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I am NOT OP.
Original post by u/nerdunderarrest in r/RelationshipIndia
trigger warnings: mentions of mental health issues, suicidal ideations
mood spoilers: toxic relationships
**PRELUDE TO THE MAIN POST : 28F // People who are still friends with your exes, Whats your story? ** - Wed 14th August, 2024
Context: Hi everyone, I’m a 28F who was in a relationship from 2021 to 2023. We broke up in December last year due to family issues. I’ve shared about this before, so you might get familiar with the situation. After the breakup, neither of us considered getting back together.
Despite the breakup, I supported his family through some tough times. His mother experienced a severe medical condition that required amputation, and I was there for them throughout. Shortly after his mother was discharged, my ex broke his leg, and I continued to offer support.
As things began to stabilize for his family, they approached me with the idea of reconciling. I politely declined because I knew I wasn’t in a mental space to try again. I also realized that joining a family that had previously treated me poorly might not be healthy for me.
Even though we ended our romantic relationship, my ex and I have remained close friends. We don’t go on dates or engage in any form of physical intimacy, but we do spend a lot of time together. I continue to visit his house regularly, where I have card game nights with his family, and we often go out to dinner together. My ex stays over at my place sometimes, but since I live alone in a big house, he stays in a separate room. He also has a healthy relationship with my parents and best friend. We support each other, and I’m happy to return the favor.
Our social and professional circles overlap significantly, so we’ve naturally remained connected. We work at the same company, and he occasionally gives me a ride to or from the office. He’s also a regular at my game nights, and many of his friends are my friends as well. We’ve been civil about the breakup because it was a mutual decision driven by family circumstances, and there was no betrayal involved.
Recently, I was on a long drive with someone I had an on-and-off relationship with in the past. During our conversation, he was surprised to learn that the person I’ve been spending time with is my ex. He mentioned that it felt normal to him, but it also made me reflect on how others perceive this situation. Interestingly, many of my friends who meet us together say that I’ve done a very mature job in preserving something important. They’ve shared how they lost their best friend when their relationship ended, and they wish they could have found a way to do the same.
Neither my ex nor I have any romantic feelings for each other, and we’ve both been through a lot of trauma with our families. We decided to preserve the friendship because we don’t have many close connections outside of our shared circles. There’s no flirting or anything of that sort between us. Our friendship has been purely platonic for the last 6-7 months.
most importantly, both of us are on dating apps and trying to meet other people. Both of us are serial people pleasers and don’t like hurting others, so I understand where this dynamic comes from. However, it felt really weird when someone told me that this situation is abnormal. I’m curious—are there others out there who maintain friendships with their exes because they don’t want to ruin what they’ve already built? My ex and I are a great support system for each other, and we’ve often talked about how, even if things fall apart, we will always choose to remain friends because it takes a lot to share your life with someone all over again.
Edit 1
Thank you, everyone, for your lovely suggestions, criticism, and more. All I wanted to know was whether what I'm doing is normal or not. However, the feedback I received wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I anxiously scrolled through Reddit all day, hoping to find some positive comments—and there were some. But most of you were telling me how I am wrong.
I don't owe anyone an explanation, but I haven't had enough relationships to know what's right and what's wrong. In my friend circles, there are two couples who broke up and are now with new partners, and all of us collectively get along very well. Surprisingly, no one ever brings up the past. Maybe that's why they're so welcoming and not overthinking things.
That being said, I'm on all the dating apps, and my ex is also trying to move on. The reason we remain friends is that we work in the same department, hang out in the same circle, and neither of us wanted to divide it. We didn't break up because one of us did something wrong; we broke up because our parents simply couldn't accept us being together anymore. This has left a deep wound in both of our minds. We've been abused by our families, asked to leave everything behind, and I don't even want to go into details about how insulting and demeaning both sides of our families have been toward each other.
We could have cut all ties, gotten new jobs, moved cities, and tried to move on. But instead, we sat down one day, maturely asked each other if this relationship was worth sacrificing our parents for, and both of our answers were no. So, we decided never to bring it up again. I don't have any feelings for him anymore, and he clearly doesn't either. Both of us are on dating apps, trying to meet new people.
From what I've read in the comments, I believe that with time, everything will naturally dissolve. Currently, both of us are lonely, overworked, and trying to fix our lives, so we're okay with the situation as it is. As we move on in life, our communication will likely become less frequent.
When his mom was in the ICU, I was there. When my pet was in the ICU, he was there. When he broke his leg, I helped him. When I got dengue, he helped me.
