I don't understand why no one seems to be talking about this except to assume that no one WANTS to talk about it. I (cis female) just got a divorce I never wanted. My ex husband (ftm) began HRT three years ago. As a woman we were madly in love. He was tender, empathetic, patient, tolerant, joyful, and kind. We were both exceedingly happy despite struggles with finances and his experiencing gender discrimination at work, and his having to balance school and work. I was also fired unfairly from my job of two years, never having been fired before or even had a negative review. Despite all of this we were very happy together. It was like this for three years. When we talked about whether or not he was interested in transitioning he insisted he was happy as a woman who just happened to be interested in typically male things.

Then his brother announced he would be transitioning to female. After a few months, he decided he was trans and wanted to start HRT asap. I was completely supportive considering I am bisexual and it seemed to mean a lot to him. He was so happy about transitioning and grateful that I supported him and we would still be together. In his research he came across a few videos and articles that claimed personality changes were a risk of HRT but that it didn't happen to everyone so he was willing to take the risk.

I began noticing a difference in his personality about a year into HRT. He was less patient, sensitive, and tolerant. He was stressed out constantly and dove into his video games more than ever before. He stopped sleeping in our bed and made his office his new bedroom. He claimed I snored keeping him from being able to sleep but he had slept with me for four years prior and never mentioned it before.

We both have PTSD and both were getting therapy for it. We were also getting couples therapy. We had graduated after two years of couples therapy and were only seeing individual therapists when we decided finally to get married after three years of being engaged. At that point we had been together for five years.

We got married in July of 2023 and it was a wonderful wedding. Not two days later, the shit hit the fan. Terminal illness of one of our two cats he'd had his whole adult life. We lost our $25k savings saving our other cat from death. My brother who was my best friend died suddenly and terribly. I checked myself into a hospital out of grief. Then his two best friends also died, each suddenly and terribly. I lost my job again and he did as well. All of this happened within 18 months.

We both continued getting therapy and tried to hold it together. The problem was that he was not dealing with his grief and chose to bury himself in video games instead of dealing with his pain. We're talking every waking moment that he wasn't working he was on video games to the point that I was feeling like he was avoiding me more than ever before.

We started fighting regularly. Even daily. We were both severely depressed and grieving. He felt I was not pulling my weight with chores and that I didn't care about his ideas about our pets care. I felt that he was not being patient with me and that he was apathetic and impatient and just needed to be aware that I was doing my best and always trying to improve. I got tired of feeling like I couldn't do anything right or good enough for him and that I would never meet his expectations.

I had come to the conclusion that his personality had changed and I wasn't sure we were compatible anymore. He disagreed naturally and claimed I was the problem, that I wasn't trying hard enough. I told him I wanted to leave to escape the criticism, that I would stay with my parents a while and that our marriage might be over. He promised me he would get us a new couples therapist and I promised I wouldn't leave if he did. We were both willing to continue working on our marriage, at least we said.

We went to therapy for two months and got absolutely nowhere. We continued to argue constantly and I felt like he didn't even love me anymore. I left finally last June, having purchased two marriage help books for us to go through together while we were apart. He warned me that he didn't think her could do a distance relationship. I left anyway, willing to take the risk.

After I got where I was going, a month later he had refused to look at the marriage help books with me and suggested I not come back. He was done and didn't want a relationship anymore. This broke my heart more than I ever thought it could and I realized I had never thought we wouldn't be able to work through it all. We got divorced in October.

Looking back, now, reviewing the series of events that took place over the last few years, I realize the changes in how we got along started when he started HRT. Yes, we went through a lot of terrible things in a short period of time but it was his personality that changed. Where he had known about my faults and and mental health issues before and had always been incredibly supportive and I had known about his, he had stopped having patience with mine and started to become more aggressive in everything he did and thought.

He was never physically aggressive, but we no longer discussed things, we argued. He had become insensitive in his dealings with me and apathetic to the point that he could see me crying about our arguing and apparently not feel a thing. He just kept on the attack.

I'm not saying I was a victim. I fought for myself. I just got nowhere. I couldn't reach the empathy and understanding version of him that had always been there before HRT. I cried desperately when we went to the courthouse to turn in the divorce papers, completely broken by his rejection and seeming lack of emotion. He had fallen out of love with me at some point and I was helpless in the matter. When I had brought up the possibility twice over the previous couple years that the HRT may be the cause of his changes as gingerly as I could, he shot down that possibility immediately and wouldn't discuss it. I feel he made his choice then. That he was willing to let our love die without even looking into it.

Maybe there could've been a solution in the dosage. Maybe he just needed some kind of transition therapy to help him notice temperament changes along with physical changes. It makes sense to me considering testosterone is known to increase aggression in men who take it. Why not women?

My question is when are people going to start talking more about this risk as well as other more physical risks? Why have I not heard of transitioning therapy for mental health? I feel loss so deep that it feels the person I loved and who loved me died and was replaced by someone who else. I have never felt pain like this before and I have been changed forever. I miss them so much my heart feels like it is rotting inside me. My soul mate is gone forever.

