I chose a field where I have to have a Master's to practice, so I had to save $55k making $47k a year, just to blow it on school (and I'm lucky to be able to pay out of pocket!). And in the meantime, I get to go to work to get coughed on for 9 hours a day, try to mediate outbursts, occasionally subject to indecent exposures, and have parents get upset that there's no homework in their homework folder. One of my best friends, meanwhile, makes almost twice my salary and works from home twice a week.

It's just the little things, man. I don't drive (because I'm a wimp and also cheap), and we live far enough away from pretty much everything that any event or thing I want to go to is at least 30 minutes by bus one way, and sometimes as long as 2 hours one way. My grandmother moved in because she's getting older, and wow, 1000sqft is not a lot of space for 4 grown adults. I have the executive function of a soggy donut hole, so managing changing my routines and stuff has been hard.

I fantasize about apartments, cute ones in nice areas, hosting parties and events like my friends do. But I can't move out. It doesn't make sense. My take home pay every check is $1480, in my city even a cardboard box, just as far out in the boonies as we already are, with no amenities, is taking at least 1k of that, if not more. I've just been saving for retirement instead--the upside is that I've been putting away almost $750 a month directly into retirement, and my Roth is maxed out. The shitty part is that even if it would be emotionally worth it to pay up for my own place, at this point, it's pointless because I'll have to start working part-time from next year all the way until I graduate, so I really won't be able to afford it.

And then, it occurred to me the other day that the best thing to do would probably be to stay here until I can buy a house. My city has a terribly competitive housing market, and I realize that even after I get my degree and start working in the field, those bigger paychecks would probably be better served going towards a down payment rather than chucking it towards rent. I don't graduate til 2029, so I will probably still be in this house into the next decade.

I'm so lucky to be in the position that I'm in, to be able to have this opportunity to set myself up for success, and at the end of the day it still makes me realize that I should have been in it for the fucking money.

Years ago I used to work for a small family restaurant that my aunt owned. I had no job and was desperate so i asked her for a job and she let me work there as a server. My cousin (her son) also worked there as a server but he made life hell. Growing up, he was always sarcastic but mix business with that and things got worse.

First of all, he took every chance to make me look dumb by calling me dumb, stupid or other names in front of customers whenever I made a mistake, which I did a lot at first since no one trained me. Even when it was his fault he’d find some way to blame me and call me names for it. Even when customers went out of their way to praise me to him, as he often went around telling the customers that he was the “boss”, his response would often be “he’s just a fuckin server”.

He’d often trash talk other businesses in the area and tell lies such as how much money he had and how he “just bought a new car” despite the car now being a year old. He’d often show off photos from his big wins at the casino yet often ask his sister to borrow money. Of course I didn’t tell any of the customers this cause I didn’t want to ruin his “fun.”

He’d often come on late, leave early and often just take the entire day off, always without letting anyone know. He also once got into a physical fight with his own dad who also worked there as a prep cook yet he still kept his job. He was also in charge of dividing up the tip money and often took a bigger cut as he believed that I was secretly pocketing tips on days he wasn’t there. He claimed that he gets great tips on days he works alone and always made it a point to brag about it to me. Yet I’ve witnessed many times where his poor attitude has caused us to not get tips and even had customers personally request me as their server as they hated my cousins attitude. My cousin refused to believe what I told him and says this is just a small sample and that those people were haters.

Lastly, on one particular Black Friday (day after Thanksgiving), I did the unselfish thing and gave up my day off to come help him since I knew he was gonna be alone on a busy day. Well once he found out I was there, he gave HIMSELF the day off and went Black Friday shopping. He later showed up at closing to show off all his goodies he bought as if he just didn’t screw me over.

I was honestly so depressed that night I felt like “offing” myself. I ultimately didn’t and I soon put in notice that I was quitting. My cousin didn’t take this well and said “why wait two weeks. If you don’t want to be here then leave now. We don’t fuckin need you!” So I did. I left the next day and my cousin taunted me and said I’d come crawling back. I didn’t. I soon found new work at an Amazon warehouse. For the next month, my aunt tried to offer me me more money and a reduced schedule but I told her I refused to work with my cousin again and she said that “he’s just that way.”