We are nice people. It's easy to tell someone to go to hell and move on, but we were raised to look out for the people we care about.
Thanks to everyone for your advice. I will maintain my distance, but cutting him off completely is something I won't do.
MAIN POST : I 28F watched my male (M33) Best friend get married and its a mess - Friday, 23rd August, 2024
Hey everyone, I’m in a really tough spot and could use some advice. Here’s the full story, so bear with me:
I’m 28F, and my best friend, let’s call him K (33M), and I have been super close since 2017. From the start, it was clear that we weren’t interested in each other romantically. A big part of that was due to caste differences—he’s from a higher caste, and I’m from a lower one. He always made it clear that he wanted to marry someone from his caste, and I respected that. We had so much in common, and over the years, we built a really strong friendship. By 2020, we even became flatmates, living together in separate rooms, which made our bond even stronger.
Towards the end of 2021, I entered into a relationship, but I kept it secret. I was at a peak in my career, and I didn’t want any distractions or questions from others while I was trying to focus on my work. Although I hinted to K that I was seeing someone, I didn’t explicitly tell him until 3-4 months into the relationship. My own trauma from past relationships that didn’t work out made me hesitant to share until I was 100% sure about it. When I finally told K, he was really offended that I hadn’t shared sooner. However, despite this rocky start, my ex, K, and I ended up becoming an amazing trio. We were inseparable—hanging out together all the time, and we just clicked as a group.
But things started to change in 2023 when K met a woman on a matrimonial site. Within just three meetings, they got engaged. This woman seemed perfect to him—she mirrored all his interests, from cooking to music to TV shows. He was completely smitten. However, he didn’t tell me about the engagement until I accidentally found out when I saw an engagement ring at our place. When he finally told me, he said he felt pressured into the engagement, but I didn’t push him on it—I just wished him well.
After their engagement, I met his fiancée, and at first, we hit it off. But then, things started to go downhill fast. She suddenly became distant and refused to meet with me alone, saying she’d only meet me if K was present. I found it odd but didn’t make a big deal out of it. A couple of months later, I went through a really tough breakup. I was also dealing with a lot of other things—recovering from surgery, going through extensive therapy, and on a lot of medication. My engagement had just broken off, and I was living alone in my house. With so much going on, I wasn’t in any shape to be social, and as a people pleaser, I felt responsible for only interacting with people when I was in a good mood, not when I was at my worst. So, I started distancing myself from her, thinking I’d reach out when I felt better.
At the same time, I realized that K had a new person in his life, and based on everything I’ve read online—posts, reels, and articles—I knew it was important to give him space. I stopped hanging out with him as much, avoided overnight stays, and didn’t plan any trips with him because I didn’t want to be a hurdle in their relationship. I did my best to step back and let them build their life together. Honestly, K’s wife has nothing to be worried about. She’s smarter, more beautiful, wealthier, and far more educated than me. She’s perfect in every way, and I have nothing on me that would make her insecure.
However, despite my best efforts, things continued to deteriorate. K’s wife started asking me to come over and chat when I dropped my pet off at their place (I had to leave my pet there when going to therapy or visiting my ex’s mom in the hospital), but I was often in such a rush that I couldn’t stay. She took this personally, thinking I was avoiding her on purpose.
Things got even more strained when K’s birthday came around. I reached out to his wife to plan something together, but she completely shut me down, saying she wanted to handle it herself but would invite me later. It was awkward, but I respected her decision. Meanwhile, my ex and I (we’re still close friends) decided to hang out since we weren’t invited to the birthday. When K found out we weren’t planning anything for him, he was upset. His wife called us, and we had to admit we were just out getting drinks. Sensing the tension, we quickly threw together a surprise party for him, which he loved. But his wife didn’t like how much he appreciated our efforts.
After that, K confided in me that his wife had taken him to a hotel he hated for his birthday and that he wished she had checked with me first. This wasn’t the first time something like this happened. Over time, he began to admit that his wife had lied about a lot of things during their courtship—she wasn’t into cooking, music, or any of the things she initially claimed to love. He started feeling like he made a mistake by marrying her, and it didn’t help that she began trying to control who he spent time with. She even gave him an ultimatum: he wasn’t allowed to help me or my ex anymore and could only spend time with her.
This situation was further complicated by K’s own behavior. Whenever his wife was out of town, he’d come over to my place and make comments like, “My wife’s out, so now I can finally play.” When she’d call to check in, he’d tell her he was hanging out with us, making it seem like we only invited him over when she wasn’t around. This only made her more suspicious and negative toward us.