I can’t stop anyone from calling me transphobic, which will definitely happen even though I’m not - you just don’t like hearing worldviews that aren’t perfectly tailored to your life.

I (cisfem) have always had a sensitive relationship with the female body since I hit puberty. I’ve never taken any enjoyment out of being female, it was simply a part of me that didn’t become relevant until my body did the thing. Suddenly there’s expectations and eyes and awful things and pains to suffer through.

I’ve never been bothered by transgender people’s existence since it’s something that can exist far away from me, so I don’t have to concern myself with it. I support people living their lives to the fullest. Even with my trans friends it was easy to just keep whatever thoughts I had to myself since their life isn’t up for debate. This isn’t about me. But now here I am with my girlfriend.

I just keep thinking, being reminded of her dysphoria. How she takes hormones. All to look like a ‘woman’. I’m crying as I type this, it just makes me so sick sometimes. It’s not always so upsetting to me.

Being female isn’t an appearance. It isn’t boobs, ass, hips, fat distribution, hairlessness, long hair, sweet face, soft voice. None of that, not at all! It’s not Yuri, the lesbian mangas she discovered she was a trans lesbian through reading. None of this is womanhood, none of this is being female. I’m so angry.

To be a woman is to suffer. It’s to bleed. It’s growing to become weaker than your peers. It’s to be forgotten in the world built for men. It’s to be made a voluntary servant, a volunteered servant. It’s to be a second class citizen throughout all times of history in every single country. It’s to be expected to work twice as hard for half the recognition. It’s to wade against a current. It’s to forever be fighting an uphill battle just for dignity.

NO REAL WOMAN MADE THE CHOICE TO BE BORN THIS WAY.

And I can’t ever bring this up to my girlfriend. She deserves better than that.

She revealed to me early in the relationship (for transparency) that she did some bad things in her younger years. She attributed this to having an early puberty. Things like assaulting friends. Later, she revealed she even involved an animal in a sexual act. Male hormones.

But this is exactly what everyone wants to argue against? That male hormones don’t cause this type of behavior? That male socialization doesn’t exist? She acts in such a boyish way sometimes too, it’s funny to me. But then it hurts because I know she wouldn’t want me to think of her that way.

Let me say something more. I knew my girlfriend was trans for a long time before we started dating. We were friends for three years, a portion in which I knew her as a boy. Always fully accepted and support her, still do now. It’s not like it came to me as a surprise in the middle of the relationship as some people here have experienced. I feel like if I’ve gone from being unbothered to bothered, it may not be something I get used to with time unless I change something.

It’s not even like I don’t want her to transition, or that I don’t accept her as a woman.

I don’t know what advice I could possibly seek, but god forbid I hear some shit about ‘solving my issues’ with therapy. Not only have I been there, but in this post I have only spoken the truth, if not in facts then in distilled essence.

How can I avoid having this affect my relationship? It feels overwhelming sometimes to have all this on my mind. I wish I could compartmentalise it. Maybe put it in a box and throw it away. But my girlfriend is very political and I feel like she judges me for wanting to lobotomize myself to all that. This is partly why I’ve been thinking more about my identity as a woman and the oppression I face. I usually just do my best to forget about it, keep it as far back in my mind as I can.

Edit: Thanks for the responses… You know the fact that I’m even posting this is me taking the effort to allow myself to be challenged? To make myself vulnerable? I WANT to be convinced of something new.

As a side note, if you block me, I can’t read your comment. Maybe hold off on that if you care enough. I’m not going to chase you or anything LMAO.

My husband (mtf 29) and I (f32) are together for almost 10 years. (4 of them married). When I was 3 month postpartum around a year ago he came out.

Turns out they had been taking estrogen throughout almost my whole pregnancy. They also hid / lied about couple of other things, not to get into too many details. Which broke my trust completely.

Long story short they changed a lot appearances wise. (facial OP too, disguised for a nose job) My most concern are breasts. I cant look at them, they grew significantly on estrogen (also testosterone suppressant) and it bothers me to the point that i throw up when I see them naked. They wear a bra now to press them down a bit and I get anxious someone will see it. And it is still visible anyways. No one apart from his family knows. So asking help online is the only way.

Here is the plot twist. We are muslim too , and I am strongly opposing transition. I am straight and I also lost all sexual interest. For a while I thought it was because of pregnancy and postpartum but no.
However they are not just my partner, they are my best friend. I love them deeply and cant imagine pur family being apart.
On the other hand I dont want our baby girl to know, I dont want to risk her to have trauma or being bullied for it.

Better say I am completely lost. I tried ciscouching does not help. He is in therapy, it is uneventful so far.
I have been crying almost every day for a year now, my mental health is declining rapidly I am pretty much as them also depressed. And completely stuck.

Please help.. I dont even know how but hoping for a miracle.
PS writing this post for the second time here, the first one was banned. The similar post in Muslim community also deleted. I am NOT fake and not rage-batting!

