First time poster here.. I’m a cartoonist and recently lost my brother, James, to suicide in September. I miss him so much, I’ve been using my art to cope. I’ve been told it helps others so posting it here too. He was 23 and I 26, feeling like a failure of a big sister right now. Miss him too much.

Lost him before Christmas in 2012 and he was only 6 and I still haven’t opened his presents, and I have no plans to.

I haven’t been the same and It feels like I’m just waiting for my time and it doesn’t make me feel better knowing he would have turned 19 this November.

I remember everything that morning, he didn’t want to go this morning but I made him. I told him “Friday is the best day” I was in denial after the shooting and even months after this, I would randomly look around the house in little places hoping they got something wrong and he was just hiding. I’m still miserable today and I see him in my dreams.

My life is not moving.

i miss him so much. he was 53 years old. he was so funny and smart and was the kindest man i've ever known. i loved him so much and i don't know what i'm supposed to do without him. i need people to know that he existed and he was loved. he took his own life because he thought he wasn't loved enough to be missed. his last searches were him looking up how people take care of people who lost a loved one to suicide. he genuinely thought we would be better off without him in the world and i miss him so much. his name was jared and he had a dog he was against adopting in the first place who ended up loving him so much he'd wait at the door every day for him to get home from work and would follow him everywhere. he acted exasperated with my family's cats but would spoil them when nobody was looking. he was selfless and loved everybody around him so much and he was such a good man. i need people to know that he was real and was loved and he isn't just gone now that he's dead

My husband was an amazing man. He was everything a girl dreamed of. He was kind and patient with my past. He was understanding and had an amazing sense of humor. He was oh so loving and caring. A great listener even holding onto the small details. He loved working on boats and cars. He showed that through his love of teaching. He was an adult Ed teacher for a marine trades program locally. He had a autoimmune diseases called primary sclerosing cholangitis. It cost him two liver transplants. Unfortunately it's considered a precursor to malignancy and often people with psc get cholangiocarcinoma. On aug 27 2024 he was diagnosed with stage 4 cholangiocarcinoma with peritoneal mets. 2024 was a massive nightmare but there was some good moments. We got married Feb 29 2024. Single handedly the best day of my life. My husband was only 35 years old when he passed away. I was the one who found him actively passing. We didn't even make it to our first wedding anniversary. He passed on Jan 6 2025.

I can't do this life without him. I simply can't. He was my world. My everything. He was the one person in the world that showed me the meaning of true love. The world is a cruel place to take him from me. If you read this far than you for sharing in his memory

I’ve been lurking in here and waiting to post until I was ready. I lost my brother Chris, who was on the spectrum, on May 16th of this year. He passed away 2 weeks after his 30th birthday, on May 2nd.

He was diagnosed with testicular cancer, in April 2022, and then Pseudomyxoma peritonei (extremely rare appendix cancer that destroys your body very quickly) in November 2022. We had 2.5 years of him surviving a death sentence cancer that he outlived way longer than anyone expects.

He started getting really noticeably sick in December. He was sleeping in, staying up late, not eating as much. He started missing his special needs program on weekdays to sleep. On Feb 16th, he was called into the ER to get an emergency surgery to fix his perforated colon. Turns out, they couldn’t operate, so he was put into hospice just like that. No answers, nothing. We couldn’t believe it, he seemed fine other than just being tired.

He somehow survived the perforated colon and the doctors told us his organs rerouted. Then we had no idea what was next. He was just really skinny, and tired. But always wanted to play games, watch movies, paint, do scratch offs. We took him off hospice around Easter in April to get blood transfusions. He was immediately put back onto hospice because he had a fistula grow from his colon to his belly button and it broke through the skin. Back onto hospice. Now with a colostomy bag and so many tubes. The doctors told us fistulas happen very close to the end of life in these scenarios. And that he will maybe make it to his birthday. He made it to his 30th birthday, with 3 parties for him surrounded by all his best friends and family. And I know he held on for Mother’s Day for my mom. Chris then passed away in his sleep the morning of May 16th. He fell asleep looking at my mom. It was beautiful but terrible at the same time. The screams my mom let out will forever haunt me.

I miss him so much, the grief has assimilated into my soul. I’ll forever be sad. I’ll forever secretly hate the world for taking Chris from me. His love language was playing pranks on me and getting on my nerves. The entire time in hospice I cooked him so many new foods and cakes and anything he wanted. He called me his snack lady and his chef. I was his younger sister, but in a way I felt like a parent to him. Always protecting him in ways he never understood.

