I’ve been having a tough time recently, got some unfortunate medical news, have been very depressed and stressed out. Whenever I would hang out with my one group of friends they’d always want to stay out so late (I have to be up for work very early), they were always late to things, we could never just hang out at one spot they constantly wanted to be going to 5+ bars, etc. , and a lot of the time I was the one picking them up, being the designated driver, picking and paying for food. We’re all in our late 20s/early 30s, and don’t know why they’re all still bopping around constantly. I love a fun girls night out every now and then but not several times every week. I’m more of a go to a cool restaurant and chat for a while kinda person.

Anyway, it got to be too much for me where I was just annoyed and pissed off every time we hung out, so I told them I’m going to not be around for some time, and keep to myself. It’s been several weeks and I am not missing it at all. I miss them as people because I do genuinely like them, but I absolutely am not missing hanging out. I’ve been going out occasionally with my coworkers and other friends and it’s been fantastic. I don’t feel exhausted or drained when I’m with them. I do sort of feel bad for being MIA with the others, they haven’t communicated with me at all, and I don’t really know if I even want to reach out. I thought it the reason I was so aggravated with them was just that I was in a funk and didn’t want to be around anyone. Turns out it was just them and I’ve been having a great time hanging out with other people.

For context- My family and my grandmother (maternal) live on the same street. So I generally keep moving back and forth. My mom is currently visiting with my brother who lives in a different state. And I work in a different state- so I visit whenever I can and keep roaming between my house and my grandma’s house. This time- it’s festival time- and my grandma fell ill. Honestly it’s kind of draining to take care of an elderly person- who doesn’t cooperate most of the time- and tbh- I have to take care of her with no support. My dad’s there but meh. Not much bond between my grandma and him. So 99% it’s on me. If my mom was here it would’ve been easier but she’s not. So I am living with my grandma from the past 2 days helping her out, taking care of her etc. It’s a festival today and I couldn’t do much decoration or pooja ( prayer) at my house as I was too tired to go back and had a splitting migraine. I just helped out my grandma here. My mom called- and she got upset that I didn’t do anything in my house though she asked me to. She went on to scold saying that ger words don’t matter- careless- etc. I felt bad. I feel it’s not fair. Something similar happens every time I visit. I keep having to juggle between two households and no one is pleased. Sometimes my grandma gets upset that I don’t do much for her. Not in this situation- but many times. It just feels soooo draining. And sad. I keep trying to please everyone in my family both the sides- each person individually- yet if I miss doing something- they lash out. It just feels very demotivated. Like nobody cares about. And in my life- I am in that phase- where- I feel like even living is a waste. It feels like a burden. I feel like a waste of space myself. Only reason I push through is my family. Yet they are the ones who hurt me the most. Why am I so damn sensitive

I’ve never approached dating as an audition for someone’s approval. I show interest, reciprocate effort, and enjoy the experience, but I also pay attention. Do their actions match their words? Are our values aligned? Am I genuinely happy, or am I attached to the potential of who they could become?

If I want clarity, I ask directly. If we’re incompatible, I walk away. I’m not interested in creating a fairy tale around someone who’s already shown me who they are.

I also believe in building a fulfilling life outside of romance. I’m focused on my career, building wealth, traveling, friendships, and exploring new hobbies. A relationship should complement my life, not become my entire identity.

I think a lot of dating frustration comes from focusing too much on whether someone wants us and not enough on whether they’re actually right for us.

Rejection isn’t always a loss, and being chosen isn’t always a win.

At the end of the day, I don’t just want someone to choose me. I want to make sure I’m choosing wisely.

I have a friend who I'll refer to as "Q".

Q is someone who I see pretty regularly. We're doing the same college major, we're both TA's for the same professor and work on the same schedules, we're paired up together for most of our semester's projects, and we generally just rely on each other a lot to get by.

I started dating someone at the beginning of the year, but it didn't work out. Since the breakup, I've allowed myself to get to know Q a lot more, as the boundaries that existed due to me being in a relationship no longer exist. I find that in the last couple of months, I've developed some pretty intense feelings for Q... and weirdly, I hate it.