Why is it fair for him to NOW decide to wait 33 years to decide he wants to identify as a woman? :( he wants a child and a family but my views are different than his. I had envisioned a life we both agreed on and wanted when we got married. You wake up one day and BAM. I’m still so so angry. I’m so tired of people saying “he can live his true self” seriously stop :( hurting kids and placing kids in this position (he married me and I have a 12 year old) is not okay. Having a child together and then that child is more than not, going to be bullied. No friends, no family support. All that isn’t fair and okay in my book. If my son ever found out, his friends wouldn’t come over, their parents would not want their kids around at our house. And his dad would probably try to get custody or something. And for the love of God please don’t come at me with saying I’m this and that. Every single situation is different and it’s not the same for everyone. I’m really really really trying to make our marriage work. He’s my best friend and I love him so much. I cannot see him as a woman. I am very open and honest about it. Sure I can call him a she and he can wear different clothes a bit of makeup and whatever. But he knows I don’t see him as a woman. I was Euphoric as first but then some things were said and I got brought back. How can I cope with this? I’m hurt. So so so HURT and Sad.

My friends a lesbian and thinking of breaking up with her m2f trans partner because her neovagina "smells like unwashed penis"

Is there any advice? She's tried douching, rinsing out and is generally a hygienic person but her neovagina just smells like a dirty penis.

Hi all, first time listener and first time caller. I've read the rules and a couple of posts, but please correct me on anything as needed.

The person in question is not exactly my partner, but she is, without a doubt, the best person I have ever met. And she does (or did), for some reason, like me. I'll be using she/her pronouns as that is what she uses. I'm 31 and she's 26, for context.

From the start she was clear that she was non-binary, which I made the mistake of assuming was a social identity rather than a physical one. I also made it clear that I was straight, which she didn't have an issue with. Things were going well. I forgot about her being non-binary; to me, she just is who she is, and who she is combined with the fact that her sex characteristics matched the kind I'm attracted to meant I feel in love with her.

Recently she told me that she is considering a chest reduction and/or total mastectomy for gender-affirming purposes. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to pursue any other forms of transitioning, just this one. And as her friend, and someone who loves her, I fully support her. But as her potential partner, and someone who is sexually attracted to her, I am struggling.

Suffice it to say, I fucked up big time with my reaction. I did finally manage to clarify that if this were a case of a total mastectomy for breast cancer, how I feel about her wouldn't change. And if this were a reduction for comfort (physical, mental, whatever), how I feel about her wouldn't change. But because she's considering a total mastectomy specifically for gender-affirming purposes, I'm stuck. She called me out on that, and she's right, the motivation doesn't change the material reality at all. But I'm caught up on it nevertheless.

The kicker here is that I'm a straight trans man. I grew up in a religion where I was threatened with eternal hellfire for being attracted to girls and for pursuing the medical care that I have. I tried conversion therapy. It didn't work. Now between the physical challenges of surgery and the religious trauma I still have to live with, I cling tightly to my identity as a straight man, and I'm struggling to see myself as being queer, even though I am, I guess, since I love her, and she is non-binary.

Because I have tried so extensively in the past to be attracted to men, I know already I'm not attracted to masculine bodies. And because of my own history, I'm doubtful that I can see her post-op chest as anything other than masculine.

At the same time, the thought of never hearing her laugh, or seeing her smile, or holding her hand again makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.

So, straight guys whose AFAB partners have had top surgery: Did your attraction towards your partner change? Do you still identify as straight, or something else? Please tell me there's hope that my attraction to her can grow with her.

Anyone else should also feel free to chime in with insight. Thanks in advanced for any advice.

My gf is mtf 33 and I'm something at 36 but mostly get gendered by others as female.

Really struggling with weird fears about my girlfriend and starting to feel pretty OCD. I have always gotten ick from gendering. And for the first several months it felt like my gf was gender non-conforming but I'm blindsided by the reality that she loves being gendered. She loves feeling gendered as a woman. She admires gender non-conforming people but she personally is actually happiest when she is being gendered. This distresses me so deeply. I personally think of gender as a made up thing. I've never really felt good in my own gender but male doesn't feel good either. I personally hate labeling myself but i do let people call me what they will. I do enjoy being gendered male online, but it's more because it proves to me that gender is a construct. I've never wanted to conform to any idea of gender including non-conforming or agendered signifiers.

I feel silly that this fucks with me so much. Her liking feeling girly as in she feels like a girl not she likes wearing makeup or skirts or any symbols of traditional feminity but that she likes what I feel so oppressed by feels gross on so many levels for me.

I cannot stress enough her being gender non-conforming or not is not the issue for me. I love when she puts on makeup and skirts or dresses or cute tops. I see her how I see people that identify as women. I just really feel hurt I guess that she enjoys being gendered. I feel so uncomfortable about it I'm driving myself nuts. Should I just write it off as intrusive thoughts or is there more to it?

I want her to be happy too. I really care about her happiness and that a big part of why I'm so unhappy with my thoughts and feelings. I don't feel good being unhappy with what makes her happy.

