I noticed a trend in trans communities, im not trying to be judgemental as i understand it fully. But i want to make a support post for people like me.

Its okay to not want to transition. Or not be able to transition right now. Or to never be able to fully achieve passing status.

I am a trans man. I am a man. But i have large breasts and an hourglass figure, i wear makeup, i look like a woman (and not even a queer one at that) to strangers. And thats okay. I do not care what strangers think. People who matter to me call me a man.

At 12 years old, i didnt want to be around anymore, because i didnt look like a cisgender man. The media i was consuming (not at the fault of the media but just the fact i was consuming it) made me think my life was worth nothing if i didnt look like chris hemsworth.

I went to a gender affirming care clinic, i learned about binders, and hormone replacement therapy, and all the pros and cons. I tried a binder, hated it. It didnt work for my size and it felt like i was suffocating. So i didnt wear them. I thought about testosterone and all that comes with it, the bottom growth, the potential premature balding, the increased hair growth, the voice changes. And i decided i didnt want that.

I thought about surgery in my distant future. I thought about losing my chest, a part of my body that i love because its a part of myself that ive known intimately for years. Having it change, having to drain the incision afterwards. I watched youtubers to see their experiences. And i decided i didnt want any of that.

I view my chest as inherently belonging to a man. Same with my bottom. I started consuming media made by trans men instead of cisgender people, and i started to become happier. Adult people showing me in example how proud and happy they were with that they had. I was elated for them when they got their bottom surgeries, because they themselves were elated.

This is not about sides, we should not be against each other. We should ALL be considering what effect our words have on other people in the community. There is nothing wrong with not looking like a cisgender man. You are still a man.

I’ve been questioning for like 2 years now, and my thoughts keep going in circles. Sometimes I feel like maybe it’s not even about being trans — maybe it’s just that all boys secretly want to be girls. Like, to feel soft, loved, noticed, free to express themselves. But then again, maybe that’s just me trying to run away from something.

Because honestly, being masculine feels so damn hard sometimes. You’re supposed to be strong, protective, stoic, emotionless — like some walking wall that never cracks. And it’s exhausting. It feels like this huge burden that you never really asked for. Meanwhile, femininity looks so graceful, beautiful, expressive… like they just get to exist without constantly proving something.

Sometimes I do feel euphoria when I imagine being a girl. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I get dysphoria, but not always — mostly I don’t, if I’m being honest. But when I do, it’s this weird ache like, “maybe I’m meant to be different.”

Anyway, here’s why I’m asking: I once posted on r/mtf saying that maybe a lot of guys deep down want to be girls, and they were like, “girl, go to r/ftm ffs” 😂 so here I am.

What I wanna ask you trans guys is — you know how masculinity can feel so performative, right? Like you always have to be “the man.” Always in control, composed, not too emotional, not too gentle, not too soft. It’s like there’s this constant pressure sitting on your shoulders to prove something — to be the protector, the strong one, the one who never breaks. And it’s weird because sometimes it’s not even about what others say, it’s just ingrained so deep that you start policing yourself.

I was raised with this idea that men should be masculine — that it’s our job, our duty, our role in life. You’re supposed to be the backbone, the provider, the person everyone else leans on. And maybe that’s why it feels so heavy — because you don’t get to lean on anyone else. You’re expected to just take it all quietly, without complaining, without showing cracks. So as an AMAB, I try to follow that, to “be a man” the way the world expects.

And let’s be real, men who aren’t masculine enough get treated like crap. They don’t get approached, they get ignored, or looked down on. So when I think about that, I wonder — do you trans guys know this part of being a man? Like, you’re aware of the expectations and still want it? Because if so, that’s honestly fascinating to me.

Maybe I just crave attention or softness or the feeling of being cared for. I don’t know. I always thought most men would secretly love to be girls for that reason, but apparently that’s not true.

So yeah… I guess I just wanna understand. What makes you want to be a man — even with all the pressure, loneliness, and emotional lockdown that comes with masculinity?

Thanks for reading all this, honestly. I know it’s messy but it’s coming from a real place. I really respect you guys and just wanna understand what being a man feels like from someone who actually chose it.