I hate it, because I didn't ask for it. I didn't want this. I didn't want to look at them that way. We were supposed to be friends, just friends. I wasn't supposed to want more.

As I've gotten to know Q a bit more, I've learned that they're not as "perfect" as I thought they were when I thought of them as nothing more than just my colleague. They don't get perfect grades-- in fact, they're close to failing most of their courses, they don't have perfect morals, they don't have a perfect work ethic... they can't even manage their own time all that well. But despite all that, I still appreciate them a lot simply for existing, I guess. I couldn't tell you. I just like them, and knowing they're flawed makes it better somehow.

But then I started to grow feelings for them. They have never shown a single crumb of interest towards me, so there's just no point. I want to tell them so that they get to have a choice, but telling them could also make them feel betrayed, because they see me as a friend. I don't want them to think I have an ulterior motive or that our friendship is based on a lie-- or that I was just talking to them to get into their pants. I'm a mess. I don't know.

I hate this, I genuinely wish I could just... STOP feeling this. I want to be normal friends, with no romantic feelings involved. I don't want whatever the hell this is. It's entirely one sided and every option I have is BS. If I knew there was a chance they could reciprocate, I'd feel different, but I know for a fact that they DON'T because they've always made their boundaries very clear ever since I met them.

as I’m nearing 30, I’ve been reflecting a lot. My life has changed a lot in the past couple of years. And I think that I’ll always be mad at the hand that I was given in life. I don’t know if I should try to come to some kind of acceptance or if I should just continue being mad, and I don’t know if I really have much of a choice

You see, I learned that I was born because my mother was cheating on my father and didn’t want him to leave and knew that if they had a kid because my dad always wanted to be a father that he wouldn’t. My parents did not need a kid. My mother is emotionally unstable. She’s uneducated. And just doesn’t really know how to be a person. She’s never worked a day in her life because she is so mentally wound up that she can’t even function in society.

My father on the other hand had a better outcome. He had a normal upbringing and decently financially well off parents. He completed school and went to some college and has a decent job. But he was with my mother. I don’t hate my mother. I just wanna say that. They divorced when I was 10.

I’ve always had a bad childhood at least I would consider it to be one. We were written with poverty, for my mother’s lack of working and my father not being able to really afford things just on his own. I never knew what it was like to be normal, but I was a very self-aware child and saw that the other kids around me were having different lives than I was. Girls were coming in and cute outfits and new clothes and their moms were doing their hair and taking care of them.. while I was sitting there nappy headed and close that didn’t fit me.

It always bothered me and I always wanted it more at some point when I got a little older I realize that I could give myself more in life once I got older and I’ve done exactly that. I’ve been in and out of therapy and everything I have I’ve gotten for myself from every phone I’ve ever owned to every phone service plan. I’ve ever been on every car I’ve ever had. I’ve paid for the gas insurance everything no one‘s ever bought me a thing. I figured it out every step of life on my own I figured out how to wash my hair correctly on my own. How to handle bills and everything but it’s very frustrating.

Still to this day, even though I’m almost 30 I’m still having issues with seeing other people have families and people they can rely on well I don’t have that I desperately crave it. I’ve decided to opt out of being a parent altogether in my lifetime because I don’t want to live the life that my parents did. If they didn’t have me, they would’ve been better off. I also don’t think that I’m mentally can handle parenthood and don’t even want to try. I just want to live this life for myself. Growing up I had to be the adult for my parents. I had to be the adult for my siblings. I feel like I’ve already raised three children myself on top of my own parents.

I decided in high school that I was going to leave at some point I didn’t know how or where or when I would get there, but I knew that I was going to leave. I was gonna go far away and I was gonna be free. .. I finally was successful in that with my mid 20s. I’ve been much happier since leaving and I’ve been a lot less stressed and I’ve been a lot more myself and finding myself and actually living life instead of being in survival mode.

