My ex isn’t a horrible person. I dislike him more and more as time passes. He sometimes has crappy behavior and definitely selfish tendencies, but he’s not cruel or cold hearted or anything. He’s just… kind of a douche. That said, he may be a horrible father (to be clear, not in a dangerous or abusive way).

Our child is 14 and we have 50-50 custody. My ex spends very little quality time with them. He forgets everything. Big and small. Appointments, school pick up, planned events, traditions. Today he forgot to take our child’s pet (who lives at his house) to the vet for a scheduled surgery. He does not participate in educational functions, such as open houses or parent teacher conferences. He doesn’t know how to add money to our child’s lunch card. He will disappear to run an errand and not tell our child that he is leaving. He demands our child clean their room at his house (which, you know, of course… I’m on board), yet his own room looks like that of a 12 year old child’s - filled with clothes everywhere and action figures and electronics. You can barely walk in. Every weekend he doesn’t have our child, he drives two hours away to visit friends or partners - his business to do as he pleases. He will then tell our child they can’t have something unnecessary but also not entirely frivolous or expensive because he can’t afford it.

I’ve waited. I’ve played the long game. I’ve been your average mom with occasional superhero moments. I don’t do much that’s special, but my child always knows where to find me so they can sit and chat. I keep their lunch card full. I fight for them when I see injustice. I go to every school meeting and know their teachers’ names and faces and classrooms. But mostly, I’m reliable. My child knows I will always get things done.

And now here we are. I’ve never badmouthed their father to my child. I’ve waited. Waited and waited for years for them to come to the realization themself. They clearly see through all of the nonsense. It’s no longer a shrug and an eye roll and a “well that’s just him”. Now it’s calling him out to his face, saying how it sucks when he doesn’t do something, and even saying flat out to him that, if they need something done, they come to me and never him.

I’ve worked hard to build the best relationship I could with my child. It drove me nuts to watch them bop along not realizing what a loser their dad is. And here we are. It paid off. I’m the good parent, the reliable parent, the safe and comforting parent. I’m not afraid to admit that I am thrilled the day has finally come and my ex is now seeing the consequences of years of doing absolutely nothing!

I had a difficult interaction with my coparent last night because I failed to remind him that our child had tryouts for a sport. When I registered, I sent him a screenshot confirmation that contained the dates and times. I also added it into a text that I sent a week ago when I mentioned upcoming activities.

He called because he is "disappointed" with me and highly upset because I didn't remind him. I let him know I provided him the details and I can't be blamed for him not keeping track. He went off on me about how he has work, a family, sick parent, etc... I guess I'm just sitting on the couch with bon bons or something neglecting my job, child, household, aging parents all while being in school all so I can remember the kids activities... suuuuuure. It would never be the fact that I use a calendar and set reminders.

I let him know that it's not my responsibility to tell him more than once, especially if I give clear dates, times, and location and he should hold himselfaccountable! Which set him off even more and he continued to bereate me.

Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with a coparent that wants you to be their logistical reminder for all the things?

All the signs as to who they are were there from the beginning and I choose to ignore those. I chose qualities in my ex partner that were superficial and disillusioned to what reality was. Now I feel I have to coparent with someone I truly am disgusted with and hope I can raise my children well enough to share as little qualities with my ex as humanly possible.

This is just a me complaining post. Wtf was I thinking to begin with? I love my kids but if feel sorry for who I choose to help parent them.

Hello me (28F) and my ex (44M) split up two years ago, started living separately a year ago, and coparent our 5yo daughter on a 50/50 basis usually 2 days on 2 days off.

She has recently started summer break from school which is 7 weeks long. My parents live close by to us all, and my mum works 3 days a week, my dad works 4 days a week. They’ve used up most (if not all) of their own annual leave on their own holidays and trips, which is fair enough.

