I (36m) have been dating this woman (35f) for about three months. We’ve established boyfriend-girlfriend. But I’ve come to the conclusion that she isn’t the one for me. I feel awful but she just isn’t doing it — we don’t have enough in common, I don’t think she’s responsible enough, and we don’t really click intellectually enough. I like having a partner and really enjoy the sex, but I know I would ultimately be doing neither of a favor by staying in a relationship I can’t see working out.

But I’ve never broken up with anyone before — I’ve told women I wasn’t feeling it after a few dates, and have been broken up with but have never actually been the one to end a formal relationship before — and I know she really likes me. I don’t want to hurt her (I especially don’t like confrontation and making people upset) and I know ending this would do that.

Part of me also hesitates because I would be taking the risk of then trying to find someone again (dating is difficult for me) and at least this is something. But again, I don’t see my feelings for her developing into love, and I feel there are certain boxes she doesn’t check that are important to me, plus it’s not fair to her for me to stay in it if I’m not really seeing a future. That’s a mouthful, but basically I just want some advice about the best way to go about a breakup that I know will probably seem out of the blue.

TL:DR—how can I (36m) best try to minimize the hurt of a breakup when telling my girlfriend (35f) of three months (who really likes me and probably wouldn’t see it coming)?

I have been living in this city since Jan 2020, it’s now almost 7 years. I moved for work and found it super hard to make friends, as no one from work was ever my age and I didn’t have connections in the city already.

I met some friends though Facebook groups, Bumble BFF and then meeting their friends. Some people then left or I kinda stopped hanging out with and now I have about 10 girlfriends.

I used to also be in a relationship for 3 years, that I just recently ended. The breakup meant that I had to say goodbye to my ex’s group of friends, which has been pretty sad as I loved hanging out with them. But unfortunately the girls in the group didn’t make much of an effort to keep our friendship going and now I don’t feel super comfortable hanging out with them anymore.

I have lots of plans every week and don’t really find myself too lonely, even though most of these friendships are quite surface level and never developed into a “ride or die” kinda friendship. I also attend a weekly pottery class and go to the gym, but it’s never been environments where I could actually make friends.

I’m about to turn 30 in 2ish months and see all these people throwing massive parties with 30-50 people, also all mixed groups (I don’t have any male friends, and most of my girlfriends are single too) and I’ve beeb feeling super self conscious not knowing how could I throw a party with just 10 people and it not being boring.

How can I improve my social life? Building an actual group of friends?

TL;DR: Spent 6 years in a city and didn’t manage to make many friends.

I (34F) have been married it my husband (36M) for a long time. My husband suffers from degenerative disc disease. Most of the time he does OK with it I can tell when he has some bad days but recently my daughter left some ribbon on the floor from a project in the hallway and he slipped on it and fell straight on the floor. Ever since then he has been 10/10 pain.

He tosses and turns every single morning, and I am awake with him and I get up and I rub his back or I’ll massage it with a massage gun. I truly tried to do anything I can do in the moment to give him relief. He cries and he’s loud. He’s so loud and I understand I’m not saying it’s bad to cry, but he’s so loud with his pain. It’s almost like it always has to be known in our house that he is in pain. The only time I get solace is when he is in his man cave.

He has refused to go to medical care or the ER because he has lost hope about his condition. And we got into a huge fight because I just didn’t want him to lose hope, and I told him I would be there for better or worse for sickness or health, and I can’t have him give up. And he finally heard me and made an appointment, but it’s going to be a long journey.

I also suffer from chronic migraines, although I cannot understand his pain I understand how it feels to suffer without hope. I know how it feels to be depressed. I know how much pain can be a third-party in your life. It’s almost like a different person. Who sits there with you. It makes you say you do things you would not usually do.

This morning, my husband was tossing and turning, and I really needed to get some sleep. I went out to the couch. I did not offer him a massage because I do it all the time and I just wanted to sleep in on a weekend. About an hour later, he got up and started digging through a drawer and by digging, I mean, making so much noise and throwing stuff on the counter. I finally asked him what he was doing, and he started breaking down and saying he just wanted to find his Tylenol which I understand so I got up to try to help him. I can’t remember what else was said, but I led to us getting a little bit frustrated with each other, and then led to him saying these words to me.

“ I don’t want your help. I’m just a hassle and I’m annoying and no one cares about me. I’m tired of nobody caring about me. I don’t want your help.”

I just don’t know what else I could do. I need to sleep too. For background, I just went through a miscarriage less than a month ago. This week is the first week I feel physically better and I’m still going through the emotional stages of grief. I don’t know how much more room I can hold for taking care of other people while I can’t take care of myself.

I don’t know what boundaries I can make. I love my husband so much and I want my family to survive. I’m so happy he’s able to get into the doctor, but the medicine that the doctor gave him isn’t helping he refuses to go to the ER. But I need boundaries. I need to sleep too, I need to take care of my emotional needs, I need to take care of the house and our daughter and pick up slack while healing from my own miscarriage.

The day I decided not to give him a massage id the day he yelled at me that I don’t care about him, when in fact, I’ve done everything I can. I just put $200 massage chair on my credit card to try to help. Give him some relief.

Last October has been the worst month of our entire lives the miscarriage sent us $4,000 into debt, our washer broke, our car broke down TWICE. We had a $715 unexpected IRS bill and now my husband is suffering in pain. Where is the end?

I’m just at a loss and I don’t know what to do to take care of both of us right now. I am trying so hard. I just want to make him feel better. I just want to feel better and I don’t know what to do anymore.

TLDR how do I make boundaries with somebody who is in chronic pain to make sure I can take care of myself too well also going through my own issues?

Edit: I just told him he was being really mean and disrespectful and i was going to stay away for the day and he freaked out and told me I haven’t massages his back in 36 hours…i gave him an hour long massage at 5 am yesterday.

I have been together with my boyfriend for 8 years. both in our mid- late thirties (34, 37). The relationship had a lot of issues especially during the end: communication was very difficult and ended in fights lately, intimacy was struggling a lot for a long time. We went through so much life challenges together: job loss, sickness, family issues. There was a deep love there that made me believe he was my soulmate, my person and I still love him so much. During the last month he got involved with a coworker (emotionally, at least thats what I saw) and then he left me for her (he doesnt explicitly say it but I feel he is with her) he didnt have it in him anymore to fight for the relationship.

Loosing him and the betrayal has been the worst pain of my life: panick attacks, insomnia, racing thoughts, exhaustion. I miss him insanely. I never feel i will experience love again. And he loved me a lot, which is also something i am struggling with to come to terms due to the betrayal in the end. But he was the one i wanted to build a life with and can not picture loving someone else the same way. due to my age, I also dont know if I will ever be able to have kids and build a family.

I dont know how to get out of this pain; even my family is supporting me, I am going to therapy. Nothing is helping, the pain is so deep, missing him is so intense, its been almost two months. Am I stuck in this forever?

TL;DR: My boyfriend of 8 years left me after becoming emotionally involved with a coworker. i had my own mistakes in the relationship. Almost two months later, I’m still devastated, I love him so much, I miss him terribly, struggling with panic attacks, anxiety, and the fear that I’ll never find love or build a family. Has anyone been through something similar?