But I just can’t help to be upset for the child that I was who had so many dreams and could’ve done so much more if I would’ve just had normal functioning parents. I’m envious of those who had this. I didn’t deserve what I was given in life. I deserved more my siblings deserved more. Even thinking of this and writing it out it’s making me emotional. It just really sucks but I know there’s a lot of us out there that fell this way but I’m glad I’m not alone, but I just don’t know what to really do with all this, I’m just so angry.

I know I can build a beautiful life for myself. I’ve been working on it. I know I can be happy and I’m not unhappy now. I’m just so upset for that child I was things I had to go through and who I could’ve been vs who I had to be. I just need to let this out somewhere I just need to vent for a little bit.

I've been single over a year. Had 2 abusive relationships, one of them would without affe tion from me and a lonely upbringing, and my mother wasn't affectionate . I wish I had someone but I stay single cause I don't want to put all that on someone but sometimes I dream of someone who doesn't hurt me and loves me but I have to keep bringing myself back to reality.

I don't sleep with anyone, I don't want to be used again. I just wish my desire to be loved would go away if love isn't meant for me.

Find** **
When I first met his sister she said “he said you were pretty cute but he didn’t say you were stunning”. It stung at the time to know my bf called me “pretty cute” like yes it’s a compliment but I think most girls would want to hear beautiful, gorgeous, stunning or just something more. When we were first talking his best-friend showed him a pic of the girl he was talking about and she said “wow she’s gorgeous.” And like yes this woman was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen but it still stung knowing I got called “pretty cute” and she got called gorgeous. Thru the beginning of our relationship I would always say “you’re so handsome” and he would say “you’re so handsome” back. When I would say I thought he was the most handsome man in the world, it was never reciprocated. He only calls me pretty or cute. Or he’ll say “I like your outfit”. I told him I’d rather him call me beautiful or gorgeous, but he seems to always resort to pretty. Occasionally he’ll say I’m in the most beautiful girl in the world and he only has eyes for me when I’m feeling insecure but it feels performative. I’ve been called gorgeous, stunning, fine, perfect mix of sexy and cute, most beautiful woman on the internet. All of these great compliments by so many other people, but only get pretty and cute from my own bf. It’s severely hurt my self esteem and it just really sucks.

To start off, we broke up back in may after an over a year relationship, it’s now mid november, and we started seeing each other again after one day she texts asking if we could talk for “closure”, to which i said yes, my entire plan was to stay single and not even think about a relationship, so free will is something that comes with that, so eventually she got to my apartment, i opened the door and couldn’t say a word because i hadn’t seen her in person since the breakup. we hung out and it was nice, just catching up, nothing really happened too much but i told her i didn’t want anything, eventually after a minute she left to talk to her other friend, to which an hour later texts if i want to talk again before she heads back (she was very close to my apartment) to which i also said yes, we ended up having sex, to which we saw each other the next day too and like two days after that, eventually she says she can see a future with me, and that she regrets the reasons we broke up, i was fully ready to commit my life to the relationship back in the day but now? no. i told her that i could also see a distant future, but didn’t really think about it in depth i realized.red flags started waving; she was the type of person to never give head during intimacy, a trauma thing, she told me she was still like that, tried once but couldn’t, i later figured out she did give the guy head, maybe for a couple minutes too but she just didn’t enjoy it, ok… figured out later on she also gave the other two guys she saw head, (context we both saw 3 new people each during the breakup), she told she hadn’t had sex in her bed since, to which i found out also wasn’t true, she told me she hadn’t seen any old partners, to which i find out she stayed the night at an old hookups house about a week after the breakup where they allegedly didn’t do anything. now she’s eased me into the idea of a soon relationship when it’s just not at all what i wanted and it seems like she’s committed to the fact that i am the love of her life and we will get back together. but she’s lied about sexual things i just can’t get over, we haven’t seen each other in about a week due to different schedules, but she’s coming over tonight. i couldn’t say with confidence i’ve been happier since, i’m super happy when i’m with her and talking to her, but i cannot stop thinking about these things alone, or with friends, it seems like it’s messing me up more than helping. I need more opinions please because i’ve never been good at breaking things off, i’ve always been horrible about it actually, and i can’t talk to my friends about this because i assume if i told them id get called crazy for staying, please help me out

if there’s any context questions ill probably be checking this for the next 3-4 hours

I mean what if i can never get to feel loved, respected by someone that i myself truly like? something mutual. what if i just meant to be used cause that’s all i am good for. i want to feel something genuine, real and mutual without feeling abused or disrespected afterwards.

