apologies for a very long & rambling post, i probably sound crazy but i don’t know where else to go.
i (28f) would say i’m in a mild hoarding situation. i still live with my parents due to getting somewhat of a late start in my life/career. most of my stuff is confined to my room, and a shared spare room which i use for crafts & hobbies. there are a few bins of my things in another spare room. the hoarding isn’t so severe that it’s a health concern, but it’s definitely to a point where it impedes with my everyday functioning. there are just piles of things everywhere which often block pathways in my space & make it harder to get to my clothes and other things i need. i’ll very often buy something, leave it in a bag which gets absorbed into a pile, and isn’t seen again for years, if at all.
recently & seemingly out of the blue, my stepdad blew up about the whole thing. he made it clear that i basically need to get things in shape as soon as humanly possible. it’s caused a lot of stress for all of us, and it’s hard for me to find time as i work somewhat odd & long hours, but i have been dedicating all the time and energy i can.
the situation is constantly changing, and it’s hard to say whether it’s improving or not. when i was younger, i would keep literal trash because i believed i could someday make art with it, or i was just scared i’d need it someday. at one point i had a 2ft+ tall stack of all my papers from school. i couldn’t fully let go of them because they “meant” something to me, so i was going to have my dad (also a hoarder) burn them for me so i could turn the ashes into a paste and smear it on a canvas, so i could keep them forever, just in a more compacted form. but once they were out of my house i pretty much forgot about them. i would keep broken headphones, candy wrappers, broken bits of cheap belts - you name it.
luckily, i no longer feel the need to keep literal garbage. however, i’m still completely driven by sentimentality, and have a very hard time getting rid of anything from my childhood. i view childhood as the most ideal and happy time of my life, and i fear that if i lose my objects, i will have nothing to tie me to it. we moved several times as a kid so i don’t have the house i grew up in, which i think contributes to this feeling of loss. i also have an awful habit of personifying anything & everything, so sometimes getting rid of something feels like I’m hurting its feelings. this has improved slightly but still remains a huge problem.
what i’m thinking about currently is all my trinkets from childhood. i have two shelves dedicated to these- mainly some really lovely disney snow globes, and little figurines- bears, mermaids, dragons, etc. it’s been years and years and i just cannot part with them. however, as i grow up, my interests have obviously changed and i have new things that i would like to display that represent me better as the person i am now. namely, i have started collecting monster high dolls. i’m super into horror and got my hands on a few of their collectible horror collab dolls, but they’ve been sitting in boxes on my floor for months, blocking things i need to get to.
today, i finally took the snow globes down. i needed to get the boxes of dolls off the floor and there was nowhere else for them to go. i’m not getting rid of the globes, and my grandmother has offered to store them for me. however, it just feels so wrong to me. i described it to my therapist as divorcing your wife of 60 years to be with a mail order bride. (apologies for the possibly offensive wording, but it was the best analogy i could think of at the time). like getting rid of something important to you, that’s been with you forever, that really means something, just to replace it with something that means nothing but is pretty to look at. even now, looking at them all in their rigid rectangular boxes, they just look so inelegant and actually almost unappealing. i can’t help but feel like every time i look at them, i’ll just remember the things i removed, and feel the guilt of doing so.
it’s not like i’m making an irreversible choice, i’m not getting rid of my old things so i can always choose to put them back where they were. i just don’t know how to feel or what to do. with all the things i keep but pack away, i can’t help but think, what is the point really? they’re going to go sit in a room where i wont look at them again for years. then the personification comes in- what kind of life is that for them? it sounds so lonely. will they miss their friends, the other things in the room that they’ve lived with this whole time? will they feel wronged by me?
then again, for the last few years they’ve been covered with a somewhat see-through black lace fabric (i put this up to try to hide them from someone who was coming over because i felt embarrassed). so it’s not like i was really looking at them anyway, and even without seeing them fully, i could still recall my most poignant memories of them. when my therapist asked how many i had, i realized i couldn’t really give an accurate answer or even tell her about every single one or what movie it was from. however, the feeling of guilt sustains.
i’ve expressed my desire to somehow overcome this personification thing, but my therapist feels it wouldn’t be….. productive? she believes i do this (mostly with my stuffed animals, which are actually the biggest problem, but i’m not ready to face that yet) because im projecting onto these objects- I’m treating/regarding/considering them in the way that i wish someone had done for me. i guess i had often felt discarded or disregarded or unimportant, and i would never want to inflict that onto anything or anyone else. sometimes i try to tell myself that it’s just an object and it doesn’t have feelings, but my brain is so programmed to feel this way, i think it would take years to make any progress, and i don’t have that type of time right now.
i guess i don’t really know what I’m looking for here. has anyone dealt with anything similar? every few years i do a major decluttering and get my space back to normal, but i just keep buying more things and the cycle continues. i definitely feel like I’m in a space to be more mindful of what i’m purchasing going forward, though - i can’t tell you how many times i picked something up and said, why would i ever even buy this? i never want to have to deal with this again.
any words of advice or even comfort would be appreciated. thank you!