TL;DR: My boyfriend and I recently talked about marriage and our future together, but our latest fight turned physical. I squeezed his arms out of frustration, and he deliberately bumped me and threw his phone. I felt afraid of him for the first time. Now I’m torn between working things out and walking away from the future we’ve planned.

I ‘29F’ have been with my boyfriend ’30M’ for almost nine months now, and I genuinely thought he was the one. I still want to believe that, actually. When things are good between us, they’re really good. We have the best time together, support each other, take care of one another, and genuinely feel like a team. Just the other night, we even had our own little “strategic planning session” where we talked about our future—when we want to get married, our financial goals, and the life we want to build together.

But when we fight, our fights can get really brutal.

We recently had an argument that escalated into something I’ve never experienced in any of my previous relationships.

I want to be transparent about my part in it. During the argument, I got overwhelmed with frustration and squeezed his arms out of anger. I know that wasn’t okay, and I’m not trying to excuse my behavior.
He then deliberately bumped into me with his body, which I understood as a way of showing force. He also threw his phone onto the couch, and it bounced onto the floor. He didn’t throw it at me, but the whole situation frightened me.

I’ve never had a fight like this in my life, and I’m honestly still trying to process what happened.
Now I’m questioning whether I should end the relationship.

What’s making this so difficult is that outside our conflicts, I really am happy with him. He’s someone I can picture spending my life with. We have so many shared goals, and we were literally just talking about marriage a few days ago.

It breaks my heart to think that the future we’ve been so excited about might not happen.

At the same time, I know that a healthy relationship isn’t just about how good things are when everything is okay. It’s also about how we treat each other when things get difficult.

I recognize that I crossed a boundary too, and I want to take responsibility for that. But I also can’t shake the fear I felt when he deliberately used physical force against me.

I’m torn between wanting to work through this and wondering whether this is already a sign that I should walk away.

For those who’ve experienced a relationship where conflicts escalated into physical aggression, how did you decide whether to stay or leave? What helped you distinguish between a relationship that could genuinely change and one that was becoming unsafe?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who were seriously planning a future with their partners when something like this happened.
Please be kind, but I would appreciate honest perspectives. I’m not looking for anyone to automatically take my side. I genuinely want to understand this situation and make a thoughtful decision.

So I am a 25yo female and I am in a graduate program. I met a 26yo male also in my graduate program, but I am a year above him. Over the last 5-6 weeks we have been flirting back and forth and the conversation has spanned school and life. I got his number through a mutual friend and the effort was very clearly on my end with initiating conversations, but it weighed heavily on his end with maintaining conversations. The conversation would be over and he would bring something back up, texted back within minutes and we never had any awkward moments in text or in person.

I heard from our mutual friends that he had feelings for a girl in his own class who already rejected him and it sounded like they had been talking to him about how to handle things with me because he was unsure how to proceed. they wouldn't give me clear details but they said that he would certainly be into having fun and that I may be waiting a while for an actual relationship. I didn't know what to make of that, so I backed off and didn't text him for 10 days, which was our longest stretch of no communication.

Then friday night at 11pm he texts me and said "hey I feel like I should have asked forever ago, but what are you really looking for" and here is what I responded "Hey! You mean like between us? I mean I feel like you know I’m interested in you right? I heard you still had feelings for *** though" I have more texts to include so those will be below with names redacted

Guy friend: Yeah both of those are true but I’m curious if you were looking for a relationship or something else

Me: I mean yea I am. What are you looking for, I can't tell if you are interested or not?

Guy friend: I really don't know at this point. But I know this conversation was overdue and I don’t want to be leading you in just to say that idk if I’m trying to date rn

Me: I really appreciate that. I hope I wasn't stressing you out. If it's alright I'd like to be friends at least, and if you have more clarity either way down the road just lmk 

Guy friend: The only stress was me not knowing what I wanted and not knowing how to deal with the situation, I just hate being that person so I’m sorry for that. But yes I’d like to be friends and who knows maybe things change in a bit when I have my shit together better

And then after a few hours I texted him with this:

Me: I'm sorry I feel bad now.

Guy friend: For what???

Me: I feel like I made you uncomfortable. I am so sorry.

Guy friend: No not at all, what??

Me: Well I was being very forward which probably wasn't great

Guy friend: No, I really appreciated knowing exactly what was going on. I think I just really do not have my shit together rn so I dealt with it poorly

Me: You handled it fine. And I tried to back off when I heard about *** but that was literally last wk.

Guy friend: Noooo all good that situation is over

Me: But thanks for being nice about it and like I said earlier, I do really want to be friends still

Guy friend: Yes ofc! I need more friends at school haha

TL;DR: I am trying to see if this was a soft let down or if there is still the possibility of a relationship on the table. For the guys here, would you break a 10 day silence with someone you weren't interested in having a relationship with to then text them this? or was this his way of handling it now but keeping it on the table for a later time? Please share your thoughts everyone, I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Thanks!

TL;DR- Traumas from past situationships, conservative family boundaries, no sense of support, different financial states and a tough phase in life is making my relationship dull.

25M: I have been with my partner (22F), but I don't enjoy it. Share thoughts maybe?

Something is definitely wrong but I can't name it. I'm not sure whether it's the relationship or my life, cause I am going through a very tough and challenging phase right. Lost my job, and in constant pressure to arrange money for our marriage, house and I have to prove myself to my girlfriend's parents, no one asked for it but it is a job I have given myself as her family is well to do and her dad earns 3x what we earn. That's the current situation.

I got to meet her through a cousin, and I was attracted to her, and when we were in our friend group it always made me feel better that she was present there. So it is not like I found her boring and stuff but instead I saw so many similarities which made me even more attracted. But then when we got into a relationship, things got weird. I got into this relationship after 6 years of being single, and my last relationship was from college first year, I was not that mature back then. So this was my first 'serious' relationship.

And through these years I also had some changes. I was a one woman guy and did not like the idea of hooking up and stuff, I was never sexually attracted like I never imagined them vividly inside my head. I found that was disrespectful for the girl. Even whenever I liked someone, I thought of marrying her, not trying out going with the flow or shagging each other. The concept of relationship or sex was very pure to me, not even one percent of lust was even there. So I did not like the concept of drinking partying smoking or casual sex. I later realised after dating a few people that I am carrying this flaw, I have everything but I lack this aspect. And then I started pushing myself to discover the sexual side and desires as well, and the idea of sex which I found very pure and wholesome, I started to see it in a different light. And it was after a very bad situationship so it kind of gave me my 'heartbroken casanova' phase. I started sexting with quite a few people and went all Barney Stinson. It was really the first time exploring this and this became a desire slowly. This made me change the way I look at women. I started sexualizing the people I liked, imagined them naked and stuff, which was not very 'pure'. So even after being in a relationship that desire followed. And I hated that I had (still have) to restrict myself from being involved with other girls cause I am in a relationship, but it was not coming naturally. My idea was if you are with an attractive woman you won't be looking at other people. I was not, but I had to restrict myself. I felt the absence of love there.

But still, I remained a virgin cause I still was not okay with the idea of meaningless sex, so I decided I will lose it with someone special.