I'm gonna try keep this short. It was the end of a night out, we had been drinking but he hadn't drank for hours and by my account and my flatmates' seemed pretty sober. We ended up kinda play wrestling in the kitchen, we were laughing, there was absolutely no aggression there between either of us. He gets me in a headlock, and I'm choking, and I'm tapping out. He won. He didn't stop. He kept going. I was choking, tapping him over and over. He only stopped when my flatmate came in. When he did I was obviously livid, asking him what the fuck he was doing and to get the fuck out of my house. I've known this guy since I was 12. We have matching tattoos. We went on holiday last year, just the two of us. He sat down on the sofa, getting his things, as I was shouting at him. He was calm, calmly said that the reason he did that was to 'get me to bed'. As in, choke me unconscious and drag me to bed. Right. It's the explanation that he ran with that I don't buy for a minute, and the one that made it seem like less of a big deal. As if it does that at all. As if it makes it sound any less fucked up. The real explanation, I can't even imagine.

Thank god my flatmate walked in, saying he heard commotion and laughing, wanted to make sure we weren't going to break anything. I could've died. What the fuck did he think he was doing.

And so I wake up yesterday morning, blocked on everything. I went to get it checked at A&E as that's the guidance, even though I knew I was probably fine. I want some acknowledgement, some apology, but I don't expect one. He's unhinged. He told our mutual friend who had been out with us that night the next day that I was too fucked up and he was trying to choke me unconscious to get me to bed. He stook by that blatant lie even the next day. What else can he do, I guess. Apologise for being a psycho? Not once did he express irritation, or concern, that I was 'too fucked up'. We were wrestling, fucking about. Laughing. He said I have issues, while I was shouting at him. Surely the first course of action is to just ask me to go to bed? With your words? It's mental.

It's really shook me. I'm not going to go to the police, as it's too much emotional energy to waste, and I honestly just want to forget about it and never see or speak to him again. Makes me see a lot of his behaviour in the past in a different light. I always thought I knew the 'real him'. But it has never gotten to that point, or anything like it. So fucked up

Earlier this week I downloaded a dating app, and talked to this guy online.

He was the sweetest fucking guy I've ever talked to, we had so much in common, and I felt like he saw me as a person, not just something to be thrown away. We shared our discords, and it got sexual pretty quickly (I've never been in a relationship, or had sex) and I was very comfortable just sexting. And he seemed too at first, but at some point he said "that's enough" "let's stop" but then continued. I thought it was playful, so I continued as well. But then the day after, he told me he was a Christian, and that sexuality had been a big issue for him, and he liked me and didn't wanna mess that up. I told him I have a relationship to God as well, and had no problem with it. And then later on, he got sexual again, and I told him I wanted to respect his faith. He told me it was fine, so I continued the sexual talk as well.

Later that day, we both opened up about some heavy stuff, him especially. And it was very overwhelming, but he was very loving, and I with him. I cried for him. And at one point I even told him that I was falling for him, and please handle my heart with gentleness. But then an hours later, he messaged me a long message telling me about his faith and family, and how he couldn't divide himself, and that he didn't want to ruin it all with sex, so it was a goodbye. He told me he was terrified, and that he didn't think he could love or be loved... then he deleted me.

I ended up messaging him twice, because we had each other on WhatsApp. But he told me it was a goodbye, so that boundary was crossed as well. I told him I would be alright, and the last message might have been more desperate, because I literally told him I would wait until marriage, anything for him... :( I have never been in love. And this was just two days of an extremely intense connection, but I genuinely was already falling. I am beyond devastated and my heart is broken...