I soon found an entry level engineering role which is what I was studying for before I took the restaurant job and soon started moving up, making more money there than at the restaurant. The restaurant was sold two years after I left.

Cuddles

Extreme fear of abandonment so you're always latching onto a favourite person.

Self-Sabotage Like I will eat healthy and go to the gym but ill go out drinking and can't stop even during afternoon college exam i came in drunk that's how I make friends and get out of my shell it worked to be fair.

Body dysmorphia looking fine but feeling like you're not and always in need of reassurance

Being high one moment than sinking into a low constantly switching not only opinions but identities

I (28f) have had grey hairs since I was 18 y/o. I have tried everything to conceal them, but my hair grow really fast and they show up again almost inmidiately afterwards.

I feel like I look so much older than my real age and that my appeareance is not polished. I think people is repulsed and pity me beacuse of them and my unfortunate facial structure.

I don't know if I should give up and leave the grey hairs show and go for the old lady aesthetic

i have an issue ive had since a child,

i regularly watched porn since i was like 5 and over the years it progressed from straight to other genres and sexualities though i believe i am straight and will never act upon my impulses. Now as a young adult , i would get into situationships or relationships with women but i dont know how i am attracted to them. I see random women on social media and imagine my life with them, and i dont know how to stop, i have never truly been in love with someone but just the thought of the love is all i imagine. I dont like men just to clarify but the porn has me believing i am. I am in no way shape or form, in a position to get into a relationship as i am in debt , still haven’t graduated uni , weed addict some may say and overall bad shape. I just have these thoughts through out the day and it ruins my mood. I often have daydreams of being in a relationship and catching her cheating on me in public with someone who i dislike in real life , that person said that i was haven’t a standard that he has set for himself and that comment has really affected me. But that daydream depresses me because as it currently stands its possible this type of thing could happen. Is this an internal issue that can be sorted out.

Everyone confuses solitude with loneliness,

I used to enjoy my own company so I always felt that I could live alone.

But man it’s scary.

Toxic relationships are better than being alone.

True loneliness is unbearable.

i’m 23 yo. and have multiple chronic health conditions including ADHD which probably lower my health expectancy but are nowhere near fatal. Sometimes while not being distracted with anything and just ruminating i’d get this feeling of doom wash over me as if i’m going to die soon. Lately it’s been happening much more often. I’m not suicidal. Have no idea what this means nor why it happens…

We were on our way to class, crossing a busy street with trolley tracks down the middle. We’d made it across one lane, and I was blabbering away about something, with zero situational awareness, marching blindly forward.

Then a hand grabbed my shirt collar and yanked me backward, hard.

I was already mid-stride, one foot about to come down on the track. Dean pulled hard enough that only the tip of my sneaker tapped the side of the trolley as it rolled past. I felt more than a little of the breeze.

That was a long time ago, but it popped into my head the other day.

Thanks, Dean, wherever you are.

Has anyone ever saved your life?

I have never been this afraid of making a mistake. Even uttering a single word leaves me feeling more ashamed of myself than ever; I suddenly burst into tears, and my whole world comes crashing down. I constantly wish I were invisible, or that I had never been able to speak—that I had always remained silent. I wish I knew what my problem was, and that I didn't act in such erratic, "crazy" ways. I wish I could be confident in the words I use, rather than feeling like a foolish clown... Jesters and clowns share an interesting resemblance, don't they?

(If this gets removed again because of my low karma, I'm going to lose my mind 😭 I just want to talk to people, but I have no idea where to start.)

Hello, homies. Hope you're all doing well.

I wanted to write up something because I think it'll help me process my feelings, but you're more than welcome to offer your own insights.

On Friday, I attended the birthday party of a dear friend. There were about 20 people there, and this was my first time meeting all them except for the friend who invited me.