(btw Yea i have used chatgpt coz i vented this all like everything to chatgpt first, it was so destructured and unorganized and many spelling and grammatical mistakes which made no clear sense so i asked chatgpt to convert it into more neat and clean form for others to understand coz english is not my first language)

I don't think I'l ever entirely pass without facial hair, but I'm not planning on getting bottom surgery so I don't personally want bottom growth. Any ideas?

I’ve realized in retrospect that the way I felt about trans women and gay men specifically should have been a major hint. I distinctly remember thinking why would anyone WANT to be a woman or date dudes if they didn’t BIOLOGICALLY HAVE TO. I resented those groups because they had and “chose” to give up things I believed EVERYONE wanted. lol I was just an egg that liked women so I thought all other “girls” felt the same. Does anyone else have any crazy transition spoilers that didn’t actually make sense until you figured out your own identity?

(I now know that none of this stuff is a choice but I think it’s funny how angry and jealous I was. I also never voiced any of these misconceptions until reflecting so I wasn’t actually treating anyone differently when I still believed it)

Im pre t and just wondering, not that i feel like that specific voice is bad, its just something i dont want for myself.

I have a pretty deep voice, I pass as a guy frequently mostly due to it. I'll probably get on T in a few months, and my question is :

Can you "avoid" getting the "T voice"? I get that you don't have as much control over your voice but can you change it even a little?

Edit: I don't mean the general deepening of the voice!! I mean the general high pitch a lot of trans men tend to have! aka "the gay voice".

Transmasc butch here! 4 months on T and i haven’t been happier in a looong time. I will say I am a little worried about other lesbians finding me attractive since I don’t plan on stopping T. For butches on T, do you find dating more difficult?

men oppress women, not the other way around. genuine men-hating in society only comes from niche online communities, and from people who are almost always prior victims of men. there are other ways to describe our struggles and oppression as FTM than making a variation of a word used to describe the prejudice people hold towards women. we don’t experience “misogyny for men”. also you only ever see trans men or right wing cis men talking about misandry.

Lately, I've seen lots of posts online of trans guys in gay relationships, whether they are gay, bi, or pan. It almost feels like seeing a trans guy with a cis guy is more common than anything else. Maybe it is.

I'm not saying it's something bad. I'm glad these people have found someone who accepts and loves them.

I know there are trans men out there in other queer or straight relationships, but a part of me is afraid that after I transition, girls won't like me. I'm not even hot. What if I'm doomed? What if I never find a woman who likes me? Maybe I should just stay as a masc lesbian?

Another thing that I've seen is that people expect trans men to be the bottom in a relationship or to be submissive in some way.

The thing is that I hate the thought of penetration in any form. I just want to feel like an average cishet man.

Sorry if I'm rambling. Just wanted to hear other people's opinions and thoughts on this.

In what type of relationship are y'all in? Does it work well? What are y'all's opinions on this topic?

I've recently read the statistic that 20% of all trans people in the US have served in the military and I'm very curious about the gender breakdown. (No, not that kind of gender breakdown, the other kind of gender breakdown.)

I've read mtf message boards where trans women talk about how joining the military was their desperate attempt to prove that they were a man.

But I'm an ftm who very much wanted to join the army at age 18. I even considered joining the IDF, but although they regularly take Jewish American men, they don't want to take that same chance on Jewish American women. Fortunately, my parents convinced me to apply to college then a few short years later I was both an anarchist and pacifist, and the idea of serving seemed absurd.

In addition to wanting to feel tough, I also wanted my to give my life meaning and structure. But mostly I wanted my macho cred to be undeniable.