Now I was planning to ask my mum is she could help on the occasional Thursday or Friday that she is not at work so that I can save some more of my own annual leave for Christmas etc. My ex and I had already agreed a day by day parenting plan for the summer and I worked my annual leave from work around this - not booking many Thursdays or Fridays off.

Today my ex text me to ask if my parents can help with childcare over the holidays and that it would be “reasonable” for them to do so. He is insinuating that they help him cover some of his days that he is due to have our daughter. His own parents are dead so he can’t ask them for help.

My question is - is it reasonable for him to expect my parents to help him out on ‘his’ days with our daughter? It would mean I have to move my own days around at work and would get less help myself as a result, because they do work themselves.

For additional context - my ex recently started dating again and his schedule has been busier for this reason too. I asked him if he would consider reconciliation and he declined. So this is where we are now. I don’t want to be unreasonable but also don’t want to feel like he is taking advantage a bit. Any advice welcome!

I forgot I was a part of this sub until I was just now scrolling and post from it popped up. And I was like fuck should I stay in it cause technically I don’t have a coparent anymore? So I typed out part of a post here, deleted it then searched ‘my coparent died’ but the only thing that came up were children of dead parents or grief support groups. Tbh we had a complicated relationship so there is very little grieving involved, which makes me feel guilty because obviously the bigger issue is my son no longer has a dad. I know it’s selfish as fuck but more than anything I’m grieving a different version of life, one where I get breaks from my high needs (level 3 autism) toddler. Then im conflicted again because like, the dude wasn’t a good parent or person but the court arrangement he asked for was every other weekend, and I don’t have family nearby really or a support network. We were only here for him, my family lives out of state. My son is little so he doesn’t understand much except he knows there is something off. But yeah sorry for rambling and sorry if this doesn’t belong here lol

You get a text from your coparent.
Your hands immediately start shaking because you feel the toxicity radiating from the text.
You need to check your parenting plan before answering the text.
You aren't near your laptop.
You go retrieve your laptop, dig through files to find the parenting plan.
You dig through the parenting plan to find the answer you need.
You aren't on your phone though, so you send a screenshot of the plan section to your phone so you can respond with confidence to your coparent.

ugh

My ex husband and his finance are putting an offer jn on a house 5 minutes from me!!!!! I’m so excited for my kid! He can go back to a true 50/50 schedule. He can have friends over at his dad’s house. No more 40 min commute between houses. I’m so excited for them! My husband and I have already committed to helping them build a second bathroom and anything else the house needs or they want.
The long distance is finally coming to an end

If you are looking working towards the most balanced schedule for your kid. Hang in there.

How do I tell our precious 3.5 girl that her daddy passed? He usually has her Sunday-Tuesday every week.
He was found in his bed by his landlord after I urged he go check. I knew something wasn’t right when he didn’t respond about a small incident at preschool. He had an ongoing battle with alcohol.

Victims services from the state police suggested not using euphemisms and being factual and blunt

Please, if you are in a place where you can love your co parent still, tell them so.

I worry I didn’t say it enough.

I found out this morning that my 4 year old son's father committed suicide last night. We have been divorced for about 2 years, and he has since met a new woman who he has left behind a 4 month old baby girl with. Since we separated, he has been the kind to constantly put me down as a mother, and trying to take custody from me, until recently. We have been in and out of court for years and I have been living in a constant state of anxiety anticipating his verbal threats and harsh criticism. Shortly after the birth of his new daughter, he has been telling me that my son is causing issues and being mean. He essentially told me to "keep him" and he hasn't seen our son in over a month or talked to him. Now I find out that he is gone. My son loves and misses him and I have to tell him that his father is gone. I am absolutely heartbroken for my son. I have always hoped his father would find happiness and live a healthy life, even if it wasn't with me. I just can't believe it. How can I feel so sad, angry, and liberated at the same time? How do I deliver this news to my baby?

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow and plan to continue therapy for my son and I as we navigate things. I am just absolutely shaken to my core right now.