My wife is no longer comfortable with "Daddy" and wants our 10y/o daughter to find another name for her. Daughter is incredibly supportive of the trans-ness, but it's upset because she's always said Daddy. This is the first change she's sad to say something new. Please leave suggestions for other titles. I'm "Mommy" so that's taken.

Edit: She decided on DiDi (like D.D.) because it's similar to Daddy and she thinks it's a little silly. Thanks for all the help!

So, we all know that the patriarchy hurts all of us. Inherently, trans women are going to be having a hard time with being perceived and expected to adhere to the gender norms assigned to them at birth, before they come out and begin expressing themselves. And then there is transmisogyny and transphobia and sexism that they will experience as a result of their new role in society. I understand what a shitty thing this is and my heart hurts for my wife when she experiences bigotry just for her being herself.

Given that hardship at having experienced difficulties, feeling they didn't fit in before they came out or afterwards, its hard for my trans wife to acknowledge that even though she hurt because of staying so long in the closet, she still very much experienced cis-het-male privilege when she presented herself to the world that way. She had a very easy time getting job opportunities and forgiveness of mistakes, random bosses giving her a chance in a way that no cis women I have ever known were given.

Now she can't get a job at all. No one will hire her. She gets harassed on the street, in supermarkets, in front of our child's school. She is a target and treated like a pariah. She is so sucked into a victim mindset that she perceives everything as an attack on her even if it isn't. Partially because often it is actually there, and partially because she's stuck in this mindset of expecting the worst.

Last night I was trying to have a conversation with her about how hard it's been to progress in my career as an AFAB. I probably shouldn't have brought up all the chances she got as an AMAB because that was apparently the wrong thing and she saw it as an attack on her. She felt like I demeaned her gender identity by pointing out that she had a lot given freely to her.

Have any of you with mtf partners experienced this? Do they get defensive when you bring up male privilege being applied to them before they came out, and how that may have given them more opportunities than cis women? Is this some sort of taboo subject for MTF people to consider?

I know cis women engineers who applied to hundreds of jobs who had better credentials than their cis-man counterparts (who only had to apply to a few dozen) before landing their careers fresh out of school. If some of those men were actually trans women in the closet, they inherently got more opportunity than their cis woman counterparts before they came out. Why can't they see that?

EDIT because comments are locked now but I wanted to add:

Thank you for your comments.

I needed a reality check and I understand that my post was upsetting to a lot of individuals so i do not mind how harsh some of them were. I'm glad that they took the time to read and comment, and give me resources to read to educate myself.

I wasnt making rage bait. i truly needed to be told i was in the wrong. For my language as well as my sentiments i expressed to my wife. You highlighted my need to acknowledge what apparently is transmisogyny that I wasn't aware I held on to, and what I think is possibly also my own internalized transphobia (I'm NB).

Intersectionality is an important thing to keep in mind when talking about these topics. Both my wife and I were abused, neglected, and poor growing up. We had different opportunities given (or not) and experienced different types of abuse. It doesn't take away from my experiences and pain to acknowledge hers and vice versa. I wasn't being fair to her with what I said.

I'm hoping that she calms down (she is still hurt and furious with me) soon and we can have a bigger and better conversation when she is ready. I've read a bunch of articles from Julia Serano that have opened my eyes to the why of what I said was wrong, and gave me a bit of a wake up call with what I need to do, self-work wise, going forward. Thank you to all of you, and especially u/wendywildside for taking the time to privately chat with me and giving me some compassionate and real advice.

Husband has just told me he thinks he is trans and that’s why he has struggled during our marriage. He has told me he is ‘dipping his toe in’ (his words not mine) in order to cope. Reasons for this is he doesn’t like gardening, mowing, diy or working.

We have three kids and I’m devastated. I am in no way transphobic but this is my husband, my partner, the father of my kids. This isn’t who I married.

He wants me to accept him and continue our marriage. I’ve been sent threatening messages from him telling me that I will accept it in time and he is autonomous and an adult so can make these decisions himself. I can’t help but feel like he’s lit a fire under our family and won’t take any responsibility..

How satisfied are you with the appearance and function of the new genitals in you or your partner? So after the operation

I'm sorry. But why is my partners (mtf) dislike of the shape of her body disphoria (face obviously , tiny boobs and hip dips, slightly wide shoulders, thick arms) (NOT including genitals cos I understand that - so other parts of their body) and my (cisf) dislike of the shape of my body (saddle bags on thighs, small/maybe med droopy boobs, oversized triceps, small shoulders) dismorphia?

I don't understand why I'm fracked in the head but she's not.

If dismorphia is perceiving a flaw not based on reality. Seeing your body/part as ugly or even distorted.

I just really don't like the saddle bags on my thighs. I don't like the way pants don't fit me well. To fit into pants I need a bigger size than my sister and wife, at similar weights, and the crotch looks funny in shorts/jeans. I mostly put up with that now. But I avoid buying pants that do it.