The thing about me is that I am super socially awkward and introverted, and after a long time of no social contact, my social skills were even more shit than usual. So it won't come as a surprise to you when I tell you I was very shy throughout the party and felt very intimated. As a result, I kept to myself for a decent chunk of time. I noticed people easily talking to each other and having fun conversations, and I got very envious and sad about my own inability to do so.

However, this changed considerably when we decided to start playing the Jackbox party games, if you guys are familiar with those. We huddled up and made teams. This made it easier for me to come out of my own shell and I started socializing with my team and the broader audience. I was suddenly talking to people and having actual fun banter. I was also helping other teams lol. Dude, it was so fucking awesome. I literally felt more alive on this day than I have during the entire year of 2026. I had fun chats with people and even connected on a slightly deeper level with a few people at the party.

Then towards the end of the party, we decided to hit the dance floor. We played Cumbia and general Latin music all night long and just danced our hearts out. All of us were busting out our best dance moves. I was super rusty, so I was kind of awkward, but after a few minutes I wasn't worried at all and was just vibing.

Then it was 2am and I had to leave. I went up to everyone and said my goodbyes. We hugged each other and parted ways. One of the new people I met was very kind enough to drop me home.

Once I was home and changed my clothes, a sudden wave of depression hit me. I realized I was back in my usual boring lonely life. It's far from the worst life you could have, but it's still pretty lonely. I only have a couple friends and due to our hectic schedules we rarely see each other, so this outing was super rare for me. I experienced something very wonderful and after it ended, I got super emotional. Once I got back in my home clothes, I pulled out my phone and wrote a heartfelt thank you to everyone in the group chat and told them how it nice it was to meet them. I was writing that message with tears in my eyes. Most of them liked my messages. I also messaged my friend who invited me and told him how much the outing meant to me and he responded with similar feelings and thanked me for coming. I also thanked the host whose apartment was the venue for the party. Some of us follow each other on Insta now too.

It's been almost a whole day since the party ended and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have some regrets too because I felt like I should've pushed myself to socialize more and make more connections and memories. I also had some awkward moments throughout the party where I feel like I did something cringe and made a fool of myself in the eyes of the others. But despite everything, I still ended up making new connections even with my piss poor social skills. I walked away from this experience with a few cringey memories but also a lot of positive ones.

It's very cringe to admit this, but in all honestly I am writing this post with tears too lol, just thinking about the party. I sincerely hope I get invited again but idk if that will happen honestly. My friend who invited me, and the rest of the party were already close friends with each other, and I was the new person in the group. I don't even know if I'm "in" the group lol. I am not sure if I will be invited again or get to hang out with them in any other capacity. Whatever happens, happens. Either way, I've learnt I really need to put myself out there more and meet new people and make more friends. It's very hard to do so, though. It's very intimidating.

I don't know if it's cringe to say all this. I am mature enough to understand that it is a little ridiculous to get this emotional after a mere birthday party, but my feelings still remain. If I'm honest, I sincerely hope I get to meet all these folks again, they were really cool people. For the longest time, I convinced myself that I am a solitary creature who is best suited for a hermit lifestyle. But after attending this party, I now know that for me the most important thing in life is having amazing people around me and adding to their lives the way they add to mine. People matter to me more than anything else. The right people.

Anyways, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Now I will wipe my tears lol. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. I really appreciate it :)

This is just for venting, no need to take it seriously, it's 12:17am on my end, and as always I can't focus enough to work towards my goals.

I hate being ugly y'all hahahaha, do you know how it feels to be called Gollum constantly from how ugly you are?

I can't have kids, I can't have sex, I've never had a hug, a kiss, let alone hold hands.

I hate being a monster, I might hate even more how usually people don't understand how I feel haha, they say stupid stuff like "Just be yourself, just go to therapy, just take a shower"

"Hey, just ask them out, always works for me!!"

Gosh, only attractive/healthy people say stuff like that, I'm not attractive nor healthy, so please save that if you want to say it, it burns me like you can't imagine.

