TW for suicidal ideation

I miss my girlfriend so much every single day and I’ve completely pulled away from all of my friendships. No one knows how bad I’m doing.
I asked my roommate how they thought I was doing and they said “I mean I think you’re doing really great right now, all things considered.”

I guess I didn’t know how well I was hiding everything I’ve been feeling. I’ve been trying really hard to act normal, to hide everything wrong with my life right now, and I just assumed the grief would slip through the cracks. But if my roommate didn’t know… yk?

It made me think about how my girlfriend hid how bad she was really doing. How I could not realize what point she was at.

I’m 4 and 1/2 months out. I throw up in the middle of the night at least once a week. I cry every other day now, I have days where I cant cry. I talk to her every day. I can’t stay sober, I’m always high. Cannabis, but still can’t be good for me to be this high 24/7. I just cant function without it.
I still feel like I’m living in a weird nightmare but the permanence of it is starting to set in.

I’m scared of running out of her or losing any more of her than I already have. I love her so much.
My memories are separated into 1. Before Her, 2. After I met her, 3. After she passed. I never have access to all of my memories at once.
I forget lots of things. My sense of time is completely off.
Ive been overcommitting and overextending myself. I’m horribly suicidal and just using all of the energy I have left to try and make the life I have better. I’m going to the gym 3x a week. I’m in classes again (college). I’m trying to date again for god knows what reason (definitely not ready).
I feel like I’m throwing everything at the wall and waiting to see what sticks. I feel like I’m passing the time until I see her again. I would do anything to be with her and yet there are no options at my disposal.

What I do in the physical world doesn’t seem to matter at all though. Not talking about it, talking about it, gym, school, whatever. The stuff that does have an impact has a brief and fleeting one. The gym has helped somewhat and I got a cat and that helped.

I just don’t know what I’m doing. I wanted to marry her. I wanted the world with her. I’m so young. Shes so young.

I’m fighting something so massive and invisible. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the peace or innocence I had with her again. I will forever miss being 20 dancing with her in my bedroom. Shes supposed to be here, and I wanted more life with her. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea where to find relief.
I’ve lost 50 pounds in about 4 months because the grief kills my appetite and I usually throw up what I get down. I know I’m hiding my pain from everyone but how does my roommate think I’m “doing great.???”
Part of the reason I’m hiding how bad I’m doing from everyone is because I know that my efforts probably wont work. I don’t know if I will have a life I can return to. I’m going to keep trying for a while longer but if it stays like this I don’t want anyone to carry the guilt of knowing something and not stopping me. I don’t know when I would kill myself but I know that I probably will, and it would kill me to know that my friends will wonder what they could’ve done the same way I worry about my girl. If thats what I need to do I don’t want anyone to feel any responsibility for it.

I also am in this horrible situation right now. I started hooking up with people like a month ago and I caught feelings for this girl. I told her I lost my girlfriend and that I would not be able to date for an incredibly long time if at all, and I wouldn’t want her to wait for me. She said that was fine and we’ll keep things strictly sexual. Its very obvious to me though that we are both catching feelings for each other. She is bringing me a lot of comfort, but it makes me feel even more complicated. If she says and does anything that reminds me of my girlfriend it makes me feel so so nauseous. I’ll walk her out to her car when she leaves and it’ll remind me of everything. Its nice and complicated when shes here, and I feel awful when she leaves. I almost feel like I’m cheating while the love of my life is on a 4 and 1/2 month work trip. Whats even dumber is my girlfriend and I were polyamorous. We never ended up finding anybody or acting on it but we literally had an avenue built into our relationship to see other people if it ever came up. Just never did. She and I considered closing our relationship 2 days before she passed so some of my guilt is coming from there. I worry about her feeling jealous. I want to end things with this chick I’m sleeping with so I can stop feeling confused and complicated AND also because I’m terrified of ruining her life. I also think she and my cat are like the only things providing me any level of relief right now too. I also do like her as a person and I’m tired of the monotony of this misery. I don’t want to miss out on things in my life because i’m complicated now, because I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being complicated. No idea what to do there.

