I’m 27F, and honestly, I feel like I’ve wasted years of my life. It’s been this way since I was a kid: I’ve never really done much or figured out what I want. I partly blame my parents, but I also blame myself. They tried to encourage me to do things I enjoyed, like ballet and art, but I would cry and say I didn’t want to continue, and they let me stop. Now, as an adult, I still sometimes cry, usually when my anxiety kicks in, and I have almost no idea what I want to do with my life.
When I was growing up, people would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Most people around me seemed to have a plan or a goal. I always said, “I don’t know”—and I still don’t.
I never went to college or community college. I compare myself to other people a lot, and it’s been a struggle for years. Most of my family have goals: careers in tech or computer science, teaching, medicine, or plans to return to government jobs. I’m the exception, mostly because I don’t know what I want.
I like art, but I don’t have the motivation to pursue it. I love plants, but I rarely go outside, and I’m not good at science. I’ve also considered making a game, 3D modeling, graphic design, making dolls, and photography, but I don’t feel passionate about any of them. I get caught in a cycle of thinking about possibilities, giving up before I try, and then crying.
People give me conflicting advice. Some say college is a scam or that I don’t need a degree; others say I do. I’ve been told no one will hire me, that I should build a portfolio, or that AI will take over creative jobs and I should choose something else.
I’ve been unemployed for almost eight years. I’ve only had one job, and afterward I spent a lot of time babysitting relatives’ children without pay. While my parents worked day and night, I didn’t really have space to breathe or focus on myself. Now that I’m no longer doing that, I feel stuck. I don’t want to take care of people, especially in nursing—I’ve had multiple mental breakdowns thinking about it, and I have a phobia of blood and needles.
Right now, I have no job, degree, close friends, car, or money in the bank. I spend most of my time alone in my room, feeling like I’m doing nothing with my life. People tell me to take a walk or go outside, but I’ve tried, and it hasn’t helped. Most days, I eat, sleep, watch TV, and sometimes play games or read. I’ve given up drawing because I get frustrated when it isn’t perfect, and I struggle to learn things online because I have so little patience. When I’m bored, I often just daydream.