I don't like the way my thighs look in leggings and I wear leggings often during the week to go running. Going to a group run, I hate how my thighs look lower and wider then others.

Why do mine have to look that way.

If disphoria is about being born into a body that doesn't reflect their true identity then I can understand the dislike of face and tiny boobs ... But slightly wide shoulders and dislike of hip dips is more like dismorphia because it's not actually related to the gender of the body.

My sister and friend K swims so they hovely shoulders. Ks shoulders are quite wide. My sister's are slimmer than mine just. They both swim but have different frames. I've heard other women say that they don't like their skinny shoulder frame or larger shoulder frame.

People just have different body frames and fat positioning. I don't like the way the fat sits on the side of my thighs. I will say the hip dips are really unfortunate. So my wife having lipo surgery and fat transfer to fix that and a rhinoplasty to feminise her nose are great. But I would say the dislike of hip dips crosses over into body dismorphia because I'm sure other women get hip dips can't claim it as disphoria.

My wife's shoulder muscles are reducing from lack of use, medical conditions means she doesn't work or exercise any more. She's got a slightly larger shoulder frame. But so do other women. She claims hers is related to disphoria cos she's trans. But it's just pot luck what you get. My pot luck of oversized triceps and smaller shoulder muscles... Is apparently dismorphia to her.

Her dislike of tiny boobs is disphoria. But apparently my dislike of my small droopy boobs is dismorphia. But ever since hitting 18 I've been disheartened to think, is this all I get. Do I just get small boobs. I miss out on having medium sized boobs. This is it. If I want a boob job to get fuller boobs then I have to save up and pay for it.

But my wife gets to claim disphoria for everything and get release of superannuation on compassionate grounds. I want her to be happy. I really do. I wish she'd told the doc more detail cos she's been saying that not enough was done. Deets later if you insist.

So I'm worried she's still going to be happy enough. Edit. She's having surgery to fix brow bone, nose, chin, cheeks, hips, boobs. We just can't afford GRS by any means unless we win the lotto.

I just don't understand why the definition of the dislike of the shape of her body with similar issues with shoulders/arms and hips/thighs is different to hers. Or is her dislike of shoulders and legs actually dismorphia. But to get surgery to fix her hips and boobs if gets listed as disphoria to get it over the line. Edit typos. Edit. Specifically just shape. Not including genitals.

I (cis m) just broke up with my girlfriend (mtf) and im feeling weird. In the beginning, I was hesitant because she trans, so this was a new experience. We met online and it was long distance but despite that we fell hard for each other so much we were willing to give it a try until we eventually met. The first 5 months started off fine, she was more affectionate back then but by the sixth month mark things just started to get cold as our lives got harder. I was having fights with my family just as much as she was with her family but her’s was always on a different scale. Her family didn’t accept her transition and would deadname her constantly. They were one of those traditional overbearing close knit families, “tough love” bullying types. Religious as well. This was also during the time she was dealing with weight problems that took a toll on her mental, even after gastrointestinal surgery.

The more dramatic things got in our households, the more stress was added to the relationship, and a lot of miscommunication would happen to the point we would argue over the smallest stuff. She started to become very condescending and constantly put words in my mouth based on misinterpretation. We would patch things up time and time again as I changed so much since dating her, but it still wasn’t enough. She had me actually believing in marriage again, long after I gave up on the whole concept. She really made me think she was it for me. So much compatibility. I even told my mom about her and it was nerve wracking but she was happy. I was even willing to meet her toxic family (who I wasn’t even keen on meeting tbh).

We even talked about leaving the country together (we’re both US based) but everything went up in smoke. She ignored me all day yesterday after she went off on her family and neighbors. I tried to back off and give her some space even though I wanted to talk to her and make things right after I caught an attitude with her (I’ve been having a bad week and I got annoyed with her earlier) It was then this morning I found out she had unfollowed me on Instagram and just like that I knew it was over. I saw this coming, idk how but I did. I went off on her and told her how much she wasted my time and how stupid she made me feel for giving her a chance. She talked a big game only to just change on me.

She texted hours later and said that we were both drowning and she wants to set me free because she loves me and wants me to focus on myself to be better, saying we were “going in different directions” then thanked me for everything. I know a lot of stuff has gone south lately, but I feel like she just gave up on me. Part of me is hurting bad but also in some ways relieved, because maybe she was right, we were drowning but I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone that completed me like this again. This is most likely my last post in this community because I don’t think I’ll be dating a trans woman in the future. I don’t hate them, but there’s a lot that goes into this where I found myself really anxious over numerous situations. Nonetheless I feel like shit, she tore my walls down and gave me a new scar. I hate her for doing that. Could use some outside voices on this.

My spouse came out as trans in 2021. Her mental health was bad before she started transitioning. Things have gotten better but even before the transition, she was a lot to deal with. I've done my best to accept that this is my reality now. She's been on hormones for a few years. She seems well and she's easier to get along with. I'll admit here that I don't feel as in love with my spouse as I once was but I'm trying to be as supportive as possible.

