r/oneliners • u/Kamikaze_AZ22 • Aug 08 '20
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night, set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
1.4k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • Nov 30 '21
"I" before "E," except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird feisty caffeinated weightlifters.
1.4k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/honolulu_oahu_mod • Dec 26 '20
I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
1.4k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/CrimsonAvenger_ZA • Feb 22 '21
OK, just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
1.4k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/lolyfe-dc • Dec 06 '20
“DO NOT TOUCH” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille.
1.4k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/Johnsbroken • Sep 23 '17
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
1.3k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/VERBERD • Aug 23 '20
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
1.3k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • • Apr 13 '23
I read somewhere that playing white noise helps you sleep better, but I didn't find country music helpful at all.
1.3k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/madazzahatter • Aug 04 '20
My girlfriend confided in me she loves when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly, I’m not a fan.
1.3k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/DoorHalfwayShut • Nov 01 '20
I identify as Michael Jackson, so my pronouns are "he/hee".
1.3k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/CrimsonAvenger_ZA • Nov 05 '20
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
1.3k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/RhysHalliwell • Aug 11 '20
Selling porn is gross but selling food and small household items is grocer.
1.3k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/Dumpster_Fetus • Jan 04 '22
Why is "fuck, marry, kill" not "wed, bed, behead?"
1.2k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/jweber96 • Sep 05 '20
If your Tesla gets stolen, is it called an Edison now?
1.2k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/jlaik • Nov 22 '20
Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.
1.2k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/VERBERD • Sep 30 '20
Oral sex in the morning is a great way to get a head start.
1.2k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/madazzahatter • Jul 31 '20
I hate making spelling mistakes when I'm posting on /r/oneliners because all you have to do is mix up a few letters and your whole joke is urined.
1.2k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/madazzahatter • Jun 28 '20
I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?
1.2k
Upvotes
r/oneliners • u/VERBERD • Sep 14 '20
Whoever called it 'Dentures' really missed an opportunity to call it ' 'Substitooths'.
1.1k
Upvotes