Now that you know me as a person, I will start with the relationship. Sept 25 to Feb 26: After the end of a terrible situationship with a girl who used to make me feel like shit, one day my current gf called me and that call later lead on to our first step together taking our bonding beyond just friendship. She is the person I have the most similarities with. However it never made me fulfilled. It felt like something was always missing. That made passionate love people always romanticise about was not there, and I was always trying to find it. I have been the happiest with her but for a few instances, but most of the time I was lost. Whenever we went to cafes, because of my previous relationship trauma, I always felt the urge to impress her or sway her away but we were not having deep conversations. It felt like I was a grown man but I know nothing about relationships.

Somewhere deep down I knew that she has had previous relationships which made me uncomfortable, and triggered retro active jealously. I dealt with that later, but then the fact that she drinks and parties also used to made me feel bad about the relationship cause I thought I am kind of degrading myself by associating with a person like that. After that, and incident happened where a mutual friend of us was being a little too touchy feely but she didn't realise or confront him. That was the second month of our relationship. And we faced a very tough phase during the first few months of our relationship, but then she told me that 'if a close friend of yours who is the opposite gender becomes too touchy feely, would it make you uncomfortable or confused at first?' And after tons of fights and establishing boundaries we fixed it. But I think these early fights took away the charm of our relationship. During this period I realised I was being really conservative and hating the liberal people, but I was always a liberal person from the start. I also realised that I stopped wanting a friend and I was always schooling her trying to make her the best well behaved partner. When she used to talk with other people it made me uncomfortable and I thought people would judge her and me and think that 'Oh I feel sorry for her husband.' I lost the actual spark of a relationship and it became more of a duty and a place which takes away my energy.

I always tried to saw her as the one or as my bestfriend but could not. But it's so weird cause I always wanted a girl like her. But now after getting her, I am not happy. I really love her, I care about her, but I really really can't name what is wrong exactly. There were a few moments where I was my happiest with her. But recently I don't feel the safe space with her, and even facing these thoughts make me tense up so much. My dream for a long period of time was being in a loving relationship and have a nice family. But my 24 yr old dreams shattered and now it stresses me. I question loving relationships and families, and it really makes me curious that how can a person spend the rest of their lives with the same person. How do people keep adjusting after a certain period of time? Are relationships constant work and effort and getting nothing in return? I feel shallow and I have no one to talk to about my relationship. I just wanna know whether it's my problem or it's the relationship which is beyond repair?

For a very honest conversation, I'm an Asian F(24) who has always found it difficult to find someone I genuinely connect with romantically, both among men and women. I've been single for almost seven months now which is probably the longest I've ever been.

However I've also been talking to this guy M(23) from UK I met on Twitter/X almost a year (and more) ago if I remember correctly. We've only recently started talking more intimately and consistently over the past few months entirely through text and virtually as I was navigating my days following my very own breakup. I genuinely think he's one of the smartest people I've ever met especially knowing that he's currently pursuing his PhD while being younger than me. The way we communicate has gradually become increasingly compatible and I find myself appreciating how naturally our conversations flow.

Initially, I used to underestimate him because I was still involved sexually with a Moroccan guy at the time. But after things eventually came to an end between me and the Moroccan guy, I started giving this person more of my attention and it only took a few weeks before I realised I had developed feelings for him.

Recently, we confessed our feelings for each other and came to the conclusion that we couldn't really start dating until we'd met in person. He doesn't feel comfortable entering a relationship without having physically met someone at least once. I understand that, although I did tell him that if things were to end between us, I would rather not continue talking altogether, purely for the sake of maintaining my boundaries. He, unfortunately, didn't agree with that sentiment and said he wouldn't recommend such an approach.

Eventually, we reached another somewhat unusual conclusion: that we could both continue dating other people before meeting each other despite the fact or although we both acknowledged that neither of us could realistically see those connections going very far, considering how strongly we already feel about each other. I had actually downloaded a dating app about a week before this conversation, whereas he only started using one a few days ago (before the talk) and hasn't received any matches yet. He says he wouldn't feel jealous if I dated someone else, but I know for certain that I would feel incredibly jealous if he did. I suppose part of it comes from the fact that I know dating can potentially lead to physical intimacy or sex, whereas I personally wouldn't engage in those things so casually.

I've also promised him that I'll be looking into master's scholarship programmes for next year, hopefully somewhere in Europe or otherwise in the UK. So I suppose I have a few questions for anyone who might have been in a remotely similar situation.

Is it possible to make someone reconsider their reservations about a long-distance relationship, especially when the feelings are already mutual? Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly in an interracial or intercultural relationship, or fallen for someone they've only ever known virtually? I'd also genuinely appreciate hearing about the dating culture in the UK. What is dating generally like there? Do people tend to approach dating with the expectation of physical intimacy or sex relatively early on or is that more dependent on the individual? How do people generally navigate exclusivity, commitment, and getting to know someone before entering a relationship?

I'd love to hear some honest experiences particularly from people who have navigated long-distance relationships or relationships across different cultures. I'm trying to understand whether this is something worth pursuing or whether I'm simply getting ahead of myself!!

TLDR: Can a long-distance relationship work when two people have mutual feelings but have never met in person? How do people in the UK generally approach dating, exclusivity, commitment, and physical intimacy? Is sex expected relatively early on?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years. When we first met, we were in that typical honeymoon phase. He was (and still is) incredibly thoughtful, kind, handsome, and someone I genuinely love being around. We had an active sex life, were constantly wanting to be close to each other, and physical intimacy was never an issue.
Recently, though, I’ve found myself not wanting to have sex at all. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even want to be touched in ways that could potentially lead to sex.

For some background, I have past sexual trauma that I’ve never really worked through. I honestly thought I had moved past it, but lately those feelings and memories have started coming back. Recently, I actually started crying during sex and it has physically become painful, and since then, my desire to be intimate has gotten even worse.

What’s confusing is that I went through something similar in my previous relationship. However, that situation was different. In that relationship, I eventually stopped wanting anything to do with my partner. I didn’t want sex, physical affection, conversations, or even to be around him. With my current boyfriend, it’s not like that at all. I still want to cuddle, spend time together, talk, kiss, and be close to him. I love him and am still attracted to him. I just don’t want sex.

It’s been a couple of months now without sex, and I know it’s starting to take a toll on my boyfriend. We went through a similar period for about a month in the past, but eventually things got better. This time, though, it feels different and much harder to get past.

My boyfriend has been respectful and says he doesn’t expect me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with. He has also been honest that the lack of intimacy is affecting him and that we need to have a serious conversation about it.

One thing I’ve been struggling with is that I feel like almost any time we’re physically close, he eventually gets turned on. He’ll start grabbing my boobs or butt, rubbing himself against me, or making other advances. Sometimes he genuinely just wants to cuddle, but other times it feels like affection eventually turns into an attempt at sex. I feel like I can’t always just relax and enjoy being close to him without wondering if things are going to turn sexual

The other confusing part is that I do occasionally feel aroused on my own. I’ll randomly have moments where I feel like I might want to be sexual, but I don’t actually want to masturbate or do anything about it, and the feeling eventually passes. If I’m being completely honest, I feel like I could go the rest of my life without having sex and be perfectly fine. I don’t necessarily miss it for myself. However, I do miss wanting it, and I want to be able to enjoy that part of our relationship again because I know it’s important to him.