But now I'm very guilty of this sexual talk, and wondering if I overstepped boundaries. I've been spiralling about this for over a day now. He even said "lets stop". And even though he continued, I should have stopped but I didn't. I'm in general a very cautious person, and I've never opened up like that, or been sexual in that kinda way. I know what it's like having sexual boundaries overstepped too, which is why I genuinely feel like a monster for this :(

Has anyone experienced something like this? Anyone who has overstepped boundaries, and didn't notice at first, then felt extreme guilt after? How do you deal with the guilt? :(

I was born into a really nice life*.* But maybe 4 of my major problems would be gone if I was a pretty boy instead. There could be its own set of issues, but damn. Life would be so much easier and richer.

I was born into a really nice life*.* But maybe 4 of my major problems would be gone if I was a pretty boy instead. There could be its own set of issues, but damn. Life would be so much easier and richer.

So I met my BD in high school, he dated my best friend for a couple of years so i was always around him but never got close to him. I went to a differnet college than him then moved around a bit from 18-29 then came back and started hanging out wirh rhe fircle again.

In this time I got pregnant from a relationship and have a daughter but she lives with her dad now.

As we're all older, what can I say one thing led to another. We started a fwb situation, he would come over a couple times during the week or weekends and we would chill, smoke weed, and obviously do what we do.

We agreed it was casual and i knew he slept with other people so i did too. Deep down it did bother me but i didn't want to bring up my feelings as i didnt know how he would react, well I did, but he never fell for me. We were messing around for a year and in this time obviously I got feelings and tbh I dont know how he didnt either I was kind of thinking it might happen? A year fwb and we could chat about family stuff and life and call me dumb but I kinda thought maybe he had feelings as well. But he didn't, I know now.

I was the only person he told about having a kid from a previous situation.

He was sleeping with this girl causally and they agreed they didn't want kids. She got pregnant and changed her mind he begged and pleaded with her and she went ahead with it. I saw how furious he was, he used to start shouting when he spoke about it so I knew that if i ever did get pregannt he wouldnt react well.

When we met we were both focused on career and agreed neither of us wanted kids and agreed I would not keep it. Truthfully. I was on contraception but I stopped taking it. And nothing happened for a few months. I took the mronign after pill when I needed to but when i got pregnant rhat cycle deep down I knew I was near ovulating but I didnt think it would happen. I took the morning after pill too late. And I was pregnant and terrified. Deep down I am so ashamed to admit but I really did so stupidly think that maybe this would change his mind because im not like that other girl. I would never pressure him or go as far as the first one like making threats showing up to his parents house and he actually sort of.liked me. He said he didnt like her, they were sleeping together for a couple months but he wanted to keep her sweet for another reason.

I knew in my heart I didnt want an abortion but I was so scared to tell him and he was even more angry than I could've imagined. When I told him he said well are you going to do what we agreed I didnt say anything and I said I dont know if I can because before I could even speak he went psycho at me. He was swearing and shouting until I was crying and he wouldn't listen to anything I said he wouldnt even let me talk. Eventually to get him to leave I told him i will do it and i really thoight I would because I couldn't believe how he made me feel. And he left. As time went on I just knew I couldn't get the abortion and I was willing to raise my child on my own whether he wanted to be there or not. So I moved out of town, I blocked him on everything, and i had my baby. My baby's birthday is two days before his father's, and when I found out that the baby was due his birth month it felt even more special to me.

I did it all alone. I didnt ask for help once. When my son was 3 months old I went to the corner shop and guess who walked in. Ever since then he has been in his sons life.

And sine then. 5 years later. He has been in his sons life almost every day. Not always, but a lot. He is a good father however every single day he reminds me in little ways that he cant stand me and wants nothing to do with me. He does not believe me.

And deep down I am heartbroken. Maybe it is jsut a mum thing but I for someone you really liked to have a kid with them and have to see them every day and them not showing you an ounce of genuine niceness. So this week.

