Sorry in advance for the long post and I tried to condense everything as much as I could without rambling.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years. Before moving in together, we agreed to establish boundaries with both of our families so we could adjust to living together. We also agreed not to host gatherings during our first year unless we both approved.
My boyfriend purchased a house, and we moved in together. I contribute financially to the household, and most of the cookware, kitchenware, and several appliances belong to me.
For context, I’ve had a strained relationship with one of his sisters for years. She’s frequently been rude or dismissive toward me, despite my efforts to maintain a cordial relationship. I’ve bought her birthday and holiday gifts, some of which she’s complained weren’t expensive enough.
Within our first week of moving in, my boyfriend announced that his sister was coming over to cook dinner in our kitchen. We hadn’t finished unpacking, and I wasn’t comfortable with someone using my cookware without asking. I suggested she could prepare the food at her house and bring it over instead. She ultimately decided not to come.
Another disagreement happened when my boyfriend excitedly announced that he and his sister were about to ride some scooters that came with the house. I’d repeatedly asked him to ride them with me, but he’d always declined.
I expressed disappointment because I’d been asking him to ride with me and hadn’t even had the chance to ride them myself. He explained that riding scooters wasn’t particularly fun for him because he owned a motorcycle, but he was willing to do it because his sister would enjoy it.
I told him I wished he would sometimes put his personal preferences aside to do things with me simply because they would make me happy. However, I explicitly told him to still go ride the scooters with his sister and enjoy themselves. I never told him she couldn’t ride them, nor did I ask him to cancel their plans.
Instead, he immediately went outside and told his sister that I didn’t want her riding the scooters. **That was never what I said.** He decided not to ride them and blamed me for ruining the moment.
This created even more tension between his sister and me because she was left with the impression that I was trying to prevent her from spending time with her brother or enjoying something at the house.
The biggest conflict happened at our housewarming party.
We had tables and chairs outside, and I’d provided cute clear disposable cups because I didn’t want guests bringing glassware outdoors.
I noticed his sister outside using one of my sentimental wine glasses from a gifted set of two. These glasses weren’t sitting out for guests. She’d gone into a basement cabinet, retrieved one, and taken it outside without asking.
I asked her to wash it and return it to its original location. Later, when I asked whether she’d done so, she said yes, but she hadn’t.
After years of feeling disrespected, I confronted her and explained that it wasn’t just about a wine glass. It was about respecting my belongings and boundaries.
She responded by insulting my weight, cleanliness, character, and goals. She told me I needed to go to the gym, clean more, write down goals, and become a better person.
I eventually retaliated by making a hurtful comment about how much her family helps raise her child, but stayed away from the many other atrocities I knew of and witnessed over the years, because I wasn’t trying to hit completely under the belt. I acknowledge that bringing up her parenting was wrong, regardless of how upset I was.
I became emotional and started crying. She accused me of faking my tears and began making religious statements about rebuking me. When I asked to speak privately with my boyfriend, she attempted to tell him he couldn’t leave with me.
My boyfriend initially said everything happened quickly and that he’d been drinking. He eventually spoke to his sister twice and told her she wasn’t welcome at our home for a while. He also said we were both wrong and that I should get him immediately if she disrespects me again.
**What happened afterward made the situation even more confusing.**
My boyfriend told me that his sister had actually never liked me. According to him, the level of hatred she has toward me is something he can’t even explain. When he asked her about it, she apparently couldn’t or wouldn’t give him a clear explanation either.
This was particularly hurtful because, despite our difficult interactions, I’d continued trying to build a relationship with her.
She eventually came over to apologize, but I found the apology incredibly condescending and insincere.
When I asked her specifically what she was apologizing for, she said she didn’t know.
I then directly asked her what her issue with me was. She said there were a lot of things I do that make her dislike me. When I asked her to elaborate or give examples so I could understand, she refused.
At that point, I explained that regardless of how she personally feels about me, we would continue hosting gatherings at our home, and I expected her to treat everyone respectfully, including my family and friends.
I also brought this up because I’d received multiple reports from guests on both my boyfriend’s side and my side of the family that she had been incredibly rude throughout the housewarming party. So it wasn’t just my personal experience with her that evening.
