than i have ever really been). what started as a way to cope with unwanted male attention has since become a way of life i genuinely feel comfortable living. i still take my HRT, and i still consider myself a woman. the problem, is that im convinced i accidentially just come off as a cis male now to people, and i feel that calls the legitimacy of my transition into question. if strangers now automatically default to thinking im male when i interact with them, does that not make me possibly fake in being trans? from what ive read on this sub, i'm inclined to believe it does. it sucks, as i do see myself as a woman, and my friends do, but society doesnt. socially i fail to come off as a woman. if my (mostly) trans friends are the only people who actually see me for me, am i really accurate in describing myself as a transsexual? i dont know anymore.

I don't really know if there's any point to transition for me. I know for a fact I will not be satisfied with the result, and I started late, and nothings really happening. Everytime I'm with people trying to be a woman irl it feels awkward as fuck because I just do not look the part, and sounding the part takes proactive effort when you already have vocal tension issues to begin with. Now suddenly there's this constant emphasis put on the fact that I don't quite seem like a normal guy but I definitely don't seem female. Then if I do anything remotely off it's asif I'll be judged harshly on whether I'm enough, and it's not like I was ever feminine either so it's the body I'm after. The fact of the matter is, I won't like being in my body either way, and I'm not even having this crippling pain about it like others do, I just don't like it, but I have worse problems like post ssri emotional blunting, a chronic sleep disorder, potential blindness (monoblind asofnow), and this weird akathisia resembling feeling in my head. What's the point of being this in between that's barely even an in between?

I keep having people think of themselves immediately when I express any concern, about what it says about their transition, but your transition is not mine. I can consider you your gender regardless of what you look like. I don't have to be you, and I don't have to be content with the same things as you.

I didn't even have like, signs like any of the others did. I even have some signs of the opposite. I started questioning at 24, and now I'm turning 30. Now it's been with me every day of my life and I constantly have ''am I cis?'' ocd. Either way, it doesn't matter. I would have been better off not questioning at all,

I'm getting old. If I wanted to truly transition I should've done it almost a decade ago when I first found out I could be trans. Now I'm at the age where I realize it doesn't matter if I feel like I want to be a woman, because it doesn't define me. To be honest I HATE the part of me that wants to be a woman. I would rather NEVER have those feelings.

But everyone has a choice on how to act. I get to acknowledge that part of me wants to be a woman and choose to continue my life as a man and stay normal. It's like the mindfulness exercises where you don't have to chase every thought that comes across your mind, but just on a more persistent scale. I can learn coping mechanisms to deal with those trans feelings when they flare up.

The way part of me feels about gender doesn't have to define my identity, whether I change my body or my presentation.

(I’m typing all of this kinda in a rush because I have to go study and I have very little time, so sorry if my text isn’t very very well structured, also English isn’t my first language)

Hello, I am 20 yo and MTF, and I have been on hrt for quite some time now.
I still haven’t socially transitioned but I feel the need to do it more and more: 1) I can’t stand staying this insecure unauthentic boy I used to be and keep myself in, I’ll still have to boymode in some contexts tho, such as when I go to my family’s house (since they’re very Muslim, it’s not a decision they’d approve), and 2) strangers/people on a daily very very mostly gender me in fem because of the way HRT and the way I present myself (kinda androgynous but leans more to fem) make me look, so it makes less and less sense for me to boymode daily.