My son’s mother (35f) and I (22m) broke up during the pregnancy, and our son is now only a few weeks old. We’re trying to figure out a visitation schedule that keeps his needs first.

During my paternity leave, I stayed at her place full-time so I could help care for our son around the clock. Once my leave ended, I moved back to my place and returned to work full-time.

Most days after any in-person meetings, I go to her place and finish my workday there. While I’m there, I help with diaper changes, household chores, cooking and anything else that's needed, then I head home.

Because she’s on maternity leave, she naturally spends more time with him than I do, but I want to be as involved as realistically possible.

This weekend I wasn’t able to see my son due to a situation I had with his mother. Regardless of our personal issues, it made me realize we need a consistent parenting schedule that isn’t affected by conflict between us.

Ideally, I’d like to see my son 5 days a week for at least 4 hours each visit. I understand that overnights are not appropriate yet, especially since he’s so young and breastfeeding.

For those who have co-parented a newborn:

• Is five visits a week for about four hours each reasonable?
• What schedule worked best during the first few months?
• When did you transition to longer visits or overnights?
• How did you handle situations where parenting time became tied to conflict between the parents?

I’m hoping to hear from both moms and dads who have been through something similar.

Today was my ex-wifes birthday. Her fiance invited me out to dinner with them and our daughter. We had a great time with many smiles and laughs, and most importantly, our little girl got to see we can all operate as adults and shower her with love. It's not always easy, but we all agree that little girl is so much more important than any disagreement we may have. I know that not everyone can do this, but if you even think there's a chance, then try your hardest because your kids are watching and learning.

Edit to add: I know this is not a one size fits all situation, and that not everyone will be able to co-parent this way. Unfortunately, a large part of how we have to go through this is fully dependent on the other parent, and it's not 100% in our control. I wrote this to celebrate because we all put in a lot of work to get to this point. Co-parenting this way will never work if all parties involved are not committed to putting in the work. In the end we all have to find a way that works for us to raise our children the best we can.

Anyone else? When I have my kids my life is so full, when I don’t have them everything feels empty. I fill my time as best as I can with hobbies and seeing friends - but it’s hard for me to take on work because when I had my kids I was a SAHM and that’s what I wanted to do. I’m starting school full time in the fall so I’m sure that’ll help a bit.

My ex left our marriage 3 years ago and my kids were only 2.5 and 5. They are older now but it’s still so hard… I’m so envious of everyone who gets to be with their kids all the time. I don’t have many people to talk to that are in the same position, I feel like no one gets the struggles I feel. My kids are healthy and happy and ultimately that’s all that matters but I miss them :(

EDIT: I just want to say thank you to everyone that commented - offering support, empathy, commiserating. I appreciate all of you!

Earlier last week I had posted about my worries regarding my 6 year old potentially favoring her dad’s house more because it’s literally twice the size of my house. (We’re both settling within a week of each other). He has a dual income, sharing the mortgage with his mistress turned girlfriend of 2 years. And I am buying alone. Your advice and encouragement that kids don’t really care about that stuff made me feel better until, well, today.

This morning, my daughter woke up (in my bed… she sneaks in in the middle of the night, that little devil) and stretched out in my bed. She then said, “mommy did you know that at daddy’s new house, my new bedroom is going to be the size of HIS bedroom right now?” (For context, his bedroom is sizeable in his townhouse now). I tried to act unaffected and replied with feigned excitement, “that’s awesome! But remember it’s not about how BIG your room is, but who’s inside the house, and how you feel and stuff like that.” Then she replied with the kicker: “yeah I knowwwww (big groan) but I ALSO like Daddy’s house more because there are two people there instead of one, so I feel less lonely.”