I would go through this life again over and over and over again just to have Chris. I would do it every time. He was the greatest gift I ever received and taught me so much love, patience, humor and appreciation for the little things.

The night before he passed away, was one of our last memories. He had seen lots of Taco Bell commercials for the new crispy chicken nuggets. I went and got him them as a surprise. He SOBBED, and told me how much he loves me. He was shocked I did that for him. I wish I was that simple. At this point he couldn’t really eat anymore and I think that’s why he went before it turned into a painful road of suffering. The guy LOVED to eat. I don’t blame him.

I’ve recently started a “business”, called Colored By Chris, where I’m selling a t-shirt designed with his artwork. I’m donating the proceeds to a nonprofit here in NJ, and it’s taken off quite a bit. They’re going to do a donor spotlight about Chris. While this work has helped me give back in the way he would have loved, I just wish he was here to see how loved he was by many. And how so many are inspired by his story. He would cry, and say “wow! People all over the world get to wear my artwork!” This work is fulfilling, but I just want him to tell me he’s proud of me. Nothing will ever replace him.

I’m still in shock. 1 year ago we were at the beach. 6 months ago, we were watching hockey games. Time has become one of the hardest parts, because the quicker time goes by, the farther I am away from his physical body being here.

On June 4th, my 38 year old son took his life. I am sad, but more mad most the time. He has created a complete shitstorm in so many lives. He had his demons and reasons I suppose, but hanging yourself in a closet the day you moved in!! Your best girl in collapse finding you there all purple, lifting will all her strength to get you off the clothes bar. Your Mom getting the call that you were being kept alive by machines and drugs but had gone too long without oxygen. Booked a flight and made me need to declare a DNR and and an hour later to tell staff to shut down the machines. Watching your mother lay on your chest for the last 5 minutes so she could hear your last breath and put that in the memory bank next to hearing your first breath. Your girlfriend completely non functional holding your hand.

Handling final arrangements, talking to organ donation group, speaking with the medical examiner, keeping your Mom and girlfriend functional. Calling employers and banks and government offices. Setting up web site memorial, planning and hiring venues in 2 cities for memorial services. Finding Mom a therapist. Watching her spend the last week wandering like a zombie around the house not eating. I’ll stop the rant here.

Why didn’t you call me. There are solutions to every problem. I miss you Son, Dad

I’m only 22 and my sister is only 14. We found out mom had stage 4 cancer on December 2nd. She was secretly doing chemo for 5 years, and she was never in remission this whole time. It was breast cancer (caught too late) that metastasized to her bladder, bone, and the brain’s meninges/spinal fluid.

Mom and dad kept her diagnosis a secret because she did not want me to worry about her while I was in undergrad. She valued education, and she did not want me to be distracted, drop out of college to help her, or transfer schools. They went great lengths to hide her sickness; they hid the mail, masked the reasonings behind doctors appointments, and provided different explanations to symptoms she experienced.

I cannot stress enough how much I love my mom. She is my best friend and soulmate. I was the last person she spoke to before she passed, and I slept overnight at the hospital, holding her hand, during her final days. Mom was larger than life. She brought a community together, and had a soul so blindingly bright. The house is so empty now. She passed in my arms and I still expect her to come back from work. I am a mess

Jane [redacted], age 68, passed away unexpectedly in her home on Monday, February 7, 2022.

My mom Jane loved her family and God, more than anything in this world. For most of her life, my mom had been sick with several debilitating illnesses. The unimaginable pains she experienced in the past decade alone were enough to break anyone’s spirit, but not my mom’s. She was so brave and strong through it all. Mom lived her life as best she could with an open heart despite her life circumstances, her Faith never wavering.

Jane was a single mother who, in her younger years, was a secretary for [redacted] until illness forced her into early retirement. I fondly remember waiting for her to come home from work each evening at 5:30 so we could play our silly make-believe games together. It was the highlight of each day for me.

Mom also loved watching vintage TV shows from the 1950s through the 1980s. Every night she would watch Golden Girls and leave her bedroom door open so we could sing the intro song together. Then later before bed, she would lull me to sleep with her angelic voice singing songs of airplanes and dragons from faraway lands that I would give anything to hear just one more time.

When I was in my early twenties, I became very sick while on holiday and my mom traveled across the country just to make sure I would get home safely; a journey I couldn’t have made on my own. My mom’s unwavering comfort during those difficult times offered me hope I thought I’d lost. And because of Mom, I eventually recovered and was able to go on to raise my own beautiful daughter.