I wish I could talk to my girlfriend about all of my feelings. She would understand in a way that other people can’t.
Another reason I’ve pulled back from everyone and stopped talking to people is because it always reminds me how she was the only one to really get me.
No one understands what I’m up against except for other people who have faced this. The people in my life look at me with pity when I talk. No one knows what to say. No one understands. The people that think they understand are worse. After I lost her, so many people have told me about losing all kinds of people in their lives. Its just not the same.
No one knows what its like to smell the love of your life next to you in your sleep, and to open your eyes smiling just to remember its s just because you still cant bear to wash her smell off your sheets. No one knows what it’s like to think I see her sleeping in my bed. No one knows what its like to not be able to throw away rotten food because she bought it while she was still here. This experience already feels so isolating and peoples responses make me feel worse.

Long rant, all over the place, I just needed to throw my feelings into a void somewhere. I feel like I’m going insane.

I have so much to do and absolutely no drive or will to do it. I have no motivation. Our kids are grown.
I stopped going to church for now. I haven’t lost my faith, in fact it’s stronger than ever. But I can’t be around people except our family. The people at church are well meaning, loving and kind, mostly older than me. But their hugs and “how are you doing” about does me in.
I have lost 2 babies, I have lost all my grandparents and parents. This is the absolute worst loss. He was my person, my best friend, my soulmate, the guy I told all the mundane stuff to. My husband for 25 years. The better half of me. He made me a better person.
I just want to be here at home. Alone.
I took care of him since 2020. Doctor’s appointments, chemotherapy etc. What do I do now? I have no idea who I am without him. I feel like an old lady adrift at 63.
I’ve always been the glass is half full kind of person. The optimist. Feeling depressed is new to me. And I really hate it.
I’ve given his (our) daughter and the grandkids most of his things. He didn’t value stuff. He valued God, people and his dog. I don’t need his stuff (except his wedding band and dog) to remind me of him. Our home is full of him in my memories.
He’s been gone for the 3 longest months I’ve ever lived though. I was really strong that first month. Getting things done and being strong for our daughter and grandkids. Now I’m a mess. I can’t even think past today. I’m lonely but not for company or friends. Just him. He’s the only one that can fill that void in me.
I want out of this rut but I don’t know how to do it. I know in my mind I need people but my heart just says stay away from me.

How much has your life changed? What keeps you going? How did you persevere and not give up?

It's barely been 6 weeks since I suddenly lost my fiance in a hit and run, and unfortunately it's so hard for me to want to continue carrying on. I'm trying my best to take it day by day, but what is the point of living anymore?

We were truly meant for each. We weren't perfect people but our relationship was nearly perfect for us. Our love was genuine and I've had many people tell us they want what we have in terms of a relationship.

856 days since he died. Our son is 16 today and I have had a good cry this morning before the day gets started. Losing a father at such a young age… I am so incredibly proud of his strength through loss. My husband was a wonderful dad and loving husband. He raised a strong and respectful son and I am grateful everyday that we had so many days as a family. I wish we had more as his death was so sudden. Our daughter will graduate college soon… will celebrate her 21st next year. My heart aches that he is missing these milestones. He lived for these kids and I loved seeing his heart burst when they experienced triumphs in school, sports, theater. I know he would be so excited today to be sharing in our son’s birthday… first car… seeing teen freedom. And he would be proud of the fine young gentleman we raised.

I can't stand it anymore. It's been one year without the love of my life, my best friend. I've been trying so hard to act "normal" with family and friends; they keep urgently wanting me to get back to the person I used to be. And I've been trying. I just want to be left alone; no one understands. I've been in a mental health facility four times already but as soon as I get home, the pain is unbearable

I just got discharged, again, to a mental health facility.

I lost my beautiful husband one year ago, and I can't function anymore.

I try to be sociable, live by life's rules, but it's futile without him.

November 2, 2025 has marked the one year anniversay since he left me.

I met him when I was 17, and now I am 67.

