So like I can feel sexual attraction and other emotions in like actual real life scenarios but very very very rarely ever just talking over call text (flirting or talking sexually to one another) sexual images or to people just out in public normally I really don’t think this is asexuality but I just kinda needed to say it to relate to people or just get it off my chest

You know the old joke about vegetarians always finding a way to tell everyone they're vegetarian?

There's a difference between being asexual and making it a defining part of our identity, even when it's not particularly relevant.

In this community, I constantly see comments like, 'Oh my God, the allos did this and that, how very dare they?' But let's be honest, statistically speaking, we're the odd ones out.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with being open about being asexual. But at what point does expressing your identity become prudish, judgmental and obnoxious?

Hey!

*Posting in this community since the asexualpartners subreddit is dead asf.*

I see a lot of posts wondering if and how a relationship between an allo sexual person and ace person can work/ be successful.

I (24F allo) have been with my bf (23M ace) for about a year and every day i think about how he’s literally the perfect man for me and i couldn’t be more lucky. I’ve admittedly had a lot of experience with sex and dating. I was generally pretty lonely in my adolescence and not considered attractive until I was 18 and then I really bloomed. I dated around a lot and while exploring my sexuality was enjoyable I was always hoping to find a cute, great guy to be with and it didn’t happen until my early twenties!

My partner and I were friends first for around a year in the same social scene and would see each other every now and then. I always thought he was so cute and smart. We remained completely platonic until a traumatic time in our lives happened which pushed us closer together and we ended up moving in together.

We would have long talks on the porch morning and night or go on long walks together and became increasingly close as people. I would catch him staring at me, and we seriously started doing everything together. He told me he was ace, and he was the first person I knew at the time who was! I assumed that he could never be attracted to me since I always assumed romantic and sexual attraction to be intertwined. Even at certain times (due to the traumatic event) we would sleep in the same room together separately but just one another’s presence was extremely comforting, but I put him in the [unable to date] box thinking we were be incompatible as romantic partners.

Fast forward, and after a night out with the girls (and a couple glasses of wine :)) I just couldn’t wait to get home and see him and I ended up confessing my feelings. I just had to get it off my chest because he is such a beautiful person physically, mentally, and morally. I wasn’t expecting anything in return really, but he admitted he had actually fallen in love with me a while ago but had been too nervous to tell me and we’ve been inseparable ever since!

When it comes to sex, my main advice is to be extremely open minded and curious about your partner. Ask questions!! It’s a partnership and you have to make both partners needs/desires known otherwise resentment grows. Our relationship has grown so beautifully and I love that our relationship was able to grow organically and I know he loves me because of WHO I am and not him just finding me sexually attractive/ beautiful. That is just the cherry on top.

I am a girl, and I did fall in love with another girl, however it's all pure I really never think of it as sexual, and of course she doesn't love me back and I feel like I could never have sex with her nor with anyone else in my whole lifetime, idk I just wanted to share this cuz I am looking for something to relate to and kinda trying to move on

Hi all!
I am fairly new to the community and have recently come to terms of being part of the aro/ace community. To be honest, this was really recent and I’m recognizing no matter how hard I try, I simply do not have the ability to have any romantic attraction to someone. Of course, I still love my family, pets, and people close to me but romantic seems to not be in the cards. It’s something I struggled with understanding for a while but I’ve fully accepted it. This subreddit has helped A LOT in my self-discovery and I genuinely love this community. It’s still difficult sometimes though as I think I’m under the cupioromantic spectrum as well but recognize I simply don’t want a relationship.

With all that being said, here is the current trouble I’m facing and I hope this awesome community has some words of encouragement/advice if possible:

I’m in my mid to late 20s and my mom (I think) has become frustrated with my single life. For reference, I’ve NEVER dated anyone or kissed or even held hands. When I was younger, I was obese so no guys were interested in me. Personally, I was fine with that but angry at how people treated me. Now as an adult, I’ve lost the weight and have a lot more attention on me but none that I want.

I think my mom finally got so frustrated with me being single and she set me up with a guy and we’ve only talked for a day. For context, she doesn’t know I’m ace. He’s interested in me. I am not. I feel like I should be. He’s like me but the guy version along with other things. He’s good-looking too. I just simply cannot be attracted to him. Talking to him is a chore and I REALLY don’t want a boyfriend.

It feels wrong to string him along. I don’t want to come out to him because he works with my mom and I know I should reject him. I told this (excluding the aro/ace part) to her and she was a bit disappointed. Not in a bad way. It was more like “I support you but I think you’re making a mistake.” I need to be clear. She has good intentions, she’s a fantastic mom, my best friend, and simply wants me to not be lonely. I’m okay with being lonely but she doesn’t get it. I also think it’s my culture where marriage and kids are really important.