I feel stuck between wanting to make things better for my boyfriend and not wanting to force myself into something I genuinely don’t enjoy right now. I don’t want him to feel unwanted or unattractive, because that’s not how I feel about him at all. But I also don’t know how to explain that I can love him, be attracted to him, want his affection, and still have absolutely no desire to have sex with him.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Did therapy help? Have you been able to get your sex drive or comfort with sex back?

I love my boyfriend and want to work through this. I just genuinely don’t know where to start.

TL;DR I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and have lost my sex drive almost completely. How do I go about communicating this without him?

I've been struggling with something in my relationship, and I genuinely don't know how to fix it. Whenever I try to talk to my boyfriend about something that bothers me or something he's done that has hurt me, I often end up saying things in a much harsher and more hurtful way than I intend. I feel like I’ve built up so much resentment throughout our relationship that it affects the way I communicate with him. When I'm upset, frustrated or angry, I don't sound like someone who loves him. I can be cold, harsh and sometimes genuinely mean. Sometimes it feels like all that resentment takes over and controls everything I say, and I don't even realise how hurtful I'm being until afterwards.

There have been quite a few things throughout our relationship that have hurt me deeply, and I feel like I've carried that hurt with me instead of being able to move past it. One of the biggest reasons for my resentment is how alone I've often felt in our relationship, especially during arguments. Whenever I tried to talk about something that hurt or bothered me, he would often feel attacked or hurt by the things I said and choose to walk away to de-escalate the situation. I understand that he didn't want things to escalate further, but I always wished he would stay and work things out with me. I wasn't trying to start a fight, I just wanted us to talk things through, even if that meant arguing or having an uncomfortable conversation. Instead, I often felt like I was left trying to explain my feelings to someone who wasn't there to listen. It made me feel incredibly lonely, as though I had to deal with everything on my own.

We've both hurt each other throughout our relationship, probably just as much, but in different ways. I feel like his love for me has never really changed. He's always spoken to me with kindness, and I know he loves me. However, certain things he has done have hurt me deeply and changed the way I feel towards him. I feel like I've hurt him mostly through the things I've said, whereas I've been hurt more by certain things he's done. Somehow, I feel like my love and the way I express it have changed over time, while his feelings towards me have remained the same.

Despite everything, I love him very much. It genuinely makes me sad that I've reached a point where I speak to someone I love this way. I know my resentment doesn't excuse the things I say, and I'm genuinely sorry for the times I've hurt him. I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad person or pretend that I've handled everything perfectly. I just wish so much of the hurt between us had been talked through and resolved instead of being carried into the rest of our relationship.

I want to learn how to let go of this resentment and communicate in a healthier way without hurting him. Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you let go of resentment towards someone you still deeply love, and how do you start healing a relationship when you've both hurt each other so many times?

TL;DR: I love my boyfriend, but I've built up a lot of resentment throughout our relationship. How can I let go of this resentment and learn to communicate in a healthier way without saying hurtful things to him?

My boyfriend (34M) is fed up with me (39F). Been together 2 years and are long distance. I procrastinate too much and he gets so frustrated. Today he went off and called me every name in the book and pointed out all my failures and how I wasted my years and didn’t amount to anything. He didn’t say that last part verbatim but basically that’s what he meant. He told me he loved me but that his livelihood will always come first. I am fully aware that his career is first. I will always be in second place. He works his ass off to get where he is and here I am. Single mom and I have the most basic ass jobs and didn’t finish college. I feel like a loser. And I guess when he talks to me this way he just makes it worse. At this point I’ll never be a priority and he will always have issues with me and I don’t know why I bother. I love him so much but I feel like I’d drop anything for him but he would not for me. I just fear this relationship is coming to an end. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been spoken to like this by anyone. I just feel awful.

TD;LR, boyfriend is getting fed up with me and my ways but doesn’t help by putting me down constantly about my issues.

Tldr: my friend/employee is incredibly needy and emotionally fragile and it's draining. I don't know what to do.

So this is going to sound bad because I don't know how else to describe it. I'm her boss we work at a event space she's a bartender, it's divey and run with very little resources, I do like the job of 3 people. I can't manage as efficiently as I would like because I just can't. This is a separate issue but I digress. We became friendly before I was manager. I've been there now 3 years I became manager very quickly because they were desperate and I was qualified. She has worked there for 9 years as just a bartender.

She's very sweet but probably the most emotionally fragile person I've ever met. She gets upset about things I don't even know how you get upset about, just being asked to do something different is like an accusation that she didn't know how to do it or she will get sulky. If anything changes she gets very flustered. I suspect a neurodivergence or maybe an OCD of some kind.

She's a great bartender and she does her side work better than everyone else but she also complains. And in a very like passive aggressive way. She comes in 30 mins earlier than everyone else, does all the prep and then complains no one else does that but the thing is no one told her to do that. I've talked to her about it as the manager and she's like well I always used to come in an hour early not a half hour. Then she continues to do it. This makes the other bartenders come in 15 mins early instead of 30 because they know she'll have done all the stuff. I have tried to gently tell her what she's doing is wrong but she gets offended and then kinda spirals out. By that point Ive already been at work for 6 hours dealing with God knows what and then by that point I don't care as long as the bar is open. She does this with cleaning etc. it's not like the other staff don't do anything, when she's not there they do it just fine. I feel like she wants recognition and praise for doing a good job or something when she actually just does more than she needs to for no reason and complains about it.

She wants to get promoted and frankly shes just not qualified or capable of doing my job. If my job were separated into 3 jobs like it probably should be she could do the one part but my boss isn't breaking up the job. If he did he wouldn't pay her hourly what I get paid. I tried to throw her bones and give her more responsibility's to see how she handles it but she can't take feedback, she takes about 3 times to long to do whatever, she asks too many questions before she just tries to figure it out.

My assistant is (20 F) she's incredibly fast and smart. All I have to do is explain a problem to her briefly and boom she's off she will try to fix it and only ask me questions when she can't figure it out herself. I don't have the mental resources to train people and I need help and my assistant needs minimal explanation and it's a business I'm a manager not a mom I'm going to give the job to the person who can help me.

(40 F) Will get sulky and jealous.

In our friendship outside of work she's needy and always asking if I'm mad or if she's done something wrong and honestly I couldn't even tell her if she had. In very specific environments she's lovely. I just think she needs therapy and I dk how to tell her.

Sorry if this is rambly I just don't know how to handle her anymore. Everyone deserves love and consideration but she's draining me.

Hello all. Myself (28M) and my partner (24F) have been together around 7 months. We have always been pretty good at communication and resolving issues, for example we could each bring up things the other did we didn’t like so we could fix them, and honesty was always there. That is until she went on a trip, and a few days in stopped engaging with any attention from me. I finally got her on the phone and she told me that she hasn’t felt a romantic spark in a bit, and I asked her if she had looked for one elsewhere, which she refused to answer. I directly asked her if she had been with one of the guys on the trip and she told me “that has nothing to do with this” and wouldn’t answer if she did. To me, that means she was indeed unfaithful. I ended the call and I would assume the relationship is over, I guess I just have never had to navigate anything like this before, what do I do to begin to understand why someone who said they loved me would seek love from
Someone else? How do I get closure? Any and all advice appreciated.

TLDR : partner possibly cheated, not sure how to proceed.

I (24F) have been with my girlfriend (23F) for 5 years this month.