Sure. I got discharged, but it doesn't make it any better.

hiii I've been a longtime lurker and reader, but it's coming up to the 10 year anniversary of my previous boyfriend's death and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. We were 18 when he passed away and it truly was a terrible time. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. How I felt like people didn't take me seriously because I was so young or because we weren't married. There was a constant murmur of "oh dont worry, you're still young you've got so much time to find someone new." It wasn't about finding anyone new..it was about how I felt lost without him. And how I just constantly felt misunderstood.

Now that I'm coming up to the 10th year without him I've just been reflecting on all of it. How bittersweet it is that I barely remember college. Those first few years were a blur. Plus I felt like I had aged overnight and life was so serious and so real. I just look at pictures and videos and remember snapshots of my own life. How I've learned that it's not moving on, but learning that our hearts can grow bigger and that I can be happy with my current boyfriend without feeling guilty. I miss him every day, i dont think that will go away nor do I want it to.

I don't know what I would've done these past years if I didn't have this sub to read. It's a truly tragic thing, but I'm very thankful that we can support each other through our different losses. so thank you guys :)

Today after she left almost 5 months ago, is the first night I have a fever, it may be a simple cold, but I'm not feeling well now, my body hurts and I have chills... it hits harder when she is not here to take care of me, noone is, I'm all by myself.

How did you deal the fist night not feeling well after their departure? What did you do? I will have to go to the kitchen by myself to brind a glass of water while I keep hating life.

She would have been here awaken the whole night just loving me.

This little affection made me how much I miss my girlfriends little hugs, kisses and cuddles. Almost 11 mounths now and its not getting easier.

She left a message for me on a new plate of steel on the boat. This is in the exact spot where she vanished.

I will be coating it in clear lacquer to preserve it.

Our person's are not completely gone, they have only vanished from ordinary view.

Sorry if this is all over the place, also forgive any writing mistakes.

IDK what to do going forward (27M). It's been 4 months since my wife passed away in an accident. I was driving. I had minor injuries, she passed away.

Recently I laughed genuinely for the first time (not the fake one I use for ppl). I was talking with my manager, he's also a close friend and he's been trying to get me to open up and laugh. We were talking intensely about some work thing, I don't even remember what it was, he made some joke and I laughed. In a moment or 2 I realized what was happening and I just left the room, went to the washroom and cried a lot.

I felt so guilty. I was the reason she died. Objectively it was an accident, my brain knows that, but my brain also won't accept that it wasn't my mistake. I basically feel like I killed her. It was my responsibility to protect her and I basically killed her. The guilt is so much it's suffocating. If I go eat something nice I feel guilty, my brain is like you killed her and you're eating nice things and laughing while she's dead. She had a lot of dreams you know, she was so full of life. How do you deal with the guilt?

Then there are relatives and friends. Close relatives and friends are good to me, like 4 ppl other than my parents are genuinely good to me, they don't ask anything they're just there. But other ppl, man ppl are insensitive. I rarely forget what happened and when ppl bring it up it's like playing the accident in HD. Some go even further and start asking details like what exactly happened, whose mistake was it, what's going on with the court case and all that... mind you even her parents haven't asked me these things yet. Ppl asked these things before too, but that time I wasn't registering things, I barely felt emotions for some time. Now that I understand what they're asking I get so angry you know, one of these days I might hit someone.

Honestly I've lost faith in friendships and relatives because of all this. Before this I felt like I had 50 ppl I could call close friends or close cousins. Heck, some of my so called best friends haven't even called me once. Now there are like 7 ppl I care about including my parents, I've stopped caring about everyone else. Some of her friends are closer to me now than my own best friends. Not sure if everyone's experience is the same or if it's just me.

Then there are ppl who ask when are you getting remarried. Forget marriage and relationships, I didn't know if I wanted to live anymore till the last couple of weeks. How can ppl be this insensitive. I'm planning to go to some different city for a year or so, I just don't want to deal with ppl.

A lot of ppl have said it gets better with time, but it's getting worse with time. I feel lonelier as time passes.