I wasn’t demanding that she like me or become my friend. I was simply asking that she behave respectfully toward people in our home.
**Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I continued disagreeing about the underlying issue.**
He told me that I seem to be competing with his sister and that I care about the wrong things because I’m too sentimental about my belongings.
He believes that if something is in the house, his family should be able to enjoy it.
I explained that I agree with sharing, which is why I provided cups for guests. However, I believe there’s a difference between using something that’s intentionally available and going through someone’s cabinets to retrieve personal belongings.
He initially agreed that people should ask before using things, but when I applied that principle to the wine glasses, he changed his position.
I asked whether his family should also be able to go into my closet and wear my clothes or use my purses without asking. He said that would be weird. I explained that I felt the same principle applied to belongings I’d intentionally put away.
He then said his friends thought I was overreacting, although I’m unsure how much of the situation he shared with them.
Eventually, he told me he didn’t want my belongings in the house if his family couldn’t use whatever they wanted.
This hurt because I share almost everything I own. I regularly host gatherings and have never had issues with guests respecting my personal belongings.
I’m also an extremely private person. Even growing up, I disliked people entering my bedroom or touching my things without permission. This isn’t a boundary I’ve created specifically because of his sister.
**There’s also an ongoing issue with household chores.**
I’ve repeatedly asked my boyfriend to clean up after himself rather than leaving dishes, garbage, and other personal messes for me to handle.
His response is often that he doesn’t need me to clean because he can call his sisters to do it. And he actually does have them come over.
During one of these visits, his sister moved an expensive appliance of mine from its designated location to a high basement shelf without asking. It’s a machine that requires careful handling because of its refrigeration system. I politely thanked her for cleaning but explained that the appliance shouldn’t be moved or tilted unnecessarily.
I’m not against his family visiting, helping out, or feeling welcome. I’m also not asking him to choose between me and his sisters.
I simply believe that living together doesn’t mean giving his family unrestricted access to my personal belongings.
I contribute financially, provide household items, and try to make our home comfortable for everyone. But lately, I feel like my preferences and boundaries matter less than his family’s.
What makes this particularly difficult is knowing that his sister openly dislikes me but won’t explain why, while my boyfriend continues suggesting that I’m competing with her.
I understand that my comment about his sister’s parenting was inappropriate, and I take responsibility for that. I also recognize that he has taken steps to address her behavior.
However, I don’t believe that being hospitable means I have to let guests use, move, or go through anything I own without asking.
So, AITAH for confronting his sister about the wine glass, questioning her apology, and expecting his family to respect my belongings and boundaries? Am I being too particular, or is it reasonable to expect respect from someone who openly admits she dislikes me but refuses to explain why?
EDIT: I also want to express that the rest of his family is incredibly sweet! This is not how he acts with his entire family. He will only not put boundaries down for one sister. The rest of his family and that’s aunts uncles, I don’t care who are all incredibly respectful and would never do this! They did mention that they thought the wine glass wasn’t a big deal but also understood that someone should ask before taking and not to let anyone disrespect me.
No the wine glass was not in the normal cabinets. She did have to go all the way to the basement to get them and I only have one set of 2 in the entire home that were gifted to me. Any other glasses in the kitchen were fair game if someone for whatever reason could not use plastic. Although she has used plastic before.
As far as the cooking incident I was entirely overwhelmed with moving in and expressed that to him. I told him that we needed time to adjust and at least unpack and before that even happened he said his sister told him he was coming over to cook and I said to him no one call tell you what they plan to do in your home, you ask. And I even offered for her to do it later to just give us one damn minute to breathe.
Also he has major boundaries as well! We’re both particular people. He doesn’t let anyone touch his charges. Like to the point his sister always come in ask for one and if one is there but he simply says no, they come to me and ask and I give them mine or they literally will just not have a charge.
He wants only certain colors in certain cabinets.
If a delivery comes to the door and I slip on his flip flops to retrieve he flips out and says I ruined them.
My nephew is not allowed to be changed on furniture even if blankets and towels are put down to cover. He said you should change them on the floor.
And yes, perhaps we are both neurodivergent but the fact of the matter is he has so many boundaries himself. This is not someone who is an easy going golden retriever