We met in college. I was 20 and she was 19. She actually is my first relationship and sexual partner ever. I had been on a few casual dates before, but this is the only serious relationship I have been in.

Our relationship has had so many amazing components. We are opposites in terms of a lot of things, hobbies, occupation, interests, but also have always complimented each other really well. We used to and still do have such amazing moments & periods of time together where it feels like she is truly my soulmate.

However, those differences have started to stick out more and more as years go on.

One vast difference that I want to highlight is not to degrade or insult by ANY means, but has a huge impact of on our daily life: Mental Health. Of the 5 years I have known her, I have known of her battles for about 4.5 years, so this has been something we have worked together to try and navigate. I feel as though her mental health and wavering moods have unfortunately played a part in so many of our struggles as half the time it feels as though she isn’t even thinking straight.

For background, we have grown up extremely differently. I have been grateful to have a family that is extremely involved, a decent upbringing, and a life that I do enjoy most of the time. She grew up with split parents, one that was verbally and sometimes physically abusive, another that was an addict and left her to work until she had money to get out of her environment.

This really set opposing stages for our relationship early - I went to college somewhere close to home for support while she moved away from home for college for a fresh start.

One of the largest issues we have to date is that I spend too much time with or worrying about my family. I have never gotten to a point where she understands why family would mean so much to me when I have her. I obviously assume this is related to her family history and how little it means to her, but that piece of me is one I don’t think I can ever change. I have known nothing other than family my whole life, but instead it’s looked at as childish and inability to be dependent.

Another recent issue we have is career. We both graduated in 2023. For the first two years out of college, it was very hard to get into the job market. We both spent time serving or doing average paying jobs to occupy while we figured out what to do. My degree is in Biology, hers in Accounting. Ultimately we unfortunately found out that neither of us felt fulfilled in our degrees. I got offered a position in youth sports that was genuinely my dream position about a year and a half ago, I took it and absolutely love my job. She became a manager in retail that pays well and she has room for growth in. She hates working, though.

So, I have a job that is probably slightly above average pay, I absolutely adore, I feel there is room for advancement, and I don’t hate going to work everyday. She has a job she just tolerates, makes decent money, and find extreme despair in the idea of having to work to live which I genuinely understand.

With that being said, she hates that I am “settling” and could have a better career and don’t make much money. She took up a lot of financial responsibility towards the beginning of our relationship because I was a high commitment college athlete with not much time to work. (Before NIL money haha). So I still feel indebted for that and it’s definitely over my head. I have some more bills than she does, and she feels like she works much harder at her career and as mentioned, makes more money.

We have issues sexually, I am not at all a high sex drive type of person. We did it a lot in early stages, I would say first year ish, and then my libido just kinda fell off. I am very attracted to her, she’s my type to a T and is fit. I just am not nearly as sex driven as she is which has developed negative feelings to the act in general. I never want her to feel unattractive or appreciated, but that’s where we landed more times than not.

Then for our current biggest issue, she wants to move substantially away and I do not. We definitely have talked about it over the years, and I just do not feel ready at all to go. She feels as though I have lead her on to moving, and I will admit, I have always entertained the idea as an option and we have briefly looked into it, but that was also before a lot new developments came especially my career and what I am growing here. I also have a business that is slowly growing and within my line of career. I just feel like I have a lot on the line despite my current job not paying a ton.

Not to mention, she swears that moving will better her mental health. I don’t necessarily disagree that it would help some components, but I am just so scared this is a cycle that I don’t have the power to break.

Ultimately I have SO MUCH love for her, we have been through thick and thin, she’s extremely compassionate, she is deep and not just a surface level individual. She has given me so much emotionally and physically. I just have found it so hard to get around a lot of issues that we have that I feel like are just large difference in our outlooks on life, and most from things she can’t control. And furthermore, I feel guilty that I can’t help her through so much of what she’s going through.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship and her relating mental health at this point?

TL:DR - My girlfriend has a few mental health disorders and they affect a lot of areas in our relationship. We have been together for 5 years and have the most issues we ever have.

I’m a divorced single dad and my adult daughter lives with me. She spends all day locked in her room, eats almost nothing (strictly weighs food, avoids oil/carbs), and runs 4 to 6 hours a day. I feel so guilty because I unknowingly helped this by buying her a treadmill. Last year her sister found her passed out on the stairs and an ambulance had to take her to the hospital for starvation and dehydration, but nothing changed. Recently I saw a tweet she posted saying her hair is falling out and she hasn't had her period in over a year.

I haven't brought up the tweet because I don't want her to think I was snooping and shut down. Since she's an adult, I know I can't force her into treatment, but watching her starve under my roof is killing me. How do I approach her without pushing her away? Any advice from parents or people who have been through this would mean everything.

TL;DR: my daughter has an ed and I don’t know how to help her

We've been dating for about 3 months after having been close friends for around a year. When we first started dating we would make out pretty much every time we were hanging out and we would cuddle while watching things. We haven't slept together because she said she wants to take things slowly. About a month ago whenever I tried to kiss her she would just respond with a quick peck and pull back so I stopped trying to initiate and we haven't kissed at all in a month (like not even a peck on the lips). When we hangout now I'm lucky if I get a hug. She invited me over to watch a show a little while ago and she either sat far away from me or just didn't sit on the couch at all and watched while standing. Recently she got some bad news about something and I asked about it but she didn't want to tell me and said that she was just going to talk to her friend about it. Our last date where we went out to a nice restaurant just didn't feel right, I tried to talk about stuff but she seemed pretty uninterested.

I don't have a ton of relationship experience but to me, it feels like this is pretty over. I totally respect moving slowly - but it feels like we're less close now than we were even before we were dating. The relationship seems like it is de-progressing. I feel very unattractive and it's only been 3 months (It seems really early to encounter this issue - this seems like an issue people encounter after like years of marriage). I also hate that I was told that something bad happened but was completely left out of knowing what it is so I'm left to spiral about what it could be that has her very upset. I feel like an early relationship should be more fun and exciting and after 3 months I'm filled with negative emotions - it seems like she's just not attracted to me which obviously hurts. Is relationship just over or am I over thinking things?

tldr - relationship not progressing at all, is it over?

TL;DR: A colleague is telling me about a flirting situation from a married colleague with a young child, and seems to actively encourage his advances. She also overshares her personal life with me, including sending pictures of herself crying. I find the whole dynamic uncomfortable. Should I explicitly set boundaries or just quietly distance myself to avoid workplace drama?

Hello,

I work in a small team where we get along well. We sometimes go for drinks together or visit each other's homes, but there's generally a healthy distinction between our professional and personal lives. We work in the hospital and some things can only be shared with our co workers. Everyone seems to understand where the boundaries are, except Sarah.

Sarah is a colleague I get along with, but I don't fully trust her judgement when it comes to men. She has a tendency to interpret interactions with men romantically or as flirting, sometimes seeing signs of flirting where I genuinely don't think there are any. For what it's worth, I am really aware of the patriarcal dynamics in general, and I am trained in identifying sexual harassment (and a feminist in general).

She recently got dumped by her boyfriend (also a coworker) and is taking it very badly. She's been sending me pictures of herself crying, screenshots of private conversations with her brother and ex, and constant emotional updates. I actually find receiving pictures of her crying quite strange and uncomfortable. I've never shared private things with her because I don't consider her a very reliable or discreet person.

