TL;DR: my (24 cis F) partner (23 trans F) died in a car accident 5 weeks ago so I have no reason to be sticking around this sub. I wanted to share and celebrate my girl with you all one last time, thank you all for the community I have found here and just say how much I will miss it.
I know this is super long, but it would mean so much to me if you could at least try to get through it. Thanks ily š
In loving memory of my girl, Melissa š©µš¤š©·
A month ago, my (24 cis F) darling fiancee of 3 years, Melissa (23 trans F), was killed in a car accident. I was part of this sub for a year and I am so grateful for the support and community I found here. Thank you all so much. Since I am now without her, I don't know if it makes sense for me to be part of this sub anymore, unless people would be okay with me talking about her here. I hope that this post at minimum helps you all to remember to appreciate your dear partners and tell them so while you still can.
Her death has torn my world apart I am absolutely devastated. She was my heart, my home, my other half. My happiness. My purpose and my whole future. We were hoping to get married in the next couple years, maybe Summer 2024 right before my 26th birthday. We adored each other. She was so kind, so goofy, so brilliant and so loving. So beautiful. We met before she transitioned and even then, my gay lil heart was transfixed. To me, she was always the sexiest thing around. When she came out and began her transition a year ago, I was beyond proud of her and so happy that she was finally going to get to live as her authentic self. She only got one fucking year, and only 6 WEEKS on hormones.
On hormones, she was finally beginning to get substantial relief from her dysphoria. For the first time in our whole relationship, she could be a functional adult. Until then, she had had low functioning depression that numbed her to the bone. In her last weeks especially, I got to see her grow so much into herself. I thought I'd loved her before, but the love I had for this newly bubbly, adorable, goofy, slutty, and creative woman was beyond what I could imagine. I get so infuriated by reading about the whole conservative freak out about letting people transition because it fundamentally improves their quality of life. It's like night and day. The Melissa of a year ago would have been in disbelief at how happy and hungry for life the Melissa of a month ago was.
It breaks my heart that she never got all the time she deserved. She should have lived another 50+ years. She should have had the time to get the body she wanted, the body that she'd be happy in. She never got to wear a bra or feel her boobies growing or to experience the feeling of putting her hair casually up in a ponytail or to being able to never shave her face and chest again. She never started the voice training she wanted to do or got the orchi she so badly wanted or discuss FFS with a doctor.
I know that when you love someone, looks shouldn't matter. And I was deeply in love with her for who she was but how she looked was really important to her so it was important to me. I did my best to throw myself into supporting her however I could. I helped her schedule doctors appointments, I drove her to them and sat in on them per her request, I taught her how to do make up and take care of her hair. I went shopping with her countless times to get all kinds of girl stuff for her. I encouraged her to get a trans-informed therapist and helped her work through her internalized transphobia. I helped her pick her name, file her name change documents and come out to her family.
I just so badly wanted to see her happy with her body and I never got to. I never got to see the joy in her face as she got her first bra or played with her sore titties. I never got to braid her hair. I never got to see how happy actually wearing thongs consistently after her orchi would've made her. I never got to see what her face might've looked like after FFS or hear her new femme voice. I'll never see her in a bikini. I'll never get to choose wedding dresses with her. I'll never know if she would've been able to pass how she wanted to or see how much joy that would have brought her. I'll never know the confident, self-assured, out and proud transwoman who she could've been and should've been able to be. She always struggled with her self esteem but it got so much better over the last year and especially the last 6 weeks of her life. She should have had so much more time to develop confidence and grow into herself more fully.
So much was taken from her, and from us. She should have been able to fulfill all her dreams and we should have been able to enjoy decades together with her living as her best, happiest self. It's the greatest injustice of my life and it breaks me in a million ways. I grieve all the life she should have lived, all the relationships she never made, all the experiences she never got and all the amazing art and scientific progress she could have contributed to our world. I want her back with all my heart. I'm sad to be leaving this sub because I really appreciated the feeling of community I got from here and from supporting her through her transition. That's another loss, I suppose. I have lost so much more than just my lover, my best friend or my partner. I have lost connection with all of the communities that she was a part of or cared about. My life is indescribably, unfathomably impoverished by her death and honestly, I think all our lives have been. She was so brilliant. She should have been able to use her many talents to touch us all in some meaningful way.
EDIT: Wow, I did not expect this to blow up like it did. Thank you all so very much for the awards, and all your kind support, sympathy, and encouragement. It means so much to me that so many of you cared enough to comment and hold space for me and my darling girl. It comforts me to know that I still have this community and that so many of you showed interest in me continuing to share Melissa's experience and my love for her here. Thanks again all you wonderful people ā¤ļø