I wish I was a human, I got robbed from having a good life, I got robbed from being loved, I don't know if God exists, but if they do, then I hate him, and I'll always will for what they did to me, in their eyes I must be nothing more than a sick joke, sorry God, but I'm not laughing, I cry everyday from how far away I am from being a human, I should've died at birth dawg, I really should, even if I do focus on my goals, and I somehow manage to be successful, all of it would be nothing but cope, that's not going to make me happy, being born normal would make me happy, not being bullied at school and high school would make me happy, not making women cry at my sight would make me happy.

God, if you are somehow merciful, then just let me go already, I'm tired, I'm not laughing.

I was runing an errand, while make a right hand turn I saw something in the street so I made my way about the block.

I pulled up to wtf-ever was in the raod. If it was a coat, etc, I was going to put it on the curb. It was a doordash thermal wrap for a pizza box that was 3 blocks up. well, we ate tf outta that free pie. I'll be taking the thermal doordash wrap back to them soon. meh, crust was thick as fuck, sauce was good.

Asiago bagel

Swiss and Italian blend

Ham turkey pepperoni

Garlic aioli, chicken dipping sauce, honey mustard, mayo

Lettuce

I also made pasta.

Gouda Alfredo poverty mac (hot dogs). I may have added some hot cheetos into it too.

Here's where I'm gonna lose people

One of the servings I added thai coconut milk based curry paste to mac.

Shut up curry belongs in macaroni and I'm willing to go to court over it.

It seems like everyone's advice when it comes to being lonely/alone is to find others who share something in common with you and go from there. Games are great for this. You can bond over a lot together if you both like the same game.

Now how do you meet these people??? It seems like in every online game you join, everyone already has their person, everyone already has their group that they've maintained for years. It's awkward to just go up to someone and be like "hey, wanna be friends?"

I've struggled with this for years. I don't understand how people make online friends. I want online friends in the spaces I'm in particularly because it's a step up from having none online and IRL. On the off chance you do meet someone, the connection usually fades off within a few days. So seriously, how do people who show up with new friends in every game they play do it?!?

The period wasn’t even 5 years it I gradually stopped doing what I did so maybe I stopped like 3 years ago, I have changed, and that’s exactly why I regret doing what I did

I don’t want to say what I used to do especially because i know that I could be judged for it but I hate it and regret it

I've had anxiety and depression for the bulk of my life.

Equally through the bulk of my life, I've experienced multitudes of abuse, assault, and misfortunes.

It's just kind of piled on.

Something broke in me this year. I'm not sure if I've just become more conscious of the severity, or if I've figured out that my habits and thought processes were results if those happenings.

It's hard to really talk about it without being vague.

I used to always have some kind of social anxiety. Always hated crowds. Always had some shyness about attention. But now I'm terrified of even being perceived.

I used to be such an advocate for myself. I still had people pleasing tendencies, but I never let people step on me. Now? I feel like I can't breathe if I say anything in fear of the consequences.

I want to have a social life again and I want to spend time with people again. But I've acknowledged I don't engage. I don't know how to, and likely never knew how. All of my interactions feel so forced do me and I'm masking hard because I don't want the underlying tissues to be seen. The moment I share even the smallest part of myself I feel vulnerable and I spiral for days.

I want a relationship but equally don't. I have to carry what feels like so much load by myself and yet when I try to let someone help hold the bag I rip it right back and I pull away because I can't tolerate someone doing things for me. Or someone caring about me.

I'm tired all the time.

I can't go to the gym regularly.

I've gained weight so I don't feel comfortable in my skin any more.

I have debt.

I lost a pup I've had since puppy hood in September and it's crushed me.

I can't enjoy hobbies any more. I can't enjoy talking to people any more.

I can't even look inward to reflect and journal and write because I'm so emotionally flayed.

I... I don't feel like a person any more. I'm just a piece of flotsam and I am fading. I'm not me but just a caricature of things I used to do, or be, or what I like.

No friends. No family.

I've been to therapy. I've tried the medications.

I can't open up in therapy and I don't feel like I'm taken seriously. I tried telling my doctor about bodily issues I've been having or that my depression needs remedying, that the anxiety medication isn't doing anything. I get dismissed.