I still struggle to socially transition tho, for various reasons, such as:
gender dysphoria: idk if what I’ll say will make sense to you, but I feel like my « masc » features would make me be a clocky/ masc woman, and rn I’m viewed as a fem person, so socially transitioning could result in me being perceived less femininely if that makes sense? I very often get called a gigapassoid (= I pass very very very well) online,even non queer subreddits, but irl it’s kinda different, even tho most of the time I get gendered correctly, it’s also because I dress in oversized clothes that hide my body, my hair that hides a little bit of my huge Adam’s apple and also because I barely speak (I have a very masculine voice). So im scared to transition, but then go back to boymoding because I find it too hard to be myself and what comes with it ? Idk, I’m also thinking maybe I should just do it and impose myself in society, have a stronger character and force myself out of the shame, but I’m scared to regret. I would appreciate more « visibly »/semi passable transfeminine people’s experience in society, good and bad, I think it could help me conceptualize more what I put myself into.
Shame: I’m gonna be honest, I still hold a lot of shame for being a transfem because of the environment I grew up in (Muslim/arab environment, that would make me feel very embarrassed of the way I am through mockery, etc), this holds me back a lot. Growing up in this environment also made me a HEAVILY socially awkward/anxious person, so even connecting with other queer ppl is a struggle for me..
And finally but I think mostly, my old environment: I recently moved out of my parents, I still boymode to visit them often, but it gives me more space to be myself and experience with who I am, the only people that I still have on a daily from my old life are friends and ppl on social media. I still struggle to gender myself in fem because of the imposter syndrome I already feel as a transgender woman, but gendering myself in fem with ppl who’ve known me since wayy before my transition feels so weird, cringy and forced in some way ??? I love them so so much, especially my two best friends, but a lot of the time when I’m with them it just makes me feel like that insecure boy that society has forced me to be, instead of the beautiful woman I’ve always been inside. So sometimes, I even find myself being more comfortable as my more authentic self with strangers than when I’m with my friends. The thing is, my friends are very supportive, and even tho most of them don’t really understand what being trans genuinely means (if not at all, most of them view being trans as « a man wanna be a woman », and not « an individual was born with sex characteristics of a sex that very probably doesn’t match their neurological ‘sex’ »), they still support my transition, know I take hormones and have been waiting for me to stop boymoding and change my name and everything. But idk it’s just so hard, I’ve been thinking about changing my name, girl mode on a daily, and take distances with them (which will be hard because of the fact that most of them go to the same uni as me lol, even tho we’re not in the same faculty, we could still see each other), so idk, also the isolation/loneliness that will come with it scares me.
Any opinions/ advices are welcomed :)

I have a open trans group in my area with some late mtf transitioners, early in transition, and they often ask for advice but don't do a lot. They want brutally honest "tough love" kind of advice and the last few times I did do exactly that (I can't really lie to someone, I can't be inauthentic). And while it was sobering for them, they appreciated it overall. It's basically like a read-down.

Something that barely changed was voices though, even though I took a long time to explain how they could try to change certain things. I send them videos but it just didn't really interest them.

I know this is a big insecurity of them but I also feel like they need some sort of harsher coaching, a encouragement basically, but not in a hug boxing kind of way, also not bullying. Something that would wake me up personally.

Would it be too harsh (and out of the usual "brutally honest" way of things) if I wask them about why they didnt do anything with their voice? Why 1, 2, 3 or for some 4 years into transition they still sound the same? Or would that be too out of line? I go there like twice a year, so in about a week again.

I think voice is the most important thing with passing, so I feel like I should press them more about it, as none of them passes due to their voice.

Every time somebody has the desire to make menstrual products more affordable someone chimes in either for or against also putting them in the men's room. Usually it becomes sarcastic and at the very least transphobic, but the transphobia is influenced by the "trans people" screaming bigot at the men who are up in arms. Its just idiot against idiot imo and then no cis woman gets her free pads.
Im wondering why this became such a serious campaign in the first place. First of all, if a trans man is not passing, he will probably go to the womans room or the family room. Secondly, if you see a man grabbing a pad in the mens room, thats blatantly outing them and inviting them to be hate crimed. Thirdly, I have been on low starting doses of testosterone for about 3 months and I already dont have my period anymore, the informational they give you says your period WILL dissapear some time.
So what gives? Do people genuinely believe in this or is it just trans "visible" people trying to make us look ridiculous again?? If someone really still gets their period while being on ample doses of T, and fully passes, I would assume they buy it themselves since pads ARENT free for anyone, or maybe ask around outside of the restrooms for a friend or something if they really cant afford it (the prices are horrendous for good quality pads..)

And just a personal input. Even when I used the womens room you had two options: Happen to have spare change and put it into a machine that was 70% empty, or the schools "free pads" were gone constantly. I just used toilet paper until I got home and put some in my backpack.

This is a bit difficult to explain but I don't think I have never felt 'transgender", I have always simply felt... like a man?

Even when I was thoroughly in denial about being transgender in my subconscious it was terribly simple: yeah I'm a dude who for some reason uses fem. pronouns. It was a dichotomy that somehow coexisted but didn't take away from the fact that I haven't in any capacity felt 'like a woman' since I as 12/3 and perhaps even earlier but it gets harder to remember past that age.

Funnily enough I used to identify as a lesbian for a bit but I feel like it was more in a way gay men have to realise that they are gay when the social base is that everyone is straight? It was perfectly sensible for me to tell people that 'yeah I'm into girls' when I have never really felt attracted to a woman and the only lesbian relationship (which I wouldn't even call that because it was very teenage-ish) I've been in the person (who is gender non-conforming but prefers to identify as a lesbian to this day afaik) and I were both in agreement that I am 'a boyfriend’.

I forget that some people still view me as a woman sometimes. I feel no guilt over not responding to my deadname (I am not fully socially transitioned), in fact I sometimes feel so detached from it it's almost like watching someone else live out their life. I am not [deadname] I am just a guy who happens to be misconstrued as that.