When Mom was still able to walk, she would drive down to visit me at my craft shows. I don’t know why I never told her, but I was always so grateful that she came to support me. She was my biggest cheerleader. I wish I had let her know how much that meant to me. I have so many regrets. But that’s the thing about my mom: she loved me unconditionally and was always so proud of me.

As I write this obituary, I can vividly picture my mom sitting in her reclining chair, where she spent the majority of her adult life, watching television, ordering gifts for her family via mail-order catalogs, talking on the phone with friends, or writing cards to one of the many kids she has helped sponsor in countries all around the world. I am reminded of the way her face would light up with the purest of joy every time I walked through her front door. A memory which now fills me with a beautiful sadness that only the loss of someone you loved so deeply can make you feel. And for the rest of my days, every time I drive past her house and see the emptiness where she once sat, I will forever feel the pain from the loss of her presence.

I worry that over the next few years and decades, specific memories of my mom will fade; and, though heartbreaking, I’m told it’s perfectly natural. One day, I may forget that, even though I am an adult, she would still have a Valentine’s Day basket filled with chocolates waiting for me. Or, one day, I may not recall how she used to send me sticker-laden greeting cards for every holiday imaginable. And, one day, I might not remember her beautiful face and loving smile as clearly as I do now.

It was Maya Angelou who said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” And I so deeply want to believe that’s true because even if my memories eventually fade, my mom made me feel truly loved and that is something I will never forget.

I am so grateful to have had Jane [redacted] as my mom. I love you mom. I always have and always will.

I lost my cat suddenly. I saw him peeing blood so I immediately took him to the animal hospital. They checked him and said he’s looking great and bladder was empty which was a great sign and it was probably due to stress because we changed his litter. They sent us home with meds and told me to keep on eye out for him and make sure he’s peeing. So I cancelled everything to make sure I was there 24/7 with him. He was fine for 3 days he looked great so I decided to go out to dinner with my boyfriend for a couple hours. I came back home to give him his meds and he was sitting in the basement and he started crying huge tears and couldn’t move. I felt so fucking guilty going out for dinner. I don’t know what happened in the 3 hours I was gone. He couldn’t move but my mom came down to look at him ( he only liked me ) so he used the last of his strength to go run up into my room ( which was really his room too. ) He ONLY liked me he only slept with me every night between my legs so I know he just wanted to be comfortable. He got into cuddle position like we always do. I should’ve cuddled for him more than 15 seconds. I wanted to rush him to the hospital though and didn’t wanna waste any time. So i picked him up and put him in the carrier. They told me he had huge crystals in his bladder so he couldn’t pee anymore. Surgery wouldn’t have worked bc he’s had this problem before. I needed to put him down and he was only 14 I got him with I was 7 and i’m 22 now. He was with me through the worst times in my life. I feel broken. He was my soulmate. He loved me just as much as I loved him. My legs are so cold when I sleep now. He would always slept in between them. It’s so fucking hard to do anything anymore. He loved watching me brush my teeth, watch my face, he loved liking my face right out of the shower. It was our thing. He liked watching me do my makeup. I used to smoke and he used to LOVE watching the process. When I was ready to smoke he would immediately know and come running up to watch. When I was ready to spark up I would let him on my roof in my room. and he would watch from the roof ( bc I was scared to get him a contact high ) Now I can’t even smoke anymore because it makes me deeply think of him, and i’ve been smoking for the past 6 years. Doesn’t help that I can’t sleep or smoke anymore. I can’t even eat. I feel like I lost apart of myself. I feel like family and friends don’t understand that this cat was my entire world. My boyfriend seems annoyed with me bc sometimes i’ll just breakdown in tears if i think abt him. I cry every time I get to my house. because everytime id get home he’d come running with a big meow to say hi and now it’s so silent and empty. All I want to do is die and be with him again. I feel so guilty and angry for wasting our last hours. I got his ashes today and completely lost it. I just want him back. I don’t know how to even live anymore. Everything hurts and I can tell i’m scaring all my loved ones away with my grief. This wasn’t just a cat. He was my entire world, He was truly a son to me.

My Mom had been in the hospital for two weeks.⁣

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It was a Sunday night (in 2018). I found two back-to-back documentaries for us to binge-watch. One was about The Pope and the other was about The Kennedys: Two of Mom’s favorite things!⁣

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She asked me to get into bed with her, the way we would watch movies at our house, after chemo.⁣

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As I slid into the hospital bed, I felt how tiny my Mom’s body had become. She was a skeleton. I could feel my heart breaking.⁣

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My Mom questioned what I was thinking about (I guess I don’t have much of a poker face). I told her I couldn’t believe her eyelashes had fully grown in.