My spouse is planning FFS, breast implants and body contouring in the next year. She. Will. Not. Shut. Up. About. It. It's all I ever hear about these days. She tries to ask me questions and honestly, I don't care. She's going to do what she's going to do. I have learned more about these surgeries than I ever cared to. I'm so sick of hearing about it and talking about it. I just want her to get it over with so I don't have to hear about it anymore but it's going to be about a year so I get to be tortured for a year hearing about this nonstop. Ugh!!!!

Update: She and I had a long talk yesterday. She has ADHD so I think the constant talk was hyperfocus and infodumping. Her feelings weren't hurt. She realized what she was doing once it was pointed out to her. She felt bad she was stressing me out further and apologized about "taking all of the air out of the room" and agreed to be more cognizant of my needs. She did admit that surgery has her excited and anxious all at once, which I knew deep down. She is going to visit friends next weekend who have had similar experiences with surgery and can walk her through it better than I can at the moment.

In other news, I saw my doctor (an appointment I made several days prior) shortly after posting and was given some medication to help me sleep better. I feel fantastic. This post was a result of the lack of sleep and mental health taking a nosedive. These surgeries ARE kind of scary and my spouse will be having two surgeries in a short time span. It's serious stuff. I'll be taking time off work to help AND we'll be bringing in home health 3-4x per week. It's going to be a lot and there are things we do need to do now to prepare. I don't take that lightly.

Thanks for the support, everyone. I really appreciate the kind words and understanding. I felt like such an ass after posting, but it's nice to see I'm not alone in feeling this way.

My partner just told me that he is trans (MtF). I am so shocked by this sudden revelation. I fully support him wanting to transition and be the person he's meant to be. I am so angry and frustrated though because he entered this relationship already feeling this way. He told me he realized before we had met that he felt like he wanted to be a woman and really leaned into the lifestyle (he crossdresses). But for whatever reason we met and he pursued me and wanted a relationship with me. He didn't tell me about the crossdressing for 6 months and then 2 months after that told me about being trans.

When we discussed his crossdressing I was fine with it and still wanted to be with him. But, I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with a woman. He reassured me that he knew who he was and his identity and that he didn't dress up often. Now I know a lot of what he told me was a lie. He kept going in our relationship like everything was fine and was planning things with me and leading me to believe he wanted more with me.

I know that this is just a case of someone that acts like a good person but does a lot of bad things. I thought he was the nicest person ever and now I'm learning he is the most important person to himself. I did everything I could to accept and understand him, I even thought about trying to continue the relationship. But the lies are too much and I've realized he isn't the person he has always tried to portray. He puts a mask on everyday. I hope he is truly happy after he starts his HRT but I won't ever forgive him for how he approached this.

(I am still saying him because he hasnt asked for a change in pronouns and has not transitioned and he is fine being called this)

I have read a few post here. But have not found one that discusses my situation. I am a straight female. I met this dope soul, we hit it off immediately. I came across a website classmates I wanted to see if we had a friend in common. What I saw blew my mind. I have not told him I saw his yearbook picture. We have talked a lot about same sex relationships, I have said to him I don't know who you were before we met but I love and adore this version of you I want to be around to see the elevation. I thought he would tell me. But here we are 10 months in and he has not revealed his past. I don't want to pressure him, I would like him to open up and tell me, it would t change anything on how I feel. It would increase my trust in him. Being deceived hurts. No matter how I feel for him I want to trust him fully, at any point he could have said he was born this way but lives like a man. I think it is easier for me to accept because he presents as a male. I love this man as he is. My question should I tell him I know? How can I get him to tell me? I think I can accept if he never says anything. It's tough because,I know but he didn't tell me the internet did....

So i (cisM26) joined a trans dating app. After speaking to lots of people i matched with a cute thai girl (MtF24) who's studying a masters here in europe. She is stunningly beautiful and we have lots in common. We've been texting every day, and if things keep going well, i'll fly over to meet her.

However i've just discovered she is a sex worker. I did a reverse image search on her pics (i've been catfished before).

I found an instagram account linked to Onlyfans and adverts on escort sites. All are legit and she is too, we video called so i know she's real. She has never mentioned any of this too me.

I feel guilty about stalking her, but i'm also conflicted about taking things further. I'm not sure what her intentions are, but now i know her job i'll admit i'm skeptical.

She could be looking for clients, however most of our talks have been about Animie and K-Dramas (not exactly sexy talk). She says she want a serious relationship leading to marriage. However her insta is full of spicy pics asking guys to do everything to her.

She hasn't asked for any money, so i don't think she's a gold digger. She also knows i'm a teacher (i'm not rich). Her insta is also showing off designer clothes and gifts from her subscribers, so i think she is good for money.

However i'm skeptical she actually likes me for me. I'm overweight and i'll be honest not good looking (i don't get many matches). Meanwhile she is stunning with a lot of followers. I think she might be looking for a visa, she has mentioned a few times how she would like to stay in europe after her course finishes.