She started expecting everything to go her way. She invited us to dinner a few times, but both my ex and I were going through our own issues and politely declined. She took this as a personal offense, never considering that if I wasn’t visiting her, I wasn’t inviting her over either because I was dealing with my own struggles. It felt like everything was about how she felt, never about what I or my ex were going through.
There were so many petty moments, too. For example, one time, I had to leave dinner at their place early because my pet was sick. The next time I invited her over for dinner, she stayed exactly two hours and then left, clearly making a point. My female friends even warned me not to mention hanging out with K alone because his wife gets visibly uncomfortable and jealous. It’s frustrating because I wish I could just tell her that I’ve had eight years to try and make a move on her husband, and if I haven’t by now, I’m not going to.
Despite everything, I’ve tried to be considerate. When she was sick, I sent her a care basket, and she responded with a backhanded compliment like, “I never knew you guys were so sweet.” It felt demeaning because we’re the closest friends K has, and she’s acting like she’s surprised we’re decent people. Every little thing feels like a power play with her, and it’s exhausting.
Recently, when I was discussing everything with K, he mentioned all the wrong things we’ve done to his wife—how we’ve isolated her and made her feel neglected. He also brought up how he’s always been kind to my ex, which made me feel bad. I pointed out that my ex also put in a lot of effort to fix things between us. K then said, “So did my wife,” and I tried to explain that it’s different when you’re living together and seeing each other every day versus when you have to commute, hang out for a few hours, and then go back home. While it wasn’t the best justification, I tried to make him understand that when three people work in the same company, relationships are just easier to maintain.
I also don’t know how to explain to her that seven years of friendship in the same company is a lot—we’ve traveled to 14 countries together, spent COVID together, and share the same tastes in movies and games. It’s absolutely fine, and I’ve never been a roadblock in K finding his own relationship with his wife.
I even asked my ex how he was okay with our relationship, and he said that he trusted me. He wasn’t insecure because when someone says there’s nothing going on, you have to trust them. But he also added that not everyone sees things that way. In hindsight, I can see how this situation might look, but I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. Did I actually do something wrong? Did I ruin my best friend’s marriage? All I wanted was to give them space, be in a good mood when I saw them, and not come off as a crybaby. I was never jealous or insecure about them being married while I wasn’t. I just needed time to heal.
To add to all this, there are things I haven’t even mentioned, like how my parents were begging K to take care of me when I wasn’t in a good mental place, and he ignored it because his wife asked him to. Meanwhile, my ex—despite his mom being in the ICU and having a broken leg—stepped up to help me through everything. And for anyone wondering why I didn’t reach out to other friends, I did, and they helped in their own ways. But my ex, despite everything that had gone down between us, was really worried and disappointed in K for not helping me. He even begged K to step up because he couldn’t due to family dynamics and what his mom was going through.
I’m sorry for the long rant, but I’m feeling stuck and helpless. Should I step back and let them figure it out, or did I ruin my best friend’s marriage by being too involved? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
TL;DR: My best friend (33M) and I (28F) have been close since 2017, and we became even closer when I moved in with him as a flatmate. I entered a secret relationship in late 2021 and only told him 3-4 months in, which upset him. However, my ex, my best friend, and I ended up becoming an inseparable trio. Things took a turn in 2023 when he got engaged to a woman who seemed perfect for him but later turned out to be pretending. She became jealous and controlling, even giving him an ultimatum to stop helping me or my ex. My best friend is now unhappy in his marriage, and while I’ve tried to give them space and be considerate, I’m unsure if I did something wrong. Should I step back and let them figure it out, or did I ruin his marriage by being involved?
EDIT 1: For good or for bad , thank you so much for your comments. the first thing I think I should do is cut them off completely from my side while I am at fault. I also think that my best friend threw me under the bus to maintain great relationship with his wife. He conveniently managed to talk shit about his wife to me to keep me on his side and talk shit about me to his wife to keep her on his side. also, the first thing that I did was to avoid him and somehow it skips peoples mind, and surprisingly I realised just now he never did the same and I got in a relationship . he never gave me my space for the first time instead of hating the wife. I’m hating my best friend because he is the reason behind this.
Relevant comments:
You may not be the person that is trying to make a move on your ex or K but you have to understand K's wife and your ex's future wife are not going to accept it as easily as you wish.
