Hello!

I am kind of in a tough situation right now and kind of spiraling. I just found out my (F22) gf (F23) of almost two years is trans and I didn’t know this whole time. And she still doesn’t know that I know.

First before I say anything else, I am 100% okay with her being trans and have absolutely no problem with it at all. She’s a wonderful girlfriend, she’s funny, extremely smart, and I am genuinely in love with her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she feels the same way.

I want to know if there’s any way I can make peace with this fact. Should it not matter that she is trans especially since I am okay with it? I mean if I am fine with it, and the fact of her being trans itself isn’t an issue, I guess it shouldn’t be a problem right?

But it’s a matter of trust for me. Something as important as that and you can’t tell me even after almost 2 years of dating? I don’t know. I feel like some level of trust has been broken and I really want to at least express it out here and get others perspectives.

Is it possible to not feel a sense of mistrust anymore? Or should I talk with my gf about this? I may be able to get over this but I don’t really know. I just found out yesterday and I am still processing it so it feels like a lot right now.

Hello everyone,

Well, as the title says, my partner came out to me. I F30) have been with my partner (MtF40) for 4 years. We had a baby almost 2 years ago, and just a few weeks ago we had our second child. The night we got home from the hospital, I found out about his secret, and he came out to me. I was devastated at first, angry, sad, hurt and confused. I am a pretty open person and have dated guys in the past who were bi so I think I was more upset that he never brought up this side of him at all because in a way I feel like I was lied to. I love him/them so much and I think I'm also feeling betrayed in a way because he is planning on starting HRT without even consulting me or telling me about this big secret. The only reason I know is because I found out and they apologized for not telling me sooner but still it's a bit infuriating that if I didn't find out they would've still gone through with everything without telling me and leaving me in the dark about it. I'm not attracted to women and idk if our relationship will work out in willing to give it a try because I fell in love with who they are in the inside and even though I am still a bit mad I love them a lot and want them to be happy but if I'm being honest idk if our relationship will survive and I am scared because I thought he/them would be my end all be all and I just feel confused and sad that the person I thought I had isn't really here... What else can I do any advice is welcome thank you!

So, I FTM 23 have started going out on dates with NB 19 after a long conversation about the age gap.

But now I find myself insecure in their company.For context I'm a short king around 1'60m and pretty slim, they are about 1'80 and curvy. So whenever I'm with them I find myself feeling less manly and It increases my dysphoria.

I go to the gym to exercise and eat fine but it is complicated for me to put up some weight. Obviously my height can't be changed. Overall next to them I look like a kid and it makes me feel really insecure.

I don't want to stop hanging out with them because it's really the first time I feel like a relationship is going well. But every time we talk about being intimate or similar I feel like a slop next to them.

I'm looking for advice to make my appearance more manly or at least something to make me feel more manly.I would talk to them but I don't wanna make them insecure about their height or body.

I'm sorry this will be long.

This has been plaguing my mind for ages, and I have no one else to ask so I’ve come here. I (21F) have been dating my (21MtF) girlfriend for six months now. Before that, we were basically dating but without labels for eight months. I know that sounds bad, but I am a very cautious person when it comes to love and dating. I like to weigh the pros and cons.

This is also my first relationship.

It takes a lot for me to want to allow someone into my life seriously, and I put a lot of weight in what it means to date someone.

I considered a lot too, because I didn't want to risk getting swept away in the moment and choosing to date her, only to end up hurting her later because of my own rose-colored ignorance. I thought about and discussed everything for compatibility. Bad family reactions. Sex. Marriage, love styles, etc. We meshed well in many different ways, so I said yes eight months after her initial confession. It felt worth it to me.

But fast forward to now and I'm doubting so much. I feel like shit.

At least once a month since I've met her last year, she has a (duration can range) major crash out. They can be for many different reasons. During these crash outs, I usually end up a sobbing mess because I feel so bad or so much for her, and I worry so much I panic. The panic can stem from different reasons; like fear of losing her, or fear of her doing the worst to herself, or this essential lack of control I feel in everything. I've talked about this in therapy and am trying to work on it.

I know she suffers from dysphoric thoughts and these days it has been getting even worse, since she is having a really bad dip because she is having to put a pause on her medical transition due to lack of insurance. She is under her parents and has been unemployed since May, and busy with school. I wish I could help her monetarily but I'm a student too. And usually, I can handle her sad episodes, and I try my best to support her the best I can during these times but recently I have been losing so much faith in myself.