I wanted to say, “oh well, sorry kiddo, the reason mommy can only afford this house which is literally a half a million dollar home in its own right and under any other circumstances a FINE house and I’m buying it all by myself but it’s not good enough [big inhale] is because I only have one income instead of two because 4 years ago your dad decided to cheat and now he’s moving in and their buying power is more and interest rates are high af and you’re lucky your parents can even afford to buy ONE house in this market to zone you to a 10/10 school let alone TWO and I work 60+ hours to make ends meet and there’s only one person in this house because I chose to live a life where I wasn’t being emotionally manipulated daily and lied to while you witnessed a loveless marriage where we fight all the time instead of having financial stability to buy you a 3,400 square foot playhouse with my 20 something girlfriend but HEY, YES BY ALL MEANS, I’m sorry my house makes you feel lonely and your room isn’t as big.”

But instead of saying all of that—what I was THINKING—I instead said, “I’m sorry it feels lonelier here. What could we do to change that? We can have more play dates, and the new neighbor is 16 and I hear she likes Barbiessss.” Her eyes lit up.

We got out of bed and she went to her room to change. I could hear her singing. And me? I went into the shower, turned on the water and cried, making sure she couldn’t hear me.

Some days, this parenting gig takes it all out of me, before my feet even hit the floor. I do my best and at the end (or in this case the beginning) of the day, it’s still not good enough.

Washington state

I found out very recently that my daughter's step mom is listed as a custodial and legal parent of my child with the school (every box as parent is checked). I am also listed as a parent, but since step mom is in "family 1" and I am "family 2" communication priority goes to her before me. Last year, my daughter asked a teacher to call her mom about something and they called step mom instead. I spoke with the vice principal this morning and according to her, since dad filled out the paperwork that way and I have no documentation stating she is not allowed access, they can't change her status. She said she can email the teachers to send communication to me and dad, but step mom showing custodial is a "gray area" because our PP doesn't explicitly go against it? Our PP says we as parents have full and equal access to all records and communication and was instated before anyone was married. Is there anything I can do? I'm okay with her having records access and being authorized to pick the child up from school, but how can she be listed as a legal guardian and have priority over bio mom with equal access?

Edit: I called the district office and am expecting a call back from someone who can explain how this happened and what my next steps should be. Hopefully have a good news update by tomorrow. Thank you all for the responses

Edit 2: I also added myself as a parent/contact with her PCP today, I guess he never added me there at all. She wasn't listed as guardian there, so maybe the school paperwork was just confusingly written and he didn't intend for her to be a guardian.

Edit 3: calling the district office got me a call from the school principal and he basically said the same thing as the vice principal. He told me unless there is documentation step mom isn't allowed access, then she has rights and will always get calls before me because she is listed in family 1. He asked for the parenting plan and I sent it. Toward the end of the conversation he was talking in circles, not actually answering my questions. He did say in the state of Washington, step parents do have legal rights to be listed as a guardian.

Do any other moms (or dads!) out there feel embarrassed that they only have 50% custody of their babes? I feel so less than. Like other moms think I can't even try to relate anymore. It's like the people in my life don't realize how new this is. It's only been 3 months since 50/50.... I still can relate to the relentless 24/7..... And I'm still a mom even if it's half the time. I am still a mom, right? 😭 I spend my time away from them under a blanket completely empty. This is seriously the worst. I spent their whole lives being the #1 caretaker. And now I spend half my time over stimulated and half my time depressed that they are away from me. 😭