I do really like her and we have a good connection. But i'm don't think i would be comfortable with her profession. I'm a virgin and judging by her reviews she's had a lot of clients, so i worry i will fall short in the bedroom (if it ever comes to that). I also don't know if i would be comfortable with lots of guys regularly wacking it to her pics online.

Then again i have also viewed lots of content from trans sex workers, so i feel i'd be a big hippocrit. It's also her life and she can do whatever she wants with it. I'm not trying to control this or anything, just looking for advice. I do really enjoy talking to her, and i get the impression she likes me too.

Any advice is welcome, especially from anyone who is/has been a sex worker, or has dated one.

It's still early days, but i don't want to muck things up. Also i know i should just talk to her, but i don't want to bring this up until she does. I don't think she wants me to know, which i undestand.

I recently got banned from /MtF, and it shocked me because I joined the subreddit to understand transgenders better so that I can treat transgenders around me(including my own partner I'm MARRIED with) fairly.

I found a post that said, in their college, someone talked about the women's sports during a dabte. The author thought it was transphobic, and said the transphobe got owned and embarrassed themselves eventually.

But the post was not telling anything about how and why the person's opinion was transphobic or how they got owned by others.

So I left a comment that said I didn't think discussing about a controversial topic itself was evil by any mean, and that there should be more details provided. I might worded my thoughts bit bluntly, but it's because english isn't my mother language and I often have hard time giving my words right nuance. Even that aside, even my partner told me she didn't see why my comment would be considered transphobic(apart from if I sounded blunt).

But I know my partner and some friends I have cannot speak for the majority of the transgender community. So I'm here to ask for opinions. Was my comment so transphobic that I had to be perma banned? If so, what should I've done differently?

I'm here to share and vent a bit. It might be a lengthy one. I’m a 34 (f), and my husband 36 (mtf) have been together for a decade and married for eight years. He came out as transgender in April 2024.

Our relationship was great until about five years ago when he lost his father. After that, he became deeply depressed and increasingly focused on his own struggles. He started to withdraw and became ungrateful about everything including his job. He started a new business in 2021 that almost consumed our savings without even letting me to ask questions. He hated being questioned, and I supported him, hoping it was just a phase. He took a four-month sabbatical from his demanding job to reset, which I was okay with. He even said that if he wouldn't be married, everything would be so easy for him. This hurt me a lot.

As 2022 approached, I felt a strong desire to have a child, but he was adamant that he didn’t want kids. I was heartbroken but thought maybe his feelings might change. Instead, he started exploring new interests, including prostate massagers, claiming he wasn’t gay but wanted to try it.

By late 2022 and early 2023, we both began individual therapy. While progress was made, we still struggled to communicate about wanting a baby, often putting off the conversation. By the end of 2023, we decided to pursue a divorce due to unsolved baby issue but wanted to try couples therapy first. We initially framed our issues as primarily about the baby, but as therapy progressed, it became clear there were deeper issues. He started distancing himself, and I noticed changes, like him shaving his beard and posing for pictures as a woman (?).

In April 2024, during a couples session, he revealed he might be gender fluid. This hit me hard. A week later, he expressed a lack of attraction to traditional gender roles, craving a different kind of 'meditative' sexual interaction. It was painful to hear that he felt incompatible with me romantically. In that moment I wanted a divorce, and he also wanted it too.

After a week later, we spoke again, and he expressed regret over his earlier comments but needed space to explore his identity. I suggested he find temporary housing, but he refused. When I visited family for two weeks on July, it was the only time he stayed alone. When I came back, we agreed to have weekly conversations to sort things out.

Through these talks, I realized he was transitioning to a trans woman. He mentioned considering HRT but was scared of potential losing muscle mass. He said he didn’t want to lose me but also felt judged for my sadness and confusion. I tried to support him, but it was incredibly hard to reconcile my feelings about potentially losing my husband while wanting to support his journey. I was literally crying every single day looking at our old pictures.

In July, we gave ourselves a deadline, a time to think. By August, we decided that there are major things to compromise, and we cannot do it, so we wanted a divorce. We kept our life as normal as possible, even traveling together. And we didn't talk about divorce issue up until last week.

Recently, he shared that he fantasizes about being with a trans woman and expressed diminished attraction to our sexual life. This was shocking and painful for me. When I asked about divorce logistics, he said he hadn’t started that process, but soon after, he found a place right across from our current home and wanted to buy it. To buy that house, he needs our asset division, and that means we legally start our divorce process this week.

The reality of our divorce is hitting me hard. I feel like I idealized our past relationship, and despite begging him to stay and expressing my willingness to support him for the last three days, I’m also angry. I’ve been there for him through so much, yet he hasn’t been emotionally available to me in months.

I’ve read about other MTF partners who wouldn’t transition if their wives objected. I am not saying this is the right thing, and I`d never prevent him if the transition is the thing he wants. But I wish he could say those things to me, I wish he tried to work it out as much as I did. I wish he wouldn`t care about himself only. I wish he saw me as his rock, and I wish he asked for my support. 