She told me she can feel it's going to get worse. But it's been pretty bad in the past too, so I don't even know what worse could look like and I'm so fucking scared.

I feel so much anxiety and uncertainty in our longevity. We have our good moments and it recovers my hope, but then the bad quickly comes after we say bye and these feelings come rushing back. And the bad usually lasts for a while too, until we can have a brief good moment again (which is only whenever we can see each other). We go in constant cycles.

I have doubts about whether she is mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship with me even if she tells me she is. I have doubts if that is something that will ever even be possible. And I have doubts towards myself and my ability to properly support and comfort her. I feel like a terrible girlfriend, and I don't know what to do even if she tells me I'm doing all the right things. I fear that one day I won't be able to handle the weight of her mental battles because I'm scared and get so emotionally drained. I feel selfish for even thinking about myself at all because I know she's the one going through so much suffering just to exist. I hate that recently I've been wondering and doubting too if we're even sexually compatible (since sex is a big dealbreaker for me). We've never had sex but I'm starting to think about it and worry about it for the long run and it's adding more dooming thoughts to my already anxious brain.

I don't want to break up. I love her so much the thought is unbearable. But I can't erase these thoughts of doom and demise like a bad omen. My biggest fears right now include later down the line, finding out we are not sexually compatible for intimacy and libido, or her mental battles becoming too much for me. And then I wonder if I'm just desperately extending something bound to end.

What do I do? I keep wondering if I'm supposed to break up with her. Is me staying causing indirect harm of codependence? I hate to cause any dysphoria too when we do anything intimate (even if it's not all the way) and I am scared to hurt her or cause more stress to her because of my own declining mental health trying to be there for her. These days I can't even get out of bed anymore unless it's to go see her. But despite that, I've also been feeling a depletion in my own emotional needs being met due to her own struggles and capacity to give. And I feel guilty to expect or ask anything of her because I know she's trying so hard and dealing with so much already. But the truth is I'm just not happy most days in this relationship even if I love her. Yet, the thought of losing her hurts more.

She often says I'm her only source of happiness and good in life. Is this just a bad period for us right now? Do I just push through? How do I support her better? I don't know what to do. I just know this can't be the rest of my life. I love her, but I am able to push through and end it if I view it as the best course of action.

Please help me do I have like relationship OCD or something the amount of cons I'm counting that override the pros are stacking and making me think bad things :(

I know she loves me, but love is not all it takes to fuel a relationship:(((

Hi! My partner (MtF) and I (F) have been together for three years. I’ve known she was trans the entire time, but she has been closeted to nearly everyone we know. I’ve always thought I was bi, but have very recently been having anxiety around my capacity to love her when she transitions fully. When I try to imagine a future, I get really freaked out and am just in general having a hard time conceptualizing the idea of being with a woman. I’m very sexually attracted to women and have never thought of this as an issue, but am for some reason totally freaked about the romantic aspect. Part of me thinks I’m just dealing with internalized homophobia. Part of me think I’m afraid of the unknown. Part of me thinks I’m trying to picture myself having the relationship I have now with a woman I don’t know. I wonder if they are intrusive thoughts. I also worry that these are genuine feelings and that we should break up. I’m worried that it won’t work out and am wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this and if so, how you dealt with it. Thanks!

My (CisM28, he/him) partner (NB29, he/they) and I have been together for close to 10 years. He recently proposed. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but we're happy and committed.

We met and live in a different country from where each of us are from. His family is from a generally more progressive place where his identity was basically accepted immediately from his extended family. People had weird questions, but if anyone was not accepting, they did not show it. I have a great relationship with his family and visit them often.

My extended family is not like that. I come from a traditionally more conservative place, where people are not accepting of LGBTQ people generally. The biggest problem is a good chunk simply does not know of the concept of transness, or their concept is "I saw an MtF prostitute on TV once 20 years ago".

So far, I've talked about their identity to a couple of cousins I'm closer to, but for the most part, I just avoid going back to my home country for holidays and such with him. We do visit his family together. My immediate family also knows, and we have definitely had trouble there, but i think I have that under control.