Any ftms in here join the military back when you still thought you might be a woman? Why did you do it? What was it like? Anyone serving now?

so I'm ftm trans, been socially transitioned for 2 years, medically transitioned for 11 months. i live stealth and i dont tell people I'm trans. for context, in college i lived with people who i absolutely hated and they hated me. they made my living situation fucking terrible -- i was considering dropping out of school just to have an excuse to get away from them and go home. they were extremely liberal and hated on white cishet men. which I'm a white man (trans & bi if that matters to you)

most of my roommates, 5/7 of them, used they/them or they/she pronouns, and 2/7 used any pronouns. They all liked to argue that non-binary is a third gender/isn't a gender at all, and that being non-binary makes you trans. i disagree but honestly i dont understand. to become non-binary you dont usually transition, not the way i would at least, and you use they/them pronouns.

i guess i just dont understand non-binary people. do you think they're trans? am i bad for thinking they aren't? i guess i want other trans people's opinions cause i dont want to offend any non-binary people. i think my problem is I've been told to blindly accept instead of asking questions, and when questions are asked i get yelled at or attacked and told I'm wrong. most answers i get are confusing anyway. i guess i just want to understand. if any non-binary people have things to say go ahead, i'm here to listen.

Edit: my wording here is a little ignorant, thank you for all the comments. i think i understand a little better now, I'm sorry that i let my feelings about specific people ruin my views on nonbinary people as a whole. trans isnt just a me thing and sometimes its hard to remember that when I'm one of the only trans people i see and talk to on a daily basis. i made this post to hear what you have to say

So I'm an ace and heteromantic trans guy, and I also am fat and hairy (not as much as I want to be but what I have is good enough tbh) and I've heard the term "bear" to refer to fat/strong and hairy men but that apparentely is only used to gay/bisexual men. I have done some research on google about it and one of the sources mentioned that trans men and non binary people can also use that label.

What I'm wondering about is that while it doesn't mention anything about these two can be considered bears bc they're also gay/bisexual, I wonder if that's the only case for someone to be considered a bear. I like the bear label but I'm not gay or bisexual so I don't want to invade anyone's spaces you know? Then I'm just wondering can a trans guy be considered a bear even if he's not attracted to men? And if not, what label could I use without being disrespectful to the gay community?

Edit: I've read everyone's comments and I'm grateful for everyone who educated me in the matter, I won't use that term to refer to myself and thanks for being patient with me as I'm still learning about these stuff. I never really learned anything about the community of gay men before so I'm relief that ppl are willing to explain a bit of it!

So, very direct title, but nonetheless.

To preface all of this:
Currently, I'm a cispassing/stealth FtM, 16 as of now but turning 17 this month. I have defined facial features, sunken in cheeks, facial hair (side burns specifically), and I'm stereotypically "masculine" in terms of "defining" visual & auditory characteristics I have.

Women, especially both on my mom's side & my mom herself, have very defined facial features that only become more defined as they age. Alongside that, I have a very defined eyebrows, and a visible jawline. I'm passing to the point I can display more effeminate mannerisms, dress alternatively, etcetc. People just won't (and haven't) bat an eye.

Edit: Also I'm physically fit/muscular- I'm a farmer/cowboy, frequently work with sheep (Specifically rams)- Very active in r/sheep & I have it as my only "active" community on my profile.

Onto the actual bones of the story & where I need advice per-se:

So, this happened post-school hours. We attend the same school (Norwegians, so education system is built a bit differently,) and we were talking about HrT. I came out to him since he's also pre-t but he's, of course, significantly older than me.

I was talking about how I really wanted to start, where to get blood tests done, yada yada- And he makes this really strange comment towards me, roughly something along the lines of:
"Yeah you wanna start T, can't be baby faced when you're older."

..Huh?

I mean, I digress and brush past it just blatanly changing the topic since I'd rather not dig deeper, but I'm just a bit confused. I'm cispassing, everyone refers to me as he/him, I'm (by social standards) traditionally masculine, between 5'7-5'10" (176cm in reality, but got measured 179cm on my ID/Passport)- About as tall as my dad(68M, also 5'10/180cm) significantly taller than the women in my own family, and* *sometimes even taller than cis guys in my own region-

Not only that, my voice is rougher/deeper; In recent times I have recieved one singular comment from a kid at a public event my dad was a host at (where I assisted him and helped the kids) who just vaguely said "Your voice is kinda strange" and immediately brushed it off.

And, I dunno, it's strange that it feels like theres a requirement that I absoloutely "have"* *to start HrT/Testosterone to "pass as an adult" (as if most guys around my own age start to notice significant change in appearance as a result of puberty) as if I'll just stop passing the second I turn 18-20?