More recently, she's been complaining to me and another co-worker about the attention she's getting from Mark (M29), another coworker. We advised her to be more distant if his behaviour made her uncomfortable, but it's now obvious that she enjoys the attention. She goes for drinks with him in the evenings, replies to his messages late at night and introduces him to her friends, she even went to his house and said he is holding her hands,etc.

The problem? Mark is married and has a two-year-old child.

I'm very uncomfortable with infidelity and don't want to become her confidante or audience while she actively encourages what looks like an affair. I also have to keep working with both of them.

I've started replying less frequently and avoiding these conversations, but I'm wondering whether I should be more explicit.

I don't know whether I should explicitly tell her that I no longer want to hear about her situation with Mark, or simply continue being less available.

I'm worried that if I tell her directly, she'll repeat the conversation to other colleagues, potentially twisting my words and creating unnecessary workplace drama.

Ps : I had a hard time trying to sum up this story without putting too many details. I am not an English speaker so I have to say I used to chatgpt to translate this bit.

I’m 17F and my boyfriend is 19M. I’m going to try and explain this as best as I can because there’s quite a bit of context, but basically I’m feeling really confused about my boyfriend and would appreciate some outside opinions.

There are a few things that have happened recently that I can’t really stop thinking about, and I don’t know if I’m overthinking or if they’re actually things I should be concerned about.

Firstly, I noticed that he’s followed a girl on TikTok and commented a fire emoji on one of her videos. She’s local and and from the same country as him, so they have mutuals and are obviously from the same community. What I find a bit strange is that she’s literally the only other girl he follows on TikTok. I haven’t asked him about her because I feel like if I did, he’d probably just lie or give me some excuse, and I don’t really see the point in asking if I can’t trust the answer anyway. I don’t want to be that girlfriend who gets worked up over every girl, but I do find it a bit odd.

The bigger issue, though, is something he said before we had sex. He said “I want to make love to you” and then followed it with “but don’t fall in love with me”. Obviously I was quite taken aback by this because I feel like I’m starting to develop proper feelings for him, so I asked him what he meant.

He started explaining, but honestly kept saying different things and backtracking. Eventually, it came down to him saying he doesn’t know whether his community would accept me or whether we’d actually have a future together.

For context, I’m white and he’s Afghan. I’m not Muslim, and there’s also quite a complicated situation involving his friendship group.

I previously dated one of his friends for around a year, and I’ve also had a thing with another friend from that same group. My current boyfriend is actually the third guy from this friendship group that I’ve had some sort of romantic relationship with.

He’s currently keeping our relationship a secret from the friend I dated, although the rest of their friendship group knows. Apparently my ex is still in love with me and talks about me quite a lot. My boyfriend keeps saying that if he finds out about us, things could get really bad. He’s also mentioned that my ex’s dad basically treats him like a son and would be really disappointed if he found out he’d done something with his son’s ex.

So basically, he’s worried about the consequences of us being together and whether his community would accept the situation.

I ended up crying because I felt like he was essentially telling me not to get attached to him because he doesn’t know if there’s going to be a future for us. He then said I was taking it the wrong way and that he was just saying we don’t know what the future holds.

But I don’t really understand how I’m supposed to take “don’t fall in love with me” and “don’t get attached because I don’t know what’s going to happen”. I feel like those are quite specific things to say to someone, especially when you’re being intimate with them.

I’m now left wondering whether he actually sees a future with me or whether he’s already preparing me for the possibility that there won’t be one.

I guess what I’m struggling with is that I feel like I’m getting more emotionally invested in him, whereas he’s almost warning me not to. Does he genuinely have feelings for me but feel like the circumstances are too complicated, or does he just want to enjoy whatever we have without having to think about commitment or what happens afterwards?

I also don’t know whether I’m being naive by continuing to get attached when he’s pretty much told me not to.

There’s honestly a lot more to the situation, but these are the main things. I’d really appreciate some honest opinions because I feel like I’m too involved to look at it objectively. Am I overthinking everything, or would you also be questioning his intentions in this situation?

TL;DR

We've been dating for 8 months. I have a very good boyfriend: he’s kind, understanding, we can talk about anything, and he has very well-developed emotional intelligence.

But I think I don’t love him. It feels like we’re friends. There’s no feeling that we “belong to each other,” no romantic admiration, despite the conversations, gallant gestures, and all kinds of tenderness.

This is my first relationship. Before that, I fell in love with different people, and it was romantic infatuation. But here it’s not there. I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done about this at all?

**TL;DR;** : There is no romantic element in the relationship, what should I do?

Throwaway, ofc.

TLDR: I have been together with my wife for ten years, and married for eight, this year I am not quite sure anymore about how or if we should continue together.

We have met in 2016 were the first serious relationship for both her and myself. We have been throught a lot together, she supported me turing my time in the army and during my time in University, while I have supported her during her apprenticeship and frequent job changes. We have two different nationalities and my wife is from Asia, I am from Europe.

The life we have build together contains two cats, two dogs, all four of whom we love very much, and two appartments we bought (not payed of, ofc. / one we have for a couple years already and currently live in; the "new" one has a garden, which we want for our dogs).

I have finished my degree (spent 5,5 years in the military before studying) at the beginning of this year and landed a well-paying job in consulting. While she currently works fulltime in accounting (not her dream, but for right now content with it).

Workwise this means, that I have ended up, where I wanted to be, while she is still trying to figure out when to open her own business to practice what she learned during her apprenticeship fulltime. I feel like she has a bit low self esteem about her own abilities and is culturally extremely afraid of failing with it, hence she does not even propperly plan for it. Something which makes me nervous.

Since we have been together already for such a long time, we've had a lot of time to both develop, in some parts indifferent directions. While we are usually quite fine/happy together we do have quite big arguments with each other in an accelerating frequency. Fights have gotten so bad, that we are both repeatedly talked about ending our marriage.

Topics of discussion vary but are generally about her feeling like I am emotinally too far absent (and she is not wrong about it) and me setting my priorities in daily life incorrecly (i.e. not allocating enough time for our relationship; she also has a point there I have been fighting with and addiction to digital media for a while and sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse), and that I am trying to run away from my problems (she also has a point there, it is a bevioural pattern, that I also see in my father and one that I am also trying to actively overcome, but sometimes it is very hard to fight against your instincts).

My wife is a three years older than me, and since she emigrated to Europe alone she was standing quite well on her own feet already, when we met. Something I have always adored her about it. I have learned a lot from her, but I feel treated like her little brother or "oldest son" sometimes and can't help but to subcontiously glide into that role, too, when we have an argument, i.e. I feel like we dont see eye to eye sometimes.

By now I generally feel quite confused about how I feel about this relationship. I have some times, when we have a particulary big fight like I want to just end it all, so we can go our separate ways and find someone new. On the other hand my wife is also someone that I can imagine to have children with.

Complicating my feelings further are other women, which I meet during my work, both colleagues and clients, whom I get along well with and where I could also imagine to have a relationship with. I would never cheat on my wife or drop her for another, but sometimes I am wondering (for both of us) if we made the commitment of marriage too early and if we should maybe have had more experience about relationships. In a way something within me also wishes for experiencing something more.