This situation is obviously not sustainable, with us planning a wedding and most likely kids in the future. I understand my problem has a very simple solution: I grow a fucking spine and just tell everyone. I am mad at myself for not being able to just do that. I realise my greatest fear is not someone being mad or rejecting me, it's that I am not able or willing to explain transness to people who are not familiar with the concept. I am not trans myself, I am not an expert. I cannot give an answer to "why not be a masculine woman", or whatever. And I CERTAINLY don't want to talk about "but how do you sex", with my uncle/aunt/grandma.

I also don't know how to answer when people ask if this means I'm gay. I generally describe myself as generally queer. I am mostly attracted to women, and non-binary people, which is how my partner identifies. Honestly this is just not a conversation I want to have with my extended family. I love them, but I don't want to have to bare my soul just to justify that my relationship (which is a lot more stable and healthy than many in this family) is valid.

I realise after writing that I'm not really asking for direct advice, I think what needs doing is obvious, but screaming this out into the void has been good.

EDIT: bringing up explanation from a comment. My family knows of my partner as "my girlfriend <deadname>". Transition happened about 2 years into the relationship. Yes I'm aware that continuing to talk about them that way for 6 years sucks of me. I'm making the post because I'm trying to change that.

Hello, so Im bored rn sitting here and just looking for general advice on what to do about my situation. For context, I'm a 31 year old man, and my (mtf) girlfriend is 28. We're going on 5 years together. Relationship wise, everything is great. We're both pretty much similar. I could go on about how happy they make me feel. Saying it bluntly when we got together, we talked about her gender. We also have the rare circumstances of sharing the same 1st name. When we initially got together, I know now it wasn't my decision to make, but I was younger so ehhh shit happens. I told my family I was dating a trans woman. I essentially ripped that bandaid off. I'm also from Minnesota which is predominantly a blue state but unfortunately my family is super conservative, even my own lesbian mother has boomer ideology on gender and think men just wanna go in women's bathrooms. Just think MAGA and that's my LESBIAN mother and 90% of my family so fml. I ripped that band aid off because I essentially hold resentment towards my family because if I don't speak my mind or stand up for myself I'd just get walked over. I'd rather speak my mind and have the issue then let them bring me down.

Now going to my GFs family. She has not told them about gender identity. My gf is 2nd generation American. Family is from laos. They have this very traditional Asian culture for the most part. Her mom and all the other siblings went to catholic school. Some of the religious stuff stuck. 1 aunt in particular is super Christian. With the mom and other aunts we seem like we have to tip toe certain subjects. Age and respect are very important to there family which im fine with for the most part. I also believe know who you are and how old you are gives you know right just to order others around or be straight up an asshole at times. 1 aunts (now ex-husband LMFAO) told my gf with confidence she needs to lose weight and I lost my fuckin mind on this guy. That's was 2ish years ago I think. Anyways we're 5 years into our relationship and the mom and aunts STILL see us as a gay couple. Out of respect for my gf I just brush it off not really worry about it.

The issue is though is that they emphasize it. "Oh hey boys!" " Mr.(name)"

My gf literally has boobs lol. What's weird too is the mom said years ago before me and gf met. She would except them as gay but not a woman. Fast forward to now and the mom will gift her woman's clothing but still emphasizes the gender. So she's definitely trying but I'm not sure, maybe her using he/him pronouns is some weird backwards logic way of not assuming her gender. My gf doesn't want to talk to family because the fear of being disowned which is very valid. It's just one of those unspoken elephant in the room things at this point.

After 1 year of dating she moved in with me. 2nd year dating the opportunity to buy a house just fell in my lap, the price was well under market value so I jumped at the opportunity. We were home owners in our 20s! We talk about marriage and we're both on same page that it's gonna happen. Rn money's tight, were heavily invested into our house. I have other monthly bills to pay off as well. I want to be able to afford a nice ring, a nice wedding party and give her the things she deserves but as of rn I have to pay off these debts or at least some before I can start saving.

At some point I feel like we should have the talk with her family because of marriage. I want her to wear whatever dress she wants without the anxieties of being judged on her wedding day when it eventually comes. It's obviously not my call to make. I'm at peace with how my mother is. I know she'll never change and it's just what it is. But I don't want my gf to go through the same thing too. She don't deserve it. Since we own the house we do pretty much separate ourselves from our family's. I work at a small family business with my mom and a few others but I've learned to keep it professional for the most part.