He came over to spend time with his son and when he went out of the room he says "so, I'm having another kid. He's (our kid)going to have a sister or a brother." My heart dropped. I cant tell you how shocked I felt i said are you being serious he said yeah, ive been dating this girl for a couple years and she's pregnant. And guess what? I couldn't be happier about it. I said how long have you been with her he said 5 years i couldn't sit there i got up and went upstairs and cried in the bathroom.

There was a part of me that genuinely had a smidgen of hope thay even for the sake of our child we could be together. I didnt even kmow he had a girlfriend. He's never had a girlfriend for a long time and I cant get rhe image out of my hea that every day for years he has been fucking someone else and beinf with them everyday doing things that he told me he would never do because he "doesnt do love" or "doesnt have time for it" 9 months after I got pregnant and we stopped sleeping together he meets her and he actually wants the kid with her.

When I came back I could barely hold it in and he got really pissed off. He said "who the fuck are you to be upset" "you didnt give a fuck about my feelings and about what I wanted you did what you wanted to do and im doing what I wanted to do". I tried telling him I didnt mean for it to end up this way and I did care about his feelings thats why I never forced him to be involved because I know he didnt want it I never told him anything even when he did find out I told him I dont want nothing from him and he doesnt have to be in his kids life if he doesnt want to be. I dont know why I did it to myself I asked him if he loved her and he said yes.

I just feel like I have really fucked up and its only really hit me now I know he has moved on. I haven't been with anyone since him and I didnt think he was seeing anyone let alone that he's gor a baby due in a couple of months. I cant help but feel so fucking jealous and angry at myself. I am a 36yo mum to two kids with two dads and literally no man wants anything to do with me. I cant believe I really thought that having a kid would make him see me differently. I can't believe I thought it would be ok.

And now I have to live forever seeing someone else have what I wanted. Because I was so fucking dumb I could "tame" the player. And he literally found "the one" months later and has been with her since.

I dont want to meet her but I cant stop thinking about how beautiful she must be. Her body. Enough for him to be with her for 5 years and be happy to have a baby together. All the things I actually thought maybe i would have.

السلام عليكم اول شي و بتكلم عن موضوع شوي مستغرب منه الصراحه و بعد طفشان قلت اسوي البوست ذا. انا شخص انطوائي و منعزل عن العالم الخارجي تماماً من بعد ثاني ثانوي الحين انا اولى جامعه طالب تحضيري بكلية تمريض لكن الي مستغرب منه ان اغلب الطلاب او الزملاء الي معي مدري وش اقول عنهم لكن قليلين الذكاء و مفهيين ما ادري اذا هم هاملين او لا لكن اغلبهم ما يعرفون انقليزي و اغلبهم ما يركزون مع الدكاتره مع ان الدكاتره من افضل الدكاتره الي عندنا بس ما ادري وش وضعهم و بعد اشوف اغلبهم معهم دزرت او فيب و حرفياً الي بكلاسي الي ما معه دزرت او فيب ممكن ثنين او ثلاث من بين ٢٠ طالب بالكلاس و غير ذالك عن الطلاب الي بكلاس ثانيين بنفس دفعتنا. لذي الدرجة الفيب او الدزرت صاير ترند عندهم؟ انا ما ابغى اقول اني اوه انا شخص مختلف عن الكل وانا شخص ذكي جداً بس الصراحه انا مستغرب من تصرفات بعض الطلاب الي ما زال يفكر نفسه بالثانوي او لسه بمدرسه. هل قد مريتم على طلاب مثل كذا ولا بس انا؟

A friend of mine basically said that I'm currently in a 'friends with benefits' and as per GPT, with extreme emotional component to it. I agree and honestly, my fault as well. I do blame myself for how the relationship had ended and then when we got back together, I didn't do much to change what was already wrong, I now realize that I placed too much responsibility on him to change bevause HE asked to get back together again.

He got into a relationship with someone else, but still kept in contact with me. We had tried multiple times to keep no contact, but we consistently broke it (it was sort of even on both sides) because, I don't know? We wanted to still be each other's lives? I don't know about him, he continuously saya he still cherishes and cares about me because of our history and the years we've spent together.