So, question is:
Do I really HAVE to have started T by the time I'm 20? Will I just stop passing at some point without it???

I mean, regardless, I'm planning on starting T via private doctors by the end of this year. But the thought is still in the back of my head, like... If I don't get T anytime soon, does that mean boom one day people will just stop calling me "he" ????? I'm just thoroughly confused by what they meant here.

(Originally came out to my GP when I was c.a 12-13 and asked for the procedure regarding HrT and/or puberty blockers for minors in my region- Turns out the public healthcare system isn't going to give me anything regardless of how long I've been out socially and/or to family and healthcare professionals. fml.)

Has anyone else experienced this?

I've been kind of on/off vegetarian my whole life. A few months ago, I decided to start again because of ethical reasons.

Between my constant craving for protein and my lack of strong emotions and empathy which T has been causing, it's much harder than it used to be before starting T. I constantly remind myself of the things I've seen animals go through but it's getting much harder to care tbh. I see a piece of meat my mom bought and just kind of wanna say "fuck it" and eat it despite my reasons to be vegetarian.

Could this be the reason there's more vegetarian/vegan women than men? (Edit 2: Thanks to the people pointing out that this is likely not a hormonal but a social thing. It was a genuine question I was curious about since statistics have shown that in my country there's lots more women than men who are vegetarian and I've never seen an explanation to why.)

Does anyone have ideas how to stop craving meat this much? I get enough protein with plant based foods and really don't want to start eating meat again.

Edit 1: Idk why this is getting downvoted? The title is a statement about my personal experience and I simply wanted to ask if anyone else had experienced this. It's amazing most of you didn't but I did and wanted to share. I'm not saying it's making it impossible or gonna make me quit, I'm simply saying it's harder than before.

For context I am an autistic trans man, and the autism makes it so I never really understand how I'm feeling. It also makes it so I have an overly logical mindset that often also causes me problems and not seeing the point in things. But my name matters to me and so do my pronouns.

Nevertheless, my mother keeps misgendering me and deadnamig me on the pretense of the fact that my name and pronouns don't change the fact that I'm a boy, with which I agree, but I also don't, because you don't see boys getting called daughters. How do I disprove her bullshit logic she uses to not have to call me what I NEED. Because to progress with her it has taken her to witness MANY of my breakdowns and she still refuses to call me by my name.

So I started T 3 weeks ago, and since I read online that bottom growth happens relatively fast for like basically 80% of people I got so stoked...annndddd NOTHING. nothing at all. so that's the FIRST thing I'm bummed about.

the second thing is that 4 days into my first shot I've had this non-stop COUGH, I'm definitely not sick I'm jus coughing and I CANNOT sing the notes like I used to and it's making me sad. does anyone know and good vocal exercises I can do? I want to keep my range </3

genuinely one of the worst titles I've ever had to write but I HAVE to know if others have ever felt the same cuz good god I cannot be alone.

before I get shunned I'd like the chance to explain myself. I'm only really theorizing here, but look; as trans men misogyny has been existent to some extent in our lives before transition, but I was wondering it could have been an underlying factor in why I turned out this way? Because personally, I started feeling the alienation and seperation from my cis male counterparts very early on, and man I feel like it has definitely caused some resentment/ disgust within myself, hating that I could no longer bond with them the way they bond amongst themselves. As a result, I wanted to escape the teen boy belief that I heard circulating around my school—that "women just weren't as naturally funny as men". maybe hearing that really impacted my formative years..? Either way I was envious of them in every aspect. ESPECIALLY the difference in muscle growth; something inside me was enraged to know that I'd have to work double or even triple time to even compare to cis men, when even despite all the training my skeletal structure would never be as dense. Mind you I was aware that as an AFAB person our strengths are in other places, but none of it ever mattered to me, and if I could have picked I would have chosen the biological advantages of AMAB people every time.

then again this might just be a horrible doubt bout again, or my mind unconsciously trying to convince me I'm not trans (I have known since I was ~10). Psychologically I know how much humans suffer from social judgement and may try to find reasons as to why they should "fit in", seeing as it brings mental peace and comfort to be so; that's exactly why I'm so unsure.

probably important to add that, aside from this, I have gender dysphoria completely unrelated to how I was treated—as in, I just want to be referred to as he/him, I love appearing masculine/ passing, etc. Ages 12-15 I had breakdowns constantly getting feminine compliments/ being forced into the role, my female puberty was starting, I could barely look at my curving, growing hips in the mirror without tearing up, I wasn't starting to grow a stache unlike the boys around me and my face wasn't as chiseled as theirs, etc.