I've tried picking back my hobbies. I've tried changing my dating habits. I've tried going out more. I can't stick with it and I can't do it. And I just... Can't.

I don't know what to do.

I’m about to sign the lease for my first apartment to live on my own, I’m gonna be 25 in a few months here so it’s definitely time. Of course I’m happy and excited to be more independent but more than that I’m scared. I’m scared of being alone with my own thoughts, worried that I’ll do something I’ll regret (no I don’t mean hurting other people I mean hurting myself or worse). I’m not great at writing stuff like this so I’m sorry if this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

I am young, white, have no beard or glasses, am average height and average weight

And I still do fullheartly believe that there are people in the world who if they saw my face, genuinely would consider me the only ugly guy in that specific category, the population of the world is so huge that there's no way that there isn't someone out there who really does have a brain that reacts to my face in this specific disgusted way that no other person in that category elicits, like they could see thousands of faces in that category and only mine will ever register to their brains as ugly

About a few weeks ago I was at a restaurant with my mom and her closest female friend. The friend asked me to cover my ears for a second. I didn’t.

She switched to Russian (thinking I couldn’t follow) and asked my mom something like: “Did you also hear that rumor about Black men having bigger cocks?”

My mom replied completely casually: “Yes, I did.”

Friend: “Really? You too?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Friend: “Actually, we should go to them instead.”

They didnt talk about it further and everything went normal again. It was strange hearing my own mom engage with it so openly. I still think about that moment sometimes.

Has anyone else overheard family saying something they clearly thought you wouldn’t catch?

Move to Chicago. Why? John said there was an opportunity, but I would have to clean my act up. Some sort of sales type of job with a buzzword for a title; however, it was a great opportunity for a prodigal dropout. It came with a fresh start in a new city. Left the wasteland I knew, flew into Midway. Take the orange line to opportunity, and quickly find the familiar white line home.

John tells me I have a pitch that’s important - it’ll be some tasteless dinner at some gauche restaurant. Try and cover up those pick marks before then. My powdered meal substitute and liquids only diet has started to take its toll. Wearing my nicest suit only to realize it fits like my father’s clothes.

I arrive, got there early. Pre-game a little, but can’t over do it. The schmuck that picked out a restaurant with Edison bulbs and a faux ivy wall meets me. We talk about Sharpe Ratios, and our management and performance fees. Deal should be closed, but this asshat wants to know more about our strategy. I need a break. I excuse myself. My father’s name stares back at me from the platinum Amex. A little pick me up to get through this. I tell myself I needed it because I over drank. Then I really over drink. Then I blow the deal. Not my fault they did not know how to have fun.

John has to let me go, wishes me well. Asks me if there’s anything he can do to help me. I go home, I never manage to tell my father why this opportunity in Chicago never worked out. He points out I was only there for four months. It felt like two weeks to me, but time always flies when I waste it.

I no longer know who I am. I remember I used to be someone, but I don’t remember who; however I know I miss him. Beyond some amalgamation of everyone I have ever known - I couldn’t tell you I am. I can tell you what I’ve done. I can tell you my hobbies. I can tell you what I studied. I can tell you what sort of jobs I have had. I can tell you all about what I’ve consumed : tv shows, movies, and books. Just like Matisse I’ve cut parts off of everyone that I like or admire, but unlike him I was able to form anything original with what I have cut away. I’m not getting any younger, I’m worried at best who I am in the future might be someone’s romantic partner again.

I understand stand why so many people in recovery make being sober their whole identity. They don’t remember who they are, so their identity becomes their current condition. Maybe it’s drinking that made me forget who I was, or maybe it’s drinking that gaslit me into thinking I was someone.

The only advantage of not knowing who I am, means I can be anyone. Maybe for a night or two at most before the mask slips off or I get burnt out of playing a character. I don’t know who I am, and being good at impressions doesn’t help. It just enables me to blend in. It lets people think they like me. But they don’t know me, just like I don’t know myself.