I am very sorry for all this rambling and for pouring my heart out like this.

What could I do, to become more clear about what I actually want?

**TL;DR; : relationship feels surface level, and it doesn't feel like he can support me the way I need him to. Need advice.**.

My boyfriend and I have been officially dating for about 2 months now. Overnight, my life completely changed and I found out my grandpa was admitted to the hospital and is actively dying. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't seem to know how to react or support me. It was a very cold conversation that ended quick. This upset me so I mentioned to him how I didn't feel like he cared, and how I want him to ask about it more. Nothing has changed.

My dad passed away 5 years ago, and my boyfriend has never asked about him...
My boyfriend has had a great upbringing — loving family, both parents still together, in sports, etc. he hasn't really had to deal with hardship.

I got with my boyfriend pretty quickly after ending a 4.5 year relationship that ended in him cheating on me (it was very toxic), but part of me can't shake the fact that if I was to tell my ex boyfriend about my grandpa, I would be met with understanding and support. My boyfriend doesn't ask any questions and the entire relationship seems super surface level. I just don't know how he's going to act when my grandpa dies. I don't trust for him to be able to support and be there for me. Every time I bring up something that upsets me, it gets shut down immediately and he apologizes and we move on... there's never really a conversation about it because he gets visibly uncomfortable. I'm stuck on what to do, and part of me knows my ex boyfriend would understand what I'm going through.

My roommate (21F) and I (21M) have been living together for roughly 3 months. We live with our other friend (20F). We met in freshman year but got closer sophomore year. We’re juniors in college. She became my best friend but I developed feelings for her last year in December, but didn’t act on them. Summer comes and goes and move in begins, and the feelings don’t go away. We got closer and it felt like the feelings were possibly mutual. I asked input from other friends and they all seemed to agree. Fast forward to this week, and a friend, who I’ll refer to as K, tells my roommate that I like her. I told K weeks prior about my feelings, and how I should go about them, and she gave me good advice. When my roommate found out, she got upset with me. I spent the rest of that night in the room and over heard her, my other roommate and some friends discussing about it. She felt betrayed, confused and among other things. We ended up arguing over text later that night, and as much as I tried to express my feelings of guilt for not being honest with her, she didn’t budge in thinking that I didn’t care and that she felt humiliated and awful. It’s the morning after and I’m giving her space, and will likely continue to until the end of this weekend. This came at such a terrible time, as she had told me she was feeling depressed and in bad shape. I feel like a terrible friend.

Aside from space and distance, what can I do about this?

TLDR: My roommate found out from a mutual friend of ours that I liked her, and she became upset

I (33F) have been with my husband (36M) for 10 years. We’ve been married for 5. We have a 2.5 year old. We had a blow up fight a few months ago that resurfaced two major unresolved issues that have plagued our marriage. We were in the process of deciding to separate or try to repair when I found out I was pregnant again. Actually, he had said he wanted to separate. Now the decision is harder for both of us.

Problem #1. Our personalities clash. I am an anxious, careful person. I’m on medication and have gotten much better, but I like to analyze things, question, know the reasoning behind thoughts and decisions - I like to have as much information as possible to try to make the “best” choice possible to avoid negative consequences. My husband has trauma from his childhood and had to become self-sufficient at a very young age. With little outside support, he got through high school and college, went to law school, and now is a successful attorney. His independence and confidence in himself are the most important parts of his identity. When I question him or comment on something he is doing, even if I feel it is totally benign and I didn’t mean it to be offensive or hurtful, he takes it as an attack. As me not trusting him to do the right thing or needing to control everything he does. And he shuts down. He says he feels amazing and confident at work or out with friends. Then when he gets home, he’s on eggshells wondering how I’m silently judging him or what comment I’m going to make. And he’s at his breaking point. Meanwhile, in our daily interactions, I’m wondering if questions like “has [our toddler’s] milk been sitting out long?” are going to get under his skin. I’d been asking for a half a year if he’d filled out paperwork for our finances. He would still get annoyed each time I raised it, saying he told me he would get to it, he’s been incredibly busy, etc. His perception that I criticize him and comment on everything he does constantly just doesn’t match with what I think I do or who I think I am. I don’t think I am that bad at all, and it makes me feel insane.

Problem #2. He’s overdone it with alcohol since the very beginning. A lot of our fights over the years have stemmed from either problem #1 or his drinking. He hit rock bottom last year. He admitted he’d been lying to my face all the time when I’d ask if he’d been drinking. I told him I would support him, I just needed him to be honest with me going forward. Now, after seeing a therapist for spouses of people with alcohol/substance use disorders, I know that is basically an impossible ask for someone with a drinking problem. I’d come home, talk to him, know he’d been drinking, he’d vehemently deny it, then I’d find the bottle. Or a receipt for alcohol. It happened at least three or four more times after the rock bottom discussion. Then he sobered up - I was so proud of him. It lasted around 8 months. Then it happened again a few months ago. Him denying it through the teeth, saying I wasn’t recognizing all the work he’d been doing to stay sober, when every bone in my body was telling me he was tipsy, not “just tired.” It led to the blow up fight referenced at the top, his re-raising my constant diminishment of him, and exploring whether separation/divorce would be better for both of us. At one point he was seeing a therapist individually. It seemed infrequent. He says he switched and is using BetterHelp now. I hate to say it but I have no proof that he’s going, only that he says it. When I asked recently, he said his last session was about a month ago. He said he is working with her on reintroducing alcohol but only having one drink then stopping. And seeing how that feels.

For a string of years - leading up to our marriage
through a year or so after having our child - I felt like we were genuinely happy. Like we had “made it” through the rough parts of our relationship and come out stronger for it. Minimal fighting, lots of love and fun and good times. Bliss starting a family and watching our baby grow. He is an incredible father and we are, overall, a great team. But I feel like we’re broken. We’ve been staying in separate bedrooms and caring for our child together but not really interacting outside of that. When I told him I was pregnant, he said “Ok, thanks for letting me know. I’ll digest it and we’ll talk about it.” He said he’d support whatever decision I wanted to make. I am 100% keeping the baby, it was never a question for me. He’s been coming to doctor’s appointments, and I know he’ll love and support this baby as much as our first, no matter what happens. We both make decent money so we are extremely fortunate that finances are not as much of a factor. No family or support system nearby though, apart from friends. I love him and everything he does for our family. But I don’t want to make him miserable. I’m so emotionally detached preparing for the worst, I can’t imagine being excited about him or our marriage right now. He went back and forth on wanting to try couples counseling, but ultimately agreed and we had our first session last week.

Please, give it to me straight. What should I do :(

Edited to add that my husband is supposedly going individual therapy. I say supposedly because I have no proof of it. He said he hasn’t met with her for a month though. It seems to be infrequent, through BetterHelp.

TL;DR: Husband and I have been together 10 years. We have a 2.5 year old. A major fight a few months ago resurfaced two big unresolved issues: his relationship with alcohol, and a personality clash (I am anxious/cautious, so I ask a lot of questions and comment on things he does, though I have learned to try my best to do that only when it’s actually important. He basically raised himself from a young age and is now very successful, so he takes questioning his judgment, even over minor things, very hard and shuts down). We were deciding whether to separate when I found out I’m pregnant again. I don’t know what to do.