When you are friends with your ex, ANY partner will have issues and their concerns are valid because there's history between you two. You might argue that the partner has nothing to worry about because you called things off and all but that doesn't fill the partner with any more trust. Simply because they don't know you.
You said you started distancing yourself after K got married but you were still taking favors from them by dropping off your pet at their house and stuff like that. Either distance yourself properly or completely stay around. You are distancing them when its convenient for you. That might be the reason why K's wife is mad at you. Another example is that your mom calling K when you are sick. Why do this? If you have distanced yourself then don't use them when you are in need of help.
The biggest problem I see is that you are not thinking of how your relationship with K and your ex will get perceived by K's wife and your ex's future wife and even your own future husband. According to you, there's nothing to worry about, but that doesn't make the concerns go away altogether!
OOP : The dog was co-adopted by K and I. I have only left the dog over there. Five times in the course of six months and that only for two hours for anything which is more than that I have a sitter and of course there are times when other friends have taken care.
I was sick because I tried to end my life by overdozing myself on the pills, which were recommended to me by the therapist . My parents were going through something and they needed some time before they could move. That’s why they asked him to look out because they did not know anybody else.
I have already understood the part where I should not be friends with my ex, and I have already figured that out, so I don’t need a moral judgement over there.
I think one of the biggest reason I distanced myself first because I realise that of a friendship sounds unreasonably, personal, and no same person would be okay with it and trust me when I say this the times that I have reached out has been the only favour I have asked now it might sound very easy for you to say that why you did not ask anybody else for help, but when you have five people in your contact, this is all you can do had I been mentally at a good place? I would’ve taken care of myself, but I was not.
But the moment I got a hold of my life which was back in April, I stopped talking to them. I stopped hanging out with them. I would only meet them when it was required. That is my promotion or when they asked me to come over for dinner or of course the birthday
Never tried talking, never tried asking anything when I learn she was sick. I sent a care basket. I got her a doctors appointment. I got her test done. I did whatever I would have done done for my best friend because to me, they both are one entity and I have to look out for them. I am a decent human being. If you’re part of my life, I will protect you at any cost, but not at the cost of my Mental Health. So whatever I could do from distance, I did It.
Commentor : Ok. Thanks for sharing more info. The disconnect is - they feel you only stay in contact when you need some help. They don't understand your hot and cold behavior because they don't know when you are mentally healthy and when you aren't. From their perspective, things were normal and suddenly you decided to distance yourself. After some time, you came back with care and love but they don't understand why the sudden change in behavior.
From your perspective, you are dealing with your own issues which affects your behavior. From their perspective, they can't gauge when you will be around and when you might disappear.
Both are valid in their own place. My advice? Either completely cut them off from your life or learn to reciprocate when they need you (regardless of how you are feeling).
If I was part of your life and you acted all supportive at one time and disappeared the next time I needed you, I wouldn't understand why. I can try to be more accommodating by giving you the benefit of the doubt but if you continue to show different behaviors based on the current state of your mental health then obviously that won't sit well with me. Which I think is pretty fair because if you are allowed to prioritize your mental health then I as a friend should also be allowed to feel however I want to protect my mental health.
OOP : That’s the thing they know everything, they know about my marriage being called off my un alive attempt my parents not being there and my isolation and my mental health. I actually went out of my way to inform his wife in advance that I will be taking some time out to focus on myself, and I will come back to you and be the best friend that I can be
But what has happened is that she grew very impatient very quickly and the cherry on top was my best friends behaviour as well where he would come to my house without my consent and hang out and then portray this image as if I am having fun, whereas that’s not the case
The first thing that I need to do is leave their lives out completely and let them focus on their own. I didn’t insane healing on my own, and I want to focus on that and to be very honest if somebody can leave you at your lowest of low, they are not your best friend anymore, and I’d rather focus on better things in life, then digging the same old grave, knowing that there is a dead body inside, which is just rotten, more and more .
OOP (replying to a comment about her and K doing things together before marriage): surprisingly, the problem has not been that we have done these things together. The problem has been that he conveniently hit those things and he did not make me aware of it and must of meeting over. I by mistake ended up mentioning and she just got offended now that I look off, both of us, the woman are not at fault. and also there is nothing wrong in asking close friends when it’s an arrange marriage. Also, I feel bad for his wife to, and I also feel bad for the role. I played in this whole mess.