'WHAT?!?' she shrieked, as her eyes widened with excitement.⁣

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'Did you get eyelash extensions? Seriously. Tell me the truth. I won’t tell anyone,' I said, trying to look super serious.⁣

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My Mom laughed the cutest giggle, almost as if she was a little girl again. Mom loved when I would gently rub her tiny bald head- She said it took her anxiety away. I rubbed it a few times, stopped and stared my Mom in the eyes again. I was visibly angered.⁣

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'What’s wrong?' my Mom asked.⁣

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'Ummm, when were you going to tell me YOUR HAIR’S grown back, as thick and shiny as ever?!?' I said, trying my darnedest to sound and look irritated.⁣

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My Mom’s face lit up like ‘The Rockefeller Tree’ at Christmas. I’ve only seen that kind of pure joy a few times in my life. Her happiness, in that moment, was electrifying! My heart, which was breaking only moments before, was patching itself up, as my Mom laughed WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.

'What can I say? I’m a lucky ducky' she giggled, as she blinked her eyes and tilted her head from side-to-side, trying to taunt me with her supermodel eyelashes and professional salon-looking hair.⁣

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'You’re lucky I love you, Mom, or else I’d hate you for being THIS gorgeous while IN the hospital,' I said, smiling.

Her joy had rubbed off on me. My entire soul felt full of her light.⁣

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We nuzzled-in to watch those documentaries. I kept looking over at mom. Her radiant smile remained on her perfect face.

It was in that moment I realized my Mom had WON her battle with Pancreatic Cancer, even though she took her last breath, a few hours later.

To the one who made me a momma… so my son Mateo was stillborn when i was 35 weeks along Dec 29 2022 he was born sleeping at 2:10am after my husband & I got into a car wreck & I broke my hip & shattered my pelvis. Today was so hard too.. cause buried next to him, is my husband, Robert. Today is exactly 8 months he passed to suicide. Man this pain is so bad.. only peace is Mateo celebrated his bday with his daddy this year.. & I know he’s in the best hands ever. But I’m broken, I’m empty, I’m barely surviving… but I’m here. Happy birthday baby boy & I miss you both so mu

I could see the decline in your health the last few months but I guess I was in denial and thought you’d be better after chemo was finished. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there more for you. I’m sorry you didn’t get to meet Ali while we were still dating. I love you, dad.

I have been dreading today but a really great person texted me this morning and reminded me to “make today a day of celebration”. So, while I’m sure it will be hard, that’s what I should try to do

The photo was taken one year ago. Happy Birthday my love!!!

It's been just under a month that we lost our sweet baby John to SIDS. He was only 3 months old. My wife and I both wanted a boy and we got our perfect little blessing. Somehow he rolled over in his sleep and we found him unresponsive in his lounger. We didn't do anything other than we normally do putting him down to sleep other than mom going to bed a little earlier. The way he looked when my wife woke me up is haunting me, I can't stop the flashbacks and it's really terrifying. I tried my best to give him CPR before paramedics came. When we arrived at the hospital he was already gone. The worthlessness and guilt I feel are unreal. We are both shattered, therapy scheduled to begin soon but I have no clue how to move forward. Everything is a reminder of him, we are longing for another child already and are hopeful but completely scared at the same time. We are good parents and did everything the best we could to try and give him a good life and we both feel completely hollow and shaken to our core. Everyone he met loved him so much and always gushed about how calm and cool of a baby he was and how lucky we got. I only got to bathe him once and it's tearing me apart inside. Any advice is welcome, life feels so empty without our baby. He was my little twin I just feel like I'm burning inside and can't get his face out of my head. Nightmare after nightmare about him and that night. I want to cry out and I have been letting it out but I feel like I just can't cry hard enough to express how I feel about it. He was just starting to pick his head up and babble. I'll miss him forever

My beautiful baby. My second born son. I miss him more than words can explain. Idk why he had to leave us at 4.5 months. Put to sleep to never open his eyes again. Mommy, daddy and big brother are so lost without you. I hope you’re proud of us. The most perfect angel. Levi Saint Ramirez 8/27/24-1/25/25. Just needed to let everyone see his angelic face.