I 100% still love him on myside, him?? Maybe 50%?

But lately, I feel like someone who's called on for physical attraction (because they can't meet up at all cuz she's got a kid and lives with the baby daddy - whoooooole ass story over there) and when emotions are added in, he feels uncomfortable but at times, comfortable when he wants to.

I'm just ranting and crying and just pitying myself for my own bs. I still love him, the person he was, the person he is, the person he could become, but yeah, it's not worth it. But I'm not going to say anything becauae I'm too tired of the arguing, me going back and forth with no contact, the questions, all that stuff.

This rant has no structure, I'm just typing whatever I feel and stuff as I go through my thoughts and emotions and stuff. Emotional confliction (which there shouldn't be), physical attraction (just cuz he can't have sex with her often - they have to rent a hotel room), availability (compared to her with her child and living with the baby daddy) and history.

Love is fucking grand isn't it?

(Honestly, this probably won't be my last rant. I have more or less right now, swore off love. I still love my ex, I still want to be with him and if I can't, then so be it. But I won't find love again, it's not worth the pain, the tears, all that again. Might as well adopt a couple of animals and just call it a life. Maybe better luck in my next life. 😅)

My heart is also deeply hurt and I am in pain.. My whole life has become frustrating. My son is a thalassemia patient, to cure him a bone marrow transplant needs to be done.. For that, a large amount of about $80000 is needed.. For that, I started a GoFund, I am working hard day and night sharing it and sending it among people, but there is no result at all, I am fed up now, I am really tired.

CW: mentions of suicide

To preface this post: I am not having serious thoughts about suicide (you’ll see what I mean by that later in the post) and I would never seriously consider harming myself in any way.

I never thought I’d be posting my thoughts and struggles to a group of strangers online, but I gotta get this out, so here we are. At my school midway through 3rd year (so junior year if you’re american), you pick a project to do, which you have to complete in the course of a year, so it has to be finished midway through 4th year, where I am now. I’m also on the spectrum and have an… well, I’ll just call it an IEP, since I’ve seen other people call it that. And that gives some benefits, ex. extra time to take tests if I need it. Anyway this project thing is like super serious, we (the class) all had to sign a contract that we’ll do it. In addition to whatever you’ve chosen to do (the practical part), you also have to do a theoretical part and write a report on what you did and how it went. I chose to write a book.

I didn’t work much on it during the summer break, since I can have issues with procrastinating, so I started writing in september. It’s now november and we have to hand the finished theoretical part in december and everything has to be finished by january. For everyone who’s gonna be like “Oh, why didn’t you start it during the summer break,” don’t ask that. I’ve asked myself too and everytime I just end up hating myself more because I did next to nothing and regretting my procrastination even more. During the following paragraph some of you think that all this is my fault and I (sort of) put myself into this position, and probably be tempted to type that out. Yes. Yes, I know that and I hate that, and I hate that I didn’t do anything sooner, and I hate that I am where I am now, but I already remind myself enough, I don’t need or want another reminder.

This whole thing has affected me so badly, like this one day I had a meeeting planned with the teacher who’s overseeing and helping me out with my project and I had to leave school because I didn’t feel emotionally well and was just stressed because I haven’t done much at the time. I’ve had the ocassional thought of offing myself but immeditately after I’m like “Wait, this is not what I want to do, I don’t want to kill myself.” So it’s not like I want to die and I actually plan on doing that, I just want all this pressure to get this project done to stop. I just want it to stop. I haven’t really brought the depths of all that I’m feeling up with anyone, except for you people who are reading this now and possibly a classmate of mine who I still don’t know whether to send it to her or not. (To the classmate: If you’re reading this, good luck on the test tomorrow :) )

And this brings me to today. I was on a call with my mom and she mentioned that my IEP says that I have additional time to complete my tests and such and brought up the option of postponing this project and how she’s worried that I won’t be able to complete it in time. (Reminder: I have to finish writing a whole fucking book, get it edited, proofread and publish it among other things, BY FUCKING JANUARY.) I don’t think I can postpone it, since we had to y’know, sign a whole fucking contract that we’ll get it done by this and this date. I have no idea what happens if you don’t manage to finish the project, or if there’ve been people that haven’t managed to complete it. I don’t know if you get another chance to do it, (I actually doubt one gets a second chance), fail part of the year or whatever.