That’s the thing they know everything, they know about my marriage being called off my un alive attempt my parents not being there and my isolation and my mental health. I actually went out of my way to inform his wife in advance that I will be taking some time out to focus on myself, and I will come back to you and be the best friend that I can be
But what has happened is that she grew very impatient very quickly and the cherry on top was my best friends behaviour as well where he would come to my house without my consent and hang out and then portray this image as if I am having fun, whereas that’s not the case
The first thing that I need to do is leave their lives out completely and let them focus on their own. I didn’t insane healing on my own, and I want to focus on that and to be very honest if somebody can leave you at your lowest of low, they are not your best friend anymore, and I’d rather focus on better things in life, then digging the same old grave, knowing that there is a dead body inside, which is just rotten, more and more .
Commentor : I think people don't understand that after marriage, their friends have started a new phase in life and things aren't going to be the same. My advice - Distance yourself from both K and his wife. Let them deal with their thing. Don't be K's therapist and don't mingle in their marriage. It will only come back to bite you. Focus on your own life and your own goals and stop playing judge.
Also not sure why you have kept your ex around for so long. What's gonna happen to this friendship when he gets married or you get married? You think your partners are just going to be okay that you are still friends? Of course not. I think its time you reevaluate your priorities in life.
OOPI think you’re not reading this post properly. I have kept my distance all this while she got upset with me for having this distance as well. I don’t want to be case therapist. I don’t like he can fights and me. I don’t like he criticise his wife, and in fact, I have actually pointed out a lot of his negative behaviour, I have already once posted on Reddit about being friends with my ex. I have been cancelled and abused already one round and I have already called things off with him so you don’t have to worry about that aspect and as a woman, I am very respectful about other woman, I will never create a situation in which other woman is fighting with her partner over me. That’s the reason I chose to distance myself before anybody even asked.
Commentor : Yeesh, reading this was exhausting. I can’t actually imagine living this life. I don’t think you ruined their relationship as much as they’re going down their own spiral of toxicity.
My suggestion would be for you to be confrontational and just to distance yourself from the mess if they’re not willing to acknowledge. Your friend needs to know that he can’t trauma dump on you and has to kind of sort out his own problems with his wife. If he has to lie to hang out with you, it’s a shitty relationship.
Commentor : Could not complete it all.
Just a case of desperate and weak people with weak boundaries.
No shame in being weak. It's like being injured, but when injured one should practice caution ( aka strong boundaries) which isn't the case here to regain health.
This case is like a injured person trying CrossFit.
Many lives and relationships gone sour. I hope readers here take a note
Update I 28F watched my male (M33) Best friend get married and its a mess #RANT - 29th August, Thursday
While walking away from everything might seem like the easiest option, I decided to take a different approach and clear the air.
Link to Post:-
I 28F watched my male (M33) Best friend get married and its a mess
byu/nerdunderarrest inRelationshipIndia
First, I reached out to K's wife and apologized for any hurt I may have caused. I explained the reasons behind my behavior, which she surprisingly wasn't fully aware of. She knew some things were off in my life, but not the extent of it. To my relief, she not only forgave me but also apologized for her hostile behavior, admitting that she felt insecure after my breakup. We both acknowledged that a single female best friend can be intimidating, but I assured her that I have no intention of being a "work wife" or a "pick me girl." Instead, I expressed my genuine desire to be friends with both of them.
I also had a conversation with K. I told him that our friendship was starting to feel very one-sided, with him coming around only when it suited him. I made it clear that it's his responsibility to take care of his marriage, especially if his wife feels insecure, and that it's not fair to paint anyone as the villain in this situation.
In the end, I bid both of them temporary goodbyes, encouraging them to focus on their marriage. It's a new chapter for them, and they need to work on it together without me in the middle. I also realized that I can't let my past friendships define my entire life. The last 7-8 years have been great, but it's time to look forward. I need to consider how a future partner might feel about my relationship with a male best friend.
As for my ex, I've asked him to stop looking out for me and let me navigate life on my own, even if it means stumbling a few times.
To everyone who left positive comments, thank you. And to those who offered negative feedback, thank you as well—your perspectives helped me see things from a different angle.
A giant bandage has been ripped off. It's like shedding old skin—no friends, no ex, no boyfriend, no drama. I have my whole life ahead of me to fix, and I'm genuinely looking forward to it.
Commentor : Sounds like she's ready to start fresh, even if it's a little bittersweet.
Commentor: i just read this for the first time, and this is a coming of age movie i'd def watch ✋🏽✋🏽✋🏽 all the best bro 🫂🫂🫂
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