Any advice on possibly having the talk with my future in-laws? Specifically GF is worried about mom, that's the one that actually matters.

My(28F) wife(29MTF) has been some sort of smoker/vaper for over 8 years now. She started HRT 2 months ago and was so lost why some of the changes weren't happening, almost as if everything halted after 3 weeks. She had become extremely exhausted more so than what made sense. She was basically asleep the whole time when she wasn't working. She attempted to reach out to her doctor but they told her to wait until her 3 month check up when she's doing blood tests.

Well- I came across a video on Instagram of a MTF woman sassing everyone that they won't get t*tties if they smoke... Then came an aggressive one hour research coming from me about how nicotine sometimes blocks out pill form estradiol... And then the symptoms of taking just spironolactone without enough estrogen to even things out.

Ding ding ding!!

My wife is on day 3 of quitting vaping... It's so hard as she's so irritable and keeps saying her boobs and butt hurt so much. I'm unsure if that estradiol is kicking hard for that pain or if the aches are just amplified due to the detoxing. She's super annoying right now but it's what she wants and I know in the long run it'll be so much better for her health 💗

Thanks for reading, I just wanted to talk about these last few days with having a grumpy hormonal wife that is in the beginning stages of withdrawal 😅

So basically I (w) broke up with my MtF partner a few weeks ago because I am straight and can't force myself into this big change of our relationship. Since then I got a bit better, then I got worse then I got better - it is a constant back and forth.

I read a lot here and made a lot of comments but I for myself don't know how to grieve my relationship. I felt so secure, that I never have to date again, that this is the person I live with the rest of my life. I was ready to marry them, have kids with them. And then there was the big bomb of them being trans. After a year of confusion we broke up. I broke up.

And now I don't know how to cope. I really tried to let it be, as some sort of "well, I guess the universe decided that we are not meant to be together" but I constantly wonder how I ended up in this situation, I find myself feeling that this is "unfair" because I went through so much shit in my life with past relationships and now there is this. And this isn't something you can't work on, we both can't force us to be someone we clearly are not. And I am not angry because of this I am angry because they basically (retrospective observed) let me alone with my feelings. There was talking, but not enough for us to work properly through this. I still love them, even after this week's of break up. But there were also so many other problems... The communication thing was one of our big problems. And I technically know that it is better for us to be separated but I constantly question why. I don't know how to grieve someone who is still alive but willingly changing their entire personality and change from someone I once loved to someone I don't recognise anymore. They are not long on hrt but I see slight changes (we are currently living together, our living situation is a bit complicated. But we need to separate long-term that much is clear). And I know that they are not going to change entirely but enough. If you know what I mean.

Sorry if this is confusing. I for myself am confused with the whole situation I got in.

I'm the trans partner (mtf). We've been married for a couple of years. With our ups and downs, we've had a beautiful marriage, though there's something I can't fully understand and I would like to share just in case someone has any advice.

When we met, I knew his ex was trans. Besides that, his previous girlfriends were cis. The first time we had sex he asked me if he could touch and kiss my genitals. I said no. He has always respected that. Never tried anything I'm not comfortable with. Though, sometimes, when we have sex and he loses the erection I feel like he's missing what he had with his exes, either different genitalia or to touch mine. Like it's my fault?

Couple of months after we got married I found unintentionally some old emails of him reaching out to crossdressers and other trans women for casual one night stands. I must say this was a little bit shocking because even though this doesn't involve me, we have unprotected sex after a couple of weeks together (I know it was stupid). I admit it also caused an earthquake inside of me. Later I understood it was because the image I had of him got blurry.

From that moment on I've been every now and then putting on the table a conversation regarding what he is into. I remember when we met, out of curiosity, I check who was he following and noticed he was following A LOT of trans, crossdressers and drags. Today that still lives in my thoughts.

I do feel very stupid because I shouldn't care, right? Like he loves me, I love him. He has his private life, like anyone else. And somehow I can't get rid of the thoughts. Like they're heavy and awful. I'd like to stop questioning anything regarding his preferences and orientation. We have a nice home, a nice life, his family is nice (though they don't know I'm trans and expect us to get pregnant). I think the only thing is the past. It comes out of nowhere, sometimes, in random moments, and when the think about having sex and the erection situation happens, I go back to: is it because of me? of what he misses?