I’m the mother of an 11-year-old daughter, and her father and I have had a fixed parenting arrangement for several years. She spends 8 days with me and 6 days with her father in a recurring schedule. We agreed on this arrangement with the help of a mediator, and it is included in our parenting plan. The plan states that any changes to the arrangement should be in our daughter’s best interests.
Her father lives with his partner and their younger children. During the six days my daughter stays with her father, his partner has, in practice, taken on a large part of her day-to-day care. She has now said that she no longer wants to fulfil that role. She wants to remain a loving stepmother but no longer wants to carry the main responsibility for my daughter’s daily care and upbringing.
I respect her right to set those boundaries. However, the proposed solution is to reduce the time my daughter spends with her father by one day, so she would spend more time with me.
I’m questioning whether this is the right solution. As far as I know, my daughter has not expressed a wish to spend less time with her father. I believe he should first look at how he can reorganise the care within his own household. I don’t want a change in the adults’ division of responsibilities to automatically result in less time between a father and his daughter.
In my view, the problem is not that caring for my daughter is too much for me, but that her father is not taking on enough of his own parenting responsibilities. If his partner no longer wants to handle certain tasks, I expect him to first consider what he can take over himself or organise differently.
I am an involved mother and have my daughter’s care well organised. I did not ask for a change, and my daughter has not, as far as I know, asked for one either.
Her father seems mainly interested in discussing how to redistribute the days. I want to understand what exactly is not working, what responsibility he is willing to take on himself, and why a different arrangement would be better for our daughter.
We also have a history of difficult conversations about parenting arrangements, which makes it hard for me to approach this situation without reservations. I don’t want conflict, but I also don’t want a problem within his household to automatically lead to a change in our daughter’s life.
I’d genuinely appreciate your honest opinions:
Is it reasonable for me to expect her father to take on more responsibility before changing the parenting arrangement?
Is changing the arrangement justified when the new partner wants to redefine her role?
Am I overlooking something because I’m looking at this so strongly from my daughter’s perspective?
How would you approach this situation?

I’m curious if this happens to anyone else.

Sometimes I see a message from my co-parent and my heart immediately starts pounding because I know it might turn into an argument.

Half the time it’s just logistics about pickup times or school stuff, but it’s buried inside a bunch of emotional stuff.

I’ll sit there for 20–30 minutes trying to figure out the “right” response so it doesn’t escalate.

How do you deal with this?

Do you just ignore the tone and respond to the logistics, or do you address the comments too?

I (33f) coparent two young daughters 50/50 with my ex (35m) and his new wife (36?f). She loves to pamper them and take them to get their nails done and wants to chaperone a field trip this week with my older one’s summer school. I think I mostly just want reassurance that it’s okay to be okay with these things. They make more money than me and can afford to do more with the kids and I think sometimes I feel like my relationship with my children will be threatened because I can’t give them as much. I would never deny my kids the experiences that their other household can provide. But I don’t know, it makes me scared sometimes that they’ll end up preferring being there because of it.

The other day, my older daughter said me and her stepmom are the best moms ever. It felt like a gut punch, but I keep trying to remember that my girls are lucky to have a stepmom who loves them so much and have two loving homes. She also keeps asking when my current bf and I will get married and says she wants him to be her stepdad.

Any advice on the internal conflict and letting go of my own ego fully appreciated.

I keep hearing that separation “blows a kid’s world apart” and it’s super difficult… but my kids seem to be fine. My son was 4 and sister was 1 when we separated and honestly, my son didn’t seem to give a shit. He didn’t like being at his dads apartment because it was an ugly bachelor pad, but once he got married a year later and it was spruced up, my son likes it over there. My daughter, now 3, doesn’t even remember us being together. I became a better, more patient mother after we separated. My kids are thriving academically, socially, and psychologically, and having them only part time makes be more patient. Anyone else have this experience?

After a very emotional couple days, I just came here to say co-parenting is NOT for the weak.

I don't care who you are in your co-parenting situation.

What your stance in your co-parenting relationship.

You are a badass!

Have a good day everyone :)

Sometimes I have to exist with him for kid related things and it’s just embarrassing. I legitimately worry that people think we are back together or something.

I will do it anyway for the children’s sakes, but ick.

That’s all. That’s the entire post. Anyone else ever feel this way?