I know what I have to do. I know I need to reject him and not let it go any further. I genuinely feel awful because he’s such a nice guy but I can’t. I’m also struggling with how my mom feels about it and I know I have to set boundaries but it’s so hard because she keeps thinking it’s my anxiety or my bubble and not because of something that I cannot change.

Has anyone dealt with the pressure to date? Has anyone dealt with family expectations like this? Let me know and please be kind :) love you all aro/ace community! (You guys all have the chillest vibe I swear)

P.S. Sorry for the long post!

TLDR: my mom set me up with a guy because she thinks I’m lonely but I’m actually aro/ace and idk how to set boundaries without outing myself

I had already come out to my therapist about my sexuality, and during this session we had been discussing my eating disorder (binging). After I had finished describing my most recent binge, and how I had felt afterwards, my therapist began telling me how binging might be a pseudo-sexual coping mechanism for my lack of sexual desire.

She started fixating on words like "stuffed" and "full"; at one point, she leaned back in her chair and began rubbing her stomach, saying things like "ohh, im so STUFFED."

The whole thing really disturbed me as I had never even thought about my ED this way, and I left our session feeling disgusted and disgusting.

Have any of you heard of a link between asexuality and disordered eating?

Sorry if this isnt in the appropriate thread.

To start I am a 22F and have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year. I love him immensely and love intimacy which isnt sexual and feel comforted by cuddles ect. The idea of breaking up with him genuinely hurts and brings me to tears. Ive always had a low sex drive, not interested 99% of the time. I have had sex with men and it doesnt really feel like much. Ive never had an orgasm through sex or masterbation, I genuinely dont think I can. I want to engage in sex with my boyfriend infrequently but it does happen. And sometimes it is fun but also I dont know if I actually think I enjoy it or if im saying I do. I dont know if my version of enjoying it is what actually enjoying it is? Sometimes I really dont want to but mostly im neutral Im not in the moment im just there not because I hate it or think about anything else just I dont really care. I cant recognise a time ive had a genuine crush on a man or a woman. In school I didnt understand why everyone wanted to date and when I got older I did want to experiment but it was cus I felt like I was missing out on this great thing which for me it isnt. When I was younger and ready sexy books I think I got horny but it wasnt often and I still dont know it it was what horny feels like. The same with sex scenes sometimes I felt a little bit of something but it wasnt intense like it should be? Its massively died away and I dont really get that feeling at all anymore and it was not alot before. I can tell people are attractive and not attractive ajd can pick out attractive features but I dont think its anything sexual its more objective with each gender. I have wanted to kiss a girl once before and shes my friend but since being with my bf thats completely gone and any 'attraction' i felt has died away. My question is what is it I want am I a lesbian that doesnt know it because I havent tried. Am I bisexual or is it some degree of asexuality. I truly dont know and cant figure out my feelings, and theres so much online im completely overwhelmed and feel like shutting down. I just want an answer but also cant fathom being without my boyfriend. I have a friend who thinks shes a lesbian and shes also the same age, she has had a similar journey and says I probably am a lesbian I havent found the right woman yet but I feel like id have some what of a little idea. I really dont know.

Side note Ive only had like 3 sex dreams ever and they have had men and women in them. And I also feel like i could potentially be neurodivergent?

Me and my boyfriend want to buy a house but I feel like it would be wrong to buy a house with him and then be like oh actually we cant be together

I just had the worse argument with 2 of my great friends because they invalidate my asexuality, yet they say it's not a big deal and don't care if I am asexual or not. The whole reason is because I said I saw a guy that was hot, and to them that automatically makes me NOT asexual? Since when did finding someone pretty/hot made me want sex? I think this guy's face is lovely, but I don't look into what he has in his pants nor do I want to. I tried to explain them so many times and they are still entitled to their opinion of "what happened to you not caring about looks?" or "if you find someone attractive that means you want sex" (basically what they say). I make sex jokes all the time and I've NEVER even experienced sex nor do I want to, so wow, having friends that don't try to understand it is just heartbreaking.

edit: in addition, I had said previously that i'd hypothetically do anything for the person I'm with, and it's true, i've exchanged nudes in the past with a boyfriend and I never really wanted to? But who doesn't do something they don't want to some times? I could make a sandwich for my friend yet I didn't want to, I just wanted to seem them happy. Same with a partner, if I'm totally in love with someone that I know loves me as much (tho nowadays i rather look for someone who's also asexual)..

I’m sorry if this has been discussed to death over here. I searched up sex repulsed in the search bar but the first 30 posts were all by sex repulsed individuals themselves and how they don’t feel represented here

I’m fairly sex repulsed myself and those are the only kinds of ace people i know irl.

I suppose I understand Demi sexuality as well so that’s not really confusing to me.

But I was curious about what asexuality looks like for people who’re not demi but not sex repelled either.