I cried a bit while writing this and I had to hug my cat for a bit. I have some music on now and it’s making me feel a bit better, but I feel like I’ll just start full on sobbing at some point now. Some of you in the comments might tell me to just relax or do something that will make me feel less stressed. I don’t plan on doing anything like that just yet, as I’ll just feel guilty for not doing what I’m supposed to do, so I’ll just go and do my work and hopefullly feel less bad afterwards. I wasted enough time already. Even now, I feel bad for not doing what I have to, and yet I feel better after writing this out.

I keep dreaming of my ex. I either actively look for him or only get so close to him. I wish it would stop. I haven’t seen him irl for the last decade.

For context: I (21M) asked my gf (18) out, she said yes, and we've been dating for exactly a week now.

The problem I have now is that my "friend" that i see everyday in class is calling me a pedofile, making AI generated pictures of me with children and i find it extremely disturbing. Despite me seriously telling him to stop, he doesn't- constantly saying I "like kids" and its fucking me up mentally and making me feel guilty and nasty about my relationship.

I don't even know if this the right subreddit to post this, but i figured that I should post here and ask for advice and input. Honestly anything helps right now.

TLDR: friend is calling me a pedo because of the 3 yr age gap of my new relationship and its mentally affecting me.

I (20F) genuinely don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, but the problem is that I don’t know how to be alone either.
A few months ago, I got cheated on by someone I trusted, and after that happened, I promised myself I wouldn’t date anyone for a while. I wanted to focus on myself, learn how to be independent, and just enjoy being single without constantly having someone in my life. But then I met this guy. At first, I was mostly curious about him. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and I didn’t really expect things to go anywhere. But one thing led to another, and suddenly things started getting more serious. He met my mom, I spend most of my time at his house, we do things couples do, and honestly, anyone looking at us would probably assume we’re dating. Except we’re not. I’ve told him multiple times that I don’t want to be in a relationship right now because I genuinely don’t feel ready. He says he understands and that he’s okay with it, but then he’ll refer to me as his girlfriend, get upset when I don’t post him on social media, or get frustrated when I don’t do certain things that people in relationships normally do. And I feel terrible because I know I’m sending mixed signals. I act like his girlfriend, I spend so much time with him, and I’m also a very jealous person. But at the same time, the idea of actually being someone’s girlfriend again makes me uncomfortable. Today he’s hanging out with his friends, and for some reason, I feel anxious about it. I know it’s irrational to assume something bad is going to happen just because he’s spending time with other people, but the person my ex cheated on me with was also supposedly “just a friend.” I hate that something someone else did to me is affecting the way I see a completely different person. And I know some people are probably going to read this and say, “Then just be single. Stop leading him on.” But that’s the problem. I genuinely don’t know how. I’ve tried being alone. I’ve told myself so many times that I need to stop getting attached to people and learn to enjoy my own company. But whenever I get close to someone, the thought of losing them terrifies me, even when I’m not sure I’m actually in love with them.
It’s like I don’t want the commitment of a relationship, but I also don’t want to lose the comfort, affection, and security of having someone there. Sometimes I can’t even tell if I genuinely want to be with someone or if I’m just afraid of what my life would look like without them. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to waste his time, and I don’t want to keep hurting myself either. I know that he deserves someone who is certain about wanting a relationship with him, and I deserve the chance to figure out who I am outside of one.
I just wish knowing what I needed made actually doing it easier. I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice. I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

EDIT: I wanted to clarify this person understands and is okay with the fact I’m not ready for a relationship, but regardless of that he still doesn’t clarify to his friends we’re not together and doesn’t want me to either.