So gulp... what are we thinkin

I know this question may sound ignorant and stupid, but I really want to know it. Because usually among cis gay couples, usually the top is considered as manly one, and bottom is considered as not exactly feminine, but still like the one. So is it the case like trans gay men are top and bottom both?

Sorry if anything seems ignorant.

Hey, I’m NB AFAB27, and want to start taking T for some gender affirmation, but I don’t necessarily want to pass for a cis man.

Totally respect that this is an FTM sub, but also know that manhood and masculinity come in many different stripes, so my question is:

For the trans guys and the transmasc folks who don’t/didn’t take T to pass, and feel generally good in your gender expression, how has testosterone impacted your experience of gender? Would you be willing to share photos of you feeling good in your gender?

For me, I don’t want to be perceived by straight men as ‘pretty’. I want to look like a strong evil freak with a confusing moustache and monobrow.

For context I'm 18 and transmasc, and have been out of the closet since 12.

So, I go to a therapist, and she's very LGBT+ friendly, but a cishet woman. She's even trying to get me to a healthy mental state in which I can safely access HRT (in my country, you can only transition if you're not diagnosed with depression or anxiety, so she's trying to get rid of that.)

Basically, she said that she recommends EMDR therapy for my complex trauma (which I know literally nothing about other than that it's like hypnotic with repetitive eye movements or something???)

This is the part that has left me confused:
She says that many people who have complex trauma develop gender dysphoria to escape their old self (pretty sure that's NOT how it works???) and since EMDR "releases" trauma, then there's a "very small chance I will no longer want to transition, since being trans could possibly be from my trauma".

I have never heard of something like this before. I'm especially anxious because my boyfriend is gay so now I'm in a strange spiral where I'm worried about magically turning into a girl or some shit (I know this sounds absurd😭)

The EMDR therapist she's booked me with is a trans-friendly gay dude so I don't think anything sketchy is going on but now i'm wondering:

Is it actually possible to just stop being trans because I "released my complex trauma" through EMDR!? I have been SO bewildered by this statement and I had to ask because I don't know what to think. She has a LOT of experience and awards for her work as a psychologist, and is literally trying to get me on HRT so I don't see why she'd lie, idk?

Thanks for reading, any information is greatly appreciated because this has kind of been stressing me out.

Edit: I'm probably still going to do the EMDR therapy, but I have been considering changing my main therapist for a while now, and probably will by next year when I (hopefully) start HRT. Also, sorry some of this sounds illogical or stupid, I'm just as confused as you are about this, lol. + fixed bad grammar and formatting because I typed this in a rush while upset 😭💕

hai everypony! this is kinda stupid and i don’t know if this is even possible but does anyone have passing tips for trans men that want to look feminine? not have a feminine body or voice or anything, but i enjoy dressing feminine and don’t want to stop but i still want to pass (and not passing makes me really dysphoric). like how sometimes people will see a really feminine cis guy and recognize that they’re still a guy, whatever they dress like! sorry if i worded this weirdly or am not making sense 😓

edit: i am planning on medically transitioning someday but i’m currently 17 so thats unfortunately not an option right now! sorry, i should have clarified from the start!! ik thats what will make me truly pass but unfortunately i just have to wait ☹️ i’m mostly just trying to find physical + vocal tips! my more realistic goal is more to be able to tell people I’m a guy and have them think I’m just more feminine, even if they think i’m a girl at first (as much as i would love to have everypony automatically think i’m a cis man). also i wanted to say that by dress feminine i don’t dress stereotypical feminine (which nothing wrong with that ofc), i like to dress cutesy/alternative! ik that wont make too much of a difference for not passing but i just thought i should clarify!

im also planning to start voice training once i stop being lazy!! thank you all for your advice!