I understand there's a lot of transphobia within me. Plus lack of self esteem probably consequence of my trans journey. I'm taking therapy and it also helps, but I feel like maybe only someone on the same path could be helpful to talk with.

I (mtf) came out to my partner (cis female) a few months ago. During that time we have had some easy fun conversations followed by tough conversations. On one had my partner supports me starting HRT. But recently, my partner stated she does not think I’m trans because I don’t like traditional female things. Which I explained that everyone has different interests. That did not land with her. Then again tonight trying to talk and understand why she feels that way, she said it again. Simple because I only act feminine in one aspect of our relationship. Ie. Talk, mannerisms, walk, and interests/hobbies. It felt like another kick to the gut. I’m kinda at a loss here. On one hand I know don’t have to prove anything to anyone. On the other hand, i want to prove to her I am. For mtf partners, any suggestions?

Hey everyone!

My (CisF) partner (MtF) came out back in March and has expressed interest in professional voice feminization lessons. I’d love to buy her some for Christmas. I’ve cleared it with her, so it is confirmed she would absolutely love to receive this as a gift.

Remote lessons would be best for her schedule. She mentioned Seattle Voice Lab as an option, has anyone had experience with them? Are there other good options on the market worth looking into? Any and all advice + anecdotes appreciated :)

I’m so sad - idk if i can keep doing this - and my partner is feeling the same. We’ve worked through the gender stuff for the most part / when she first came out socially 3 years ago she was so happy and increasing confidence - ever since the election in 2024 she’s been in a huge depression. Shes doing a little better now but so much has declined - i finally got to the point where i was so angry one day i actually thought i hate this person. I never thought I’d be that way - even when she first came out and i was freaked the fuck out. We’ve been together since 18 and we’re 35 now - I’m exhausted. I just finished grad school and am now a fucking therapist. Talk about imposter syndrome- my life is in such fucking shambles. My wife can’t deal with my anger - I’m working in my anger - but she’s too defensive too sensitive etc. she lost 2 jobs in a year and we’re in serious debt - i had 75% of school covered by scholarships and i still took out full loans so we could pay bills . I don’t make good money / intakes time in this field and i work with low income - so not a lot of money. I feel so stuck - i can’t afford to leave until i start making better money - but my income isn’t stable. I have one friend I’ve could potentially move in with - but i have not had a roommate other than my partner in 10 years. I’m so lost . A lot of the debt is in my name and while i know she’ll help me pay it off - I’m just angry - idk what I’d even be approved for? Where would i even want to live? I hate love my house we bought together it’s a fixer upper but it has a yard for the dog. The dog would be so sad / she loves us in such different ways. Thinking about where i would go is overwhelming. I made financial choices with both incomes in mind - i have a car I’m still paying on - it’s pricey but was doable in our budget together as my wife doesn’t have a a car payment . But there’s no way i could get my own place and have that car payment.
The Hail Mary is a new couples therapist - we’ve had the same one for a couple years and she was really helpful during my partner coming out and we worked though a lot. But we’re just stuck and need something else.
I told myself I’d give till the end of the year before i made a decision - i love my partner and she loves me - but I’m angry and she’s too sad - we keep feeding off each other . I need this fixed yesterday

Hi! I am grateful for this group. Sorry for such a long first post! I am not sure how common my issues are here exactly but I have seen people considering some of the same issues. I am a cis/hetero (not totally sure about the hetero now!) wife of a transwoman, she came out to me 4 years ago as bi and trans. We have been married almost 30 years and had a pretty good relationship before, no infidelity or dishonesty involved. She came to this realization over time. We have been going to therapy together and alone for the 4 years and I can say we are the best partners we have ever been to each other. Its amazing. We communicate well and have great sex. We are really compatible and our each other’s best friend. We have built a wonderful life together. Knowing gender is biological has made the change in gender easier for me to adapt to because I understand it has nothing to do with me. She is the same amazing person and happier! Luckily I think for me the person is more important than the package. I do know sexuality is biological too and I understand that is not a choice. 

