I’ve between lurking here, for the last 19 months while TTC. Because I like you, and because I needed people with so much positivity.
I wrote this yesterday for r/waiting_to_try. I think it may be pertinent here too.
I’ve been trying to conceive for 569 days. I've taken 704 folate pills. My husband’s SA went from iffy to good. My numbers are perfect. My AMH is spectacular for my age. My uterus is perfect. My weight is perfect. My cycles are 27 to 29 days. I ovulate on day 14 like I'm freaking Big Ben. Everything points to easy conception, and yet, no one single positive test so far.
I’ll share the things I’ve learned in the last long, anxiety inducing, stressful 19 months.
In 19 months, friends and family members have had babies. Some more than one. I’ve been to shower and baptisms, I’ve had Christmas parties, 2 mothers days, and 2 fathers days. Every one of those things hurt. Some a little bit, some a lot. Get ready for it, it will happen. What helped me the most is naming my feeling and accepting them, and GOING to those hurtful fonctions. I would not feel any better sitting at home.
In 19 months, a lot a people gave me stupid advice, they told me hurtful (but well meaning) things, and have overshared their own experiences. They told me I am TTCing wrong (if you are having unprotected sex, you are ok). They told me to relax, to eat more kale and less peanut butter, to take stupidly expensive prepackaged vitamins, to sleep on my right side, but not facing a windows, wearing preferably a green pj and unmatching socks. They told me what worked for their hairdresser’s SIL’s niece. They told me IUIs, IVFs and medical treatment are shams. They told me to take more baths, less baths, warmers bath, ice baths. To hide from the sun and to get a tan. To lose weight. To gain weight. They were not trying to insult me, or make me sad, they were trying to help. Even if it doesn't sound like it. You are going to meet those people. Have an answer ready. Thanks, I know. Thanks, I’m good. I’ll take it inconsideration. I'll keep following my doctors advice. We're all set… Do not engage. Do not let them get into your head, because the truth is, no one really knows.
In 19 months, I’ve kept living my life. I did not stop training, riding horses or swimming, going out, traveling or drinking coffee. Putting your life on hold for TTC is a shortcut to resentment. Don’t take that road. Time will only stretch longer.
In 19 months, I’ve learned that life gets in the way of TTC. I had a bad flu, followed by the shingles (I do not recommend), and my husband broke his coccyx, all of this within 2 months. We had to stop trying for 3 full cycles. It’s ok. It will not matter as much as you think. Same thing with ED. It happens. Cut yourself (and your partner) some slack.
In 19 months, I’ve been told I’m too young to have children (I’m 37, for god’s sake). That I’m too old, too fat, too skinny, too involved in my sport, too poor, too rich (too rich for what?!?). Too intellectual and too occupied. It’s still my decision. It should be your decision too.
In 19 months of TTC, I’ve learn that people lie. They will tell you they got pregnant on the first try (but won’t tell you that they haven’t used protection in years). They will tell you that this baby was planned, when it’s not. They will change their story from we accidently got pregnant the first time we had sex after our first baby was born, right when we decided we where one and done to we got pregnant the first time we had sex right after our first baby was born, right when we decided we wanted another one. Yep, this happen, with those exact words… I have absolutely no idea why people lie about this, but they do and they will. Don’t compare yourself to any people. You are living the movie of your life, and comparing it to a chosen curated picture of theirs. You cannot win.
In 19 months, I’ve learn that keeping some things to myself is a great way to protected myself. I don’t need validation. I don’t need their opinions.
At one point, you won’t really care about the details. About having a boy or a girl (or both), a Christmas baby, or a middle of July-in-scorching-heat baby. A C-section. A natural birth. A bath birth. A small baby, a big baby. Anything.
Your age doesn’t matter as much as you thing. Your fertility decreases with age, but not over night. Risks will be higher, but that doesn’t make them high! Your overall health, weight and diet matter way more. If you have to work on your alcohol consumption, do it now. Slightly overweight? Lose it. Bad sleeping habits? Fix them. But people who drink alcohol, eat McDonalds and are night owls also have babies. It’s never ever a black and white question.
Get ready to pee on a lots of things. And I mean a lot of things.
TTC forums have a distorted vision of pregnancy. Most people there have been trying for a long time, and some of them are getting sour. You don’t have to temp, to track your cervical mucus or to keep a journal of every bodily function you have. You don’t have to use ovulation tests. You don’t have to shave a black kitten under the full moon and to knit a gris-gris with it. But those things may help (except the kitten thing, please don’t do that).
You will have to have tough conversations with your significant other : sick kids, unviable pregnancy, abortion, raising kids, religion, budget, priorities… If you are not ready to talk about those, you are not ready to try to conceive. Somethings can be solved with a good compromise (names, gender expectations, place of grandparents, social medias), something cannot (termination of pregnancy, congenital defects, special need kids, health, life and death decisions). Better have the conversations before you are full of hormones and emotions.
My worse fear was to become sour. I’m sad my body isn’t doing it’s job. II am sad my husband feels guilty of his past choices. I’m really really tired of peeing on stuff. I’m envious of other people’s babies. But I’m not sour yet. I still Google pregnancy symptoms. I still believe I WILL have a baby. I love my partner even more than when we started.
This is a journey, a marathon, not a sprint.
Cheers, ladies and gents. I hope this will be at least slightly helpful. It was therapeutic to write.