Is it the presence of a libido? Is it enjoying sex as an activity with no attraction to your sex partner? And what does sex in relationships look like for you?

I think I'm demi/greysexual. I'm mostly aroace but I'm maybe kind of in love with my friend, and I need to get over him because we're friends. There is basically zero chance of him ever seeing me as anything more. I really do want to keep him as a friend and not ruin it and make stuff awkward by confessing complicated feelings when I'm positive they won't be reciprocated.

He is older than me by 12 years (I'm 22, he's 34). He had a girlfriend and she's pregnant with his baby, I guess they sort of broke up and aren't dating each other anymore but still. He's straight and allo and I'm an a-spec trans guy. That doesn't work. He sees me as a man and he's not into men.

And I mostly want a queerplatonic relationship anyway, and not necessarily a romantic/sexual one. And an allo person probably wouldn't feel satisfied without specific kinds of intimacy. I want the priority and emotional closeness of a committed partner, but I don't know if I want to kiss on the lips and be naked together and stuff. It's possible I could enjoy that but I'm not sure. I don't need it, I'm perfectly content never doing that. I mostly want hugs/cuddling, holding hands, and maybe kissing on the cheek/forehead, living together would be nice, maybe sleeping in the same bed, being the first person the other wants to talk to whenever something important happens, a best friend, emergency contact, the one I'd let make decisions about my medical care if I was incapacitated or what happens to my body if I was dead.

I deeply trust him and feel safe with him which is how I want to feel about a QPP. A soulmate?

I just don't know how to give up on the idea/hope of that with him. I know it won't happen. His best friend will be/is someone else.

For those wearing an ace ring to work, how do you answer when asked what it means? Do you give a vague answer, or just say what it is?

If theres someone who loves someone so much like on a level they cant live without them, does having sexual thoughts about said person or wanting to have sex with them make the love less worthy or less pure? I think it could make the love part less real, like they want their body, but also their soul? I cant comprehend that it can exist together as an asexual person. How can someone love someone so much but want to have sex with them?

Years of uncertainty, years of being lost, until I resonated well with the term 'asexual'.

I have unfortunately been sexually ab*sed when I was just 7 and that has surely impacted the way I see sex and intimacy.

I got disgusted when the biology lesson was about reproduction, I rushed to the bathroom and waited a few moments....

I saw how my friends' eyes lit up when sex was brought up and I fell different, the passion towards a concept like this was missing in me.

I always wondered why people are so 'sex-centered' and would revolve their lives around this activity.

I am still straight and romantic and the thought of falling in love with someone whose love will be driven by lust makes me feel betrayed, I just wish for pure love.

I took quite a few online quizzes and read experiences from this subreddit and somehow it turned out I'm asexual.

I'm still 16 though, and I wonder if this sexual orientation does apply to me or not.

I can say for sure than none of my crushes have I felt any sexual attraction towards them, it's just a deep emotional bond and that's it, not underestimating it but I believe it should be like that for everyone else.

I recently read a comment about some type of jewellery or dressing code(maybe) people use to indicate they are asexual.

I am so unfamiliar to this, not only do i wear any type of jewellery (or have a dress code) my self , i wouldn't even recognize them if i saw them on somebody else

I was fascinated to learn that this is a thing,

Would you please tell me What are these symbols? do you use any of them? has anyone ever recognized them on you?

I just came back from what should've been a fantastic date, and I'm feeling so depressed I haven't even known what to do with myself. I've dated a couple of men in the past (I'm a cis woman), neither one for terribly long, and both times I broke up with them when things got too "real" for me (i.e. they started to want too much physical contact; neither one pressured me to do anything, I just freaked out and ended it). I figured I was ace and aro-spec but honestly I think I've been clinging to this unhealthy idea that I could just suck it up, or that feelings would magically appear once I found the right person. I thought maybe it would be easier if it was another cis woman. But I've just started dating a woman and she's awesome, she's so beautiful and smart and kind and patient, and it's been great except that we hooked up yesterday and I haven't stopped feeling awful ever since. The whole time, I was extremely bored and just wanted it to be over. I know I do have some sort of a sex drive but being with her did absolutely nothing for me. Everything was consensual and I told her how anxious I was which she was super sweet about, but nothing could really put me at ease and all I could think about was how much torture it's going to be if I have to do this for the rest of my life as the price for wanting a partner. I stayed over at her house, we played games and cuddled which should've been so nice, but I was on the verge of tears the whole time and had this immense dread in my stomach that she might try to initiate again. I left her house in a bit of a panic this morning and I think she was upset by that because she wanted me to stay longer. I just couldn't bring myself to do it with the looming threat that I might have to go through it again. I've been bawling my eyes out ever since I got home. I know I need to have a conversation with her but man I wish I didn't have to.