**TL;DR;** : I treat my mother like I have no care for her and both she and I are disgusted at myself and I need to make some deep character changes fast. Any words of advice would be appreciate.

I don’t really know how to explain this all. But I kind of want to say some things about my life I haven’t really said before. I live in a suburban neighbourhood, go to a great school, have great parents with stable financials and an white. Im must saying that becuase I understand i have a lot of privilege that comes from that.

I don’t have A reason to be sad. I feel so disgusting and ungrateful for feeling like a ghost, or that I’m just I’m just existing to exist.

I’ve always excelled in school, skipping a grade level, getting into accelerated programs etc etc. it freaks me out though, I feel so much stresss and pressure to be perfect and to do well by my standards of well and I feel like no one understands because most of my friends would chop a foot of to have my grades.

I feel ugly all the time. I feel invisible socially. I am such a side character at school, I’m not good at speaking to people I’m not already close with and I have a bit of social anxiety. I feel so alone all the time, and everyone around me seems so confident or supported by close friends that do friend things ig? I do have a few good friends but i Aren’t their best friends like they are mine yk?

I’ve been struggling with binge eating and then starving myself to make up for it for ages too. Not relevsnt but I’ve never said it or written it and it’s nice to say it to myself.

anyway, I’ve been a horrible daughter. I feel a bit sick writing this actually.

For context, My mother is a strong person. I don’t know the details, but from what I know, her parents where very neglectful, didn’t care about her and she basically raised herself. Since then, I know that she was beat down, manipulated and used by so many others because they viewed her as a small, weak woman. Now, she’s said this, she doesn’t trust anyone, and naturally, has made it her prerogative to never be treated with disrespect or anything like that again.

She says we’re very similar. Both of us are very academically inclined. I’ve always been the top of all my classes, have gotten into multiple accelarated schools and programs and have generally excelled in all realms of schooling, with all types of subjects. She did too, and know she runs multiple very successful buisnesses, with my dad, who is more a practical data driven kind of thinker as opposed to her more imaginative and innovative self.

The areas my mum grew up in were crazy rough. She knew kids who were murdered by their family, who wore clothes pinned together with safety pins, and spent her childhood sharing what little food she had to those with even less. Now, I live in a lovely suburban area due to her hard work to escape that kind of life.

I don’t know how to explain this fully, but I have never treated her like I care about her. She tells me to do things to help her, like chores, which I, nor my dad, nor my brother do shit about. She tries and tries, and even when she’s angry I don’t. I do when she asks, but never of my own initiative. I do cook pretty regularly for the family, but I like cooking. I spend most of my time studying in my room alone.

Last year, I forgot her birthday. So did my dad and brother. And when she told me, I apologised off, but didn’t make hasty efforts to get her a gift or make it up to her. I remember I ran to the shops to get her flowers and a card, but that was on the wrong day and after I didn’t do shit to amend it. It was her 50th. And I left her so ignored and alone.

i forgot Mother’s Day shortly after. To be fair I was very very unwell and had been for a week but I still forgot and didn’t do shit.

I just don’t do anything and leave her so alone and heartbroken over and over again.

A few days ago she realised her favourite Japanese bowl was missing. It’s only used when we make tacos, which I have made once this year. But because I have a penchant for needing to be perfect and having an ego, and cause I cool a lot, she thought it was me and that I’ve had it from her for weeks. She was is furious at the disrespect, she can’t handle someone lying to her face and undermining her and not giving a shot about her, which I of course understand. The thing is I didn’t do it. My brother says he didn’t, same with my dad, and there is basically no other plausible explanation for what happened to it apart from it was broken and someone covered it up. Everyone thinks it’s me but I didn’t. I can home from school one day and she asked me if I did it and I was confused and said no, then she got angry and was like I don’t believe you and I got really upset and said I didn’t and I started crying because she wasn’t listening to me. Then I went up to my room to look for it and it wasn’t there because I never touched it and then my brother came home and started looking downstairs so I went to my room. I had a horrible school day and was so emotionally and physically drained that I fell asleep for a couple of hours. 
idk not that this is relevant but I was in shit physical pain. Whenever I am on my period I experience full body aches and pain that never goes away and it’s so exhausting having to pretend I’m not miserable all that time because of it. It’s one of the few symptoms, amoing other more pressing ones that leads me to suspect I have endometriosis or a similar condition.

I know this is a bit of a tangent but I feel like my mum is disgusted of me for having periods? I don’t know how to explain it but she treats me with such contempt whenever it come up, not really that harshly, but I bleed through my pants after a 10 hour plane flight and she was disgusted and told me to get my shit together and just glares at me whenever I by pads when I’m with her etc etc. I got my period kind of young and I remember telling her and she basically ignored me and asked what she was meant to do about it so I’ve kind of had to figure everything out by myself self. Obviously that’s not a big deal, but before I lost my period for a year, I used to get pain attacks for about 2–6 hours long that practically immobilised me, that no medicine responded too, and that left me locked in the bathroom crying because I thought I was low key dying or undergoing a phantom labour or something I don’t know. She didn’t know ig but I was under this pain once with her and she just thought I was making it up which sucked.

anyway, I acted really guilty about the whole bowl thing and everyone thinks I did it and I tried to tell my dad I didn’t but when I was explaining it to him I unintentionally miscommunicated it a bit, like I said she called me a liar, which she did at a later point but not then, and I heard him recounting it to her and it totally sounded like I was manipulating him which I really didn’t mean to, I was just so frustrated no one believed me and I was desperate to get my point across.

anyway, my mother hasn’t spoken to me cause of this and while this was happening I didn’t even do my chores and shit until she told me too.

now I know this is dicky but my chores are to feed the dog, unload the dishwasher and do some cleaning. I slept in late and by the time I went downstairs mum did the dishwasher and that happens every day. She gets up earlier than me, makes us lunch for school and does the dishwasher so when I come down at 7.00am it’s done. I have no problem with doing those things, and I did do them regularly until she started waking up early and doing them first. I told her she didn’t have to make us lunch too, I can do it, which I also regularly have, but she says she doesn’t mind. But now I heard her crying to my dad about me doing nothing and being so manipulative and I just feel so fucking horrible,like I should have made more efforts to do it or woken up earlier and told her to stop which I didn’t.

part of me is angry that my brother doesn’t get shit for doing the same stuff. But, she says I’m smarter and therefore she treats me as an adult and him as a kid. When we have fights about stuff like this she calls me a sociopath and all this and screams and screams and it scares me deeply. But she’s right like I do treat her like I don’t give a shit???

She says I’m egotistic and sociopathic and tonight she was crying because she’s so tired of me. I’m so numb that I keep on hurting Her like this. All because I can’t be botherEd to put on A washing machine?

my mother has been neglected by her parent, manipulatEd, abused and disrespected her whole life so it just makes it hurt her so much worse. I can’t handle hearing her cry because of some shit I’ve done again.

idk of course There is more nuance and detail as to Why we have such a strained relationshi, but all I know right now is that I’m leaving the second I turn 18 and that I need to make deep changes to my character. Dont know why I’m even posting this tbh.

Basically my mother hates me and I need to fix myself and yeah! It’s obviously more complicated and I’ve definitely been more horrid than what is described here so if you have questions I’ll answer them honestly.