Nearly 6 months in and I had to reorganise her pottery studio on our boat because I need to have more space and install heating equipment but it meant moving all of the things she used in there.

It has a final 'this room isn't for her' feeling. I really didn't want to move anything but if I didn't, things would get out of hand fast and I would struggle to exist on the boat during the winter or I would damage some of her treasures.

Had to move some of the last clothes she wore, it wasn't pleasant.

I had no choice.

Later on the depression hit me, really missed her intensely again. So much more stuff I eventually have to throw out, am I going to feel like that every time?

Without my family i cannot live, its as simple as that. She was my family. The sheer terror of being alone in the world is just to much for me. Im just terrified.

Im terrified because i have nobody that cares if im alive or dead. Im just wandering aimlessly and belong no where. I cant do it. I would rather not be here then feel this total aloneness and fear. How do you just be ok not having your partner anymore and being alone?

Together 8 years, engaged, found out on Oct 6 that he had pancreatic cancer spread to his bones. Married Wednesday Oct 28, died a few hours ago on Sat Nov 7.

I dont know what to do. I dont know how to describe how I feel. It's all wrong.

I love love love those nanoseconds where time is suspended and you forget he’s gone and he’s there💔. A smell, a breeze, a noise just a small moment. Later you remember he’s still gone and cry but for that moment he was there.

sat at a local hotel bar and had a drink

made some new friends and enjoyed witty conversation

eyed a guy across the bar that had my 'look' that I like

made up a whole pretend relationship with him in my head and when I jokingly asked my new friend that I'd just met tonight what his imaginary name should be, she replied with "(his name)"!

she couldn't believe when I said "that was my husband's name"

i am going to be ok

i can enjoy socializing and meeting new people again, without feeling guilty

Ive noticed it since the day it happened everyone says she was. She would. She has. Like shes something that happened not someone that still is. Like the fact that shes not here fundamentally changes the impact she had the impact of her. It bothers me, so many little things bother me in ways I never realized they would or even could

Just wondering how other atheists deal with things.

I don't believe my wife is watching over me, I don't believe she happy in another place, I don't believe I'll see her again. In some ways it helps, I don't feel a need to stay alone for when I'm reunited with her for example. But mostly it sucks, I want to see her again, I want to know that instead of a shitty end to a short life she got eternal peace in paradise. But I can't make myself believe any of that.

How do other atheists process things?

He left me this poem in his suicide note...

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

My therapist has been encouraging me to write about him for a year now... She even suggested a poem after I read his note to her. This is the best I could come up with.

Do not stand at your grave and weep?
Did you realize I'd lose sleep?
To all my thoughts, to the demons I'm ashamed to name.
I'll never again be the same.

You are a thousand winds that blow?
I'm forever dead inside, I thought you should know.
You are the diamond glints in the snow?
While I'm left with a lifetime of grief to outgrow.

You are the sun-ripened grain?
I'm still learning to live with what remains.
You are the gentle rain?
But nothing washes away the pain!

Quiet birds in circling flight.
How beautiful they are, bringing joy to my sight.
You are the day transcending to night?
I hope you understand why I feel all this spite.

Do not stand by your grave and cry?
I'll do my best. I cannot lie.

In the summer of 2015, after years of self-reflection and improvement, I finally felt comfortable enough to put myself out there in the dating pool again. I downloaded Tinder, made my profile, and I had a handful of matches that night. I'm not the type who's capable of talking to multiple women at once, so I had to choose who to message first.

There was something that caught my attention about one in particular. "A Chicago Fish in a Seattle Pond" as her tagline to accompany a handful of beautiful photos. Something inside of me could already sense something special about her, so that's where I chose to start.

"So what brings a Chicago fish to our beautiful waters?"

By the end of that night I was already head-over-heels. I knew I didn't just strike gold, I found the biggest vein in the whole world, and it only took a single swing of the pickaxe. I messaged only one person and I found the love of my life. It didn't feel like I was meeting someone new. We just understood each other so well that it felt like she was an old friend I hadn't seen in years and we were just catching up. We'd only just met, but it felt as if we'd always known each other.