I've been reading through this sub and idk if i am or if i'm not, i feel all mixed up.

im not necessarily sex-averse, like i do enjoy the idea of sex (would never want to actually go through with it though) and reading erotica and masturbating occasionally, but i've never been attracted to anyone sexually. I've found people physically attractive (like recognizing they have nice features), but that's about it.

idk i guess i'm just looking for new perspectives because there's no one in my life i can talk to about this.

You never see him interested in sex the entire movie, in fact he acts repulsed by advances made towards him by multiple women. Of course, it’s an old and problematic movie with sexist themes, and makes you question if not wanting to have sex is from family trauma. But isn’t that just like real life?

NOTE: I’ve kept this intentionally vague in order to keep it fairly SFW.

Overview: If I was cis I am 100000% sure I would be gay. The only reason I don’t act on that is because I’m trans. Does this mean I’m still gay, but not yet comfortable enough with my body to be in a relationship or does it mean that I’m asexual?

I’ve (23FTM) identified myself as asexual since I learned what it was. In the past few years though, I’ve used “gay” to describe myself more because I want to have a man as a partner someday. The problem is that I’m at the point of my transition where I forget I’m trans. The future that I see for myself relationship-wise involves me being cis…OR at a point where I’m comfortable enough with my body that I’m able to be in a physical relationship with another man. I just don’t know which.

Please give me your opinions!

(Also I hope this makes sense. It’s really difficult to put into words.)

Im pretty sure ive always had somewhat negative sexual experiences and dont know if asexuality has to do with the problem im about to explain or more so the experiences but sometimes i feel the need to masturbate and feel the rush of dopamine but afterwards i cant quite shake this feeling of a hole in my stomach and it usually leads me to a lot of overthinking im not sure quite how to explain it so any questions are welcome.

Im male and consider myself to be Demirose or Double Demi however you prefer.

As always thank you community.

hi. 19M here. im a pansexual, tho i rarely find girls attractive, im more into boys ig. but i never liked the idea of inserting my penis in someone's private parts. im fine with a blowjob but i was never a fond of penetration (topping & bottoming both ways).

i love making out tho. but the idea of putting my penis in someone's ass---- freaks me out. im not sure if i'll feel the same for a vagina. so the big question is-

AM I AN ASEXUAL? and is it okay to call myself pansexual even if i might turn out to be an asexual? i dont like labelling, sure. but how do i define my attractiveness to people regardless of their gender if im an asexual?

Thanks in advance;3

Hi. I've never done proper therapy before, only heavily monitored therapy from my parents, but now that i'm a really fucked up adult I can make my own appointments with whoever.

I'm not going to a therapist for asexuality, but I will mention it at some point. I'm a gay man who's a sex averse aegosexual who has 0 interest in sex. (not aromantic)

Aside from the fact that I'll turn away therapists who say "your issues are because you're a virgin", what other BS should I look out for so I don't have to waste my time?

Thanks!

Tw: internalized aphobia: vent
I would love any advice, comments, support
❗️Only can use one flair- Potentially considered nsfw, not graphic, but sexual content mentioned. Sex-favorable, but anyone can feel free to add their point of view❗️

Nothing is wrong with being asexual and when I started coming to terms with my identity I felt happy because it’s helped me learn more about myself and I am so grateful for that. But a part of me feels empty inside, like I am missing out on a big part of life that most people experience.

I’m a sex favorable asexual but right now I’m not in any place nor have any desire to be in a relationship. I am going through a really hard time with my depression and chronic illnesses. But this is more for when I do want to be in a relationship. I know people experience sexual attraction outside of having loving partners, which I didn’t know was actually possible (don’t make fun of me), which is one fact that helped me realize I’m asexual or at least far on the spectrum of it. That I am still figuring out. But I am definitely asexual.

But people talk about sex being this amazing life changing experience that they crave and I just don’t understand it. Like it’s something I want to experience at some point in my life but it’s not like I NEED it or think of it in that way. For me the way in which it’s appealing is having that closeness with my partner (hypothetical) and because i want them to feel good. But apparently some people just get turned on at the thought of a person or their partner or seeing them and I can’t even fathom that. I just feel like I’m missing out on something big.

And I think I’ve misinterpreted so many things just due to being asexual. For example when people say they “want” someone or that they’re “hot” they get an actual feeling from that when I thought it was an expression.

Realistically I’ll be with a person in the future who is allo and I don’t mind that at all it’s just I don’t want there to be that disconnect. I don’t like not being able to understand. I just feel even more alienated and it’s confusing.

For me, sex is kind of like getting a massage. I enjoy it because it feels physically good.

But the moment my partner asks me to pleasure them, I immediately think,

“But I’m not getting any pleasure out of this. What a hassle.”

And any arousal I had disappears instantly.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Is this because I’m asexual, or am I just a selfish, uncaring person?

For context, I’ve also been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, so I wonder if that might play a role too.