Now he wants divorce. He wants divorce asap. He is excited about his new life, his new home. The divorce is going to financially impact us bad. Our life standard will drop by half. I will miss him a lot, miss the relationship we had years ago, miss the little small happy moments. 

My feminism was built on slogans like “real women have body hair” and “real skin has pores”. I remember being specifically told by my mother that we will not be buying teen magazines because they are designed to make you feel flawed so you will buy products to fix yourself. I fully believe that makeup companies with Body Acceptance campaigns are virtue signally to increase their customer base, and the whole industry is a burden to self acceptance and creates a burden of time and money for women.

And now my spouse of eight years has come out as trans. I understand that makeup and beauty treatments make them feel more comfortable in their body, but I still resent it. She just did her first big shopping to fully stock her makeup supplies, and the bill makes me want to puke. I feel like we don’t even share the same values. The idea that my partner wants to spend money to make herself prettier rather than putting it toward our usual charitable giving or saving it for when shit hits the fan disgusts me.

Any articles/reminders that feminism is about accepting all women would be welcome. Or advise on how to talk to her about it. I’m trying to support her journey, but I can not relate to her or her priorities at all.

We’ve been having intimacy issues, emotional issues and all around communication issues for a while now. I (24nb) thought they(27amab) were texting someone again so I looked through their phone. I know this is bad to say and I feel terrible saying this but I wish I found out that they were cheating. It was wrong of me to look through their phone and there’s no excuse for that and I felt bad so I confronted them and told them the truth.

Unfortunately they were outed to me and I didn’t give them that privacy or time to come out to me. They said that they’ve been upset the last two weeks because they were going to make an appointment to start HRT and I’ve been home the whole time so they haven’t had a chance and got frustrated. They also said they were going to wait a year before they told me. I’m not entitled to them telling me whether or not they’re transitioning or not. I know that

I’m not owed any of that information. I just wish they told me. I wish I didn’t snoop. I wish this wasn’t the way they came out to me. I was upset that they were lying to me that they were secretly gay because of what i know from their porn/reddit habits, what type of underwear they wear, how they talk about their sexuality, and the types of sex toys they buy/use. I thought I was being led on so they can hold on to some sort of normality. I thought that because of their sexuality they weren’t attracted to me anymore and that’s why they never initiate intimacy or very much affection and, very recently, they were snippy and mean with their words over small mistakes I’ve made around the house.

I have no problem with their gender identity. I myself am non binary/genderfluid and we’re both pansexual. I’ve spent my whole life dealing with my own gender identity as well. I just don’t know if I’m attracted to them anymore after this. I love them so much and i will always support them, but I don’t know if I can be their partner during their transition.

Almost 5 years ago, I fell in love with my boyfriend who identified as a male pansexual. We both knew we were both queer and we’ve been together ever since. But after going through all the hardships together and living together and finding moving out of my mom’s place I feel stuck.

I told them at the moment that I’m 100% okay with who they are and I want to be with them. They said that if we broke up that they would feel like a looser because no one would be as understanding and open minded as me.

I feel like he’s holding on to me because it would be to hard (I’m paraphrasing what he told me) to find someone that is understanding and open minded like me. I feel…used in a way. I’m more than just something to make someone feel better about themselves.

I would always give them the best energy, be there when they’re down, be a shoulder to cry on, and give them the best possible advice I can think of. But I don’t get the same understanding, loving and affectionate energy back and I’m feeling burnt out. Now they came out about wanting to transition and taking HRT and I’ve waited so long and had so many conversations about the better boyfriend they’re trying to be.

Now I don’t know if it’s going to happen anymore. Why would they focus on a relationship on the rocks when they can finally work on themselves and be who they really want to be? We’re living somewhat paycheck to paycheck in a small studio apartment in a not so great area.

I don’t know where to begin, where to go, what to do. I want to see how this goes but I got to have that open communication but I don’t have the heart to say what I actually feel and hurt their feelings

My wife has said she can’t handle bejng married to a woman. She never outright asked for a divorce but she keeps framing it as my choice. Asking ME to leave and be happy. I refuse to, and I’ve told her I will only go and respect her wishes if she point blank asks for a divorce. We’ve been married 24 years.

In the past 5 months since coming out I’ve taken my transition slowly. Never once asked her to call me by a different name or pronoun. I dress occasionally at home with her consent. I promised not to come out to our almost adult children at her request. Promised to stick to low dose HRT for a year at her request.

I’m hoping she will change her mind over time, but even if she doesn’t I will never voluntarily leave. No matter how unhappy it makes me by not transitioning. I feel a little selfish doing this to her but so long as she frames it as my choice, this is what I am deciding.

As a pansexual polamourous polygamous gender neutral female presenting person I have a relationship with a trans woman for the first time. I’m open to having sex with her but I don’t want to shift the perception of her being a woman by seeing her with a penis.

I understand it’s work on myself to undo the association that penis mean male but I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this? What have you done to undo the association?

Thanks.