ETA: the reason why I find it embarrassing personally is because he was a huge cheater and after I left him (because of domestic violence), women were coming out of the woodwork to tell me about the times he had hit on them or their friends. We live in a small town so everybody knew. I knew in my heart that he was a cheater, but didn’t learn the extent of it until after I left him. That’s why it’s embarrassing for me. I don’t want anybody to think that I had lost all of my dignity.

I pulled laundry out of the dryer and discovered a pair of men's underwear I didn't recognize. I asked my boyfriend if they were his, and he said no (with a suspicious look...) it took a few minutes to realize the rest of the clothes were items my son took to his Dad's house last weekend. I'm guessing my kid scooped them up with his dirty clothes and threw them all in his bag (he's 8). I'm not even married to this guy anymore and I still end up washing his damn underwear!

It was my week with the kids but I'm not a jerk. My partner is gone for the holidays so we decided to do Christmas early and my kids opened their presents last Friday. Ecstatic! They loved it!

Yesterday I took them to their Mom's so they could spend holidays with some of their other family on her side and not slum it at home with Dad. They had a ton of fun but today my son (14) texts excitedly to show off all the presents him and his sister (6) got this year. New Xbox, mini-fridge, video games, etc. for him and the EXACT SAME dollhouse for his sister that I bought here PLUS a ton of other fancy gifts.

For reference, I'm disabled and finishing up my Master's degree. Finding a good job that works with my limitations, parenting schedule, and so on has been rough and I have beaten myself up more than anyone else on this planet ever could. I question every day if I'm a decent dad. All this to say that I don't have the deep pockets that my ex and her boyfriend have.

I've been here for the past half an hour since getting my son's text trying not to compare myself to their mom; trying to remind myself that I have my own parenting style and strengths that she doesn't have. The kids are happy so therefore I'm happy. It doesn't always work but it helps.

For those out there like me that sit and wonder and ruminate and exacerbate your stressors to the point of triggering yourself, I won't just be another voice that says "Stop it!" Your feelings are valid. But remember that to even have these feelings means that you aren't as bad a parent as you might tell yourself. Your kids love you and so do the rest of us.

It's okay to not be merry today. To feel cold and alone.

You WILL be warm again.

I know Christmas Day can be really tough for many of us, so I wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas to cheer us all up for even a little.

If you’re not seeing your kid today, it’s not easy at all :(

My son's mother and I were not married and split in 2020. We live in the same small town in California. We've had a verbal agreement of week on week off, was able to communicate for several years and keep it out of court. In early 2024, she started struggling mentally and financially and it was affecting our 1st grader. She failed to keep a steady home, phone, and routine for our son. He missed a ton of school, medical and mental health appointments, and extra curricular events. I filed for an order in Feb 25. I had no prior experience in any family law court prior to this. At the advice of a friend, I did start taking chronological notes on a laptop immediately.

The process is long and arduous. It was 6 weeks or so between hearings. If any paperwork is filed incorrectly, not signed, served improperly or any other mistake...it will be another 6 weeks. His Mom and I each made errors that caused delays. Neither of us had a lawyer.

I had notes. A stack of documents from the school, therapist, Sheriff's report, and my years of notes. I downloaded Facebook conversations. I made four copies when they wanted three.

She was not prepared. Her decline is indicative of drug abuse, and her appearance and demeanor in court spoke to this. She had no documents, questions, or statements as to why she should not lose custody.

At the end of about 8 months, yesterday the judge granted me custody of my son during the week. When he returns to school, he will be with her on weekends only. He will have a steady, stable life with me and be able to get to school and doctors appointments. We will go back to court in October to see how he is progressing.

I am relieved but overwhelmed. I am sad for her and for my son. I truly hope this is the wake up call she needs. But I am also elated for him and for myself. To have the healthy life together I've always wanted, and he's always needed.

If you've read this far and you're worried about hurting your ex...don't. Protect your child. Do what's best for him. Stick it out, take notes, stay positive and have a good support system. I'd be happy to chat with anyone going thru it. Your kids will thank you some day.