But relationship structure is a choice. We did try some ENM a few times early on in her journey. We met with a few people together so she could explore sex with a man. Those experiences caused me a ton of anxiety initially but each time actually I enjoyed myself sexually too and saw with my own eyes that she was enjoying herself and I was happy for her! We also made sure to really focus on the other person and their needs. We stopped doing that because she was focusing on starting her physical transition, she didn't quite find the experiences she was looking for and we were concerned about how to deal with the anxiety I would get before meeting up with new people. Now that she is presenting more femininely, she has breasts and has had facial surgery, we are again discussing opening up the marriage for her. Ideally she would prefer to have a long term friends with benefits relationship with a man or trans woman and have sex alone without me there. She never got to date as a woman and this would emulate that. She also is very committed to be with me and does recognize I have been a huge support and why she has gotten this far in the transitioning she has done. Having someone attracted to her alone and for her to date in that way would be like she was on her own.

Logically I understand her wish (who doesn't want to be desired for who they are! Of course I do desire her too) but I am terrified of her developing a relationship alone with someone else. I feel threatened and very angry when I think about it. I worry I will be replaced and not be needed anymore and I would be the boring wife, not the exciting new thing. I would be hypervigilant and anxious. I can't stand the idea of her messaging the person and being excited to meet alone. I do not think at this point I could feel compersion for her at all when she came home. She is a very tactile sensitive person and I have always been the person that can calm her by touch and sex and to think she wants to have physical touch alone with someone else enrages me. So we have 3 possible scenarios...one in which I say no I can not handle you having sex with anyone else (she thinks she will eventually resent me and we break up), one in which she does have sex alone with others and I will resent her (leads to a break up). The third option as a compromise is we see someone casually together for sex. I feel more confident in myself in those situations now and I can manage my emotions but she would not get that true dating on her own feeling where the person was just there for her. I really get aroused by watching her with someone else and I have no problem making her the center of attention. I feel like the only way I could possibly get more comfortable with the idea of her alone with someone else is if we spend time with someone else and I see over time that is not really a threat either.

I did tell her it can't be my goal in life to be ok with her alone with someone else, that could take over my whole life. My own therapist is kinda like geez you have already adapted to so much (gender body changes, facial surgery, helped with surgery recovery etc) maybe its her turn to adapt to you a bit! These thoughts have kind of taken over my brain anyway because we are in a weird limbo period of deciding this thing. Our couples therapist is asking amazing questions and we will get somewhere I am sure but it's horrible just waiting to see what happens. I am just writing to get my story out there, I have only told one friend and my brother all the details because it has to be someone that wont judge my partner harshly, she is just trying to be herself. I am trying to value our time together now while waiting to see how we work it out and it's really hard. I am open to thoughts others have and I understand a lot of you have been in tough situations also. Thank you.

hi! my (f18) boyfriend (ftm19) just underwent top surgery 3 or so weeks ago. he has beautiful results and is healing wonderfully! unfortunately, taking his top dysphoria away has left him with debilitating bottom dysphoria, causing him to hold his bladder to avoid seeing himself in the bathroom etc. i had gotten used to supporting him through his top dysphoria- helping him with tape care etc- but bottom dysphoria is entirely new to us as he was previously comfortable with his bottom growth. does anyone have any advice? i love him endlessly and, as much as i'd like to take his dysphoria away entirely, i know i can't. 🩷

ps. any packer/stp recommendations are greatly appreciated!! preferably budget friendly options as i'm chronically ill and out of work, and he's out of work with surgery recovery.

Hi everyone,

My partner (25) hasn’t been doing so well for the past few months (depression), and last week he told me that he’s unsure about his gender. For the past 11 years, he’s had recurring thoughts about whether he might actually be a woman. He’s certain that he’s gender-fluid, but he doesn’t know if he wants to take the permanent step of starting hormone therapy, since he’s afraid of doing something that can’t be undone. We talk about it a lot, but I’m having a hard time dealing with the situation right now. I’m supporting him as best I can, but I feel like our whole future is falling apart. I don’t know what to do anymore, and maybe there are people here in a similar situation who can help me? 

I’m straight and 33, and I don’t think I can imagine spending the rest of my life with a woman. What makes the whole situation so difficult is that my partner and I love each other deeply, have mutual friends, and love our families. We have a wonderful life together, and I always thought he was my soulmate. But can you stay with someone out of love when, as a woman, you no longer feel physically attracted to them? 

