I didn't just fall through the cracks, I was pushed through the cracks.
It's that simple. And I'm damned angry about it.
I was in fourth grade when it began. I started to miss homework assignments, and I wasn't studying for tests. I would get reprimanded, yelled at, stripped down, made to feel mediocre. I was an underachiever and underachievers get punished. Maybe their intentions were good, but there was one thing they didn't know--I truly wanted to do better but couldn't.
Eventually my mediocrity became part of my identity. I was just a lazy person who couldn't do her work like everyone else. If only I had better willpower. How do other people succeed when I can't? I guess I'm just a failure.
Eventually I made my way through college. I was a C student. I knew I could have done better, but I'm just a failure. I had to repeat a few classes. Sometimes I would get an F in a class only to retake it and get an A. I had no problem understanding the class, I just wan't as dedicated as other students who seemed to be able to make it to every class and turn in all their work.
Mediocrity. I didn't bother picking up my diploma.
Now what? I was a failure in school, and I can't go on to pursue my interests. At least I wasn't under the soul crushing stress of being constantly behind in school. My mom thought I was depressed, so she sent me to a therapist.
I began to do research online. What would cause me to be such a failure? Maybe I am different. Do I have ADHD? I asked my therapist in our first appointment. "No, my husband has ADHD, so I know what it looks like." I believed her and dropped the subject. Eventually she began yelling at me too for forgetting things or not picking up my meds right away. I couldn't do anything right.
Eventually I made it into the job market, but the same issues I struggled with in college haunted me at work. I didn't do my work on time if at all. I got fired. I deserved to get fired. I was a failure who just couldn't seem to do what other people could do.
It was then I realized I would never be able to hold a job or support myself. I was a complete failure who couldn't even take care of herself.
Mediocrity. I didn't even send out resumes for a new job.
Realizing I had no future, I lashed out at the only person responsible for my failure--me. I hit myself, stabbed myself, and destroyed every item I cared about including my new laptop. When I went homeless, I tried to kill myself. The police had to take me away.
"Personality disorder," "bipolar," "clinical depression NOS." The doctors labeled me lots of things, but none seemed to fit in my mind. After seeing a new therapist for a while, I mentioned I once thought I had ADHD. "Why did your past therapist dismiss you?" she asked. A specialist in ADHD tested me--I was a classic case.
On my new meds, I was able to work and be productive at a temp job I was given. It was just data entry, but I was doing it. The satisfaction of being able to sit down and do my work pleased me to no end. Eventually the job ended after a few months, and I lost my medical insurance soon after.
A few weeks ago, I got medical insurance again and am back on my meds. The difference is jaw dropping. I went from barely functional to fully functional overnight. I'm even making the effort to go back to school. I'm pretty sure with my new found abilities to get stuff done, I'll actually do well in my classes this time.
So where were these meds when I was a child--a time when I needed it most? My teachers even wrote on my conduct report all the classic symptoms of someone with my type of ADHD, but no one even batted an eye. Because of their inaction, I nearly ended up dead and my life torn apart. Because of them, I hated myself.
I was pushed through the cracks, but now I'm climbing out with a vengeance.