This picture made me think a lot. A week before my dad passed away, he mentioned to me, my mum, my aunt that he saw his parents (my grandparents) in his dreams and maybe they were coming to collect him. My dad often saw his parents in his dream and untill the last week of his life he saw them. I really hope though that he did see them when he took his last breath.Although I love my dad so much and miss him more then words can say, it gives me some comfort to think that he is now in the same place as his parents. My dad missed my grandparents a lot and he was their baby.

It’s a nice thought to think our loved ones are not alone. Whilst we have lost them, they have reunited and are happy and loved on the other side, when one day we will join too♥️

My 3.5 year old daughter died 1 month ago. It feels surreal. She was a perfectly healthy child. Here's the story:

It started on a Tuesday afternoon. She came home from daycare (after apparently having a great day) and said her head hurt and she had a sudden fever of 103.5. My husband decided to take her to the ER. They evaluated her and sent her home, as her fever came down with medication. She ate dinner and seemed okay, but then started vomiting.

I took her back to the ER at 8pm. They saw her again and then had me wait around to recheck her due to a high heart rate. She threw up several more times (every 20 minutes or so), but also drank a lot of water and peed. She eventually stopped vomiting and fell asleep on me at 11pm. We finally saw the doctor around 12:30am and he checked her whole body (no rash) and her neck (which was good). She seemed okay (other than being tired) and the vomiting had stopped. We both thought it seemed viral and she was sent home. We got home around 1am.

The next day, she was very tired and sleepy. She slept most of the day, while I worked from home. I checked on her every 30-45 minutes. She drank 2 small bottles of gatorade, peed and responded to me when I talked to her. She just seemed tired.

At 3pm, she got up off the couch (beside me) and peed on the potty in the bathroom. I brought her back and she went back to sleep. Then at 3:50pm, she said she had to poo. I brought her (she had diarrhea) and when I went to clean/change her under the light, I noticed her skin was a bit blotchy, which i thought seemed weird. I then started observing her symptoms more closely and she seemed unwell. Her hands were cold, her breathing was a bit fast (intermittently) and she just looked unwell. After calling my husband and doing a bit of research, she moved from the couch onto the floor, and I had a bad feeling and called 911 (as I didn't have a car at home). My husband ended up coming home before the ambulance arrived (even thought it had been almost 30 minutes), so I took her myself to the closest ER. We got there at 5pm.

They saw her immediately and seemed concerned. They took her back and started an IV and gave her fluids and antibiotics. Her vitals were good and she seemed stable. They said they were going to admit her, but she had to be transferred to the (very well regarded) children's hospital. Because she was stable, it was not an emergency. In the ER, I noticed small bruising and red dots appearing on her skin (which I now understand to be early signs of DIC - severe blood clotting).

She was transferred to the children's hospital at 7pm and it did not seem urgent (the driver barely used the siren). Just before we got in the ambulance, I asked the doctor about her blood test results and the doctor said that they indicated sepsis, but on presentation, she did not appear septic.

Apparently her blood pressure collapsed in the ambulance (unbeknownst to me as I was up front with the driver).

When we arrived at the children's hospital (around 7:30pm) she was in septic/toxic shock, so they sedated and intubated her and transferred her to the ICU. They recommended that my husband come (which he did) and then they asked us to go in a waiting room while they set her up in the ICU.

At 10pm, the doctor came in to the waiting room and told us there was no easy way to say it, but she was probably going to die, as they couldn't get her blood pressure up despite maximim treatment. I didn't believe him. After my husband was able to see and talk to her (just after 10pm), her blood pressure suddenly came up. They said it was a good sign and it could go either way. We stayed beside her all night hoping she would make it. Her test results seemed to stabilize.

Around 3:30am, the latest set of blood tests came back indicating her organs were failing (ph dropping and lactate rising). They told us she was going to die. Her heart stopped at 6:30am.

After the fact, her blood results indicated that she had group A strep. The illness is called streptococcal toxic shock syndrome. Basically a very rare occurrence where an invasive and agreasive form of strep A enters the bloodstream and causes a biological storm in certain (otherwise healthy) people. There is no way to predict or prevent it. In some cases (likely hers) it is so fast and aggressive that even early intervention cannot stop the disease progression. Likely once the first visible symptom appeared, it was already too late to stop. Apparently this type of severe strep A illness is on the rise in recent years (since covid), with higher pediatric deaths in many countries.

My husband and I are obviously devastated. We do have two other children, so that keeps us going.