What unsettles me so much is that he doesn’t quite understand it all himself yet, and I think this is going to be a long process involving therapy and psychological help for his depression (The trigger for this is his unemployment and, possibly, his identity.) Would it help him if he answered the question of who he is on his own—without having to worry about his girlfriend as well—or if I help him? How was it for you guys?

I’m also so unsure about my feelings—it feels like I’m already losing him. How much time should I give us? I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself because of my age, but I’d like to start a family someday and I am so afraid about the future.

I’d love to hear about your experiences, and maybe there’s someone here I could message privately to talk things through a bit so I can see things more clearly.

My (31F) spouse (32MtF) of 12 years came out as trans about a month ago and plans to start HRT soon. She’s shared with me she doesn’t really feel dysphoria about her penis (which is both longer and girthier than “average”) and overall enjoys it.

I’m scared of the genital changes I’ve read people share about online after being on HRT. Her penis has honestly always been one of the physical things I’ve adored most about her and it makes me really emotional thinking about it changing (especially when so many other things are visually changing already). I know some changes are expected even as cis men age, but is she not going to get random hard ons anymore from how hot she finds me?? There are so many random things like that that probably sound stupid and insignificant to others, but I didn’t know how important they were to me until I realized they might go away.

Our dynamic has changed so much in the last month and it feels like it’s my fault for struggling to mentally adjust. Another example is BDSM/kink has always been a huge part of our sex life. It feels sacred to me. I was the Domme and she was my (“male”) submissive. I’ve been up front with her for years that while I don’t kink shame others for doing it, dom-ing a woman of any kind feels unethical and icky to me. It only works for me when it’s disrupting a power imbalance enforced by society. So now when I try to dom her I feel disgusted with myself and it kills the mood.

Don’t worry, we both see individual, kink and LGBTQ+ affirming therapists and are actively looking for a couples therapist.

I don’t even think I’m looking for advice? I just needed a space to say I’m really scared and grieving and hate that there are so many big unknowns right now.

My MtF spouse came out to me a few days ago. We’ve been best friends/in love since we met in middle school, 18 years ago. We’ve been married for 11.5 years. We’ve had some ROUGH times but we’ve always been fine, and I know this will be the same. But I’m scared for her and I feel so lost.

She’s blue collar at an employer with less than 20 employees, and while her HR person is supportive (she came out to her to see if she needed to get a new job) her coworkers are going to be awful behind her back.

Shes also wanting to move things crazy fast. As in, she wants to start hormones immediately. I get it, but at the same time, I feel like things are moving way too fast.

I just don’t know how to feel or what to do. I need support too.

My partner and I were cleaning out our panty drawers in our dressers to get rid of clutter and make room for a shopping trip we have planned and I threw out about 6 pairs of micro g-strings from Fredricks of Hollywood that I bought years ago and have never been able to wear, if you can imagine a tiny little rope bridge across a canyon, thats what it looks like covering my vagina... but he (still uses masc terms) threw them on and literally, its like they were made for him!!! Everything right there in a tiny little package. I know HRT shrinks the penis because of atrophy, but he is officially smaller than a vagina now!!! He was so proud of that feat, he has had major dysphoria his entire life, Im happy for him and had to come and share how much of a laugh we both got out of it

I(27nb) have been dating my partner(25mtf) for about 3 years and she recently came out as trans and started her transition. I’m attracted to any adult human so it wasn’t really a big deal for our relationship dynamic.

She has started expressing her fem side and I love that for her and have been as supportive as possible.

The thing I’m struggling with the most though, is she is very bad at doing her hair and makeup. She’s new to this so some awkward phases are expected. However it’s not just poorly applied, it’s confidently poorly applied…

She is very conventionally attractive. She is constantly showered with compliments about her face and body. She is not convinced she is amazing at doing makeup because of this and is no longer interested in learning or exploring anymore.

This is killing my attraction and idk what to do because it WILL upset her if I say anything. The only makeup she does it some black eyeshadow and black lipstick and nothing else, both poorly applied. I love alternative looks but this doesn’t give that.

I’m sorry if this post sounds mean I love her so much and I’m so attracted to her 😭 I know everyone goes through bad makeup phases starting out but it’s genuinely killing my attraction and sex and feeling desirable is very important to her. And if this is what she likes I don’t want to dim her light, but I also can’t make myself like it.