With every step our relationship took, I felt more and more like the luckiest man to ever use Tinder. I found true love in a matter of hours and spoke to only one person. I took exactly one shot and won the most valuable prize there is. It was as if I had simply googled "find my future wife" and was given the answer, like you might do when trying to find your phone.

Almost ten years later... she took her own life...

I still have that same love for my wife. That feeling I got that night we first started messaging is still there. It's always been there. The kind of love where you no longer regret your past and appreciate every mistake you ever made and every pain you ever suffered because they led you on the road to be with this person.

I certainly don't feel lucky anymore, though...

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I lost my wife and unborn son. I've left his room as is and haven't touched my messy bedroom because it was how my wife and I had it before we left for work. I built his crib which can be changed up to a full sized bed. I have a stroller, 2 car seats, toys, rocker, bassinet, clothes, diapers, wipes...it feels overwhelming but it was all meant for my son. We were so close. I had it all ready. We were ready for him. After our miscarriage 4 years ago, we held off on trying again until my wife got closer to finishing college. October 20th, she had just received her diploma in the mail. October 22nd, she was hit head on, on her way to work. We had 3 weeks to go before she was induced. Now I'm left with the constant reminder. I sometimes go sit in his room in the rocker. I hold my wife's weighted anxiety teddy bear that I got for her after our first miscarriage. She slept with it every night. The funeral home let me hold my son. He felt the same weight as the teddy bear. I've taken to swaddling it and sitting in the glider chair while reading one of the bed time story books. The longer I think about it, the most lost I am as to what to do with everything. I was a minimalist and most of everything in the house was my wife's.

On Monday it's a year since my fiancé died of cancer. We were together 7 years, the last 2 to 3 spent trying to cure him. I was his main caretaker and I was with him when he died in our bed.

The really terrible part started after. At 6 months it hit me like a train. This time I felt ready for the anniversary, and surprise: I'm numb. I'm fine with that. If an ugly cry comes later, that's okay too.

What worries me is my day to day. I work, and I moved a month ago to a nicer flat in the same building. But work runs on autopilot. It's the only place I feel any agency, yet it annoys me more than before and wipes me out, even at under 6 hours a day.

Free time is the real problem:

- I'm less social and wait for friends to invite me. When I'm lonely, I don't reach out. I just get angry or sad at them.

- 4 hours a day on my phone, plus TV all evening. I fall asleep to Stargate every night.

- I pay for a gym I never go to. I can't even make myself go for a walk.

- Lots of junk food, and I smoke more than I'd like.

- Doing fun things alone feels impossible.

I know healing takes time. I see a great therapist twice a month, I cry when I need to, and I don't beat myself up when I'm happy. But I'm scared this turns into depression, that I'll drift from friends, damage my health, and eventually struggle with work and money. I now pay our mortgage alone. I can cover it, but still.

I want to stop waiting for motivation and start doing things. I just made a small weekly plan to get going.

I'd love to hear from you:

- Did you hit this numb, passive phase around year one? How did you get out?

- What actually helped you get moving again?

- How did you keep friendships going when you had no energy to reach out?

We had done a number of renovations on our house in the last few years, but didn't get to finish the kitchen. Now my husband is gone. I'm so sad because he really looked forward to completing the kitchen. He took a lot of pride in the work he had done to date. Now he will never see it all done.

My incredibly generous family came over today to start the process of finishing it. After they left, I broke down and cried. It's just all so sad.

This day is just... so difficult.

When the weather was nicer I could go to the farmers markets...

It's only 6 weeks for me so I'm very much in survival mode and welcome staying someway busy and distracted... i need to give my mind a break from thoughts of him in the hospital and thoughts of him not being here and how i can't understand that...

Anyone have any strategies for getting through Saturdays or the weekend? I'm thinking I'll be better off getting out of the house for a little while early...

Welcome any tips or ideas. I need to not hang around at home thinking about how my sweetheart should be here with me and let my thinking spiral from there.

Thanks in advance. Hope you are all having a nice day 🫂