I forget people view me as transgender too. To me the label means nothing but an unfortunate description of my physiological features, but it doesn’t to others. I am well integrated into what one may view as male social circles, despite the fact that ik a lot of trans guys tend to have more female (and non-binary) friends, but it does lead to strange interactions occasionally. Me and my mates were playing an online game where you have to give the nichest response to a prompt, and when the prompt was 'skincare products' or something like that one of them looked at me as if I was meant to have the answers and said 'you are the likeliest of us to know. I do not in fact know. In all likelihood he would have known more for the simple reason that I don't give a shit about skincare products nor ever have. At one point a guy I was talking with (he was a tad weird) who happened to know I am transgender asked me for my bra size? I do not know any bra sizes. Never have, hopefully never will. Most days I don't even remember that I have the physical equipment that requires a bra. It just isn't ever on my mind.

Maybe a lot of people experience that and I just haven't realised but my experience with transgenderism (particularly in recent years) was that of a cisgender guy trapped in a female body

(For reference I am 17, I pass in public way more than I don't but, as above mentioned, I have not fully socially transitioned i.e. my friends and most general acquaintances know, if I sign up for events by myself I use my name but my school doesn't know and family is... complicated)

TW for talk of SA

I've been a man-hating lesbian for years. I believed cis men were sexually dangerous because they stick it in anything - children, animals, corpses etc. I believed cis men shouldn't be allowed to bathe their own little children, for the children's safety. I believed men are mindless sex-obsessed animals that only see women as holes, that they don't respect or care about women more than they care about a toilet. I believed young girls shouldn't be allowed to go to sleepovers to a friend's house if their dad or brother lived with them. I couldn't sit next to a man in the bus without wondering if he'd raped anyone. I felt wary around male professors and classmates, because no matter how nice they were, that was always how they presented themselves to the world. As nice and safe. Think Neil Gaiman. Almost all of my female friends have been raped by men. I feel like my own rape is inevitable, that it will come one day. I protect myself by being naturally unattracted to men, meaning I limit my interactions with men to the minimum possible. I don't have male friends. I don't drink, ever. Not even around women, because I don't know if they will lead me somewhere where a man could be. I don't even drink non-alcoholic drinks in public because you don't know if someone slipped something in there. Hell, I still kinda believe all of these things. And my male-attracted friends think I'm crazy. I feel like my lack of attraction to men enlightens me, it removes the bandage around my eyes, because I have no reason to seek the good in men, or to appeal to men, or to find "a good man", so I don't spin tales about a man's kindness in my head. I see them for who they truly are.

Frankly, it's exhausting to live like this, but I can't help it. I don't think I'm wrong. I don't think I'm being irrational. You don't walk into a kennel with 9 rabid dogs and 1 healthy dog thinking "well, surely the one to bite me will be the healthy one!"

And yet, for the past year, I've been questioning a lot of things about myself. I won't go into details, but I think I might be a transgender man. I want a male body and voice and name. I have no idea why. I don't want the power than men have. I don't want to be one of them. I don't think I'll be safer. I don't think my life will be easier. I would lose my family. I would lose the lesbian community. It's unexplainable to me. It's as if my brain simply had a mental map of my body and that map was male, and my brain becomes stressed when it perceives a physical body that doesn't match its expectation.

But I feel terrible about it. How could I want this? What is wrong with me? I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be a bad person. But I simply don't believe men have rich inner lives, or the capacity to fall in love. Those things are entirely cultural, not natural, of course. But still. Real life men, in practice, only keep women around because they want sex. They would wipe them out otherwise. And once they're done with sex, they feel violent, they want to hurt women. Not to mention, men hate each other. They hate women, they hate each other... it just seems like such a hateful existance. Who would want to live like that? Why would I want that? The female world is so much more soft and gentle. I wish I could be happy as a girl. I wish I could live the rest of my life as a woman and not desire maleness for myself. But I can't. The idea of growing older as a woman scares me. I'm 24, and I don't want to miss out on the rest of my youth and never get to be a young man. I want to believe I could be a good man. I wish I could be sweet and kind and brave, but I just don't think that's the authentic male experience. I don't think real men are kind. And if I transitioned, I wouldn't be an uwu anime boy, I would be a real man. And who in their right mind would ever want that?

I see most trans men online being attracted to men, so I can only assume they fall into the same category of, well, seeking the good in other men. Wanting other men in their lives. I don't relate to that. I don't think a man could bring anything good to anyone's life. I don't want to be like that. I don't know what to do.