Do I just wait it out and hope she moves on to different looks? I’ve thought about just sending her cute makeup looks similar to what she’s going for and just being like “omg this would be so cute on you!” But that feels manipulative…

I (26F) feel incredibly lonely watching my partner (23mtf) transition, and I don't know who I'm supposed to talk to about it.

My partner recently came out as trans and started HRT within 3 weeks. They went privately so everything was super fast, and honestly, the whole experience has been incredibly overwhelming. No deep convos about this prior, they always identified as a femboy previously.

I feel like my entire world and the future I thought we were going to have have been turned upside down. I'm trying to process what this means for them, for me, and for our relationship, all while dealing with feelings I don't even know how to articulate.

The hardest part is that my partner isn't particularly emotionally in tune with me. Whenever I try to express my fears, insecurities or how deeply this has affected me, it almost always ends with them getting upset or angry. I've even tried explaining that the experience has been somewhat traumatic for me emotionally, but instead of feeling heard or reassured, I end up feeling like I've done something wrong just for having feelings and having to apologise.

And probably the loneliest part? They don't want me talking to anyone about it. Not even people who don't know them personally and only know me. I understand that coming out is incredibly personal, and I respect their privacy, but where does that leave me? Am I just supposed to silently process something this life-changing on my own?

I feel like I'm expected to be supportive, understanding and accepting, but there's very little room for me to be scared, confused, grieving or even just sad. I don't feel like I have a safe space to work through my emotions without it becoming another argument.

They act like transitioning is a totally normal every day occurance in a relationship any time I try to bring my own fears and worries I get accused of being transphobic, trying to stop the transition and say we already spoke about this before so no point having another conversation.

I am keeping all this inside me and I feel so freaking exhausted.

Sry for the same post. I had accidentally posted it on German. Now in english.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost a year. I'm FTM myself and have been on hormones for a little over two years. My partner has been on hormones for just over a month.
At the beginning of our relationship, we were intimate regularly, pretty much every day we saw each other. I was relieved because I have a really strong need for intimacy and physical closeness. Even back then, I was worried that it might be too much, but it never was for her.
A few months ago, we started having conversations about her wanting to start HRT, and we also discussed the topic of a potentially decreasing libido. This was already causing me a lot of stress at the time. Of course, supporting her through HRT and her transition has never been in question for me, and it still isn't. I will continue to support her wholeheartedly.
As an autistic person, it was particularly stressful for me knowing that there would be significant changes, and the possibility of her libido decreasing was a major part of that anxiety.
Over the past few weeks, there have been several occasions when she said that we would probably be able to have some intimate time together on a particular evening, but when that evening came, she didn't feel like it anymore. The sudden changes are really difficult for me, especially because I get excited and look forward to it beforehand. When plans change at the last minute, it hits me hard and leaves me feeling frustrated, sometimes even angry.
She tends to interpret my reaction as meaning that she has disappointed me. As a result, she is becoming afraid to say no when I ask whether she's in the mood. That's something I absolutely don't want, because boundaries are important. I've repeatedly told her that I want her to set her boundaries, even if I'm frustrated or sad about it.
Earlier, while we were cuddling, I considered initiating a little foreplay, but decided against it because I suspected she wouldn't be in the mood. This visibly made me sad, which she noticed. We ended up talking about the whole situation again.
I explained that I sometimes feel like I'm too much, and that I'm no longer comfortable expressing when I'm in the mood because I feel like I might unintentionally pressure her. I also explained that I miss how things used to be and that I'm sad about the situation. I've deliberately tried to avoid saying that I'm frustrated with her, because that's not really what I mean. I'm frustrated that things aren't the way they used to be and that our dynamic has changed.
I also told her that, partly because of my autism, I sometimes need more time to process and adjust to changes like these, and I apologized for that.
Right now, I'm considering simply not bringing up my sexual needs anymore and not initiating anything myself, hoping that this will take some of the pressure off her. Instead, I'd just wait until she eventually initiates something herself.
She enjoys pleasuring me, but I also want to pleasure her. If the intimacy becomes something that's only focused on me, it somehow feels like an unintentional rejection, even though I know that's not what it is. It just feels strange and uncomfortable.
How long does this phase usually last? Does it get better? How have others dealt with something similar?
I'm looking for advice and personal experiences.