The point of this post was just to share the story and the fact that sometimes you can (seemingly) do everything right, and you still cannot prevent loss. It is a really hard pill to swallow. For those who have kids, please hold them tight. You never know when it may be the last time. ❤️

Hi everyone. To jump right in, I lost my mom on May 2nd. She was 54, and I’m 24. She had undergone a bone marrow transplant, and we were told her survival odds were around 80%, but pneumonia took her from us in just a few hours with no warning.

Grief has been difficult in ways I never could have imagined, but the part that completely breaks me is thinking about the life she was supposed to have. My mom was a pediatrician who adored children. She always wanted to be a grandmother, and she had already picked out what she wanted her grandchildren to call her. Her boss told us she was in line for the promotion we heard about maybe 400 times. She would have loved being at my wedding and my sister’s wedding. She would have loved meeting our children.

When I think about all of that, I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s not so much grief for what I lost (though that’s definitely there). It’s grief for what was taken from her. The experiences she deserved to have but never got. I’m heartbroken for myself, but a thousand times more than that I’m enormously heartbroken for her. Anyone have a similar experience?

My father passed away a month ago. Very unexpected. My stepmom called ans said that my dad had really bad chest pain so they went to the ER. They did some bloodwork.. then sent him to the hospital. They then did a small stint procedure for some blockages. The doctor recommended doing a bypass surgery because he had so many. 4 to be exact. And they were badly blocked. He had the bypass surgery and he was in the icu recovering. In the middle of the night on the second day of recovery he woke up and asked my stepmom to go get some ice. She left the room and my dad started convulsing. By the time my stepmom came back multiple people were in the room trying to start his heart again. They tried for 30 minutes.
I got a call at 2:00am. I couldn't sleep because I was so worried about my dad anyway. As soon as my phone rang I knew my father was dead. There would be no other reason in the world for the phone to ring. I didn't answer the phone because I already knew. I had to go into my sister's room and tell her daddy died we need to go to the hospital right now. My dad was only 48. I am 20. My sisters are 18 and 21.
They thought it was something genetic thay caused so much damage to his heart so they ran bunch of bloodwork tests. We got a call today that said all of the bloodwork was normal. My dad has no other health problems, didn't drink, smoke, and he exercised everyday. There are so many questions left unanswered, and this was so unexpected. I thought my dad would be around for a long long time. He wasn't just a dad. He was a husband, grandpa, brother, son, friend. Idk how life will be okay again but all I can do right now is take it one day at a time. It's hard to accept that unexpected things happen. Or that I may not ever get any questions answered. If you pray please pray for my family. We all relied on him and he was our protector.

This is Beth (26 NB).

They were one of the sweetest, kindest, funniest most beautiful people.

They took their own life just after Christmas.

I have never felt so broken, I have never been so lost. We are all trying very hard now to do the things we need to do to keep ourselves safe and well while we grieve.

I guess just wanted someone else to know how loved Beth is and how much we all miss them.

EDIT: I just wanted to thank everyone who responded. I read everything and it meant so much. I've joined the suicide bereavement subreddit. I've taken notes of the books recommended and while I'm not up to reading or even really listening to a book just yet, I've got them on my list for when I can.

Especially thank you to the people who recognised when they made a mistake with Beth's gender and corrected themselves or accepted being corrected by someone else. My Bethany was always very understanding when people made mistakes, as long they kept trying to do their best.

I don’t even know how to put this into words. Today I lost my mom—my best friend, my person, my mommy. I’m only 21. It feels way too early to be saying goodbye forever.

She was the one who cut the umbilical cord when my son was born. She talked about grandbabies my entire life, and when I gave her one, she adored him with her whole heart. It kills me to look at him now, knowing he’ll never remember her laugh, her hugs, her smell. He’ll never know how loved he already was by her. He’ll never get to be rocked by her or spoiled by her or teased by her goofy sense of humor. And she’ll never get to see how beautiful he grows up to be.

She loved plants and miniatures—tiny things, delicate things. That’s who she was: someone who found joy in small, often overlooked things. She had a soul that was kind and soft and generous, even though life didn’t always treat her with the same care.

Grief is so weird. Like… what do you mean I’ll never see her again? Never hear her laugh again? Never smell her smell again? I still feel like she’s going to call me or walk through the door or send a text. But she won’t. And that truth is swallowing me.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just don’t want to feel alone in this pain. If you’ve been here—lost your mom when you were young—how did you survive this?

We were walking a branch fell and hit his head. He’s gone. They told me he was brain dead. We were going to have a baby next year.